Surviving a divorce

June 2, 2024 2:31 AM

Looking back on your own divorce, what did you do right? Looking for your real-life experience making the right choices for yourself emotionally, financially, organizationally, etc.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total)

When splitting up our belongings, I asked myself, "is X worth more than my dignity?"

It saved me the stress of dickering over every paperback or Christmas ornament.
posted by champers at 3:41 AM on June 2 [9 favorites]

I did plenty wrong, by both of us really, but I did not pursue every last cent in the financial agreement and I certainly could have ended up with more money. Retaining my self respect was more important and I've never regretted it.
posted by deadwax at 4:32 AM on June 2 [9 favorites]

Committing to a collaborative law practice—and although this didn’t get us through without turbulence (because spouse), I found my lawyer particularly sane and humane. A good financial advisor, too, to help budget both the process and the aftermath.

Knowing it was going to take longer than one hoped, and that while there were losses (the family home), it would eventually be sorted.

As child of divorced parents awareness that alcohol doesnt help and listening to my kids would. Also exercise to keep head from exploding.
posted by xaryts at 5:27 AM on June 2 [2 favorites]

I found a comforting TV show and made a routine of watching it each night. My days were stressful with parenting, working, and pulling my life back together; the relaxing evening routine helped me tell myself everything would eventually be okay.
posted by metasarah at 6:06 AM on June 2 [3 favorites]

Couple things I did for my mental health -

- I made a list of things that would be better single (don't have to cook for anyone else, don't have to consult someone else when making plans, etc.) This helped more than I thought it would.

- I ran across this quote, "Bitterness is poison you drink yourself hoping it will kill someone else." I actively worked on forgiving and letting go of the bitterness that so easily grows during the divorce process.

Regarding finances, like Champers above, I did not let every little decision become a fight. My lawyer said that, at least in California (a no-fault State), you each walk away with half of the pie. You are just sorting out which half. So I focused on what was most important to me (things like preserving the kid's college fund, even if it meant giving in on some other things.) Doing this helped me feel like, not a winner, but better about the process of dividing things up.

My adult kids kept reminding me that it was time to make decisions for me, not we, because their Dad was certainly doing so. It took me awhile to let myself make decisions that would be best for me even if it was not what my ex wanted since I had been so accustomed for so long to thinking of "we" first in every decision.

Be gentle with yourself. It absolutely 100% will get better and life will be good again.
posted by eleslie at 6:19 AM on June 2 [5 favorites]

I didn't rush her. It was almost two years between separation and signed paperwork. She needed that time to come to terms with the reality. It kept things mostly cordial and collaborative and fair, all of which has benefitted us in the ensuing years.
posted by Kwine at 6:25 AM on June 2 [2 favorites]

I did not say a single unkind word to my former spouse, no matter how reprehensibly he behaved ---and he was astoundingly, shockingly awful, a completely different person from the one I married. I wanted to be able to look back on myself with pride, and I do. I recently stumbled on some emails I sent during that time and thought "I sound like someone I would like to know." It's a lasting source of satisfaction to me.

And then, when it was over, I cut off all contact. Obviously that won't be possible for a lot of people, especially those with kids, but if it is, I can't recommend it highly enough. It was the best thing I could possibly have done for my mental health.
posted by HotToddy at 6:30 AM on June 2 [21 favorites]

Three things:

1) Integrity
2) Kindness
3) When it came to physical goods, hiring a pair of moderators (one for her and one for me) to negotiate an agreement for us to sign.

It’s very easy to allow integrity and kindness to slip away if you don’t make them a daily focus.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:38 AM on June 2 [1 favorite]

I kept a journal of all the things I wished I'd said, or did, or figured out over the duration of the relationship and then used the paper to start up the grill. Yours may look different, but some sort of closure ceremony might help.

