Resources for elderly parent getting scammed
October 14, 2024 4:02 PM Subscribe
See my previous question about my elderly mom being scammed online. The situation has not improved, and she has now lost a few thousand dollars to this scam. She refuses to believe that her 'boyfriend' is fake, and I'm at my wits end. I've done a lot to try to report this, but nothing has happened. Are there any resources to help with this kind of thing that maybe I haven't tried?
My mom, who lives off social security, is slowly draining her small bank account to buy Apple gift cards for her 'boyfriend'. She interacts publicly with dozens of accounts on Facebook claiming to be a (real) famous actor. I noticed she had over 500 followers (not friends) and they ALL are varieties of this actor's name or his manager/mother/agent. To my knowledge, she has only communicated with this person via Facebook, but they constantly try to direct her to other links/sites. She fully believes she is in love.
What I have done:
1) She landed herself in the hospital because she wasn't eating (trying to lose weight for new boyfriend). I told the doctors, the social worker, and everyone that would listen. I had home health called in and specifically asked for a social worker and a cognitive evaluation. She passed everything. I told her occupational therapist and her home health nurse, and asked everyone for help. Because she's not medically cognitively impaired, there's not a thing they can do. She's not incompetent, just vulnerable and making bad choices.
2) Reported as many of the accounts as I could to Facebook (all requests denied).
3) Reported this to the FTC and FBI. No response.
4) Told family and asked the one local person she is close with to NEVER take her to Walgreens/Walmart to buy gift cards. She has bullied them into doing it anyway.
4) Most frustratingly, I've tried to talk to her. She will not hear a bit of it and hangs up on me if I bring it up. I have sent her articles and links to video news stories, but she won't even entertain any of it.
I just don't know what to do. I know the answer is likely "nothing" because she's an adult and if she wants to live in a fantasy world and spend all her money, I can't stop her. But I obviously don't want to see her hurt and then selfishly I know that if she gets herself in a real financial bind, I'm going to get stuck figuring out how to support her. Our relationship was already strained prior to this (she has some mental health struggles in addition to countless medical issues that she won't address) and now I'm struggling to not be furious with her. I'm the only caretaker and I don't live in her city. Is there anything else I can try that is legal (I'd love to just break her router) and that might actually help?
My mom, who lives off social security, is slowly draining her small bank account to buy Apple gift cards for her 'boyfriend'. She interacts publicly with dozens of accounts on Facebook claiming to be a (real) famous actor. I noticed she had over 500 followers (not friends) and they ALL are varieties of this actor's name or his manager/mother/agent. To my knowledge, she has only communicated with this person via Facebook, but they constantly try to direct her to other links/sites. She fully believes she is in love.
What I have done:
1) She landed herself in the hospital because she wasn't eating (trying to lose weight for new boyfriend). I told the doctors, the social worker, and everyone that would listen. I had home health called in and specifically asked for a social worker and a cognitive evaluation. She passed everything. I told her occupational therapist and her home health nurse, and asked everyone for help. Because she's not medically cognitively impaired, there's not a thing they can do. She's not incompetent, just vulnerable and making bad choices.
2) Reported as many of the accounts as I could to Facebook (all requests denied).
3) Reported this to the FTC and FBI. No response.
4) Told family and asked the one local person she is close with to NEVER take her to Walgreens/Walmart to buy gift cards. She has bullied them into doing it anyway.
4) Most frustratingly, I've tried to talk to her. She will not hear a bit of it and hangs up on me if I bring it up. I have sent her articles and links to video news stories, but she won't even entertain any of it.
I just don't know what to do. I know the answer is likely "nothing" because she's an adult and if she wants to live in a fantasy world and spend all her money, I can't stop her. But I obviously don't want to see her hurt and then selfishly I know that if she gets herself in a real financial bind, I'm going to get stuck figuring out how to support her. Our relationship was already strained prior to this (she has some mental health struggles in addition to countless medical issues that she won't address) and now I'm struggling to not be furious with her. I'm the only caretaker and I don't live in her city. Is there anything else I can try that is legal (I'd love to just break her router) and that might actually help?
