Wife wanting to homeschool our kids. I am absolutely opposed to it. HELP
November 2, 2024 8:55 AM Subscribe
My wife is a great and caring mom, truly giving 100% to our two young kids. She is also always on social media, and slowly her algorithm is filled with anti school/ pro home schooling propaganda. She is afraid of either our kids being abused or indoctrinated. We do live in the country and our school system is overall relatively poor/underfunded. She is a full time stay at home mom. She has no background in education.
I'm writing this with a heavy heart and a little bit scared overall.
My wife is a great and caring mom, truly giving 100% to our two young kids. She is also always on social media, and slowly her algorithm is filled with anti school/ pro home schooling propaganda. She is afraid of either our kids being abused or indoctrinated. We do live in the country and our school system is overall relatively poor/underfunded. She is a full time stay at home mom. She has no background in education.
I am terrified that our kids will be socially stunted, without same aged peers and resent us years afterwards of denying them such a crucial, life defining experience. In my opinion, being socially adjusted, having friends and having a "normal childhood" trumps any real or invented home schooling benefits.
I offered a compromise, which is to pay for private schools and drive the kids to and from said private schools, which is 45 minutes each way. She is still very much against that. She is saying we'll need to see counseling about it as there is no compromising on this, they either go to school or not.
Every time I try to talk about it, she either avoids the subject, or saying its too early to talk about. The way I see it, less then three years from now is not to early to talk about and decide.
To give some more additional context, this is not about extreme religious up bringing, she is just a very anxious person and is very over protective. Neither of us were home schooled, nor anyone in our extended family. Her mother, who i like and get along overall, is also constantly whispering in her ear to not send our kids to school. I will talk to her soon and tell her she is doing more harm then good and this is our household and not hers and to keep those opinions to herself on the matter. And of course, the constant social media bombardment and the increasingly extreme algorithm paints a very stark image of any schooling in her mind, where kids are abused/molested ignored, taught to hate their country, taught to doubt their sexuality and so on and so on. Those 1% edge cases become the 90% norm, in her mind.
As you are probably aware, you can google information that supports any worldview, so for every thing I try to share with her she sends me something that supports her opinion.
What else can I do? Are there any documentaries you recommend? Any other forums? I am not sure what I can do and how we can both be happy and compromise. We both love our kids and want the best for them but each thinks of a different route to achieve that goal.
I am pretty scared and anxious and need help on this,
Thank you so much for reading and I would really appreciate some input
I'm writing this with a heavy heart and a little bit scared overall.
My wife is a great and caring mom, truly giving 100% to our two young kids. She is also always on social media, and slowly her algorithm is filled with anti school/ pro home schooling propaganda. She is afraid of either our kids being abused or indoctrinated. We do live in the country and our school system is overall relatively poor/underfunded. She is a full time stay at home mom. She has no background in education.
I am terrified that our kids will be socially stunted, without same aged peers and resent us years afterwards of denying them such a crucial, life defining experience. In my opinion, being socially adjusted, having friends and having a "normal childhood" trumps any real or invented home schooling benefits.
I offered a compromise, which is to pay for private schools and drive the kids to and from said private schools, which is 45 minutes each way. She is still very much against that. She is saying we'll need to see counseling about it as there is no compromising on this, they either go to school or not.
Every time I try to talk about it, she either avoids the subject, or saying its too early to talk about. The way I see it, less then three years from now is not to early to talk about and decide.
To give some more additional context, this is not about extreme religious up bringing, she is just a very anxious person and is very over protective. Neither of us were home schooled, nor anyone in our extended family. Her mother, who i like and get along overall, is also constantly whispering in her ear to not send our kids to school. I will talk to her soon and tell her she is doing more harm then good and this is our household and not hers and to keep those opinions to herself on the matter. And of course, the constant social media bombardment and the increasingly extreme algorithm paints a very stark image of any schooling in her mind, where kids are abused/molested ignored, taught to hate their country, taught to doubt their sexuality and so on and so on. Those 1% edge cases become the 90% norm, in her mind.
As you are probably aware, you can google information that supports any worldview, so for every thing I try to share with her she sends me something that supports her opinion.
