Support group alternatives for grief, solo in Pittsburgh edition
December 28, 2024 9:05 PM Subscribe
This month I lost two friends to cancer, including my best friend of 40 years just a week ago. In a couple days I return to my apartment in Pittsburgh, where I live alone and don't know many people on account of being new. I am dreading the solitude but I don't do support groups or religion. Aside from the usual "meeting people" activities, how can I meet others who will be good supports?
I'm on top of ways to meet people in general, but it's harder to meet people that will be true friends or be safe people with whom to talk about grief.
I'd prefer for it to be unstructured though. Where and how can I meet individuals going through similar (or understanding of similar) that are available emotionally and in terms of time?
I am open to groups that are more oblique and less structured. For instance, I would join a book club where we read memoirs of grief, or some sort of regular meetup to make art and talk if we feel like talking.
Given that I don't know the area and am at negative spoons, i'm not going to try to start any such group. Really, I just don't want to go through this alone (physically--I have long distane friends and my telehealth therapist) without the chance to even have real face-to-face conversations.
I'll add that I'm in Bloomfield and carless.
I'm on top of ways to meet people in general, but it's harder to meet people that will be true friends or be safe people with whom to talk about grief.
I'd prefer for it to be unstructured though. Where and how can I meet individuals going through similar (or understanding of similar) that are available emotionally and in terms of time?
I am open to groups that are more oblique and less structured. For instance, I would join a book club where we read memoirs of grief, or some sort of regular meetup to make art and talk if we feel like talking.
Given that I don't know the area and am at negative spoons, i'm not going to try to start any such group. Really, I just don't want to go through this alone (physically--I have long distane friends and my telehealth therapist) without the chance to even have real face-to-face conversations.
I'll add that I'm in Bloomfield and carless.
This group helped me a great deal when I was dealing with grief and didn't want a religious approach: http://griefbeyondbelief.org/
I'm in their FB group, but there may also be in-person resources if you click around the website or ask.
posted by cboggs at 12:01 AM on December 29 [1 favorite]
I'm in their FB group, but there may also be in-person resources if you click around the website or ask.
posted by cboggs at 12:01 AM on December 29 [1 favorite]
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your friends.
Your idea of a themed book club is great. If you can't find one specifically focused on grief, perhaps you could join an existing club where you might suggest relevant books.
Though not exactly what you asked for, I'd spend time at your local library if I was you. Libraries have always been a source of comfort and stability and humanity for me:
- Librarians might know of or help organize the kind of groups you're seeking
- it is a caring environment where you can be around people without pressure to socialize
- you might stumble on some literature that helps with grief either directly or indirectly
(Note: I google mapped Bloomfield, you might need transportation to reach the nearest branches in East Liberty or other nearby neighborhoods.)
In my personal experience, I've found it extremely difficult to develop deep, supportive friendships quickly with new people outside of structured support groups. Multiple attempts in my adult life to fast-track an intense 1:1 or small organic group emotional intimacy have typically either fizzled out or become unbearably intense, and ultimately draining (usually on both of us, but always on me) rather than nurturing.
While this doesn’t 100% answer your question, I've found the best relief from grief isolation through:
- "Parallel play" scenarios like being at libraries or art classes or maker spaces - just sharing space with others without pressure to interact
- Processing deeper emotions through existing loved ones, and therapy (very glad for you that you have these!)
- Gradually becoming a "regular" at places that feel comfortable, where friendships will (they really will! I believe this for you.) develop naturally over time
You have long-distance friends and a therapist for emotional support, which is the most important thing - so focusing on low-pressure local activities would be my recommendation while you build your in-person community.
Good luck and I’m very glad you’re asking this question - it’s a sign you are already on your way to the support you are seeking.
posted by seemoorglass at 6:03 AM on December 29 [3 favorites]
Your idea of a themed book club is great. If you can't find one specifically focused on grief, perhaps you could join an existing club where you might suggest relevant books.
Though not exactly what you asked for, I'd spend time at your local library if I was you. Libraries have always been a source of comfort and stability and humanity for me:
- Librarians might know of or help organize the kind of groups you're seeking
- it is a caring environment where you can be around people without pressure to socialize
- you might stumble on some literature that helps with grief either directly or indirectly
(Note: I google mapped Bloomfield, you might need transportation to reach the nearest branches in East Liberty or other nearby neighborhoods.)
In my personal experience, I've found it extremely difficult to develop deep, supportive friendships quickly with new people outside of structured support groups. Multiple attempts in my adult life to fast-track an intense 1:1 or small organic group emotional intimacy have typically either fizzled out or become unbearably intense, and ultimately draining (usually on both of us, but always on me) rather than nurturing.
While this doesn’t 100% answer your question, I've found the best relief from grief isolation through:
- "Parallel play" scenarios like being at libraries or art classes or maker spaces - just sharing space with others without pressure to interact
- Processing deeper emotions through existing loved ones, and therapy (very glad for you that you have these!)
- Gradually becoming a "regular" at places that feel comfortable, where friendships will (they really will! I believe this for you.) develop naturally over time
You have long-distance friends and a therapist for emotional support, which is the most important thing - so focusing on low-pressure local activities would be my recommendation while you build your in-person community.
Good luck and I’m very glad you’re asking this question - it’s a sign you are already on your way to the support you are seeking.
posted by seemoorglass at 6:03 AM on December 29 [3 favorites]
Losing two friends is a lot, and I am sorry for your loss. When I had a tough season like this, I found the episodes about Death and grief in the podcast Death, Sex and Money to be a balm. I could listen when the timing suited me and bring questions to my therapist.
For connecting with other people-sometimes the folks with the hospice and funeral professions can connect you with resources and informal groups for your area. Call the funeral homes or hospice centers and see what they can come up with for your area. I went on a weekend grief retreat at a faith based spiritual center. The grief retreat was balanced toward walking with grief, and not specific about religion, and the group had an email exchange at the end for keeping in touch informally afterward. Some people were not-that-local and this was pre-COVID. A lot of these places are run by elderly nuns (who handle hospitality) and others run the retreats. Just floating some ideas-take what you like and leave the rest. Best wishes.
posted by childofTethys at 7:11 AM on December 29 [1 favorite]
For connecting with other people-sometimes the folks with the hospice and funeral professions can connect you with resources and informal groups for your area. Call the funeral homes or hospice centers and see what they can come up with for your area. I went on a weekend grief retreat at a faith based spiritual center. The grief retreat was balanced toward walking with grief, and not specific about religion, and the group had an email exchange at the end for keeping in touch informally afterward. Some people were not-that-local and this was pre-COVID. A lot of these places are run by elderly nuns (who handle hospitality) and others run the retreats. Just floating some ideas-take what you like and leave the rest. Best wishes.
posted by childofTethys at 7:11 AM on December 29 [1 favorite]
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But look for a support group in the area. Hearing the grief of other people who have gone through the same really helps you see where you are at, and that you are not alone. And that other people have dealt with worse than you, and you can feel empathy for them, which is what makes us human.
(Our second child died the day before he was supposed to be delivered. And we went to a support group for that. And heard other folks describe how that had had to pull the plug on their babies... Made our loss seem not as totally terrible as it was, and that helped).
posted by Windopaene at 10:20 PM on December 28 [2 favorites]