MetaFashionistas, I need your help.
September 15, 2024 6:42 PM Subscribe
I have to go to a wedding whose invite calls for "formal attire" (for people I've never met; one is a friend of Mr. Blah's). I do not want to spend money on this, but can I possibly combine items I already own? See inside for some details.
I have this Zuri dress. I have a motorcycle boot similar to this. So frequently I combine these two - that's a look I feel comfortable in. With or without black tights.
I also have a Zuri dress similar to this but in silvery gray. However it's a bit too small so I can only wear it open as a jacket. I have these pants in dark gray and light gray, and in real life they look like something from Eileen Fisher. I have these shoes in gray and also in lightest pink. So maybe these combine in some way?
I have a classic pearl necklace, and some more creative pieces including my great-great-aunt's flapper beads which go to my waist.
Mr. Blah will be wearing a dark suit and tie; he will not have the slightest care in the world what I'm wearing as long as it isn't, you know, jeans. The wedding is late afternoon into evening, outdoors at a fancy hotel in Santa Barbara. I fully expect many women to be wearing gowns, men to be wearing tuxes. But this is hardcore "I don't give a shit" territory for me. I don't want to embarrass myself, but I also notice, for example, that when I go to events sometimes there are older women wearing creative clothing that makes them stand out in a lovely way and I'm thinking somehow I can conjure this up for myself at this event? I'd love your feedback or suggestions.
I might be convinced to spend money on shoes, but I have a nerve problem in one foot so they generally have to be well padded and flat or nearly so. From a known "comfort brand" is the best choice.
I have this Zuri dress. I have a motorcycle boot similar to this. So frequently I combine these two - that's a look I feel comfortable in. With or without black tights.
I also have a Zuri dress similar to this but in silvery gray. However it's a bit too small so I can only wear it open as a jacket. I have these pants in dark gray and light gray, and in real life they look like something from Eileen Fisher. I have these shoes in gray and also in lightest pink. So maybe these combine in some way?
I have a classic pearl necklace, and some more creative pieces including my great-great-aunt's flapper beads which go to my waist.
Mr. Blah will be wearing a dark suit and tie; he will not have the slightest care in the world what I'm wearing as long as it isn't, you know, jeans. The wedding is late afternoon into evening, outdoors at a fancy hotel in Santa Barbara. I fully expect many women to be wearing gowns, men to be wearing tuxes. But this is hardcore "I don't give a shit" territory for me. I don't want to embarrass myself, but I also notice, for example, that when I go to events sometimes there are older women wearing creative clothing that makes them stand out in a lovely way and I'm thinking somehow I can conjure this up for myself at this event? I'd love your feedback or suggestions.
I might be convinced to spend money on shoes, but I have a nerve problem in one foot so they generally have to be well padded and flat or nearly so. From a known "comfort brand" is the best choice.
I’m sorry but not a single article of clothing that you shared comes even close to formal attire. If you don’t give a shit, that’s your prerogative, but I think as someone’s guest at their wedding, it’s respectful to dress how they wish. If you don’t wish to dress the part then I believe you should decline the invitation.
posted by greta simone at 7:05 PM on September 15 [69 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 7:05 PM on September 15 [69 favorites]
I would wear the clothes you are linking to/describing for the most part, but I would not find them appropriate for a formal wedding at a hotel in the afternoon/evening. I understand that you do not wish to buy something new, but at the same time, it's not a bad idea to have a formal outfit in your closet for those occasions when you do have an occasion that calls for one. This occasion calls for one. I understand that Mr Blah doesn't care what you wear but it's kind to him to make an effort to keep up the side or to decline and stay home.
Alternative and possibly cheaper: find a service like Rent the Runway and rent. I haven't done this, but I have the outfits for weddings and funerals in my closet already, and I've heard good things.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 7:34 PM on September 15 [12 favorites]
Alternative and possibly cheaper: find a service like Rent the Runway and rent. I haven't done this, but I have the outfits for weddings and funerals in my closet already, and I've heard good things.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 7:34 PM on September 15 [12 favorites]
Do you want to communicate "I don't give a shit" or do you want to communicate "This is formal...for me" ? I think wearing any combination of what you've linked leans more toward the first. None of it is formal. If you wanted to nudge it toward the second, you could signal formal by incorporating black and white. But it would mean some money. Maybe not a lot? For instance this top in either the black or white with contrasting trim, with your existing trousers gets you closer to formal. That shirt doesn't seem like your style but none of the tunic shirts I found were formal enough in my opinion. Then you'd need a more formal shoe (not the motorcycle boot - and I say that as someone happy to push the envelope). Would you feel better about buying more formal shoes if they'd last a while and you'd get use out of them? The price per wear goes down, etc.
