How to win friends and influence people, hard mode

July 20, 2024 10:33 AM

When my nervous system is well regulated, people love me. I can have a good conversation with anyone, and people like to give me things and bend rules for me. When it's not, people don't seem to like me at all, and even seem to want to pick on me.

I can understand why this is, and I probably react the same way to people - but it's still hard to deal with and feels a bit like being kicked while I'm already down. I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing differently behaviour wise. Nothing huge that would put people off, I know that - maybe a bit less smiling and eye contact, or maybe it's just smell or vibes?

Does anyone have any quick tips of things I can do to get people to like me while my nervous system is in a state of dysregulation? I'm getting better at keeping it regulated, but it's not always easy in the environment I live in.

posted by wheatlets to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Is it causing ongoing problems in your relationships with people? Otherwise, I think it's pretty typical for people to be more stand-offish with people who are visibly stressed out. And for good reason: I've seen coworkers who couldn't detect that sort of thing get themselves into repeated HR problems by inadvertently antagonizing coworkers who were On Their Last Nerve That Day.

Other than that, it can really help to take a breath and add a brief "oh, hey, sorry, I'm having a rough day", so that people have some context, and so that you've communicated that you're aware of your current emotional state. (Indicating that you know you're out of sorts suggests you're less likely to lose it on them, and will make them less cautious with you.)
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 11:02 AM on July 20 [9 favorites]

Look I know it's popular/therapy coded to say things like your nervous system is dysregulated, and I expect that probably makes it easier to source things like mental health support on a broad and ongoing basis, but I don't think it provides a whole lot of functional utility.

If you want to change specific interactions, you need to break things down into concrete and actionable units. Especially if you can't figure out what's different about your behavior during these times.

Are you overreacting to small stimuli? Maybe you're acting skittish or jumpy at noises. Maybe you snap more if someone asks you a question that's triggery. I know you have a thing with bright lights, are you complaining about that or other things that "most" people wouldn't clock as problematic? Behavior like that can distance you from others.

Or maybe you're generally overwhelmed and feeling foggy? Do you react slower when people talk to you? Or disengage from the conversation on a way that makes it seem like you're not listening/don't care about other people?

Or maybe you react to being overwhelmed in a different way, like your personal care suffers a bit and you look ragged or stink. (Not a value judgment.)

Do you have trouble relaxing in these moments? Maybe leading you to fidget a lot or pace? Make space-filling noises to burn off nervous energy?

Things like that. My point is that there are a whole lot of very subtle but material ways that you might be externalizing your stress that make folks want to give you a wider berth. Do know that this isn't a bad thing!! It's a social kindness to give space to people who appear to be overwhelmed. It doesn't mean you are disliked or unloved.

I think instead of looking at what you can do to "get people to like you" it would probably be more useful for you to put in some self-checks to identify what is causing you to feel how and then devise some coping strategies (a therapist can help you find these) for providing yourself some self care in those moments.

And recognize that even if you aren't liked by all people all of the time, it doesn't mean you are unlikeable.
posted by phunniemee at 11:36 AM on July 20 [36 favorites]

Is it possible when you're not well-regulated some perhaps large part of what's going on is that you feel like people don't like you rather than that they don't? It changes the question a little.
posted by less-of-course at 11:57 AM on July 20 [15 favorites]

Came to ask the same question as @less-of-course. The way you are framing this seems more likely to be about the deregulation causing a change in your perception of others’ perception of you than about it causing a change in their perception of you.
posted by moosetracks at 12:23 PM on July 20 [4 favorites]

I think I know what you mean, though I've never thought of it in terms of regulation or lack thereof. There are just days when it turns out I'm "on", have charisma and elan and so forth, and days when I don't. And people definitely react differently, and not in an attempt to be sensitive or nice - this is especially noticeable when dealing with people in e.g. bureaucratic or medical situations. It has been a serious problem sometimes: social skills are a huge lubricant for a lot of types of friction, and not having that lubricant can lead to tangibly different results.

