How to learn to be a warmer person?
November 5, 2024 3:38 AM Subscribe
I can be fun, enthusiastic, etc. in novel situations, but day to day I am a wet blanket. I want to be a warm blanket. How do I learn to be warmer in the mundane everyday moments when I am around others?
My default mode is wet blanket: nothing beats complaining, why bother with a facial expression when a blank face suffices? Never miss a good opportunity to sigh and huff and puff though, however extraordinarily minor the inconvenience.
I want to unlearn these habits and be someone who makes a room warmer, makes the everyday moments more pleasant. Doesn’t sweat the small stuff. Makes others feel comfortable, like I’m happy they’re here with me, even if we’re just doing mundane things. I like being around these people. What do I need to do to become one of these people?
My default mode is wet blanket: nothing beats complaining, why bother with a facial expression when a blank face suffices? Never miss a good opportunity to sigh and huff and puff though, however extraordinarily minor the inconvenience.
I want to unlearn these habits and be someone who makes a room warmer, makes the everyday moments more pleasant. Doesn’t sweat the small stuff. Makes others feel comfortable, like I’m happy they’re here with me, even if we’re just doing mundane things. I like being around these people. What do I need to do to become one of these people?
Any practice that fosters being in the moment/self awareness would help you catch yourself doing this and change course and in time even stop yourself.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:57 AM on November 5 [3 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:57 AM on November 5 [3 favorites]
Specifically about complaining: I've noticed that I sometimes use complaining in social situation when I'm feeling uncertain how to behave, or insecure about my social skills. Complaining is a quick fix, a easy way to connect to people. But it's limited and not great, as you've pointed out.
Being aware of my own uncertainty and the reason why I'm defaulting to complaining has helped me be more aware of what's going on.
As with all attempt to change behaviour, you're more likely to be successful if you try to replace a behaviour with something else, rather than simply STOP a behaviour.
Possibly replacing complaining with curiosity? And be aware of any negative self talk that might be going on "if I ask them about x, they might be annoyed" or "if I seem clueless about x topic they'll think I'm stupid" etc.
posted by Zumbador at 4:33 AM on November 5 [5 favorites]
Being aware of my own uncertainty and the reason why I'm defaulting to complaining has helped me be more aware of what's going on.
As with all attempt to change behaviour, you're more likely to be successful if you try to replace a behaviour with something else, rather than simply STOP a behaviour.
Possibly replacing complaining with curiosity? And be aware of any negative self talk that might be going on "if I ask them about x, they might be annoyed" or "if I seem clueless about x topic they'll think I'm stupid" etc.
posted by Zumbador at 4:33 AM on November 5 [5 favorites]
I think it has to start with how you see things. Long lineup at the cash? Ah well, that’s how it goes, it’s busy today. It’s raining? Nothing to do about that — maybe light some candles to make things brighter inside, or put on your raincoat and go for a walk anyway. Some things just do suck but wherever you can, try to accept it, change it, or make the best of it.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:22 AM on November 5
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:22 AM on November 5
What do you feel the best about day-to-day?
Do you know someone who you'd like to emulate in warmth?
How do you think about yourself on a daily basis?
My steps for a warm interaction:
- Greet someone with a big smile and handshake/hug/clap on the back, ask how they're doing, listen to their tone when they answer and try to ask an inquisitive follow-up.
- When I share, I try to be open about how I'm genuinely doing, even if I'm a little bummed about something or it feels vulnerable
- I share anecdotes about other people in my life, friends and family who I love, and I usually share goofy or silly stories that demonstrate why I love them
- if it's a group interaction I will ask someone an aside question or make a little joke to them that is just for them, clearly not for the whole group. I will often mention someome else present in the group and then pull that person into our more intimate sub-group, so we have a little side convo which makes it clear to both people that I specifically like talking to them
The biggest things are to talk about things you actually feel good about, and to ask people questions that make it clear you are interested/feel good about them.
posted by Summers at 5:29 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
Do you know someone who you'd like to emulate in warmth?
How do you think about yourself on a daily basis?
My steps for a warm interaction:
- Greet someone with a big smile and handshake/hug/clap on the back, ask how they're doing, listen to their tone when they answer and try to ask an inquisitive follow-up.