I know what you mean about the older women wearing creative clothing. My sense, having known someone like that, is that it's a total lifestyle, not just a one-off event clothing thing. Picture Prue Leith, or Cynthia Pastor, right? You might browse Cynthia's Instagram for ideas, but there are only a few (1, 2, 3) that jump out as formal to me because of the black and white.
posted by cocoagirl at 7:38 PM on September 15
I know what you mean about the older women wearing creative clothing. My sense, having known someone like that, is that it's a total lifestyle, not just a one-off event clothing thing. Picture Prue Leith, or Cynthia Pastor, right? You might browse Cynthia's Instagram for ideas, but there are only a few (1, 2, 3) that jump out as formal to me because of the black and white.
posted by cocoagirl at 7:38 PM on September 15
Answering this from the POV of “shop your closet”:
Since this is “hardcore I don’t give a shit territory” for you, I think you could pull off the first Zuri dress as formal wear as it has a bit of a 60’s formal vibe to it, but you need to get super creative with the styling of the dress with the shoes and accessories. Open up the collar of the dress as far as you are comfortable. Classic pearls are an excellent choice. If you have some funky bracelets or rings, wear them. Are you an earrings person? Find the most glamorous pair and rock them. Standout accessories will draw less attention to the dress. Go super glam on makeup and hair if that is your thing.
Ditch the boots. In other circumstances they would be perfect with the dress, but this is not it. I own one pair of neutral low heels, made by Stuart Weitzman. They are shockingly comfortable in spite of the lack of padding (and I am ALL about padding, my everyday shoe is Dansko) and there are some really nice styles available right now. Pair with skin tone tights to give your legs a nice even look.
If you want to go funky, Snag makes some wonderful tights.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 8:00 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]
Since this is “hardcore I don’t give a shit territory” for you, I think you could pull off the first Zuri dress as formal wear as it has a bit of a 60’s formal vibe to it, but you need to get super creative with the styling of the dress with the shoes and accessories. Open up the collar of the dress as far as you are comfortable. Classic pearls are an excellent choice. If you have some funky bracelets or rings, wear them. Are you an earrings person? Find the most glamorous pair and rock them. Standout accessories will draw less attention to the dress. Go super glam on makeup and hair if that is your thing.
Ditch the boots. In other circumstances they would be perfect with the dress, but this is not it. I own one pair of neutral low heels, made by Stuart Weitzman. They are shockingly comfortable in spite of the lack of padding (and I am ALL about padding, my everyday shoe is Dansko) and there are some really nice styles available right now. Pair with skin tone tights to give your legs a nice even look.
If you want to go funky, Snag makes some wonderful tights.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 8:00 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]
Hello from the Bay Area. As you know, formal in CA tends to have a lot more leeway - unless they said black tie & gowns, I think you'll be OK with nouvelle-personne's suggestion.
I was going to suggest a silk/satin tank in silver or a pink that plays off the shoes. This Clarks sandal might work with your foot issues and the metallic would dress up your outfit a bit. You could also check out eshaki sale items - they often have maxi dresses that are very inexpensive.
Try the flapper beads - they sound more fun and could be a unique touch for the outfit.
For reference: I never wear dresses - I'm not that femme, so it feels like bad drag. For these types of events I just make sure I genuinely like my outfit (even if it doesn't fully measure up to the dress code) because then I am relaxed and projecting confidence.
posted by jenquat at 8:06 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]
I was going to suggest a silk/satin tank in silver or a pink that plays off the shoes. This Clarks sandal might work with your foot issues and the metallic would dress up your outfit a bit. You could also check out eshaki sale items - they often have maxi dresses that are very inexpensive.
Try the flapper beads - they sound more fun and could be a unique touch for the outfit.
For reference: I never wear dresses - I'm not that femme, so it feels like bad drag. For these types of events I just make sure I genuinely like my outfit (even if it doesn't fully measure up to the dress code) because then I am relaxed and projecting confidence.
posted by jenquat at 8:06 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]
dr scholls has dressy shoes on their website
Nthing NO COMBAT BOOTS
posted by brujita at 8:06 PM on September 15 [5 favorites]
Nthing NO COMBAT BOOTS
posted by brujita at 8:06 PM on September 15 [5 favorites]
You can get a formal gown for less than $20 on thredup. That's probably a lot less than all the accessories -doctoring you'd have to try with your own clothes.
posted by ojocaliente at 8:07 PM on September 15 [21 favorites]
posted by ojocaliente at 8:07 PM on September 15 [21 favorites]
In order to answer this question, we need to know what about this is hardcore "I don't give a shit" territory for you. Is it the idea that you would have to buy things? Is it the idea that the things you own wouldn't be good enough? Is it conformity?
posted by corb at 8:54 PM on September 15 [7 favorites]
posted by corb at 8:54 PM on September 15 [7 favorites]
You mention not wanting to embarrass yourself (nor, presumably, your husband). At least one of you is likely to stand out (not in the good way) when you are seated or are standing next to each other if both your outfits are not at approximately the same level of formality, so that's something to consider.
In a situation where budget is a constraint but time is not, I would search secondhand stores or sites for a long dress or jumpsuit in a dark color and a formal-looking fabric. For example avoid a gauzy cotton- or linen-like weave. Dresses can be had at secondhand stores inexpensively; the tradeoff is what you save in money you pay for in time searching. On the plus side, you end up with a snazzy looking formal outfit ready for future occasions without breaking the bank.