Honestly in this situation I would actually break her router. Or go to her place and do something from her account that really obviously violates FB’s community “standards”. Or deactivate her FB account.
I guarantee your mom is not 💯 even if she can draw a clock. The law says she’s got the right to destroy her life, I mean. Yeah, yeah. My dad lost his house and everything he owned thanks to a scammer we couldn’t protect him from. If I could go back in time, I’d have been a lot more assertive in protecting him. Up to and including knocking the teeth out of that thief’s face.
There’s what’s legal and then there’s what’s moral.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:24 PM on October 14 [62 favorites]
I guarantee your mom is not 💯 even if she can draw a clock. The law says she’s got the right to destroy her life, I mean. Yeah, yeah. My dad lost his house and everything he owned thanks to a scammer we couldn’t protect him from. If I could go back in time, I’d have been a lot more assertive in protecting him. Up to and including knocking the teeth out of that thief’s face.
There’s what’s legal and then there’s what’s moral.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:24 PM on October 14 [62 favorites]
Get her formally assessed though.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:27 PM on October 14 [3 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:27 PM on October 14 [3 favorites]
Is her nest egg, however small, with a financial advisor? If so, find her statement so that you can find the branch (ideally the advisor's name) and tell them that you would like to report that your parent is a vulnerable adult who is the victim of an online romance scam and that the money she is withdrawing is being used to buy Apple gift cards for the scammers. If she has a local real bank branch, call them - if it's just a bank, you may need to make a couple of calls until you can find someone who is qualified to take this report.
Strangely, financial advisors/large investment firms actually have departments devoted to deterring scams and fraud against customers, mostly elderly people. Depending on state law, the quality of the financial advisor and the exact situation with her money, they may or may not be able to do much, but I know that if there's an actual advisor involved, they will at least try to dissuade her and may have some other advice.
Honestly, if she leaves herself logged into Facebook, can you just delete or mess up her account and then "work with her" to "try to fix it"? Or get some kind of software and block Facebook? I assume she's not internet-savvy enough to fix something like that.
Scammers like this are the scum of the earth. They don't care if they're taking a few unmissed thousands from a wealthy person or draining the last dollar from a poor one.
posted by Frowner at 4:34 PM on October 14 [20 favorites]
Strangely, financial advisors/large investment firms actually have departments devoted to deterring scams and fraud against customers, mostly elderly people. Depending on state law, the quality of the financial advisor and the exact situation with her money, they may or may not be able to do much, but I know that if there's an actual advisor involved, they will at least try to dissuade her and may have some other advice.
Honestly, if she leaves herself logged into Facebook, can you just delete or mess up her account and then "work with her" to "try to fix it"? Or get some kind of software and block Facebook? I assume she's not internet-savvy enough to fix something like that.
Scammers like this are the scum of the earth. They don't care if they're taking a few unmissed thousands from a wealthy person or draining the last dollar from a poor one.
posted by Frowner at 4:34 PM on October 14 [20 favorites]
Some other things you might try.
1. I would look into any local (city/county) or state department of aging or senior services agencies near you mom. Get an appointment with someone and have them talk through options. At one point in dealing with care for my mom, I was able to meet with a social worker through the county department of aging (where I lived) who could talk me through a variety of options and point me to resources.
2. If you and your mom can meet with a social worker together to talk through not just this issue, but any other issues related to her ability to continue to age-in-place, that could be a good start. I'm sure your mom is digging in her heels and sometimes hearing from a neutral third party is just easier.
3. Maybe your mom would be willing to listen to a few episodes of AARP's Perfect Scam and discuss her reaction to them. Maybe hearing about other people's victimization would make her feel more comfortable admitting to her own. Remember there can be a lot of shame involved in admitting you were taken in by scammers. That shame prevents people from reporting and leaving.
4. AARP offers a bunch of Fraud support as well. Check them out!
5. Crazy suggestion #1 - Try to actually track down this actor and have them call your mom and say that's not me you're talking to. I'm sure this actor would like to prevent scams going on in their name. If they reported something to FB it would come down. How to do this. Search IMDB to figure out which agency represents the actor, keep calling. This will be time intensive and you will run into many brick walls, but it might work out.