- When I share, I try to be open about how I'm genuinely doing, even if I'm a little bummed about something or it feels vulnerable
- I share anecdotes about other people in my life, friends and family who I love, and I usually share goofy or silly stories that demonstrate why I love them
- if it's a group interaction I will ask someone an aside question or make a little joke to them that is just for them, clearly not for the whole group. I will often mention someome else present in the group and then pull that person into our more intimate sub-group, so we have a little side convo which makes it clear to both people that I specifically like talking to them
The biggest things are to talk about things you actually feel good about, and to ask people questions that make it clear you are interested/feel good about them.
posted by Summers at 5:29 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
Do you have a good model for this persona?
It's pretty easy to absorb attitudes of habitual outrage, negativity and aggressive snark from popular and online culture, where these behaviors are ubiquitous and generally high-status. Even if the eye-roll, sigh or indignationfeel like your authentic reactions, it's quite likely there's some part of your lizard brain that long ago saw high-visibility people acting this way in sitcoms/ comedy routines/ late night TV/ Twitter/ Metafilter and is now convinced that copying them is a way for you to similarly seem cool and sophisticated in public. Monkey see, monkey do, so I think to effectively replace those patterns, it'd help to have some equally compelling models of optimism and warmth-- ideally, in people your age and of similar background, so that it's easier to translate to your own behavior. In the moment, it's much simpler to think "WW_D?" than to try to engage with an abstract concept like "gratitude" or "positivity."
I'm not sure where you can find such models, but I do think they were more common in media pre-1980s. In general, less atomized societies afford less leeway for people to be habitually unpleasant in day-to-day interactions.
posted by Bardolph at 5:31 AM on November 5 [12 favorites]
It's pretty easy to absorb attitudes of habitual outrage, negativity and aggressive snark from popular and online culture, where these behaviors are ubiquitous and generally high-status. Even if the eye-roll, sigh or indignationfeel like your authentic reactions, it's quite likely there's some part of your lizard brain that long ago saw high-visibility people acting this way in sitcoms/ comedy routines/ late night TV/ Twitter/ Metafilter and is now convinced that copying them is a way for you to similarly seem cool and sophisticated in public. Monkey see, monkey do, so I think to effectively replace those patterns, it'd help to have some equally compelling models of optimism and warmth-- ideally, in people your age and of similar background, so that it's easier to translate to your own behavior. In the moment, it's much simpler to think "WW_D?" than to try to engage with an abstract concept like "gratitude" or "positivity."
I'm not sure where you can find such models, but I do think they were more common in media pre-1980s. In general, less atomized societies afford less leeway for people to be habitually unpleasant in day-to-day interactions.
posted by Bardolph at 5:31 AM on November 5 [12 favorites]
I like being around these people. What do I need to do to become one of these people?
When you're around people, remind yourself that you like being around these specific people, remind yourself that their presence in your life is worth at least a little gratitude, and unlock your face enough to let some of that gratitude show.
If you find you need to lie to yourself to achieve the above, pick different people to be around.
posted by flabdablet at 5:32 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
When you're around people, remind yourself that you like being around these specific people, remind yourself that their presence in your life is worth at least a little gratitude, and unlock your face enough to let some of that gratitude show.
If you find you need to lie to yourself to achieve the above, pick different people to be around.
posted by flabdablet at 5:32 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
counterpoint; are any of the attributes you named about yourself really that bad? more specifically, why do you want to change these? Is it that you're unhappy with your social interactions at work / with friends / family? Is it that you've just had an internal epiphany about yourself? Is it based on observing someone else's wet-blanketing and thinking "oh god I don't want to be that person"?
a blank face isn't a bad thing. venting can be perfectly appropriate. being authentic about how you feel (huffing / sighing) isn't wrong. I've made some of my best friends because we were both rolling our eyes about the same ridiculous thing. And all of those things I could look at in someone else and think "ugh how petty and annoying!" but also... why should that person care what I think?
I do think the "why" of your question is important here because if you're coming from an external place of "I'm too much / I'm not enough" it can be a quickly slippery slope to reboot your whole personality... as someone who has attempted to do that in my life, I don't recommend it. I spent a lot of my 20s on the exact same quest you're about to embark on, and it destroyed my mental health and left me with both too many fake friends and poor-fit jobs that were genuinely terrible for my sense of self and well-being.
