Is This Residual Shock?
October 16, 2024 7:24 AM Subscribe
I posted a question (link below the cut) last month regarding a THC overdose and a resulting trip to the ER. Since then, I've had difficulty connecting with people anymore, and sometimes feeling like things aren't real. Is this lingering shock?
Last month, I posted this question: https://ask.metafilter.com/382020/Trip-to-the-ER-Just-a-THC-Reaction
Following the ER visit, I was able to acquire the medical records of all tests, etc. performed during my visit. All vital signs were relatively normal according to the documentation. What I was feeling was so intense and off the charts, that I was surprised to read how normal everything actually was. What still gets to me is the video that the person I was with took of me being wheeled into the ambulance. He was laughing at me and telling me to say hi to the camera. The look on his face, I still believe regardless of whatever state of mind I was in at the time, was just evil.
For about 2 weeks afterwards, I was having dreams of being betrayed by others and lured into situations where people would act friendly, and then mislead me into danger. They would be conspiring against me with each other in secret, and I would end up being the butt of a joke and regretting ever trusting them. They would laugh at my pain and fear.
I was on edge in real life, as well. Externally I was masking as best as possible (almost certain I'm autistic as it is), but internally I was questioning everything. This improved with time passing, and I've been feeling much better, however not 100% (yet). But again, I've been having difficulty connecting with people. I still have empathy and compassion for others, and have no challenges connecting with my students (I'm a teacher). It's adults, especially those I don't know. I've also tried going on casual dates with people, just in a laid-back way of getting to know them, and I just... Can't connect emotionally, even when there are shared values and personality traits. I have zero interest in a romantic relationship with someone anymore, and highly value my space and independence more than ever. There's a wall there that wasn't before, at least not as robust as it is now. I'm already more introverted and recharge my batteries with solitude at the end of the day, but it's been every day that I just want to be by myself. No matter where I am or how much fun I'm having with others, there's a switch that flips after about an hour, and I just want to get away and be on my own. Sometimes, especially at night, there's this overwhelming feeling of nothing being real, and that the reality I think I'm in is just something I'm imagining.
The person I was with during the THC experience has also been calling me and leaving voicemails saying he misses me, wants to talk, etc. I'd already made my boundary clear that I was no longer interested in connecting, wished him the best, etc. I even sent a "This will be the last message I'm able to send" message, to ensure I wasn't missing any obvious wording about not wanting to be in contact anymore. He responded with, "I wish you the best and will leave you alone if I don't hear back," and then within two days was calling and texting repeatedly. For a few days, I was mentally bracing to protect myself everytime I came home, because I thought I'd find his car in my apartment complex (he knows where I live). I blocked him, but his voicemails still appear under "Blocked Messages". Can I report him to the police about this, or is this not "severe" enough to be considered stalking? I'm in California.
I was seeing a therapist until my insurance lapsed in September (transitioned to part-time teaching while starting graduate school). It will be reinstated on November 1st, and I plan to reach out to her this week to get the ball rolling on scheduling an appointment. In the meantime, what are your thoughts on what I've outlined here? Does this sound like residual shock? Will these symptoms improve over time and I simply need to be patient (while continuing to do the healing work)?
Last month, I posted this question: https://ask.metafilter.com/382020/Trip-to-the-ER-Just-a-THC-Reaction
Following the ER visit, I was able to acquire the medical records of all tests, etc. performed during my visit. All vital signs were relatively normal according to the documentation. What I was feeling was so intense and off the charts, that I was surprised to read how normal everything actually was. What still gets to me is the video that the person I was with took of me being wheeled into the ambulance. He was laughing at me and telling me to say hi to the camera. The look on his face, I still believe regardless of whatever state of mind I was in at the time, was just evil.
For about 2 weeks afterwards, I was having dreams of being betrayed by others and lured into situations where people would act friendly, and then mislead me into danger. They would be conspiring against me with each other in secret, and I would end up being the butt of a joke and regretting ever trusting them. They would laugh at my pain and fear.