I don't know how to switch from one state to the other, but I think I might come off a little aggressively when I'm not "on", or have a seemingly sour or antagonistic expression on my face. I also have less patience and probably sound that way when I speak; I definitely have a harder time considering anything from their point of view or putting myself in their shoes, and can get extremely frustrated when it feels like people I need help from are being illogically or needlessly unhelpful. I wonder if I come across to them as entitled or even harassing.

On a social level I'd just say "sorry, I'm feeling off today, don't take it personally if I seem snappy or anything", and probably try to fade into the background or go be alone. When interacting professionally or with relative strangers, especially people I need to help me, I can't say I've found the answer but I've been trying to (a) realize as early as possible that I'm working in an off state and (b) make it a conscious point to speak more gently, to not interrupt and take a moment to think before I say things, to make sure I acknowledge their points if I need to push back, and basically to come off as respectful and appreciative of them as possible. I've been trying to do the "putting myself in their shoes" processing ahead of time, when I can, so I don't have to rely on my limited ability to do it in real time; I can say empathetic things more easily the more I've thought of and practiced thinking them before. Basically, even if I can't bring in any fun charismatic magic and make them feel like it's a delight to help me out, at least I can try to not have them feel like they're in an adversarial situation.
posted by trig at 12:40 PM on July 20 [18 favorites]

There are some people in the world who respond poorly to visible "weakness". It sucks. I don't doubt that the dysregulation magnifies the sense of impatience or general hostility, but also some people really do that and it is not fun. (And weirdly, some of the comments here seem to be having the same reaction.) Especially when it's a customer service or general-public interaction where presumably you're trying to accomplish something and require at least a lack of complete opposition from others.

If I'm just not in a position to step away and do some kind of re-regulating exercise, and I am detecting the start of the hostility cycle from someone, I say "I'm so sorry, I've got a migraine, I'm not processing very fast today." Most people at least understand the general concept of migraine, and I am spared giving a long explanation (that they don't want and I'm not capable of presenting well anyway).

This does a pretty good job of defusing if they are clearly perceiving me - for whatever reason, probably my face and body language - as angry or confrontational or on drugs or about to rob the joint or whatever it is they assume is going on with me.

I know there's a bunch of circumstances or cultures where wearing sunglasses won't work, but I do like to use them both for regulation purposes and covering up what I think may be the most provocative part of my expression, because I can fake-smile okay but it doesn't reach my eyes. If this happens to you frequently, you might consider a pair of semi-tinted sunglasses/medium-dark tinted eyeglasses, as this somehow telegraphs "some kind of eye/visual problem" versus "too cool/famous".

I don't know that there's a perfect solution to this, so many of these interactions are only seconds-long so you don't have a lot of time to "fix" them.

You can generally assume, though, that if strangers are doing this to you on your bad days, they're worse to anybody who doesn't speak their language perfectly or is slow getting out their debit card or isn't sufficiently attractive. So if I do end up letting some of my crankiness loose on them, I don't lose any sleep over it.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:48 PM on July 20 [10 favorites]

Speaking as someone who lives this scenario I strongly suggest checking yourself for observation bias. If you have someone you trust, when you are feeling regulated ask them if they noticed you behaving oddly yesterday (or last week, etc).

If they say no, it's very possible what you are feeling is driven by your mood. If they say yes, then you can ask them what was different and start working from there.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:19 PM on July 20 [3 favorites]

If this is the same people, just say “just to let you know, I’m having an off day. It’s nothing personal.”

Assuming you mean little interactions- yeah first consider whether you really need people to be nice to you. As an example, I’m an acclimated to Toronto WASP store culture, prominently visible in any Hudson Bay store in the GTA. Salespeople will not greet me (except at the perfume counter) and will hesitantly provide service if asked, if they can’t point in a vague direction and say help is over there. Regardless of this customer service culture, I can get in, get a gift, and get out efficiently (if I note which cash counter is actually in service.) To those in the know, it’s a very Zen experience that teaches you that how the staff treat you is also about the environment and it is like the ocean tides.

