Whether to confront friend for going silent
December 10, 2024 5:39 PM Subscribe
Should I confront a long time friend who seems to have "quiet quit" our friendship?
One of my closest friends of about 20 years has essentially stopped communicating with me in the same way that we once did. We'll call it...soft ghosting because it's not complete no contact.
A brief recap...we had been pretty close friends for many years. For the first part of our friendship we lived in the same city. He eventually moved but we still kept in touch and would both make trips to visit each other through the years.
Last year he went through a divorce. We were on the phone constantly. He'd call me all the time. Right after his wife left him I went out to visit him just to show some support. About a month after that, it was like one day he seemed to make a conscious decision to slowly but definitively distance himself from me. I've been in touch with him a very small bit and I do know he's now in a serious relationship and has a new job which seems to be going extremely well.
But here's the thing, if I text him he rarely responds. If I call him, most of the time he won't call me back. Recently I checked in with him asking him if he'd be up for a quick weekend visit as we always meet up around this time of year. No response. Never in the years that I've known him has he just not responded when asked about coming to visit. Usually I get a call 5 minutes after texting and he's super psyched to have me come out.
Obviously a big part of me is sad that it seems my good buddy has decided that he no longer wants to be friends. And I fully respect that if it's what he wants. I'm also aware that given the divorce, new relationship, and new job it's a lot on his plate and maybe he's just out of time to give. But still...a part of me is not only sad but maybe even mad.
Maybe I'm not being sensitive enough to his situation? I know big life changes sometimes mean disconnections from close friends. But it was literally like one day we spoke all the time, and then mostly crickets.
Rather then push things I haven't followed up since asking if he wanted to do a meetup/visit. I feel like he's telling me with his non communication that he's not interested in getting together or really even being in contact.
There wasn't any fight...nothing close. It's like something just clicked and he decided I was no longer someone he wanted in his life.
Any thoughts here are appreciated. Would you confront him? If so, how would you approach it? Or would you just consider the relationship is done and don't contact him again. I appreciate any thoughts.
One of my closest friends of about 20 years has essentially stopped communicating with me in the same way that we once did. We'll call it...soft ghosting because it's not complete no contact.
A brief recap...we had been pretty close friends for many years. For the first part of our friendship we lived in the same city. He eventually moved but we still kept in touch and would both make trips to visit each other through the years.
Last year he went through a divorce. We were on the phone constantly. He'd call me all the time. Right after his wife left him I went out to visit him just to show some support. About a month after that, it was like one day he seemed to make a conscious decision to slowly but definitively distance himself from me. I've been in touch with him a very small bit and I do know he's now in a serious relationship and has a new job which seems to be going extremely well.
But here's the thing, if I text him he rarely responds. If I call him, most of the time he won't call me back. Recently I checked in with him asking him if he'd be up for a quick weekend visit as we always meet up around this time of year. No response. Never in the years that I've known him has he just not responded when asked about coming to visit. Usually I get a call 5 minutes after texting and he's super psyched to have me come out.
Obviously a big part of me is sad that it seems my good buddy has decided that he no longer wants to be friends. And I fully respect that if it's what he wants. I'm also aware that given the divorce, new relationship, and new job it's a lot on his plate and maybe he's just out of time to give. But still...a part of me is not only sad but maybe even mad.
Maybe I'm not being sensitive enough to his situation? I know big life changes sometimes mean disconnections from close friends. But it was literally like one day we spoke all the time, and then mostly crickets.
Rather then push things I haven't followed up since asking if he wanted to do a meetup/visit. I feel like he's telling me with his non communication that he's not interested in getting together or really even being in contact.
There wasn't any fight...nothing close. It's like something just clicked and he decided I was no longer someone he wanted in his life.
Any thoughts here are appreciated. Would you confront him? If so, how would you approach it? Or would you just consider the relationship is done and don't contact him again. I appreciate any thoughts.