What else can I do? Are there any documentaries you recommend? Any other forums? I am not sure what I can do and how we can both be happy and compromise. We both love our kids and want the best for them but each thinks of a different route to achieve that goal.
I am pretty scared and anxious and need help on this,
Thank you so much for reading and I would really appreciate some input
Are you engaged in your local parent community? Knowing parents with older siblings in the public school system can help quite a bit. Enrolling kids in school is scary and having trusted friends to help you understand the process can be a big help. (I'm writing this from a city with massive drama in its city-wide consolidated school district, which is also under-resourced and scary, and having parents of school-aged kids to talk through the process with really helped us when our oldest was entering Kindergarten.)
posted by kdar at 9:18 AM on November 2 [14 favorites]
posted by kdar at 9:18 AM on November 2 [14 favorites]
If you think she would respond better to talking to someone with individual experience, I would be happy to offer that. I was homeschooled for much of my life, but had a year in private school and a year in public school in high school so I can compare the experiences pretty directly.
Either way, one of the things I would highlight is that having a broad social group of same-age peers is protective against abuse, because having other kids to talk to helps children understand what is normal treatment from adults and what is not. I didn’t recognize most of the abuse I experienced until I attended a public school because I just thought that was how parents treated their kids. Of course, your wife is not afraid of you or her abusing your kids, presumably, but there are still going to be other family members and adults in their lives that could abuse them. The more supportive children and other adults in their lives, the more likely they will be to realize something is wrong and tell someone about it.
Parents considering homeschooling also often think that they will fill their kids’ lives up with other social activities to compensate for not being in school. But these don’t replace school relationships at all, because the options are generally only weekly. It takes on average 11 interactions for someone to become friends—at once a week that’s almost 3 months. But in school, where you interact daily, it’s 3 weeks. You also get access to a broader range of potential friends instead of getting stuck in a small group you may or may not be accepted into. So the experiences aren’t equivalent at all.
posted by brook horse at 9:20 AM on November 2 [20 favorites]
Either way, one of the things I would highlight is that having a broad social group of same-age peers is protective against abuse, because having other kids to talk to helps children understand what is normal treatment from adults and what is not. I didn’t recognize most of the abuse I experienced until I attended a public school because I just thought that was how parents treated their kids. Of course, your wife is not afraid of you or her abusing your kids, presumably, but there are still going to be other family members and adults in their lives that could abuse them. The more supportive children and other adults in their lives, the more likely they will be to realize something is wrong and tell someone about it.
Parents considering homeschooling also often think that they will fill their kids’ lives up with other social activities to compensate for not being in school. But these don’t replace school relationships at all, because the options are generally only weekly. It takes on average 11 interactions for someone to become friends—at once a week that’s almost 3 months. But in school, where you interact daily, it’s 3 weeks. You also get access to a broader range of potential friends instead of getting stuck in a small group you may or may not be accepted into. So the experiences aren’t equivalent at all.
posted by brook horse at 9:20 AM on November 2 [20 favorites]
Slightly out of left field suggestion: I wonder if spending some time consciously "cult proofing" your kids (which is similarly protective against abuse, peer pressure, etc.) might be a way to approach this? If she's anxious about what others might do to the kids, then the anxiety-driven solution is to keep them locked up at home forever but the empowering solution is to consciously understand that helping them develop secure attachments, resilience, and emotional awareness will help them navigate challenging and even potentially abusive situations.
I have heard recommendations for The Attachment Nerd, and she was recently on the "A Little Bit Culty" podcast talking about this. The book "Trauma Proofing Your Kids" by Peter Levine might also be helpful.
It sounds like your kids are really young if you still have several years before they're in school. Regardless of what happens, helping them develop these skills will be useful. And because you've got some time, I wonder if this would help your wife develop a more concrete approach to dealing with her anxiety about them, and give her tools for more realistically assessing how they cope with difficult/dangerous situations.
Also, any chance she's dealing with post-partum depression and/or anxiety?
posted by lapis at 9:45 AM on November 2 [2 favorites]
I have heard recommendations for The Attachment Nerd, and she was recently on the "A Little Bit Culty" podcast talking about this. The book "Trauma Proofing Your Kids" by Peter Levine might also be helpful.
