How do I work out if this is just a mid-life crisis?
September 7, 2024 7:11 AM Subscribe
It’s been a year of various upheavals for me: family health, injury issues, marital strife, and now a bunch of changes in my life which have me questioning my identity in a way that I didn’t expect. On top of all of that — and far more importantly — I’m feeling like I’ve fallen out of love with my wife and, crucially, like falling back in love would take energy that I just don’t have anymore.
Am I just having a mid-life crisis, which I can dismiss by ploughing on as I always have, or is this something I need to pay more attention to? And how do I tell the difference?
I don’t want to bury the lede here: the issue concerning my feelings for my wife is the biggest worry I’m facing at the moment, so I’m going to concentrate on that here. My wife deserves to be with someone who loves her and who wants to be with her and to have a life with her; if I can’t provide that anymore I know that I have to make some tough decisions.
Lest it seem otherwise from the following paragraphs: I highly respect my wife. She’s a sweet, caring, smart woman, who cares a great deal about others, and about what she does for a living. She’s a great person, and I know that I do love her, even if at the moment I don’t know if that love is romantic in nature.
We’ve been married for 15 years this year, and as with most couples we’ve had our ups and downs. When we get on well we’re great, and everyone who knows us would tell you that we’re a great couple, because that’s how we always appear in public. But we’ve often argued in ways that can end up feeling bitter and unhealthy.
We’re both in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, and I’ve realised that there’s a couple of fundamental differences between us which make life difficult sometimes:
My wife’s anxious attachment comes out as “People are going to abandon me, and I need to ask them about it at regular intervals to make sure it doesn’t come as a surprise.”
Throughout our life together, these characteristics of ours (and many others that I haven’t room to write about here) have led to more-or-less the following: when there’s a problem, an obstacle, or a hardship, my wife expects the worst result and seemingly gives up, and I am the one who picks us both up off the mat and makes sure we face it together. I’m not the solver-of-all-problems, but I am the one that says “come on, we can do this, it’s going to be okay.”
I know that my wife has picked up on the fact that I’m discontent. I’ve tried to talk about it without saying “and by the way I’m worried about how I feel about you” because then the conversation would become very, very difficult indeed, and I need to be sure about what I feel before I start down into that. I know that she’s scared I’m going to leave, and is regularly asking me if we’re going to be okay, if I’m planning to leave, and whether I still love her and want to be with her. I don’t completely feel like I’m lying when I give her the answers that soothe her, but I also know I’m not telling the whole truth.
The pressure of everything is such that I’ve started to find myself having intrusive thoughts, culminating with suicidal ideation. I have no plan, nor desire to actually end my life, but it’s obvious to me that all this stuff is really affecting me. I’ve discussed these thoughts with my therapist and I’m pretty certain that they’re entirely a reaction to stress. I just wish I could get them to stop. A couple of times I’ve been on the verge of calling the Samaritans, just for the sake of having someone to talk to in the middle of a bad time, but it always seems like I’m busy and have too much to do to take the time out, and the thoughts pass sooner or later.
The thing that brought me here though is that I’ve just spent 3 weeks out of country, away from home, on my own for work. I have a high-pressure job and there’s a lot of responsibility… but not once did I feel stressed, or start thinking about hurting myself. I felt relaxed, I slept well every night, and I practiced self care. Now I’m home, I feel all that pressure again, and it’s a contrast that’s really opened my eyes to the problem.
This has gone on too long already so I’ll get to the tl;dr of it all:
How am I supposed to work out what I really feel, what I really want, and what I really need? How do I go forward and talk about this with my wife with kindness and gentleness, respecting her right to know what’s going on whilst also not potentially blowing up my entire life for no reason?
I don’t want to bury the lede here: the issue concerning my feelings for my wife is the biggest worry I’m facing at the moment, so I’m going to concentrate on that here. My wife deserves to be with someone who loves her and who wants to be with her and to have a life with her; if I can’t provide that anymore I know that I have to make some tough decisions.