Best answer: Neither. If he’s not responding, he’s got some reasons it doesn’t sound like he wants to discuss and will likely get defensive about (especially if you’re wanting to “confront” him). However, that doesn’t mean the reasons have to do with you. With that said, maybe whatever is taking his attention will die down at some point. (Sure probably the partner and/or job.) Wouldn’t write it off, but would accept that at this moment his priority is elsewhere. If he’s didn’t like you, he wouldn’t have been friends with you for 20 years. Hurtful though it may be, try not to assume it’s you and leave contact up to him now.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:09 PM on December 10 [2 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:09 PM on December 10 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I’d check in on him and see if he’s okay. Often depression or shame can manifest like this. Divorce can be brutal and you may be a reminder of a particularly low point in his life.
That said, if you’re certain that he’s fine, I’d tell him that it’s all well and good if he’s busy but you deserve a bit better.
I know we’re all supposed to treat friendship as a throwaway relationship these days but this is not a cool way to treat a good friend.
posted by knobknosher at 6:11 PM on December 10 [22 favorites]
That said, if you’re certain that he’s fine, I’d tell him that it’s all well and good if he’s busy but you deserve a bit better.
I know we’re all supposed to treat friendship as a throwaway relationship these days but this is not a cool way to treat a good friend.
posted by knobknosher at 6:11 PM on December 10 [22 favorites]
Best answer: I have thoughts, so please bear with me.
The new relationship could be consuming much of his time/thoughts. Couple that with a new job and perhaps he doesn't have the bandwidth to continue a relationship with anyone else. He may just be exhausted.
Or, he may have decided to reinvent himself after the divorce and is "cleaning house". There isn't anything you can do, sadly, about that, and I completely understand your anger and confusion.
If you hold out until after the new year and don't hear from him, maybe just send him an email wishing him well, expressing your sadness at the demise/cool down of a long friendship, a few favorite memories, and a good bye.
Not for nothing, but I have a childhood best friend that I don't speak to very often, hardly at all honestly, but when we do connect we have great conversations/time together. It's just how it has grown to be.
Again, I completely understand your hurt feelings, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this with no clear reason why.
posted by annieb at 6:15 PM on December 10 [5 favorites]
The new relationship could be consuming much of his time/thoughts. Couple that with a new job and perhaps he doesn't have the bandwidth to continue a relationship with anyone else. He may just be exhausted.
Or, he may have decided to reinvent himself after the divorce and is "cleaning house". There isn't anything you can do, sadly, about that, and I completely understand your anger and confusion.
If you hold out until after the new year and don't hear from him, maybe just send him an email wishing him well, expressing your sadness at the demise/cool down of a long friendship, a few favorite memories, and a good bye.
Not for nothing, but I have a childhood best friend that I don't speak to very often, hardly at all honestly, but when we do connect we have great conversations/time together. It's just how it has grown to be.
Again, I completely understand your hurt feelings, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this with no clear reason why.
posted by annieb at 6:15 PM on December 10 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I'd continue to reach out without expecting anything. Is there something that reminds you of him? Send him that when you see it! If you follow each other on social media, continue to respond to his posts.
I am a cis and mostly straight woman so it may be different but I have found that my men friends withdraw in different ways when they're going through major life changes. I get it. It hurts but I also know it's not a personal thing.
I think we all reassess our relationships with people during major life changes. That may not mean he doesn't like you! It could just mean he's figuring it out.
(I also think some people feel embarrassed or overly vulnerable when they relied on certain people during a time. I don't know if that's what's happening here but it could just be he felt he opened up too much and now wants to put some walls up.)
But friendships change. Yeah, sometimes that sucks and I'm sorry. You probably didn't do anything. I wouldn't confront him but just let it be on him to reach out again. And if he does, it's up to you if you're open to that again.
posted by edencosmic at 6:22 PM on December 10 [12 favorites]
I am a cis and mostly straight woman so it may be different but I have found that my men friends withdraw in different ways when they're going through major life changes. I get it. It hurts but I also know it's not a personal thing.
I think we all reassess our relationships with people during major life changes. That may not mean he doesn't like you! It could just mean he's figuring it out.
(I also think some people feel embarrassed or overly vulnerable when they relied on certain people during a time. I don't know if that's what's happening here but it could just be he felt he opened up too much and now wants to put some walls up.)