I am now in my mid-30s and living my crotchety, somewhat anti-social best life. smaller friend group, more self-acceptance. less enthusiastic performance reviews, more mental health at work. fewer social graces, less fucks given. more weird stimming and RBF out in the world, fewer forced smiles. someone who knew me at 25 could see me at 35 and think "wow... what a fall from grace!" because I no longer keep up with the joneses or mask my oddities/grumpy traits. but also, I no longer feel like I'm white knuckling through life 24/7. so really, who cares?
posted by seemoorglass at 5:39 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
a blank face isn't a bad thing. venting can be perfectly appropriate. being authentic about how you feel (huffing / sighing) isn't wrong. I've made some of my best friends because we were both rolling our eyes about the same ridiculous thing. And all of those things I could look at in someone else and think "ugh how petty and annoying!" but also... why should that person care what I think?
I do think the "why" of your question is important here because if you're coming from an external place of "I'm too much / I'm not enough" it can be a quickly slippery slope to reboot your whole personality... as someone who has attempted to do that in my life, I don't recommend it. I spent a lot of my 20s on the exact same quest you're about to embark on, and it destroyed my mental health and left me with both too many fake friends and poor-fit jobs that were genuinely terrible for my sense of self and well-being.
I am now in my mid-30s and living my crotchety, somewhat anti-social best life. smaller friend group, more self-acceptance. less enthusiastic performance reviews, more mental health at work. fewer social graces, less fucks given. more weird stimming and RBF out in the world, fewer forced smiles. someone who knew me at 25 could see me at 35 and think "wow... what a fall from grace!" because I no longer keep up with the joneses or mask my oddities/grumpy traits. but also, I no longer feel like I'm white knuckling through life 24/7. so really, who cares?
posted by seemoorglass at 5:39 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I wouldn't worry about your default facial expression, at least for now. But not complaining all the time seems like a good idea even if you were a hermit: I actually love a good complaint but if it's not just part of a complete breakfast it can be a kind of miserable way to look at the world. I agree that telling a complaint like it's humorous can also make things less heavy.
Seconding that role models can really help, even characters on TV shows potentially (slice of life shows usually have less unrealistically witty writing, though not always). Are you drawn to people who are always showing interest in the people around them, people who show interest in the things they're currently engaged in, people who have stories to tell about their lives, people who are mostly silent but when they do say something it's helpful or insightful, ? Paying attention to what behaviors you really like can help you start adding them a little to your repertoire of habits.
posted by trig at 6:33 AM on November 5 [1 favorite]
Seconding that role models can really help, even characters on TV shows potentially (slice of life shows usually have less unrealistically witty writing, though not always). Are you drawn to people who are always showing interest in the people around them, people who show interest in the things they're currently engaged in, people who have stories to tell about their lives, people who are mostly silent but when they do say something it's helpful or insightful, ? Paying attention to what behaviors you really like can help you start adding them a little to your repertoire of habits.
posted by trig at 6:33 AM on November 5 [1 favorite]
Give more compliments. Like, an hour into hanging out with someone, say something really nice.
Sample compliments:
-It's always nice to hang out with you
-You're so funny
-You're so knowledgeable
-You really aced that thing the other day.
-I was thinking about the thing you did last week and how you totally nailed it
-Thanks for making a boring day fun
-You really bring good vibes
-You're the perfect person for that
Everyone likes a compliment and it will light them up and warm up the whole interaction and future interactions as well. Ideally do it alone, not in front of others. Plus it will buy you tons of grace when you revert to grumpy moments!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:53 AM on November 5 [3 favorites]
Sample compliments:
-It's always nice to hang out with you
-You're so funny
-You're so knowledgeable
-You really aced that thing the other day.
