impostor syndrome, but for new friendships
August 15, 2024 4:54 AM Subscribe
I am sure this isn't an uncommon thing, but it's happened to me again and I would love some advice: how do you cope with impostor syndrome within the context of making a new friend?
Further elaboration below the fold:
For context: periodically I will meet someone new, like at a party, and we hit it off. I find them incredibly cool, interesting, funny, fascinating in every way. They express an interest in developing a friendship with me. I then become terrified that, sooner or later, they will come to believe that I am actually quite boring and not want to have anything to do with me anymore. This fills me with an anxiety that pervades every moment I spend with them and sours my enjoyment of being with this person. Very often, I end up pushing them away just to stop feeling awful all the time.
Why is this happening? How do I stop doing this?
Importantly: this isn't about romantic attractions or relationships. This is purely about friendships. For some reason I do not experience this kind of anxiety about romantic interests.
I am a middle-aged woman and still have the mind of an early adolescent this is embarrassing.
For context: periodically I will meet someone new, like at a party, and we hit it off. I find them incredibly cool, interesting, funny, fascinating in every way. They express an interest in developing a friendship with me. I then become terrified that, sooner or later, they will come to believe that I am actually quite boring and not want to have anything to do with me anymore. This fills me with an anxiety that pervades every moment I spend with them and sours my enjoyment of being with this person. Very often, I end up pushing them away just to stop feeling awful all the time.
Why is this happening? How do I stop doing this?
Importantly: this isn't about romantic attractions or relationships. This is purely about friendships. For some reason I do not experience this kind of anxiety about romantic interests.
I am a middle-aged woman and still have the mind of an early adolescent this is embarrassing.
I don't know if this will help, but I think the reason I don't do this is because, while I can appreciate it if someone seems cool/interesting, I don't take it as a sure sign that we will be bffs. I want to hang out with people who mesh with my morals and that's not always obvious until you spend more time together.
Likewise, they may decide that they don't want to hang out with me. I don't really consider it my business why if that's the case because I also have high standards. So I guess I just don't let myself get extremely emotionally attached to people right away, I mostly focus on people who I'm already attached to and would hang out with someone new more casually. Focusing on whether you are happy with the friendship as it progresses rather than focusing on how they might feel about it is the key I think.
posted by Eyelash at 5:50 AM on August 15 [1 favorite]
Likewise, they may decide that they don't want to hang out with me. I don't really consider it my business why if that's the case because I also have high standards. So I guess I just don't let myself get extremely emotionally attached to people right away, I mostly focus on people who I'm already attached to and would hang out with someone new more casually. Focusing on whether you are happy with the friendship as it progresses rather than focusing on how they might feel about it is the key I think.
posted by Eyelash at 5:50 AM on August 15 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I find them incredibly cool, interesting, funny, fascinating in every way.
If they were really so cool, interesting, funny, and fascinating then they would already have all the friends they could ever need and have no room for more. And yet, here they are, seeking friendship with you.
These cool, interesting, fascinating, and funny people still need you in their life. Please don't deny them that! You are doing these folks a service by offering friendship back to them.
FWIW, I've seen you around mefi for a long time and I think you're the interesting cool funny fascinating person.
posted by phunniemee at 5:55 AM on August 15 [9 favorites]
If they were really so cool, interesting, funny, and fascinating then they would already have all the friends they could ever need and have no room for more. And yet, here they are, seeking friendship with you.
These cool, interesting, fascinating, and funny people still need you in their life. Please don't deny them that! You are doing these folks a service by offering friendship back to them.
FWIW, I've seen you around mefi for a long time and I think you're the interesting cool funny fascinating person.
posted by phunniemee at 5:55 AM on August 15 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I made a mefi account just to respond to this; I get you and it's no easy task to assess, but it's absolutely possible
Ironically, seemoorglass has answered it pretty much as I was going to. Being able to see the situation from an emotionally removed state is incredibly helpful. Reminding yourself that if you like who you are - not harming anyone, not being a general jerk to people - and the people you meet end up finding you boring or uninteresting, it's not on you; it speaks to your incompatibility as friends, as seemoorglass stated.
I know it can be exhausting to keep finding yourself in this loop of "yay, potential friend!" "aww, no, I guess not really" - but being true to yourself will be worth it in the end when you find your people.
seemoorglass made a lot of good points, so I'll try not to sound repetitive, but believe in your character, change the parts you don't like about yourself, and remember that you are not alone.
