Support for “out of sync” child
November 20, 2024 8:42 PM Subscribe
What kind of exercises / videos / books would you propose to help a kid who seems out of sync in terms of non verbal communication and inadvertently gives off intense or defensive vibes to other kids, thus missing genuine opportunities for connection.
Presume said kid is waitlisted for everything - all the therapists and assessments. What exercises, videos or books would you do with them in the mean time? Imagine the kid is terrified of rejection (even though kids at school are by all accounts kind and tolerant), and the kid doesn’t seem to be “at home” in their own skin but lives in their head a lot. So when paired with groups at school the feedback is that the kid is standoffish and tense and as such, missing genuine opportunities to connect with others. Kid may also fixate on topics of personal interest and can be exhausting for others. 9 years old.
Presume said kid is waitlisted for everything - all the therapists and assessments. What exercises, videos or books would you do with them in the mean time? Imagine the kid is terrified of rejection (even though kids at school are by all accounts kind and tolerant), and the kid doesn’t seem to be “at home” in their own skin but lives in their head a lot. So when paired with groups at school the feedback is that the kid is standoffish and tense and as such, missing genuine opportunities to connect with others. Kid may also fixate on topics of personal interest and can be exhausting for others. 9 years old.
Martial arts? I feel like martial arts could be good for creating a little more integration and calm in the body?
posted by vunder at 9:02 PM on November 20 [1 favorite]
posted by vunder at 9:02 PM on November 20 [1 favorite]
What NotLost said: this reminds me of my little-kid autistic self. I have a sort of orthogonal suggestion: in addition to exercises/videos/books could you arrange social interactions to set them up for success?
That is to say, a cooperative, clearly-defined task, goal, or game set for the kids, instead of open-ended group time. Basically, the big-kid equivalent of "parallel play." I was also "not at home in my own skin," and the hardest part about social interaction was stepping into a group of people, not being able to read the body language vibes, not knowing what to do/say, overthinking the fact that I didn't know what to do/say, and thus freezing up and seeming standoffish.
However, in settings where there were obviously defined rules, I was fine. If I was working on a group project and some preliminary goals/materials were made clear, I could start talking about that, instead of casting about for small talk and getting tense about it. If there was a board game, I could start setting up or explaining the board game. Instead of inviting a kid over "to play," which could end up being anything and would involve a lot of small talk and negotiation to decide, invite a kid over to watch a movie, and have that ready to go when they get there.
To be completely honest, I still rely on all of these strategies as an adult. They're camouflaged as "normal" adult behaviours (like having a book club, so that I have a defined topic to focus on at dinner if you run out of things to say) but they're exactly the same. When you have a set of guidelines, e.g. This Is What We're Doing, it's easier to figure out how to interact with a group of people, and if you're working on something together, it's easier to be focused on a third object than to be trying to read and respond to the other person's nonverbal communication. And then positive interactions often come naturally as a result of working on a goal together, which helps both people relax and increase rapport.
Hope I'm not too off with my interpretation here! I think these strategies could help in a lot of different cases, like anxiety and depression, not just autism (or, similarly, ADHD).
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 9:13 PM on November 20 [5 favorites]
That is to say, a cooperative, clearly-defined task, goal, or game set for the kids, instead of open-ended group time. Basically, the big-kid equivalent of "parallel play." I was also "not at home in my own skin," and the hardest part about social interaction was stepping into a group of people, not being able to read the body language vibes, not knowing what to do/say, overthinking the fact that I didn't know what to do/say, and thus freezing up and seeming standoffish.
However, in settings where there were obviously defined rules, I was fine. If I was working on a group project and some preliminary goals/materials were made clear, I could start talking about that, instead of casting about for small talk and getting tense about it. If there was a board game, I could start setting up or explaining the board game. Instead of inviting a kid over "to play," which could end up being anything and would involve a lot of small talk and negotiation to decide, invite a kid over to watch a movie, and have that ready to go when they get there.
To be completely honest, I still rely on all of these strategies as an adult. They're camouflaged as "normal" adult behaviours (like having a book club, so that I have a defined topic to focus on at dinner if you run out of things to say) but they're exactly the same. When you have a set of guidelines, e.g. This Is What We're Doing, it's easier to figure out how to interact with a group of people, and if you're working on something together, it's easier to be focused on a third object than to be trying to read and respond to the other person's nonverbal communication. And then positive interactions often come naturally as a result of working on a goal together, which helps both people relax and increase rapport.
Hope I'm not too off with my interpretation here! I think these strategies could help in a lot of different cases, like anxiety and depression, not just autism (or, similarly, ADHD).