6. Crazy suggestion #2 - Go on LinkedIn and search for people who work for Meta/Facebooks review team. Try to find someone at the VP level and direct message them or call the Meta offices where they are located and ask to speak with them.
I know that those last two suggestions are out there, but I have been in situations where a family member did just dig around and find the right person (VP at major corporation) and got a response. It's not unheard of, but would take persistence.
Good luck!
posted by brookeb at 4:37 PM on October 14 [7 favorites]
1. I would look into any local (city/county) or state department of aging or senior services agencies near you mom. Get an appointment with someone and have them talk through options. At one point in dealing with care for my mom, I was able to meet with a social worker through the county department of aging (where I lived) who could talk me through a variety of options and point me to resources.
2. If you and your mom can meet with a social worker together to talk through not just this issue, but any other issues related to her ability to continue to age-in-place, that could be a good start. I'm sure your mom is digging in her heels and sometimes hearing from a neutral third party is just easier.
3. Maybe your mom would be willing to listen to a few episodes of AARP's Perfect Scam and discuss her reaction to them. Maybe hearing about other people's victimization would make her feel more comfortable admitting to her own. Remember there can be a lot of shame involved in admitting you were taken in by scammers. That shame prevents people from reporting and leaving.
4. AARP offers a bunch of Fraud support as well. Check them out!
5. Crazy suggestion #1 - Try to actually track down this actor and have them call your mom and say that's not me you're talking to. I'm sure this actor would like to prevent scams going on in their name. If they reported something to FB it would come down. How to do this. Search IMDB to figure out which agency represents the actor, keep calling. This will be time intensive and you will run into many brick walls, but it might work out.
6. Crazy suggestion #2 - Go on LinkedIn and search for people who work for Meta/Facebooks review team. Try to find someone at the VP level and direct message them or call the Meta offices where they are located and ask to speak with them.
I know that those last two suggestions are out there, but I have been in situations where a family member did just dig around and find the right person (VP at major corporation) and got a response. It's not unheard of, but would take persistence.
Good luck!
posted by brookeb at 4:37 PM on October 14 [7 favorites]
Btw the law won’t help you help her get it back, either. The scammers know how to skirt laws. For example where I am, the vulnerable person would have to make an affidavit saying they were cheated. (Not going to happen with someone in your mom’s shoes or my dad’s.) AND, the amounts taken have to be over a certain amount in one transaction; the scammers know to get little amounts at a time, over time. If they’re out of the country just forget anything (extra, because your mom is already fubared with 1 & 2).
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:39 PM on October 14
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:39 PM on October 14
Building off of Brooke’s crazy suggestion: if the actor is on Cameo, you may be able to pay for an actual video of the actor speaking directly to your mom and telling her, essentially, “I love that you’re my biggest fan! And I don’t want my fans to get taken in by a clever scammer. They’re getting smarter and wilder these days. Please don’t respond to any Facebook messages from anyone pretending to be me!”
posted by samthemander at 4:42 PM on October 14 [49 favorites]
posted by samthemander at 4:42 PM on October 14 [49 favorites]
Also, depending on her level of impairment, I think this might be a good situation for (if you can ever get there in person) creating an alternate Facebook account for her, and slyly logging her OUT of the old account and IN to the new account. Basically, use scammer tactics on your mom.
Finally: is there a good way for her to channel her love for this actor into something positive? Does the actor support a particular cause/organization? Maybe she has too much love and needs somewhere to give.
posted by samthemander at 4:44 PM on October 14 [9 favorites]
Finally: is there a good way for her to channel her love for this actor into something positive? Does the actor support a particular cause/organization? Maybe she has too much love and needs somewhere to give.
posted by samthemander at 4:44 PM on October 14 [9 favorites]
The Cameo idea is an excellent one.
