Can I, the eternally independent woman, become a trailing spouse?
November 28, 2024 4:04 PM Subscribe
I'm trying to decide how to make plans for the future based on being happy-ish in my current city but missing my long distance who I want firmly in my future.
I'm 33 and I've been with my partner for a year. It's the best relationship I've had in life so far.
However, 7 months into the relationship he moved to a city three hours away (he's an academic and was offered an amazing tenure track position).
We are now long distance. We take turns visiting, although since he started his academic post I find I'm shouldering more travel time (my job is like 95% remote).
I usually spend 1-2 weeks at his place, as well as trips together. He's coming here at Christmas. Sometimes a call is missed, which leads to upset, but on the whole it's going well. I just miss him a heck of a lot, miss the shared quotidian life.
He's divorced, with no kids (but open to having them, as am I), early 30s. He's from a different European country and talks wistfully about 'maybe' going home someday. Big maybe.
I lived abroad for years and came back to the UK in 2020 just before COVID hit. It took time for me to settle in to my home city and make new friends. I have a great circle now, and my parents live here too.
I have a full time job and my debut novel is going to be published next year. It's all happening. But I really miss my partner.
It seems like the only way to overcome this would be to move to be with him. Maybe several times, as a 'trailing spouse'. He has asked me to go with him for a professorship next summer.
Sometimes I imagine myself in this role and think 'yes, I love him, and it would be an adventure.' Other times I can't reconcile the idea of moving for a man. Even if he is THE man.
I just don't know how to figure out how to merge my present dreams with a future with him. How do I find the answer? Any advice would be well received.
I'm 33 and I've been with my partner for a year. It's the best relationship I've had in life so far.
However, 7 months into the relationship he moved to a city three hours away (he's an academic and was offered an amazing tenure track position).
We are now long distance. We take turns visiting, although since he started his academic post I find I'm shouldering more travel time (my job is like 95% remote).
I usually spend 1-2 weeks at his place, as well as trips together. He's coming here at Christmas. Sometimes a call is missed, which leads to upset, but on the whole it's going well. I just miss him a heck of a lot, miss the shared quotidian life.
He's divorced, with no kids (but open to having them, as am I), early 30s. He's from a different European country and talks wistfully about 'maybe' going home someday. Big maybe.
I lived abroad for years and came back to the UK in 2020 just before COVID hit. It took time for me to settle in to my home city and make new friends. I have a great circle now, and my parents live here too.
I have a full time job and my debut novel is going to be published next year. It's all happening. But I really miss my partner.
It seems like the only way to overcome this would be to move to be with him. Maybe several times, as a 'trailing spouse'. He has asked me to go with him for a professorship next summer.
Sometimes I imagine myself in this role and think 'yes, I love him, and it would be an adventure.' Other times I can't reconcile the idea of moving for a man. Even if he is THE man.
I just don't know how to figure out how to merge my present dreams with a future with him. How do I find the answer? Any advice would be well received.
Few things are unchangeable. Meaning if you moved in with him, got married, had kids, yet it the relationship goes south, you can still go back to you. It'll be harder, yes. Different, yes. But it doesn't have to be either/or.
You could have an amazing relationship with this guy, but maybe it doesn't last till your death bed. That doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile, just different from how you thought your life would go. That's ok.
Give it a few months and think it through, see if your feelings are the same, then decide from there.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:21 PM on November 28 [10 favorites]
You could have an amazing relationship with this guy, but maybe it doesn't last till your death bed. That doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile, just different from how you thought your life would go. That's ok.
Give it a few months and think it through, see if your feelings are the same, then decide from there.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:21 PM on November 28 [10 favorites]
I moved to my SO’s city (fortunately I’ve always liked it, LOL) to put an end to a very long long-distance phase of our relationship. He retired to his hometown and is not moving anywhere. If he didn’t exist, I most likely would have moved back to NYC once I finished medical training. (He wasn’t willing to become a trailing spouse to an academic medicine type.) My friends kind of think it’s an anti-feminist move, hell, that’s what I myself think, but I’m happy and we’re happy together. So go with your gut is what I say.
posted by 8603 at 4:41 PM on November 28 [2 favorites]
posted by 8603 at 4:41 PM on November 28 [2 favorites]
although since he started his academic post I find I'm shouldering more travel time (my job is like 95% remote).
I usually spend 1-2 weeks at his place, as well as trips together.