Fwiw, I'm not a huge stickler for dressing like everyone else and think, as effectively a guest of a guest, few people will care too much what you wear. But I would feel somewhat self-conscious and enjoy myself less at a party if I were to deviate too far from the expected dress code. Maybe you feel differently at social events!
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 8:56 PM on September 15 [4 favorites]
In a situation where budget is a constraint but time is not, I would search secondhand stores or sites for a long dress or jumpsuit in a dark color and a formal-looking fabric. For example avoid a gauzy cotton- or linen-like weave. Dresses can be had at secondhand stores inexpensively; the tradeoff is what you save in money you pay for in time searching. On the plus side, you end up with a snazzy looking formal outfit ready for future occasions without breaking the bank.
Fwiw, I'm not a huge stickler for dressing like everyone else and think, as effectively a guest of a guest, few people will care too much what you wear. But I would feel somewhat self-conscious and enjoy myself less at a party if I were to deviate too far from the expected dress code. Maybe you feel differently at social events!
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 8:56 PM on September 15 [4 favorites]
I got away at formal event with a black dress from old navy and some cheap flats coupled with diamond earrings. Maybe you could do something similar with your pearls to dress it up?
posted by Toddles at 9:01 PM on September 15 [9 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 9:01 PM on September 15 [9 favorites]
Since you are in the US, I agree Thredup might be the way to go for the dress. I just took a look and they are having a sale. I don’t know what size you are, but there is at least one decent looking formal gown for between $20-50 in every size up to 22 except size 20. It does seem like the stock changes quite frequently.
As an example, something like this or this or this would be appropriately formal, I think.
I usually don’t dress formally, so I’m sympathetic, but given that you are asking this question at all, I think you’d feel self-conscious about sticking out if you wore any of the items you linked from your closet. On preview, Goblin Barbarian also makes a good point about you and your husband being mismatched in formality level.
If I were you I would probably get a plain formal dress like the ones I linked above, but wear sandals similar to the Clarks that jenquat linked to. That would meet the “this is formal—for me” brief: I wouldn’t feel like I was sticking out but it also wouldn’t push me into “I feel like I’m wearing an uncomfortable costume” territory.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:16 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]
As an example, something like this or this or this would be appropriately formal, I think.
I usually don’t dress formally, so I’m sympathetic, but given that you are asking this question at all, I think you’d feel self-conscious about sticking out if you wore any of the items you linked from your closet. On preview, Goblin Barbarian also makes a good point about you and your husband being mismatched in formality level.
If I were you I would probably get a plain formal dress like the ones I linked above, but wear sandals similar to the Clarks that jenquat linked to. That would meet the “this is formal—for me” brief: I wouldn’t feel like I was sticking out but it also wouldn’t push me into “I feel like I’m wearing an uncomfortable costume” territory.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:16 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]
If you sincerely do not give a shit and Mr. Blah doesn’t either then yes, you could do something with that open tunic that could read as the casual end of formal. But I’d be inclined to say you’d need different pants as well as a dressier top for underneath, and some accessories to dress it up. And for me, at that point it would actually be much less mental and financial trouble to just buy, borrow, or rent a vaguely dressy dress that you can dress *down* enough to incorporate it into your everyday life, and call it a day. YMMV re: what causes you the least agita.
posted by Stacey at 9:20 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]
posted by Stacey at 9:20 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]
Just saw Toddles’ comment about a black Old Navy dress with pearls: here are a few that I think could work in black:
Fit & Flare Linen Blend Midi Dress
Sleeveless Satin Midi Slip Dress
Square Neck Midi Dress
Sleeveless Square Neck Midi Dress (linen blend)
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:31 PM on September 15 [7 favorites]
Fit & Flare Linen Blend Midi Dress
Sleeveless Satin Midi Slip Dress
Square Neck Midi Dress
Sleeveless Square Neck Midi Dress (linen blend)
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:31 PM on September 15 [7 favorites]
I always struggle with dressing up, but I'd stay home rather than show up at someone's wedding so blatantly defying the (standard) dress code for no better reason than that I didn't give a shit. Just buy or rent a simple sleek black dress (30% off atm) and put on some nicer shoes and jewelry. You'll be on the low end of formality, but not in a way that calls attention to itself. There, now you're fixed for all such events (including funerals!) for the next decade.
posted by praemunire at 9:35 PM on September 15 [4 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 9:35 PM on September 15 [4 favorites]
Do you have a sense of how California, for lack of a better phrase, this wedding and couple are? I'm from the Bay Area, and yeah, all the dresses hurdy gurdy girl links to would be on the high side of formal, in my opinion (ie more than what you need)
If you dgaf and just want to avoid massively standing out, nouvelle-personne's suggestion is perfect. Pair it with the long pearls or a long thin necklace and it has exactly the eclectic dresser vibes you describe.
