Living is hard
June 21, 2018 10:01 AM Subscribe
My childhood included abuse, neglect, loneliness, and loss. As a result, I have issues with patience and warmth. I can be sarcastic, detached, and brusque. I actively work to be softer and more patient when dealing with people, and the cumulative effect is exhausting. I’m also an introvert. Basically, just being normal in the world every day feels like work. Does this sound like you?
The above is a description of my boyfriend. He has many amazing qualities and can be wonderfully warm and loving, but that is not his baseline. His baseline/default mood is cool/mildly irritated. I believe that interacting with others (including me) often feels like work for him. Life has left him with some scars, and this is one of them. For anyone who is/was like this are, what does it feel like? Can it change? And if so how?
The above is a description of my boyfriend. He has many amazing qualities and can be wonderfully warm and loving, but that is not his baseline. His baseline/default mood is cool/mildly irritated. I believe that interacting with others (including me) often feels like work for him. Life has left him with some scars, and this is one of them. For anyone who is/was like this are, what does it feel like? Can it change? And if so how?
I don't have the same background but for other reasons have many of the same problems. For me it's a combination of sensory issues and social anxiety that does it, but I often find other people to be extremely irritating and would rather they just go away. Alcohol helps a lot and I actively monitor my consumption so I don't rely on it too much. The feeling itself is kind of like what happens when you talk to a young child or someone who only partially speaks English, it's like you need to translate everything manually and you never settle into a proper rhythm. The exhaustion is very real, and it makes me feel very self conscious when I it happens because I know it's a "stupid" feeling that other people don't have. I often need to "recharge" after socializing a lot, and games or reading are usually what I use.
One thing I'm working on now is meditation, which is also about treating my anxiety (I'm also on antidepressants but that isn't really relevant specifically). Primarily I've been working on mindfulness meditation using The Mind Illuminated as my primary guide, which I like because it's very non-mystical. I'm also trying to weave in Metta/Loving-Kindness meditation, which is more specifically about trying to work with the problems you discuss. Anyway it's still early for me but it's definitely helping me get over some of my irritation problems. But, it can be risky emotionally because it brings up a lot of stuff I have suppressed so someone trying it may need access to a therapist.
I'm glad that you've already realized that his problems aren't really caused by you, and that you can identify when he is exhausted from interacting with the world. One of the worst things for me personally is when someone doesn't realize this and tries to get me to "push through" and be social when I'm overwhelmed, I've had several panic attacks in those situations. But, when I am NOT overwhelmed I appreciate it when people give me mild pressure to get out and do things. It's kind of a fine line that I don't always identify for myself, but I haven't had a social panic attack in like 3 years so I guess it's working better.
posted by JZig at 10:46 AM on June 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
One thing I'm working on now is meditation, which is also about treating my anxiety (I'm also on antidepressants but that isn't really relevant specifically). Primarily I've been working on mindfulness meditation using The Mind Illuminated as my primary guide, which I like because it's very non-mystical. I'm also trying to weave in Metta/Loving-Kindness meditation, which is more specifically about trying to work with the problems you discuss. Anyway it's still early for me but it's definitely helping me get over some of my irritation problems. But, it can be risky emotionally because it brings up a lot of stuff I have suppressed so someone trying it may need access to a therapist.
I'm glad that you've already realized that his problems aren't really caused by you, and that you can identify when he is exhausted from interacting with the world. One of the worst things for me personally is when someone doesn't realize this and tries to get me to "push through" and be social when I'm overwhelmed, I've had several panic attacks in those situations. But, when I am NOT overwhelmed I appreciate it when people give me mild pressure to get out and do things. It's kind of a fine line that I don't always identify for myself, but I haven't had a social panic attack in like 3 years so I guess it's working better.
posted by JZig at 10:46 AM on June 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Swap around a few of the specifics, and yes, that sounds like me and most of my loved ones - enough that my initial response is "wait.... isn't that EVERYONE?" and then I have to remember that my type of folks tend to flock together. Which may explain why I don't know how to explain what it feels like, because it just feels like....existing. I don't know what it would feel like to be not like this, so it's hard to pin down what it is that needs explaining. I wish I had a clearer answer to give!