It'll break your mom's heart, but unfortunately I think you've reached a point where that's necessary.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:24 PM on October 14 [4 favorites]
It'll break your mom's heart, but unfortunately I think you've reached a point where that's necessary.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:24 PM on October 14 [4 favorites]
I apologize - I see you did everything possible to have your mom’s impairment recognized. I did the same with my dad and also got nowhere. The reason in my dad’s case is - we learned too late - he has frontotemporal dementia. People lose their judgement way before they lose their memory and other attentional capacities that are tested by most SCREENS (not full assessments; mostly, for efficiency’s sake, doctors use simple **screening tools** and call it a day). FTD also gets people when they’re relatively young. It is probably under diagnosed, because there isn’t enough awareness about it among medical professionals. (It’s subterranean that’s how under the radar it is.)
Does your mom show any of the symptoms listed here (about a third of the way down)?
Frontotemporal Dementia
If so, you need to go back to the doctor and say you suspect FTD. Your mom needs to be evaluated by someone with *experience* in FTD. See the resources here.
From there - if a diagnosis is appropriate - you have some legal tools you can use to protect her (and yourself).
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:34 PM on October 14 [17 favorites]
Does your mom show any of the symptoms listed here (about a third of the way down)?
Frontotemporal Dementia
If so, you need to go back to the doctor and say you suspect FTD. Your mom needs to be evaluated by someone with *experience* in FTD. See the resources here.
From there - if a diagnosis is appropriate - you have some legal tools you can use to protect her (and yourself).
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:34 PM on October 14 [17 favorites]
She landed herself in the hospital because she wasn't eating (trying to lose weight for new boyfriend). I told the doctors, the social worker, and everyone that would listen. I had home health called in and specifically asked for a social worker and a cognitive evaluation. She passed everything.
Hi, I've done cognitive evaluations in hospitals--these assessments are very quick and dirty and will not give you any sort of in-depth information to rule out a dementia diagnosis. They're basically to confirm whether or not the person is an immediate danger to themself if the hospital discharges them today, that's all. You want a comprehensive assessment by a neurologist or a neuropsychologist; cotton dress sock's resources are a great place to start.
I would also consider coming at it from the perspective of "okay, so let's agree this person is totally real and asking for money from you all the time--how can we set boundaries around that?" I lost a lot of money to someone to a real life friend who did in fact need the money, and I had to learn how to set boundaries around helping them despite knowing they were suffering. It depends on the tactic the scammers have been taking, but a conversation around, "Hey, it's concerning this person is always in crisis and always needs money from you, I don't think it's sustainable. Let's talk about how we can love and support someone without giving in to these requests." She may be more open to a conversation like that.
posted by brook horse at 5:51 PM on October 14 [16 favorites]
Hi, I've done cognitive evaluations in hospitals--these assessments are very quick and dirty and will not give you any sort of in-depth information to rule out a dementia diagnosis. They're basically to confirm whether or not the person is an immediate danger to themself if the hospital discharges them today, that's all. You want a comprehensive assessment by a neurologist or a neuropsychologist; cotton dress sock's resources are a great place to start.
I would also consider coming at it from the perspective of "okay, so let's agree this person is totally real and asking for money from you all the time--how can we set boundaries around that?" I lost a lot of money to someone to a real life friend who did in fact need the money, and I had to learn how to set boundaries around helping them despite knowing they were suffering. It depends on the tactic the scammers have been taking, but a conversation around, "Hey, it's concerning this person is always in crisis and always needs money from you, I don't think it's sustainable. Let's talk about how we can love and support someone without giving in to these requests." She may be more open to a conversation like that.
posted by brook horse at 5:51 PM on October 14 [16 favorites]
Not about the direct problem but about some possible mitigation or relapse prevention if you do somehow manage to stop this: is she lonely? Does she spend most of her time alone? If she's not active in senior community programs and such, not participating in group hobbies or activities, not volunteering, and not seeing friends often (you said there's only one local person she's close to?), then maybe trying to find ways to help her get an actual life might reduce her emotional need for whatever this scammer is giving her.