But friendships change. Yeah, sometimes that sucks and I'm sorry. You probably didn't do anything. I wouldn't confront him but just let it be on him to reach out again. And if he does, it's up to you if you're open to that again.
posted by edencosmic at 6:22 PM on December 10 [12 favorites]
Best answer: First thing comes to mind is: (a) are you an opposite sex, both of you are straight friendship, and (b) is there some likelihood his girlfriend has a problem with that sort of thing? How does the timing line up between his semi-ghosting and getting the girl?
I'd guess the new relationship is probably the seed of this issue, one way or another. Either the girlfriend isn't into the friendship (possibly even if you're of the same gender?) or he's too emotionally schmoopy to bother to put anything into platonic friendships any more. Occasionally you'll find that a guy THROWS himself into a relationship and ditches his old life entirely, so that could be his own initiative instead of a girlfriend issue.
I'm not sure if there's a point in confronting, though. People who are mostly or entirely ghosting will just ignore and not respond anyway. If you never contact him again and nothing happens, that's the usual answer everyone gets.
I'm kind of leaning towards suggesting some kind of farewell email, leaving it at, I'm leaving the ball in your court if you want to ever connect, but I don't want to bother you if you'd really rather not be bothered and you've moved on from the friendship and are otherwise busy. At least that way you give yourself some sort of closure/"I tried" in your heart, even if he never responds.
(I note I sent what I assumed was going to be a friendship-ending letter last year around this time and...well, it didn't end, for what that's worth. The holidays can bring out some very strange feelings in people.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:24 PM on December 10 [15 favorites]
I'd guess the new relationship is probably the seed of this issue, one way or another. Either the girlfriend isn't into the friendship (possibly even if you're of the same gender?) or he's too emotionally schmoopy to bother to put anything into platonic friendships any more. Occasionally you'll find that a guy THROWS himself into a relationship and ditches his old life entirely, so that could be his own initiative instead of a girlfriend issue.
I'm not sure if there's a point in confronting, though. People who are mostly or entirely ghosting will just ignore and not respond anyway. If you never contact him again and nothing happens, that's the usual answer everyone gets.
I'm kind of leaning towards suggesting some kind of farewell email, leaving it at, I'm leaving the ball in your court if you want to ever connect, but I don't want to bother you if you'd really rather not be bothered and you've moved on from the friendship and are otherwise busy. At least that way you give yourself some sort of closure/"I tried" in your heart, even if he never responds.
(I note I sent what I assumed was going to be a friendship-ending letter last year around this time and...well, it didn't end, for what that's worth. The holidays can bring out some very strange feelings in people.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:24 PM on December 10 [15 favorites]
Best answer: I'm just going to offer you sympathy. A friendship breakup -- or even a friendship time-out, if that is what this is -- is extremely painful. You should give yourself grace and room to mourn what you've lost; the pain is legit. I know this from experience, alas.
posted by BlahLaLa at 6:28 PM on December 10 [14 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 6:28 PM on December 10 [14 favorites]
Before you decide on a course of action, you need to define your goal.
Fwiw, I think this retreat is coming from his new girlfriend in some form. Whether she is isolating him or just monopolizing his time and space is hard to tell.
As for what I would do, I would stay the course and continue to contact him periodically.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:52 PM on December 10 [4 favorites]
Fwiw, I think this retreat is coming from his new girlfriend in some form. Whether she is isolating him or just monopolizing his time and space is hard to tell.
As for what I would do, I would stay the course and continue to contact him periodically.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:52 PM on December 10 [4 favorites]
Best answer: How does the timing line up between his semi-ghosting and getting the girl?
This can be the case even if you're not female and there's no hint of potential romantic jealousy. I have a friend who was romantically mopey for years and used to call me all the time. I'm talking three hours a day call me all the time. Then we both got into relationships and we don't talk every day or text as often; when we talk it's usually short. In part it's because now if he wants long conversations he's intruding on my intimate life with my partner: if my partner is available, I'd rather talk to him or involve him in a conversation. In part it's because when he got in a relationship, he spent three hours a day talking to the new girlfriend.
I've noticed that now that he's having issues with the new girlfriend, he's calling more, and it's more of an issue; my partner and I are kind of ducking him a little bit because we want to sleep, not talk to him in the middle of the night or whatever.