Lest it seem otherwise from the following paragraphs: I highly respect my wife. She’s a sweet, caring, smart woman, who cares a great deal about others, and about what she does for a living. She’s a great person, and I know that I do love her, even if at the moment I don’t know if that love is romantic in nature.
We’ve been married for 15 years this year, and as with most couples we’ve had our ups and downs. When we get on well we’re great, and everyone who knows us would tell you that we’re a great couple, because that’s how we always appear in public. But we’ve often argued in ways that can end up feeling bitter and unhealthy.
We’re both in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, and I’ve realised that there’s a couple of fundamental differences between us which make life difficult sometimes:
- I’m an optimist and a pragmatist, and generally want to think the best of people. I was brought up to ask for what I wanted.
- My wife would describe herself as a pessimist and a cynic. She usually expects the worst of people (if you make a bad impression with her it takes a very long time to get back into her good books) and was brought up to believe that asking for what she wanted was rude, and that she should never ask for things directly
My wife’s anxious attachment comes out as “People are going to abandon me, and I need to ask them about it at regular intervals to make sure it doesn’t come as a surprise.”
Throughout our life together, these characteristics of ours (and many others that I haven’t room to write about here) have led to more-or-less the following: when there’s a problem, an obstacle, or a hardship, my wife expects the worst result and seemingly gives up, and I am the one who picks us both up off the mat and makes sure we face it together. I’m not the solver-of-all-problems, but I am the one that says “come on, we can do this, it’s going to be okay.”
I know that my wife has picked up on the fact that I’m discontent. I’ve tried to talk about it without saying “and by the way I’m worried about how I feel about you” because then the conversation would become very, very difficult indeed, and I need to be sure about what I feel before I start down into that. I know that she’s scared I’m going to leave, and is regularly asking me if we’re going to be okay, if I’m planning to leave, and whether I still love her and want to be with her. I don’t completely feel like I’m lying when I give her the answers that soothe her, but I also know I’m not telling the whole truth.
The pressure of everything is such that I’ve started to find myself having intrusive thoughts, culminating with suicidal ideation. I have no plan, nor desire to actually end my life, but it’s obvious to me that all this stuff is really affecting me. I’ve discussed these thoughts with my therapist and I’m pretty certain that they’re entirely a reaction to stress. I just wish I could get them to stop. A couple of times I’ve been on the verge of calling the Samaritans, just for the sake of having someone to talk to in the middle of a bad time, but it always seems like I’m busy and have too much to do to take the time out, and the thoughts pass sooner or later.
The thing that brought me here though is that I’ve just spent 3 weeks out of country, away from home, on my own for work. I have a high-pressure job and there’s a lot of responsibility… but not once did I feel stressed, or start thinking about hurting myself. I felt relaxed, I slept well every night, and I practiced self care. Now I’m home, I feel all that pressure again, and it’s a contrast that’s really opened my eyes to the problem.
This has gone on too long already so I’ll get to the tl;dr of it all:
How am I supposed to work out what I really feel, what I really want, and what I really need? How do I go forward and talk about this with my wife with kindness and gentleness, respecting her right to know what’s going on whilst also not potentially blowing up my entire life for no reason?
That’s a really tough situation and I admire the thoughtful presentation, including the respect for your wife.
You don’t mention whether you have kids. I think the contrast between your life on your work trip and your life at home would be interpreted very differently if you have children at home or if you don’t.
posted by Sublimity at 7:57 AM on September 7 [14 favorites]
You don’t mention whether you have kids. I think the contrast between your life on your work trip and your life at home would be interpreted very differently if you have children at home or if you don’t.
posted by Sublimity at 7:57 AM on September 7 [14 favorites]
I think you should quit your job first and see if these feelings continue. I believe jobs are more replaceable (and easier to return to) than marriages, especially since they will never love you back, and you’ve buried until the end that your job is hugely stressful. Quit your job first, give it some time to see if you have or are gaining the energy to make your relationship better, and then proceed from there if or if not.
posted by watermelon at 8:26 AM on September 7
posted by watermelon at 8:26 AM on September 7
This sounds like a "should I stay or go?" Question. Captain Awkward has a great post on this:
Link. Similar to warriorqueen's advice, she says to think through what leaving would look like.