Agree with giving this relationship more time before deciding and also spending longer periods together. Does he view these short periods as holidays or living together? Specifically how much adjustment of his schedule does he do when you are there? Do you get a true sense of what it would be like to actually be full time with him? If he is already unable or unwilling to travel to be with you yet wants you to constantly travel/take summer professorships with him, take a good look at what life would be like as his spouse regardless of if you are a trailing spouse or not.. and then consider this life with kids.
posted by beaning at 5:57 PM on November 28 [5 favorites]
I usually spend 1-2 weeks at his place, as well as trips together.
Agree with giving this relationship more time before deciding and also spending longer periods together. Does he view these short periods as holidays or living together? Specifically how much adjustment of his schedule does he do when you are there? Do you get a true sense of what it would be like to actually be full time with him? If he is already unable or unwilling to travel to be with you yet wants you to constantly travel/take summer professorships with him, take a good look at what life would be like as his spouse regardless of if you are a trailing spouse or not.. and then consider this life with kids.
posted by beaning at 5:57 PM on November 28 [5 favorites]
If he is tenure track there is a very high probability that he will have little time for your relationship after you move. If you like the city he moved to and want to make a life there, then do it. If you want to move to spend lots of time with him, you have a high likelihood of resenting him for making you move and then not being available. Not his fault, not that he's a bad dude, it's just reality of the professional path he decided to take. Maybe talk to other partners of tenure track folks in his department?
posted by Toddles at 6:19 PM on November 28 [2 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 6:19 PM on November 28 [2 favorites]
to move to be with him. Maybe several times
This part stands out to me. To over-generalize a bit, there are two types of academics. The first feels relieved when they get their first stable tenure-track job, and provided they aren't miserable in the location and the department isn't too toxic, they focus on settling down. Sure, maybe in a couple of decades, if they've made a name for themselves, they'll be open to being poached for some fancier gig, but they have the attitude of a certain commitment to where they've landed. The second sort of academic is always striving until they've achieved an endowed chair somewhere prestigious - they are always on the job market, always trying to move up the prestige ladder.
If your partner is keen to be more like the latter than the former, that would give me pause. It's one thing to move once for someone - it's another to not only potentially to move several times, but to always have an air of uncertainty hanging over you as your partner interviews for various jobs elsewhere.
Before you uproot yourself, I'd want to have a firm sense of how rooted he feels in his current position, and if he's not rooted, what it would take for him to feel committed to a job/place. How much is he willing to risk (and lose) for his career? And then I'd think seriously of how many times you'd want to uproot your life.
posted by coffeecat at 6:50 PM on November 28 [22 favorites]
This part stands out to me. To over-generalize a bit, there are two types of academics. The first feels relieved when they get their first stable tenure-track job, and provided they aren't miserable in the location and the department isn't too toxic, they focus on settling down. Sure, maybe in a couple of decades, if they've made a name for themselves, they'll be open to being poached for some fancier gig, but they have the attitude of a certain commitment to where they've landed. The second sort of academic is always striving until they've achieved an endowed chair somewhere prestigious - they are always on the job market, always trying to move up the prestige ladder.
If your partner is keen to be more like the latter than the former, that would give me pause. It's one thing to move once for someone - it's another to not only potentially to move several times, but to always have an air of uncertainty hanging over you as your partner interviews for various jobs elsewhere.
Before you uproot yourself, I'd want to have a firm sense of how rooted he feels in his current position, and if he's not rooted, what it would take for him to feel committed to a job/place. How much is he willing to risk (and lose) for his career? And then I'd think seriously of how many times you'd want to uproot your life.
posted by coffeecat at 6:50 PM on November 28 [22 favorites]
Nah. He should be traveling to you at least some of the time, first of all. Academics of a certain type always act like they are the ~busiest people alive~. They aren’t. They just think that they are doing something Important while you are just idk wasting your life away? A bit of an NPC?
In any event, this attitude typically does not get better and they rarely change. They don’t change when they have kids that they ignore in order to referee some paper they could’ve turned down, they don’t change when they take that position in a city you hate, and they don’t change when you have cancer and want them to take care of you but they want to attend some conference that’s tangentially related to their areas of interest. And they tend to eventually cheat with or leave you for people who can ~understand their passion~ and who are coincidentally younger than you.
