Accepting Curmudgeon Status
December 7, 2024 11:32 AM Subscribe
After some attempts to figure out why I am so consistently tired/cranky/lonely and feel better, I want to accept myself as those things.
As you can see from my posting history, I have been feeling tired/cranky/lonely for a while and have tried to come up with solutions. Assume for purposes of this question: I exercise, sleep, have good nutrition, a supportive spouse, have taken an SSRI for years. I can't seem to figure out what the "problem" is and am starting to reframe this as not really a problem, just a feature. Did you ever come to accept yourself as kinda tired/crabby/curmugeonly and how was it? Like, did you ever just decide this is probably your emotional baseline, and just roll with it? What did that look like for you? I am kinda wondering if I cut out all the flailing about trying to improve or change things, maybe that would actually be freeing.
As you can see from my posting history, I have been feeling tired/cranky/lonely for a while and have tried to come up with solutions. Assume for purposes of this question: I exercise, sleep, have good nutrition, a supportive spouse, have taken an SSRI for years. I can't seem to figure out what the "problem" is and am starting to reframe this as not really a problem, just a feature. Did you ever come to accept yourself as kinda tired/crabby/curmugeonly and how was it? Like, did you ever just decide this is probably your emotional baseline, and just roll with it? What did that look like for you? I am kinda wondering if I cut out all the flailing about trying to improve or change things, maybe that would actually be freeing.
Apologies in advance for not answering this question right away, but is it possible the SSRI is actually contributing to the problem? My experience with SSRIs was overall very positive and it treated my actual depression very well, but I do feel I was very sluggish and experienced frequent ennui while on it. And in no way am I suggesting that you somehow have ADHD from what you’ve described, but switching to a stimulant medication post-diagnosis has made me a much happier and more energetic person.
I don’t have very actionable advice for accepting curmudgeonliness, but reading your previous questions it sounds like you have a very full life, especially with parenting a toddler! I do not have children and previously had a very demanding career that is a much more manageable freelance career now, and it is unreal the amount of energy I had after switching to freelance. Some people are built differently and have bottomless energy for extracurriculars on top of kids and a full-time job but I suspect a lot of those people also have outside help to make things more manageable.
Maybe it could help to reframe it as less tired crabbiness and more that you’re genuinely shouldering quite a lot and are accordingly tuckered. This might help make doing self-care things feel a little more satisfying and luxurious; instead of putting pressure on yourself to change because you’re conked out at 5 PM, playing a mindless game/watching reality TV/whatever is time well-spent to recharge.
posted by throwitawayurthegarbageman at 11:50 AM on December 7 [5 favorites]
I don’t have very actionable advice for accepting curmudgeonliness, but reading your previous questions it sounds like you have a very full life, especially with parenting a toddler! I do not have children and previously had a very demanding career that is a much more manageable freelance career now, and it is unreal the amount of energy I had after switching to freelance. Some people are built differently and have bottomless energy for extracurriculars on top of kids and a full-time job but I suspect a lot of those people also have outside help to make things more manageable.
Maybe it could help to reframe it as less tired crabbiness and more that you’re genuinely shouldering quite a lot and are accordingly tuckered. This might help make doing self-care things feel a little more satisfying and luxurious; instead of putting pressure on yourself to change because you’re conked out at 5 PM, playing a mindless game/watching reality TV/whatever is time well-spent to recharge.
posted by throwitawayurthegarbageman at 11:50 AM on December 7 [5 favorites]
Perimenopause symptoms are generally believed to start around age 48. However, many are starting to suggest that we should actually be looking at 42 as another common starting point. And some people might start having hormone fluctuations in their late 30s. BCPs and SSRIs can help with some of these symptoms but a true drop in estrogen can affect all kinds of things. I started Lexapro because my doc wasn’t ready to put me on hormones. It helped a lot. But nothing has been as great as my estrogen patch. So great that I weaned off Lexapro and have felt more like myself. Which is not a self devoid of ennui but has more fluctuation which includes some happy highs as well. I think it is worth another comprehensive visit with your doctor to talk about your symptoms and whether they recommend a change in SSRI, a balancing of your hormones, a change in supplements. Exercise is great but who can exercise when they are flat on the floor with no zest for life. The next thing I want is some testosterone gel. Even harder to get proscribed but we shall see…..
posted by amanda at 12:55 PM on December 7 [4 favorites]
posted by amanda at 12:55 PM on December 7 [4 favorites]
To answer your actual question, mindfulness and radical acceptance can both help. DBT is full of practical tips for putting those things into play (google DBT mindfulness pdf, or DBT radical acceptance pdf).