-I was thinking about the thing you did last week and how you totally nailed it
-Thanks for making a boring day fun
-You really bring good vibes
-You're the perfect person for that
Everyone likes a compliment and it will light them up and warm up the whole interaction and future interactions as well. Ideally do it alone, not in front of others. Plus it will buy you tons of grace when you revert to grumpy moments!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:53 AM on November 5 [3 favorites]
1) Watch other people do the thing you'd like to do
2) Start trying to imitate it even if it feels weird
3) Practice, i.e. keep at it
posted by less-of-course at 7:05 AM on November 5 [3 favorites]
2) Start trying to imitate it even if it feels weird
3) Practice, i.e. keep at it
posted by less-of-course at 7:05 AM on November 5 [3 favorites]
Read the Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane
posted by saturdaymornings at 7:12 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
posted by saturdaymornings at 7:12 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
When you notice you're about to complain, sigh, etc. you could try to make a conscious effort to do a 180 and observe something nice instead. Pay a compliment. Mention how good the coffee is, the weather is nice, isn't it great that The Cure are still making albums... whatever you can find to say something nice about and mean it, even a bit.
I'm not suggesting toxic positivity here. You're still entitled to grumble about real problems. You don't have to find the silver lining in a day when everything has gone truly wrong. But if negativity is your default setting, you can work on turning that around. Look for things you like about your surroundings, people, events, etc.
One of the things I also do is try to stockpile awful puns and dad jokes that are real groaners (but suitable for most audiences). If I'm at a loss for something to say in an awkward silence, I try to think of some horrible pun I can deploy and bask in the warm glow of watching people try to shake it off.
Anytime I'm feeling a bit too in my feels in a social setting I'll take a quick browse through some photo albums on my phone of my cats and or my nieces. I don't have to fake a smile after that, it comes naturally. You can, of course, substitute anything that might work well for you in that situation.
posted by jzb at 7:54 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
I'm not suggesting toxic positivity here. You're still entitled to grumble about real problems. You don't have to find the silver lining in a day when everything has gone truly wrong. But if negativity is your default setting, you can work on turning that around. Look for things you like about your surroundings, people, events, etc.
One of the things I also do is try to stockpile awful puns and dad jokes that are real groaners (but suitable for most audiences). If I'm at a loss for something to say in an awkward silence, I try to think of some horrible pun I can deploy and bask in the warm glow of watching people try to shake it off.
Anytime I'm feeling a bit too in my feels in a social setting I'll take a quick browse through some photo albums on my phone of my cats and or my nieces. I don't have to fake a smile after that, it comes naturally. You can, of course, substitute anything that might work well for you in that situation.
posted by jzb at 7:54 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
Great suggestions so far. I strive to be a warm and kind person and have found loving kindness meditations to be very helpful in that regard. I find when I have a regular practice on compassion and kindness like meditation it is much easier to embody those attributes in my day to day interactions. Especially with difficult people or situations. I have the calm app and use their loving kindness meditation, but you can find one on YouTube as well if you wanted to give it a try.
posted by snowysoul at 8:00 AM on November 5
posted by snowysoul at 8:00 AM on November 5
How do you feel about treating yourself warmly? There are lots of good suggestions here for external tweaks, and I think they will get you part of the way there. I also think that if you want to be a warmer person, you have to be a warmer person, and part of that is cultivating some genuine inner hospitality. Depending on how you currently relate to your needs and emotions that can be a significant project, but when it's authentically there it has a way of radiating outwards that people can feel.
posted by wormtales at 8:03 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
posted by wormtales at 8:03 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
(Outside of my edit window, but I want to add, along the lines of what seemoorglass is saying: you can do these things without totally changing who you are. I am a warm person who openly broadcasts my affection and appreciation for the people in my life. I also really love being a little bit of a hater sometimes, and my favorite people and the ones for whom I am most grateful are the ones who have the range to appreciate me at different points along that spectrum, because being alternately cantankerous and loving is a real reflection of who I am. I think being warmer in the sense of making people feel good is a fantastic goal in and of itself, and you can absolutely do it in a way that incorporates your core personality and setpoints.)
posted by wormtales at 8:20 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
posted by wormtales at 8:20 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]
Doesn’t sweat the small stuff.
At the risk of greatly oversimplifying: start there. There is an absolutely astounding amount of everyday mundanity/annoyance you can just...let go of. Too hot/cold/rainy? Who cares? It's the same weather for everyone! Traffic crappy on the way to/from where you are? So what? You're there now, and guess what, it was bad for everyone else who traveled there too.