I don't know how to change it, in the sense that I would somehow become a fundamentally different person with a different baseline. That said, over the years I've gained a certain amount of self-awareness through both therapy and self-observation about what factors can make it easier or harder for me to be the warmer/kinder/less-irritated version of myself, and your partner probably has some of these, too. Maybe certain people or types of interactions leave him prickly. Maybe his entire life feels a bit easier when he's sleeping well, or in a lower-stress period at work/school, or when he's making sure to carve-out chunks of time for himself and doesn't have to be "on" all the time. If he can identify some of those patterns, it might be possible to tilt his baseline a bit further along the warmth end of the spectrum if that's something he wants. Which it may not be. I don't really feel like my baseline is something deficient that needs to be corrected or changed. It does mean that some friends are not good friends for me, some partners not good partners for me, but that's okay, I've selected for those who are.
If I had to pick the number one thing I can do for myself to get me out of my prickliest mode, it's making sure I am getting enough time on my own, without even my beloved partner around. Alone time is the most restorative thing possible for me, and it makes all my other interactions feel less difficult. (I just came back from a week's solo vacation and I am about as patient and connected and warm right now as I will ever be. ) Medication and therapy for the portions of How I Am that are about anxiety/depression/trauma have been helpful as well but they haven't fundamentally changed anything about who I am, vs. helping me cope better with some specific prickliness-inducing things.
posted by Stacey at 10:49 AM on June 21, 2018 [9 favorites]
I don't know how to change it, in the sense that I would somehow become a fundamentally different person with a different baseline. That said, over the years I've gained a certain amount of self-awareness through both therapy and self-observation about what factors can make it easier or harder for me to be the warmer/kinder/less-irritated version of myself, and your partner probably has some of these, too. Maybe certain people or types of interactions leave him prickly. Maybe his entire life feels a bit easier when he's sleeping well, or in a lower-stress period at work/school, or when he's making sure to carve-out chunks of time for himself and doesn't have to be "on" all the time. If he can identify some of those patterns, it might be possible to tilt his baseline a bit further along the warmth end of the spectrum if that's something he wants. Which it may not be. I don't really feel like my baseline is something deficient that needs to be corrected or changed. It does mean that some friends are not good friends for me, some partners not good partners for me, but that's okay, I've selected for those who are.
If I had to pick the number one thing I can do for myself to get me out of my prickliest mode, it's making sure I am getting enough time on my own, without even my beloved partner around. Alone time is the most restorative thing possible for me, and it makes all my other interactions feel less difficult. (I just came back from a week's solo vacation and I am about as patient and connected and warm right now as I will ever be. ) Medication and therapy for the portions of How I Am that are about anxiety/depression/trauma have been helpful as well but they haven't fundamentally changed anything about who I am, vs. helping me cope better with some specific prickliness-inducing things.
posted by Stacey at 10:49 AM on June 21, 2018 [9 favorites]
I can be sarcastic, detached, and brusque. I actively work to be softer and more patient when dealing with people, and the cumulative effect is exhausting. I’m also an introvert. Basically, just being normal in the world every day feels like work.
it sounds like me. and my boyfriend. we like each other because of those mindset/mood similarities. we don't have to "fake it" around each other. and after time and communication we understand that moodiness or snappiness is not a commentary on the relationship or the other person. to outsiders, there are certainly some shortcomings to our relationship, but it works for us.
all that to say, does your bf want to change, or do you want him to change? how long have you been together? does he get enough alone time to recharge? does it bother you he wants/needs alone time?
"being this way" doesn't feel like anything, it's just how i am. i know that i would get along easier in life if i weren't brusque and sarcastic, but i'd rather just be around people who mostly like me as i am and put on that mask at job interviews or whatever.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:02 AM on June 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
it sounds like me. and my boyfriend. we like each other because of those mindset/mood similarities. we don't have to "fake it" around each other. and after time and communication we understand that moodiness or snappiness is not a commentary on the relationship or the other person. to outsiders, there are certainly some shortcomings to our relationship, but it works for us.
all that to say, does your bf want to change, or do you want him to change? how long have you been together? does he get enough alone time to recharge? does it bother you he wants/needs alone time?
