Infertility Filter: How did you decide to stop trying?
December 3, 2024 10:40 AM Subscribe
If you are childless not by choice -- if you actively tried to get pregnant for some amount of time and it didn't happen, and especially if you got no clear diagnosis of a cause for infertility, this question is for you. How did you go from trying to having tried? What did that process look like for you and how did you cope with it? Both practical and emotional "how"s would be very much appreciated.
I've been trying to get pregnant (with my husband) since spring 2022, with a five-month-ish break somewhere in the middle there when I needed to get my mind off constantly wondering whether I was gonna be pregnant this month or not. I have not conceived at all and am starting to get to the point where I feel like a miscarriage would be easier because at least it would be something. (I am aware this is crazy talk, but just, that's where I'm at.)
I'm 34 years old. I had one ectopic pregnancy five years ago while taking birth control and lost the Fallopian tube in emergency surgery so I do understand I'm working with at best 50% of what my fertility would otherwise have been. After a year of trying I had some bloodwork and a transvaginal ultrasound and my husband had his sperm tested and all the results were ordinary/good, with the obvious exception of my missing tube. I have some chronic health conditions but they're all the nebulous kind where medical science has no mechanistic explanation for how they might interact with fertility (hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, Celiac disease, fibromyalgia which is really just another term for the EDS symptoms in my case).
I'm starting to get fatalistic about the idea of ever getting pregnant. I know it's still early to call it, and I don't intend to stop trying yet, but I feel the need to consider it as a real future possibility.
Please assume for the purposes of this question that IVF/IUI and adoption are irrelevant.
I'm totally daunted about pursuing further testing/medical supervision because I'm a non-British person residing in the UK and the NHS is kind of a massive mess and also we might be moving back to Canada soon. I guess hard practical advice on that would be good, but mostly what I want to know is:
When did you stop trying? How did you make that decision? How did it feel? How did you cope with closing that door instead of keeping it open indefinitely? How did you stay committed to your decision, or did you waver? Or did you leave the door open until menopause, and if so how did you not go insane? Is it crazy to want to draw a line somewhere and say there, we tried, even without a diagnosis?
I am fortunate enough to know older people who are childless by choice, and to know people who struggled with infertility and one way or another ended up with wonderful children. But I don't know anyone who has tried and, for lack of a better word, failed to become a parent. I really need to hear from the perspectives of some people who have been through that arc.
I've been trying to get pregnant (with my husband) since spring 2022, with a five-month-ish break somewhere in the middle there when I needed to get my mind off constantly wondering whether I was gonna be pregnant this month or not. I have not conceived at all and am starting to get to the point where I feel like a miscarriage would be easier because at least it would be something. (I am aware this is crazy talk, but just, that's where I'm at.)
I'm 34 years old. I had one ectopic pregnancy five years ago while taking birth control and lost the Fallopian tube in emergency surgery so I do understand I'm working with at best 50% of what my fertility would otherwise have been. After a year of trying I had some bloodwork and a transvaginal ultrasound and my husband had his sperm tested and all the results were ordinary/good, with the obvious exception of my missing tube. I have some chronic health conditions but they're all the nebulous kind where medical science has no mechanistic explanation for how they might interact with fertility (hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, Celiac disease, fibromyalgia which is really just another term for the EDS symptoms in my case).
I'm starting to get fatalistic about the idea of ever getting pregnant. I know it's still early to call it, and I don't intend to stop trying yet, but I feel the need to consider it as a real future possibility.
Please assume for the purposes of this question that IVF/IUI and adoption are irrelevant.
I'm totally daunted about pursuing further testing/medical supervision because I'm a non-British person residing in the UK and the NHS is kind of a massive mess and also we might be moving back to Canada soon. I guess hard practical advice on that would be good, but mostly what I want to know is:
When did you stop trying? How did you make that decision? How did it feel? How did you cope with closing that door instead of keeping it open indefinitely? How did you stay committed to your decision, or did you waver? Or did you leave the door open until menopause, and if so how did you not go insane? Is it crazy to want to draw a line somewhere and say there, we tried, even without a diagnosis?