I wouldn't assume it's anything to do with you.
posted by corb at 7:35 PM on December 10 [2 favorites]
This can be the case even if you're not female and there's no hint of potential romantic jealousy. I have a friend who was romantically mopey for years and used to call me all the time. I'm talking three hours a day call me all the time. Then we both got into relationships and we don't talk every day or text as often; when we talk it's usually short. In part it's because now if he wants long conversations he's intruding on my intimate life with my partner: if my partner is available, I'd rather talk to him or involve him in a conversation. In part it's because when he got in a relationship, he spent three hours a day talking to the new girlfriend.
I've noticed that now that he's having issues with the new girlfriend, he's calling more, and it's more of an issue; my partner and I are kind of ducking him a little bit because we want to sleep, not talk to him in the middle of the night or whatever.
I wouldn't assume it's anything to do with you.
posted by corb at 7:35 PM on December 10 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If your relationship w/ him had a lot of overlap with his marriage, there's a good chance you maybe remind him too much of something he's trying to move on from. Not fair to you, but not uncommon.
I'd leave your hand out. Send him a line whenever you feel like it but just leave the door open. Divorce does a number on a lot of people, and if the breakup was contentious and drawn out, he might just not be able to deal with any of those memories right now, which includes you.
If this has all happened less than a year ago, just give him some time. He is sorting things out. Maybe the girlfriend has something to do with it, or maybe she's a short-term thing, there's no knowing.
posted by emjaybee at 7:51 PM on December 10
I'd leave your hand out. Send him a line whenever you feel like it but just leave the door open. Divorce does a number on a lot of people, and if the breakup was contentious and drawn out, he might just not be able to deal with any of those memories right now, which includes you.
If this has all happened less than a year ago, just give him some time. He is sorting things out. Maybe the girlfriend has something to do with it, or maybe she's a short-term thing, there's no knowing.
posted by emjaybee at 7:51 PM on December 10
Consider the fullness of the situation, and compare it to your interpretation of it. I don't see that you have any clear understanding that a boundary has been put in place, but your mind is rushing into the ambiguity and creating catastrophic stories. Maybe his phone OS updated and now he's not seeing notifications from you? That's just one example of a plausible explanation that is just as likely as any other.
Yes, try to contact your friend. Hold off on assuming the worst. Keep your mind as open as your heart, because it's a good thing that you miss your friend. Maybe try mailing a card or something that gets around the text-email-phone axis, simply because those routes are all easy to ignore or postpone or procrastinate (especially if someone feels bad for not having been as responsive as they'd like to have been).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:33 AM on December 11 [2 favorites]
Yes, try to contact your friend. Hold off on assuming the worst. Keep your mind as open as your heart, because it's a good thing that you miss your friend. Maybe try mailing a card or something that gets around the text-email-phone axis, simply because those routes are all easy to ignore or postpone or procrastinate (especially if someone feels bad for not having been as responsive as they'd like to have been).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:33 AM on December 11 [2 favorites]
Best answer: >he's now in a serious relationship
This is what jumped out of me. Worst case scenario, the new partner doesn't like that he's friends with you/is jealous or threatened and has told him to cut off contact with you. More worst case scenario is that it's an abusive relationship and she's isolating him from friends/family (or conversely, he could be doing shitty things to her?). OR more benignly, he's completely wrapped up in this new relationship and is the type of friend to abandon their friends/see them a lot less when they have a new beau (I really dislike that btw). If this is what's happening, he may come around again if he breaks up with her. If that does come to pass, it's up to you if you want to be friends with someone who treats their friends this way.
>Last year he went through a divorce. We were on the phone constantly. He'd call me all the time. Right after his wife left him I went out to visit him just to show some support. About a month after that, it was like one day he seemed to make a conscious decision to slowly but definitively distance himself from me.