(.... Or maybe you could help her "meet" an AI boyfriend, these days. I'm not even really kidding, I think.)
posted by trig at 5:51 PM on October 14 [7 favorites]
(.... Or maybe you could help her "meet" an AI boyfriend, these days. I'm not even really kidding, I think.)
posted by trig at 5:51 PM on October 14 [7 favorites]
What a nightmare.
It sounds like you don't live in the same city but I agree with the suggestion to sabotage her Facebook account.
I ultimately and secretely changed my mom's email password so she couldn't keep receiving (and responding to) "legit" Act Blue emails from an ever-expanding stable of desperate Democrats after several months of her donating hundreds and then thousands to dozens of local candidates she had never heard of.
posted by latkes at 9:58 PM on October 14 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you don't live in the same city but I agree with the suggestion to sabotage her Facebook account.
I ultimately and secretely changed my mom's email password so she couldn't keep receiving (and responding to) "legit" Act Blue emails from an ever-expanding stable of desperate Democrats after several months of her donating hundreds and then thousands to dozens of local candidates she had never heard of.
posted by latkes at 9:58 PM on October 14 [4 favorites]
People have made great suggestions for trying to stop your mum interacting with the scammer. I hope those work. I wondered if there was anything you could do to reduce the impact. You say she is draining a savings account. Could you persuade her to move some of the money into something more difficult to access? Can you make sure that her bills etc are timed to be automatically paid at the same time that her social security money arrives so that she can’t send bill money to the scammer. Anything that restricts her ability to cause unrecoverable financial damage might help her and also reduce your worry that you will need to bail her out.
posted by plonkee at 10:47 PM on October 14 [6 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 10:47 PM on October 14 [6 favorites]
Sorry--this is a very difficult situation.
Does she belong to any faith community? Sometimes the local priest/pastor/rabbi/imam, or a well-known national figure speaking more generally, can get through where the kids can't. For example, here's a Catholic website article on people impersonating parish priests that you might use to spark discussion even if there's no one local to her.
posted by praemunire at 11:23 PM on October 14 [1 favorite]
Does she belong to any faith community? Sometimes the local priest/pastor/rabbi/imam, or a well-known national figure speaking more generally, can get through where the kids can't. For example, here's a Catholic website article on people impersonating parish priests that you might use to spark discussion even if there's no one local to her.
posted by praemunire at 11:23 PM on October 14 [1 favorite]
I just emerged from a situation quite similar to this. You are not alone. I’m going to make some blanket statements; obviously some of them might be wrong in the details but I’d bet I’m close. This is an extremely difficult situation, and I’m so sorry.
Your Mom is in the early stages of dementia, which is exacerbating a previously existing mental illness. Because of the intersection between these two issues, the decline in her decision-making + behavioral problems is much worse than her performance on more narrowly targeted dementia screens, and it will be for a while.
For this reason, all of the suggestions above that are appealing to logic—having someone reason with her, getting a cameo from the celebrity—are unlikely to have any effect. This situation will get dramatically easier for you once you can accept that you are no longer dealing with a rational actor, and allow yourself to start making decisions *for* her rather than *with* her. You may not be there yet—things had to get drastically worse with my Dad before I could get there-but if there’s one thing I would’ve changed in the way I handled my situation, it would’ve been allowing myself to accept that a lot sooner. Even if your Mom genuinely believes she’s in a relationship with a celebrity, starving herself into the hospital to lose weight is not rational behavior. Arguing with a delusional person is exhausting and will make you insane. So, for your own sake, stop that, and try to look at the situation from a new angle.
Do you have a power of attorney or health care proxy form on file? If so, things will be much easier. If not, do you think your mom might be willing to sign them? There are some decisions she might be willing to make now, while she’s still legally competent, that can make your life much easier down the line.DNR forms, end of life care—if it’s possible to introduce any of these subjects delicately, without setting her off, do it. Does she have a will? If the answer to most of these questions is no, you may want to meet with an elder-care attorney to discuss the possibility of conservatorship. That’s a last resort, but it is an option and worth knowing about.If I were you, I’d make a deal with yourself now to stop arguing with her about her boyfriend immediately, and focus on rebuilding your relationship while starting to make these long term plans.
