Whether or not to go to boss about a coworker
October 2, 2024 5:10 PM Subscribe
This coworker started 6 months ago. The team is really small so out of 4 people, I would say she talks to me the most and has also come to me with her day to day questions, sharing banters, etc. I feel like her behavior is starting to affect the team dynamic but not so much my day to day work so I'm debating if it's worth going to my boss about. I don't know what my goal would be if I do go to my boss. See examples below of the behavior I'm having concerns about.
-"C gets degree" effort in all projects and assignments unless they are deemed important to her
-Not being a team player in taking on projects or tasks that benefit the team
-Does not pay attention during team calls or trainings and would ask questions about obvious things that were discussed or that this person should have the fundamental knowledge of. It can be a waste of my time having to re-explain things over and over until it sticks.
-Constantly want to dig for gossips or rumors at work
-Bring up politics in conversations
-Ask me sensitive questions like salary info, bonus, etc. for the sake of comparing
-Display micro aggressions in normal conversations
-Have directly told me that she likes the colleagues and manager at her previous job better than current job
-"C gets degree" effort in all projects and assignments unless they are deemed important to her
-Not being a team player in taking on projects or tasks that benefit the team
-Does not pay attention during team calls or trainings and would ask questions about obvious things that were discussed or that this person should have the fundamental knowledge of. It can be a waste of my time having to re-explain things over and over until it sticks.
-Constantly want to dig for gossips or rumors at work
-Bring up politics in conversations
-Ask me sensitive questions like salary info, bonus, etc. for the sake of comparing
-Display micro aggressions in normal conversations
-Have directly told me that she likes the colleagues and manager at her previous job better than current job
I wouldn't go to your boss. It sounds like she is sub par as an employee and her social skills need work, but they hired her and thus you have to work with her. Now, if your boss has concerns and approaches you to find out if you are having problems with her, that's a different situation. In the absence of your boss looking for feedback on your coworkers behaviour, I'd suggest you work on your own boundaries - not explaining things to her repeatedly when it is wasting your time, "...just like I told you yesterday..." and deflecting the inappropriate questions and the gossiping. "I prefer to keep it professional..." She is clearly rubbing you the wrong way, and she sounds like a crummy co-worker, but half the people in the world are below average. There's nothing you can do to change people like that.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:22 PM on October 2 [25 favorites]
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:22 PM on October 2 [25 favorites]
I would definitely go to your boss about the things that are potentially legally actionable -- bringing up politics and the micro-aggressions.
I would perhaps go to your boss about things the co-worker does that impact your work directly. For example, if they ask obvious questions, does it prevent you from getting the information you need? Are the ways they are "not a team player" things that make your job harder?
I would probably not go to your boss over the gossip, rumors, salary conversations, etc. That's all normal office stuff. One of the best lessons I ever learned in life is that I don't have to answer every question I am asked. "I don't want to discuss that" and "that's not my business" have both served me well.
posted by OrangeDisk at 5:46 PM on October 2 [10 favorites]
I would perhaps go to your boss about things the co-worker does that impact your work directly. For example, if they ask obvious questions, does it prevent you from getting the information you need? Are the ways they are "not a team player" things that make your job harder?
I would probably not go to your boss over the gossip, rumors, salary conversations, etc. That's all normal office stuff. One of the best lessons I ever learned in life is that I don't have to answer every question I am asked. "I don't want to discuss that" and "that's not my business" have both served me well.
posted by OrangeDisk at 5:46 PM on October 2 [10 favorites]
Ask me sensitive questions like salary info, bonus, etc. for the sake of comparing
It's actually good for you to know what your coworkers are making. Bosses love to cultivate the idea that salary/bonus benefit info is should be kept secret, or that it's a faux pas to discuss them, because that only benefits the boss.
A lot of the rest of these things are just... personality or choices that aren't really your place to get involved in (e.g., gossip, talking about how much she does or doesn't like others, not wanting to go above and beyond).
I would only bring up the stuff that's an actual issue (aggression, and performance that affects your ability to function). Otherwise I'd leave it alone. She may not be around much longer anyhow, as it doesn't sound like she's very happy at her current job.
posted by axiom at 5:51 PM on October 2 [37 favorites]
It's actually good for you to know what your coworkers are making. Bosses love to cultivate the idea that salary/bonus benefit info is should be kept secret, or that it's a faux pas to discuss them, because that only benefits the boss.