It sounds like your kids are really young if you still have several years before they're in school. Regardless of what happens, helping them develop these skills will be useful. And because you've got some time, I wonder if this would help your wife develop a more concrete approach to dealing with her anxiety about them, and give her tools for more realistically assessing how they cope with difficult/dangerous situations.
Also, any chance she's dealing with post-partum depression and/or anxiety?
posted by lapis at 9:45 AM on November 2 [2 favorites]
Absolutely go to couples counseling! Find someone very good, virtual if need be, and spend the money you were gonna spend on private school on it. It is that important that you both become emotionally well-regulated caregivers. I agree with other above that this conflict over homeschooling is just one way your spouse's anxiety will manifest.
(I saw this play out in my own family, and the kids affected are now young adults who are socially and emotionally behind their peers because of one parent's untreated anxiety and the other's capitulation to it.)
My heart goes out to you. This is so difficult and I commend you for trying to figure this out.
posted by minervous at 9:52 AM on November 2 [11 favorites]
(I saw this play out in my own family, and the kids affected are now young adults who are socially and emotionally behind their peers because of one parent's untreated anxiety and the other's capitulation to it.)
My heart goes out to you. This is so difficult and I commend you for trying to figure this out.
posted by minervous at 9:52 AM on November 2 [11 favorites]
Nthing couples counseling, now. I commend you for trying to work respectfully with your wife, but, left unmanaged, this level of anxiety can produce a miserable upbringing for your kids and even ruin your marriage when she ends up clinging to some extremist figure who lies to her about what he can control or protect her from.
I could tell you that your kids are as likely to be abused by a youth group leader as by a teacher (true), that even an underresourced school is likely to educate your kids better for the future than one person with no training or experience (also true), but those are arguments about facts, whereas what's actually going on is that your wife is having to deal with the reality that she is immensely responsible for two precious beings and yet must slowly let them go out into the world and become their own people. And she's failing. It's tough to do even if your brain is cooperating, and it sounds like hers is not. An outside perspective can help.
posted by praemunire at 10:20 AM on November 2 [15 favorites]
I could tell you that your kids are as likely to be abused by a youth group leader as by a teacher (true), that even an underresourced school is likely to educate your kids better for the future than one person with no training or experience (also true), but those are arguments about facts, whereas what's actually going on is that your wife is having to deal with the reality that she is immensely responsible for two precious beings and yet must slowly let them go out into the world and become their own people. And she's failing. It's tough to do even if your brain is cooperating, and it sounds like hers is not. An outside perspective can help.
posted by praemunire at 10:20 AM on November 2 [15 favorites]
I am terrified that our kids will be socially stunted, without same aged peers and resent us years afterwards of denying them such a crucial, life defining experience. In my opinion, being socially adjusted, having friends and having a "normal childhood" trumps any real or invented home schooling benefits.
I was homeschooled for a bit, and got to know a bunch of the other homeschooled kids in my town. It was popular enough (and my town had enough money) that there was a publicly funded "homeschool resource center" which did some classes and such. Some of them were certainly odd, but I would be really surprised if they all turned out socially stunted. I was also able to take a class or two at a local middle school, I took art classes with the local parks and rec department, etc. So at least for me, homeschooling for a couple years didn't mean total isolation from having peers, and when I went into high school I did just fine socially.
Homeschooling all the way through would have been pretty awful for me though so I absolutely share your concerns, especially if she turns away from socializing the kids at all with any institutions.
I agree with the other replies that the real problem isn't homeschooling per se and is much more her anxieties. Making friends who have kids in either the local public or private schools is probably a really good idea.
posted by BungaDunga at 10:21 AM on November 2 [1 favorite]
I was homeschooled for a bit, and got to know a bunch of the other homeschooled kids in my town. It was popular enough (and my town had enough money) that there was a publicly funded "homeschool resource center" which did some classes and such. Some of them were certainly odd, but I would be really surprised if they all turned out socially stunted. I was also able to take a class or two at a local middle school, I took art classes with the local parks and rec department, etc. So at least for me, homeschooling for a couple years didn't mean total isolation from having peers, and when I went into high school I did just fine socially.
Homeschooling all the way through would have been pretty awful for me though so I absolutely share your concerns, especially if she turns away from socializing the kids at all with any institutions.