Not sure if kids are involved, but either way any and all important communication was put in writing (text or email). Never needed to use it to 'prove' anything, but helped me keep track of things and totally avoided ever using children as the messenger for anything. Direct communication always.
posted by Twicketface at 6:43 AM on June 2 [4 favorites]

I did not badmouth my ex to my daughter. He became somewhat distant as a father once he found a (nasty) new wife and had a kid with her, and while I was very angry with him about the way he and the wife acted I tried my best to smooth it over with my daughter so as not to risk creating an actual rift. I think she came away with a realistic picture of who he was as a father, and she didn't need to know the more douche-baggy parts of who he was as a husband.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:45 AM on June 2 [4 favorites]

Didn't fight for any material goods unless it was something really, crushingly important to me. In turn, used that as an opportunity to celebrate and buy things I’d always wanted, like a nice enough silverware set that the spoons won’t bend when I eat ice cream straight out of the freezer. It’s been a long time, and I’m remarried now, but we still use that set and it still makes me happy every. Damn. Time. I eat ice cream.
posted by okayokayigive at 6:46 AM on June 2 [5 favorites]

IME how well you "do" at divorce depends heavily on whether you wanted the divorce or not.

If you did not want the divorce: the biggest challenge will be figuring out your life and how to deal with your kids in the midst of your grief, and (in third place, no higher and no lower) how to behave in an outwardly reasonable and non-abusive way towards your ex who is putting you through the worst torture of your life. You will never regret maintaining your dignity and being kind.

If you wanted the divorce: the biggest challenge in the immediate aftermath will be to remain outwardly and internally kind to your ex while they flail and come to terms with the divorce. The other stuff - your new life and dealing with the kids and so on - will come automatically and almost easily due to how much energy you will have from leaving the dreadful relationship. Your ex may be very angry with you but it makes sense to let some minor level of yelling, name-calling, and unkindness towards you go, without comment and certainly without retaliation. You will never regret remaining kind while your ex finds their equilibrium. Shouldn't take longer than about 6 months for them to get through their crazy anger stage, though, so you will be well within your rights to shut them down if they go on longer. And there should never be even a hint of a physical threat, that crosses the line into DANGER.
posted by MiraK at 6:59 AM on June 2 [3 favorites]

A good divorce attorney will take a lot of worry off your plate. Meet with a few, go with the one who shares your goals. There’s a fair chance they will be more expensive, but they’ve seen everything and will have your back.
posted by Ookseer at 7:22 AM on June 2 [2 favorites]

Oh yes, and careful driving. You’re at a higher risk for car accidents during and for up to a year after divorce. You don’t need the extra grief.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:25 AM on June 2 [4 favorites]

When friends called, I answered the phone even if I didn't want to talk and I always came away from the conversations feeling better. I also let my friends come over or take me out or meet me somewhere. All things which helped me get out of my shock and grief.

I also walked for my miles and miles and listened to music. One song in particular really helped. The video, too, as I found it uplifting. Blue Skies by Noah and the Whale

It all felt awful while going through it, but I am so happy now. Just want you to know that you will get through it and there is life on the other side.
posted by poppunkcat at 7:50 AM on June 2 [3 favorites]

Buy all new bedlinen. I think that was a tip I read on here.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 8:44 AM on June 2 [2 favorites]

In addition to all the advice here, I'd add "cultivate patience"—it can be a slow process, even when it's a legally simple divorce. We were lucky, we had nothing to divide except art book, 2k in credit debt and a dog who was already living with my parents most of the time. Even with that it was a lot of waiting and more court dates than I'd expected. Because we had few entanglements, I was able to go no contact, which I recently broke (28 years later) when a mutual friend died. So, patience. The day when you're ready to talk to your ex again may be very long down the road.

The specific things I did was introduce myself to people as "single" not "divorced" and took myself to a fancy solo cocktail and dinner on the day the decree was entered. Honestly, I spent a lot of time doing small things without considering anyone else's schedule or errands. I figured there'd come a day again when I had to consider someone else in my plans, but that say was not today and I was going to relish it.
posted by crush at 9:48 AM on June 2 [1 favorite]

I didn’t make “going through a divorce rn” my personality. I had ONE confidant and for everyone else I just kept news of what was going on very superficial. Mind you, my divorce process last six years and included a lot of physical and financial abuse, as well as attempts on my life and my children’s lives, constant calls to children’s aid and police as a way to harass us, stalking, trying to get me fired from my job, and other unpleasantness along with a smear campaign that isolated me from pretty much everyone (a flying monkey of my ex’s went through the trouble of going through my extensive social media and contacting everyone with horrible statements about myself and the children. It was a lot of drama and I knew if I shared it with others it would then be something I had to talk about all the time - which would just be reinforcing the narrative in my head that my life was consumed by the divorce.

