Self-worth starting to get tied to job..
September 20, 2024 12:38 PM Subscribe
How do I untie it?
I've been working (almost a year) in production for a small-ish entertainment ad agency in the west coast. I sort of fell into this work as a means to stay afloat. I've worked for other agencies before and they all have the same toxic work space. My job is lower level and even though I've entertained the idea of moving into different departments - I've lost interest based on how toxic and fake office culture is. At least in this industry.
My true passion is art and I've been an artist my whole life. The job is a way to support my artistic pursuits.
I feel as though I've been tying my self worth to this job lately. I'm almost 40 and everyone else in my team are in their mid 20's. I'm starting to feel embarrassed that I haven't achieved a promotion and that my younger co-workers are doing a better job than me. I do the best I can and I honestly try to be as friendly and hardworking as I can be. I feel this job puts a lot of stress on status. Our production team isn't very popular among other departments. I get iced out by a lot of people in the office. Probably because all of us are so dispensable and replaceable.
Day in and day out I feel like it's starting to effect my self-esteem. I'm becoming hard on myself and I'm starting to feel pretty worthless and unimportant. A 40 year old loser. I'm starting to care about being friendly with other people at work, being liked. I'm starting to take things way too personally (especially when certain work is trusted more with my younger co-worker). I feel like if I don't care about this job as much as other people then I'm doing something wrong.
I'm currently in therapy/taking anxiety medication and I'm planning on bringing this up next session.
Any insight/advice would be appreciated. Thank you
I've been working (almost a year) in production for a small-ish entertainment ad agency in the west coast. I sort of fell into this work as a means to stay afloat. I've worked for other agencies before and they all have the same toxic work space. My job is lower level and even though I've entertained the idea of moving into different departments - I've lost interest based on how toxic and fake office culture is. At least in this industry.
My true passion is art and I've been an artist my whole life. The job is a way to support my artistic pursuits.
I feel as though I've been tying my self worth to this job lately. I'm almost 40 and everyone else in my team are in their mid 20's. I'm starting to feel embarrassed that I haven't achieved a promotion and that my younger co-workers are doing a better job than me. I do the best I can and I honestly try to be as friendly and hardworking as I can be. I feel this job puts a lot of stress on status. Our production team isn't very popular among other departments. I get iced out by a lot of people in the office. Probably because all of us are so dispensable and replaceable.
Day in and day out I feel like it's starting to effect my self-esteem. I'm becoming hard on myself and I'm starting to feel pretty worthless and unimportant. A 40 year old loser. I'm starting to care about being friendly with other people at work, being liked. I'm starting to take things way too personally (especially when certain work is trusted more with my younger co-worker). I feel like if I don't care about this job as much as other people then I'm doing something wrong.
I'm currently in therapy/taking anxiety medication and I'm planning on bringing this up next session.
Any insight/advice would be appreciated. Thank you
I feel like if I don't care about this job as much as other people then I'm doing something wrong.
It sounds like you have different goals and values around work than your colleagues. That can be in tension with the very human desire to feel a sense of belonging. Are there other places in your life where you do feel like you belong? Focusing more on investing in or finding those places might help balance your experience at work. It's hard to feel out of step with everyone at a place you spend a lot of time, so having strong supports outside of work might help, if getting another job isn't an option for you.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:01 PM on September 20
It sounds like you have different goals and values around work than your colleagues. That can be in tension with the very human desire to feel a sense of belonging. Are there other places in your life where you do feel like you belong? Focusing more on investing in or finding those places might help balance your experience at work. It's hard to feel out of step with everyone at a place you spend a lot of time, so having strong supports outside of work might help, if getting another job isn't an option for you.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:01 PM on September 20
This is a great question. I am way too identified with my job and the highs and lows of that are pretty extreme.
First of all, of course you want to be liked and when you’re iced out it hurts— I don’t think that’s on you, it’s human. And icing people out, or having an in crowd and an out crowd, are objectively foul behaviors in any environment, of course that gets to you.