If I'm being really cynical, you've served your purpose to him. You bent over backwards to provide emotional labour to him during a difficult time and now he's... just forgotten about you. It's a shitty thing to do to a friend. If I was going to adopt this interpretation (and you do not have to!), I'd be pissed. If that's not helpful to you, leave it and follow any of the great advice above that speak to you. I know I have a pretty negative perspective compared to the comments so far.
posted by foxjacket at 8:59 AM on December 11 [1 favorite]
This is what jumped out of me. Worst case scenario, the new partner doesn't like that he's friends with you/is jealous or threatened and has told him to cut off contact with you. More worst case scenario is that it's an abusive relationship and she's isolating him from friends/family (or conversely, he could be doing shitty things to her?). OR more benignly, he's completely wrapped up in this new relationship and is the type of friend to abandon their friends/see them a lot less when they have a new beau (I really dislike that btw). If this is what's happening, he may come around again if he breaks up with her. If that does come to pass, it's up to you if you want to be friends with someone who treats their friends this way.
>Last year he went through a divorce. We were on the phone constantly. He'd call me all the time. Right after his wife left him I went out to visit him just to show some support. About a month after that, it was like one day he seemed to make a conscious decision to slowly but definitively distance himself from me.
If I'm being really cynical, you've served your purpose to him. You bent over backwards to provide emotional labour to him during a difficult time and now he's... just forgotten about you. It's a shitty thing to do to a friend. If I was going to adopt this interpretation (and you do not have to!), I'd be pissed. If that's not helpful to you, leave it and follow any of the great advice above that speak to you. I know I have a pretty negative perspective compared to the comments so far.
posted by foxjacket at 8:59 AM on December 11 [1 favorite]
he's now in a serious relationship
It is extremely common for friends to effectively disappear when entering into a new serious relationship.
posted by slkinsey at 9:16 AM on December 11 [5 favorites]
It is extremely common for friends to effectively disappear when entering into a new serious relationship.
posted by slkinsey at 9:16 AM on December 11 [5 favorites]
I say nah, don't confront unless you basically want to blow up the friendship permanently and get whatever closure or catharsis that brings you. What I learned a long time ago is people who have the propensity to drift like this definitely are not inclined to hang out more once you drop a bunch of heavy shit on them about how they never respond, hang out, hold up their end of the friendship or what have you. It stresses them out and makes them want to hang less and they begin to view you as a needy or clingy person.
I have a couple friends that basically went from seeing/texting with all the time to seeing once or twice a year - they'd get a new partner and decide they don't really feel like socializing anymore, or get involved with a hobby and basically decide they like that group more, sort of disappear...it's very easy to get frustrated like "wow fuck you, never forget the OGs who were with you since the beginning you jerk!!!" But I've found it much easier to be the chill friend with the mindset of "hey dude I know we don't connect as much but you know my door is always open and I love that we can pick up where we left off!" especially for when these friends pop back up now and then, which is much more rewarding even if the relationship isn't as close as it used to be.
posted by windbox at 9:19 AM on December 11 [6 favorites]
I have a couple friends that basically went from seeing/texting with all the time to seeing once or twice a year - they'd get a new partner and decide they don't really feel like socializing anymore, or get involved with a hobby and basically decide they like that group more, sort of disappear...it's very easy to get frustrated like "wow fuck you, never forget the OGs who were with you since the beginning you jerk!!!" But I've found it much easier to be the chill friend with the mindset of "hey dude I know we don't connect as much but you know my door is always open and I love that we can pick up where we left off!" especially for when these friends pop back up now and then, which is much more rewarding even if the relationship isn't as close as it used to be.
posted by windbox at 9:19 AM on December 11 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Here’s my take: he hasn’t decided to end your friendship. Rather, he’s totally caught up in his new relationship - the first post-divorce can be especially exciting and all-consuming - and just doesn’t have time like he did before, and, I suspect, he feels guilty about that. He might feel especially guilty because he relied on you so much for emotional support and friendship during his divorce.
Do you want to call it quits? Sometimes friendships ebb and flow. It’s possible he might have more capacity, he might emerge again, in a few months or a year. Can you back away and be patient?
If not, if it hurts too much, then it’s totally okay to call it. I might suggest giving it one more chance: hey friend, I’m feeling hurt about not hearing from you. Can we catch up by phone for a bit? I wouldn’t confront him, exactly, but more be vulnerable and let him know you’re hurt.
You can also just sort of let it go.
I don’t know if you’re a man or a woman, but if you’re a woman, that would explain a lot that’s not worth getting into if you’re a guy.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:03 AM on December 11 [2 favorites]
Do you want to call it quits? Sometimes friendships ebb and flow. It’s possible he might have more capacity, he might emerge again, in a few months or a year. Can you back away and be patient?