Unlike others above, I have zero regrets about insisting on a fair share of the finances, it was not just for me, but for my children’s future. We were, for about a year, facing the very real prospect of being completely homeless and penniless while their father was living without any worries at all. So, don’t feel bad about getting what you are entitled to. Actual possessions? I didn’t care, my child support and a fair share of the assists and debts was what I was looking for (as he was a spendthrift and I came into the marriage with considerable assets versus his huge (hidden) debts, he really made out better financially, but I recognized the point of diminishing returns and I am happy with the settlement.

I was willing to go the distance (we settled the morning of our three week trial, which he claimed to want but was actually told by multiple senior lawyers he was going to lose big), learned how to represent myself in court at over 50 appearances, and now share what I learned with other people going through a high conflict divorce. Life post divorce, three years out, is amazing. I have control of my own life, I am calm, I am looking forward to the second half of my life.
posted by saucysault at 10:10 AM on June 2 [6 favorites]

Also, in terms of organisation, after about a year of thinking it was going to be amicable, and realizing it wouldn’t, I got super organised. I had binders full of documents that each had tables of contents, calendars for each day, I tracked my hours spent as I could claim them as costs in court etc. I duplicated all paper (because courts insist on originals) into digital format and again organised them to be easily findable. It was entirely based on how the courts organise and label documents as I was basically doing the work of a lawyer.
posted by saucysault at 10:16 AM on June 2 [1 favorite]

The best thing I did for mine was ask friends for help; so many people gave me time, or a space to hide, or drinks, or distractions, all very badly needed. So many people were willing to talk with me about their divorces or bad patches that I'd never heard about, and I had offers of support from a few surprising folks that I didn't think were as close.

Also therapy. If you don't have a therapist, see about getting one if you can--having a private space to vent and talk things out is immeasurably helpful, and it will keep you from constantly talking about your divorce when you probably don't want to.
posted by VeritableSaintOfBrevity at 10:42 AM on June 2

For my second divorce, it was a combination of two apparently contradictory things: (1) Deciding I was going to pursue a fair financial settlement (which I had totally failed at in my first divorce), and (2) Finding a divorce coach who specializes in peaceful divorces. So I had support in standing up for myself, but in a context that didn't encourage all-out-war as the method. That helped me stay on an even keel, when the highly-recommended mediator messed up in my ex's favor... So I was able to address that without blowing things up.
posted by gigimakka at 10:42 AM on June 2

When splitting up our belongings, I asked myself, "is X worth more than my dignity?"

For me it was "is X worth more than my freedom?" and the answer was almost always no. (I was in my mid 20s and we didn't have kids.)
posted by gentlyepigrams at 10:49 AM on June 2 [2 favorites]

One of the first things I realized when I was going through a divorce is that lawyers are way more expensive than therapists, and your lawyer (or a court of law) couldn't make my ex behave. I left my first lawyer who charged me for long phone calls where I basically cried and complained for a second lawyer who was very good, and he also never engaged with me emotionally. That saved me so much money in the long run, and he really helped me get the best divorce agreement possible.

I looked out for my finances. This meant holding out 14 months so I made sure that I got to 10 years before the divorce paperwork was filled. 10 years of marriage means social security at my ex-spouses much higher rate. I know it's not a lot of money, but it is a small security. I also insisted on alimony- because I stayed home with my kids and helped his career by doing so. He has to pay alimony through when he retires, and I have zero shame in that fact. He also had to pay child support through when my youngest graduated from college. They were 4 when we split, so that meant 20 years to get to a point in my own career where I could be financially stable (which was the exact time I needed. They graduated a year ago, and I now make more on my own then I did with child support/alimony/ my old income.) I also insisted on full ownership of the family home. I knew two couples who divorced in the 70s and their spouse retained 50% ownership of the family home. When prices reached record levels in the late 90s, they were forced to sell their houses and split the profit, despite the wife paying for all of the up keep etc. These were houses purchased for $40,000, and selling for $1,000,000.

In terms of kids- I bit my tongue until it bled about their father. I was the child of divorce and I realized that the way my mother talked about my father made me think she was issue and of course he had to leave her. This is not true, but in my kid mind it made sense.