Given that, I would wait until he has actually demonstrated that he is willing to compromise in a significant way.
posted by knobknosher at 7:03 PM on November 28 [25 favorites]
In any event, this attitude typically does not get better and they rarely change. They don’t change when they have kids that they ignore in order to referee some paper they could’ve turned down, they don’t change when they take that position in a city you hate, and they don’t change when you have cancer and want them to take care of you but they want to attend some conference that’s tangentially related to their areas of interest. And they tend to eventually cheat with or leave you for people who can ~understand their passion~ and who are coincidentally younger than you.
Given that, I would wait until he has actually demonstrated that he is willing to compromise in a significant way.
posted by knobknosher at 7:03 PM on November 28 [25 favorites]
I, a cis-het male who considers himself to be very independent, picked up and moved across the country (in the US, so we're talking a multi-day drive) to follow my spouse's career in academia and did not regret it. My situation was as follows:
1. I met her when she was applying for PhD programs, and I knew she was eventually pursuing a career in academia, so I knew what I was signing up for when we got married in the middle of getting her degree.
2. When we started dating, I had the best job I'd had up to that point. But, the recession happened and I was laid off early in her program and the work I got afterwards wasn't anything I felt a strong enough tie to that I felt like I was losing anything by leaving. If, in the pre-covid, pre-WFH era, I had still had that first job when she finished her degree, we might have had a very serious conversation about leaving. My work is ultimately fairly portable compared to getting a tenure-track position, so I suspect I would have been ok with moving anyway.
3. The area we lived in had (still has) a super-high cost of living for housing, so eventually buying a house and all that would have been a struggle even with two professional incomes. Moving anywhere else would almost certainly be more affordable, perhaps ridiculously so (narrator: it was ridiculously more affordable).
4. In the post-recession environment, with me struggling to find work and her in a PhD program, we didn't have enough money to really go out and do anything in where we lived, so we didn't feel like we were going to lose much socially, aside from contact with people in her cohort who were basically in the same boat and probably going to leave town eventually anyway.
We're divorced now for reasons completely unrelated to the move, but the move wasn't even something I felt like I could say I did "for" her, because it was such a no-brainer thing to do given our situation. It sounds like you have things that will actually be sacrifices - I think how serious those sacrifices are for you is something to consider regardless of the idea of being an independent woman or not wanting to move "for a man" or anything - you have a life in your spot with friends, family, and local stuff; having to start all over in a new place is kinda scary; I don't know how big a deal that 5% of NOT remote your work is or whether your job is a place you hope you're going to retire from like I did with my job when I met my ex.
I'll also second coffeecat's note of "what kind of TT position is this for him" - My ex was more the first type, but there were definitely people we knew who were the second.
posted by LionIndex at 7:31 PM on November 28 [9 favorites]
1. I met her when she was applying for PhD programs, and I knew she was eventually pursuing a career in academia, so I knew what I was signing up for when we got married in the middle of getting her degree.
2. When we started dating, I had the best job I'd had up to that point. But, the recession happened and I was laid off early in her program and the work I got afterwards wasn't anything I felt a strong enough tie to that I felt like I was losing anything by leaving. If, in the pre-covid, pre-WFH era, I had still had that first job when she finished her degree, we might have had a very serious conversation about leaving. My work is ultimately fairly portable compared to getting a tenure-track position, so I suspect I would have been ok with moving anyway.
3. The area we lived in had (still has) a super-high cost of living for housing, so eventually buying a house and all that would have been a struggle even with two professional incomes. Moving anywhere else would almost certainly be more affordable, perhaps ridiculously so (narrator: it was ridiculously more affordable).
4. In the post-recession environment, with me struggling to find work and her in a PhD program, we didn't have enough money to really go out and do anything in where we lived, so we didn't feel like we were going to lose much socially, aside from contact with people in her cohort who were basically in the same boat and probably going to leave town eventually anyway.
We're divorced now for reasons completely unrelated to the move, but the move wasn't even something I felt like I could say I did "for" her, because it was such a no-brainer thing to do given our situation. It sounds like you have things that will actually be sacrifices - I think how serious those sacrifices are for you is something to consider regardless of the idea of being an independent woman or not wanting to move "for a man" or anything - you have a life in your spot with friends, family, and local stuff; having to start all over in a new place is kinda scary; I don't know how big a deal that 5% of NOT remote your work is or whether your job is a place you hope you're going to retire from like I did with my job when I met my ex.