Secondly, you’re an artist supporting yourself and not a climber. That doesn’t make you a loser, that makes you the definition of cool in my book. I wonder if you can have something to look forward to with your art—some kind of show or community event?
Thirdly, do you really want to fit in completely with the 20 year old climbers? When I try that it’s like, “how do you do, fellow kids?” When I instead embrace my middle-aged wisdom, not giving a fuck-ness, sees-through-it-all-and-rises-above attitude that I’ve earned, I get a lot more respect and even if I don’t, I’m able to care less. So is there a way you can see the benefits of being an artist and a grown woman?
Lastly, I’d suggest prioritizing relationships outside of work, with people who have nothing to do with your industry. If you aren’t fulfilled in that area even a pet can make you feel like a million bucks because they love you and they don’t even know what an agency is.
posted by kapers at 1:10 PM on September 20
First of all, of course you want to be liked and when you’re iced out it hurts— I don’t think that’s on you, it’s human. And icing people out, or having an in crowd and an out crowd, are objectively foul behaviors in any environment, of course that gets to you.
Secondly, you’re an artist supporting yourself and not a climber. That doesn’t make you a loser, that makes you the definition of cool in my book. I wonder if you can have something to look forward to with your art—some kind of show or community event?
Thirdly, do you really want to fit in completely with the 20 year old climbers? When I try that it’s like, “how do you do, fellow kids?” When I instead embrace my middle-aged wisdom, not giving a fuck-ness, sees-through-it-all-and-rises-above attitude that I’ve earned, I get a lot more respect and even if I don’t, I’m able to care less. So is there a way you can see the benefits of being an artist and a grown woman?
Lastly, I’d suggest prioritizing relationships outside of work, with people who have nothing to do with your industry. If you aren’t fulfilled in that area even a pet can make you feel like a million bucks because they love you and they don’t even know what an agency is.
posted by kapers at 1:10 PM on September 20
My true passion is art and I've been an artist my whole life...can be in tension with the very human desire to feel a sense of belonging
Maybe a corollary idea is the perhaps fiction of a 'soul mate'. Some people have a strong attachment to the premise that one person can satisfy the role of lover/confidant/bestfriend/parentfigure/parentofurchildren/leader/consoler/etc.
...And maybe that expectation is too optimistic. Maybe your expectation around your job is similarly over-inflated with too many expectations about the role it can have in your life. I think deciding on this is a first step before evaluating whether the trade-offs of time and identity relative to the expectations of your professional peers can be properly considered.
Also, my 2c is that if you're able to clearly hear your inner voice of creative impulses, you should get there.
Good luck.
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 1:17 PM on September 20
Maybe a corollary idea is the perhaps fiction of a 'soul mate'. Some people have a strong attachment to the premise that one person can satisfy the role of lover/confidant/bestfriend/parentfigure/parentofurchildren/leader/consoler/etc.
...And maybe that expectation is too optimistic. Maybe your expectation around your job is similarly over-inflated with too many expectations about the role it can have in your life. I think deciding on this is a first step before evaluating whether the trade-offs of time and identity relative to the expectations of your professional peers can be properly considered.
Also, my 2c is that if you're able to clearly hear your inner voice of creative impulses, you should get there.
Good luck.
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 1:17 PM on September 20
Hello fellow agency-producer-too-junior-for-early-40s!
I'm in the same boat! Been doing the agency production thing for a bit, having sort of fallen into it in my 30s after a failed other career attempt post-graduate school. I am behind most people my age, and have managers who are younger than me.
I hear you on how toxic and exhausting this industry is. But I've gotten to a place where I've worked lots of different kinds of jobs and jobs are gonna job. Employment these days in almost any industry is limited and cut-throat and just disheartening sometimes!