"being this way" doesn't feel like anything, it's just how i am. i know that i would get along easier in life if i weren't brusque and sarcastic, but i'd rather just be around people who mostly like me as i am and put on that mask at job interviews or whatever.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:02 AM on June 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
Abuse, emotional neglect, loneliness, check, check, check. Also add in violence and an alcoholic parent. I had a hard time being close and letting things just be. I was often moody, sarcastic, distant, and irritated. I've come a long way and those behaviors can always creep up again if you let them. It's an ongoing learning process but here is what I've learned and experienced.
1. I could be mean, demanding, and irritated to my loved ones. My husband told me that sometimes I can have no regard for his feelings. Since I had a crappy upbringing, my emotional needs for love, acceptance, and nurturing weren't met. I probably expected my partner to heal me in some way and when he didn't I got pissed off. I had expectations for him to read my mind or behave in ways that would "show love". I would get irritated when he was lounging on the couch. I equated that with laziness and if he "cared" he would do things around the house to make me happy. In our earlier years of marriage I would sometimes nitpick his behavior and personality and it all came down to me feeling less than. Keep telling your boyfriend that when he behaves this way it makes you feel bad. Point it out to him. Don't let him get away with it so to speak.
2. Sometimes I was moody because I didn't think I deserved love. Or, I created this weird story in my head that everyone was out to get me, or others were shallow or dumb, or they didn't appreciate or notice me. I had times where I found fault with everyone and thought I was superior. It was a way of creating a wall to protect myself. Vulnerability is difficult.
3. Moodiness and constant irritation comes from emotional immaturity. In adulthood a lot of my behavior was childlike and angry. I didn't have the normal circumstances to grow and develop into a mature adult at the appropriate milestones. I didn't know what to do with my feelings. I was stuck in victimhood and shame.
4. Since I was critical of myself, I was critical of others.
5. Healing came when I couldn't take being angry, moody, and irritated. I did lots of therapy. I read a lot. I did a lot of introspection. I practiced a lot of self-care and still do. When self-care slips, I can revert to old behaviors.
6. Relationships can be healing. My partner is wonderful for putting up with a lot of my bullshit AND not tolerating a lot of my bullshit. He doesn't blow smoke and try to soothe what should be soothed on my own. He doesn't make it his responsibility to fix my mood. He tells me flat out when I'm being ridiculous. Marriage and coupledom is supposed to be a nurturing. We are supposed to nurture and love each other and even soothe and build up, we aren't supposed to tiptoe around moodiness or tolerate immaturity.
Advice:
Just because your boyfriend had crappy upbringing doesn't mean he gets to be moody and constantly irritated with you and others. He can continue behaving this way if he wants to alienate people and lose relationships. If he doesn't want to get help or try harder or do any kind of self-examination, ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. It sucks if there is no effort to heal. It's almost like you're living with a moody kid. There's only one adult in the relationship.
posted by loveandhappiness at 11:08 AM on June 21, 2018 [19 favorites]
1. I could be mean, demanding, and irritated to my loved ones. My husband told me that sometimes I can have no regard for his feelings. Since I had a crappy upbringing, my emotional needs for love, acceptance, and nurturing weren't met. I probably expected my partner to heal me in some way and when he didn't I got pissed off. I had expectations for him to read my mind or behave in ways that would "show love". I would get irritated when he was lounging on the couch. I equated that with laziness and if he "cared" he would do things around the house to make me happy. In our earlier years of marriage I would sometimes nitpick his behavior and personality and it all came down to me feeling less than. Keep telling your boyfriend that when he behaves this way it makes you feel bad. Point it out to him. Don't let him get away with it so to speak.
2. Sometimes I was moody because I didn't think I deserved love. Or, I created this weird story in my head that everyone was out to get me, or others were shallow or dumb, or they didn't appreciate or notice me. I had times where I found fault with everyone and thought I was superior. It was a way of creating a wall to protect myself. Vulnerability is difficult.