If not, if it hurts too much, then it’s totally okay to call it. I might suggest giving it one more chance: hey friend, I’m feeling hurt about not hearing from you. Can we catch up by phone for a bit? I wouldn’t confront him, exactly, but more be vulnerable and let him know you’re hurt.
You can also just sort of let it go.
I don’t know if you’re a man or a woman, but if you’re a woman, that would explain a lot that’s not worth getting into if you’re a guy.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:03 AM on December 11 [2 favorites]
I have heard this called "moving to boyfriend island" or "caught in chicksand" depending on genders! 😉
my sister is currently on boyfriend island after her divorce and I have gone from getting about 10-40 texts a day to one every 3 or 4 days and that's my baby sister!
I'd wait longer before a "confrontation" but if you are good friends, and as a certified Bad Texter™ myself since the pandemic, I support a prompt to tell him to answer your texts.
posted by euphoria066 at 10:15 AM on December 11 [3 favorites]
my sister is currently on boyfriend island after her divorce and I have gone from getting about 10-40 texts a day to one every 3 or 4 days and that's my baby sister!
I'd wait longer before a "confrontation" but if you are good friends, and as a certified Bad Texter™ myself since the pandemic, I support a prompt to tell him to answer your texts.
posted by euphoria066 at 10:15 AM on December 11 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I think you are handling this well. You are not banging your head against a brick wall trying to make him respond. I think the right thing to do is to back off. I wouldn't back all the way off, but I would assume that if I initiate and he doesn't respond that makes him feel uncomfortable, so I need to only contact him enough to indicate that when and if he wants to contact me, I am still out there, cheerful and fond of him. I would assume that every time he fails to reply he feels more uncomfortable, and that discomfort is either the problem, or is rapidly becoming one.
There is a not small chance that his current relationship and/or job requires a lot of social effort from him. There are many people, for example, who feel that their romantic partner signed up to be their therapist, and happily initiates several hour long sessions a week of doing a core dump and musing about all their childhood and their relationships, and self discipline issues and so on. If your friend has a new partner like that, he could be totally burnt out on emotional labor. If his new job involves sales, or customer service, or a needy manager, he could be burnt out on emotional labor and on social interactions.
My guess is that this guy cannot be there for you right now, so a good way to drive him away is to ask him to be there for you - to confront him, to push, to keep interrupting. Chasing people only works if they are flirting and sending signals that they want to be chased.
You may have lost him. Eventually we lose everybody. That's how it goes. If you dwell on being hurt, or angry or sad, you're going to associate those things with him, and the relationship will include baggage like "that time you hurt me so much" or "that time you pissed me off so much." That won't be much good for you, and could even mean that when he comes back and tells you about his new partner's cancer treatment, and the long nights when she was having chemo, you'll forgive him of course - and still feel sad, because you had to forgive him despite your pain, and you'll feel insecure because he ditched once, so you can't shed the awareness that he might ditch you again.
I suggest you trust him, and listen to his signals. He can't be close to you right now. Or he doesn't want to be close to you right now. That doesn't make him the bad guy, but chasing him makes you needy, and feeling entitled to his attention will make you feel insecurity for being the kind of person who gets rebuffed. To minimize your own pain, let him go. To allow for future connection, don't delete him, don't stop contacting him, but switch to only giving him rare messages suitable to a mass mailing list, messages that do not solicit a response or a reply. So no questions. But "I got the new job!!!!" and shared memes that are irresistible, and things like that.
My guess is that his life now means he can't or doesn't want to be close to you - very likely that he can't. Focus on the idea that he can't. Maybe it's his health - since he had Covid, he barely gets through his day - or that it's his job and commute combination, or his boss-from-hell. Don't think of yourself as a pariah and him as a user who dumped you as soon as he didn't need you. That way just leads to feeling resentful. Unless you actually know for certain that he is deliberately ghosting you out of hostility or contempt, then assuming his motivation is bad, or callous is one of those cognitive distortions, where you project motivation onto someone else. If the guy was worth your friendship then, why assume he turned into a jerk?