Be you! And the right friends will come :)
posted by erudite.aj at 5:58 AM on August 15 [2 favorites]
Ironically, seemoorglass has answered it pretty much as I was going to. Being able to see the situation from an emotionally removed state is incredibly helpful. Reminding yourself that if you like who you are - not harming anyone, not being a general jerk to people - and the people you meet end up finding you boring or uninteresting, it's not on you; it speaks to your incompatibility as friends, as seemoorglass stated.
I know it can be exhausting to keep finding yourself in this loop of "yay, potential friend!" "aww, no, I guess not really" - but being true to yourself will be worth it in the end when you find your people.
seemoorglass made a lot of good points, so I'll try not to sound repetitive, but believe in your character, change the parts you don't like about yourself, and remember that you are not alone.
Be you! And the right friends will come :)
posted by erudite.aj at 5:58 AM on August 15 [2 favorites]
Best answer: First, my view of humanity is that everyone that looks like an adult is actually a teenager in an old person costume. It explains a lot of behavior, including you feeling like you're behaving like an adolescent. That's normal, everybody is like that, it's just how well do they hide it behind the adulting mask.
Second: there's not just one kind of friend, and people don't have to stay the same kind of friend for forever. You're not looking at a binary, either you're friends or you're not. If you think you're going to be really good friends with someone but that doesn't work out, they may not be a "go on a wild vacation together" friend but maybe they're a "going antiquing" kind of friend, or a "watch a movie and eat pizza" kind of friend, or a "get coffee and catch up once every three months" kind of friend.
Having friends is sort of exhausting if you've got introvert tendencies, and you may be attributing that exhaustion onto the friend and not recognizing it's something inside you. Friends take work. And anything that takes work also takes practice to do it well. That's one thing about being a kid, you were kind of shoved in with others and forced to hang out by being in school with thirty other people your own age, adulthood doesn't work quite that way.
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:19 AM on August 15 [9 favorites]
Second: there's not just one kind of friend, and people don't have to stay the same kind of friend for forever. You're not looking at a binary, either you're friends or you're not. If you think you're going to be really good friends with someone but that doesn't work out, they may not be a "go on a wild vacation together" friend but maybe they're a "going antiquing" kind of friend, or a "watch a movie and eat pizza" kind of friend, or a "get coffee and catch up once every three months" kind of friend.
Having friends is sort of exhausting if you've got introvert tendencies, and you may be attributing that exhaustion onto the friend and not recognizing it's something inside you. Friends take work. And anything that takes work also takes practice to do it well. That's one thing about being a kid, you were kind of shoved in with others and forced to hang out by being in school with thirty other people your own age, adulthood doesn't work quite that way.
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:19 AM on August 15 [9 favorites]
Keep reminding yourself of what phunniemee wrote: cool, interesting, funny, and fascinating people want to pursue friendships with YOU. They must see similar traits in YOU.
I'm not so sure it's impostor syndrome, but more a lack of self confidence and belief in yourself. I get it and I live with it. When I think about the people who like and respect me, though, it helps me chip away at those negative feelings.
posted by Dolley at 6:26 AM on August 15 [2 favorites]
I'm not so sure it's impostor syndrome, but more a lack of self confidence and belief in yourself. I get it and I live with it. When I think about the people who like and respect me, though, it helps me chip away at those negative feelings.
posted by Dolley at 6:26 AM on August 15 [2 favorites]
Look up Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. This is an actual thing.
posted by heatherlogan at 6:32 AM on August 15
posted by heatherlogan at 6:32 AM on August 15
Mod note: One comment removed. Let's stay focused on helping the OP and avoid comments that may magnify negative thoughts.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 6:44 AM on August 15
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 6:44 AM on August 15
Response by poster: since past experience was brought up: i have had experiences in my adolescence with lopsided friendships (i.e. my really admiring a person who didn't share those feelings but tolerated my presence) that were cut off pretty definitively by them. in retrospect i share a lot of the blame for this, and have carried the persistent worry of deliberately avoiding seeing signs that i'm wearing down someone's nerves. this has made me hyperalert to any indications that this might even potentially be happening and yes, i know i should pursue therapy for that!
but yeah. shifting my perspective on the situation is very good advice (and i am touched someone opened an account here just to answer this question!) and am open to any other words of wisdom and advice as well. it's very reassuring reading stuff like this, and i am very grateful
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 7:28 AM on August 15 [2 favorites]
but yeah. shifting my perspective on the situation is very good advice (and i am touched someone opened an account here just to answer this question!) and am open to any other words of wisdom and advice as well. it's very reassuring reading stuff like this, and i am very grateful
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 7:28 AM on August 15 [2 favorites]
Does this happen with all new friends?