Have you talked about your differences and your patterns with your wife in couples therapy? What has her response been? Can you both identify the changes you need to make this relationship better, and then implement them? But you've already said you don't have the energy to do that so in a way it seems to me you've already decided that leaving is your preferred option.
posted by foxjacket at 8:34 AM on September 7 [1 favorite]
Have you talked about your differences and your patterns with your wife in couples therapy? What has her response been? Can you both identify the changes you need to make this relationship better, and then implement them? But you've already said you don't have the energy to do that so in a way it seems to me you've already decided that leaving is your preferred option.
posted by foxjacket at 8:34 AM on September 7 [1 favorite]
Other answers have already touched on things I think after reading your description of your specific predicament and validated that if you are thinking of blowing up your life, it's not for "no reason at all," so I won't repeat them.
What I want to do instead is, I want to push back on the "just a midlife crisis" thing. You understand that a "midlife crisis" is not an empirical factual alternative to "real concerns" right? It's a minimizing framing underpinned by a particular cultural consensus that certain values are more important than other values (so, commitment to marriage/stability is more important than self-actualization; staying the course is more important than exploring something new; family harmony is more important than individual happiness; integrity of a family unit vs integrity of self; narratives of who is a "decent" person vs who is a "selfish" person, etc.) Your responsibility is to figure out not whether it's "just" a midlife crisis or not but what your relationship is to values that coalesce to form the cultural construct of a "midlife crisis."
I personally think it's a very problematic construct that rests on assumptions that an acute desire for a particular kind of change and exploration is an unwelcome disruption that one needs to ride out. I also think that the mocking stereotype of a man experiencing a midlife crisis who buys a convertible, gets a piercing, and has an affair with a woman 20 years his junior takes that shape because by and large many men still aren't socialized in a way that encourages them to go to therapy and do the self-work to figure out what is going on with them. The cliche car/piercing/young woman are, then, not particularly constructive band-aids for those un-interrogated feelings.
But you are obviously an emotionally literate person who is in therapy. Which is great! This means you have tools for discernment and the ability to use them. Whichever way you are leaning, don't minimize one set of your feelings by framing them as a "mid-life crisis." if you treat that interpretive framework as somehow objective and neutral, and continue trying to "diagnose" whether you are, or are not, experiencing a mid-life crisis, rather than exploring how you relate to the ideas and values that make up that concept, you will do yourself a disservice.
posted by virve at 8:58 AM on September 7 [22 favorites]
What I want to do instead is, I want to push back on the "just a midlife crisis" thing. You understand that a "midlife crisis" is not an empirical factual alternative to "real concerns" right? It's a minimizing framing underpinned by a particular cultural consensus that certain values are more important than other values (so, commitment to marriage/stability is more important than self-actualization; staying the course is more important than exploring something new; family harmony is more important than individual happiness; integrity of a family unit vs integrity of self; narratives of who is a "decent" person vs who is a "selfish" person, etc.) Your responsibility is to figure out not whether it's "just" a midlife crisis or not but what your relationship is to values that coalesce to form the cultural construct of a "midlife crisis."
I personally think it's a very problematic construct that rests on assumptions that an acute desire for a particular kind of change and exploration is an unwelcome disruption that one needs to ride out. I also think that the mocking stereotype of a man experiencing a midlife crisis who buys a convertible, gets a piercing, and has an affair with a woman 20 years his junior takes that shape because by and large many men still aren't socialized in a way that encourages them to go to therapy and do the self-work to figure out what is going on with them. The cliche car/piercing/young woman are, then, not particularly constructive band-aids for those un-interrogated feelings.
