Can't turn great meetups into anything more - suggestions?

October 9, 2024 7:32 PM

I moved to a new city this year and seem to be having a hard time making connections ever since. It is not for lack of meeting people, however! A few times in recent months I have met someone, really enjoyed talking to them, and spent the better part of the day or night together with (I think!) a clear mutual interest. However, it always falls apart after that and I'm not sure what I am doing wrong. For context I am a straight dude.

For example, last week I met someone getting breakfast who was super nice and I really enjoyed chatting with her. I had to go about my day but before I left she asked for my number. We met later the same day and originally planned to only say hi but ended up talking for a few hours before finally going home for the evening. I texted her later that night, she responded right away, and we talked a bit more before I asked if she would like to get coffee in a few days. After that, radio silence and I am not sure how or if to follow up.

If this was a one time thing I would not think anything of it but a couple similar situations combined with this one have left me wondering what is going wrong? I can't help but to think that something about myself is putting people off, but I always feel like we have a really nice time in person when we meet, and then afterwards we aren't on the same page at all. Curious to know if other people have experienced this. I am doing fine and not even really searching for a relationship but it is really bugging me that these great people I meet (and think I connect very well with) rarely want to follow up.

Thanks!

posted by MtRChem to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Please clarify whether you are looking for dates, friends, all of the above, or what.
posted by NotLost at 7:49 PM on October 9 [6 favorites]

Possibly if you are already getting on so well, getting coffee would be a letdown. If this is about dating, maybe you should ask them out on a more interesting date, and make clear that it's a date.
posted by NotLost at 7:54 PM on October 9 [4 favorites]

This is very specific to the scenario you describe but there is a kind of a thing among some women about coffee dates at the moment, with the general gist being that asking her for coffee is a sign you don't think she is worth dinner. Other women think a coffee dates is okay as a first get to know you before committing to something like dinner if you meet in the apps but if you have already talked for hours, they might also be insulted that you still think you need to get to know them.

So you might be running into that if these are date-like encounters.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:55 PM on October 9 [6 favorites]

I'm not sure what you mean by "radio silence," i.e. did you contact her to firm up plans for coffee and then not get an answer, or were you expecting her to keep texting/chatting in the meantime?

If the latter, there might have been a misunderstanding. In her shoes, I would probably be waiting for the guy to reach out to me to make arrangements, and if he didn't, I might hesitate to connect to chat. In this particular situation, the best way to follow up would be by contacting her with a concrete and specific proposal to get together, e.g. how about that coffee this Saturday at 2pm?

Also, on preview, I agree that coffee seems like a relatively low investment of time and energy for a date, which might make her even less likely to reach out to you without specifics.
posted by rpfields at 7:56 PM on October 9 [3 favorites]

I struggle with gray areas. If I had a great first encounter with someone but wasn’t sure what type of interest they were expressing, I might just not respond for two reasons - 1) assume the wrong type of interest from them, and try to avoid that kind of connection and therefore not follow up or 2) be paralyzed by the lack of clarity and not willing or able to do the emotional labor to clarify what type of connection we’d be pursuing.
posted by seemoorglass at 8:02 PM on October 9 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Please clarify whether you are looking for dates, friends, all of the above, or what.

Mostly dates but friends are nice too - I feel like I have to get to know someone as friends a little bit before dating them. I hear what you are saying about going too slowly but I think that is safer than coming on too strong, and I hesitate to interpret a rejection as a reason to ask for something which involves more commitment.
posted by MtRChem at 8:02 PM on October 9 [1 favorite]

I understand about wanting to know someone before dating them. In that case, you have two choices:
1. Have what I am going to call "friend dates". Maybe something between coffee and dinner, such as a museum. But you might want to make clear what you are doing. The women you are interested in will want to understand their status.
2. Become a regular at some place or some activity. This way, you'll be likely to see some of the same people over time, and you can get to know them, you'll likely have shared interests, and this is low stakes. Then you can ask someone our for a proper date when you are ready.
posted by NotLost at 8:13 PM on October 9 [1 favorite]

Also notice that four people above, at least some of whom are women, are all telling you something similar.
posted by NotLost at 8:14 PM on October 9 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Also notice that four people above, at least some of whom are women, are all telling you something similar.