My point is, there are things you can control in your life, and there are things you can't. For the things you can't control - weather, traffic, other people's behaviors that irritate you - try very hard to just let them roll off your back. Note them, shrug them off, and go on about your day. Not everything needs to be commented on, or even internally judged - life's too short.
nothing beats complaining
Lots of things do! Telling someone you're happy to see them, for one. Enjoying the company of your friends while listening to their stories about their day. Talking about things you've done, movies/TV shows you've seen, asking for recommendations about things to do from your friends...all of these things easily beat complaining about the irritant du jour.
You don't have to be artificially happy all the time. You don't have to plaster a fake smile on your face - in fact, you shouldn't really try to make your face be anything other than what it is. But as far as your mindset and interactions go, try make your default thought "why is this annoying". Try to shift your mindset about whatever enters your head towards something neutral or finding something positive in it. It may take time and will take practice, but it's worth doing - and the people around you will appreciate it.
posted by pdb at 9:13 AM on November 5 [1 favorite]
At the risk of greatly oversimplifying: start there. There is an absolutely astounding amount of everyday mundanity/annoyance you can just...let go of. Too hot/cold/rainy? Who cares? It's the same weather for everyone! Traffic crappy on the way to/from where you are? So what? You're there now, and guess what, it was bad for everyone else who traveled there too.
My point is, there are things you can control in your life, and there are things you can't. For the things you can't control - weather, traffic, other people's behaviors that irritate you - try very hard to just let them roll off your back. Note them, shrug them off, and go on about your day. Not everything needs to be commented on, or even internally judged - life's too short.
nothing beats complaining
Lots of things do! Telling someone you're happy to see them, for one. Enjoying the company of your friends while listening to their stories about their day. Talking about things you've done, movies/TV shows you've seen, asking for recommendations about things to do from your friends...all of these things easily beat complaining about the irritant du jour.
You don't have to be artificially happy all the time. You don't have to plaster a fake smile on your face - in fact, you shouldn't really try to make your face be anything other than what it is. But as far as your mindset and interactions go, try make your default thought "why is this annoying". Try to shift your mindset about whatever enters your head towards something neutral or finding something positive in it. It may take time and will take practice, but it's worth doing - and the people around you will appreciate it.
posted by pdb at 9:13 AM on November 5 [1 favorite]
Talk about things you're interested in, rather than things you're worried about.
posted by exceptinsects at 10:06 AM on November 5 [1 favorite]
posted by exceptinsects at 10:06 AM on November 5 [1 favorite]
I recently made a similar sort of shift, along with some changes in my personal life (a divorce, a move, a death in the family) that shook my foundations. The thing that had the biggest impact on me is keeping a daily gratitude list. I write two things every day that I am grateful for. At first, I found this really hard, so I allowed repeats. For example, I could write "I am grateful for my dog's companionship" multiple times a week. After a while, I noticed that the gratitude list got easier, so I now have a rule that I can't repeat within the same week. I can be grateful for my dog's companionship one day, but the next day, if it's about my dog, it has to be about a walk we took or some other thing.
Over time, this practice of gratitude seeped into my tiny, cold, dark soul. I noticed that I became warmer around people and that I am more likely to notice things that I like, enjoy or am grateful for in my interactions with others. That reinforced to me that it is a practice, and that practice has improved my ability to notice good things, and noticing good things makes me a warmer person.
On November 1, I realized the gratitude list was again getting too easy, so I upped it to three things per day.
posted by OrangeDisk at 10:53 AM on November 5 [1 favorite]
Over time, this practice of gratitude seeped into my tiny, cold, dark soul. I noticed that I became warmer around people and that I am more likely to notice things that I like, enjoy or am grateful for in my interactions with others. That reinforced to me that it is a practice, and that practice has improved my ability to notice good things, and noticing good things makes me a warmer person.
On November 1, I realized the gratitude list was again getting too easy, so I upped it to three things per day.
posted by OrangeDisk at 10:53 AM on November 5 [1 favorite]
But as far as your mindset and interactions go, try make your default thought "why is this annoying"
That should read "try not to make your default thought "why is this annoying".
posted by pdb at 10:55 AM on November 5
That should read "try not to make your default thought "why is this annoying".
posted by pdb at 10:55 AM on November 5
I achieve this mindset by imagining every few days how I'd feel if my loved one died. I'd miss them terribly and would give a lot if I could just go to the supermarket with them one more time, or the gas station, or wait in line together.