I do think there's like, a 15% chance that the wedding is unexpectedly formal. If Mr Blah doesn't know the couple well which to know, I'd only do this if I could pull off having an ok time while massively underdressed. Again, if you dgaf the answer is probably yes.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 10:17 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]
If you dgaf and just want to avoid massively standing out, nouvelle-personne's suggestion is perfect. Pair it with the long pearls or a long thin necklace and it has exactly the eclectic dresser vibes you describe.
I do think there's like, a 15% chance that the wedding is unexpectedly formal. If Mr Blah doesn't know the couple well which to know, I'd only do this if I could pull off having an ok time while massively underdressed. Again, if you dgaf the answer is probably yes.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 10:17 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]
California is not one thing. "Fancy hotel in Santa Barbara" as in this question really isn't "hippie bay area pretty much everything works." OP doesn't GAS, but they should know that cooking from their pantry communicates that here.
posted by ponie at 10:25 PM on September 15 [15 favorites]
posted by ponie at 10:25 PM on September 15 [15 favorites]
I think it’s a good idea to have one formal outfit in your closet for times like this. Unfortunately nothing you link to begins to approach formal. The pants, though simple, have a texture that would only be okay during like a summertime semi casual garden event. Compared to gowns and tuxes you won’t just look less formal, you will look like you wandered in from somewhere else. I agree with the note above about corresponding your outfit in formality to your husband. He will be in basic men’s uniform - this is male privilege at work, but it’s true that a dark suit and tie work for a much wider range of occasions than the corresponding femme outfits. If you are willing to spend money, I highly suggest also buying a dark suit for yourself. A matching jacket and trousers over a silk button down shirt is going to be formal enough for almost any occasion, and you can make it less formal with mismatching the trousers and jacket, or increasing formality with a matching vest, or even a tie if you like. Ann Taylor is a really solid standard way to get a suit in a nice fabric that fits average bodies (I’m a 14 petite almost exactly for them, which was quite surprising), and right now they have a good selection of rich jewel tones and non-dour navies. You won’t be perceived as “mystery bohemian older woman who wears a poncho to a charity gala” but you can wear the same outfit to every formal occasion until you die with nobody barely noticing.
If you really do want to do the mystery boheme thing, I suggest looking at Soft Surroundings for inspiration and then thrifting or renting similar things. For example, this beaded velvet burnout topper, with a silk shell underneath in a tone to match this embroidered maxi skirt. Sundance Catalog’s Occasions and Gatherings category would also help calibrate your sense of what is more or less formal without being stuffy and boring.
As for shoes, match the color to whatever you are wearing on the bottom if you are wearing something that hits mid calf or lower, and nobody will notice or care about them. I think you should get some ankle boots (or booties) in your go-to neutral, which seems to be silver or grey going my your question. That way you can wear cushioned socks in them for extra comfort and you can find a pair that fit your preferred insole for support. These silver boots from Naturalizer have a western style that would work just fine with a more bohemian ecclectic look, or make a plain black dress more edgy, or add some sparkle to a fully matte outfit.
posted by Mizu at 10:57 PM on September 15 [4 favorites]
If you really do want to do the mystery boheme thing, I suggest looking at Soft Surroundings for inspiration and then thrifting or renting similar things. For example, this beaded velvet burnout topper, with a silk shell underneath in a tone to match this embroidered maxi skirt. Sundance Catalog’s Occasions and Gatherings category would also help calibrate your sense of what is more or less formal without being stuffy and boring.
As for shoes, match the color to whatever you are wearing on the bottom if you are wearing something that hits mid calf or lower, and nobody will notice or care about them. I think you should get some ankle boots (or booties) in your go-to neutral, which seems to be silver or grey going my your question. That way you can wear cushioned socks in them for extra comfort and you can find a pair that fit your preferred insole for support. These silver boots from Naturalizer have a western style that would work just fine with a more bohemian ecclectic look, or make a plain black dress more edgy, or add some sparkle to a fully matte outfit.
posted by Mizu at 10:57 PM on September 15 [4 favorites]
I suspect the tunic plus pants look may be too close to PJs in silhouette for comfort. Beach wedding yes, fancy hotel no.
Alas there are two neutral formal options - dark suit or little black dress. Both can be dressed up with accessories (flapper beads for the suit, definitely) up to opera opening night level and conservative cuts haven't really changed since the nineties, so it's one purchase for a long time. The boots will definitely work with a suit and actually might with a calm enough dress (no patterns, knee length ish, the options hurdy gurdy girl linked are great), otherwise most comfy-shoes companies offer a mary jane style - the strap punches up the formality just a tad and looks like you made a token effort.
(My current all season LBD is literally one my mother bought twenty years ago for maybe $200. It gets aired out maybe twice per year and I suspect it has another twenty years of useful life.)
posted by I claim sanctuary at 11:21 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]
Alas there are two neutral formal options - dark suit or little black dress. Both can be dressed up with accessories (flapper beads for the suit, definitely) up to opera opening night level and conservative cuts haven't really changed since the nineties, so it's one purchase for a long time. The boots will definitely work with a suit and actually might with a calm enough dress (no patterns, knee length ish, the options hurdy gurdy girl linked are great), otherwise most comfy-shoes companies offer a mary jane style - the strap punches up the formality just a tad and looks like you made a token effort.
