Executrix with spotty executive function.

September 10, 2022 1:05 PM

My father died and it's time for me to kick into gear as his executrix. But I dunno how you do that, though. Does anyone know where is that AskMe thread where everybody provided death checklists?

My father died Thursday morning. He knew it was imminent, and, unlike me, he had executive function for days, so he did everything he could think of to make this easy for me and my brother. He set everything up with his financial guy and drew up the will and my brother and I are meeting with the money guy and the lawyer Monday. To prepare for that, I intend to:
* Find the will, wherever I put it. Apparently I have it. I don't really remember getting it, but sure: I have it. I'm the worst possible person to have given it to, so of course: I have it. So I'll spend today and tomorrow on that fun chore.

After that, what? What I have done so far:
*Found the paperwork to transfer the body to the funeral home and thence to the med school and gave it to the Hospice nurse who called the funeral home and got the body transferred and the embalmer informed so the funeral home knows what to do so he can become the anatomy lab cadaver he's always dreamed of being.
*Called all the friends and family from the big list he gave me.
*Drafted the obit in the shower yesterday.
*Delegated to the friends who want to do the get-together thing the arranging for the get-together thing that they want to do despite the fact that he didn't want a memorial.

I remember finding on here a whole question thread about all the jillions and thrillions of things you have to do as the executor of a will. Can anyone point me to it? I can't seem to find it. All I remember from that thread is that you have to get lots and lots of death certificates because everybody asks for them. And closing accounts is going to be a nightmare probably. And there's an order you close things in? Because you need some things to stay open to pay for/arrange other things you need to do/close?

The part I'm competent to do I've already done. Now comes the other stuff. The stuff that I don't even know what it is. All I know is, I'm not going to be good at it.

help...?

posted by Don Pepino to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Best answer: I'm sorry that your father died, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with crappy administrative tasks when you're in absolutely the worst shape to do that.

Do you mean this thread?

I have terrible executive function, and I thought that the reason that I was so shitty at dealing with the administrative details of my mom's illness and death was that I had terrible executive function, but I think that nobody is really good at this. Or maybe some people are good at it, but I think that feeling like you're doing a bad job at it is sort of inevitable. Please give yourself some grace. You're doing the best you can, and you will handle it well enough.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 1:23 PM on September 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

The copy of the will that you may have is not the only copy in existence. If it was formally drawn up, his lawyer will have one.

You will have the attention of the lawyer and financial adviser Monday, and you can consult them then about the next steps.

Take a deep breath. There is help available with this.

My condolences.
posted by zadcat at 1:43 PM on September 10, 2022 [5 favorites]

Condolences on your family's loss. My wife recently took care of her uncle's estate and she used this book based on recommendations from her colleagues at the law school where she works.
posted by terrapin at 1:46 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I’m sorry for your loss.

Perhaps you’re thinking of the recent thread about the Death Sucks workbook?
posted by duien at 1:51 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: My condolences. This recent thread may have useful information. https://www.metafilter.com/195836/DeathSuckspdf-also-known-as-SayingGoodbyepdf
posted by SJustS at 1:51 PM on September 10, 2022

What I have done so far:

You've done a lot! And this is all a lot! And most of this can wait. If you're meeting with the lawyer on Monday and that is the person who drew up the will, they will also have a copy of the will. So skip that part, or I would.

I think the big "chunks" of things you have to do fall into a few categories

1. wrap up the life of the person who died. This involves letting people know things, preparing an obit and a get together if there will be one, making sure anything immediate (pets, plants, bills, mail) is taken care of or paid attention to. Thinking about things like what is going to go on with his living space, for example, should at least be a little thought about.

2. figure out money stuff. Did your dad put you or your brother on the bank account so that you could pay bills with his money after he died? Or did he make those accounts revert to you on his death (a call to the bank can clear this up)? If so, that's good. Also if you can log in to his online banking you can learn a lot about what his money situation is day to day which is probably different from "the money guy" who deals with longer range investment stuff and will probbaly have a shitton of paperwork for you (it's mostly just signing stuff)

3. longer term stuff like cancelling magazines, getting all the money stuff in your name, executing the terms of his will. You have TIME for this. Most estates are open for a while. When my dad died (and I was the executrix) it took YEARS because of all the fiddly parts of this or that and because our lawyer was not the best.