I was on edge in real life, as well. Externally I was masking as best as possible (almost certain I'm autistic as it is), but internally I was questioning everything. This improved with time passing, and I've been feeling much better, however not 100% (yet). But again, I've been having difficulty connecting with people. I still have empathy and compassion for others, and have no challenges connecting with my students (I'm a teacher). It's adults, especially those I don't know. I've also tried going on casual dates with people, just in a laid-back way of getting to know them, and I just... Can't connect emotionally, even when there are shared values and personality traits. I have zero interest in a romantic relationship with someone anymore, and highly value my space and independence more than ever. There's a wall there that wasn't before, at least not as robust as it is now. I'm already more introverted and recharge my batteries with solitude at the end of the day, but it's been every day that I just want to be by myself. No matter where I am or how much fun I'm having with others, there's a switch that flips after about an hour, and I just want to get away and be on my own. Sometimes, especially at night, there's this overwhelming feeling of nothing being real, and that the reality I think I'm in is just something I'm imagining.
The person I was with during the THC experience has also been calling me and leaving voicemails saying he misses me, wants to talk, etc. I'd already made my boundary clear that I was no longer interested in connecting, wished him the best, etc. I even sent a "This will be the last message I'm able to send" message, to ensure I wasn't missing any obvious wording about not wanting to be in contact anymore. He responded with, "I wish you the best and will leave you alone if I don't hear back," and then within two days was calling and texting repeatedly. For a few days, I was mentally bracing to protect myself everytime I came home, because I thought I'd find his car in my apartment complex (he knows where I live). I blocked him, but his voicemails still appear under "Blocked Messages". Can I report him to the police about this, or is this not "severe" enough to be considered stalking? I'm in California.
I was seeing a therapist until my insurance lapsed in September (transitioned to part-time teaching while starting graduate school). It will be reinstated on November 1st, and I plan to reach out to her this week to get the ball rolling on scheduling an appointment. In the meantime, what are your thoughts on what I've outlined here? Does this sound like residual shock? Will these symptoms improve over time and I simply need to be patient (while continuing to do the healing work)?
I think definitely cut yourself some slack. It was still pretty recent and you're planning on talking to your therapist when you're able. I had a very traumatizing ER trip including memory loss as a young adult and I completely understand how this kind of thing makes you question reality. You might not ever "understand" everything that happened, but with time you'll get more comfortable with your own judgment again. It's OK if your mind is telling you to be cautious right now, I think it's just trying to protect you from more experiences of this type.
posted by Eyelash at 7:58 AM on October 16 [3 favorites]
posted by Eyelash at 7:58 AM on October 16 [3 favorites]
Agreed that this all sounds like a trauma reaction. (Your in-bed-at-night experiences align with depersonalization/derealization, which are dissociative symptoms that some people have post-trauma.) Try to give yourself permission to not be your regular self right now. If it's possible, maybe think about that wall as serving a necessary purpose as you're processing and recovering from this experience. I'm glad you'll be able to reconnect with your therapist soon and wish you a lot of gentleness and as much intense rest as you need and can get in the meantime.
posted by wormtales at 8:11 AM on October 16 [1 favorite]
posted by wormtales at 8:11 AM on October 16 [1 favorite]
I would urge you to follow up with a medical doctor along with a therapist.
You're describing paranoia and derealization/depersonalization after an overuse event of unregulated god-knows-what. Problem A is that you got poisoned and may have had a seizure, Problem B is that the resulting symptoms can be straight trauma symptoms but they are some of the most neurological ones, which is concerning in light of Problem A.
Here's what's alarming me: it appears that the other person who also took some is exhibiting at least symptoms of bad decision-making, and I am worried about multiple things here from unpredictable future behavior on his part to concern that he is legitimately a Bad Person and possibly slipped something extra into either the drugs or maybe other food/drink you had at the time. I assume the ER tested (to whatever extent this is possible) to see if you were roofied with any of the most popular options, but it could be anything.
I keep thinking about the smoke shop staff saying to take 2-3 as if they expected the product to be largely junk. There's no obligation for them to give a shit whether what they say is accurate, but that has stuck with me.
You are certainly justifiably traumatized and should continue trauma recovery along with physical recovery, but these are worrisome neurological symptoms in the context of taking unknown substances/intoxicants (again, you described "convulsing" and that is maybe severe shivering but that is literally the word for a seizure), in the same way they would be worrisome if you'd had a concussion. And you may have, clinically, had a concussion.
Which does all take time to heal. And probably time is largely the answer, and support from a therapist to process your experience, but it's worth tracking these symptoms with a medical team and getting a neuro consult if at any point they think you should.
It would probably be useful to track your mood and these feelings up to the visits with doctor and therapist.
Maybe don't date for a bit. Do you have local friends to hang out with? Maybe being around people you already know and trust would be both good for your recovery and a form of therapy itself. Probably avoid crowds and overstimulation when socializing for a while, since your batteries are a little delicate right now.