To answer more specifically:
1) good therapy is hard to get but it’s important if you can do it, it can be a big part of accepting yourself which sounds like you want to do here and doesn’t have to be about making you “happy”
2) part of enjoying your life is not just avoiding bad experiences, but actively adding good ones and being mindful while you do so. A good experience can be as minor as drinking a soda you like or feeling the sunshine on your skin. But you do need to practice being mindful and present during those moments.
I think your intuition is right that trying too hard to avoid being unhappy can actually make enjoying life harder. Being more present in happy moments, without clinging to them, can actually make you enjoy your happiness more, which is different than avoiding unhappiness.
Two possible solution oriented things that you might not be interested in:
3) wellbutrin and/or a different SSRI? Wellbutrin tends to be activating and good for the kind of slump type depression. Generally, I feel like if you’re on an SSRI and I’ve been for years and aren’t feeling better it may be time to either get a psychiatrist or switch psychiatrists
4) perimenopause?
posted by knobknosher at 1:20 PM on December 7 [2 favorites]
To answer more specifically:
1) good therapy is hard to get but it’s important if you can do it, it can be a big part of accepting yourself which sounds like you want to do here and doesn’t have to be about making you “happy”
2) part of enjoying your life is not just avoiding bad experiences, but actively adding good ones and being mindful while you do so. A good experience can be as minor as drinking a soda you like or feeling the sunshine on your skin. But you do need to practice being mindful and present during those moments.
I think your intuition is right that trying too hard to avoid being unhappy can actually make enjoying life harder. Being more present in happy moments, without clinging to them, can actually make you enjoy your happiness more, which is different than avoiding unhappiness.
Two possible solution oriented things that you might not be interested in:
3) wellbutrin and/or a different SSRI? Wellbutrin tends to be activating and good for the kind of slump type depression. Generally, I feel like if you’re on an SSRI and I’ve been for years and aren’t feeling better it may be time to either get a psychiatrist or switch psychiatrists
4) perimenopause?
posted by knobknosher at 1:20 PM on December 7 [2 favorites]
Yes. It has helped me a lot. I don’t know how to describe it exactly but I finally just accepted myself as a grouchy old man even though I am a middle aged woman. Would it upset 87 year old Rodney next door? Then I know it will annoy me too. And like Rodney, I also require lots of rest, am picky about many things, and do best when I can go at my own pace and take my time. Just accepting that I’m kind of an old crank at heart lets me be more generous (and honest) with myself and others, and life has seemed easier that way.
posted by stellaluna at 1:26 PM on December 7 [15 favorites]
posted by stellaluna at 1:26 PM on December 7 [15 favorites]
I started Lexapro because my doc wasn’t ready to put me on hormones. It helped a lot. But nothing has been as great as my estrogen patch
QFT
posted by thivaia at 1:29 PM on December 7
QFT
posted by thivaia at 1:29 PM on December 7
Response by poster: I did wonder if it could be hormonal. I am on a progesterone only bc. I did try wellbutrin and it felt awesome, but then I broke out in hives. It sounds like maybe further attempts to tweak the meds have worked for some of you. Also, maybe menopause in a decade or so will help.
posted by Sophiaverde at 1:54 PM on December 7
posted by Sophiaverde at 1:54 PM on December 7
I get snappish and clumsier when I haven't been drinking enough water. Upping your hydration might not help, but it's super easy to try! Good luck.
posted by kate4914 at 2:41 PM on December 7
posted by kate4914 at 2:41 PM on December 7
Hmm, so this isn’t in the self acceptance category you asked for, but I quickly perused your ask history and you don’t strike me as curmudgeonly. You strike me as tired. Since your ask about your energy levels, has that improved at all?
For me, curmudgeonly-ness is a function of available energy. If I have no energy, I have very little zest, patience or grace for the little things in life (good or bad). I’m just in low grade survival mode trying not to fall asleep at the wheel or bite anyone’s head off or burn out at work.
Things that have chronically zapped my energy the last few years: long covid, undiagnosed sleep apnea, unfulfilling home environment, unfulfilling romantic relationship, work stress, undiagnosed brain injury, undiagnosed autism and adhd.
Those, I have come to realize, were the core underlying factors of my general capacity and outlook.
Things that have drastically helped recoup my energy: a CPAP, correct diagnoses, ADHD meds, autism support groups, speech therapy, break off my relationship, medical leave, change nature of my job role. After a few long years of negative feedback loops, I am (according to me and people I trust!) the least curmudgeonly I’ve been in recent memory.