If you are not able to experience the joys of walking through your day enjoying the tide pools as the ocean of free narcissistic-like supply (not in the bad sense, we all have egos) has gone out, you can try turning it around and loving other people on those days. Be extra cheerful in your own greeting, smile, hold the door for others, pay for the order of the person in line behind you in the drive-through, whatever. Treat those days as giving days and it’ll come back your way.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:36 PM on July 20 [3 favorites]

First off, this is a real thing.
Secondly, whether people like you is beyond your control. Commonly pretended otherwise, but it's true.
Whether you are expressing kindness toward yourself is within your control.
Whether you express consideration* for other people around you is within your control.

In my experience, dysregulation can dull the acute sensitivity I may have to how each individual receives consideration, and sometimes that snowballs into a mess of quick judgement and hurt feelings.
When I'm dysregulated, I turn off any desire to be charming, and I slow down. I am more careful to be deliberate in my responses to people. I am careful to be considerate in the ways that are meaningful to me, and if I offend someone, I quickly take responsibility for it and say I have some things goin on. That seems to bring a different safety to their experience than my regulated fun perceptive self, but it's still more comfortable than just letting an off-vibe run things. I tend to not try to engage much when I'm out of sorts. I do think human nervous systems have a certain co-regulatory quality and dysregulation can be contagious, which might be a factor in how people instinctively respond. Bringing it into explicit acknowledgement as soon as you feel there's a negative response toward you but in an undemanding way is the best I've come up with.
posted by droomoord at 3:11 PM on July 20 [5 favorites]

I can have a good conversation with anyone, and people like to give me things and bend rules for me. When it's not, people don't seem to like me at all, and even seem to want to pick on me.

Who are these people? Friends, family, coworkers, strangers? It's hard to tell if these are the same people behaving both ways to you, or if you meet strangers that go out of their way to be nice, and some that don't?

FWIW If we're talking about strangers like baristas and bus drivers or something, I'd see being given gifts and bending rules as surprising and unexpected niceties that are outside the norm, and not care that people that don't do this have any opinion about me at all. Obviously if we're talking about close friends or family, it would be odd for them to occasionally behave as if they don't like you, but without more information it's hard to know what is going on. Sometimes people are trying to give people space if they seem unhappy or out of sorts. But your question is nonspecific in several ways that make it hard to understand what quick tips might be helpful.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:16 PM on July 20 [1 favorite]

Are you irritable when you are disregulated? In my own experience, when certain people see another person as being sensitive and easily angered they will often try to get a rise out of that person on purpose, for their own amusement. They enjoy the little power trip of yanking their chain, and may even feel justified in doing it if they interpreted the person's irritability as being rude.

Just a possibility of why you feel you get picked on sometimes out of the blue. I've had this happen to me before, from people who had previously been friendly. It's like my inadvertent emotional overreaction sets off a need for the other person to retaliate, and they seem to have a certain amount of "mean glee" when they do so (as opposed to lashing out from hurt feelings or something.)
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:53 PM on July 20 [1 favorite]

Try videotaping yourself on a phone call when dysregulated, might give you some clues.

I wonder if you may have some combination of strained tension in your face and neck muscles, twitchy facial movements, over blinking, or “crazy eyes” (when the whites of the eyes show above the iris). The real woman from Baby Reindeer is a perfect example of this. Intentionally relaxing the facial muscles will help,
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:29 AM on July 21 [1 favorite]

Some people will also pick on you because they like you, expect better of you, and respect your ability to get called out it in a non confrontational way to then make some adjustments. Without knowing if these people are strangers or not makes this hard to answer. If these are strangers some people could give zero fucks about any charisma you have and aren't going to light up just because you have a twinkle in your eye.
posted by jasondigitized at 7:05 AM on July 21

Response by poster: To clarify, trig is the one who understands best what's going on here. It's when I really need help from people like bureaucratic or medical professionals that it becomes a big problem.
posted by wheatlets at 8:41 AM on July 21 [1 favorite]

So, if what trig said is correct, then you are coming across as aggressive and you have a sour expression on your face on days when your nervous system is not well regulated? If so it's not surprising that people react badly to you on those days. It's a natural reaction - it's something you do as well, because you too are more friendly and helpful to people who are kind to you and smile at you, and you are less likely to approach or help someone who is aggressive and has a sour expression on their face.