3. Moodiness and constant irritation comes from emotional immaturity. In adulthood a lot of my behavior was childlike and angry. I didn't have the normal circumstances to grow and develop into a mature adult at the appropriate milestones. I didn't know what to do with my feelings. I was stuck in victimhood and shame.
4. Since I was critical of myself, I was critical of others.
5. Healing came when I couldn't take being angry, moody, and irritated. I did lots of therapy. I read a lot. I did a lot of introspection. I practiced a lot of self-care and still do. When self-care slips, I can revert to old behaviors.
6. Relationships can be healing. My partner is wonderful for putting up with a lot of my bullshit AND not tolerating a lot of my bullshit. He doesn't blow smoke and try to soothe what should be soothed on my own. He doesn't make it his responsibility to fix my mood. He tells me flat out when I'm being ridiculous. Marriage and coupledom is supposed to be a nurturing. We are supposed to nurture and love each other and even soothe and build up, we aren't supposed to tiptoe around moodiness or tolerate immaturity.
Advice:
Just because your boyfriend had crappy upbringing doesn't mean he gets to be moody and constantly irritated with you and others. He can continue behaving this way if he wants to alienate people and lose relationships. If he doesn't want to get help or try harder or do any kind of self-examination, ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. It sucks if there is no effort to heal. It's almost like you're living with a moody kid. There's only one adult in the relationship.
posted by loveandhappiness at 11:08 AM on June 21, 2018 [19 favorites]
Nthing that alone time is restorative. Yes, without anyone at all. It's not because I don't love my family, it's because trying to operate in way other humans understand is exhausting and I need to recuperate a bit before I can be the kind of person they deserve. I often sit in my car after work for a bit just to be 100% alone so I can rest up inbetween work and trying to deal with dinner time.
I've been known to bail on family gatherings for an hour or so and hide out in a quiet corner of the house. This was an adjustment for everyone, but the alternative is for me to become increasingly odd, blunt and upset as I run out of the resources I need to interact with people until finally I literally run away.
It's kind of like exercise. At a certain point, you simply run out of energy and need to stop for your health and safety, and the health of anyone in the same exercise group / swimming pool / etc.
With hard work, you can increase the length of time you can exercise. But it's never going to be all day every day, and you're never really going to enjoy the process, and also you have other things that need your time and attention. Some people do love exercise, and these people seem like aliens from the crazy planet, and interacting with them is extremely difficult because they keep talking about their bodybuilding routine. Most people recognize that exercising is difficult, but never seem to have the trouble you do with it.
Nothing excuses treating someone badly or being rude to a loved one. I put in a lot of work to not be rude or terse with people. But sometimes part of that work is recognizing when I need to leave and locking myself in the attic for an hour or two so I can stop spending the deliberate effort that human interaction takes.
If your boyfriend is treating you badly, that is not acceptable. No personality quirk or history excuses being insulting or angry or rude. He should be loving and caring and treat you right. But if the issue is that sometimes he needs to be alone and you don't quite understand that...well, sometimes he needs to be alone. Both of you should be working hard to fully meet each of your needs.
posted by Ahniya at 11:09 AM on June 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
I've been known to bail on family gatherings for an hour or so and hide out in a quiet corner of the house. This was an adjustment for everyone, but the alternative is for me to become increasingly odd, blunt and upset as I run out of the resources I need to interact with people until finally I literally run away.
It's kind of like exercise. At a certain point, you simply run out of energy and need to stop for your health and safety, and the health of anyone in the same exercise group / swimming pool / etc.
With hard work, you can increase the length of time you can exercise. But it's never going to be all day every day, and you're never really going to enjoy the process, and also you have other things that need your time and attention. Some people do love exercise, and these people seem like aliens from the crazy planet, and interacting with them is extremely difficult because they keep talking about their bodybuilding routine. Most people recognize that exercising is difficult, but never seem to have the trouble you do with it.
Nothing excuses treating someone badly or being rude to a loved one. I put in a lot of work to not be rude or terse with people. But sometimes part of that work is recognizing when I need to leave and locking myself in the attic for an hour or two so I can stop spending the deliberate effort that human interaction takes.