(My current all season LBD is literally one my mother bought twenty years ago for maybe $200. It gets aired out maybe twice per year and I suspect it has another twenty years of useful life.)
posted by I claim sanctuary at 11:21 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]
Have realized the boots I linked to have an evil heel, apologies. Further boot suggestions because if I enjoy one stereotypical thing it is virtual shoe shopping:
Naot bootie, comes in a lovely soft grey and lots of other neutrals, matching color sole
Comfortiva ankle boot, extremely versatile style, contrasting natural brown heel in the grey with a subtle combo suede and smooth leather upper.
Trotters bootie with subtle textural interest, very sleek
Lucky Brand bootie that comes in metallic silver and metallic pewter, which I find to be an extremely versatile neutral, as well as an interesting suede tonal snake print that is much more subtle than it sounds
I further suggest boots because they are so multipurpose. None of these are high formal, but they are all able to be paired with formal clothes without looking completely out of place, except maybe with a giant chiffon ballgown. But they would also be good with basically any level of fancy below that down to running errands, and be good in basically any season depending on your sock choice.
posted by Mizu at 2:00 AM on September 16
Naot bootie, comes in a lovely soft grey and lots of other neutrals, matching color sole
Comfortiva ankle boot, extremely versatile style, contrasting natural brown heel in the grey with a subtle combo suede and smooth leather upper.
Trotters bootie with subtle textural interest, very sleek
Lucky Brand bootie that comes in metallic silver and metallic pewter, which I find to be an extremely versatile neutral, as well as an interesting suede tonal snake print that is much more subtle than it sounds
I further suggest boots because they are so multipurpose. None of these are high formal, but they are all able to be paired with formal clothes without looking completely out of place, except maybe with a giant chiffon ballgown. But they would also be good with basically any level of fancy below that down to running errands, and be good in basically any season depending on your sock choice.
posted by Mizu at 2:00 AM on September 16
I'd suggest looking at the Alex Evenings brand at Nordstrom. They offer a nice mix of formal-ish clothing (including separates) in a wide range of sizes, at a not-horrible price.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 2:47 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]
posted by Sweetie Darling at 2:47 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]
If youre doing tunic and pants you need them in glam materials like satin or velvet.
Amazon has satin wide leg palazzo pants for $30. Maybe a velvet dress over it and scarf and jewelry and suede flats
Black satin palazzo pants with a black velvet dress over it? would be easiest and enable you to hide a bit
I don't think you can shop your closet except for the flapper beads and pearl necklace and will have to outlay some money.
posted by jello at 5:48 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]
Amazon has satin wide leg palazzo pants for $30. Maybe a velvet dress over it and scarf and jewelry and suede flats
Black satin palazzo pants with a black velvet dress over it? would be easiest and enable you to hide a bit
I don't think you can shop your closet except for the flapper beads and pearl necklace and will have to outlay some money.
posted by jello at 5:48 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]
I know the older woman who does her own thing look and I think what often stands out is not choosing silhouettes because they look “slimming.” I don’t know this website, but this dress seems to be the style you’re describing and, as long as the fabric didn’t look cheap IRL, would be appropriate for a formal affair.
Anthropologie may be a place to look for inspiration. Here’s another dress that sounds like it would be appropriate
posted by raccoon409 at 6:14 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]
Anthropologie may be a place to look for inspiration. Here’s another dress that sounds like it would be appropriate
posted by raccoon409 at 6:14 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]
Gently, while I'm very glad that you have come to terms with the idea that you don't wish to be boxed in by formality, the event you are attending is not about how true to your current non-formal closet you can be as a guest, it's about the marrying couple.
Are you truly obligated to attend this wedding for a couple that you have never met and seem to have no feelings for? Would it be alright if Mr. Blah attended on his own?
If you are obligated to attend, but you don't wish to purchase anything beyond shoes, maybe there is a local listserv or facebook group where you can ask if anyone has any fun formal wear you can borrow for a wedding?
posted by donut_princess at 6:22 AM on September 16 [7 favorites]
Are you truly obligated to attend this wedding for a couple that you have never met and seem to have no feelings for? Would it be alright if Mr. Blah attended on his own?
If you are obligated to attend, but you don't wish to purchase anything beyond shoes, maybe there is a local listserv or facebook group where you can ask if anyone has any fun formal wear you can borrow for a wedding?
posted by donut_princess at 6:22 AM on September 16 [7 favorites]
You cannot wear any of those things to a formal wedding. You just can't. Those dresses are cute but they are not formal.
posted by notjustthefish at 6:32 AM on September 16 [12 favorites]
posted by notjustthefish at 6:32 AM on September 16 [12 favorites]
I think when you don't know the couple it's even more important to follow the instructions, because you're not loveable aunt Mary, but a person who has been invited in part because it's a formal event with a +1 expectation and all that.