I am fortunate enough to know older people who are childless by choice, and to know people who struggled with infertility and one way or another ended up with wonderful children. But I don't know anyone who has tried and, for lack of a better word, failed to become a parent. I really need to hear from the perspectives of some people who have been through that arc.
Best answer: Well, that was me. Tried until the doctors made me stop. My issues were different-- I suffered a very late stillbirth/disaster pregnancy then and repeated nasty miscarriages with no clear reason and not a single abnormal test result at any time along the way.
I stopped because the doctor told me that the miscarriages were doing a huge number on my body and I knew they were doing a number on my head. So we stopped. Really too late-- I would recommend you not be me since I nearly broke myself in the journey. And it did break our marriage. One strong piece of advice I would give you is to sit down with your partner and start describing what your life together is like without kids. Visualize that as a happy future for yourselves. It's really important to know that you guys have a future without this and know it in more than an intellectual sense. You need to be on each other's side. One way to stop in time is to understand what you risk in terms of your relationship and other aspects of your future.
Also, you are not alone with infertility. I would recommend you find a support group where you can meet other women who have gone through it or who are going through it. This helped me very much at the time. There are a number of online forums and you might ask a local hospital if they can recommend a group.
Please remember medicine really doesn't know that much about pregnant ladies, for a whole variety of reasons. You may never get any test which is going to tell you what is wrong. In my case, it was obvious something was very wrong, but there was never a test which identified what it was. On paper, I should have been perfectly fine. It doesn't matter, because they don't know much about what can go wrong and most of what they do know, they cannot fix.
I'm not saying don't get further tests. I'm just saying don't rely on them to give you an out or an explanation.
I am really sorry. It sucks. And if you'll take a hug from this now old lady internet stranger, then I send you one.
posted by frumiousb at 11:05 AM on December 3, 2024 [39 favorites]
I stopped because the doctor told me that the miscarriages were doing a huge number on my body and I knew they were doing a number on my head. So we stopped. Really too late-- I would recommend you not be me since I nearly broke myself in the journey. And it did break our marriage. One strong piece of advice I would give you is to sit down with your partner and start describing what your life together is like without kids. Visualize that as a happy future for yourselves. It's really important to know that you guys have a future without this and know it in more than an intellectual sense. You need to be on each other's side. One way to stop in time is to understand what you risk in terms of your relationship and other aspects of your future.
Also, you are not alone with infertility. I would recommend you find a support group where you can meet other women who have gone through it or who are going through it. This helped me very much at the time. There are a number of online forums and you might ask a local hospital if they can recommend a group.
Please remember medicine really doesn't know that much about pregnant ladies, for a whole variety of reasons. You may never get any test which is going to tell you what is wrong. In my case, it was obvious something was very wrong, but there was never a test which identified what it was. On paper, I should have been perfectly fine. It doesn't matter, because they don't know much about what can go wrong and most of what they do know, they cannot fix.
I'm not saying don't get further tests. I'm just saying don't rely on them to give you an out or an explanation.
I am really sorry. It sucks. And if you'll take a hug from this now old lady internet stranger, then I send you one.
posted by frumiousb at 11:05 AM on December 3, 2024 [39 favorites]
I am so sorry you are going through this. It took me a long time to get pregnant and a longer time to stay pregnant successfully, so I understand some of what you are wrestling with, and it is hard. I found an online support group of women having similar experiences, and all of us universally liked this essay. There are multiple lives we envision for ourselves, but we only get to live one.
posted by notjustthefish at 12:00 PM on December 3, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by notjustthefish at 12:00 PM on December 3, 2024 [2 favorites]
I tried several times to become a single Mom by choice at age 35 and again at age 39. I'd always dreamed of having a kid, but never found the right partner. None of the tries were successful, possibly due to severe endometriosis.
