How to do an online memorial

September 9, 2024 2:50 AM

My dad died toward the beginning of 2020. He did not die of Covid but because of it, there was no memorial service. I am headed to California soon and want to do some kind of online celebration of his life. How?

This is both a tech question and a human relations question. My dad's elderly sister and brother are both on Facebook, as am I and various cousins, etc. I have never used Facebook streaming or live or whatever it is called. I would like to share images and maybe audio in the most basic way possible.

My dad will not have a funeral or any other memorial acknowledgement apart from this. Have you done this kind of thing? Any advice about what to do and what not to do?

posted by Bella Donna to Technology (4 answers total)

I don't know anything about facebook streaming, but I attended a Zoom memorial during the pandemic, so I can tell you how that was. There were more than 150 people attending, so it could have been chaotic, but it was actually very nice. The organizer reached out to the attendees in advance to see if anyone wanted to share a story or tribute and made those into a schedule. The host introduced each speaker. Then there was a shared slideshow with music. Actually I think there was also a slideshow when people were arriving too. The organizers set it up so that people's mics were off when they entered the room. It took a little over an hour, I think, and afterwards, the people who stayed could raise their digital hands if they wanted to share something more informally.
posted by pangolin party at 4:52 AM on September 9 [3 favorites]

I went to a really moving memorial on Zoom for someone who had a lot of online friends. The organizers kept it informal but orderly by establishing a queue of speakers three deep, and filling the first three slots with specific loved ones to get the ball rolling. In that crowd that was enough to keep the stories flowing for the right amount of time.

I’m sorry for your loss. That was an awful year to lose a loved one.
posted by eirias at 5:29 AM on September 9 [3 favorites]

I'm a funeral celebrant who officiated a number of these during the pandemic. The only tried and true piece of advice I have is to get someone not-family, not-friend to handle the technical logistics. Meet with them ahead of time. Run through the line-by-line plan for the gathering. Clarify who would be on screen, who would "have the mic" who would be muted (and who can control the muting), when there would be music, whose computer the photos are on, etc.

There were a number of providers that popped up during the pandemic to do this and many have folded, but remembering.live is still around. I haven't worked with them before, so it's not a recommendation, but they can probably handle the tech aspect and talk to you about how other families have handled things.

In terms of using Facebook live/streaming, I don't think a memorial for a close relative is the time to learn a new skill and hope the technology works the way you think it does. And to host something within Facebook, well it takes one person clicking one thing in their feed for them to lose the session and derail everything else as you get things back on track. Having experienced technical glitches with one of the services I presided over, it was a real bummer and brought the sadness level down even further. With a dedicated site that's minimized. Posting a recorded version on FB afterwards for people to rewatch would be an option.

In terms of the human relations part of the question, one ritual I ended up doing for online ceremonies was to simply say the name of each attendee as a way to start the ceremony. It brings a sense of togetherness to a virtual space, where everyone might not even be on the same screen at the same time, and has a sense of litany that amplifies the connections that your loved one made. (Technical advice - don't ask people to mute/unmute to say their own names, as there's no real order to go in and it's very confusing.)

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the time together gives you more memories to share.
posted by cocoagirl at 5:51 AM on September 9 [7 favorites]

The family of a friend who passed away late year used Momento. People were invited via email to share their memories as recorded using cell phone cameras. The site provides a link/portal to upload the videos and compiles them for viewing.
posted by yqxnflld at 1:48 PM on September 9 [1 favorite]