If it only happens with some new friends, who seem incredibly interesting and fascinating "in every way", is it possible that they have narcissistic tendencies? People with narcissistic traits come off as larger-than-life charming and captivating at first. They also tend to make other people feel insecure, because narcissistic people like to one-up others. Perhaps your imposter syndrome is actually a red flag system?
Separately, what are the attributes that make these friends fascinating, and can you cultivate those traits in yourself? For example, if it's because they have wide-ranging knowledge, can you start reading more books or audiobooks? If it's because they are confident in intimidating social settings, can you take improv classes to achieve the same effect? Become the fascinating person you wish to befriend!
posted by cheesecake at 7:41 AM on August 15 [1 favorite]
If it only happens with some new friends, who seem incredibly interesting and fascinating "in every way", is it possible that they have narcissistic tendencies? People with narcissistic traits come off as larger-than-life charming and captivating at first. They also tend to make other people feel insecure, because narcissistic people like to one-up others. Perhaps your imposter syndrome is actually a red flag system?
Separately, what are the attributes that make these friends fascinating, and can you cultivate those traits in yourself? For example, if it's because they have wide-ranging knowledge, can you start reading more books or audiobooks? If it's because they are confident in intimidating social settings, can you take improv classes to achieve the same effect? Become the fascinating person you wish to befriend!
posted by cheesecake at 7:41 AM on August 15 [1 favorite]
I get this. In early friendship it is possible that you'll come to find out that your lifestyles aren't compatible in some way, including that you just don't prioritize the same things or operate at the same speed- sometimes for me this happens along maximizer/satisficer lines. It doesn't mean friendship isn't possible but it could affect the level of friendship, and the awareness of that sucks because here is this person you find really exciting and you have high hopes about keeping them in your life and what that would mean for you and the parts of you they light up.
So the preemptive fear of loss makes sense to me. Having to accept incompatibilities, should they arise, is a really disappointing part of trying to make connections as an adult (which is a fundamentally vulnerable endeavor to begin with: there is always emotional risk in caring and wanting that to be reciprocated). But there has to be some reframing of the causal mechanism behind the hypothetical failure to thrive, away from 'it's because I'm not x enough' and towards a more value-neutral 'we're not matched on y dimension'.
There are some good thoughts about that upthread, to which I will add the observation that I find perhaps most powerful when it comes to balancing out feelings of insecurity or doubt: everyone I have ever met, no matter how skilled or talented or how famous in their field, is ultimately just a guy. Everyone, everyone, everyone is boring and annoying and flawed and has secret doubts about their worth and their connections with other people. Consider, also, that you are not doing your friends a favor by putting them in this one-up position. This objectifies them and impedes authentic relating, and it feels much better to be seen as a person who is both awesome and human. Taking them down off the pedestal is actually doing them a favor.
posted by wormtales at 7:43 AM on August 15 [1 favorite]
So the preemptive fear of loss makes sense to me. Having to accept incompatibilities, should they arise, is a really disappointing part of trying to make connections as an adult (which is a fundamentally vulnerable endeavor to begin with: there is always emotional risk in caring and wanting that to be reciprocated). But there has to be some reframing of the causal mechanism behind the hypothetical failure to thrive, away from 'it's because I'm not x enough' and towards a more value-neutral 'we're not matched on y dimension'.
There are some good thoughts about that upthread, to which I will add the observation that I find perhaps most powerful when it comes to balancing out feelings of insecurity or doubt: everyone I have ever met, no matter how skilled or talented or how famous in their field, is ultimately just a guy. Everyone, everyone, everyone is boring and annoying and flawed and has secret doubts about their worth and their connections with other people. Consider, also, that you are not doing your friends a favor by putting them in this one-up position. This objectifies them and impedes authentic relating, and it feels much better to be seen as a person who is both awesome and human. Taking them down off the pedestal is actually doing them a favor.
posted by wormtales at 7:43 AM on August 15 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: If it only happens with some new friends, who seem incredibly interesting and fascinating "in every way", is it possible that they have narcissistic tendencies?
in this particular instance (in which i am currently) no, not at all. i mean i get what you're saying but this is def a me-problem
Consider, also, that you are not doing your friends a favor by putting them in this one-up position. This objectifies them and impedes authentic relating, and it feels much better to be seen as a person who is both awesome and human. Taking them down off the pedestal is actually doing them a favor.