I appreciate the advice - to be honest most of this I hadn't even considered, such as coffee being a signal that you are ambivalent about somebody. I thought that being as forward as to specifically ask "do you want to go on a date" vs. "do you want to go to coffee/dinner" would be offputting. I can understand how people appreciate the clarity though, I certainly would.
posted by MtRChem at 8:22 PM on October 9 [1 favorite]

Honestly, meeting a handful of women in a romantic context and you like her but she’s not feeling it is…normal? Like you really just gotta play the numbers until you meet someone who’s just as jazzed about you as you are about them. Doesn’t have to do with anything particularly wrong with you. Just maybe they aren’t feeling it? And that’s okay. Just keep doing what you’re doing until it happens.
posted by greta simone at 8:55 PM on October 9 [10 favorites]

As a woman I always would be very relieved to be asked for coffee before dinner when i was single, as the transition from casual hang out in a random way to date can feel like pressure and dinner much more so than coffee. I would never have been insulted by a coffee invite it would have been lower stakes in a good way only. Going from random meet up / chatting to a long dinner would for me have felt like a lot.
BUT
I can tell you that folks who might be involved with someone already / not free to really date can sometimes let themselves flirt and chat all day if it seems random. People let themselves have a little bit of spark without letting themselves think too much about it being a Thing. Then when it is clearly going to be dating territory - the "uh oh, I'm actually not dating other people better not" thing kicks in.
Not your fault and not some horrible flaw in the person who enjoyed chatting and texting in a way they could feel innocent about. but not everyone is going to be free to go to the next level for their own reasons. It often is just not about you, which is both harder and easier to manage.
posted by ponie at 9:01 PM on October 9 [13 favorites]

I thought that being as forward as to specifically ask "do you want to go on a date" vs. "do you want to go to coffee/dinner" would be offputting.

Personally, when I was single I would have found "do you want to go on a date" a bit off-puttingly on-the-nose, but the problem for me would be with the lack of a specific proposal for time and place, not with offering coffee vs. dinner.
posted by rpfields at 9:51 PM on October 9 [3 favorites]

A date isn't dating, you can have a date.
posted by Iteki at 12:33 AM on October 10

Caveat: I am neither a woman nor prone to meeting people, much less hanging out with them for hours. However, my life is such that I fail to respond on a reasonable timeline to a lot of people (sorry!) and what feels like a polite follow-up and often does get a hasty reply is something like "Just wanted to check on this! If coffee doesn't work, maybe X on Y around Z time?" I think after that you have to drop it, but it would express additional/continued interest, give you a chance to pitch something "higher stakes" as others are suggesting, and deal with the possibility that these folks just really need more specific ideas to work off of because everyone's brain is too full to grapple with anything more open-ended (it's me).
posted by teremala at 3:14 AM on October 10 [6 favorites]

How clear is it at the start of these interactions that you are interested in these women romantically? Are you meeting them in a "seeking romance" social context, or a "hobby group" / "mutual interest" context?

I'm a woman, and I find ambiguity very frustrating in these kinds of situations. I am romantically attracted to a very small percentage of men (something that I think is pretty normal). I am also a nerd who will happily fixate on some nerdy topic of conversation with a fellow nerd and can talk to someone that I've met at some tech-related hobby event about our mutual interest for ages without it crossing my mind that they are perceiving this as "flirting". Because if I'm not interested in someone, this honestly does not occur to me when we're chatting in a group setting.

Sometimes someone that I know casually starts to talk to me one-on-one through some kind of internet forum... and that's still within the realm of "friends having a chat" for me. But if the guy starts inviting me to things, and particularly invites me to an in-person one-on-one event like coffee, this would abruptly cross the line for me into "this guy may be trying to flirt". And at that point it would make me really annoyed and uncomfortable if the dude was being coy about whether this was a romantic invitation or a "just friends" one. I'm an introvert and find awkward situations extra unpleasant, and if I'm not interested in someone, then I would find it excruciating to spend an outing in their company trying to figure out if they're trying to work up to expressing interest in me, because I already know I want to decline, but I can't answer a question that I haven't been asked.

So this means that if the guy is trying to flirt, there is no way that he can succeed (because I'm not interested), but the failure mode here is likely to be me making an excuse and avoiding him, in order to bypass a potentially unpleasant experience (whereas if he just asked me clearly to go on a date I'd be able to say no, and we'd both have clarity and be able to get on with our lives). It also means that if the guy is not trying to flirt, and genuinely just wants to hang out as a friend, that isn't going to happen, even though I'd probably be perfectly happy to do that (if I knew that was what this was and it wasn't going to be Weird).