In terms of your own financial liability, look—I don’t know if this is too bleak of a way to think about it, but realistically, if your Mom is in the States and isn’t massively wealthy, the most likely outcome for her long term care is that you will spend down her assets and she’ll end up in a long term care facility on Medicaid’s dime. The money she’s spending now that is going towards scammers would’ve ended up in the government’s pocket anyway. So while it’s not an ideal situation by any means, there’s no reason for you to throw your own money into the flames after it.
This is obviously a lot, and really really hard, but if I could say just one thing it’s this: give yourself permission to stop arguing with your mom. Let yourself have as many good moments with her as possible. If that means listening to her talk about her celebrity boyfriend for a while, do it. You’re not hurting her by doing so, because you don’t have the power to change her mind. Smile, nod, be as kind as you can, and take care of yourself. If I’m right about what’s happening, this is what people call “the gray zone”— when it’s obvious people with dementia are making bad and dangerous decisions, but before they’re legally and medically incompetent. A *lot* of people have been through it, and everyone agrees it’s the hardest part, but it doesn’t last forever. Get support; let yourself feel all the feelings. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. Sending love.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 7:33 AM on October 15 [26 favorites]
Your Mom is in the early stages of dementia, which is exacerbating a previously existing mental illness. Because of the intersection between these two issues, the decline in her decision-making + behavioral problems is much worse than her performance on more narrowly targeted dementia screens, and it will be for a while.
For this reason, all of the suggestions above that are appealing to logic—having someone reason with her, getting a cameo from the celebrity—are unlikely to have any effect. This situation will get dramatically easier for you once you can accept that you are no longer dealing with a rational actor, and allow yourself to start making decisions *for* her rather than *with* her. You may not be there yet—things had to get drastically worse with my Dad before I could get there-but if there’s one thing I would’ve changed in the way I handled my situation, it would’ve been allowing myself to accept that a lot sooner. Even if your Mom genuinely believes she’s in a relationship with a celebrity, starving herself into the hospital to lose weight is not rational behavior. Arguing with a delusional person is exhausting and will make you insane. So, for your own sake, stop that, and try to look at the situation from a new angle.
Do you have a power of attorney or health care proxy form on file? If so, things will be much easier. If not, do you think your mom might be willing to sign them? There are some decisions she might be willing to make now, while she’s still legally competent, that can make your life much easier down the line.DNR forms, end of life care—if it’s possible to introduce any of these subjects delicately, without setting her off, do it. Does she have a will? If the answer to most of these questions is no, you may want to meet with an elder-care attorney to discuss the possibility of conservatorship. That’s a last resort, but it is an option and worth knowing about.If I were you, I’d make a deal with yourself now to stop arguing with her about her boyfriend immediately, and focus on rebuilding your relationship while starting to make these long term plans.
In terms of your own financial liability, look—I don’t know if this is too bleak of a way to think about it, but realistically, if your Mom is in the States and isn’t massively wealthy, the most likely outcome for her long term care is that you will spend down her assets and she’ll end up in a long term care facility on Medicaid’s dime. The money she’s spending now that is going towards scammers would’ve ended up in the government’s pocket anyway. So while it’s not an ideal situation by any means, there’s no reason for you to throw your own money into the flames after it.
This is obviously a lot, and really really hard, but if I could say just one thing it’s this: give yourself permission to stop arguing with your mom. Let yourself have as many good moments with her as possible. If that means listening to her talk about her celebrity boyfriend for a while, do it. You’re not hurting her by doing so, because you don’t have the power to change her mind. Smile, nod, be as kind as you can, and take care of yourself. If I’m right about what’s happening, this is what people call “the gray zone”— when it’s obvious people with dementia are making bad and dangerous decisions, but before they’re legally and medically incompetent. A *lot* of people have been through it, and everyone agrees it’s the hardest part, but it doesn’t last forever. Get support; let yourself feel all the feelings. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. Sending love.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 7:33 AM on October 15 [26 favorites]
See if you can get details about the Apple gift cards. Contact Apple and let them know the purchase was fraudulent. Apple will be able to work out whether or not the spending on the card looks suspicious.