What I've done is agency-hop and stick around as long as I feel comfortable (I was at one agency for four years and I've hopped almost every since--on my fourth agency). When I feel it's toxic, I move on! I'm constantly applying and interviewing for jobs, regardless of whether it's time to hop, and this strategy has worked well for me (so far!).
More importantly: I Just. Don't. Give. A Fuck. It's a JOB. I do my job to the best of my ability (which some days my ability is low), try to connect with the people at said job that add to the joy of the day-to-day grind, get my paycheck and then do my best to try to enjoy my real life.
Feel free to memail if you want to talk to someone who's in the same boat but feels mostly okay about it!
posted by greta simone at 1:53 PM on September 20
I'm in the same boat! Been doing the agency production thing for a bit, having sort of fallen into it in my 30s after a failed other career attempt post-graduate school. I am behind most people my age, and have managers who are younger than me.
I hear you on how toxic and exhausting this industry is. But I've gotten to a place where I've worked lots of different kinds of jobs and jobs are gonna job. Employment these days in almost any industry is limited and cut-throat and just disheartening sometimes!
What I've done is agency-hop and stick around as long as I feel comfortable (I was at one agency for four years and I've hopped almost every since--on my fourth agency). When I feel it's toxic, I move on! I'm constantly applying and interviewing for jobs, regardless of whether it's time to hop, and this strategy has worked well for me (so far!).
More importantly: I Just. Don't. Give. A Fuck. It's a JOB. I do my job to the best of my ability (which some days my ability is low), try to connect with the people at said job that add to the joy of the day-to-day grind, get my paycheck and then do my best to try to enjoy my real life.
Feel free to memail if you want to talk to someone who's in the same boat but feels mostly okay about it!
posted by greta simone at 1:53 PM on September 20
I found that reading the /r/antiwork subreddit for a while cured me of seeing jobs as anything other than a means to get money, or caring about a career beyond finding the least annoying way to make the most money for the time given up.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:04 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 2:04 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]
It's not you. Twentysomethings are just hard work. Put a bunch of them in charge of stuff and the all-pervading spurious personal insecurity just leaks in everywhere.
On the upside, the office politics don't have much subtlety or depth.
posted by flabdablet at 2:25 PM on September 20
On the upside, the office politics don't have much subtlety or depth.
posted by flabdablet at 2:25 PM on September 20
I'm asking you this because I ask myself all the time: do your values and the values of the people you work with match up? If you started behaving like the people you work with, would you be proud of yourself?
My answer to both of those questions is no. And once I started thinking about it like that, it made it easier for me to not feel like a loser at work (I still have my moments) and to measure my performance against my own value system, not someone else's. Am I being kind and conscientious? Is my work high-quality, beautiful, on brand, to spec? Are my clients happy? If I'm checking all those boxes, then I think I'm doing great. And honestly, if I was behaving like my coworkers I would feel pretty awful - not because there's something wrong with them; i just have vastly different priorities for myself.
So why not try to bring your focus back onto your own values? Because it sounds like other people are contaminating them.
posted by Stoof at 4:04 PM on September 20
My answer to both of those questions is no. And once I started thinking about it like that, it made it easier for me to not feel like a loser at work (I still have my moments) and to measure my performance against my own value system, not someone else's. Am I being kind and conscientious? Is my work high-quality, beautiful, on brand, to spec? Are my clients happy? If I'm checking all those boxes, then I think I'm doing great. And honestly, if I was behaving like my coworkers I would feel pretty awful - not because there's something wrong with them; i just have vastly different priorities for myself.
So why not try to bring your focus back onto your own values? Because it sounds like other people are contaminating them.
posted by Stoof at 4:04 PM on September 20
In my experience, ad agencies can be very toxic and status-oriented. Maybe a different job?
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:51 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:51 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]
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If this is a new problem, are you focusing on work to avoid dealing with something else?
Also trying something new and being able to see improvement at it week by week, has been a good mood booster for me when I'm stressed out by stuff I can't control at work.
posted by Art_Pot at 1:00 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]