(If I am interested in someone, I will do the utmost to try to make things happen from my end -- accept invitations, offer invitations, go out of my way to change plans if an original plan isn't working, etc.. My #1 message here is that if someone is into you, they will try to be with you, and if they're not, they won't.)
posted by confluency at 3:22 AM on October 10 [5 favorites]

You describe: We met later the same day and originally planned to only say hi but ended up talking for a few hours before finally going home for the evening.

Spending a few hours with someone I just met can be fun, but is a red flag. It usually means they will be someone who wants far more of my time than I can spare.

For me the relationship needs to build up more slowly before I will consider someone a friend, let alone consider dating them. I suspect that the people who seem to start strongly attracted to you and then ghost are experiencing a rebound effect, where they got caught up in your intensity - fascinating conversation! - and then think of you as that guy that kept them from getting their laundry done. They might dread the idea of another conversation, because how will they get away? Since most relationships build up, the next conversation could carry on longer than the last one...

You were interacting with them like someone already in a relationship - meet again same day, long convo later in the day, text in the evening, another convo, plans for another meeting. That's overwhelming. Chances are you end up coming off as high maintenance, or needy, or as love bombing them.

I suspect that the people you are meeting and getting into these interactions with are people who are people pleasers with high social needs who are not good at setting boundaries. You are fun guy and interesting, and it doesn't feel bad enough for them to become visibly hostile or distressed with you, because the intense conversation made them laugh or was very agreeable, but they may have been failing to successfully signal that they had had enough and needed to go about their business.

Also keep in mind that there are not a lot of women out there who are interested in actually having more male friends, or in dating. Everyone is working their tail off without much leisure time, and relationships can be too much on top of everything else. They may be single, but starting a new relationship of any type is like taking on another hobby. It requires time and a budget. They may very well be thinking that if they were going to date, you'd make a fine partner. But dating is a cultural practice that began near the beginning of the previous century and has long ago passed its peak. I don't have time for a boyfriend is a consistent complaint.

If what you are offering is that you are interesting and fun, that means you are competing with her video games, the entertainment media she follows and a host of other things that she might also find interesting and fun. She's going to have more control over them, so they are easier for her to prioritize than you.

Relationships last when they provide something the people in them need. If you want relationships with people you might look for ways to spend time with them that are more than purely social and which enable them to do things they couldn't do without a friend to help them do it. Whether that is joining her running group, so that you provide each other with peer pressure to get out there consistently, or meet her on line to tackle a brutal level seven boss together, or getting her to show you how to prune your rose bushes and then picking up mulch at the garden supply for her, you might get farther if you can aim for mutual support, instead of the intimacy generated by fascinating conversations.

There's a good chance that the conversations got too intimate - even if they were about the insightful things you know, or your opinions on topics that interest you both, and weren't the pair of you just doing self-disclosure about your past history and feelings, I have a hunch that your prospective friends ended up learning a bit too much about you, which made it feel a little weird.
posted by Jane the Brown at 3:42 AM on October 10 [13 favorites]

There is absolutely no way for us to know for sure. BUT, reading your description and the responses so far, here’s my guess:

You’re a very extroverted, charismatic, friendly person who is easy to talk to; you’re confident enough to regularly strike up conversations with strangers in public and have it go well, which is a rare talent outside of movies these days. The women you’re speaking to aren’t used to it, and they’re swept away by the novelty and excitement of this. You’re used to it, because you do it all the time, but for them it’s a new experience, which they enjoy a lot while it’s happening, but maybe in a slightly giddy way that feels like excitement, but is also an emotion not that different from anxiety.

They have fun during the hang (I disagree with the person who says they’re just people pleasers who are too uncomfortable to tell you no in the moment) but once they’re out of your presence, the doubts start to creep in. Are you a player or a pickup artist? Do you have some kind of alternate motive? They tell a friend, and the friend is like, ooooh, I don’t know, he just came up to you out of nowhere? That’s strange. They reflect back anything that might be odd or uncomfortable about the interaction and magnify it—if you’re older than them, say, anything else you said that might be considered a red flag (and we all have *something * that, out of context, could be considered a red flag). Now they’re future-tripping, thinking of everything that could go wrong. Sure, it’s just coffee, but what do they know about you REALLY? You could be a serial killer, or more realistically, just a player. After all, you were able to create such an instant, magical connection without them, out of nothing, maybe you do that all the time? They’re not sure, you are probably cool, but they’re in their head now, and so by the time you text for coffee, they’re just like…ehhh…I don’t know, maybe it’s safer to keep texting this guy I met on Tinder three months ago who hasn’t actually had time to meet up in person but sends really good memes.