If your boyfriend is treating you badly, that is not acceptable. No personality quirk or history excuses being insulting or angry or rude. He should be loving and caring and treat you right. But if the issue is that sometimes he needs to be alone and you don't quite understand that...well, sometimes he needs to be alone. Both of you should be working hard to fully meet each of your needs.
posted by Ahniya at 11:09 AM on June 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
I can be sarcastic, detached, and brusque. I actively work to be softer and more patient when dealing with people, and the cumulative effect is exhausting. I’m also an introvert. Basically, just being normal in the world every day feels like work.
Yes! Only I am only sort of an introvert. I genuinely like social interacting but I need to carefully moderate it because I can all of the sudden hit a wall and then every damned thing is just overstimulating. So for me it's sensory stuff (probably) and also a lot of hypervigilance stuff where I feel responsible for much more than anyone but me reasonably feels I am responsible for. I am with a partner who is my opposite (we do not live together). He is an affable agreeable slightly lazy (his word!) dude who is mostly content to just go along with whatever.
So for me, yeah like others, the big deal is taking care of myself, therapy and sometimes meds, and realizing that my emotions are one thing that I may not really be able to control but my behaviors are usually in my control. I meditate daily and try to get some exercise, all the self-care things. That said it's important that i do what Ahniya says above, and control my behavior sometimes to leave the room, not just be clipped and weird with someone who doesn't understand why all of the sudden I am like NO DO NOT HOLD MY HAND. Sarcasm is a choice. You both can work on meeting each other partway.
posted by jessamyn at 11:20 AM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yes! Only I am only sort of an introvert. I genuinely like social interacting but I need to carefully moderate it because I can all of the sudden hit a wall and then every damned thing is just overstimulating. So for me it's sensory stuff (probably) and also a lot of hypervigilance stuff where I feel responsible for much more than anyone but me reasonably feels I am responsible for. I am with a partner who is my opposite (we do not live together). He is an affable agreeable slightly lazy (his word!) dude who is mostly content to just go along with whatever.
So for me, yeah like others, the big deal is taking care of myself, therapy and sometimes meds, and realizing that my emotions are one thing that I may not really be able to control but my behaviors are usually in my control. I meditate daily and try to get some exercise, all the self-care things. That said it's important that i do what Ahniya says above, and control my behavior sometimes to leave the room, not just be clipped and weird with someone who doesn't understand why all of the sudden I am like NO DO NOT HOLD MY HAND. Sarcasm is a choice. You both can work on meeting each other partway.
posted by jessamyn at 11:20 AM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
For anyone who is/was like this are, what does it feel like? Can it change? And if so how?
This is a hard question because I would have different things to say to you and your boyfriend. I definitely have the abuse background and while I'm not sure my presets are all similar, there certainly was a time in my life that I lacked empathy and did not treat others the way I would today.
For you I would say - make sure you build his need for down time (away from people, being exhausted from interacting with them) into your shared life in a sustainable way.
As an example, my husband is a fairly extreme introvert. I have specifically built friendships and expectations with our social circle that I will show up to 70-80% of our activities alone, and that it's not that he doesn't like them or people, it's that he burns out on group activities. So a typical weekend for us might include one social activity for me + our kids, and he gets that time as downtime. A typical weeknight assumes that he will be home, which is nice if I have things I want to do. I limit my entertaining at home to about once a week maximum unless it's with people who are fine with him remaining downstairs (some of my friends are great at this.)
For you also I would say, once he has built-in time to replenish his energies, hold him to a high standard for his conduct with you. In other words, him saying "I really need to go recharge" or being in his introvert paradise from 8-10pm every night is fine. Him snapping at you because he's burnt out should be very rare.
For him I would say good, expert therapy is the best, because it is exhausting to live in an adrenaline-filled state around other people.
Setting boundaries is also a big skill to acquire whether via therapy or other means, because when you can be sure that you can say no, sometimes it gets much easier to say yes. That includes being selective about who is in your "inner circle."
It's also important to develop a very strong sense of when he's about to get snippy or burn out - with enough time to act first. That's both ethical, but it also gives him a chance to really feel out where things are exhausting and change those things, over time.