ouch, but yes. thank you. i truly hope i am not pedestaling them but i appreciate this as a reminder to watch out for this
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 8:18 AM on August 15
in this particular instance (in which i am currently) no, not at all. i mean i get what you're saying but this is def a me-problem
Consider, also, that you are not doing your friends a favor by putting them in this one-up position. This objectifies them and impedes authentic relating, and it feels much better to be seen as a person who is both awesome and human. Taking them down off the pedestal is actually doing them a favor.
ouch, but yes. thank you. i truly hope i am not pedestaling them but i appreciate this as a reminder to watch out for this
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 8:18 AM on August 15
Best answer: I think I probably first came across the response I have in mind on the topic of accepting compliments, but friendship is a sort of compliment too I suppose. The idea is that the respectful move is to trust the other person's judgement. If they think your cake tastes great, it's rude to tell them they're wrong because you forgot the vanilla and nobody should eat it. Here, they think you're worthy of hanging out with, so don't preemptively decide they're wrong and take that option away from them. If you're into them, let them be into you. And yeah, sometimes friendships wane, and that's okay. Not every relationship is forever. But it's super unlikely someone's going to suddenly decide you've been boring this whole time and they were wrong to ever be friends with you. That'd require retroactively overruling their current judgement of you as a not-boring friend, and nobody likes doing that. Again, we can't rule out that y'all might drift apart as everyone's lives move on (and sometimes particularly sparkly-seeming people do move on, because part of their sparkle is the intensity with which they're drawn to new things), but, as you realize, all that fixating on that possibility can do is ensure it'll become true.
posted by teremala at 8:29 AM on August 15 [2 favorites]
posted by teremala at 8:29 AM on August 15 [2 favorites]
Also. One person's "boring" is another's "comforting and reliable". Maybe part of the need you fill in someone's life is groundedness. I'm sure that's why some people keep me around, and it's not a bad thing. Just to throw that out there in case part of you is still insisting that your "interesting" properties aren't sustainable long-term because there are only so many of them and you're not constantly generating new content, as it were.
posted by teremala at 8:53 AM on August 15 [3 favorites]
posted by teremala at 8:53 AM on August 15 [3 favorites]
I also like to take the pressure off with a phrase
"I'm not to everyone's taste, but I'm still tasty"
And that allows me to be a little more myself and see where it goes.
And how great that you bring enough peace to be mistaken for boredom by the inexperienced
posted by jander03 at 8:52 PM on August 15 [1 favorite]
"I'm not to everyone's taste, but I'm still tasty"
And that allows me to be a little more myself and see where it goes.
And how great that you bring enough peace to be mistaken for boredom by the inexperienced
posted by jander03 at 8:52 PM on August 15 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: UPDATE:
i put a lot of this advice into practice and i am pleased to say that we hung out this evening and had a lovely time. i was relaxed, present, and we hit it off well, and we'll likely be hanging out again later this week. i am focused more on the excitement of getting to know this new person and what they may come to learn about me and the memories we may make
so thank you all, sincerely, for being there for me here. y'all are lovely folks. marked as resolved!
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 1:13 PM on August 16 [4 favorites]
i put a lot of this advice into practice and i am pleased to say that we hung out this evening and had a lovely time. i was relaxed, present, and we hit it off well, and we'll likely be hanging out again later this week. i am focused more on the excitement of getting to know this new person and what they may come to learn about me and the memories we may make
so thank you all, sincerely, for being there for me here. y'all are lovely folks. marked as resolved!
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 1:13 PM on August 16 [4 favorites]
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When I am dealing with imposter syndrome two thoughts help me:
Decreasing the significance/pressure - What is the worst that could happen here if they DO think I’m boring? What is truly the biggest consequence? Is it anything that actually negatively impacts me? Is it anything I haven’t dealt with and survived before? Usually the answer to those is no.
Centering my own need for compatible friend qualities - Seeing it not as me (object) having a good/bad impression to them (subject), but on me (subject) sussing out good/bad fit within a possible friendship (object)- i try to remember all the things I like about myself. And if I let myself be authentic, and they think that’s boring or whatever, then it’s not a reflection on me, it’s a reflection on them / our incompatibility as friends.
If both those thoughts don’t move the needle, I would recommend therapy (or if in therapy, targeting the thoughts around this topic). If the imposter syndrome is coming from a deeper layer where you’re finding it hard to like things about yourself, then getting to the bottom of that will help a lot more than just friendship interactions! And if it’s that you are hyper vigilant of negative outcomes, that’s catastrophizing, and getting to the bottom of that will help you overall too.
Good luck!! It’s definitely possible to shift your mindset about this!
posted by seemoorglass at 5:40 AM on August 15 [9 favorites]