What is the nicest way to say: Please visit but ONLY FOR TWO DAYS
December 1, 2024 5:36 AM Subscribe
My husband has stage four cancer. He is beloved and people want to visit, but we can't handle longer than a two day visit, yes even if you don't stay with us (you cannot stay with us).
So, my husband has stage four cancer and may well die within 6 months (or not! nobody knows what will happen and there's been plenty of surprises on this adventure).
It is wonderful that people love us and want to visit him before he dies. It definitely makes more sense to make the effort and spend the money to travel to see him while he is alive rather than for his funeral.
But at this point hard experience has shown us that any longer than a two day visit will have us longing for the person to be gone. We just don't have a lot of "people energy" (or any kind of energy) in us right now.
And this is not with people staying with us. Our visitors have stayed in AirBnBs (house is small, house is an ungodly mess, husband has urgent nighttime needs ranging from bathroom to pain to walking in the night). It is just too much to have to think about another person in our days for more than two days.
I get that it seems a waste to travel a long way and stay only two days. Yet another person has floated the idea of a four day visit. Person is beloved to us, fun and caring, and yet we will be so eager for them to leave if they are here for more than two days.
What is the nicest way to put a hard limit on visits? The NICEST way, none of your "that won't be possible."
So, my husband has stage four cancer and may well die within 6 months (or not! nobody knows what will happen and there's been plenty of surprises on this adventure).
It is wonderful that people love us and want to visit him before he dies. It definitely makes more sense to make the effort and spend the money to travel to see him while he is alive rather than for his funeral.
But at this point hard experience has shown us that any longer than a two day visit will have us longing for the person to be gone. We just don't have a lot of "people energy" (or any kind of energy) in us right now.
And this is not with people staying with us. Our visitors have stayed in AirBnBs (house is small, house is an ungodly mess, husband has urgent nighttime needs ranging from bathroom to pain to walking in the night). It is just too much to have to think about another person in our days for more than two days.
I get that it seems a waste to travel a long way and stay only two days. Yet another person has floated the idea of a four day visit. Person is beloved to us, fun and caring, and yet we will be so eager for them to leave if they are here for more than two days.
What is the nicest way to put a hard limit on visits? The NICEST way, none of your "that won't be possible."
Just tell everyone like above. If they want to be physically in the area for 4 days, whatever but they can only visit you for 2.
Anyone who argues with you at this time about the trip being “worth it” is not worth arguing with.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:44 AM on December 1 [24 favorites]
Anyone who argues with you at this time about the trip being “worth it” is not worth arguing with.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:44 AM on December 1 [24 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're going through this. A very dear friend of mine is in the same situation as your husband, and honestly, as a friend I just want to do whatever is easiest for them, over and above letting them know how much I love them.
So as the friend in your situation, I'd appreciate the gentle honesty of you saying that the emotional and physical struggle is taking up most of your energy, and whilst your husband absolutely wants to say goodbye while he can, a 2 day stay is the absolute maximum you can accommodate. On preview, what leftover_scrabble_rack said.
If your friends are anything like me they just want to know what they can do to help and support, and clear directions will be gratefully received.
posted by underclocked at 5:47 AM on December 1 [8 favorites]
So as the friend in your situation, I'd appreciate the gentle honesty of you saying that the emotional and physical struggle is taking up most of your energy, and whilst your husband absolutely wants to say goodbye while he can, a 2 day stay is the absolute maximum you can accommodate. On preview, what leftover_scrabble_rack said.
If your friends are anything like me they just want to know what they can do to help and support, and clear directions will be gratefully received.
posted by underclocked at 5:47 AM on December 1 [8 favorites]
Be honest. You explained this perfectly well here, so just say the same thing to them. It is not rude, mean, or a rejection to expect your husband's needs and desires to be prioritized in these circumstances; it is simply decent behavior.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 5:50 AM on December 1 [32 favorites]
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 5:50 AM on December 1 [32 favorites]
I'm so sorry.
