Driving lessons
June 1, 2024 8:30 AM Subscribe
How do I make a decision about whether to continue driving lessons, and, if I decide not to continue them, how do I feel ok about this?
I've posted here before about starting driving lessons aged fifty. I'm about 14 lessons in, using an automatic car, with my second instructor, who is patient and thoughtful and specialises in working with nervous learners. At the last lesson, we had two near misses, and he ended the lesson early as he said I wasn't safe. I had anyway planned to talk to him that day about whether it was worth me continuing, whether there was any chance of me passing and in what timescales, so we had that conversation.
He said he was concerned about my very slow progress and my lack of skill manoeuvring the car. He said that he thinks I may have dyspraxia and commented that I'm clumsy getting in and out of the car as well. (I'm not sure if he used the word clumsy, but that's what he meant.) He said he's aware that I'm anxious about driving - we've talked about that briefly - and said that the combination of poor co-ordination plus anxiety makes me freeze, and that that was had caused the two near misses. He thinks it would take at least a year more of weekly lessons before there is any chance of me being ready to take my test, and that he's not sure I will be able to make progress on the manoeuvring-anxiety-freeze problem even in that time period. I don't have access to an automatic car to practice, but he said I shouldn't anyway, as it would be too dangerous without dual control. He suggested that, even if I managed to pass eventually, I might continue to be such a nervous driver that I would never use the skill.
He said he is happy to continue lessons if that's what I want, but asked me to take six weeks to think about whether I do.
That was a couple of weeks ago, and I'm about 85% sure that I've made the decision not to continue, on the grounds that I think he's right that there is a high chance that I'm not going to be able to improve to a passable stage, and, given that, the anxiety I feel about each lesson, and the financial cost (another year would be about £3k) and the time sink. I wanted to ask MetaFilter whether there's anything I'm missing or wrongly weighting in coming to this conclusion.
If that's the decision I go with - how do I avoid sinking into a slough of despond about it? My main reason for wanting to learn was that it's difficult seeing my father without being able to drive. He has dementia and doesn't drive now. He lives somewhere not easy to get to by public transport. I spend a day with him pretty much every week; it's a hassle to get there, and I can't take him anywhere fun - he really likes excursions. We do what we can with public transport and the delights of the local towns, but it's not ideal. I feel I'm letting him down. We've talked about moving him nearer, but for the moment that's on hold. Another reason was that I've thought about becoming a foster carer; I know some people manage that without driving, but it's not something I'd feel able to do without that resource. In general I'd like to be able to help people in ways that are difficult without transport, and not to inconvenience them by having to be transported myself.
There's also the feeling that most other people in the UK manage this. About 85% of people in their fifties have a licence. I'm the only adult I know of my age who doesn't. I feel a lot of shame about this, and remember that my PE teacher at school said if my co-ordination didn't improve I wouldn't be able to drive. I feel upset and humiliated, and guilty about not having done more exercise to improve things. It feeds into all the other things I feel a sense of failure about or abnormal about too, and grief about choices I've made. And I feel guilty about taking lifts from family and friends. And about the money I've wasted on lessons to get to this point. How can I reframe my thinking about this?
I'm aware of course that it's cheaper and better for the environment not to drive. In my case, that's tempered by my taking a lot of taxis, and lifts from others. I'd like to head off the therapy recommendation, please; I've had a lot of it, it's helped with some things, not with others, and it's not something I want to try again at the moment. Also not interested in medication at the moment (have had a lot of experience of anti-depressants).
I've posted here before about starting driving lessons aged fifty. I'm about 14 lessons in, using an automatic car, with my second instructor, who is patient and thoughtful and specialises in working with nervous learners. At the last lesson, we had two near misses, and he ended the lesson early as he said I wasn't safe. I had anyway planned to talk to him that day about whether it was worth me continuing, whether there was any chance of me passing and in what timescales, so we had that conversation.
He said he was concerned about my very slow progress and my lack of skill manoeuvring the car. He said that he thinks I may have dyspraxia and commented that I'm clumsy getting in and out of the car as well. (I'm not sure if he used the word clumsy, but that's what he meant.) He said he's aware that I'm anxious about driving - we've talked about that briefly - and said that the combination of poor co-ordination plus anxiety makes me freeze, and that that was had caused the two near misses. He thinks it would take at least a year more of weekly lessons before there is any chance of me being ready to take my test, and that he's not sure I will be able to make progress on the manoeuvring-anxiety-freeze problem even in that time period. I don't have access to an automatic car to practice, but he said I shouldn't anyway, as it would be too dangerous without dual control. He suggested that, even if I managed to pass eventually, I might continue to be such a nervous driver that I would never use the skill.