A lot of the rest of these things are just... personality or choices that aren't really your place to get involved in (e.g., gossip, talking about how much she does or doesn't like others, not wanting to go above and beyond).
I would only bring up the stuff that's an actual issue (aggression, and performance that affects your ability to function). Otherwise I'd leave it alone. She may not be around much longer anyhow, as it doesn't sound like she's very happy at her current job.
posted by axiom at 5:51 PM on October 2 [37 favorites]
-Constantly want to dig for gossips or rumors at work
Decline offers for gossip. Ideally by changing the subject. Have you seen the new menus in X software? Much nicer, I think. Be persistent.
-Bring up politics in conversations
I don't enjoy discussing politics at work; it gets too heated for me. Then change the subject.
-Ask me sensitive questions like salary info, bonus, etc. for the sake of comparing
I feel awkward discussing my pay. though it is legal and can be a good idea.
-"C gets degree" effort in all projects and assignments unless they are deemed important to her
-Not being a team player in taking on projects or tasks that benefit the team
-Does not pay attention during team calls or trainings and would ask questions about obvious things that were discussed or that this person should have the fundamental knowledge of. It can be a waste of my time having to re-explain things over and over until it sticks.
-Display micro aggressions in normal conversations
-Have directly told me that she likes the colleagues and manager at her previous job better than current job
These are problematic for the company. It can be a waste of my time having to re-explain things over and over until it sticks. is making more work for you. Good agendas help with this, and notes from meetings being published. I think that's in last Thursday's meeting agenda makes her go look it up.
Make sure she doesn't take credit for your work. Keep notes, and if this causes trouble for you, meet with your manager to discuss it.
Poeple like this make more work for others and can make a workplace difficult, but this is for a manager to resolve.
posted by theora55 at 6:04 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]
Decline offers for gossip. Ideally by changing the subject. Have you seen the new menus in X software? Much nicer, I think. Be persistent.
-Bring up politics in conversations
I don't enjoy discussing politics at work; it gets too heated for me. Then change the subject.
-Ask me sensitive questions like salary info, bonus, etc. for the sake of comparing
I feel awkward discussing my pay. though it is legal and can be a good idea.
-"C gets degree" effort in all projects and assignments unless they are deemed important to her
-Not being a team player in taking on projects or tasks that benefit the team
-Does not pay attention during team calls or trainings and would ask questions about obvious things that were discussed or that this person should have the fundamental knowledge of. It can be a waste of my time having to re-explain things over and over until it sticks.
-Display micro aggressions in normal conversations
-Have directly told me that she likes the colleagues and manager at her previous job better than current job
These are problematic for the company. It can be a waste of my time having to re-explain things over and over until it sticks. is making more work for you. Good agendas help with this, and notes from meetings being published. I think that's in last Thursday's meeting agenda makes her go look it up.
Make sure she doesn't take credit for your work. Keep notes, and if this causes trouble for you, meet with your manager to discuss it.
Poeple like this make more work for others and can make a workplace difficult, but this is for a manager to resolve.
posted by theora55 at 6:04 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]
If "micro aggressions" means she's making or doing racist / sexist / ableist / homophobic comments or actions, please tell your boss. The rest of it, unless you:ve been explicitly asked to train her and thus would have standing to report on how she's doing, I agree you shouldn't report unless it's causing you work-related problems. You can also decline to keep re-explaining things and tell her to ask your manager if she needs more help.
posted by lapis at 6:48 PM on October 2 [7 favorites]
posted by lapis at 6:48 PM on October 2 [7 favorites]
As a manager, I can say that if a report came to me complaining about another report, and it wasn't something serious[*], or at least something directly impacting the complainant, then it would reflect worse on the snitch than the person being complained about.
[*] serious = sexual or other harassment, racism, etc. OTOH, failing to pay attention during meetings, or failing to put in effort: don't be tattling about stuff like that, it's not a good look. Discussing salary is an employee's legal right in the US, so that one in particular is a really bad thing to complain to management about.
posted by splitpeasoup at 9:52 PM on October 2 [10 favorites]
[*] serious = sexual or other harassment, racism, etc. OTOH, failing to pay attention during meetings, or failing to put in effort: don't be tattling about stuff like that, it's not a good look. Discussing salary is an employee's legal right in the US, so that one in particular is a really bad thing to complain to management about.
posted by splitpeasoup at 9:52 PM on October 2 [10 favorites]
Frankly this doesn't sound like a job that pays well enough to earn an employee's full attention. You don't have to be responsible for filing your coworker in on missed information, but you don't have to make a shitty job harder by being the boss's enforcer either.