Once I saw a movie where a guy had a dream about jogging. He was running outdoors and he started crying and was overcome with joy. I was thinking, "What's the big deal? He's just jogging". Then he woke up, and the audience saw that he was paralyzed. Suddenly I had a new perspective about an activity that I usually consider mundane and in fact unpleasant. I try to apply this mindset to many things in everyday life.
posted by sandwich at 11:54 AM on November 5 [3 favorites]
Once I saw a movie where a guy had a dream about jogging. He was running outdoors and he started crying and was overcome with joy. I was thinking, "What's the big deal? He's just jogging". Then he woke up, and the audience saw that he was paralyzed. Suddenly I had a new perspective about an activity that I usually consider mundane and in fact unpleasant. I try to apply this mindset to many things in everyday life.
posted by sandwich at 11:54 AM on November 5 [3 favorites]
Expanding on what @sandwich said: I try to be warm and look on the bright side because I simply never know when my daughter, or my wife, or myself will get hit by a bus and die. And I don't want anyone's last memory of our time together to be dominated by an image of me huffing and scowling around the place like a little asshole.
I used to be more like that, but I dropped the habit like a hot brick once I realised how much I was bringing down the mood and casting a shadow over my own life, and how little time I'm going to get on Earth with the people I love.
posted by june_dodecahedron at 1:04 PM on November 5 [2 favorites]
I used to be more like that, but I dropped the habit like a hot brick once I realised how much I was bringing down the mood and casting a shadow over my own life, and how little time I'm going to get on Earth with the people I love.
posted by june_dodecahedron at 1:04 PM on November 5 [2 favorites]
How are your overall general conversational skills? Do you ask other people about what's going on with their life and then really listen and engage? Are you curious?
I find that a lot of the wet blankets in my life seem very self-absorbed and want to huff and puff about all the ways in which they have been slighted in life and often never get around to asking me what's going on because it seems like they are more interested in venting than having a genuine conversation. Or they have no idea how to hit the metaphorical conversational ball back and forth.
Like a classic wet blanket move if you respond to something like "Hey how about that baseball game last night?" with "Ugh! I hate sports! So stupid and useless" well.... you just made it really hard for us to continue the conversation. But you could respond instead with "You know that wasn't on my radar, what should I know about it?" or "You know, it wasn't on my radar, but I went to a super fun concert last night, have you ever heard of [band]?"
posted by mostly vowels at 4:24 PM on November 5 [3 favorites]
I find that a lot of the wet blankets in my life seem very self-absorbed and want to huff and puff about all the ways in which they have been slighted in life and often never get around to asking me what's going on because it seems like they are more interested in venting than having a genuine conversation. Or they have no idea how to hit the metaphorical conversational ball back and forth.
Like a classic wet blanket move if you respond to something like "Hey how about that baseball game last night?" with "Ugh! I hate sports! So stupid and useless" well.... you just made it really hard for us to continue the conversation. But you could respond instead with "You know that wasn't on my radar, what should I know about it?" or "You know, it wasn't on my radar, but I went to a super fun concert last night, have you ever heard of [band]?"
posted by mostly vowels at 4:24 PM on November 5 [3 favorites]
Backing way way up, have you considered whether you generally approach the world judgmentally rather than observationally? This is not a criticism, just something to note – mindfulness practices can really help if your general response to things is judging rather than observing. This doesn’t just apply to judging people, but it can be a habit that bleeds into every area of your life.
When you notice it is raining out, is your first thought that it sucks (or is good?) When you wake up at 8 AM, is your first thought that it’s better to wake up at 8 then whenever you woke up yesterday? That’s normal to some extent, but if it is primarily how you approach things then you might be well served by trying to be less judgmental overall.
Again, not a criticism! Some judgment is necessary to operate in the world and it’s not always a bad habit. But what I’m hearing from you is that judgment is not working well for you because it is being expressed as complaining and you’re not feeling like you’re making good connections as a result.