He said he is happy to continue lessons if that's what I want, but asked me to take six weeks to think about whether I do.
That was a couple of weeks ago, and I'm about 85% sure that I've made the decision not to continue, on the grounds that I think he's right that there is a high chance that I'm not going to be able to improve to a passable stage, and, given that, the anxiety I feel about each lesson, and the financial cost (another year would be about £3k) and the time sink. I wanted to ask MetaFilter whether there's anything I'm missing or wrongly weighting in coming to this conclusion.
If that's the decision I go with - how do I avoid sinking into a slough of despond about it? My main reason for wanting to learn was that it's difficult seeing my father without being able to drive. He has dementia and doesn't drive now. He lives somewhere not easy to get to by public transport. I spend a day with him pretty much every week; it's a hassle to get there, and I can't take him anywhere fun - he really likes excursions. We do what we can with public transport and the delights of the local towns, but it's not ideal. I feel I'm letting him down. We've talked about moving him nearer, but for the moment that's on hold. Another reason was that I've thought about becoming a foster carer; I know some people manage that without driving, but it's not something I'd feel able to do without that resource. In general I'd like to be able to help people in ways that are difficult without transport, and not to inconvenience them by having to be transported myself.
There's also the feeling that most other people in the UK manage this. About 85% of people in their fifties have a licence. I'm the only adult I know of my age who doesn't. I feel a lot of shame about this, and remember that my PE teacher at school said if my co-ordination didn't improve I wouldn't be able to drive. I feel upset and humiliated, and guilty about not having done more exercise to improve things. It feeds into all the other things I feel a sense of failure about or abnormal about too, and grief about choices I've made. And I feel guilty about taking lifts from family and friends. And about the money I've wasted on lessons to get to this point. How can I reframe my thinking about this?
I'm aware of course that it's cheaper and better for the environment not to drive. In my case, that's tempered by my taking a lot of taxis, and lifts from others. I'd like to head off the therapy recommendation, please; I've had a lot of it, it's helped with some things, not with others, and it's not something I want to try again at the moment. Also not interested in medication at the moment (have had a lot of experience of anti-depressants).
You say no therapy but that sounds like talking therapy. Is there a way to get PT/OT (occupational therapy) for motor skills assessment?
posted by cobaltnine at 8:38 AM on June 1 [14 favorites]
posted by cobaltnine at 8:38 AM on June 1 [14 favorites]
How can I reframe my thinking about this?
Invisible disabilities are still disabilities. You got a crap roll of the dice when you were born.
If, for example, you were born blind you also would not be able to drive. Would you blame yourself for that?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:47 AM on June 1 [34 favorites]
Invisible disabilities are still disabilities. You got a crap roll of the dice when you were born.
If, for example, you were born blind you also would not be able to drive. Would you blame yourself for that?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:47 AM on June 1 [34 favorites]
I'm sorry it's been a rough time with something you really want to do.
It sounds to me like the driving lessons should come after you've made an improvement in the body coordination area. Have you done body work like yoga or maybe even a dance class? If I'm reading your question correctly, it seems like you might have an issue with letting go and letting your body do something without controlling it so much with your conscious brain. And that's what driving needs to end up being for you in order to be safe. When I'm going to change lanes, my finger naturally goes to the blinker, turns that on, I look to my left and right, all while staying in my lane and then move the steering wheel to head to the other lane. If another car were to start going to my intended lane, I'd need move the steering wheel to get back to my original lane, all while monitoring whether another car is now there. All of this can happen in 2-3 seconds so really "thinking" about any of it would slow me down way too much. Does that make sense? My finger just reaches for the blinker and turns it on, I don't have to think, "ok, which side is the blinker on, should I move my hand from the steering wheel to reach it or just use one finger."
When I've done a cardio class that includes some movement, I feel like it's a similar learning process until I get the steps/moves down. At first, I'm fumbling, going in the wrong direction of everyone else, etc. But after a while, it kind of falls into place and I can do it pretty well without thinking of it. That's the kind of experience you're looking for and doing it in a class that has nothing to do with driving and/or safety might give you the environment you need in order to get your body doing what you want without so much conscious thought.