You are not doing anything wrong, but you’re out of sync with our current post-covid moment. And thank God you are, because without people like you, we’re all going to end up dating AI chatbots and the species will die out. But I’d suggest you slow it down a bit. Charisma is a super power, but when you shine it directly in someone’s eyes, it can be blinding. Remember that what’s normal to you is probably unusual for them, and as counterintuitive as it might feel, slow things down in the moment, even if the impulse to move faster is coming from them. Imagine they’re two people (we’re all two people): the emotional, in-the -moment risk taker, and the more cautious risk-assessor. Your job is to win them both over.

Right now you’re probably paying a lot of attention to, and amplifying, her ‘Yes’ signals, but note, and respect, the ‘No’s’ as well, even if they’re subtler. If she hesitates before suggesting a meet up, or seems uncertain about anything, be proactive in meeting her there, instead of at the edge of her comfort zone. This doesn’t mean interrogating her or demanding reassurance (“Are you SURE you’re okay with that?”) but instead listening for a quieter voice that might be more hesitant and then responding to that (“Coffee would really fun, let’s check in tomorrow and see how we feel.”) Just basically noticing any mixed signals and waiting for all the lights to turn bright green before you act, and remembering how tough it is to be a woman right now, with all the bizarre and incoherent messaging we’re getting. It’s strange days.

Either that, OR, given the timing, they’re getting home and Googling you and not liking what they find. Maybe there’s a podcast about a serial cheater out there with the same name as you. Have you checked your search results lately?
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 4:26 AM on October 10 [14 favorites]

For what it's worth, I think the average MeFite is significantly more cautious/suspicious of real-life interaction than the people I meet in real life, so take what you're getting here with a grain of salt (this may be age-dependent too). But also, yes, your experience is pretty normal - a lot of people are just kind of time-constrained and not always up for prioritizing someone new.

I do agree that coffee kind of sucks. Coffee is for blind dates and people you've met on apps where you want to make sure they don't smell bad or have serial killer vibes before you commit to a longer date. It's also fine for immediately after a meetup - "oh hey, I would love to keep this conversation going - do you have time to grab coffee?"

But if you've already hung out with someone for hours hopefully you have something more specific and interesting to suggest than coffee! Like probably you discovered some mutual interest, or learned that she knows a lot about something you're interested in? Did she mention something coming up that she's excited about? So instead of "Do you want to get coffee sometime?" it could be, "I think I'm going to sign up for one of those pottery workshops - probably DATE or DATE - sound interesting?" or "My run club meets at Brewery X on Tuesday nights, you should come, it's free and totally beginner friendly" or "There's a Artist You Said You Liked exhibit opening at The Museum at the end of the month - any interest in going?" Also pay attention to finances - if the person you've just met is a starving grad student don't invite them to a $200 ziplining experience or whatever.

Also I'm a big fan of having memberships and subscriptions to things (museums, zoos, concert series). This way you have an easy thing to invite someone to that doesn't cost them money but isn't exactly like you're paying.
posted by mskyle at 5:23 AM on October 10 [10 favorites]

Maybe you can investigate lowering the stakes for both yourself and the women that you meet--in your example, you shared a meal, then you spent several hours together, then you were texting. That's a lot of intensity for someone that you just met, even if things went well in all of those interactions. If that is typical for how these encounters have gone, that could be something to change. It's more rare for both people to want such intensity so quickly and you might have more success if you give more space for women to consider their feelings.

In general think that this dating strategy can work for you if you are a little more carefree. I think that a short period of intense connection can be great but then you can try to leave them wanting more of you, not less. Maybe you're too busy to get back together later in the day after breakfast and you just text a bit and schedule a date. It doesn't work out? Oh well, that's usually how it goes, at least we had a fun conversation at breakfast. You will want to enjoy each encounter for what it is and cultivate an attitude of seeing any further encounter as a pleasant surprise.
posted by Kwine at 6:24 AM on October 10 [2 favorites]

I mean, maybe it's something you're doing or not doing, and it would be very hard for us to know without seeing the interactions. The internet is full of people endlessly reading tea leaves re: What It Means To Ask Someone For Coffee vs. Dinner (entirely subjective!) or If The Word 'Date' Has Magical Powers (sometimes yes and also frequently no!). I wouldn't put a lot of stock in any of it because it is entirely beyond your control to know whether the person you bumped into at breakfast takes the idea of grabbing coffee as a grave personal offense or, conversely, would see dinner as too serious. Outside of, like, straight up propositioning someone within an hour of meeting them, a whole lot of this is incredibly arbitrary because people are different and their preferences and dating styles are different.