And finally...I agree that developing a sense of "all rightness" with people in general is really hard work and not really necessary if you can control your actions. But it can be really worth it. Read compassionately, seek the good in people, etc. I recommend Jean Vanier's Becoming Human too often but that's a good one, also works by people like Pema Chodron, Brene Brown, etc.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:32 AM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is a hard question because I would have different things to say to you and your boyfriend. I definitely have the abuse background and while I'm not sure my presets are all similar, there certainly was a time in my life that I lacked empathy and did not treat others the way I would today.
For you I would say - make sure you build his need for down time (away from people, being exhausted from interacting with them) into your shared life in a sustainable way.
As an example, my husband is a fairly extreme introvert. I have specifically built friendships and expectations with our social circle that I will show up to 70-80% of our activities alone, and that it's not that he doesn't like them or people, it's that he burns out on group activities. So a typical weekend for us might include one social activity for me + our kids, and he gets that time as downtime. A typical weeknight assumes that he will be home, which is nice if I have things I want to do. I limit my entertaining at home to about once a week maximum unless it's with people who are fine with him remaining downstairs (some of my friends are great at this.)
For you also I would say, once he has built-in time to replenish his energies, hold him to a high standard for his conduct with you. In other words, him saying "I really need to go recharge" or being in his introvert paradise from 8-10pm every night is fine. Him snapping at you because he's burnt out should be very rare.
For him I would say good, expert therapy is the best, because it is exhausting to live in an adrenaline-filled state around other people.
Setting boundaries is also a big skill to acquire whether via therapy or other means, because when you can be sure that you can say no, sometimes it gets much easier to say yes. That includes being selective about who is in your "inner circle."
It's also important to develop a very strong sense of when he's about to get snippy or burn out - with enough time to act first. That's both ethical, but it also gives him a chance to really feel out where things are exhausting and change those things, over time.
And finally...I agree that developing a sense of "all rightness" with people in general is really hard work and not really necessary if you can control your actions. But it can be really worth it. Read compassionately, seek the good in people, etc. I recommend Jean Vanier's Becoming Human too often but that's a good one, also works by people like Pema Chodron, Brene Brown, etc.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:32 AM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I hate to say "he has to want to change," but he really kind of does. Either of two paths: (1) self-awareness to realize that it's exhausting and miserable to live in a zone of perpetual irritability or (2) awareness of others sufficient to force him to realize that he's hurting people he doesn't want to hurt. Meds for depression or anxiety can often help promote a state of mind where it's easier to think about these things (irritability is often just covert anxiety), but they can't do all the work. Many people also can benefit from therapy or meditation, to get more tools to accomplish what they already want to accomplish.
(I also want to say--not that I am assuming you're doing this, but if you are coddling, hand-holding, tolerating crappy behavior, and/or shielding him from the consequences of his actions socially, you are making it possible for him (especially a him) to avoid confronting (2). And it's no good for you personally, either. Do not waste your time facilitating the life of someone who is not interested in trying to change. Even if he does have a traumatic background. Literally millions of women have done this, and spend their lives apologizing for their husbands. It's no way to live.)
posted by praemunire at 11:39 AM on June 21, 2018
(I also want to say--not that I am assuming you're doing this, but if you are coddling, hand-holding, tolerating crappy behavior, and/or shielding him from the consequences of his actions socially, you are making it possible for him (especially a him) to avoid confronting (2). And it's no good for you personally, either. Do not waste your time facilitating the life of someone who is not interested in trying to change. Even if he does have a traumatic background. Literally millions of women have done this, and spend their lives apologizing for their husbands. It's no way to live.)
posted by praemunire at 11:39 AM on June 21, 2018
Seconding a spiritual practice. The Mind Illuminated referenced above is a favorite of many rational people. It isn't right for everyone. Could start with an MBSR course to see how it resonates, maybe, but if he thinks he's really seeking insight, maybe find a teacher to align with. I always recommend Falling Into Grace: Insights on the End of Suffering by Adyashanti, who is absolutely the real deal.
posted by namesarehard at 11:43 AM on June 21, 2018
posted by namesarehard at 11:43 AM on June 21, 2018
I fit this description of behaviors. It doesn't feel good, but sometimes it's hard to know why I feel this way until I've had time to reflect later. For me it is feeling awkward and then irritated at myself because I can't verbally communicate as well as I'd prefer. Then I feel like a chump and that nobody likes me, so I hate everyone back...if I let myself go down that road.