As others are mentioning with hormones and meds (and in addition to the also-mentioned DBT / radical acceptance skills that all would benefit from!) I hope you are able to tweak anything zapping your energy to have a more positive outlook for your own self.
posted by seemoorglass at 2:45 PM on December 7 [6 favorites]
For me, curmudgeonly-ness is a function of available energy. If I have no energy, I have very little zest, patience or grace for the little things in life (good or bad). I’m just in low grade survival mode trying not to fall asleep at the wheel or bite anyone’s head off or burn out at work.
Things that have chronically zapped my energy the last few years: long covid, undiagnosed sleep apnea, unfulfilling home environment, unfulfilling romantic relationship, work stress, undiagnosed brain injury, undiagnosed autism and adhd.
Those, I have come to realize, were the core underlying factors of my general capacity and outlook.
Things that have drastically helped recoup my energy: a CPAP, correct diagnoses, ADHD meds, autism support groups, speech therapy, break off my relationship, medical leave, change nature of my job role. After a few long years of negative feedback loops, I am (according to me and people I trust!) the least curmudgeonly I’ve been in recent memory.
As others are mentioning with hormones and meds (and in addition to the also-mentioned DBT / radical acceptance skills that all would benefit from!) I hope you are able to tweak anything zapping your energy to have a more positive outlook for your own self.
posted by seemoorglass at 2:45 PM on December 7 [6 favorites]
I have accepted that many things make me feel curmudgeonly, so now whenever possible, I just opt not to do them.
"We're forming a committee at work to--"
"Busy. Thanks, no."
"Some of the neighbors are getting together and--"
"Please send them my best."
And so on.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 2:49 PM on December 7 [5 favorites]
"We're forming a committee at work to--"
"Busy. Thanks, no."
"Some of the neighbors are getting together and--"
"Please send them my best."
And so on.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 2:49 PM on December 7 [5 favorites]
Oscar the Grouch and Eeyore are both beloved by their friends and by their readers. Some of the people I have loved the most in the world have been curmudgeons. A curmudgeon, grump and negative as they may be, is not the worst personality in the world to have. Give me a curmudgeon any day, over a Toxic Positivity Princess, or a Stepford Wife, or a Mean Girl, or a Needy Narcissist or... I mean, I could list worse personality types for hours here.
If you are going to be a curmudgeon then you need to decide what kind of a curmudgeon you are going to be. The generous curmudgeon? The dependable one? The understanding and compassionate one? The no-nonsense one, who cuts off self pity before it can get established and points things in practical and realistic directions? The silent one who observes everything and solves problems with one pithy observation? You have a whole host of possible ways to be a curmudgeon that are valuable and wonderful and lovable, and which are not terrible ways to experience the world.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:50 PM on December 7 [22 favorites]
If you are going to be a curmudgeon then you need to decide what kind of a curmudgeon you are going to be. The generous curmudgeon? The dependable one? The understanding and compassionate one? The no-nonsense one, who cuts off self pity before it can get established and points things in practical and realistic directions? The silent one who observes everything and solves problems with one pithy observation? You have a whole host of possible ways to be a curmudgeon that are valuable and wonderful and lovable, and which are not terrible ways to experience the world.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:50 PM on December 7 [22 favorites]
I’ve been enjoying Oliver Burkeman’s books the past few years and it occurred to me he might have something on his blog that speaks to this type of acceptance. Not sure if you’ll enjoy this or feel like it speaks to you but posting just in case it does.
posted by hilaryjade at 5:27 PM on December 7 [1 favorite]
posted by hilaryjade at 5:27 PM on December 7 [1 favorite]
I am on a progesterone only bc
I’d reconsider this, progesterone makes me cranky and tired. YMMV but if it’s plausibly an issue it might be worth switching to a combo pill/going off
posted by knobknosher at 8:00 PM on December 7
I’d reconsider this, progesterone makes me cranky and tired. YMMV but if it’s plausibly an issue it might be worth switching to a combo pill/going off
posted by knobknosher at 8:00 PM on December 7
I think you're on the right track, but what if instead of framing it as 'this is who I have become, forever' you aim for acceptance of 'this is how I am right now'?
It's a bit of a subtle shift, but something about trying to metabolize this idea that everything you're feeling is a permanent change/loss makes the work of acceptance that much harder. It's possible that some of this is an artifact of no longer being young and that it's just the way things are going to be. But you can't really know that except in retrospect.