Going in I knew that I could get way too invested in the process and from reading peoples experience I didn't want the process of trying to dominate my life. I told myself I'd try three time each time and stopped when I found myself getting to obsessive about it. At age 39 I knew I was getting too old and that it was going to be my last attempt. I told myself that it was like applying for colleges and having a kid would be my first choice and an early retirement would be my second choice. Just like not getting into my first choice college, not having the kid wouldn't be the end of the world, it would just be a different path in life. It hurts don't get me wrong, but I just focused on the positives of my current future and the might have beens have gotten less over time.
There are still times I wish I had had a kid, but then I caught long covid and my migraines went chronic and well it's been much easier being able to only focus on myself and healing and not having to worry about a toddler too.
posted by Art_Pot at 1:53 PM on December 3, 2024 [5 favorites]
Going in I knew that I could get way too invested in the process and from reading peoples experience I didn't want the process of trying to dominate my life. I told myself I'd try three time each time and stopped when I found myself getting to obsessive about it. At age 39 I knew I was getting too old and that it was going to be my last attempt. I told myself that it was like applying for colleges and having a kid would be my first choice and an early retirement would be my second choice. Just like not getting into my first choice college, not having the kid wouldn't be the end of the world, it would just be a different path in life. It hurts don't get me wrong, but I just focused on the positives of my current future and the might have beens have gotten less over time.
There are still times I wish I had had a kid, but then I caught long covid and my migraines went chronic and well it's been much easier being able to only focus on myself and healing and not having to worry about a toddler too.
posted by Art_Pot at 1:53 PM on December 3, 2024 [5 favorites]
A writer I know published a short story on this topic in The New Quarterly- it’s a beautiful story about that journey and if you MeMail me and are willing to share your email address I can send you a copy (it’s behind the paywall right now.)
posted by warriorqueen at 2:05 PM on December 3, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 2:05 PM on December 3, 2024 [2 favorites]
Everyone's journey is different. I got married at 36, and went the "let's not prevent pregnancy and see what happens" route. No pregnancies. I mouned. I mouned what could be, and what wasn't. I was also very unkind to myself, I mean teenagers do this every day, what's wrong with me?
My partner and I travel, so the year I turned 45 we wrote down our 10 year travel plan and discussed how to be the best Auntie and Uncle ever. I got pregnant, with one ovary and severe endometriosis. We have a 10 yr old. Life is weird.
Be kind to yourself. You are amazing.
posted by Arctostaphylos at 2:56 PM on December 3, 2024 [7 favorites]
My partner and I travel, so the year I turned 45 we wrote down our 10 year travel plan and discussed how to be the best Auntie and Uncle ever. I got pregnant, with one ovary and severe endometriosis. We have a 10 yr old. Life is weird.
Be kind to yourself. You are amazing.
posted by Arctostaphylos at 2:56 PM on December 3, 2024 [7 favorites]
I might do a bit more testing before throwing in the towel?
Did you get a saline flush with your ultrasound? I had a hysterosalpingogram but there is the xray less version called I believe saline infusion sonohysterogram.
I was in a similar position to you and when they did mine the tech commented “I just washed out a lot of gunk there for ya” and I was pregnant that month. I’m not the only anecdote. Sometimes the tubes just get a little gunky.
I don’t know if this applies but my friend was on ozempic and after years and years of infertility had a joyous surprise earlier this year. She wasn’t on it for a long time either.
I had a neighbor who had a 5 year infertility for no explained reason and then could get pregnant again.
So I might continue to explore just because you are yet young and this is something you want. If you were in your 40s then it might be time to make peace. Just my two cents.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:57 PM on December 3, 2024 [6 favorites]
Did you get a saline flush with your ultrasound? I had a hysterosalpingogram but there is the xray less version called I believe saline infusion sonohysterogram.
I was in a similar position to you and when they did mine the tech commented “I just washed out a lot of gunk there for ya” and I was pregnant that month. I’m not the only anecdote. Sometimes the tubes just get a little gunky.
I don’t know if this applies but my friend was on ozempic and after years and years of infertility had a joyous surprise earlier this year. She wasn’t on it for a long time either.