I agree with the other replies that the real problem isn't homeschooling per se and is much more her anxieties. Making friends who have kids in either the local public or private schools is probably a really good idea.
posted by BungaDunga at 10:21 AM on November 2 [1 favorite]
First, all of the above advice sounds great!
But just FYI, I was an only child (son) from a single parent household and "latchkey kid". I was fortunate to go to an Academy (pretty sure I was one of the token poor kids) but it was an hour in school bus time from my home. That's 10 hours a week looking out at traffic, houses and buildings. And of course all the neighbor kids knew I didn't go to their schools and so I was somewhat ostracized. My mother had to work and so of course home schooling was not possible (nor even popular in the 1950s).
As an adult I tend to lean toward "anxious" so I can understand the mother. My wife and I often have conversations about things where I have concerns. She has become expert at presenting things in ways to consider and address my concerns (she's a saint). So yes, I agree with those who think anxiety is the root cause of the problem. Luckily you have at least a year to work on it, and it seems to me worth working on since anxiety can be a problem in many difficult life decisions.
posted by forthright at 10:23 AM on November 2 [1 favorite]
But just FYI, I was an only child (son) from a single parent household and "latchkey kid". I was fortunate to go to an Academy (pretty sure I was one of the token poor kids) but it was an hour in school bus time from my home. That's 10 hours a week looking out at traffic, houses and buildings. And of course all the neighbor kids knew I didn't go to their schools and so I was somewhat ostracized. My mother had to work and so of course home schooling was not possible (nor even popular in the 1950s).
As an adult I tend to lean toward "anxious" so I can understand the mother. My wife and I often have conversations about things where I have concerns. She has become expert at presenting things in ways to consider and address my concerns (she's a saint). So yes, I agree with those who think anxiety is the root cause of the problem. Luckily you have at least a year to work on it, and it seems to me worth working on since anxiety can be a problem in many difficult life decisions.
posted by forthright at 10:23 AM on November 2 [1 favorite]
(a lot of the homeschooled kids were religious so they had that community as well. local club sports were popular with them too. There were ways for homeschooled kids to have a healthy if not "normal" upbringing- I certainly didn't have a totally normal education, I bounced between public, private, and homeschooled. I turned out fine and my parents did as good a job managing it as I could have asked for)
posted by BungaDunga at 10:26 AM on November 2
posted by BungaDunga at 10:26 AM on November 2
This might seem silly, but maybe encourage her to join the PTA or run for school board. When I worked in public libraries my supervisor once told me that if we run into a complainer, the best thing we can do is turn them into an advocate. She thinks the school needs work and she is a SAHM? Great! That means she might have the flexibility to make the school better and do a huge favor for all the families who don’t have that same flexibility. Oftentimes when people are put into seeing the actual blah day to day stuff that makes the institution tick, it either helps then calm down a little or they find one thing that is actually an issue in the system where they can make a positive impact. If she joins the PTA or the board she’ll meet other people who are actively involved in the community of the school and that can help build her own investment in that community.
posted by donut_princess at 10:35 AM on November 2 [14 favorites]
posted by donut_princess at 10:35 AM on November 2 [14 favorites]
I guess that depends on whether or not her school board advocacy focuses on making sure kids aren't "taught to doubt their sexuality" and she links up with the book-banning wingnuts
posted by BungaDunga at 10:38 AM on November 2 [1 favorite]
posted by BungaDunga at 10:38 AM on November 2 [1 favorite]
On preview it looks like your kids maybe aren’t old enough for school yet so PTA wouldn’t apply. But the Board might still be helpful (See the account of Courtney Gore). She could also volunteer at the school. Involvement with friendly community can make a huge dent against the influence of online stuff.
posted by donut_princess at 10:44 AM on November 2
posted by donut_princess at 10:44 AM on November 2
I agree with everyone suggesting this is a larger problem, and the school question is just the current manifestation of it - so yes, take her up on the offer to go to counseling.