One more thing - what I'm describing is not just to "take an exercise class", it's to become an anthropologist who is researching the subject of your own body. You might find that the issue is a delayed processing disorder, or that it is anxiety, but once you have a better idea on that, you'll be able to find resources to help with your precise issues.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:49 AM on June 1 [8 favorites]
It sounds to me like the driving lessons should come after you've made an improvement in the body coordination area. Have you done body work like yoga or maybe even a dance class? If I'm reading your question correctly, it seems like you might have an issue with letting go and letting your body do something without controlling it so much with your conscious brain. And that's what driving needs to end up being for you in order to be safe. When I'm going to change lanes, my finger naturally goes to the blinker, turns that on, I look to my left and right, all while staying in my lane and then move the steering wheel to head to the other lane. If another car were to start going to my intended lane, I'd need move the steering wheel to get back to my original lane, all while monitoring whether another car is now there. All of this can happen in 2-3 seconds so really "thinking" about any of it would slow me down way too much. Does that make sense? My finger just reaches for the blinker and turns it on, I don't have to think, "ok, which side is the blinker on, should I move my hand from the steering wheel to reach it or just use one finger."
When I've done a cardio class that includes some movement, I feel like it's a similar learning process until I get the steps/moves down. At first, I'm fumbling, going in the wrong direction of everyone else, etc. But after a while, it kind of falls into place and I can do it pretty well without thinking of it. That's the kind of experience you're looking for and doing it in a class that has nothing to do with driving and/or safety might give you the environment you need in order to get your body doing what you want without so much conscious thought.
One more thing - what I'm describing is not just to "take an exercise class", it's to become an anthropologist who is researching the subject of your own body. You might find that the issue is a delayed processing disorder, or that it is anxiety, but once you have a better idea on that, you'll be able to find resources to help with your precise issues.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:49 AM on June 1 [8 favorites]
An extra note on invisible disabilities: I was 46 before my hand was forced and I had to admit to myself and others that I was going to have significant problems without an accommodation from my workplace. The fact that I had made it that far (albeit with a lot of silent struggle) without having to think of myself as having a disability made it a bitter pill to swallow.
I’m fine with it now. I don’t shove it in peoples faces, but it has allowed me to make choices such that most of the time it isn’t a problem. And more importantly, I make those choices with no guilt or judgment upon myself.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:05 AM on June 1 [5 favorites]
I’m fine with it now. I don’t shove it in peoples faces, but it has allowed me to make choices such that most of the time it isn’t a problem. And more importantly, I make those choices with no guilt or judgment upon myself.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:05 AM on June 1 [5 favorites]
I wonder if it might be possible or worthwhile to consult with a driving instructor who specializes in dyspraxic drivers; I Googled a little bit and there's at least some organizations out there.
Disability Driving Instructors
posted by Jeanne at 9:10 AM on June 1 [5 favorites]
Disability Driving Instructors
posted by Jeanne at 9:10 AM on June 1 [5 favorites]
I get that taking taxis/Uber/etc. can be expensive, but is it really more expensive than the cost of continuing your lessons + the cost of the driving test + owning a car + keeping a car in good repair + getting car insurance + parking costs + (I'm sure there's more)?
Perhaps it's time to take allll that energy you're putting into this process, and instead put that into whatever mechanisms would make your current dilemmas easier to handle - moving your dad closer to you, or going closer to him, etc.?
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:17 AM on June 1 [30 favorites]
Perhaps it's time to take allll that energy you're putting into this process, and instead put that into whatever mechanisms would make your current dilemmas easier to handle - moving your dad closer to you, or going closer to him, etc.?
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:17 AM on June 1 [30 favorites]
First, although I understand the urge to make a “final” decision, I encourage you to think of it as a “for now, maybe forever” decision. Leave space for 55-year-old-you, who has perhaps resolved some dyspraxia challenges, to reconsider lessons. You will not be giving up your options after making this choice today! You will remain a person capable of making a different decision tomorrow, if the situation changes.
First part two, I second the idea of considering OT/PT for dyspraxia. Try to understand this condition on the basis of understanding yourself, unrelated to the goal of driving.
Second, I think the analogy of being blind is a good one. Your body physically is not able to be a safe driver right now. It’s as if you were blind or otherwise visually impaired. So be it. That’s the hand you were dealt. There’s no need to feel shame around the outcome of that.