In any case: this kind of failure to launch is a very well documented Thing. People have great conversations on apps only to get stood up, constantly. People have incredible, magical first dates and then get ghosted, constantly. I don't know what's going on but it is going on. So there's that.

If you really like the person, maybe wait a couple days and send a second and potentially final text saying you hope they're having a good week, it was great talking to them, if they do end up wanting to meet up again you'd love to do that. This shows interest, leaves the ball in their court, and is absolutely not too pushy or thirsty or whatever.
posted by wormtales at 6:40 AM on October 10 [5 favorites]

One more note on the coffee session: if you're looking to communicate more investment, refer to the coffee as the meetup spot to be followed by something else. "Let's meet for coffee next to the river, that way we can warm up a little and then go on a walk and enjoy the fall colors." That's a comfortable, transitional, variable offer!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:00 AM on October 10 [3 favorites]

If you're interested in going on a date with someone you know casually, whole words and sentences are fantastic.

"I've been having so much fun getting to know you! If you're interested, I'd love to take you on a date this weekend. I know a great Thai place, would Friday at 7 work for you?"

You have:
-expressed interest
-expressed intent
-named a specific activity
-and a specific time

Your new friend now has the full set of information they need to make an informed decision about whether to meet up with you again.
posted by phunniemee at 7:01 AM on October 10 [7 favorites]

I think Merricat Blackwood's answer is probably closest to what's going on - few people in 2024 have experiences just meeting someone in the wilds. I also agree with teremala that if the last text you sent "how about coffee on Friday?" it's fine to send one more text.

I'll add that one bit of advice might be to sort out your next meeting while you're still standing in front of them. "Hey, it's been fun getting to know you, especially since I'm new to [city] - are you free at all this coming weekend? I'd enjoy trying a new restaurant, exploring a neighborhood, or checking out one of the museums - but I can be flexible!" I know general advice these days directs people to make specific offers for dates/hangouts, but I actually prefer when people give options - and I think logistics are much easier to sort out in person than over text (a lot of people are way too distracted on their phones).

(And on the coffee question: I enjoy coffee, but I hate getting coffee as a social activity - coffee shops seem to be either really loud or painfully quiet, and I find neither atmosphere really conducive to conversation. And for sleep reasons, I avoid caffeine after 12pm)
posted by coffeecat at 8:09 AM on October 10 [1 favorite]

Merricat's answer is very insightful and wise. If it vibes with your experience I'd go with that.

I am old enough to remember when this kind of random meeting between young adults was normal in city life . It changed dramatically not just after covid (which made it worse) but really after the rise of smart phones. No one used to be on a phone in cafes or waiting for trains or whatever so it was more normal to make conversation with strangers. It was quite easy to connect with someone who might have been reading a book you also liked or an article you had read, without expecting much about whether or not it would continue to another day.
The other difference is that back then a person could decide to give out their phone number in a low stakes way. A scrap of paper with a first name and a number did not open a huge windows to the rest of one's life. People need to be more cautious now for obvious privacy reasons.
So... I would think it matters, here, how you come to have their number to text them after to begin with. Maybe instead of asking for it, you could say "would you like to see each other again?" and see if they offer it to you. If they say "yes" but don't offer their number, that's a sign they can't or don't wish to actually continue for whatever reason.
posted by ojocaliente at 8:26 AM on October 10 [1 favorite]

I agree that a concrete proposal to meet-up (time, date, place) is better than "let's get coffee sometime." Now, I don't know your exact wording, but if I was on the receiving end of "we should get coffee in the next few days" or something else that felt vague, I'd interpret that as "nice talking to you but I don't think I'm interested" in a polite way.

"Coffee" is also very generic -- not just in a "blind-date chemistry test" way but in a "did you pay attention to anything I said?" way (unless I talked about really loving coffee, maybe). If it was more "I watched [Movie Title] you told me about! I'd love to talk about it with you over coffee!" or such, that shows you were paying attention. (Once again, I have no idea what your conversations were that preceded this.)

I also don't know how old you are, but older you get, the more time you need to plan. "Are you doing anything Saturday?" is a question that requires a response ("I'm busy Saturday, but I'll be available Sunday" for instance). "We should get coffee" is not. I'm not even particularly that busy, but between work and other responsibilities/obligations, I do have to carve out social time with the people I'm close to. Someone I just met may not take priority.

I really hope you don't feel attacked by anyone on this thread, though! This stuff is hard to figure out and both men and women have a hard time doing it.
posted by edencosmic at 2:20 PM on October 10