Counseling helps.
I think the trick is to deal with it before getting to the snapping point, it's like a maintenance med. Awareness and self-care can go a long way. I make sure I've got a LOT of time alone (and that's OK, not weird) and meditation, exercise, and walking amongst nature helps me. Perhaps he can find some activities that put him back on track and practice them regularly. Best of luck!
posted by haunted by Leonard Cohen at 11:53 AM on June 21, 2018
Counseling helps.
I think the trick is to deal with it before getting to the snapping point, it's like a maintenance med. Awareness and self-care can go a long way. I make sure I've got a LOT of time alone (and that's OK, not weird) and meditation, exercise, and walking amongst nature helps me. Perhaps he can find some activities that put him back on track and practice them regularly. Best of luck!
posted by haunted by Leonard Cohen at 11:53 AM on June 21, 2018
Please take the following in the kindest of ways. It is perhaps blunt, but it is fully honest and I am genuinely trying to offer up another perspective, so please take it in as purely informative without an emotional tone or slant to it.
He has many amazing qualities and can be wonderfully warm and loving,
This could be me, as decribed/observed by many other people over my life.
but that is not his baseline. His baseline/default mood is cool/mildly irritated.
This could also be me, as decribed/observed by many other people over my life.
I believe that interacting with others (including me) often feels like work for him.
For anyone who is/was like this are, what does it feel like? Can it change? And if so how?
The difference between the two is....
With the first camp of people, interacting with them is work for me, because they want my default/baseline to change for/to them, because they take it personally somehow perhaps? Or feel responsible for it somehow, try to analyze it and put/find meaning or cause into it that's just not there, and expect me to manage and change THEIR feelings around it all in addition to my own. They don't accept a full spectrum of moods and states and being in others without judgment. They want me to change. They try to get me to change. They try to manipulate either my or their own behaviour to change my moods or state. They are hyperaware of me and my moods and states. I am constantly being monitored, assessed and observed for miniscule shifts and changes. I am not certain, but I believe/feel these people are quite anxious, or maybe insecure, and seek validation on some level by the "approval" of rating anothers mood in their presence. This is exhausting. This is work. This is hard. I am cool towards these people. I do find it all very irritating. They are very high maintenance emotionally, and I need more downtime/alonetime to recharge away from them. My baseline with them is more towards the first description.
With the second camp of people, they don't make interacting with them work. They don't worry about or focus on my moods as a reflection of their own company in mine, and they don't try to micromanage or evaluate my mood or demeanor, because they're either focused on their own, or on just enjoying my company/presence/time with me or in the same space. I don't have to be hyperaware of my own presentation constantly, hyperaware of theirs constantly, and hyperaware of how they might be perceiving it and taking it as a reflection of them or their interactions with me personally. They dont judge feelings and moods as good or bad in general, good or bad in nature or intent, good or bad as an analysis or cause or label it from from arbitrary past events/damages/baggage in my life. They can simply exist in the same space without a constant dragging weight of emotional critique and management between the two of us. They accept me for me, and I for them. They don't want or expect me to change. This is calming. This is soothing. This is relaxing. This is just being myself and being present and in the moment with another human being period. This camp of people I greatly appreciate because they don't make interactions work, they don't make life feel hard, and so my baseline towards/with them automatically shifts more towards one that is warm and loving.
But still, not always, I am after all, just like yourself and your boyfriend, just a human being, not a performance.
I would recommend trying your focus on yourself, when you are feeling negative emotions or in a negative mental state, you're likely to also focus on others negative qualities, and create a negative atmosphere of stress or poor quality interactions. When you are feeling this way, or in this state of mind yourself, or observing this in another, remove yourself until you can recenter and shift yourself back upwards.