We still don't know much about short-term post-trauma best practices, but lots of people with severe trauma have advocated a hobby that requires some-but-not-all concentration as a way to productively lightly disassociate but with an anchor to reality. The world is kind of your oyster here, there's nothing you can't find free tutorials for on youtube, but for $15 you can buy enough starter supplies to watercolor paint, and there's a channel I love that does 2-minute tutorials for anxiety-reducing mini-projects. This might be something you can do in the evenings when the derealization tries to come.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:20 AM on October 16 [7 favorites]
You're describing paranoia and derealization/depersonalization after an overuse event of unregulated god-knows-what. Problem A is that you got poisoned and may have had a seizure, Problem B is that the resulting symptoms can be straight trauma symptoms but they are some of the most neurological ones, which is concerning in light of Problem A.
Here's what's alarming me: it appears that the other person who also took some is exhibiting at least symptoms of bad decision-making, and I am worried about multiple things here from unpredictable future behavior on his part to concern that he is legitimately a Bad Person and possibly slipped something extra into either the drugs or maybe other food/drink you had at the time. I assume the ER tested (to whatever extent this is possible) to see if you were roofied with any of the most popular options, but it could be anything.
I keep thinking about the smoke shop staff saying to take 2-3 as if they expected the product to be largely junk. There's no obligation for them to give a shit whether what they say is accurate, but that has stuck with me.
You are certainly justifiably traumatized and should continue trauma recovery along with physical recovery, but these are worrisome neurological symptoms in the context of taking unknown substances/intoxicants (again, you described "convulsing" and that is maybe severe shivering but that is literally the word for a seizure), in the same way they would be worrisome if you'd had a concussion. And you may have, clinically, had a concussion.
Which does all take time to heal. And probably time is largely the answer, and support from a therapist to process your experience, but it's worth tracking these symptoms with a medical team and getting a neuro consult if at any point they think you should.
It would probably be useful to track your mood and these feelings up to the visits with doctor and therapist.
Maybe don't date for a bit. Do you have local friends to hang out with? Maybe being around people you already know and trust would be both good for your recovery and a form of therapy itself. Probably avoid crowds and overstimulation when socializing for a while, since your batteries are a little delicate right now.
We still don't know much about short-term post-trauma best practices, but lots of people with severe trauma have advocated a hobby that requires some-but-not-all concentration as a way to productively lightly disassociate but with an anchor to reality. The world is kind of your oyster here, there's nothing you can't find free tutorials for on youtube, but for $15 you can buy enough starter supplies to watercolor paint, and there's a channel I love that does 2-minute tutorials for anxiety-reducing mini-projects. This might be something you can do in the evenings when the derealization tries to come.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:20 AM on October 16 [7 favorites]
What still gets to me is the video that the person I was with took of me being wheeled into the ambulance. He was laughing at me and telling me to say hi to the camera. The look on his face, I still believe regardless of whatever state of mind I was in at the time, was just evil.
OP, is this a video that you’ve seen, or something you recall? I’m just trying to get the sequence of events straight, since that [admittedly very traumatic] element of the night isn’t something you mentioned in your previous post and doesn’t really sound in keeping with how you described your friend at that point.
posted by not just everyday big moggies at 8:40 AM on October 16
OP, is this a video that you’ve seen, or something you recall? I’m just trying to get the sequence of events straight, since that [admittedly very traumatic] element of the night isn’t something you mentioned in your previous post and doesn’t really sound in keeping with how you described your friend at that point.
posted by not just everyday big moggies at 8:40 AM on October 16
Response by poster: @Lyn Never, the person I was with had already demonstrated questionable decision-making habits prior to the THC experience. For example, he had purchased a 6-pack of beer (not during this same night), drank two, and put the rest in his car to take to his coworkers the next day. On his hour-long drive home that same night as the purchase, he drank two more in his car, while driving. Open in the cupholders and everything. Looking back, he didn't respect my boundaries either about little things I'd say, and told me to "stop being so fucking sensitive" about consent during the THC experience when I panicked about him slapping me and molesting me while nearly unconscious.