You need to negotiate from a position of power. Chasing someone who can dodge you is a position of weakness. Trying to make someone feel the way you want them to feel when that is out of your control, is deliberately taking on a role that is doomed to failure. So work on the mindset that he was a good friend and the time you spent with him was good - and that it is also okay, if the two of you drift apart and he goes first.
posted by Jane the Brown at 2:01 PM on December 11 [2 favorites]
There is a not small chance that his current relationship and/or job requires a lot of social effort from him. There are many people, for example, who feel that their romantic partner signed up to be their therapist, and happily initiates several hour long sessions a week of doing a core dump and musing about all their childhood and their relationships, and self discipline issues and so on. If your friend has a new partner like that, he could be totally burnt out on emotional labor. If his new job involves sales, or customer service, or a needy manager, he could be burnt out on emotional labor and on social interactions.
My guess is that this guy cannot be there for you right now, so a good way to drive him away is to ask him to be there for you - to confront him, to push, to keep interrupting. Chasing people only works if they are flirting and sending signals that they want to be chased.
You may have lost him. Eventually we lose everybody. That's how it goes. If you dwell on being hurt, or angry or sad, you're going to associate those things with him, and the relationship will include baggage like "that time you hurt me so much" or "that time you pissed me off so much." That won't be much good for you, and could even mean that when he comes back and tells you about his new partner's cancer treatment, and the long nights when she was having chemo, you'll forgive him of course - and still feel sad, because you had to forgive him despite your pain, and you'll feel insecure because he ditched once, so you can't shed the awareness that he might ditch you again.
I suggest you trust him, and listen to his signals. He can't be close to you right now. Or he doesn't want to be close to you right now. That doesn't make him the bad guy, but chasing him makes you needy, and feeling entitled to his attention will make you feel insecurity for being the kind of person who gets rebuffed. To minimize your own pain, let him go. To allow for future connection, don't delete him, don't stop contacting him, but switch to only giving him rare messages suitable to a mass mailing list, messages that do not solicit a response or a reply. So no questions. But "I got the new job!!!!" and shared memes that are irresistible, and things like that.
My guess is that his life now means he can't or doesn't want to be close to you - very likely that he can't. Focus on the idea that he can't. Maybe it's his health - since he had Covid, he barely gets through his day - or that it's his job and commute combination, or his boss-from-hell. Don't think of yourself as a pariah and him as a user who dumped you as soon as he didn't need you. That way just leads to feeling resentful. Unless you actually know for certain that he is deliberately ghosting you out of hostility or contempt, then assuming his motivation is bad, or callous is one of those cognitive distortions, where you project motivation onto someone else. If the guy was worth your friendship then, why assume he turned into a jerk?
You need to negotiate from a position of power. Chasing someone who can dodge you is a position of weakness. Trying to make someone feel the way you want them to feel when that is out of your control, is deliberately taking on a role that is doomed to failure. So work on the mindset that he was a good friend and the time you spent with him was good - and that it is also okay, if the two of you drift apart and he goes first.
posted by Jane the Brown at 2:01 PM on December 11 [2 favorites]
jenfullmoon: First thing comes to mind is: (a) are you an opposite sex, both of you are straight friendship, and (b) is there some likelihood his girlfriend has a problem with that sort of thing?
Or (b) is there any likelihood he actually did have feelings for you? I went through a very confusing and bewildering friendship breakup once—in my case she did cut me off completely—and that's what turned out to be behind it. (We ended up dating for a while after sorting that out, but that's another story.)
posted by capricorn at 3:25 PM on December 11 [1 favorite]
Or (b) is there any likelihood he actually did have feelings for you? I went through a very confusing and bewildering friendship breakup once—in my case she did cut me off completely—and that's what turned out to be behind it. (We ended up dating for a while after sorting that out, but that's another story.)
posted by capricorn at 3:25 PM on December 11 [1 favorite]
“When you’re on the receiving end of No Contact.” by Captain Awkward might have some salient points for you
posted by lalochezia at 6:54 PM on December 11 [1 favorite]
posted by lalochezia at 6:54 PM on December 11 [1 favorite]
I'm really sorry. Getting cut off sucks. I went through this with somebody whom I thought was a close friend, who did it after I went through a breakup. I'd recommend just leaving it be, don't attempt to contact them or find closure. That doesn't exist.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:45 AM on December 12
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:45 AM on December 12
(b) is there any likelihood he actually did have feelings for you? I went through a very confusing and bewildering friendship breakup once—in my case she did cut me off completely—and that's what turned out to be behind it.