Which is to say, if you didn't feel so burdened by your perceived responsibility to help out (or just grin and bear it with) your annoying coworker, their annoying qualities wouldn't become your problem to deal with. Address that by setting clearer boundaries. You don't have to be less friendly in doing so; you just have to do it in the moment, kindly but without apology or justification.
posted by knucklebones at 11:27 PM on October 2 [4 favorites]
Which is to say, if you didn't feel so burdened by your perceived responsibility to help out (or just grin and bear it with) your annoying coworker, their annoying qualities wouldn't become your problem to deal with. Address that by setting clearer boundaries. You don't have to be less friendly in doing so; you just have to do it in the moment, kindly but without apology or justification.
posted by knucklebones at 11:27 PM on October 2 [4 favorites]
If there is harassment behavior (it doesn't seem like it), of course go to H.R. But I would not go to your boss.
I think you need to reduce and alter your interactions with this person. Redirect and don't engage! Don't gossip, don't repeat gossip, don't ask for gossip. Change the subject, leave the area, etc..
I am pretty sure the last thing your boss wants is to be involved in what can be read as petty office politics. Who cares if she or he liked another job more than this one? I get this person is annoying and tends to slack off, but it doesn't sound like it is your problem to solve.
If and when this person does something specific that does affect your work, document it --"I will be late with the report because this afternoon I spent a few hours helping co-worker with sub-project."
(Wanting to know salary info is not inherently bad or rude.)
If you truly feel this person is a legitimate detriment, you could potentially express concerns to your boss in the context of a negative impact on the team and the team's output. But I would be very careful. New person's personality aside, I worry that there could be some scapegoating or targeting of this person. As frustrating as it is, even a mediocre, lazy employee deserves decency. I am not saying you are being mean--in fact I think you are probably being too friendly, but these things can deteriorate, so I'd be cautious about exacerbating the bad feelings.
Lastly, as a manager, I learned that not every worker is going to be a high achiever. Sometimes bosses are okay with tolerating a certain amount of slacking because the alternative is more trouble. So, your boss might just not care.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:22 AM on October 3
I think you need to reduce and alter your interactions with this person. Redirect and don't engage! Don't gossip, don't repeat gossip, don't ask for gossip. Change the subject, leave the area, etc..
I am pretty sure the last thing your boss wants is to be involved in what can be read as petty office politics. Who cares if she or he liked another job more than this one? I get this person is annoying and tends to slack off, but it doesn't sound like it is your problem to solve.
If and when this person does something specific that does affect your work, document it --"I will be late with the report because this afternoon I spent a few hours helping co-worker with sub-project."
(Wanting to know salary info is not inherently bad or rude.)
If you truly feel this person is a legitimate detriment, you could potentially express concerns to your boss in the context of a negative impact on the team and the team's output. But I would be very careful. New person's personality aside, I worry that there could be some scapegoating or targeting of this person. As frustrating as it is, even a mediocre, lazy employee deserves decency. I am not saying you are being mean--in fact I think you are probably being too friendly, but these things can deteriorate, so I'd be cautious about exacerbating the bad feelings.
Lastly, as a manager, I learned that not every worker is going to be a high achiever. Sometimes bosses are okay with tolerating a certain amount of slacking because the alternative is more trouble. So, your boss might just not care.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:22 AM on October 3
Yeah, this isn't quite go-to-the-boss material.
She talks to you most because you're most receptive. Don't be so receptive. As others mentioned, deflect any conversations you don't want to have.
"I don't know" is a wonderful answer to most questions (even if you do know the answer). Get her to start thinking for herself. "Oh, I'm not 100% sure, but I remember that was covered in yesterday's meeting; check your notes, I'm sure it's in there." Or if it's getting egregious, direct her to your boss so she can tell your boss herself that she's being incompetent. "I don't remember; maybe check with [boss]."
Microaggressions can be an issue. Don't accept those, but let her know that's not accepted here. "Oh, why did you say that? Were you trying to be rude?" or "That's not nice; are you saying XYZ?"
Back away, disengage, and let her spin her own web of entanglement.
posted by hydra77 at 5:59 AM on October 3 [3 favorites]
She talks to you most because you're most receptive. Don't be so receptive. As others mentioned, deflect any conversations you don't want to have.