But you are obviously an emotionally literate person who is in therapy. Which is great! This means you have tools for discernment and the ability to use them. Whichever way you are leaning, don't minimize one set of your feelings by framing them as a "mid-life crisis." if you treat that interpretive framework as somehow objective and neutral, and continue trying to "diagnose" whether you are, or are not, experiencing a mid-life crisis, rather than exploring how you relate to the ideas and values that make up that concept, you will do yourself a disservice.
posted by virve at 8:58 AM on September 7 [22 favorites]
I’ve thought about this type of question a lot, and I’ve gotten a lot of insight reading a book called The Rough Patch, about marriage in midlife.
posted by matildaben at 10:07 AM on September 7 [3 favorites]
posted by matildaben at 10:07 AM on September 7 [3 favorites]
From your post and your mention of intrusive thoughts I would reccomend reading about harm OCD and relationship OCD. I struggled with the former and just knowing it was something that others experienced was incredibly valuable to me.
If you'd like a longer read "Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts" by Sally Winston really changed my life. The first half is just examples of intrusive thoughts, whether or not the cbt methods work for you I still think it is valuable. I have other resources if these are useful
P.S. You mentioned therapy. With intrusive thoughts therapy can be particularly challenging/harmful if the therapist is not well versed in intrusive thoughts/OCD.
posted by dreyfusfinucane at 11:52 AM on September 7 [5 favorites]
If you'd like a longer read "Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts" by Sally Winston really changed my life. The first half is just examples of intrusive thoughts, whether or not the cbt methods work for you I still think it is valuable. I have other resources if these are useful
P.S. You mentioned therapy. With intrusive thoughts therapy can be particularly challenging/harmful if the therapist is not well versed in intrusive thoughts/OCD.
posted by dreyfusfinucane at 11:52 AM on September 7 [5 favorites]
I don’t want to bury the lede here
I think you did bury the lede (for yourself as well as the readers) under a lot of information about your wife and your relationship with her. I think the true meat of your question is here:
[...] a bunch of changes in my life which have me questioning my identity in a way that I didn’t expect [...]
How am I supposed to work out what I really feel, what I really want, and what I really need
Until you've got a much better bead on those you're not going know how your wife, or your job, or anything at all fits into your life. You've changed.
The problem is that you've spent 40 years building up an internal narrative that explains who you are and why you do what you do. Now you're having to create a new narrative, not necessarily from scratch but still: it took you 40 years. It's going to take time, measured in months and years, to rebuild your understanding of yourself.
Given that's the case, some potential ways forward:
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:47 PM on September 7
I think you did bury the lede (for yourself as well as the readers) under a lot of information about your wife and your relationship with her. I think the true meat of your question is here:
[...] a bunch of changes in my life which have me questioning my identity in a way that I didn’t expect [...]
How am I supposed to work out what I really feel, what I really want, and what I really need
Until you've got a much better bead on those you're not going know how your wife, or your job, or anything at all fits into your life. You've changed.
The problem is that you've spent 40 years building up an internal narrative that explains who you are and why you do what you do. Now you're having to create a new narrative, not necessarily from scratch but still: it took you 40 years. It's going to take time, measured in months and years, to rebuild your understanding of yourself.
Given that's the case, some potential ways forward:
- Stay in your relationship knowing that you're working things out internally and at some point you will be clearer.
- Stay in your relationship but set a time limit for yourself. "If I'm still uncertain in one year then I will definitively end things."