But I do think there are dresses that will read as formal and still be relatively inexpensive and comfortable. A little black dress and sensible flats will serve you well for weddings and funerals going forward for years. Barring that, totally ask about borrowing a dress. My local Facebook group fields those kinds of requests and people love to see their clothes out having fun, especially the kind of mid-range formal cocktail dress that doesn't get worn a lot.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:57 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]
But I do think there are dresses that will read as formal and still be relatively inexpensive and comfortable. A little black dress and sensible flats will serve you well for weddings and funerals going forward for years. Barring that, totally ask about borrowing a dress. My local Facebook group fields those kinds of requests and people love to see their clothes out having fun, especially the kind of mid-range formal cocktail dress that doesn't get worn a lot.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:57 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]
Is getting a white shirt/blouse, black jacket, and ankle-length black slacks too much of an ask, though? These are flexible pieces that can combine from casual to formal and also go with anything else in your closet, so it's not like you're throwing money in the garbage. You'll need black flats, though. grey or pink won't cut it. Accessorize with silver or gold earrings and necklace according to your skin tone. Again, versatile pieces, not wasted money.
The alternative is to go really loud like the first dress raccoon409 linked, which works because it's a give-no-fucks design -- but it's got to be ankle or floor length or it isn't formal (it's cocktail).
Sadly, if you wear i-don't-care clothes to this wedding, it'll reflect poorly on your Mr, whether or not he personally cares what you look like.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:59 AM on September 16 [9 favorites]
The alternative is to go really loud like the first dress raccoon409 linked, which works because it's a give-no-fucks design -- but it's got to be ankle or floor length or it isn't formal (it's cocktail).
Sadly, if you wear i-don't-care clothes to this wedding, it'll reflect poorly on your Mr, whether or not he personally cares what you look like.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:59 AM on September 16 [9 favorites]
I had to go to a cocktail event and I borrowed a sequin blazer from a friend that has to dress up to sing opera. I wore simple black pants and a black silk tank underneath and let the blazer do the talking. It was perfect and I was super comfortable. If you do long pants or a long skirt then I think the choice of shoes is less of an issue. Fabric choice makes a huge difference here so I'd avoid cotton and try more silky flowy fabrics....you could probably get the pants and tank on amazon for super cheap. Search for sequin blazer on Threadup and you'll see lots of options.
posted by victoriab at 8:10 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]
posted by victoriab at 8:10 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It does seem like some people are getting "black tie" mixed up with "formal." They are not the same things.
I have been to two weddings this year with the formal dress code and have worn a very similar dress to this Calvin Klein midi faux-wrap and have been absolutely comfortable w/r/t how dressy I felt vs. how dressy everyone else was.
Formal is not black tie - you do NOT need a little black dress. But what you want to wear will not be within the dress code. Whether or not that matters to you is, honestly, between you and the person who knows the couple. I would err on the side of not offending the wedding couple but if your husband thinks they won't care, you do whatever you need to do to be comfortable. It's entirely possible they chose formal as the dress code because otherwise Uncle Kevin would show up in ratty jeans and tie-dye.
posted by cooker girl at 8:51 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]
I have been to two weddings this year with the formal dress code and have worn a very similar dress to this Calvin Klein midi faux-wrap and have been absolutely comfortable w/r/t how dressy I felt vs. how dressy everyone else was.
Formal is not black tie - you do NOT need a little black dress. But what you want to wear will not be within the dress code. Whether or not that matters to you is, honestly, between you and the person who knows the couple. I would err on the side of not offending the wedding couple but if your husband thinks they won't care, you do whatever you need to do to be comfortable. It's entirely possible they chose formal as the dress code because otherwise Uncle Kevin would show up in ratty jeans and tie-dye.
posted by cooker girl at 8:51 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]
I also hate a lot of parts of dressing up, but the trick with the eccentric aunt look is that embarrassing yourself is a bigger risk, and it is more expensive and fussier to hit that line than it sounds like you’d prefer.
I deal with this by finding things that are easy for me to wear in fabrics and/or cut that read more luxurious. The high hem and stonewashed cotton look of the linked pants is too casual, unfortunately.
I think the Zuri jacket might work over a shell and pants of roughly that looseness but completely covering the ankle, and more silky/flowing, or over a super crisp button down shirt and well tailored pants, though at that point you wouldn’t need the jacket to blend in just fine with the rest of it and the pearls.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:33 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]
I deal with this by finding things that are easy for me to wear in fabrics and/or cut that read more luxurious. The high hem and stonewashed cotton look of the linked pants is too casual, unfortunately.
I think the Zuri jacket might work over a shell and pants of roughly that looseness but completely covering the ankle, and more silky/flowing, or over a super crisp button down shirt and well tailored pants, though at that point you wouldn’t need the jacket to blend in just fine with the rest of it and the pearls.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:33 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]
Formal is not black tie - you do NOT need a little black dress.