Print out The Master and Margarita Mix's comment and tape it somewhere you can see it. The hard truth, from my experience, is that various friend and family that love you both will sometimes understand and sometimes not. Communicate about this clearly to your people sooner, not later, lest you wind up with people having already spent hundreds or thousands of dollars to visit and getting wrong-footed when they arrive, planning to hotel it for a week or two and pop in every few days to say "hi." Good luck.
posted by cupcakeninja at 6:12 AM on December 1 [2 favorites]
Print out The Master and Margarita Mix's comment and tape it somewhere you can see it. The hard truth, from my experience, is that various friend and family that love you both will sometimes understand and sometimes not. Communicate about this clearly to your people sooner, not later, lest you wind up with people having already spent hundreds or thousands of dollars to visit and getting wrong-footed when they arrive, planning to hotel it for a week or two and pop in every few days to say "hi." Good luck.
posted by cupcakeninja at 6:12 AM on December 1 [2 favorites]
You need to outsource this. This shouldn't be on your plate. Hospice or Hospice volunteer if you don't have family or a friend who can do this for you.
posted by memoryindustries at 6:15 AM on December 1 [11 favorites]
posted by memoryindustries at 6:15 AM on December 1 [11 favorites]
Based on my experience with friends in late stage cancers, two days is actually a really generous amount of time to be able to give someone!
It is important that you be able to say this clearly. If someone asks if they can visit, just say, "We'd love to see you, but we don't have the energy to see you more than two days."
It's totally OK to have a friend do this kind of communication for you. This is very common, in my experience. A friend or family member does the social media posts/ emails to everybody, telling them: what the family needs, what the family can do. "So-and-so welcomes visits but can't give a visitor more than two days. Because so-and-so's energy is unpredictable, they may ask you to leave for the day earlier than expected. It is/is not helpful if you offer to run errands or do some housework. It is/is not helpful for you to arrange a meal." Etc.
posted by Well I never at 6:24 AM on December 1 [15 favorites]
It is important that you be able to say this clearly. If someone asks if they can visit, just say, "We'd love to see you, but we don't have the energy to see you more than two days."
It's totally OK to have a friend do this kind of communication for you. This is very common, in my experience. A friend or family member does the social media posts/ emails to everybody, telling them: what the family needs, what the family can do. "So-and-so welcomes visits but can't give a visitor more than two days. Because so-and-so's energy is unpredictable, they may ask you to leave for the day earlier than expected. It is/is not helpful if you offer to run errands or do some housework. It is/is not helpful for you to arrange a meal." Etc.
posted by Well I never at 6:24 AM on December 1 [15 favorites]
Please feel free to amend the above wonderful script to add that at the moment 2 days is perfect, but health needs may change how frequently he is up to seeing visitors at any time, even without notice, and to please remember to be flexible!
Sending you and your husband all my support via MeFi! Take care of yourself, too.
posted by citygirl at 6:28 AM on December 1 [8 favorites]
Sending you and your husband all my support via MeFi! Take care of yourself, too.
posted by citygirl at 6:28 AM on December 1 [8 favorites]
I think the nicest thing to do would be as direct as you have been in this question.
If you’ve got people who aren’t going to be cool with that, fall back on the Doctor. “The Doctor says that he should only have visitors one or two days a week.”
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:49 AM on December 1 [16 favorites]
If you’ve got people who aren’t going to be cool with that, fall back on the Doctor. “The Doctor says that he should only have visitors one or two days a week.”
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:49 AM on December 1 [16 favorites]
When my Dad was on hospice with colorectal cancer, he could only take visits of an hour or so at most, let alone days. What you are asking for is 100% understandable.
posted by olopua at 6:52 AM on December 1 [8 favorites]
posted by olopua at 6:52 AM on December 1 [8 favorites]
Set up a calendar with available 2 day slots. He must have appointments, too, when having a visitor would be difficult, and you may want time between visits. This way, you might bend the rules to allow a particular date, while sticking to 2 days. Of course, get someone to do the calendar, you have your hands full.