I'll also second coffeecat's note of "what kind of TT position is this for him" - My ex was more the first type, but there were definitely people we knew who were the second.
posted by LionIndex at 7:31 PM on November 28 [9 favorites]
Another point I don’t see above is that independence is about the freedom to choose. If you CHOOSE to try things out in his city and see how it goes, then that’s real independence, much more than, for example, staying in your current location and letting peer pressure push you into a relationship you’re not very excited about.
posted by 8603 at 7:55 PM on November 28 [5 favorites]
posted by 8603 at 7:55 PM on November 28 [5 favorites]
Academia just doesn't allow people the freedom to live where they want. It is filled with couples who can't live together because both are academics and don't have that flexibility.
If you are a novelist who can work remotely, then you are very, very lucky. So you don't have to think of this as "trailing a man," which implies all sorts of things about your own lack of agency and power. In this situation you actually have greater freedom and privilege than he does.
If you decide to put the relationship itself front and center, and think about what *the relationship* requires, then it seems pretty clear that it needs the person who is able to move to be the one to move.
If you put your own life front and center, and this guy as an expendable part of your single, individualistic life plan, then he becomes one more factor, like friends and parents. But in my experience that is not how long marriages survive.
If you prioritize the relationship -- then he too would have to put the relationship front and center and do what he could to make its needs his priority. But he's an academic, so for him, that does not include moving to your town because that's where your friends and parents live. His doing so would have to make sense in a different way.
posted by ojocaliente at 8:13 PM on November 28 [6 favorites]
If you are a novelist who can work remotely, then you are very, very lucky. So you don't have to think of this as "trailing a man," which implies all sorts of things about your own lack of agency and power. In this situation you actually have greater freedom and privilege than he does.
If you decide to put the relationship itself front and center, and think about what *the relationship* requires, then it seems pretty clear that it needs the person who is able to move to be the one to move.
If you put your own life front and center, and this guy as an expendable part of your single, individualistic life plan, then he becomes one more factor, like friends and parents. But in my experience that is not how long marriages survive.
If you prioritize the relationship -- then he too would have to put the relationship front and center and do what he could to make its needs his priority. But he's an academic, so for him, that does not include moving to your town because that's where your friends and parents live. His doing so would have to make sense in a different way.
posted by ojocaliente at 8:13 PM on November 28 [6 favorites]
It sounds like your livelihood isn't dependent on location, so that's crucial and important and actually makes this easier. If it doesn't work out, move back. Give it a try. It sure beats "my ex is here and thus I can't ever move because of child custody" or "I can only do my job in X Location."
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:05 PM on November 28 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:05 PM on November 28 [2 favorites]
I guess I'd encourage you to reframe this. You aren't exactly a trailing spouse when you bring your job with you. You can work anywhere; he can only work at the university where he was hired to work. Moving for a relationship means giving it a shot, if you want a relationship where you live with or near your partner.
Do you want kids? Do you want to see if you want them with this man? Then I say go to his town and give it a test run. You don't have to make a permanent decision.
Also, moving "several" times seems a bit hyperbolic. Most academics, if they get tenure, stick at that university for a good long while, maybe moving once or twice more.
I'd poke at this to see what it really means that you are calling yourself independent and saying you'd be moving for a man. I mean, isn't giving love and a long term relationship a shot worth taking advantage of your flexible job?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:39 PM on November 28 [1 favorite]
Do you want kids? Do you want to see if you want them with this man? Then I say go to his town and give it a test run. You don't have to make a permanent decision.
Also, moving "several" times seems a bit hyperbolic. Most academics, if they get tenure, stick at that university for a good long while, maybe moving once or twice more.
I'd poke at this to see what it really means that you are calling yourself independent and saying you'd be moving for a man. I mean, isn't giving love and a long term relationship a shot worth taking advantage of your flexible job?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:39 PM on November 28 [1 favorite]
How does he feel about this? Methinks he needs to come up with a ring and a proposal. If you simply volunteer, it'll always be you having to fit into his life, and never the other way around.
posted by dum spiro spero at 10:43 PM on November 28 [7 favorites]
posted by dum spiro spero at 10:43 PM on November 28 [7 favorites]
The other thing I’ll say is that when I was early 30s I really underestimated the value of friends and community. It’s so much easier to make friends before you hit the mid-30s, people settle down and it’s easy to end up with all of your friends being your boyfriend’s friends who you tag along with.