To be very clear, it's not "your fault" that this is happening, because you aren't being deliberately aggressive or sour at anyone. But nevertheless it is very understandable and natural that they react badly to you, and there is nothing you can do to make other people react to you with kindness and helpfulness when you are presenting as aggressive and sour.

I think your question needs to be less "why do people do this to me?" and more "how can I maintain nervous regulation more consistently?"
posted by MiraK at 9:40 AM on July 21

So, if what trig said is correct, then you are coming across as aggressive and you have a sour expression on your face on days when your nervous system is not well regulated?

That's my current theory for how I, myself, might come across; I don't know how it is for wheatlets! I think their point was that they're dealing with situations, like bureaucratic or medical ones, where the way people react to you actually makes a serious difference.

I do actually have another, slightly different take for why I get such different responses when I'm off. Namely that I know how to interact with people in my charismatic or friendly or sweet modes; I know instinctively how to behave; I know how to operate when I'm in the flow. But I don't really have a behavioral script or useful instincts when those modes aren't available to me. I know how to get a lot of people on my side when I'm able to be charming, but I don't know how to do it when I can't access those skills. It's not something I have a lot of models for or have given a lot of practice. So what I said before about trying ways to be gentle, provide visible signs of respect, and so on is me trying to work out and practice an alternative behavioral mode that I am able to access when I'm in limited-ability mode, if that makes any sense. To make the best metaphor I can think of at this moment: it's as if I know how to cook easily in a comfortable well-stocked kitchen with all the needed tools, but I have to figure out how I can still make something people will eat and not be unhappy about when all I've got access to is a weak hotplate, a tiny pan, an arm in a sling, and $1.50 worth of whatever I can buy at an especially poorly-stocked convenience store.
posted by trig at 10:09 AM on July 21 [8 favorites]

I relate to this both as patient and observer. I don’t think you’re alone — I think many people who are in vulnerable situations (which bureaucracy and medicine both connote to me) have difficulty in those moments. I am not a good patient myself — when I am sick or in pain I find it really hard to do the self-effacing thing women are supposed to do.

And I also think you’re 100% on target that it’s going to hurt you if you don’t find some way to compensate. I would say that an apology and acknowledging weakness goes a long way.
posted by eirias at 10:49 AM on July 21 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: To clarify - I don't know whether or not I look sour or come across as aggressive. That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out, and trig gave me some good ideas to pay attention to. When I said that trig was correct, I meant more along the lines of: this isn't about an abstract need to be liked, it's about tangible worse outcomes when I need help from people.

I mentioned in my original post that I fully understand why people react badly to someone with a poorly regulated nervous system, and that I probably do so myself. While keeping my nervous system better regulated is a worthwhile goal, it's impossible to do it 100% of the time, particularly in the types of stressful situations where it really matters. I've met people who are still able to come across as sweet, friendly, and likeable when they're under a lot of stress, and I'm looking for tips on how to do that.

I know how to interact with people in my charismatic or friendly or sweet modes; I know instinctively how to behave; I know how to operate when I'm in the flow. But I don't really have a behavioral script or useful instincts when those modes aren't available to me. I know how to get a lot of people on my side when I'm able to be charming, but I don't know how to do it when I can't access those skills. It's not something I have a lot of models for or have given a lot of practice.

This is spot on.
posted by wheatlets at 12:08 PM on July 21 [4 favorites]

As an awkward person, my go to way of dealing when I’m not managing being smoothly charismatic (almost always!), is being awkwardly over-formal. A lot of “pardon me”, “sir” or “ma’am” if you think it’s inoffensive in context, somewhat overly elaborate sentence structure. The idea, for me, is that while I may be coming off as peculiar (almost certainly!), I’m not coming off as hostile or disrespectful. Not sure if this technique suits your needs, but take it for what it’s worth.
posted by LizardBreath at 10:05 AM on July 26