Visits are work. If possible, ask visitors to bring takeout, and if people offer help, accept; they can do laundry, dishes, etc. You cannot be providing meals and hospitality. I wish you the best.
posted by theora55 at 7:09 AM on December 1 [8 favorites]
Visits are work. If possible, ask visitors to bring takeout, and if people offer help, accept; they can do laundry, dishes, etc. You cannot be providing meals and hospitality. I wish you the best.
posted by theora55 at 7:09 AM on December 1 [8 favorites]
I love the scripts above. And, for your specific friend who just asked and (if I follow correctly) doesn't yet know better, a more personal version could be, "Oh, Friend, I wish we were up for four days, but at this point two is really the sweet spot." I have relatives and friends without significant health issues who can only tolerate about two days of staying-elsewhere visitors in good spirits, and I really do think we're better off being open about this sort of thing instead of trying to make the trip "worth it" for the travelers while diminishing its "value" for the hosts.
Wishing you both all the best.
posted by teremala at 7:15 AM on December 1 [3 favorites]
Wishing you both all the best.
posted by teremala at 7:15 AM on December 1 [3 favorites]
People are going to react how they are going to react. You two don’t have the energy to worry about those who don’t get it.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:28 AM on December 1 [5 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:28 AM on December 1 [5 favorites]
I agree with the others that you can just be straightforward about this. If people want to stay longer, you could say something along the lines of "we understand if you want to stay and enjoy the area for longer, but we're only able to spend two days with you. Husband is just maxed out after that and frankly, so am I."
Anybody who argues with you has inappropriate "main-character energy" and is not worth worrying about. On the off-chance anybody is crass enough to stick around and still try to contact you after your two-day window, feel free to just not respond.
posted by rpfields at 8:01 AM on December 1 [1 favorite]
Anybody who argues with you has inappropriate "main-character energy" and is not worth worrying about. On the off-chance anybody is crass enough to stick around and still try to contact you after your two-day window, feel free to just not respond.
posted by rpfields at 8:01 AM on December 1 [1 favorite]
I would even break it down to specific hours. "We're doing visiting hours 10-11:30a and 3-4:30p" or whatever you feel is appropriate, "and I can give you two blocks" or 3-4 at your discretion. "I know that's not a lot to travel for but we encourage you to come enjoy the area as well."
Obviously these timeframes are entirely at your and his discretion - if he wants to spend more time with someone he gets to.
Anybody who doesn't understand that there's a lot of other things on the schedule - medication, rest, meals, various treatment challenges - can go fly a kite, but I think this might actually be a relief to others who just want to know how to do this right. I know I'd be incredibly grateful to be given this much structure.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:04 AM on December 1 [20 favorites]
Obviously these timeframes are entirely at your and his discretion - if he wants to spend more time with someone he gets to.
Anybody who doesn't understand that there's a lot of other things on the schedule - medication, rest, meals, various treatment challenges - can go fly a kite, but I think this might actually be a relief to others who just want to know how to do this right. I know I'd be incredibly grateful to be given this much structure.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:04 AM on December 1 [20 favorites]
Yes, there will always be some clueless boundary-crashers, but in the end I think most people will be very glad to be given some specific directions about what you want, like the scripts above. At a time like this, they just want to help.
(I'm very sorry about your husband.)
posted by praemunire at 10:44 AM on December 1 [4 favorites]
(I'm very sorry about your husband.)
posted by praemunire at 10:44 AM on December 1 [4 favorites]
Additionally, if someone is pushing boundaries on the 2 day limit thing after it has been made explicitly clear to them, you are absolutely within your rights to stop being nice about it. As others have said, be up front with the explanation and the people that matter will abide by your wishes, and the people that don't will self-identify by pushing that boundary.
posted by Aleyn at 1:21 PM on December 1 [3 favorites]
posted by Aleyn at 1:21 PM on December 1 [3 favorites]
One suggestion from the experience of a family friend:
When one of my mother's oldest friends chose to end treatment for her cancer, she established a routine with each of the friends who came to visit her in her last days. I don't remember the exact details but I know the centerpiece of it was a long 1:1 walk through a beautiful park near her house. It might be helpful to do something similar, set out a generic schedule of a day or two's worth of activities, full of things that aren't too taxing and that you will enjoy doing repeatedly with different friends. (Say, a dinner at a favorite restaurant, then watching a favorite movie, a long walk the next morning followed by a picnic lunch, adjust as needed for your interests and abilities).