While Apple will not give you money back for the gift cards, they can assign the balance back for your personal use if they agree that the usage was fraudulent. You could then recoup some of the funds through the purchase and resale of Apple items.
posted by shock muppet at 9:23 AM on October 15 [2 favorites]
While Apple will not give you money back for the gift cards, they can assign the balance back for your personal use if they agree that the usage was fraudulent. You could then recoup some of the funds through the purchase and resale of Apple items.
posted by shock muppet at 9:23 AM on October 15 [2 favorites]
Personal story: Back when my mom was succumbing to alzheimer’s, but still living on her own, my brother (who lived close to her and was more-or-less responsible for seeing to her needs) started draining her bank account, via multiple ATM transactions per week. My wife and I (living in another city) tried to get him to stop, to no avail.
As a hail mary, we went to the local branch of the bank mom used, complete with printouts of the past several months of her account activity showing the constant withdrawals. We spoke with bank manager, and he agreed with us that something rotten was going on. He went the extra mile and authorized having all of mom’s assets moved to a new account, which would immediately render the ATM card my brother was using invalid, as well as all her checks. Legally, my brother would still have to have his name on the new account, but we didn’t have to tell him that.
All this is to say, perhaps you can throw yourself on the mercy of a friendly bank manager and see if they can’t do something similar.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:37 PM on October 15 [4 favorites]
As a hail mary, we went to the local branch of the bank mom used, complete with printouts of the past several months of her account activity showing the constant withdrawals. We spoke with bank manager, and he agreed with us that something rotten was going on. He went the extra mile and authorized having all of mom’s assets moved to a new account, which would immediately render the ATM card my brother was using invalid, as well as all her checks. Legally, my brother would still have to have his name on the new account, but we didn’t have to tell him that.
All this is to say, perhaps you can throw yourself on the mercy of a friendly bank manager and see if they can’t do something similar.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:37 PM on October 15 [4 favorites]
I was the one who suggested the cameo, and after reading Merricat’s post and reflecting, I think she has the right perspective.
When logic fails, emotion reigns. Hugs.
posted by samthemander at 4:22 PM on October 15 [1 favorite]
When logic fails, emotion reigns. Hugs.
posted by samthemander at 4:22 PM on October 15 [1 favorite]
Can you set up a second account for "pocket money"? And keep the Social Security and bill pay set up on the current account? I'm assuming it would be difficult to change these to new accounts but that's another possibility.
Then you get her a card on the new account, tell her the old card won't work anymore and get it away from her somehow. Every month/week/whatever, transfer some amount of money that is appropriate for her to waste on whatever ill-advised optional expenses she wishes. It sounds like you might want to avoid transferring all her food money to this account.
posted by yohko at 5:27 PM on October 15 [1 favorite]
Then you get her a card on the new account, tell her the old card won't work anymore and get it away from her somehow. Every month/week/whatever, transfer some amount of money that is appropriate for her to waste on whatever ill-advised optional expenses she wishes. It sounds like you might want to avoid transferring all her food money to this account.
posted by yohko at 5:27 PM on October 15 [1 favorite]
Any chance your mom wouldn’t know her password if she “somehow” got logged out of Facebook?
posted by oceano at 11:52 AM on October 16 [1 favorite]
posted by oceano at 11:52 AM on October 16 [1 favorite]
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If your senior relative is losing money to online scams, you can reach out to the National Elder Fraud Hotline at 833-FRAUD-11 (833-372-8311) for immediate assistance and support; you can also report the scam to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) and consider contacting your local Adult Protective Services if necessary.
Key resources to access:
National Elder Fraud Hotline: 833-FRAUD-11 (833-372-8311)
Federal Trade Commission (FTC): Report fraud online at ReportFraud.ftc.gov
Local Adult Protective Services: Contact your local agency to report financial abuse
FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3): Report online scams at ic3.gov
posted by forthright at 4:13 PM on October 14 [11 favorites]