"Black tie" is not LBD! It's a floor-length gown. (Yes, with modern relaxations of formality standards, you may be able to get away with a LBD at a black-tie event, but the fundamental definition of black tie for women is floor-length dress of dressy material.)
posted by praemunire at 9:50 AM on September 16 [19 favorites]
"Black tie" is not LBD! It's a floor-length gown. (Yes, with modern relaxations of formality standards, you may be able to get away with a LBD at a black-tie event, but the fundamental definition of black tie for women is floor-length dress of dressy material.)
posted by praemunire at 9:50 AM on September 16 [19 favorites]
Of the 4 Old Navy black dresses linked above, I've seen them all in person at the store. Only this satin one could maaaybe cut it at a formal wedding but the downward angle of the seams under the bust can be very unflattering (looks kinda saggy) so it may only work well for very slim model type bodies with small busts.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:56 AM on September 16
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:56 AM on September 16
Response by poster: I truly appreciate all the answers so far. I am listening, I promise you.
There's an element to this wedding that I didn't mention in my original post, which is that many of the attendees (all from the groom's side; he is Mr. Blah's connection here), are of non-traditional ilk, such as poets, geriatric rockers, the formerly unhoused, etc. This leads me to believe that many of the guests may arrive "underdressed" or at least with the formal aspect interpreted differently.
HOWEVER - I do hear you re: the difference between being insultingly underdressed in a way that communicates "I don't care" vs. a fancy-enough creative look that may say "I am different but I am dressed up to honor your event." I will endeavor to achieve the second. I'll do a further deep dive in my closet later this week -- I may indeed have some fancier items that I've forgotten, given that I haven't attended a fancy event since before Covid.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:22 PM on September 16 [11 favorites]
There's an element to this wedding that I didn't mention in my original post, which is that many of the attendees (all from the groom's side; he is Mr. Blah's connection here), are of non-traditional ilk, such as poets, geriatric rockers, the formerly unhoused, etc. This leads me to believe that many of the guests may arrive "underdressed" or at least with the formal aspect interpreted differently.
HOWEVER - I do hear you re: the difference between being insultingly underdressed in a way that communicates "I don't care" vs. a fancy-enough creative look that may say "I am different but I am dressed up to honor your event." I will endeavor to achieve the second. I'll do a further deep dive in my closet later this week -- I may indeed have some fancier items that I've forgotten, given that I haven't attended a fancy event since before Covid.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:22 PM on September 16 [11 favorites]
When closet-diving, look for velvets, satins, silks, embroidery and other delicate embellishments. Crisp fabrics that hang smoothly, like heavier cottons and wool blends. Jewel tones and saturated brights, pretty pastels, rich browns that are not dusty. Avoid patterns that are too high-contrast, but tonal is good. Anything metallic, though avoid plasticy vinyl or tinsel. If you have a floaty wrap or beautiful scarf that can be worn over an otherwise incredibly plain top.
What might work out best for you is to find some things from your closet made of good fabric and getting them tailored to fit more formally. If you have loose trousers in a non-wrinkly fabric, get them tailored to be more slim through the leg and hit right at the ankle. An oversized button down shirt can be tailored to have flattering darts below the bust without being tight. A long dress that doesn’t quite fit may be able to be let out by using hem fabric, changing button placement, or adding a laced back, and also made to fit your shoulders and neckline in the most flattering way for you.
posted by Mizu at 12:54 PM on September 16 [6 favorites]
What might work out best for you is to find some things from your closet made of good fabric and getting them tailored to fit more formally. If you have loose trousers in a non-wrinkly fabric, get them tailored to be more slim through the leg and hit right at the ankle. An oversized button down shirt can be tailored to have flattering darts below the bust without being tight. A long dress that doesn’t quite fit may be able to be let out by using hem fabric, changing button placement, or adding a laced back, and also made to fit your shoulders and neckline in the most flattering way for you.
posted by Mizu at 12:54 PM on September 16 [6 favorites]
A lot of people are recommending black. This may be old-fashioned, but I thought it was a rule that one shouldn't wear either black or white to a wedding.
For the gathering you describe, I think the blue Zuri dress should be fine with a long sparkly necklace, some nice decorative tights and femme shoes that aren't motorcycle boots. The norms would be more rigid if the crowd were corporate or intensely "normal", but for this you ought to be fine in the blue Zuri if you dress it up.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:51 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]
For the gathering you describe, I think the blue Zuri dress should be fine with a long sparkly necklace, some nice decorative tights and femme shoes that aren't motorcycle boots. The norms would be more rigid if the crowd were corporate or intensely "normal", but for this you ought to be fine in the blue Zuri if you dress it up.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:51 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]
So with your update, you can increase the formality of the look with Big Fancy Jewelry, if you have it. Do you have any big danglies?
posted by corb at 6:47 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]
posted by corb at 6:47 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]
A lot of people are recommending black. This may be old-fashioned, but I thought it was a rule that one shouldn't wear either black or white to a wedding.
That used to be the case, but in general it’s now acceptable and unremarkable. I would say I noticed this change in the last 20 or 25 years. There may be some regional variations, but pretty much the only colour that’s almost universally frowned on at a Western wedding in Canada or the US is white.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:21 PM on September 16 [6 favorites]
That used to be the case, but in general it’s now acceptable and unremarkable. I would say I noticed this change in the last 20 or 25 years. There may be some regional variations, but pretty much the only colour that’s almost universally frowned on at a Western wedding in Canada or the US is white.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:21 PM on September 16 [6 favorites]
Alternative and possibly cheaper: find a service like Rent the Runway and rent.