I also agree with people suggesting that one part of the solution is not more links to outside reporting but to get more involved with the local community/schools in question. I mean, it sounds like your wife is worried the schools will be "too radically left" but given that you live in a rural area, it's really unlikely that's the case. I think getting to know other parents is a great idea, and getting involved in the school board too. I'd encourage her to avoid social media broadly - and I'd bring this up in counseling - that you're worried about how it's consuming her time and negatively impacting her mood. If you want, you might point her to research about how it's designed to upset people, since that keeps you engaged. You might enjoy reading together this book, which looks at the impact of social media on adult and child minds - both in terms of intellectual and emotional development.
posted by coffeecat at 11:14 AM on November 2 [2 favorites]
I also agree with people suggesting that one part of the solution is not more links to outside reporting but to get more involved with the local community/schools in question. I mean, it sounds like your wife is worried the schools will be "too radically left" but given that you live in a rural area, it's really unlikely that's the case. I think getting to know other parents is a great idea, and getting involved in the school board too. I'd encourage her to avoid social media broadly - and I'd bring this up in counseling - that you're worried about how it's consuming her time and negatively impacting her mood. If you want, you might point her to research about how it's designed to upset people, since that keeps you engaged. You might enjoy reading together this book, which looks at the impact of social media on adult and child minds - both in terms of intellectual and emotional development.
posted by coffeecat at 11:14 AM on November 2 [2 favorites]
Counseling sounds like exactly the right thing to start with. And then broadening your world and social ties. Time to start getting to know people in your community with school age children who have first hand experience in the actual schools your child could go to.
posted by Stacey at 11:21 AM on November 2
posted by Stacey at 11:21 AM on November 2
It sounds to me like you both have overblown anxiety based on picturing the worst-case scenario of either school or homeschooling. My two kids were homeschooled. They're in college now, and they're not socially stunted. I honestly think not being forced into a lot of situations involving bullying, teasing and exclusion with their peers when they were young helped give them self-confidence. They both seem to feel great about who they are as people and they're well-liked by others. It's not that they never spent time with other kids their age. There was an active group of homeschoolers in our area and they were involved in a whole variety of classes, group activities and summer camps, including some school-based activities. They got to spend time with peers and have friends. But they didn't have to be in class every day with kids who were actively mean to them, they were never bullied, they never had enemies. My husband and I both had some very bad childhood social experiences at school that certainly didn't help turn us into socially well-adjusted people. Sending your kids to school absolutely does not guarantee that they will have more friends and feel more normal than if they're homeschooled.
Metafilter tends to be pretty anti-homeschool and you imply that your wife is worried about kids being taught to hate their country and doubt their sexuality, which suggests that she's a lot more conservative than most of us here, possibly the kind of person who would use homeschooling to limit her kids' exposure to real science or progressive ideas. So it's not surprising that most of the advice is about helping her get over her anxiety about school. But I don't think it would hurt for you to look closer at your anxiety about homeschooling and try to figure out how realistic it really is.
Maybe you could find out more about homeschooling groups and resources in your area. Are there organized homeschool groups? Are they mostly religious or secular? What kind of people participate? Are any of them people you know and could talk to? What activities or learning activities do they organize? Can homeschooled kids in your state participate in activities at school? (In my state, schools are required to allow them to participate, so they can go to school for art or music or whatever, or take one or more classes at the middle school or high school level.) Maybe you could go to a homeschooling event and meet some of the kids and parents and see if they seem weird or normal.
If your main concern is that your kids not become socially stunted, maybe you can find out more about how your wife envisions homeschooling. Does she agree with you that time with peers and a chance to make friends are important? How does she picture making that happen? Does she want to get involved with a group? Does she want to set up a lot of kid playdates? Would she like the kids to get involved in classes or sports or camps? Is she open to them spending some limited time at school, maybe just going in for art or music?
Keep in mind that neither homeschooling nor schooling needs to be a permanent choice for your kids' whole childhood. A lot of people homeschool their kids for elementary school and then send them to school when they reach middle school or high school age. Others try school for a while and get frustrated because their kids aren't being academically challenged or concerned that their kids are having bad social experiences, so they switch to homeschooling. Most of the homeschooled kids we knew ended up going to school at least part-time during their middle school and high school years. If you and your wife can agree about what kind of education and social experiences you want for your kids, you can try out either homeschooling or school and see if it's giving your kids what you hoped for, and if it isn't, you can try something different. And if you don't like how that's working out, you can switch again. No choice is permanent.
posted by Redstart at 12:06 PM on November 2 [6 favorites]
Metafilter tends to be pretty anti-homeschool and you imply that your wife is worried about kids being taught to hate their country and doubt their sexuality, which suggests that she's a lot more conservative than most of us here, possibly the kind of person who would use homeschooling to limit her kids' exposure to real science or progressive ideas. So it's not surprising that most of the advice is about helping her get over her anxiety about school. But I don't think it would hurt for you to look closer at your anxiety about homeschooling and try to figure out how realistic it really is.