Another thing that can help when you feel like you’re not sure what to say is to really focus on being a great listener. Are you acting interested? Are you validating what they’re saying when that’s appropriate? Are you asking questions about things they have talked about before? This is a really good trick when you’re feeling self-conscious – focus on keeping the spotlight on the other person in a gentle, easy-going way.
posted by knobknosher at 6:12 PM on November 5 [3 favorites]
When you notice it is raining out, is your first thought that it sucks (or is good?) When you wake up at 8 AM, is your first thought that it’s better to wake up at 8 then whenever you woke up yesterday? That’s normal to some extent, but if it is primarily how you approach things then you might be well served by trying to be less judgmental overall.
Again, not a criticism! Some judgment is necessary to operate in the world and it’s not always a bad habit. But what I’m hearing from you is that judgment is not working well for you because it is being expressed as complaining and you’re not feeling like you’re making good connections as a result.
Another thing that can help when you feel like you’re not sure what to say is to really focus on being a great listener. Are you acting interested? Are you validating what they’re saying when that’s appropriate? Are you asking questions about things they have talked about before? This is a really good trick when you’re feeling self-conscious – focus on keeping the spotlight on the other person in a gentle, easy-going way.
posted by knobknosher at 6:12 PM on November 5 [3 favorites]
Another tip – if you feel comfortable with someone, and you find yourself complaining, it’s OK to be vulnerable and say “wow, I’ve been complaining a lot - trying to get out of that habit but it’s hard!” Decent friends will get it and be sympathetic, knowing that you acknowledge the behavior will go a long way to them giving you leeway if it has been annoying them
posted by knobknosher at 6:17 PM on November 5
posted by knobknosher at 6:17 PM on November 5
Makes others feel comfortable, like I’m happy they’re here with me, even if we’re just doing mundane things. I like being around these people. What do I need to do to become one of these people?
Consider the concept of psychological safety.
Imagine you are happy about something, or just feeling pretty good in general, and someone else has realized that there is something to criticize about the situation. If they go ahead and make that criticism, now you either have to defend your happiness (either in an argument, or just to yourself) or give it up. They've made it feel like being happy is something that makes you vulnerable, something that might not be safe around them.
Now imagine switching those roles. They're happy, you have noticed something to criticize about that thing -- in a sense, about their happiness. Do you feel like they're maybe endangering you by inviting you to let your guard down and share the happiness? Do you feel like complaining is a kind of self-defense, keeping your perceptions clear, keeping you from being deceived?
Thinking about these dynamics might help you understand why you feel pulled to complain, why you feel comfortable with what you characterize (but others might not) as a blank facial expression, what currently makes you feel safe, and what you need in order to continue to feel safe even as you become more open to positive emotional expression in day-to-day interaction.
posted by brainwane at 11:39 AM on November 7
Consider the concept of psychological safety.
Imagine you are happy about something, or just feeling pretty good in general, and someone else has realized that there is something to criticize about the situation. If they go ahead and make that criticism, now you either have to defend your happiness (either in an argument, or just to yourself) or give it up. They've made it feel like being happy is something that makes you vulnerable, something that might not be safe around them.
Now imagine switching those roles. They're happy, you have noticed something to criticize about that thing -- in a sense, about their happiness. Do you feel like they're maybe endangering you by inviting you to let your guard down and share the happiness? Do you feel like complaining is a kind of self-defense, keeping your perceptions clear, keeping you from being deceived?
Thinking about these dynamics might help you understand why you feel pulled to complain, why you feel comfortable with what you characterize (but others might not) as a blank facial expression, what currently makes you feel safe, and what you need in order to continue to feel safe even as you become more open to positive emotional expression in day-to-day interaction.
posted by brainwane at 11:39 AM on November 7
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I've developed a habit of finding the silly and ridiculous elements of any misfortune; it helps that a lot of the scrapes I get into have been kind of ridiculous. It's a bit of a blessing because I end up being able to laugh at the situations I get into instead of getting upset, and that keeps my mood up in general. I do still complain about things, but my "complaining" is more about "dude, you're not gonna BELIEVE how crazy this is, haha" than it is "oh poor me".
I suspect that may be a small enough attitude shift you could try, that could help overall. Lots of things that happen to us all have an element of the ridiculous in them; try finding it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:44 AM on November 5 [2 favorites]