Then you can just propose those activities (and only those activities) to every friend who comes in to town. That way you're in control of the schedule and can give people the time and attention that they want, while avoiding the sort of unstructured hangouts that will tend to extend to hours or days because "this might be the last time I see them, so I'd better spend as much time with them as possible."
posted by firechicago at 2:08 PM on December 1 [5 favorites]
When one of my mother's oldest friends chose to end treatment for her cancer, she established a routine with each of the friends who came to visit her in her last days. I don't remember the exact details but I know the centerpiece of it was a long 1:1 walk through a beautiful park near her house. It might be helpful to do something similar, set out a generic schedule of a day or two's worth of activities, full of things that aren't too taxing and that you will enjoy doing repeatedly with different friends. (Say, a dinner at a favorite restaurant, then watching a favorite movie, a long walk the next morning followed by a picnic lunch, adjust as needed for your interests and abilities).
Then you can just propose those activities (and only those activities) to every friend who comes in to town. That way you're in control of the schedule and can give people the time and attention that they want, while avoiding the sort of unstructured hangouts that will tend to extend to hours or days because "this might be the last time I see them, so I'd better spend as much time with them as possible."
posted by firechicago at 2:08 PM on December 1 [5 favorites]
You may want to have someone else handle scheduling on this so you aren't having to manage that Alvin wants to visit for Monday and Tuesday, and Bernadette is planning to visit on Wednesday and Thursday, and then Casey is visiting Thursday and Friday.
If people are talking about visiting your area for longer they can let them know what days you would prefer to schedule visits and suggest that they see some local tourist attractions if they are choosing to stay in the area when you aren't available.
posted by yohko at 9:52 PM on December 2 [1 favorite]
If people are talking about visiting your area for longer they can let them know what days you would prefer to schedule visits and suggest that they see some local tourist attractions if they are choosing to stay in the area when you aren't available.
posted by yohko at 9:52 PM on December 2 [1 favorite]
No matter how kindly you say it, there may still be some people whose feelings are hurt. Trust yourself that you are a kind person, take a deep breath, and say it the kindest way you can (but please use clear, unambiguous, direct statements - peddling it soft and ambiguous and indirect is unkindness).
Leave the rest up to the universe. If someone decides to take umbrage, that's okay. They are allowed to have their own chaotic feelings, and that is their business not yours. You have enough on your plate.
Remember that these are people who love you, so they will come around soon enough. Even if you trust in nothing else, trust in that. Let go of trying to manage their emotions and worrying about how to handle them right now. Say what you need to say, and move on.
posted by MiraK at 8:21 AM on December 3 [2 favorites]
Leave the rest up to the universe. If someone decides to take umbrage, that's okay. They are allowed to have their own chaotic feelings, and that is their business not yours. You have enough on your plate.
Remember that these are people who love you, so they will come around soon enough. Even if you trust in nothing else, trust in that. Let go of trying to manage their emotions and worrying about how to handle them right now. Say what you need to say, and move on.
posted by MiraK at 8:21 AM on December 3 [2 favorites]
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Is it possible to send a group email to family and friends that explains the situation? That might help someone think that you don't want them personally to stay for very long.
Something like: "Dear family and friends, many of you have inquired about coming to visit Mr. Jenny'sCricket in the coming months. We would absolutely love to see you! Based on his current energy levels, we've discovered that a two-day visit is the perfect amount of time to ensure that he can enjoy your company without getting too exhausted. We're also not prepared to host visitors at the moment, but I'd be happy to give you ideas for local airbnbs and hotels. Thank you so much for your unwavering support and understanding during this journey, and we're hoping to see some of you in the near future!"
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 5:41 AM on December 1 [38 favorites]