I had a neighbor who had a 5 year infertility for no explained reason and then could get pregnant again.
So I might continue to explore just because you are yet young and this is something you want. If you were in your 40s then it might be time to make peace. Just my two cents.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:57 PM on December 3, 2024 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I'm a person who cannot get pregnant, but my wife and I have one amazing child. We tried for 3+ years to have a second, and had too, too many miscarriages. It was overwhelming and eventually we sat down and talked about how it was affecting our lives and her health.
After that discussion I scheduled a vasectomy and some months later we didn't change our minds.
It felt like a relief, though I/we are still hit by waves of mourning the lost possibilities.
I think the most important thing in our decision making process was to sit down together at a time when we were feeling okay, and to talk in a curious, information-gathering way about each other's feelings and hopes and fears.
If your heart rate is up, then take a break and come back to it another day.
posted by Acari at 3:57 PM on December 3, 2024 [1 favorite]
After that discussion I scheduled a vasectomy and some months later we didn't change our minds.
It felt like a relief, though I/we are still hit by waves of mourning the lost possibilities.
I think the most important thing in our decision making process was to sit down together at a time when we were feeling okay, and to talk in a curious, information-gathering way about each other's feelings and hopes and fears.
If your heart rate is up, then take a break and come back to it another day.
posted by Acari at 3:57 PM on December 3, 2024 [1 favorite]
I would suggest therapy to work on coping strategies for any outcome. But I don't think you should necessarily give up yet.
My understanding is that your fertility does not actually reduce by half if you lose a fallopian tube. The body is pretty incredible and the remaining tube can fetch an egg from either side.
It sounds like you have some chronic medical conditions which could require some further investigation and support. Working on these things would be beneficial for you in general, but may also be helpful for fertility.
There are so many different treatments available that may help you, I think it would be a shame to give up without at least exploring them. But with the caveat that your mental health is important, so it's important to find a balance there.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 9:10 PM on December 3, 2024 [1 favorite]
My understanding is that your fertility does not actually reduce by half if you lose a fallopian tube. The body is pretty incredible and the remaining tube can fetch an egg from either side.
It sounds like you have some chronic medical conditions which could require some further investigation and support. Working on these things would be beneficial for you in general, but may also be helpful for fertility.
There are so many different treatments available that may help you, I think it would be a shame to give up without at least exploring them. But with the caveat that your mental health is important, so it's important to find a balance there.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 9:10 PM on December 3, 2024 [1 favorite]
Seconding the advice to visualise a great life without kids (which will include some mourning of the kid(s) you didn't get to have). I did end up having a kid after 5+ years of trying but I had great plans for a childless life.
As a Brit I'd gently encourage you not to let the general state of the NHS put you off seeking treatment, if you want that. Excellent care is still to be found and there are assisted conception units in all major hospitals. You could go to your GP and say you've been trying without success, and see what they suggest.
posted by altolinguistic at 12:10 AM on December 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
As a Brit I'd gently encourage you not to let the general state of the NHS put you off seeking treatment, if you want that. Excellent care is still to be found and there are assisted conception units in all major hospitals. You could go to your GP and say you've been trying without success, and see what they suggest.
posted by altolinguistic at 12:10 AM on December 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks, all. To be clear: I'm not looking at giving up yet, I'm just really hungry to hear the stories of people who eventually did.
Advice on navigating the NHS for low-level interventions (saline flush, oral medication) would also be great. I have a real ADHD Impossible Task thing around using NHS services for anything more complex than getting a medication I was already prescribed when I got here.
posted by cabbage raccoon at 4:36 AM on December 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
Advice on navigating the NHS for low-level interventions (saline flush, oral medication) would also be great. I have a real ADHD Impossible Task thing around using NHS services for anything more complex than getting a medication I was already prescribed when I got here.
posted by cabbage raccoon at 4:36 AM on December 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
With the NHS, I would try and find a GP at your current practice who is sympathetic and sensible and ask them for help. Most people I know who have something complicated going on have found that with the right GP everything is much more manageable.