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 9:13 PM on November 20 [5 favorites]
This is going to be very dependent on the kid whether or not it works with them, but I discovered it did with mine.
I legit EXPLAINED the body language. Like I was talking to an alien who'd never heard of the concept of body language.
It started one time when mine was about 13. He was hyperfocusing and talking someone's ear off, after youth group, and the person was giving off every vibe possible that "I need to end this conversation and go" and my kiddo was picking up on exactly none of it.
I interrupted and TOLD him we had to go, then in the car on the way home, I asked him if he'd noticed certain specific things that the person he was talking to was doing. (I don't remember now what the particular cues were in that moment; just assume they are very obvious ones that anyone else would understand.) He said yes, he'd noticed this and that. I asked if why they were doing those things. He said he saw them doing them, but didn't know why they were doing them. And so I explained that those are hints, a way to say something without words, that the person needed to end the conversation. And that the person was using those sort of as a way to not be rude and just say "Shut up, I have to leave" or just randomly walk off while he was talking.
Most importantly, I told him that if he saw people doing the same thing again, they *probably* meant the same thing by it - and he could find out by asking something like "oh, do you need to leave?" and then letting them. And (importantly) that by paying attention to and respecting those hints, he'd be making it so people would be *more likely* to want to talk to him again, because they'd feel more comfortable because they'd know he would respect when they needed to stop talking, too.
I was quite surprised, believe me, when it actually WORKED. Just that one thing made a huge difference in the way he interacted with others... and all I did was realize that it was a skill he could be taught - but it really had to be broken down into its parts like that, because he had zero baseline understanding to start with.
Saying this now, it reminds me a lot of the way a much smaller kid has to have things explained to them - like "don't say mean things, it hurts people's feelings and they might not want to play with you" - but where the average kid needs the subtle things explained, those like my son need it ALL explained.
In other words - my son is so literal that despite all the activities and groups he was involved in, he was never, ever going to naturally absorb the meanings of body language. But teaching him, in detail - that worked.
posted by stormyteal at 10:50 PM on November 20 [1 favorite]
I legit EXPLAINED the body language. Like I was talking to an alien who'd never heard of the concept of body language.
It started one time when mine was about 13. He was hyperfocusing and talking someone's ear off, after youth group, and the person was giving off every vibe possible that "I need to end this conversation and go" and my kiddo was picking up on exactly none of it.
I interrupted and TOLD him we had to go, then in the car on the way home, I asked him if he'd noticed certain specific things that the person he was talking to was doing. (I don't remember now what the particular cues were in that moment; just assume they are very obvious ones that anyone else would understand.) He said yes, he'd noticed this and that. I asked if why they were doing those things. He said he saw them doing them, but didn't know why they were doing them. And so I explained that those are hints, a way to say something without words, that the person needed to end the conversation. And that the person was using those sort of as a way to not be rude and just say "Shut up, I have to leave" or just randomly walk off while he was talking.
Most importantly, I told him that if he saw people doing the same thing again, they *probably* meant the same thing by it - and he could find out by asking something like "oh, do you need to leave?" and then letting them. And (importantly) that by paying attention to and respecting those hints, he'd be making it so people would be *more likely* to want to talk to him again, because they'd feel more comfortable because they'd know he would respect when they needed to stop talking, too.
I was quite surprised, believe me, when it actually WORKED. Just that one thing made a huge difference in the way he interacted with others... and all I did was realize that it was a skill he could be taught - but it really had to be broken down into its parts like that, because he had zero baseline understanding to start with.
Saying this now, it reminds me a lot of the way a much smaller kid has to have things explained to them - like "don't say mean things, it hurts people's feelings and they might not want to play with you" - but where the average kid needs the subtle things explained, those like my son need it ALL explained.
In other words - my son is so literal that despite all the activities and groups he was involved in, he was never, ever going to naturally absorb the meanings of body language. But teaching him, in detail - that worked.
posted by stormyteal at 10:50 PM on November 20 [1 favorite]
Defined activities were definitely helpful for me. I enjoyed various art classes, as well as individual sports (swimming, ice skating; as opposed to things like soccer).
I probably would have loved rock climbing, I certainly do as an adult, but it wasn’t a thing then. Physical activities that have more odd people (juggling, other circus arts like trapeze, etc) may be nice.
posted by nat at 11:35 PM on November 20
I probably would have loved rock climbing, I certainly do as an adult, but it wasn’t a thing then. Physical activities that have more odd people (juggling, other circus arts like trapeze, etc) may be nice.
posted by nat at 11:35 PM on November 20
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posted by NotLost at 8:50 PM on November 20