What you do know is how you feel right now. What if you were to listen to that and give yourself permission to only do what is necessary? Call it a moment in time, call it a season, but train your focus on what is, regardless of what you wish would be so. You're tired. You're working, you're with your family, and right now you don't have the bandwidth for volunteering or training for half marathons or being a shiny and socially impressive person. That is fine. Just take care of that, take care of you. You'll know when it's time for something different.
posted by wormtales at 6:54 AM on December 8 [1 favorite]
It's a bit of a subtle shift, but something about trying to metabolize this idea that everything you're feeling is a permanent change/loss makes the work of acceptance that much harder. It's possible that some of this is an artifact of no longer being young and that it's just the way things are going to be. But you can't really know that except in retrospect.
What you do know is how you feel right now. What if you were to listen to that and give yourself permission to only do what is necessary? Call it a moment in time, call it a season, but train your focus on what is, regardless of what you wish would be so. You're tired. You're working, you're with your family, and right now you don't have the bandwidth for volunteering or training for half marathons or being a shiny and socially impressive person. That is fine. Just take care of that, take care of you. You'll know when it's time for something different.
posted by wormtales at 6:54 AM on December 8 [1 favorite]
Yes it will!!!!! I really endorse this. I do a lot of guided imagery around this stuff. Plus reading books, watching movies, listening to songs - basically, in whatever bad mood I'm in or difficult place I am in my life, I try to be that WHOLEHEARTEDLY, the best and most fun version of that I can possibly be.
So if I were gonna lean into my curmudgeon era, here's a couople things I'd do to start.
1. Make a list of all admirable curmudgeons in literature, movies, and real life. Make a vision board of portraits of them, quotes, etc.
2. Make a playlist of all the songs that really capture that feeling.
3. Get a couple of items of clothing that really bring out that side of you (cardigans! orthopedic shoes!).
4. Devote a bit of time every day to just really BEING that version of yourself - maybe give her a name? (Shirley, Dolores?) and just be like, right now I am gonna let Shirley really Shirley it up. Don't hold her back (within reason). Go to the store and be cranky as hell (not rude). Or whatever.
5. Even when you can't fully BE Shirley, like at work or whatever, carry a little talisman around with you that reminds you of her, and maybe have a catchphrase that you can say to yourself. So if somebody comes up to you at work and you have to be polite, you can take the edge off by touching the talisman, saying the catchphrase, and then briefly IMAGINING what Shirley would say, before you say what the world requires of you.
This seems fun! I hope you enjoy it. And in my experience, the more you give these inner people room to really be themselves, the more they're willing to cede the floor to other versions of you (goofy, romantic, etc.) so you can really have fun with it without worrying that you're limiting your own experiences too much.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 8:08 AM on December 8 [4 favorites]
So if I were gonna lean into my curmudgeon era, here's a couople things I'd do to start.
1. Make a list of all admirable curmudgeons in literature, movies, and real life. Make a vision board of portraits of them, quotes, etc.
2. Make a playlist of all the songs that really capture that feeling.
3. Get a couple of items of clothing that really bring out that side of you (cardigans! orthopedic shoes!).
4. Devote a bit of time every day to just really BEING that version of yourself - maybe give her a name? (Shirley, Dolores?) and just be like, right now I am gonna let Shirley really Shirley it up. Don't hold her back (within reason). Go to the store and be cranky as hell (not rude). Or whatever.
5. Even when you can't fully BE Shirley, like at work or whatever, carry a little talisman around with you that reminds you of her, and maybe have a catchphrase that you can say to yourself. So if somebody comes up to you at work and you have to be polite, you can take the edge off by touching the talisman, saying the catchphrase, and then briefly IMAGINING what Shirley would say, before you say what the world requires of you.
This seems fun! I hope you enjoy it. And in my experience, the more you give these inner people room to really be themselves, the more they're willing to cede the floor to other versions of you (goofy, romantic, etc.) so you can really have fun with it without worrying that you're limiting your own experiences too much.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 8:08 AM on December 8 [4 favorites]
Being a curmudgeon is fine! Great even. I'm a curmudgeon! Most of my favorite people have been curmudgeons. To stop feeling bad about it, it helped me a lot to stop reading self-help books and generally step off the "here's what your life (and emotional state) is supposed to look like" train.
The self help books kept giving me the message that I was broken and needed fixing. You're not broken, or imperfect, you're just fine, and that's all there is to it. You can stop worrying about changing yourself and get on with doing the things you want to do with your life.