- Consider a trial separation. Not because your marriage is bad, but because you literally need some space to sort yourself out.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:47 PM on September 7
Assuming that the marital strife you mentioned is not beyond what you discussed in this question, it sounds like you both need a break from thinking about all the stuff. When was the last time you had a date? Not like a dinner and a movie date, but a active doing something together date (going on a hike, working on a puzzle, taking a bike ride somewhere). It sounds like you have both been under stress and during your time together you are busy thinking about potential stressors on your relationship rather than just doing things together. You deserve some time as a couple to give your brains a break from that together.
It sounds like you don’t have a lot of bandwidth for romantic feelings right now, and that is ok. When you have been married over a decade sometimes things don’t feel as passionate sometimes, especially when there are a ton of other things taking up your time. I think you need to separate the idea of more passionate attraction from the different and more nuanced marital love.
I also think you need to be more honest with your wife about your intrusive thoughts of self harm. Your wife is your partner, and she can’t help you with what’s going on if you won’t tell her. Giving her a chance to lend her support with this challenge allows her to do some of the lifting that comes with long term partnership, and to help you feel more supported and loved.
Finally, if you want a way to “fall back in love” that would not take a ton of energy, here’s what I would recommend:
1. Set an alarm on your phone to pick up flowers at the grocery store once a week. Less than $20, takes 5 minutes, makes the house prettier.
2. Do the dishes together. If she washes, you dry. Or if you already do the dishes, notice when she is working on housework and do some of your housework at the same time. Put on some music.
It’s kinda basic and rote, but when you do those things you’re performing a caring act and it’s a little reminder that you care about this person.
posted by donut_princess at 3:47 AM on September 8 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you don’t have a lot of bandwidth for romantic feelings right now, and that is ok. When you have been married over a decade sometimes things don’t feel as passionate sometimes, especially when there are a ton of other things taking up your time. I think you need to separate the idea of more passionate attraction from the different and more nuanced marital love.
I also think you need to be more honest with your wife about your intrusive thoughts of self harm. Your wife is your partner, and she can’t help you with what’s going on if you won’t tell her. Giving her a chance to lend her support with this challenge allows her to do some of the lifting that comes with long term partnership, and to help you feel more supported and loved.
Finally, if you want a way to “fall back in love” that would not take a ton of energy, here’s what I would recommend:
1. Set an alarm on your phone to pick up flowers at the grocery store once a week. Less than $20, takes 5 minutes, makes the house prettier.
2. Do the dishes together. If she washes, you dry. Or if you already do the dishes, notice when she is working on housework and do some of your housework at the same time. Put on some music.
It’s kinda basic and rote, but when you do those things you’re performing a caring act and it’s a little reminder that you care about this person.
posted by donut_princess at 3:47 AM on September 8 [3 favorites]
There’s a lot of stuff here; I am just going to address the avoidant/anxious attacher dynamic, as someone that has made a long term relationship with similar dynamics work.
One of the things that’s super common for avoidants is to feel overwhelmed by the weight of responsibility for another human, *especially* when you like them. That can create almost a sense of relationship claustrophobia that has nothing to do with the actual relationship. It’s really common for people to dream of escapes, and to feel much better when they’re traveling or away from other stressors.
Do you have the finances to take a vacation trip with your wife, where you can pre arrange and pre pay for most of the details? I feel like that is the situation most likely to give you a read on if you’re actually out of love with her, or just feeling trapped by her need and trying to gnaw off whatever is keeping you trapped (in this case, your love for her).
Your wife is reacting to real perceptions, which is making her more anxious - unfortunately what she needs to be reassured is something that’s very, very hard for avoidants to do, which is to commit on a permanent basis. “I am not going to leave you, ever, no matter what happens” is like avoidant Kryptonite, and it’s one of the biggest root needs of an anxious attacher.
I would also consider telling her only true things that don’t make you feel more trapped. “I don’t want to ever leave you” could be a true thing that also says nothing about whether you eventually will, but could have enough truth to resonate and calm some of her perception threads.
posted by corb at 3:51 AM on September 8 [1 favorite]
One of the things that’s super common for avoidants is to feel overwhelmed by the weight of responsibility for another human, *especially* when you like them. That can create almost a sense of relationship claustrophobia that has nothing to do with the actual relationship. It’s really common for people to dream of escapes, and to feel much better when they’re traveling or away from other stressors.