Maybe you could find out more about homeschooling groups and resources in your area. Are there organized homeschool groups? Are they mostly religious or secular? What kind of people participate? Are any of them people you know and could talk to? What activities or learning activities do they organize? Can homeschooled kids in your state participate in activities at school? (In my state, schools are required to allow them to participate, so they can go to school for art or music or whatever, or take one or more classes at the middle school or high school level.) Maybe you could go to a homeschooling event and meet some of the kids and parents and see if they seem weird or normal.
If your main concern is that your kids not become socially stunted, maybe you can find out more about how your wife envisions homeschooling. Does she agree with you that time with peers and a chance to make friends are important? How does she picture making that happen? Does she want to get involved with a group? Does she want to set up a lot of kid playdates? Would she like the kids to get involved in classes or sports or camps? Is she open to them spending some limited time at school, maybe just going in for art or music?
Keep in mind that neither homeschooling nor schooling needs to be a permanent choice for your kids' whole childhood. A lot of people homeschool their kids for elementary school and then send them to school when they reach middle school or high school age. Others try school for a while and get frustrated because their kids aren't being academically challenged or concerned that their kids are having bad social experiences, so they switch to homeschooling. Most of the homeschooled kids we knew ended up going to school at least part-time during their middle school and high school years. If you and your wife can agree about what kind of education and social experiences you want for your kids, you can try out either homeschooling or school and see if it's giving your kids what you hoped for, and if it isn't, you can try something different. And if you don't like how that's working out, you can switch again. No choice is permanent.
posted by Redstart at 12:06 PM on November 2 [6 favorites]
Agree that your wife needs help dealing with her anxiety. This is a manifestation of it.
A crap thing about having anxiety is that people are often really contemptious of it. Your brain is giving you all the signals that the world is on fire, and when people realise that about you, they react as if you're weak and broken.
Which makes it even more difficult to deal with because telling someone "I think you have anxiety" sounds as if you're saying "snap out of it, your problems are all in your head" when in fact it's just a factual observation about a person's brain chemistry, that can be helped with therapy and medication.
Trying to soothe or reassure an anxious person about the thing they've latched onto doesn't work. To her, it seems as if you don't take her fears seriously. She needs to face these fears and engage with them to see for herself that things are not as dangerous as she fears.
Anxiety creates a self fulfilling cycle, because it makes you want to avoid the source of your anxiety, and avoiding the feared thing makes the fear grow. But you can't force someone to face their fear, it has to come from her.
She's a mother to small children, she's probably exhausted and depleted physically as well as mentally. This issue about the homeschooling is a warning signal that she needs a lot of support and compassion. If possible, set it aside for the moment, and see if you can help her get help with her mental health.
posted by Zumbador at 12:18 PM on November 2 [4 favorites]
A crap thing about having anxiety is that people are often really contemptious of it. Your brain is giving you all the signals that the world is on fire, and when people realise that about you, they react as if you're weak and broken.
Which makes it even more difficult to deal with because telling someone "I think you have anxiety" sounds as if you're saying "snap out of it, your problems are all in your head" when in fact it's just a factual observation about a person's brain chemistry, that can be helped with therapy and medication.
Trying to soothe or reassure an anxious person about the thing they've latched onto doesn't work. To her, it seems as if you don't take her fears seriously. She needs to face these fears and engage with them to see for herself that things are not as dangerous as she fears.
Anxiety creates a self fulfilling cycle, because it makes you want to avoid the source of your anxiety, and avoiding the feared thing makes the fear grow. But you can't force someone to face their fear, it has to come from her.