It’s true that you can work remotely but work isn’t everything. Friends matter so much to overall happiness
posted by knobknosher at 11:32 PM on November 28 [16 favorites]
It’s true that you can work remotely but work isn’t everything. Friends matter so much to overall happiness
posted by knobknosher at 11:32 PM on November 28 [16 favorites]
How often are you visiting each other?
Have you talked with him about the imbalance in visiting effort? What does he say?
Who is getting upset if calls are missed, and why?
What quotidian rituals do you or could you have to sustain the relationship despite distance? What do/could you do for fun over the distance, how do/could you grow together over the distance?
Is fear driving any part of the desire to move?
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:50 AM on November 29 [4 favorites]
Have you talked with him about the imbalance in visiting effort? What does he say?
Who is getting upset if calls are missed, and why?
What quotidian rituals do you or could you have to sustain the relationship despite distance? What do/could you do for fun over the distance, how do/could you grow together over the distance?
Is fear driving any part of the desire to move?
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:50 AM on November 29 [4 favorites]
First a note from a UK-based academic - 'tenure track' in the UK is different to in the USA. Most full-time academic jobs here are the equivalent to tenure track in the USA (in that general employment law makes it harder to get fired here). Obviously I don’t know the whole situation, but it’s generally less intense than in the USA.
I am an academic-adjacent researcher (I don't work for a university any more - but I work for a research council and I have students etc.). I was with an academic for 13 years, and we moved once for her job and once for my job across the UK (we are both women and this was pre-pandemic, with less remote work). I also went with her for 3 months of a sabbatical abroad. I would agree that any academic job comes with the caveat that you often have to move, and that trailing spouses/partners are very common. HOWEVER, I think it's possible to do this fairly, and I can completely empathise with being wary. In my experience (lots and lots of friends who are couples in academia), where the moving involves straight couples, it's always almost the women who 'follows' and misses out.
I can also completely sympathise about not wanting to move for ‘a man’. Unfortunately, given that we all live in a pretty patriarchal society, I would agree that is a big deal, and something to keep in mind. I don’t think it’s reductive or sexist, and I think it’s a big issue and part of your identify – not something to be dismissed.
I also completely agree with the above comment that academic jobs are not necessarily the big giant hard deal that some people make them out to be. My ex and I are both successful academics (she is now a professor, we both publish, we have students, we both studied and worked at big deal universities etc.), and both worked hard, but we had time to have quality time together, take holidays, and share the load at home. I have seen SO MANY TIMES the dynamic of ‘I’m an important academic and I can’t do ANYTHING but my incredibly important work. Non-academic or part time female partner must do all the household work and bow down to my incredible important job’. Honestly, I would say this is the dynamic in about 80% of the straight academic couples I know and it drives me BANANAS. Of course I’m not saying this is the case for you – but I include this because it’s just such a dominant trope in this area.
It is absolutely 100% possible to be a high-flying professor in the UK and also have time for a partner, a life, and other good things (as well as putting your laundry away). This is a hill I’m willing to die on, and (as is probably obvious), I wouldn’t be settling for less, just because it’s an academic post. The narrative that you have to give up on any kind of life to make it as an academic is false, and, I think, often propagated in order to avoid other responsibilities. It’s possible to be a successful academic and NOT always take the next job somewhere else, because you care about your life and your partner’s life. I appreciate that’s a fairly cynical take, but it absolutely bears out in my experience.
My suggestion would be to agree to go with him to the visiting professorship and see how you get on. Talk a lot about workloads and jobs and interests and both of your social circles and connections in the cities you are in. Talk a lot about day to day life for him and his expectations of workload and yours. Your job is flexible (congrats on the novel!) and that’s great, but having a good life in a city you like with friends and family is super important. Have some very important talks about how he views your work and what he envisions childcare arrangements to be like. Academia can be extremely flexible – the ~20% of the academic couples I know where childcare doesn’t fall to the women have great arrangements which are helped by the flexibility of academic work. Both partners can take a day off a week and be with the kid while they are little, for example. Both partners can keep their schedule flexible for pickup/drop off and holidays. They get to travel to cool places and sometimes take their partners and kids!
Gosh, that ended up being long. But I suppose my overall advice is to talk a lot about this with him, and make it less about being an academic, and more generally about your lives together (or together but living apart). Most academic jobs are pretty flexible – could he come and stay with you out of term time, for example? I'd quite strongly want him to figure stuff out and do that as well as you travelling all the time. But you also have time to see how that works out without having to make big decisions, as you have some flexibility at the moment.