The NHS itself suggests that you contact your local integrated care board and find out what they will do for you. Infertility treatment on the NHS is a postcode lottery, in the sense that integrated care boards may have different criteria about who they will treat and what with. You may as well find out what the standard offer is where you live. Sometimes variations are possible, but for that you would need a GP to advocate for you, and even then it may not work.
posted by plonkee at 5:19 AM on December 4, 2024
The NHS itself suggests that you contact your local integrated care board and find out what they will do for you. Infertility treatment on the NHS is a postcode lottery, in the sense that integrated care boards may have different criteria about who they will treat and what with. You may as well find out what the standard offer is where you live. Sometimes variations are possible, but for that you would need a GP to advocate for you, and even then it may not work.
posted by plonkee at 5:19 AM on December 4, 2024
I would guess that with all of your autoimmune stuff you've also been screened for antiphospholipid antibodies, but if not, that's a well-characterized autoimmune barrier to successful pregnancy outcome.
posted by Dashy at 7:44 AM on December 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
posted by Dashy at 7:44 AM on December 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Not precisely your situation, but many years ago, after actively trying with my former spouse to get pregnant, I had a late miscarriage/stillbirth that did a number on my body and my mind. For many months after that, I was obsessed with becoming pregnant again and with getting answers. I never did -- for some time, it simply was not a good idea physically -- and I never got the answers.
As it happens, the loss and our navigation of it took a huge toll on the relationship. We eventually parted ways, in part because of that. And oddly enough, at the last ditch, my former spouse tried to persuade me to stay with him and try again to have kids -- and I knew that was it for us, because despite all my suffering over the loss and my longing to be pregnant again, I NO LONGER WANTED TO. I had taken a path that allows me to see a different life, and I wanted that for myself.
Anyone's reckoning would, I hope, be less dramatic than ours, but the advice people have offered above about just sitting with it/holding it, imagining your life without kids, living your daily life without kids as a goal, and coming to terms with that, is what I would also suggest to anyone who was at this crossroads. My former spouse remarried very soon and had kids very soon. I took my time, found a good relationship with a wonderful partner, and we have no desire for children, even if we were young enough for it. Sometimes I have a pang, seeing the families of friends and loved ones, sometimes I think of the life I didn't live. But mostly, my life is busy, happy and full of care and kindness, even without children. It has been 9 years since I made the decision not to have kids.
posted by underthelilacs at 9:00 AM on December 4, 2024 [2 favorites]
As it happens, the loss and our navigation of it took a huge toll on the relationship. We eventually parted ways, in part because of that. And oddly enough, at the last ditch, my former spouse tried to persuade me to stay with him and try again to have kids -- and I knew that was it for us, because despite all my suffering over the loss and my longing to be pregnant again, I NO LONGER WANTED TO. I had taken a path that allows me to see a different life, and I wanted that for myself.
Anyone's reckoning would, I hope, be less dramatic than ours, but the advice people have offered above about just sitting with it/holding it, imagining your life without kids, living your daily life without kids as a goal, and coming to terms with that, is what I would also suggest to anyone who was at this crossroads. My former spouse remarried very soon and had kids very soon. I took my time, found a good relationship with a wonderful partner, and we have no desire for children, even if we were young enough for it. Sometimes I have a pang, seeing the families of friends and loved ones, sometimes I think of the life I didn't live. But mostly, my life is busy, happy and full of care and kindness, even without children. It has been 9 years since I made the decision not to have kids.
posted by underthelilacs at 9:00 AM on December 4, 2024 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I don't know if this is useful, but... I'm in the 'childless not by choice' camp, though never went through IVF. There's a woman called Jody Day who is incredible, and has almost single-handedly pushed forward the discourse and level of support for CNBC people from a standing start to a much better place in recent years.