Do you have the finances to take a vacation trip with your wife, where you can pre arrange and pre pay for most of the details? I feel like that is the situation most likely to give you a read on if you’re actually out of love with her, or just feeling trapped by her need and trying to gnaw off whatever is keeping you trapped (in this case, your love for her).
Your wife is reacting to real perceptions, which is making her more anxious - unfortunately what she needs to be reassured is something that’s very, very hard for avoidants to do, which is to commit on a permanent basis. “I am not going to leave you, ever, no matter what happens” is like avoidant Kryptonite, and it’s one of the biggest root needs of an anxious attacher.
I would also consider telling her only true things that don’t make you feel more trapped. “I don’t want to ever leave you” could be a true thing that also says nothing about whether you eventually will, but could have enough truth to resonate and calm some of her perception threads.
posted by corb at 3:51 AM on September 8 [1 favorite]
You sound like you are really struggling with your mental health. On the one hand you urgently need to do something and on the other hand you don't want to irrevocably blow up your marriage if it could be saved if only you had enough energy to want to tackle the problems.
You might find the idea of controlled separation to be useful. I've seen it recommended when one partner is "is going through their own internal turmoil that creates distance within the couple. The couple is having trouble connecting, while one spouse is overwhelmed with their own internal suffering. It feels too much to work on themselves as an individual and within the marriage. They can’t breathe or think or live one more day like this." That sounds a lot like you.
The idea of controlled separation is that the partners separate with very clear rules about not just what kind of distance they are creating but also what they will be doing to actively work on future of the relationship. If you are interested, you might want to get a copy of "Should I Stay Or Go?: How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage"
posted by metahawk at 9:00 PM on September 8 [1 favorite]
You might find the idea of controlled separation to be useful. I've seen it recommended when one partner is "is going through their own internal turmoil that creates distance within the couple. The couple is having trouble connecting, while one spouse is overwhelmed with their own internal suffering. It feels too much to work on themselves as an individual and within the marriage. They can’t breathe or think or live one more day like this." That sounds a lot like you.
The idea of controlled separation is that the partners separate with very clear rules about not just what kind of distance they are creating but also what they will be doing to actively work on future of the relationship. If you are interested, you might want to get a copy of "Should I Stay Or Go?: How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage"
posted by metahawk at 9:00 PM on September 8 [1 favorite]
I anm also middle-aged, married, and have had a heck of year or two. Physical health, mental health, childhood dynamics at play, and practical challenges. Raising kids, aging parents. Home repairs.
And … to be honest, I think that you would really miss your wife from your description of her. I don’t think the relief you felt at being away for three weeks was necessarily about her. It might have been a relief to focus on succeeding at one thing. Work may be stressful, but you could just focus on work.
Returning to a full midlife menu of challenges and obligations would have anyone wishing to go back to their 3 week work trip.
Outside of having intrusive thoughts that are leading you to jump to incorrect conclusions based on this experience — I do have a sense that you aren’t having very much fun at home. Not with your wife, not with yourself. I kind of agree with donut_princess that you should try to do nice things, and would add that you should do specifically fun things together from time to time.
posted by dog-eared paperback at 9:56 PM on September 8
And … to be honest, I think that you would really miss your wife from your description of her. I don’t think the relief you felt at being away for three weeks was necessarily about her. It might have been a relief to focus on succeeding at one thing. Work may be stressful, but you could just focus on work.
Returning to a full midlife menu of challenges and obligations would have anyone wishing to go back to their 3 week work trip.