I don’t have any suggestions, but in your shoes, I would be seeking accounts/stories/autobiogeaphies of people who lost their vision in adulthood and how they adapted to their new understanding of their abilities in their environment.
posted by samthemander at 9:18 AM on June 1 [4 favorites]
First part two, I second the idea of considering OT/PT for dyspraxia. Try to understand this condition on the basis of understanding yourself, unrelated to the goal of driving.
Second, I think the analogy of being blind is a good one. Your body physically is not able to be a safe driver right now. It’s as if you were blind or otherwise visually impaired. So be it. That’s the hand you were dealt. There’s no need to feel shame around the outcome of that.
I don’t have any suggestions, but in your shoes, I would be seeking accounts/stories/autobiogeaphies of people who lost their vision in adulthood and how they adapted to their new understanding of their abilities in their environment.
posted by samthemander at 9:18 AM on June 1 [4 favorites]
Nthing those suggesting seeking help from a specialist like an OT - in the US we have OTs who specialize in teaching driving skills/assessing people for whether they can drive safely.
But also - if driving is this hard for you, it's OK to decide not to do it! You've made it to your 50s without driving. Driving is a super useful skill to have, and I'm glad I'm able do it. Maybe for you it makes more sense to focus on other skills that come to you more easily or on finding non-driving solutions to your problems. (FWIW I mostly like giving people rides, helping pick up furniture, etc. - makes me feel less guilty about my car ownership.)
The £3k that a year of driving lessons would cost would pay for a lot of taxis! Heck, you could hire a driver for the day once in a while and take your dad on some excellent excursions.
posted by mskyle at 9:27 AM on June 1 [3 favorites]
But also - if driving is this hard for you, it's OK to decide not to do it! You've made it to your 50s without driving. Driving is a super useful skill to have, and I'm glad I'm able do it. Maybe for you it makes more sense to focus on other skills that come to you more easily or on finding non-driving solutions to your problems. (FWIW I mostly like giving people rides, helping pick up furniture, etc. - makes me feel less guilty about my car ownership.)
The £3k that a year of driving lessons would cost would pay for a lot of taxis! Heck, you could hire a driver for the day once in a while and take your dad on some excellent excursions.
posted by mskyle at 9:27 AM on June 1 [3 favorites]
I do think that reframing your narrative around having an invisible disability would be helpful, especially around the shame part. If you get a clear diagnosis for having a disability would you be able to qualify for services like the one in my area Access a Ride? That might help defray your costs a bit for some rides and at least give you more options.
I also want to recommend When Driving is Not an Option by Anna Zivarts. She is a disability advocate where I live and understands a lot about how people with disabilities are not being served by our transportation systems. Hearing the stories of others and maybe getting inspired to advocate for improvements where you live might be empowering for you.
I would also second the suggestion to take some kind of movement class, not to help with driving, but just to help you feel more confident in your own body. You want to improve your proprioception - understanding your own sense of your body's movements in space. You can do that in a lot of ways - dance, Tai chi, yoga, Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais, or even traditional physical therapy.
posted by brookeb at 9:29 AM on June 1 [5 favorites]
I also want to recommend When Driving is Not an Option by Anna Zivarts. She is a disability advocate where I live and understands a lot about how people with disabilities are not being served by our transportation systems. Hearing the stories of others and maybe getting inspired to advocate for improvements where you live might be empowering for you.
I would also second the suggestion to take some kind of movement class, not to help with driving, but just to help you feel more confident in your own body. You want to improve your proprioception - understanding your own sense of your body's movements in space. You can do that in a lot of ways - dance, Tai chi, yoga, Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais, or even traditional physical therapy.
posted by brookeb at 9:29 AM on June 1 [5 favorites]
You've got good self awareness here! I feel upset and humiliated, and guilty about not having done more exercise to improve things. It feeds into all the other things I feel a sense of failure about or abnormal about too, and grief about choices I've made. And I feel guilty about taking lifts from family and friends. And about the money I've wasted on lessons to get to this point. How can I reframe my thinking about this? seems incredibly thoughtful and insightful. You understand what is driving you here, and part of you must know already that these reasons may not be motivators that will magically make you skilled at driving.
It's totally OK to not be able to drive. As you note, this is a cultural expectation where you live, but there's nothing 'natural' about being able to drive. You've made it through decades of life fine without driving! I actually admire that you have done that.