I do empathise with wanting to be together more (I’m actually in that situation now where my gf lives about an hour away), and it’s hard. I’m supposed to be a strong independent woman, and I’m pining away like a tortured teenager ;p But hopefully there’s a bit of room to experiment and try to find a fair solution.
posted by sedimentary_deer at 3:43 AM on November 29 [20 favorites]
I am an academic-adjacent researcher (I don't work for a university any more - but I work for a research council and I have students etc.). I was with an academic for 13 years, and we moved once for her job and once for my job across the UK (we are both women and this was pre-pandemic, with less remote work). I also went with her for 3 months of a sabbatical abroad. I would agree that any academic job comes with the caveat that you often have to move, and that trailing spouses/partners are very common. HOWEVER, I think it's possible to do this fairly, and I can completely empathise with being wary. In my experience (lots and lots of friends who are couples in academia), where the moving involves straight couples, it's always almost the women who 'follows' and misses out.
I can also completely sympathise about not wanting to move for ‘a man’. Unfortunately, given that we all live in a pretty patriarchal society, I would agree that is a big deal, and something to keep in mind. I don’t think it’s reductive or sexist, and I think it’s a big issue and part of your identify – not something to be dismissed.
I also completely agree with the above comment that academic jobs are not necessarily the big giant hard deal that some people make them out to be. My ex and I are both successful academics (she is now a professor, we both publish, we have students, we both studied and worked at big deal universities etc.), and both worked hard, but we had time to have quality time together, take holidays, and share the load at home. I have seen SO MANY TIMES the dynamic of ‘I’m an important academic and I can’t do ANYTHING but my incredibly important work. Non-academic or part time female partner must do all the household work and bow down to my incredible important job’. Honestly, I would say this is the dynamic in about 80% of the straight academic couples I know and it drives me BANANAS. Of course I’m not saying this is the case for you – but I include this because it’s just such a dominant trope in this area.
It is absolutely 100% possible to be a high-flying professor in the UK and also have time for a partner, a life, and other good things (as well as putting your laundry away). This is a hill I’m willing to die on, and (as is probably obvious), I wouldn’t be settling for less, just because it’s an academic post. The narrative that you have to give up on any kind of life to make it as an academic is false, and, I think, often propagated in order to avoid other responsibilities. It’s possible to be a successful academic and NOT always take the next job somewhere else, because you care about your life and your partner’s life. I appreciate that’s a fairly cynical take, but it absolutely bears out in my experience.
My suggestion would be to agree to go with him to the visiting professorship and see how you get on. Talk a lot about workloads and jobs and interests and both of your social circles and connections in the cities you are in. Talk a lot about day to day life for him and his expectations of workload and yours. Your job is flexible (congrats on the novel!) and that’s great, but having a good life in a city you like with friends and family is super important. Have some very important talks about how he views your work and what he envisions childcare arrangements to be like. Academia can be extremely flexible – the ~20% of the academic couples I know where childcare doesn’t fall to the women have great arrangements which are helped by the flexibility of academic work. Both partners can take a day off a week and be with the kid while they are little, for example. Both partners can keep their schedule flexible for pickup/drop off and holidays. They get to travel to cool places and sometimes take their partners and kids!
Gosh, that ended up being long. But I suppose my overall advice is to talk a lot about this with him, and make it less about being an academic, and more generally about your lives together (or together but living apart). Most academic jobs are pretty flexible – could he come and stay with you out of term time, for example? I'd quite strongly want him to figure stuff out and do that as well as you travelling all the time. But you also have time to see how that works out without having to make big decisions, as you have some flexibility at the moment.
I do empathise with wanting to be together more (I’m actually in that situation now where my gf lives about an hour away), and it’s hard. I’m supposed to be a strong independent woman, and I’m pining away like a tortured teenager ;p But hopefully there’s a bit of room to experiment and try to find a fair solution.
posted by sedimentary_deer at 3:43 AM on November 29 [20 favorites]
Listen, if you can maintain your career and make a good life for yourself in the places you're moving to, it's okay to move for a relationship. Life is short and real connection is precious. Forget the optics, but do make sure you are included in all of it: your career, your social life, your connection to your family, your general happiness.