One thing that's striking when you read her work, one thing she emphasises, is that from the outside, people tend to assume that when people are CNBC, their story is "Tried IVF, didn't work." But in reality, there are a. Countless different paths to that outcome, and b. For most people, multiple different reasons that all intertwine or pile up. Her book, Living the Life Unexpected, has a whole chapter, that's just short biographies of how different people came to be CNBC, and they all emphasise how it's generally complex and multi-factorial. And in some cases might not feel like a clear-cut, active choice, so much as a gradually reducing attractiveness or viability of other possibilities until you end up at a destination that feels like it wasn't exactly an active choice, but became the only option on the table. The stories might be...
"Wasn't sure if I wanted to be a parent; in my 20s had a relationship with someone else who wasn't sure; then he got cancer and we lost several years to his treatment; then we split up; I decided I'd like to try on my own; right then, I lost my job and couldn't afford it."
Or
"Me and my partner wanted kids but his mental health wasn't great in his 20s; he did a lot of work on himself and was much better in his 30s but then our parents got sick one after another and we were consumed by that for a few years; once we emerged from that we couldn't conceive so tried IVF; it never worked; we applied for adoption but were rejected because of partner's mental health history."
Or
"I was always single and couldn't afford to raise a child on my own; I decided to throw myself into growing my business, which was a great success but took a lot of time and energy; by the time I was financially stable enough to think about IVF, I was too old and also realised I didn't have a support structure that would make me comfortable as a lone parent."
So... just to say that it's not unusual for this journey not to be along a simple, clear-cut path - everyone who ends up at the destination of CNBC has a complex history, and it's OK if that's your experience too.
Not saying that this will be your destination, just sharing a view from a different point on the journey.
posted by penguin pie at 11:37 AM on December 4, 2024 [7 favorites]
One thing that's striking when you read her work, one thing she emphasises, is that from the outside, people tend to assume that when people are CNBC, their story is "Tried IVF, didn't work." But in reality, there are a. Countless different paths to that outcome, and b. For most people, multiple different reasons that all intertwine or pile up. Her book, Living the Life Unexpected, has a whole chapter, that's just short biographies of how different people came to be CNBC, and they all emphasise how it's generally complex and multi-factorial. And in some cases might not feel like a clear-cut, active choice, so much as a gradually reducing attractiveness or viability of other possibilities until you end up at a destination that feels like it wasn't exactly an active choice, but became the only option on the table. The stories might be...
"Wasn't sure if I wanted to be a parent; in my 20s had a relationship with someone else who wasn't sure; then he got cancer and we lost several years to his treatment; then we split up; I decided I'd like to try on my own; right then, I lost my job and couldn't afford it."
Or
"Me and my partner wanted kids but his mental health wasn't great in his 20s; he did a lot of work on himself and was much better in his 30s but then our parents got sick one after another and we were consumed by that for a few years; once we emerged from that we couldn't conceive so tried IVF; it never worked; we applied for adoption but were rejected because of partner's mental health history."
Or
"I was always single and couldn't afford to raise a child on my own; I decided to throw myself into growing my business, which was a great success but took a lot of time and energy; by the time I was financially stable enough to think about IVF, I was too old and also realised I didn't have a support structure that would make me comfortable as a lone parent."
So... just to say that it's not unusual for this journey not to be along a simple, clear-cut path - everyone who ends up at the destination of CNBC has a complex history, and it's OK if that's your experience too.
Not saying that this will be your destination, just sharing a view from a different point on the journey.
posted by penguin pie at 11:37 AM on December 4, 2024 [7 favorites]
Experiences similar to yours are included in ’Otherhood’, published this year. (Otherhood: Essays On Being Childless, Childfree & Child Adjacent.) The link includes reviews, a radio interview, and extracts from the book.
A thoughtful review of the book.
The idea for the book arose from this essay by Kate Camp.
I contributed to crowdfunding publication of the book because it’s important for these stories to be told.
posted by The Patron Saint of Spices at 12:11 PM on December 4, 2024 [2 favorites]
A thoughtful review of the book.
The idea for the book arose from this essay by Kate Camp.