The only piece of this that may be important to address is on the chance that you are occasionally asking for more driving favors than friends feel comfortable with (by no means a certainty). You could always ask those friends something like, "I really want to do something to help balance out the fact that you drive so often. I'd love if you let me help pay for gas more often [or, I'd love to give you these cookies for all the driving you did last month, or whatever]"
The other stuff is to work out in therapy, meditation, self-inquiry, and gentle, self love. Driving won't make you feel like a better person, and not driving is perfectly OK.
posted by latkes at 9:30 AM on June 1 [2 favorites]
It's totally OK to not be able to drive. As you note, this is a cultural expectation where you live, but there's nothing 'natural' about being able to drive. You've made it through decades of life fine without driving! I actually admire that you have done that.
The only piece of this that may be important to address is on the chance that you are occasionally asking for more driving favors than friends feel comfortable with (by no means a certainty). You could always ask those friends something like, "I really want to do something to help balance out the fact that you drive so often. I'd love if you let me help pay for gas more often [or, I'd love to give you these cookies for all the driving you did last month, or whatever]"
The other stuff is to work out in therapy, meditation, self-inquiry, and gentle, self love. Driving won't make you feel like a better person, and not driving is perfectly OK.
posted by latkes at 9:30 AM on June 1 [2 favorites]
Driving has gotten increasingly dangerous over the past 20 years. Various reasons. More cars on the road, texting, etc. It sounds like you have many hurdles in front of you. Freezing while driving is unacceptable. Plus you would still have to pass the road test,possibly multiple times. It took me two times. In my opinion I wouldn't feel bad about this. Some folk just should not drive. And accidents are very costly too
posted by Czjewel at 9:47 AM on June 1 [3 favorites]
posted by Czjewel at 9:47 AM on June 1 [3 favorites]
I am reluctant driver and I drive very occasionally. Before the pandemic I mainly walked and took public transit. But during the pandemic I started biking more. I've found that because I am biking so much and having to be aware of everything on the road around me, when I do need to drive I feel much more comfortable. Is it possible to try biking? I feel much less anxious biking because I'm not operating a heavy machine and I'm not going as fast.
posted by ice-cream forever at 10:04 AM on June 1 [7 favorites]
posted by ice-cream forever at 10:04 AM on June 1 [7 favorites]
Maybe take a break and do some driving gaming…maybe something a little more realistic than MarioKart but those do really train you have eye coordination and you can crash as many times as you need to
posted by genmonster at 10:13 AM on June 1 [2 favorites]
posted by genmonster at 10:13 AM on June 1 [2 favorites]
Oh man. I sympathize with this. I stopped driving practice as a teen for very similar reasons — I was bad enough at it that I felt it was not fair to other people for me to be on the road. As an adult it slowly dawned on me that I probably have a mild invisible disability that contributed to this, just like you’re suspecting of yourself. I especially empathize with your feelings about how this affects your caregiving. In fact I never really felt like this was a big obstacle before I had a school-aged child, but it is now, and I carry a lot of shame about it too.
I agree with those above who’ve suggested piling the energy you’re spending on trying to “fix” this difference directly into accommodations instead. For instance I think it would be very normal to move your dad to a place closer to where you are and I’m curious why it’s on hold, and wonder if freeing up some of the driving lessons money would help. I also agree with another commenter above that you may wish to consider cycling, depending on the infrastructure near you. I did not learn this skill as a child, and learning it as an adult helped me understand more about my brain and what it looks like to develop automaticity in a new motor skill. It’s definitely expanded my effective radius when it comes to activities outside the home. I haven’t yet attempted to bridge the gap between that and driving. I’ve thought about it, though. I admire you for taking the plunge and trying.
posted by eirias at 10:47 AM on June 1 [1 favorite]
I agree with those above who’ve suggested piling the energy you’re spending on trying to “fix” this difference directly into accommodations instead. For instance I think it would be very normal to move your dad to a place closer to where you are and I’m curious why it’s on hold, and wonder if freeing up some of the driving lessons money would help. I also agree with another commenter above that you may wish to consider cycling, depending on the infrastructure near you. I did not learn this skill as a child, and learning it as an adult helped me understand more about my brain and what it looks like to develop automaticity in a new motor skill. It’s definitely expanded my effective radius when it comes to activities outside the home. I haven’t yet attempted to bridge the gap between that and driving. I’ve thought about it, though. I admire you for taking the plunge and trying.
posted by eirias at 10:47 AM on June 1 [1 favorite]
I ultimately decided I was not going to run a car for reasons similar to what you describe. I did actually battle through and get my licence but never drove since the day of my test, more than ten years ago. I have some concerns about my potential to be safe on the roads. I confessed to a friend my decision, in part in the context that I might sometimes need to ask for a lift from my friendship group. She said “speaking as a road user I thank you for not endangering us” and this made an enormous difference to how I felt about it.