@not just everyday big moggies, I mentioned the video recording instance in a later comment in that post. Yes, it definitely happened, and he even showed me the video the next morning because I asked him if that was real. The video portrayed everything exactly as I remembered, him laughing and all. The thing is, when he heard himself laughing in the video, he saw absolutely no issue with it. He said he was laughing about it in a we'll-look-back-on-this-and-laugh-someday way. I assured him it was not, and never would be, funny to me. He thought I was being sensitive about that too, and pulled the cultural card, saying that it's because we're from different cultures that we find different things funny.
Also, I definitely will not be dating for awhile, not even casually. I just don't want to.
posted by Jangatroo at 8:47 AM on October 16 [2 favorites]
@not just everyday big moggies, I mentioned the video recording instance in a later comment in that post. Yes, it definitely happened, and he even showed me the video the next morning because I asked him if that was real. The video portrayed everything exactly as I remembered, him laughing and all. The thing is, when he heard himself laughing in the video, he saw absolutely no issue with it. He said he was laughing about it in a we'll-look-back-on-this-and-laugh-someday way. I assured him it was not, and never would be, funny to me. He thought I was being sensitive about that too, and pulled the cultural card, saying that it's because we're from different cultures that we find different things funny.
Also, I definitely will not be dating for awhile, not even casually. I just don't want to.
posted by Jangatroo at 8:47 AM on October 16 [2 favorites]
You gotta stop hanging out with crapass dillweeds.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
posted by phunniemee at 8:51 AM on October 16 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry this happened to you.
posted by phunniemee at 8:51 AM on October 16 [6 favorites]
I wonder if this creep slipped you something else on top of the stuff you knowingly took, maybe stuff they wouldn't have thought to look for in the hospital. What he is doing to you, refusing to leave you alone, is verbal and emotional abuse and harassment. Reach out to domestic violence hotline. And consider calling the police. Sending virtual hugs from an old granny.
posted by mareli at 9:00 AM on October 16 [3 favorites]
posted by mareli at 9:00 AM on October 16 [3 favorites]
I think it is quite normal for you to still need some time to recover from what was not merely a traumatic experience, but one that happened to you while you were literally in a mentally altered state! Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself some time, engage in whatever "physically grounding" activities you find soothing (i.e., something you do with your hands or your feet and not with a keyboard), and try not to conclude that you're permanently damaged: I think adopting that mindset might itself be harmful to your mental health. That said, I agree with the advice above that it might be worth getting checked out by a doctor as well as your therapist. Cannabis-induced psychosis is uncommon but real, and I think it would be good for you to discuss the possibility with a doctor.
Regardless of whether you are correctly interpreting your date's behavior/intentions on that night (honestly, there is some chance you aren't, but it doesn't matter), the fact that he won't leave you alone when you've asked him to is enough to show that you shouldn't have him in your life, so good choice there.
Later on you might want to talk with your therapist about better understanding and acting on your own moral values (you're not a teenager anymore who doesn't know what to do when a friend is drinking while driving you), but that is a project for a later day. Get stabilized first.
posted by praemunire at 9:57 AM on October 16 [1 favorite]
Regardless of whether you are correctly interpreting your date's behavior/intentions on that night (honestly, there is some chance you aren't, but it doesn't matter), the fact that he won't leave you alone when you've asked him to is enough to show that you shouldn't have him in your life, so good choice there.
Later on you might want to talk with your therapist about better understanding and acting on your own moral values (you're not a teenager anymore who doesn't know what to do when a friend is drinking while driving you), but that is a project for a later day. Get stabilized first.
posted by praemunire at 9:57 AM on October 16 [1 favorite]
and told me to "stop being so fucking sensitive" about consent during the THC experience when I panicked about him slapping me and molesting me while nearly unconscious
This is physical assault and sexual assault. The trauma you are processing from that day is way more than a scary drug trip. I am absolutely not going to tell you to press charges because that is a decision with so many variables involved in it and may not ultimately be for your best interests. But I am going to suggest that you look around and consider taking advantage of any sexual assault survivor resources that are available to you.
Do you have friends you can talk to about this while you are waiting to be able to meet with your therapist again?
posted by DarlingBri at 10:21 AM on October 16 [2 favorites]
This is physical assault and sexual assault. The trauma you are processing from that day is way more than a scary drug trip. I am absolutely not going to tell you to press charges because that is a decision with so many variables involved in it and may not ultimately be for your best interests. But I am going to suggest that you look around and consider taking advantage of any sexual assault survivor resources that are available to you.