Outside of having intrusive thoughts that are leading you to jump to incorrect conclusions based on this experience — I do have a sense that you aren’t having very much fun at home. Not with your wife, not with yourself. I kind of agree with donut_princess that you should try to do nice things, and would add that you should do specifically fun things together from time to time.
posted by dog-eared paperback at 9:56 PM on September 8
I was the one who was left. He still loved/loves me but needed things in his life I could not give him. We were together 12 years and I thought we would be together forever. I sensed something a time or two but he assured me things were well. Like you, he did not want to hurt me or indicate anything was wrong until he was sure. I have an anxious attachment style so was very sensitive to shifts in the relationship.
Even so I was stunned when he told me he wanted a separation (and eventual divorce). It broke my heart but I also knew he needed things I could not give him. And I loved him enough to not be bitter about that.
I don't know if you need to leave but I will tell you 1) I survived when I thought I would not 2) it was the best thing he could have done for both of us. We are both happy in our new lives and still love each other as we go our separate ways.
He was so brave as well as terrified to do this. But it was right for us.
Best of luck to you. If it is not right anymore you will be hurting both of you to stay.
posted by shaarog at 1:16 PM on September 9
Even so I was stunned when he told me he wanted a separation (and eventual divorce). It broke my heart but I also knew he needed things I could not give him. And I loved him enough to not be bitter about that.
I don't know if you need to leave but I will tell you 1) I survived when I thought I would not 2) it was the best thing he could have done for both of us. We are both happy in our new lives and still love each other as we go our separate ways.
He was so brave as well as terrified to do this. But it was right for us.
Best of luck to you. If it is not right anymore you will be hurting both of you to stay.
posted by shaarog at 1:16 PM on September 9
Does your couples therapist ever do individual sessions with each of you, so that you can talk about your issues in the marriage without the other person present, and the therapist can help guide you through productive ways to talk about them. Because I think your couples therapist absolutely needs to know that you are considering ending your marriage, and that your stress about it is affecting you to the point of thoughts of self-harm. But I also understand why you wouldn't want to blurt all that out in front of your wife, given the way she's responded to even much milder statements from you in the past.
posted by decathecting at 7:49 AM on September 10 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 7:49 AM on September 10 [1 favorite]
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Your whole post outlined a lot of reasons.
If you hadn't had a sort-of break, I would have said go on a personal retreat for a week but I think you have sort of had that experience.
I don't think you need to rush this, but I think you need to really look at what leaving would be like. The challenge is doing that ethically.
So first, with your therapist, I would spend a set amount of time thinking what an exit would look like. The reason I would gate the time is I don't think it's ethical to spend months and months planning to leave without telling the other person. But I also don't think it's necessary to never have any negative thoughts you don't share. So spend maybe two months really considering what you need and want in your life going forward. Like, concretely.
What happens if in the meantime, you make sure she has support - couples counselling or individual - and you don't pick up the optimism and the pieces for both of you? What if the next time your wife gives up, you let her? "Honey, you've got this - I'm going for a bike ride and will be back at 5:30." (Be back at 5:30 - this is how you handle the abandonment fit.)
But it seems like -- this is something to examine -- what you're asking for is very core and something she may not be able to change. So I think working out this piece is something to do with a pro. That said, it isn't actually just about her. It seems a bit like you are very uncomfortable with her bad feelings, enough that you have depleted yourself trying to create good feelings and things for both of you. That's something to think on.
After that - I think, if there hasn't been some kind of big betrayal or abuse, we owe our partners an opportunity to exit with dignity. I don't think there are any magic words that are going to end your marriage without your wife feeling abandoned. Divorce is an abandonment of the relationship. It just is. That will be a boot camp for you around her being right - and you know what, that is okay. It's okay for her to be right that her marriage is on the rocks.
Probably -- caring for her financially, doing divorce counselling if it works for you -- you have to kind of get out quick. Staying in a home with someone who wants/needs reassurance you can't give them is stressful and for her, she will need to develop a support network that does not include you in any way.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:54 AM on September 7 [5 favorites]