I contributed to crowdfunding publication of the book because it’s important for these stories to be told.
posted by The Patron Saint of Spices at 12:11 PM on December 4, 2024 [2 favorites]
This is so hard. I had two unrelated stillbirths, two years apart, and countless interventions as a result. Doctors said IVF might give us a shot, since I was down to one functional tube, but the odds were slim. We didn't want to invest the heartache, especially since my body was still struggling to recover from some of the aftereffects.
About 2 years after the second loss, we started to make peace with being childless. My husband and I had long conversations about what a childfree life would look like. We started traveling more and planning for an early retirement. I built my business. It was nice to have the headspace back to devote to something positive, rather than holding my breath every month. We weren't trying, but we weren't preventing, either.
Two years later, I realized I wanted to give it one more attempt, because otherwise I might always wonder what could have been. But I didn't want to go the super-medicalized route. Instead, I decided to focus on improving my own health. At the very least, it would help me feel better in my body. I did a ton of research about improving fertility through diet (especially the work of Lily Nichols). I focused on getting better sleep and taking better care of myself. A few months later, I did get pregnant, and we now have a wonderful toddler. The pregnancy was very difficult - long hospitalization, and I had to have a hysterectomy at delivery. In a way, the hysterectomy provides a nice finality to our journey.
Basically, for me, the big mindset shift was to take care of MYSELF, first, since I knew I would have to live with myself forever. Before, it was all about some hypothetical baby, which gave me tunnel vision. By focusing on my own health, my stress levels improved tremendously and I felt better in my own body than I ever had. And that good health made it possible to endure the tough pregnancy, and now, to chase after a toddler.
posted by writermcwriterson at 10:01 AM on December 5, 2024 [4 favorites]
About 2 years after the second loss, we started to make peace with being childless. My husband and I had long conversations about what a childfree life would look like. We started traveling more and planning for an early retirement. I built my business. It was nice to have the headspace back to devote to something positive, rather than holding my breath every month. We weren't trying, but we weren't preventing, either.
Two years later, I realized I wanted to give it one more attempt, because otherwise I might always wonder what could have been. But I didn't want to go the super-medicalized route. Instead, I decided to focus on improving my own health. At the very least, it would help me feel better in my body. I did a ton of research about improving fertility through diet (especially the work of Lily Nichols). I focused on getting better sleep and taking better care of myself. A few months later, I did get pregnant, and we now have a wonderful toddler. The pregnancy was very difficult - long hospitalization, and I had to have a hysterectomy at delivery. In a way, the hysterectomy provides a nice finality to our journey.
Basically, for me, the big mindset shift was to take care of MYSELF, first, since I knew I would have to live with myself forever. Before, it was all about some hypothetical baby, which gave me tunnel vision. By focusing on my own health, my stress levels improved tremendously and I felt better in my own body than I ever had. And that good health made it possible to endure the tough pregnancy, and now, to chase after a toddler.
posted by writermcwriterson at 10:01 AM on December 5, 2024 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I was dealing with infertility and a lot of disappointment. We did some IUIs and a round of IVF, and at some point a friend told me a story that she meant we reassurance, about someone who spent eight years trying fertility treatments and then finally gave up and then boom. Pregnant.
What I heard was "eight years".
That night we had a long conversation about what we our boundaries were. For us, it was that we were going to do three more IUIs, if they didn't work, we would try IVF once. And after that we would be done.
Our mothers both had a very hard time accepting it, but I was so so so done with speculums and monitoring.
There's more to my story, but that story about eight years of blood tests and logging basal body temperatures and gyno exams set me straight. I knew I did not want that.
posted by amandabee at 10:41 PM on December 6, 2024 [3 favorites]
What I heard was "eight years".
That night we had a long conversation about what we our boundaries were. For us, it was that we were going to do three more IUIs, if they didn't work, we would try IVF once. And after that we would be done.
Our mothers both had a very hard time accepting it, but I was so so so done with speculums and monitoring.