I live in a big city and use public transport day to day, but I also mentally budget what I might have spent running a car and have no qualms about spending this on Ubers and taxis. I suspect I spend considerably less on Ubers and taxis than it would cost to run a car. I use them for all kinds of trips and also getting stuff transported to places. I don’t like relying on others for lifts but accept that sometimes this is really the best way.
I can see how accessing your Dad is a practical challenge and would consider posting a separate Ask about that. MeFites are skilled at collective creative problem-solving.
I totally hear your on the guilt and shame, as well as the sense most people can do this yet it is beyond some of us, but that is the hand we are dealt alas. I feel I am as inept on a bike on the roads as I am behind the wheel of a car but cycling may be an option for you to consider.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 10:49 AM on June 1 [6 favorites]
I live in a big city and use public transport day to day, but I also mentally budget what I might have spent running a car and have no qualms about spending this on Ubers and taxis. I suspect I spend considerably less on Ubers and taxis than it would cost to run a car. I use them for all kinds of trips and also getting stuff transported to places. I don’t like relying on others for lifts but accept that sometimes this is really the best way.
I can see how accessing your Dad is a practical challenge and would consider posting a separate Ask about that. MeFites are skilled at collective creative problem-solving.
I totally hear your on the guilt and shame, as well as the sense most people can do this yet it is beyond some of us, but that is the hand we are dealt alas. I feel I am as inept on a bike on the roads as I am behind the wheel of a car but cycling may be an option for you to consider.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 10:49 AM on June 1 [6 favorites]
My very close friend should not be driving; both their coordination and their eyesight are poor. I wish they would stop. I join Erinaceus in echoing their friend:
“speaking as a road user I thank you for not endangering us”
posted by anadem at 11:02 AM on June 1 [3 favorites]
“speaking as a road user I thank you for not endangering us”
posted by anadem at 11:02 AM on June 1 [3 favorites]
I just want to chime in as someone who was, in fact, born totally blind.
I can empathize with possible feelings of dependence on other people in this case because, obviously, I have never driven myself. It's taken me a bit to realize that there are people who don't, for various reasons. I was always raised with the idea that it was sort of a thing one learned to do as a teenager, a rite of passage, in which I would not be able to partake.
That being said, I would not want someone who has as much trouble with the process as you seem to on the road. At the same time I feel a deep sense of frustration that sometimes a place is built for people who can drive, with scant consideration for those who can't. I'm very sorry.
posted by Alensin at 12:04 PM on June 1 [3 favorites]
I can empathize with possible feelings of dependence on other people in this case because, obviously, I have never driven myself. It's taken me a bit to realize that there are people who don't, for various reasons. I was always raised with the idea that it was sort of a thing one learned to do as a teenager, a rite of passage, in which I would not be able to partake.
That being said, I would not want someone who has as much trouble with the process as you seem to on the road. At the same time I feel a deep sense of frustration that sometimes a place is built for people who can drive, with scant consideration for those who can't. I'm very sorry.
posted by Alensin at 12:04 PM on June 1 [3 favorites]
I'm a similar age to you and I really dislike driving now more than anytime in my life. I don't know if it's b/c I'm older and wiser or older and crankier or if things on the road really have changed since the pandemic like it feels they have. Which is to say it's ok to not learn how to drive. I love the idea of putting that money towards hiring a driver or some other option that lets you take your father on some excursions.