Getting divorced was the most transformational experience of my life, and I have no regrets. I am in a relationship that is now way longer than my marriage, and he is a perfect match for me. My ex and I are friendly, especially now that our kids are out on their own. We share the joy of them, and I have no rage about him. The thing I think the most is better his wife than me. Just put one foot in front of the other, and you will be ok.
posted by momochan at 11:44 AM on June 2 [1 favorite]

Every divorce is so different, but I'll try to keep mine fairly general:

- As I put it in my own mind, I got selfish. It's a word that gets a lot of flack, but what I mean is that I began regaining my sense of self as my own person, not as part of a couple. We share a child and while I'm not sure this will make sense, I made her wellbeing part of this push as well. I took a clear look at what was best for her, then what was best for me, and found it often meant the same thing in terms of a clean break, our living situation, money situation, etc.

- I told my friends, especially those I shared with my ex, that I preferred it if they didn't talk major shit about him to me. I know that is the default for many friends, but I actually found it just made me feel worse to hear them talk that way. I didn't need to be any more angry than I already was. It was a much bigger help to have conversations with friends who could ask thoughtful questions about what I thought had happened, and offer some of their own experience as well.

- We were "lucky" enough not to really own anything, so used a divorce service called Hello Divorce. This saved SO MUCH money (that we didn't have anyway) and made the process very simple. Not chasing my avoidant ex for paperwork and putting that layer of professionalism between us was a huge help.

- Be kind to yourself. And do things that you know help after a break up. Try something new that has nothing to do with the other person. Allow yourself the random crying jags and personal days off work, if possible. Put up boundaries with your ex as needed, and stick to them.

- Remember: The other side of this experience exists, and you will get to it. The process can be so hard, but it will be worth it.
posted by Molasses808 at 2:38 PM on June 2 [1 favorite]

These are more like "Do as I say, not as I did" examples:

1) I wish I had accepted it with more grace (it was my choice to float the idea, but he jumped on that float REAL fast, when I was just about 1/4 ready for it).

2) I also wish I'd taken the car.

We were super young, and fairly underemployed, living partially off his wealthy parents' kindness (which had definite limits where I was concerned). They were mortally certain I had married him for his money (what money? all the money was their money!) and that I would clean out the whole family in the divorce. While I was pretty sure there were no divorce laws that would entitle me to his DAD'S MONEY in a divorce, I was too proud to allow even the hint of a glimmer of gold-digging, so I just dropped it all and walked away.

So I guess my advice would be: Do what you need to for your financial stability - not what your pride demands of you. Future-you will thank past-you for it.
posted by invincible summer at 10:44 AM on June 3 [2 favorites]

Emotionally:
-Worked out every day. 30-60 minutes of cardio.
-Got a therapist.
-Didn’t drink.
-Leaned on my best friend.
-Journaled. I’ve always needed journaling for two reasons: 1. It helps me to work through my feelings. 2. It keeps me from looking back at things with rose-colored glasses.

What I should have done but did not:
-Wait to start a new relationship. At least a year.
posted by sugarbomb at 3:41 PM on June 3

1. Letting people I trust know about it. It opened the door to a lot of great information, and I learned so much I'd never imagined, and helped me feel a lot better and allowed me to reclaim a voice and some agency.

2. Very early on after the start of the divorce process a good friend, who'd been through a much stickier divorce than mine, counseled me: "Always take the high road." I didn't always follow that advice but I mostly did, and looking back on how things have ended up -- my ex and I are now very amicable and more importantly our child got through it relatively unscathed and is doing just wonderfully -- I'm glad that I followed that advice when I did. It was not easy, and I am less well off financially for it, but I believe the choice will pay [mental-health|logistical|other] dividends as the years pass both for myself and my child. So I'm taking that advice and paying it forward.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 8:09 PM on June 3

What I did right: It took a long time - I was eventually honest with myself about my role in the end of the marriage. It took me a while to get there, past the shock, grief, jealousy, rage and every other emotion I was going through, and then I had to be gentle with myself on all of that. My ex wasn't wrong for leaving, but their tactics could have been a lot better.

What I did wrong: played the victim. Should have accepted this with more grace. I did not. Deeply ashamed of how I behaved when my ex-spouse decided to leave.
posted by Thistledown at 9:27 AM on June 7

Also - financially - re-framed my ideas about what I needed vs. wanted in my relationship with money. decided there were a lot of things I really didn't need and was ultimately happier.
posted by Thistledown at 9:29 AM on June 7