She's a mother to small children, she's probably exhausted and depleted physically as well as mentally. This issue about the homeschooling is a warning signal that she needs a lot of support and compassion. If possible, set it aside for the moment, and see if you can help her get help with her mental health.
posted by Zumbador at 12:18 PM on November 2 [4 favorites]
I have an adult child whose academic record is a real hodgepodge - he is twice exceptional (autistic/gifted) and had a combination of public school, private school, homeschooling, and unschooling. He is currently on track to finish an associate's degree from community college in May and is in the process of applying to universities to go for a bachelor's degree. My point is, actually being in school every year from K-12 isn't a great fit for everyone and there are lots of paths to choose from. He did have at least one structured outside social activity through the whole thing - his thing is music, lots of kids do sports. So that's my anti-anxiety message for you.
That said, if her big concern about public schooling is kids being "taught to hate their country and doubt their sexuality"? This is literally not happening anywhere and it would be helpful for her to disengage from media that are saying that it is. School is just school pretty much like it was when we went there - especially in the early grades it's the three "R"s, a little music and art and science, lining up and sitting in circles, and a complete absence of left-wing indoctrination. That's my anti-anxiety message for her.
posted by Daily Alice at 12:31 PM on November 2 [2 favorites]
That said, if her big concern about public schooling is kids being "taught to hate their country and doubt their sexuality"? This is literally not happening anywhere and it would be helpful for her to disengage from media that are saying that it is. School is just school pretty much like it was when we went there - especially in the early grades it's the three "R"s, a little music and art and science, lining up and sitting in circles, and a complete absence of left-wing indoctrination. That's my anti-anxiety message for her.
posted by Daily Alice at 12:31 PM on November 2 [2 favorites]
for every thing I try to share with her she sends me something that supports her opinion.
You're falling into a trap, in fact the same one she's already in, which is trying to use social media to figure out the truth. It's not a machine built for doing that, which I think you can kind of already see. Here's what I think might help, in addition to many of the other suggestions in this thread: make a pact with her that you'll both get off social media. Delete FB/Twitter/etc. off your phones and computers.
One, it's going to help her state of mind immensely to not be bombarded with messaging by a machine hungry for engagement (i.e., outrage). Two, she's going to spend her time on other things, and hopefully one of those things might be getting out of the house and meeting actual people in your neighborhood/area. Even if it's just another parent at the park, that's a step in the right direction. If she wants to join the PTA or volunteer at the library that's great too, but I think it's maybe a big step that's better left for later. Three, she's right, you have two or three years before you have to make a decision. It sounds like you're pushing for a decision/solution now, and I think she's not ready, and the way you navigate this situation is to use the time you have to find out about the actual state of things in your schools and community.
posted by axiom at 1:24 PM on November 2 [4 favorites]
You're falling into a trap, in fact the same one she's already in, which is trying to use social media to figure out the truth. It's not a machine built for doing that, which I think you can kind of already see. Here's what I think might help, in addition to many of the other suggestions in this thread: make a pact with her that you'll both get off social media. Delete FB/Twitter/etc. off your phones and computers.
One, it's going to help her state of mind immensely to not be bombarded with messaging by a machine hungry for engagement (i.e., outrage). Two, she's going to spend her time on other things, and hopefully one of those things might be getting out of the house and meeting actual people in your neighborhood/area. Even if it's just another parent at the park, that's a step in the right direction. If she wants to join the PTA or volunteer at the library that's great too, but I think it's maybe a big step that's better left for later. Three, she's right, you have two or three years before you have to make a decision. It sounds like you're pushing for a decision/solution now, and I think she's not ready, and the way you navigate this situation is to use the time you have to find out about the actual state of things in your schools and community.
posted by axiom at 1:24 PM on November 2 [4 favorites]
Mod note: One comment removed for calling the OP "brainwashed". Let's not do that, even if we disagree, and focus on helping the OP.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 1:27 PM on November 2 [1 favorite]
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 1:27 PM on November 2 [1 favorite]
Concerns about indoctrination in school: this sounds like more anxiety, as others have mentioned, but it's worth discussing how you will handle value and belief differences your kids encounter in school. I think any kind of "indoctrination" from school is simply not that important compared to your family environment...and the family environment is very important as well if you're homeschooling. If your kids grow up to disagree about a major point, well...the thing about kids is that they grow up to be individual people no matter what you do. Which is both terrifying and wonderful.