"I don't know" is a wonderful answer to most questions (even if you do know the answer). Get her to start thinking for herself. "Oh, I'm not 100% sure, but I remember that was covered in yesterday's meeting; check your notes, I'm sure it's in there." Or if it's getting egregious, direct her to your boss so she can tell your boss herself that she's being incompetent. "I don't remember; maybe check with [boss]."
Microaggressions can be an issue. Don't accept those, but let her know that's not accepted here. "Oh, why did you say that? Were you trying to be rude?" or "That's not nice; are you saying XYZ?"
Back away, disengage, and let her spin her own web of entanglement.
posted by hydra77 at 5:59 AM on October 3 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: These are all great advice and inputs. Thank you all!
posted by missybitsy at 6:21 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]
posted by missybitsy at 6:21 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]
-Display micro aggressions in normal conversations
This is the one that's most concerning to me. Are these directed at you or someone else? If it's directed at you, I might go to the boss (depending the nature of the microagression). If it's directed at/about someone else, I'd address it directly. "I'm not comfortable with that language. It's inappropriate." Something like that.
-Constantly want to dig for gossips or rumors at work
-Bring up politics in conversations
This is where you can and should set some explicit boundaries. It will benefit you to do this, and it's a good skill to have, so consider this practice if you aren't in the habit of it. "I prefer not to discuss politics at work" and "I don't want to discuss the personal lives of coworkers" and "I don't like to speculate about our colleagues" are fine starting sentences. If she continues, you might have to be more direct. Try something like, "Gosh, this isn't what I want to discuss right now. Let's check in later." And then you need to be willing to walk/turn away.
-"C gets degree" effort in all projects and assignments unless they are deemed important to her
-Not being a team player in taking on projects or tasks that benefit the team
-Does not pay attention during team calls or trainings and would ask questions about obvious things that were discussed or that this person should have the fundamental knowledge of. It can be a waste of my time having to re-explain things over and over until it sticks.
This is "she's not a great coworker or employee" kind of stuff that your bosses will probably see. Until it really starts to take a ton of your time, this is just one of those workplace annoyances. Have some trust that your boss sees it too.
-Ask me sensitive questions like salary info, bonus, etc. for the sake of comparing
This seems fine to me, really. You don't have to answer this about yourself, but it's not like asking someone about a personal medical issue. Employers perpetuate inequity through secret-keeping about stuff like this.
-Have directly told me that she likes the colleagues and manager at her previous job better than current job
This is super annoying of her to say, but also, in a way, the least of the crimes here. I'd try to deflect, tell her you don't want to compare, or just ignore it. Reporting this to your boss won't reflect well on either of you.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:57 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]
This is the one that's most concerning to me. Are these directed at you or someone else? If it's directed at you, I might go to the boss (depending the nature of the microagression). If it's directed at/about someone else, I'd address it directly. "I'm not comfortable with that language. It's inappropriate." Something like that.
-Constantly want to dig for gossips or rumors at work
-Bring up politics in conversations
This is where you can and should set some explicit boundaries. It will benefit you to do this, and it's a good skill to have, so consider this practice if you aren't in the habit of it. "I prefer not to discuss politics at work" and "I don't want to discuss the personal lives of coworkers" and "I don't like to speculate about our colleagues" are fine starting sentences. If she continues, you might have to be more direct. Try something like, "Gosh, this isn't what I want to discuss right now. Let's check in later." And then you need to be willing to walk/turn away.
-"C gets degree" effort in all projects and assignments unless they are deemed important to her
-Not being a team player in taking on projects or tasks that benefit the team
-Does not pay attention during team calls or trainings and would ask questions about obvious things that were discussed or that this person should have the fundamental knowledge of. It can be a waste of my time having to re-explain things over and over until it sticks.
This is "she's not a great coworker or employee" kind of stuff that your bosses will probably see. Until it really starts to take a ton of your time, this is just one of those workplace annoyances. Have some trust that your boss sees it too.
-Ask me sensitive questions like salary info, bonus, etc. for the sake of comparing
This seems fine to me, really. You don't have to answer this about yourself, but it's not like asking someone about a personal medical issue. Employers perpetuate inequity through secret-keeping about stuff like this.
-Have directly told me that she likes the colleagues and manager at her previous job better than current job
This is super annoying of her to say, but also, in a way, the least of the crimes here. I'd try to deflect, tell her you don't want to compare, or just ignore it. Reporting this to your boss won't reflect well on either of you.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:57 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]
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posted by heatherlogan at 5:21 PM on October 2 [4 favorites]