Oooh yeah. Me, of all people, missing that one :P Also possible.
(We ended up dating for a while after sorting that out, but that's another story.)
How?!?
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:45 AM on December 12
Oooh yeah. Me, of all people, missing that one :P Also possible.
(We ended up dating for a while after sorting that out, but that's another story.)
How?!?
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:45 AM on December 12
Response by poster: I really appreciate all the different insights here so far. Just so everyone knows I'm a straight married male and my friend is straight...undoubtedly. So I don't think that was part of the equation.
posted by ljs30 at 10:12 AM on December 12
posted by ljs30 at 10:12 AM on December 12
jenfullmoon: How?!?
Oh geez, I don't even fully remember. It was a confusing situation because I thought I was the one in unrequited love, and so after months of bewildered pining after she cut me off I think I sent her a confessional email where I laid it all out and then we opened up to each other.
posted by capricorn at 1:43 PM on December 12 [1 favorite]
Oh geez, I don't even fully remember. It was a confusing situation because I thought I was the one in unrequited love, and so after months of bewildered pining after she cut me off I think I sent her a confessional email where I laid it all out and then we opened up to each other.
posted by capricorn at 1:43 PM on December 12 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A handful of years ago, in the heart of the pandemic and immediately following a break-up, I reached out to a handful of old friends in faraway places to suggest zoom/facetime chats. I ended up talking to a few folks but never got back to one old and beloved friend who had responded with enthusiasm. I felt so guilty about never responding that I sort of avoided contact with her for a while. I later realized she didn't care that I didn't respond! However, my guilt about not following up had lingered for ages.
I suspect your friend is feeling guilty about not staying in contact and is therefore retreating more, out of shame. I don't think he has specifically asked for no contact, right? I think one more message -- "Hey, friend, I know you're busy now, but please know the door is always open to get back in touch" -- could be a good way to get some closure for you and leave the ball in his court.
But, again, that's only if it feels emotionally okay and true to say that. I know it can be hurtful not to hear back from someone, especially when you were in contact so frequently before.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:37 PM on December 12 [2 favorites]
I suspect your friend is feeling guilty about not staying in contact and is therefore retreating more, out of shame. I don't think he has specifically asked for no contact, right? I think one more message -- "Hey, friend, I know you're busy now, but please know the door is always open to get back in touch" -- could be a good way to get some closure for you and leave the ball in his court.
But, again, that's only if it feels emotionally okay and true to say that. I know it can be hurtful not to hear back from someone, especially when you were in contact so frequently before.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:37 PM on December 12 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I am going through something very similar. Friend of 20 years has done a similar thing. In 2020 the friendship had become long distance and I do most of the visits. He stopped replying to messages for months and then I found he had been in my city but not looked me up - that stung.
Eventually I sent him something similar to one of the messages suggested about the door being open. He replied saying he wasn't ghosting me but had had a mental breakdown and then he disappeared again.
I don't have any good advice really because I am where you are, and the situation prevents me from being reasonable about the good friendship we had for years when I still feel sad and angry.
I just wanted to say you're not alone, I know that it hurts, deeply.
posted by BuffySummers at 2:48 PM on December 13 [1 favorite]
Eventually I sent him something similar to one of the messages suggested about the door being open. He replied saying he wasn't ghosting me but had had a mental breakdown and then he disappeared again.
I don't have any good advice really because I am where you are, and the situation prevents me from being reasonable about the good friendship we had for years when I still feel sad and angry.
I just wanted to say you're not alone, I know that it hurts, deeply.
posted by BuffySummers at 2:48 PM on December 13 [1 favorite]
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It depends on what I wanted from him. Closure? A return to the way things were? To check in to make sure he's okay?
"Confront" is also a... confrontational way of putting things. Saying you'd like to talk about where the two of you are at seems a little less pugnacious. If there's no response then I would walk away.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:52 PM on December 10 [1 favorite]