When you are feeling positively or in a positive state of mind, inteact in a positive way focusing again on yourself regardless of what you may think the other is feeling or thinking. When you notice that your boyfriend is in a positive mood or mindset, make sure you also respond to this with your own positive interactions. This is an immediate way to make a change and the only way to make the change. If you can do this consistently, and don't notice a major shift in your relationship and interactions, then maybe yes, your boyfriend does have a problem, but that is his problem to deal with not yours, and you may then decide perhaps that you are ultimately incompatible, or that you may enjoy a relationship with someone else a lot more.
posted by OnefortheLast at 3:18 PM on June 21, 2018 [10 favorites]
He has many amazing qualities and can be wonderfully warm and loving,
This could be me, as decribed/observed by many other people over my life.
but that is not his baseline. His baseline/default mood is cool/mildly irritated.
This could also be me, as decribed/observed by many other people over my life.
I believe that interacting with others (including me) often feels like work for him.
For anyone who is/was like this are, what does it feel like? Can it change? And if so how?
The difference between the two is....
With the first camp of people, interacting with them is work for me, because they want my default/baseline to change for/to them, because they take it personally somehow perhaps? Or feel responsible for it somehow, try to analyze it and put/find meaning or cause into it that's just not there, and expect me to manage and change THEIR feelings around it all in addition to my own. They don't accept a full spectrum of moods and states and being in others without judgment. They want me to change. They try to get me to change. They try to manipulate either my or their own behaviour to change my moods or state. They are hyperaware of me and my moods and states. I am constantly being monitored, assessed and observed for miniscule shifts and changes. I am not certain, but I believe/feel these people are quite anxious, or maybe insecure, and seek validation on some level by the "approval" of rating anothers mood in their presence. This is exhausting. This is work. This is hard. I am cool towards these people. I do find it all very irritating. They are very high maintenance emotionally, and I need more downtime/alonetime to recharge away from them. My baseline with them is more towards the first description.
With the second camp of people, they don't make interacting with them work. They don't worry about or focus on my moods as a reflection of their own company in mine, and they don't try to micromanage or evaluate my mood or demeanor, because they're either focused on their own, or on just enjoying my company/presence/time with me or in the same space. I don't have to be hyperaware of my own presentation constantly, hyperaware of theirs constantly, and hyperaware of how they might be perceiving it and taking it as a reflection of them or their interactions with me personally. They dont judge feelings and moods as good or bad in general, good or bad in nature or intent, good or bad as an analysis or cause or label it from from arbitrary past events/damages/baggage in my life. They can simply exist in the same space without a constant dragging weight of emotional critique and management between the two of us. They accept me for me, and I for them. They don't want or expect me to change. This is calming. This is soothing. This is relaxing. This is just being myself and being present and in the moment with another human being period. This camp of people I greatly appreciate because they don't make interactions work, they don't make life feel hard, and so my baseline towards/with them automatically shifts more towards one that is warm and loving.
But still, not always, I am after all, just like yourself and your boyfriend, just a human being, not a performance.
I would recommend trying your focus on yourself, when you are feeling negative emotions or in a negative mental state, you're likely to also focus on others negative qualities, and create a negative atmosphere of stress or poor quality interactions. When you are feeling this way, or in this state of mind yourself, or observing this in another, remove yourself until you can recenter and shift yourself back upwards.
When you are feeling positively or in a positive state of mind, inteact in a positive way focusing again on yourself regardless of what you may think the other is feeling or thinking. When you notice that your boyfriend is in a positive mood or mindset, make sure you also respond to this with your own positive interactions. This is an immediate way to make a change and the only way to make the change. If you can do this consistently, and don't notice a major shift in your relationship and interactions, then maybe yes, your boyfriend does have a problem, but that is his problem to deal with not yours, and you may then decide perhaps that you are ultimately incompatible, or that you may enjoy a relationship with someone else a lot more.
posted by OnefortheLast at 3:18 PM on June 21, 2018 [10 favorites]
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I strongly suspect future replies will be more helpful, but I just happened to be the first reply.
posted by forthright at 10:41 AM on June 21, 2018 [1 favorite]