I used RTR when I needed a gown for a formal event, and would recommend them. For a formal event you can wear a nice jumpsuit, a sparkly blazer, or an artsy tunic. You could also probably do fine with an all black ensemble and some blingy earrings.
posted by oneirodynia at 3:15 PM on September 17
Do you have any close friends or family members that wear a similar size as you and might have a more extensive wardrobe? I have happily let friends "shop my closet" to save them spending a ton of cash on something they'd never wear again.
posted by platinum at 5:35 PM on September 17 [2 favorites]
posted by platinum at 5:35 PM on September 17 [2 favorites]
I asked myself this exact question a few months ago and I feel like I was trying to choose from the same kinds of existing outfits. I even thought "I'm older now. I can be artsy and comfortable instead of on trend! I AM THE TREND" Similarly! Also a wedding of metalheads, people in recovery, etc.
I would go with the second Zuri sliverly gray option - with the linen pants and the pink version of the shoes. Add big giant statement jewelry, anykind of updo - even for short hair, and anything sparkly (a sparkly pink tank top? sparkly bobby pins in my updo, sparkly ankle socks maybe. Not everyting sparkly, but something sparkly) and call it a day. Or go all grey and carry a big red flower shaped purse or whatever.
Just...feel good. That's the key.
No one will think twice about it.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:49 AM on September 18
I would go with the second Zuri sliverly gray option - with the linen pants and the pink version of the shoes. Add big giant statement jewelry, anykind of updo - even for short hair, and anything sparkly (a sparkly pink tank top? sparkly bobby pins in my updo, sparkly ankle socks maybe. Not everyting sparkly, but something sparkly) and call it a day. Or go all grey and carry a big red flower shaped purse or whatever.
Just...feel good. That's the key.
No one will think twice about it.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:49 AM on September 18
Response by poster: Okay so here's what happened: First, I bought a new Zuri dress in bright colors + the longer length (which, to my mind, can help make it more formal). I did pair it with my motorcycle boots, and that's what I wore to the wedding...where I found that indeed I had not underestimated my fine fellow Californians' ability to interpret "formal" creatively, despite this all occurring at a hotel whose discount room rate was $1200 per night. (We didn't stay there!)
There were a handful of women in long gowns in fine materials. There were two lesbians in velvet suits. There were some women in long dresses that were very summery. There were some women in flowy pants with T-shirts and sparkly wraps. There were at least two men in black jeans. There were lots of guys (including Mr. Blah) in a dark suit with a tie. There was a guy in a leather vest over a button-down shirt who looked like a motorcycle man, and did, in fact, drive his motorcycle to the event. There was one man in a tux and bow tie. There were several younger men and women dripping in mismatched thrift store finery including an ancient mink wrap with holes in it. And there were several men who weren't Keith Richards but absolutely gave off eau de Aging Rocker vibes. The bride and groom were absolutely lovely in traditional formal wedding clothes.
In short, I was dressed perfectly for the evening, which was a lot of fun. And completely unprompted, one conversation at our dinner table started with another woman saying, "I think they just say 'formal dress' so nobody shows up in shorts and flip-flops." I think she was right.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:24 PM on October 5 [5 favorites]
There were a handful of women in long gowns in fine materials. There were two lesbians in velvet suits. There were some women in long dresses that were very summery. There were some women in flowy pants with T-shirts and sparkly wraps. There were at least two men in black jeans. There were lots of guys (including Mr. Blah) in a dark suit with a tie. There was a guy in a leather vest over a button-down shirt who looked like a motorcycle man, and did, in fact, drive his motorcycle to the event. There was one man in a tux and bow tie. There were several younger men and women dripping in mismatched thrift store finery including an ancient mink wrap with holes in it. And there were several men who weren't Keith Richards but absolutely gave off eau de Aging Rocker vibes. The bride and groom were absolutely lovely in traditional formal wedding clothes.
In short, I was dressed perfectly for the evening, which was a lot of fun. And completely unprompted, one conversation at our dinner table started with another woman saying, "I think they just say 'formal dress' so nobody shows up in shorts and flip-flops." I think she was right.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:24 PM on October 5 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh I forgot to add that another man was also wearing motorcycle boots, and it wasn't the Motorcycle Man!
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:30 PM on October 5
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:30 PM on October 5
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The silvery tunic over pants might be ok. What top were you thinking under the tunic? I think it needs to be in a flowy woven fabric to be appropriate. Maybe this loose light blue lace tank top? Or in another dusty light colour that coordinates with grey and matches your colouring (sky blue, pink, dusty pink (with your pink shoes?), mauve, seafoam, buttercup are all fine. I wouldn't do white, black, or jewel tones). I think that tank top would work with all-grey, flowy other pieces and the pearls.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:50 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]