There's more to my story, but that story about eight years of blood tests and logging basal body temperatures and gyno exams set me straight. I knew I did not want that.
posted by amandabee at 10:41 PM on December 6, 2024 [3 favorites]
One other thought that occurs to me - it’s overwhelmingly true that the only way our culture seems able to tell stories of people struggling to conceive, is when they end in miracle babies. Newspapers, films, TV dramas, just cannot bear to tell stories of prolonged trying that end in no child. “Miracle baby” is a phrase that will always elicit a huge eye roll among my CNBC friends because it’s such a cliche and so upsetting for those that didn’t experience it.
The result is that friends and family, and often the people trying for a baby themselves, can only imagine the story ending that way. Like, if you’ve not got a baby you’ve just not tried for long enough, everybody gets one in the end, because that’s what always happens on TV and is the only way our brains ever see this narrative end. And the shame that often goes with unwanted childlessness is such that few people talk about their own experiences of it freely, so the only narratives people have are from friends whose story ended with a child, or those TV narratives that go the same way.
Sadly, it’s not always true, and because we never see that version of the story play out, we feel like we’re faulty or doing something wrong if we end up in it. It’s a hard row to plough, especially if at some point it involves making an active decision to stop trying, which others (and maybe a little corner of ourselves?) might perceive as “giving up” or not trying hard enough.
It’s not true. It’s a hard journey, you’re allowed to choose the way through it that’s right for you and if you can resist the narrative that you’re “giving up” and would absolutely have got there if you’d only tried hard enough, it can be much kinder on yourself.
posted by penguin pie at 4:41 PM on December 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
The result is that friends and family, and often the people trying for a baby themselves, can only imagine the story ending that way. Like, if you’ve not got a baby you’ve just not tried for long enough, everybody gets one in the end, because that’s what always happens on TV and is the only way our brains ever see this narrative end. And the shame that often goes with unwanted childlessness is such that few people talk about their own experiences of it freely, so the only narratives people have are from friends whose story ended with a child, or those TV narratives that go the same way.
Sadly, it’s not always true, and because we never see that version of the story play out, we feel like we’re faulty or doing something wrong if we end up in it. It’s a hard row to plough, especially if at some point it involves making an active decision to stop trying, which others (and maybe a little corner of ourselves?) might perceive as “giving up” or not trying hard enough.
It’s not true. It’s a hard journey, you’re allowed to choose the way through it that’s right for you and if you can resist the narrative that you’re “giving up” and would absolutely have got there if you’d only tried hard enough, it can be much kinder on yourself.
posted by penguin pie at 4:41 PM on December 7, 2024 [3 favorites]
I started trying awfully late, age 37. From around 38-40, we tried escalating treatments, from IUI to IVF with donated embryos.
These were unsuccessful and we gave up when the fertility specialist made it clear there were not a lot of possibilities left on the basis of simple statistics.
We live in a state that does have a lot of foster children in need of homes. I had always wanted to be a foster parent, so we ended up pursuing foster to adopt. It was a very challenging road, but we were able to adopt our son six years ago and our daughter four years ago. They bring me so much joy, as much or more as a biological child would have.
This all said, this entire path felt very expected for me. I never quite felt that I was fertile despite regular menstruating and really good effort. I only recently learned at age 48 that I may have PCOS which explains the challenges somewhat.
posted by dog-eared paperback at 5:42 PM on December 14
These were unsuccessful and we gave up when the fertility specialist made it clear there were not a lot of possibilities left on the basis of simple statistics.
We live in a state that does have a lot of foster children in need of homes. I had always wanted to be a foster parent, so we ended up pursuing foster to adopt. It was a very challenging road, but we were able to adopt our son six years ago and our daughter four years ago. They bring me so much joy, as much or more as a biological child would have.
This all said, this entire path felt very expected for me. I never quite felt that I was fertile despite regular menstruating and really good effort. I only recently learned at age 48 that I may have PCOS which explains the challenges somewhat.
posted by dog-eared paperback at 5:42 PM on December 14
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posted by number9dream at 11:01 AM on December 3, 2024