Since you're thinking ahead to multiple moves, the one thing I will add, aside from being sure that he is willing to take your needs and preferences into account when applying to/accepting future jobs, is: do not have children in a place you are not willing to live for a very long time. I would say in general do not move to a place where you would not want to live for a long time because life has a way of sucking people in, but the kids thing is the big one. A move can be temporary as long as it's just you, but if the two of you do decide to become parents and the relationship ends, you have to be prepared to have trailed yourself into a long-term living wherever you find yourself.
posted by wormtales at 7:46 AM on November 29 [4 favorites]
Since you're thinking ahead to multiple moves, the one thing I will add, aside from being sure that he is willing to take your needs and preferences into account when applying to/accepting future jobs, is: do not have children in a place you are not willing to live for a very long time. I would say in general do not move to a place where you would not want to live for a long time because life has a way of sucking people in, but the kids thing is the big one. A move can be temporary as long as it's just you, but if the two of you do decide to become parents and the relationship ends, you have to be prepared to have trailed yourself into a long-term living wherever you find yourself.
posted by wormtales at 7:46 AM on November 29 [4 favorites]
I did this! I couldn’t handle sacrificing my career for his and ended up moving to a city 2.5 hours away after a few years. We’re divorced now and I have all the independence I want. My biggest suggestion would be to talk about it with a therapist, because you are not me, and I think that this is a very thorny issue that can’t really be answered succinctly by a stranger.
One reminder that I will echo is that no decision has to be permanent, as my experience makes clear.
posted by sugarbomb at 9:29 AM on November 29 [3 favorites]
One reminder that I will echo is that no decision has to be permanent, as my experience makes clear.
posted by sugarbomb at 9:29 AM on November 29 [3 favorites]
My now-husband moved for my career but first he wanted the security of a ring on his finger so we got married at the registry office before moving. It's now over a decade later and we're still ridiculously happy. It doesn't have to be about gender - maybe the genders in your case are just a coincidence? If they were a coincidence, would that enable you to feel comfortable enough to do what you want (which it seems to me is to move for the relationship)? Would you want to be married first? If so, why don't you propose?
posted by hazyjane at 11:43 AM on November 29 [3 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 11:43 AM on November 29 [3 favorites]
You aren't exactly a trailing spouse when you bring your job with you.
As long as the spouse realizes and respects that that’s what you’re doing. Suggest reading Maggie Smith (the poet, not the actress)’s recent memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, for what it looks like when he doesn’t. Already not great that he’s treating your work as subordinate when it comes to travel. I’d like to think that’s because it’s portable, but…men are men. How does he treat your work when you’re staying together?
posted by praemunire at 9:42 AM on November 30 [3 favorites]
As long as the spouse realizes and respects that that’s what you’re doing. Suggest reading Maggie Smith (the poet, not the actress)’s recent memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, for what it looks like when he doesn’t. Already not great that he’s treating your work as subordinate when it comes to travel. I’d like to think that’s because it’s portable, but…men are men. How does he treat your work when you’re staying together?
posted by praemunire at 9:42 AM on November 30 [3 favorites]
Sharing my perspective; feel free to reach out with any questions, or to just talk.
My spouse is a diplomat and when we met, I was already committed to a life of travel, which made committing to the lifestyle a moot point. Although there is of course the aspect of me seemingly trailing the diplomat's job, we make all decisions together, as a team, because of what works for both of us, and after lengthy discussions and investigations. Both our jobs serve us, not the other way around, and we both come first, not the jobs. As I am female-presenting in what seems to be a cithet relationship, people make assumptions, but: 1) we set them straight; 2) who cares about what others think, this is my life and I will do what I can to be happy living it.
posted by mkdirusername at 12:00 PM on November 30 [2 favorites]
My spouse is a diplomat and when we met, I was already committed to a life of travel, which made committing to the lifestyle a moot point. Although there is of course the aspect of me seemingly trailing the diplomat's job, we make all decisions together, as a team, because of what works for both of us, and after lengthy discussions and investigations. Both our jobs serve us, not the other way around, and we both come first, not the jobs. As I am female-presenting in what seems to be a cithet relationship, people make assumptions, but: 1) we set them straight; 2) who cares about what others think, this is my life and I will do what I can to be happy living it.
posted by mkdirusername at 12:00 PM on November 30 [2 favorites]
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posted by Juniper Toast at 4:07 PM on November 28 [6 favorites]