Also, removing various perssures has helped me feel less cranky/stressed out. (I said "less" cranky - I still get triggered all the time by things that annoy me, and it is what it is.) I work for myself now. I eliminated my commute. I don't force myself to do exercise I hate. I don't really do anything that isn't my own idea. I *do* do the things that make me happy, fullfilled, interested, even if they're not what my friends/family like, are "bad for you", or are waaaay off the beaten path. Letting go of that "here's what my life and my personality should be like" narrative has been freeing.
posted by bluesky78987 at 8:56 AM on December 8 [2 favorites]
The self help books kept giving me the message that I was broken and needed fixing. You're not broken, or imperfect, you're just fine, and that's all there is to it. You can stop worrying about changing yourself and get on with doing the things you want to do with your life.
Also, removing various perssures has helped me feel less cranky/stressed out. (I said "less" cranky - I still get triggered all the time by things that annoy me, and it is what it is.) I work for myself now. I eliminated my commute. I don't force myself to do exercise I hate. I don't really do anything that isn't my own idea. I *do* do the things that make me happy, fullfilled, interested, even if they're not what my friends/family like, are "bad for you", or are waaaay off the beaten path. Letting go of that "here's what my life and my personality should be like" narrative has been freeing.
posted by bluesky78987 at 8:56 AM on December 8 [2 favorites]
I am on a progesterone only bc.
Oh good lord, this is almost certainly your answer right here. Progesterone is the evil hormone.
posted by HotToddy at 11:42 AM on December 8 [2 favorites]
Oh good lord, this is almost certainly your answer right here. Progesterone is the evil hormone.
posted by HotToddy at 11:42 AM on December 8 [2 favorites]
... step off the "here's what your life (and emotional state) is supposed to look like" train
I don't know if this is relevant to you, but giving up on trying to conform to everyone else's idea of who you should be is a great way to feel better about who you are. It's perfectly fine to just be OK and anyone that tells you they are happy and upbeat all the time is lying to you.
I don't know much about hormone therapies, but I'm in the group that thinks you are probably, understandably, tired. Tiredness can make the sunniest of people at least somewhat grumpy. This is just part of the package when you have young kids in my experience and that part gets better over time. If there's anything you could change there, it would be getting some help with some part of your life that's making you tired.
posted by dg at 5:48 PM on December 8 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this is relevant to you, but giving up on trying to conform to everyone else's idea of who you should be is a great way to feel better about who you are. It's perfectly fine to just be OK and anyone that tells you they are happy and upbeat all the time is lying to you.
I don't know much about hormone therapies, but I'm in the group that thinks you are probably, understandably, tired. Tiredness can make the sunniest of people at least somewhat grumpy. This is just part of the package when you have young kids in my experience and that part gets better over time. If there's anything you could change there, it would be getting some help with some part of your life that's making you tired.
posted by dg at 5:48 PM on December 8 [1 favorite]
My husband calls himself “a professional wet blanket”. He just sees the problems with things.
Apparently there’s some waitress in LA who has met all the celebrities and doesn’t give a shit that they’re famous and they love her for it. The go there to be treated normal.
America seems to want everyone to be extroverted bundles of sunshine but who says that’s the way we have to be.
If you’re miserable that’s one thing. If you’re just not impressed by much, that’s something else.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:38 PM on December 8 [2 favorites]
Apparently there’s some waitress in LA who has met all the celebrities and doesn’t give a shit that they’re famous and they love her for it. The go there to be treated normal.
America seems to want everyone to be extroverted bundles of sunshine but who says that’s the way we have to be.
If you’re miserable that’s one thing. If you’re just not impressed by much, that’s something else.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:38 PM on December 8 [2 favorites]
FWIW: adult ADHD is only recently (late 90’s) been considered a “thing”, and well, like most medicine, men have been studied far more than women. Beyond that ADHD has long been considered a mostly “male” disorder. So, end result: adult adhd is substantially under diagnosed, and way more so for women.
All that said, SSRIs have literally the exact opposite of the intended effect on the ADHD brain. Wellbutrin is often prescribed off-label for ADHD, but is not as effective as ADHD specific meds.
Apologies if you’ve heard this before, or it’s not of value.
posted by Freen at 6:35 PM on December 12
All that said, SSRIs have literally the exact opposite of the intended effect on the ADHD brain. Wellbutrin is often prescribed off-label for ADHD, but is not as effective as ADHD specific meds.
Apologies if you’ve heard this before, or it’s not of value.
posted by Freen at 6:35 PM on December 12
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I have an aspect that is curmudgeonly. There are times when it comes out inappropriately, and there are other times when a curmudgeon is exactly what is called for. That works for me.
I have other unpleasant (as well as many pleasant) aspects that come out to play. Accepting the bad parts as well as the good is the main focus I’ve pursued in therapy, and it has been a very fruitful process.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:45 AM on December 7 [6 favorites]