I'd open a Google doc with the information you put here (what you've done, what you need to do) and keep checking in with it. See if you can access your dad's email and/or phone to get access to passwords and whatever to shut down accounts (it can sometimes be simpler, for example, to close out a cable tv account if they think the living person is doing it versus the estate of the dead person, you can get a lot accomplished via chat sometimes)

I am sorry for the loss of your dad, may his memory be a blessing.
posted by jessamyn at 1:54 PM on September 10, 2022 [5 favorites]

I'm sorry for your loss. I also had a father who had an expected death. I wasn't the executrix, but one thing I remember is that (if you're in the US, anyway) there will be final taxes to file and there are filing deadlines. I'm fortunate that I wasn't the executrix, because that kind of stuff makes me itch. I was much better at organizing his funeral and the reception afterward, and writing thank you notes for all the floral tributes and donations to charities he requested. Maybe you could get some outside help with the taxes/legal stuff? A lot of it is having receipts, and access to bank or investment accounts, and having all the various documents organized.

It's so hard to lose a parent! It's disorienting to know you can't call, visit, ask advice of, or simply remember shared experiences with someone who was always there for you, even in the background of your life as an adult. Take a minute if you need to before plunging into all the bureaucratic tasks. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by citygirl at 2:15 PM on September 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm sorry for your loss. For the will, almost certainly the lawyer who was involved in drafting it will have a copy -- that is where I would start if you don't remember where you might have filed your copy.

My wife recently took care of her uncle's estate and she used this book based on recommendations from her colleagues at the law school where she works.

This is the same book I was going to recommend. It covers almost everything you will need, especially in the first few weeks/months.

It sounds like you have done most of the important immediate things; next are the set of things like getting control of finances, getting court documentation of executor status, stopping recurring bills/charges, dealing with possessions and property, etc. From that point on, there isn't nearly as much time pressure and it's ok if things move slower.

Jessamyn had one or two answers semi-recently about this situation that I really liked -- this is one -- including how sometimes you might have to bend the rules a bit when talking with people at financial institutions or whatever in order to get things resolved in a timely manner without getting hung up in red tape.

All I remember from that thread is that you have to get lots and lots of death certificates because everybody asks for them.

This is a YMMV situation; I ended up needing only four or so physical copies and almost everything was accomplished by emailing scanned versions. Other people I know needed 20+ copies. It's better to have some extras on hand, but you can order more quickly and they don't (typically) cost a lot.

And closing accounts is going to be a nightmare probably. And there's an order you close things in? Because you need some things to stay open to pay for/arrange other things you need to do/close?

Personally I found locking down accounts to be fast and easy, but getting actual control of the accounts was a mix, some places were easy and others ran me through the wringer. Theoretically you need the court papers that document your position as executor to get full control of accounts, but I found that in practice this varied by institution. Surprisingly to me, I found that most banks were willing to be flexible and compassionate as long as I spent the time getting on the phone and explaining things to a real person.

Good luck -- this isn't a fun process but you can fumble your way through it as a complete amateur and do ok.
posted by Dip Flash at 3:41 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Yes, duien and SJustS, that was what I was thinking of I think! No wonder I couldn't find it: I thought it was on the green, but it was the blue. Thank you, everyone, so much for all your advice and kindness. I'm so glad I asked about this. Now I have this great resource to come back to whenever I start freaking out.
posted by Don Pepino at 4:37 PM on September 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

If your dad had a basic tax return, you may be able to get his final return filed for free through VITA TaxAide services. Bring proof of your role as executrix and his 2021 return as well as all the forms that come for him during this time.
posted by soelo at 6:15 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

First thought - maybe you don't have to do all the work here.

One option is let the lawyer's office do as much as they can. You have to ask how much they would bill for the time - the billable rate for even the admin staff can be pricey but it is worth asking.