Do you have friends you can talk to about this while you are waiting to be able to meet with your therapist again?
posted by DarlingBri at 10:21 AM on October 16 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: @phunniemee, agreed. This person seemed perfectly normal when we first met, treated me with respect and was attentive, etc. The red flags seemed to come out of nowhere. But that's a good sign that all the work I've been doing is paying off, if I was actively choosing only to go on dates with people who were treating me well. I have no control over whether someone misrepresents themselves, but I can control who I select based on initial interactions.
posted by Jangatroo at 10:23 AM on October 16 [1 favorite]
posted by Jangatroo at 10:23 AM on October 16 [1 favorite]
The symptoms and feelings you describe are in line with trauma. Take the time to heal and recover, and while you take this time, do not date anyone else. Stop dating. You are firmly in "put your oxygen mask on first" territory and you shouldn't be attempting new relationships during this time. Consider that this feeling: I have zero interest in a romantic relationship with someone anymore, and highly value my space and independence more than ever. is a valuable self-protective instinct that you should absolutely listen to and follow.
I'm going to be very blunt here, and please understand that I'm not blaming you for the traumatic and/or bad experiences you've had with men in the last year or two. The fault lies solely with these guys. But you need to stop engaging in such potentially and actually risky behavior with seemingly rando dudes you go on dates with. Last year, you went on a multi-day road trip with some guy you'd met on an app and gone on two dates with. This current question is precipitated by you taking drugs with a date, one who'd already displayed irresponsible and dangerous behavior around controlled substances by drinking while driving. You said the red flags seemed to come out of nowhere, but you had the bad THC experience with this dude, you took drugs with this dude, after you knew he's driven a vehicle while drinking. (It's unclear if you were in the car with him at the time, if so, my concerns are only more urgent.)
Why? This isn't a rhetorical question or a gotcha, just genuinely, why? What about either of these situations struck as you safe or acceptable? You've been going to therapy, you say you're only choosing to go on dates with people who are treating you well. But this does not seem like the behavior of someone who's being safer around dating.
So I'm going to tell you what I told you last year again. Stop dating. I'm not saying you need to live your life in fear, and I'm not chastising you, but you really need to work on your risk assessment and judgment when it comes to activities with dates, or at the very least, take things much, much, much slower with people you date by getting to know them very well, like know them for months well, before you engage in potentially risky behavior with them. Process and heal from your trauma, and think very long and very hard about this pattern of behavior where you put yourself in potentially dangerous situations with people you barely know or who have demonstrated that they engage in dangerous and risky behaviors.
posted by yasaman at 11:41 AM on October 16
I'm going to be very blunt here, and please understand that I'm not blaming you for the traumatic and/or bad experiences you've had with men in the last year or two. The fault lies solely with these guys. But you need to stop engaging in such potentially and actually risky behavior with seemingly rando dudes you go on dates with. Last year, you went on a multi-day road trip with some guy you'd met on an app and gone on two dates with. This current question is precipitated by you taking drugs with a date, one who'd already displayed irresponsible and dangerous behavior around controlled substances by drinking while driving. You said the red flags seemed to come out of nowhere, but you had the bad THC experience with this dude, you took drugs with this dude, after you knew he's driven a vehicle while drinking. (It's unclear if you were in the car with him at the time, if so, my concerns are only more urgent.)
Why? This isn't a rhetorical question or a gotcha, just genuinely, why? What about either of these situations struck as you safe or acceptable? You've been going to therapy, you say you're only choosing to go on dates with people who are treating you well. But this does not seem like the behavior of someone who's being safer around dating.
So I'm going to tell you what I told you last year again. Stop dating. I'm not saying you need to live your life in fear, and I'm not chastising you, but you really need to work on your risk assessment and judgment when it comes to activities with dates, or at the very least, take things much, much, much slower with people you date by getting to know them very well, like know them for months well, before you engage in potentially risky behavior with them. Process and heal from your trauma, and think very long and very hard about this pattern of behavior where you put yourself in potentially dangerous situations with people you barely know or who have demonstrated that they engage in dangerous and risky behaviors.
posted by yasaman at 11:41 AM on October 16
« Older Smart, funny podcasts I can listen to while... | Seeking geriatric specialists in CT for immobile... Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
As you say, it's been a month. That is not long in the healing processes and you should give yourself grace and time. I am two years past a traumatic event and if it's reassuring at all, I can promise I don't ruminate on it and can remember it without a physical or emotional reaction. Time is distance.
But I absolutely did trauma dump on my therapist so I hope that help comes soon for you.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:54 AM on October 16 [7 favorites]