My parents knew that part of growing up is encountering different ideas and took great care to make it clear to me what behavior was OK and what their perspective was and how they expected me to handle it. We had a lot of conversations about why other beliefs and practices came to be; and I learned to trust that my parents would help me figure it out if an issue came up. Staying involved with your kids' schooling is vitally important if something comes up, like, I don't know, a teacher who won't interrupt religion-based bullying because they frankly agree (ask me how I know), or a teacher who is teaching a complex issue as if it were simple.
In libraries, we always tell parents that "you are your child's first and best teacher," which is true: what you say and do is much more important than most any other adult your kids encounter. Even if you disagree with your wife about the issues, learning to argue with kindness and get along is a skill you are teaching them. Plus, if you stay involved with that they are learning and getting interested in, you can foster that at home with lots of activities and things to do as a family-- learning doesn't just happen at school or when you're doing home school. Going to museums, reading on your own, etc. are all valid ways of learning that you should have regardless of how you are schooling.
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:28 PM on November 2 [2 favorites]
My parents knew that part of growing up is encountering different ideas and took great care to make it clear to me what behavior was OK and what their perspective was and how they expected me to handle it. We had a lot of conversations about why other beliefs and practices came to be; and I learned to trust that my parents would help me figure it out if an issue came up. Staying involved with your kids' schooling is vitally important if something comes up, like, I don't know, a teacher who won't interrupt religion-based bullying because they frankly agree (ask me how I know), or a teacher who is teaching a complex issue as if it were simple.
In libraries, we always tell parents that "you are your child's first and best teacher," which is true: what you say and do is much more important than most any other adult your kids encounter. Even if you disagree with your wife about the issues, learning to argue with kindness and get along is a skill you are teaching them. Plus, if you stay involved with that they are learning and getting interested in, you can foster that at home with lots of activities and things to do as a family-- learning doesn't just happen at school or when you're doing home school. Going to museums, reading on your own, etc. are all valid ways of learning that you should have regardless of how you are schooling.
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:28 PM on November 2 [2 favorites]
Nthing the suggestion to actually go (together) and investigate what the schools near you are actually like. Find your local public kindergarten or preschool and ask if there's an open house or parent's night coming up (probably sometime in spring.) Even underfunded, they'll likely be a lot more pleasant than she (and maybe you?) are imagining. She may also find it edifying to research if there are local homeschooling collectives/parent groups nearby, and she (and maybe you) can get a more realistic idea of what that option would look like, and what the impacts are on both the kids and the adults. (My personal feeling is that homeschooling is not the best option in a lot of cases, but it's less about socialization and more about people underestimating how much specialized knowledge and experience goes into teaching, especially with young children, but I digress.)
But also--what outlets, social contacts, recreation time does your wife have? Being a stay-at-home parent can be very isolating, and isolation, anxiety, and social media algorithms that are designed to feed you content targeted directly at your fears is a bad combination. In addition to the counseling, maybe see if there's opportunities coming up where you could solo parent for a weekend and have her go on a weekend trip with her friends, or give the kids some grandparent time and go on a trip together.
posted by Why Is The World In Love Again? at 1:35 PM on November 2 [3 favorites]
But also--what outlets, social contacts, recreation time does your wife have? Being a stay-at-home parent can be very isolating, and isolation, anxiety, and social media algorithms that are designed to feed you content targeted directly at your fears is a bad combination. In addition to the counseling, maybe see if there's opportunities coming up where you could solo parent for a weekend and have her go on a weekend trip with her friends, or give the kids some grandparent time and go on a trip together.
posted by Why Is The World In Love Again? at 1:35 PM on November 2 [3 favorites]
When I was little - a long time ago! - my mother spent a _lot_ of time volunteering in my public schools. I still didn’t fit in very well, but I was safe because she was there, and I understand a lot more about the world, and she made the whole school better off.
posted by clew at 2:33 PM on November 2
posted by clew at 2:33 PM on November 2
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
She has offered to go to counseling. Take her up on it. Individual counseling may also help you guys.
posted by moosetracks at 9:18 AM on November 2 [35 favorites]