Another option is to see if someone else in the family would be a better choice for executor and willing to do it. Just because you are the one named in the will doesn't mean you have to take it on. There is also the option to paying the person who agrees to be executor, especially if they are not getting much from the estate.

Third option would be to keep the responsibility of being executor but see if someone else in the family would be willing to do the phone calls and research to find out exactly what needs to be done and then you just fill out the forms they give you and sign and send as instructed. (I did this for my husband when he was executor of his father's estate - I probably did 90% of the work and just let him know when something needed his official signature.

Second thought - depending on how your father set things up, there may be very little left to go through probate. I"m learning that all of financial accounts have distribute on death provisions that will give the money directly to the named beneficiaries without being part of the estate and the probate process. Similarly if there is a living trust. I haven't gone through this part myself yet but I think the beneficiaries still need to fill out a form and provide a death certificate but it makes things a little simpler. You still need an executor to pay bills, file the tax return etc. but it these alternative forms cover almost all of the estate, you might be able to avoid having to deal with court system to open and close the estate.
posted by metahawk at 6:48 PM on September 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

Condolences for your very recent loss. Someone here in a previous thread recommended the Executor's Guide form Nolo Press, and I found it well worth the $28. It's reassuring to have a list of the things to do, and instructions for handling them, from a legal perspective, even if probate is not required. My parent passed away earlier this year, and I have been chipping away at the list. The Guide is helpfully structured into sections: Getting Ready, First Steps, Taking Care of the Estate, etc.
posted by amusebuche at 7:33 PM on September 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Okay, I will shut up after this but wanted to pop in to say I ordered the Executor's Guide and it's coming Monday! Thanks to all of you and please shout if you think of anything else--I feel much better and less scared every time I look at this.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:08 AM on September 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

I did this a few years ago and what I did was: exactly what the lawyer told me. no more no less. worked out. never had to learn things like "what is probate exactly" or "how many death certificates do I request and how and why" because understanding these things was their job, and signing on one thousand dotted lines was mine. the only times I had to exercise independent judgment was in planning and running the memorial service, obituary, etc. (the things you have already done or are in the process of doing.) for the estate paperwork/legal stuff, I simply did as I was told. I believe they actually gave me a packet including a very clear and methodical to-do list, with dates & deadlines, at our first meeting.

for dealing with the house / material possessions, I found an estate sale guy and a real estate person and did exactly what they told me to do. could I have scraped more money out of everything if I'd insisted on knowing what was going on? possibly. but I feel good about my choice.

the absolute worst and hardest and most awful thing of the whole process was digging up my parent's old physical address book and trying to work out which of her old friends had pre-deceased her, calling the rest, mostly strangers to me, and telling them she'd died. I did outsource a fraction of this, the calling-distant-family part, to another family member. it still sucked. made me feel even better about leaving everything else to hired experts.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:55 AM on September 11, 2022 [2 favorites]

I did outsource a fraction of this, the calling-distant-family part, to another family member. it still sucked. made me feel even better about leaving everything else to hired experts.

Oh gosh this is such a good thing to remember. If you have a big family or friend/acquaintance group, you may have people who want to support you but don't know how asking "Anything I can do?" or "Let me know if you need anything..." and if it's at all possible GIVE THEM JOBS. Like a lot of times, people just want to say that to be saying it and if you give them big tasks it's too much but in this sort of situation it's often a nice thing to let people really help support you. Things I had people do for me when my dad died

- bring all the flowers to the memorial service
- cancel all my dad's magazine subscriptions
- after I pulled out a few pieces of clothing I wanted to keep, taking all of my dad's clothes to a thrift store
- helping organize some photos for the memorial service
- picking up and returning chairs for the memorial service
- making photocopies of random stuff
- cleaning out my dad's fridge

Many of these are not large tasks in and of themselves but if you're grieving and being an executrix AND aren't great in the executive function area, it's one more thing off of your plate and giving it to someone who probably can spare the time/effort.
posted by jessamyn at 3:36 PM on September 11, 2022 [2 favorites]