Also please don't feel any shame or guilt about being uncoordinated! Our child had gross motor skill delays that weren't obvious enough for for a doctor or physical therapist to see but we new something wasn't right and in early elementary had him evaluated by an OT who identified several underlying issues that explained so many ways he struggled and appeared 'uncoordinated'. It also explained some things about my husband, but I'm sure his very attentive parents never recognized that anything was wrong, it was just 'he's not that coordinated' or 'he's not a natural athlete'. All this to say it isn't up to the child to realize they might be helped by an intervention, it's up to the adults but in our generation (I'm a similar age to you) that was a whole lot less common. But you might try to see someone and get an assessment for your own understanding.
posted by snowymorninblues at 12:33 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
Also please don't feel any shame or guilt about being uncoordinated! Our child had gross motor skill delays that weren't obvious enough for for a doctor or physical therapist to see but we new something wasn't right and in early elementary had him evaluated by an OT who identified several underlying issues that explained so many ways he struggled and appeared 'uncoordinated'. It also explained some things about my husband, but I'm sure his very attentive parents never recognized that anything was wrong, it was just 'he's not that coordinated' or 'he's not a natural athlete'. All this to say it isn't up to the child to realize they might be helped by an intervention, it's up to the adults but in our generation (I'm a similar age to you) that was a whole lot less common. But you might try to see someone and get an assessment for your own understanding.
posted by snowymorninblues at 12:33 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
I don’t know if this is helpful for framing, but we live in a rabidly pro-car culture, that takes the perfectly neutral (perhaps, in your case, extremely sensible and positive) choice not to drive, and makes it feel, wrongly, like an aberration or a failure.
I re-learned how to drive a couple of years ago and had some real wobbles at times about whether to continue. I discovered with force just how judgy people are about it, in a super-weird way. I’d chat to colleagues about it, coming at it in a fairly balanced, “Mm, maybe I just don’t really like driving,” way. They would come back at me telling me at length how they’d felt like that once but just forced themselves through it and it was the best thing they ever did, yada yada, but with such judgy undertones. Like, they didn’t even know they were doing it, they just couldn’t comprehend someone choosing not to drive and saw it as a deep personal weakness. It’s not true, it’s just some deep cultural conditioning.
I felt much better when I saw the same people trying to take public transport (which I do without a second thought) and having the skill and fear levels of small children.
Pro-car culture is real, and you don’t have to buy into it - you can make, and love, whatever the right choice is for you.
And I agree with the comment above suggesting that you lean into taxis and hiring drivers. Maybe sit down and really cost out, realistically, how much it’d cost you to become a driver with your own car, and then translate that into a monthly taxi budget and see what you get.
posted by penguin pie at 1:25 PM on June 1 [3 favorites]
I re-learned how to drive a couple of years ago and had some real wobbles at times about whether to continue. I discovered with force just how judgy people are about it, in a super-weird way. I’d chat to colleagues about it, coming at it in a fairly balanced, “Mm, maybe I just don’t really like driving,” way. They would come back at me telling me at length how they’d felt like that once but just forced themselves through it and it was the best thing they ever did, yada yada, but with such judgy undertones. Like, they didn’t even know they were doing it, they just couldn’t comprehend someone choosing not to drive and saw it as a deep personal weakness. It’s not true, it’s just some deep cultural conditioning.
I felt much better when I saw the same people trying to take public transport (which I do without a second thought) and having the skill and fear levels of small children.
Pro-car culture is real, and you don’t have to buy into it - you can make, and love, whatever the right choice is for you.
And I agree with the comment above suggesting that you lean into taxis and hiring drivers. Maybe sit down and really cost out, realistically, how much it’d cost you to become a driver with your own car, and then translate that into a monthly taxi budget and see what you get.
posted by penguin pie at 1:25 PM on June 1 [3 favorites]
I'm not far from your age, and I don't drive. I actually got my license around the normal time, my parents forced me to surrender it because they didn't want to pay to have me on their insurance, and I never again lived in a place where it was an absolute necessity, so I'm sure I'd have to go through some arduous re-training to drive now.
The social model of disability doesn't work for everything, but for driving it absolutely does. Not driving is only a problem for you because you live in a place which has chosen to force people to engage in expensive and inefficient private transportation to meet even basic life needs. This is a stupid choice which is helping to destroy the planet. I feel zero shame about not driving. While this is location-dependent, I'm also completely certain that even with the occasional emergency Uber/Uber to the airport I am saving hundreds of dollars a month by not driving, which instead I lavish on trying to give my rescue dog with his chronic physical and mental problems the best life possible.
Now--I'm with you in not caring for dependency one little bit, but I live in a city where most people don't drive most of the time. This is not your fault, it's your world's, and getting in an accident and maybe seriously hurting or killing someone to feel less dependent is a poor trade, isn't it?
posted by praemunire at 1:55 PM on June 1 [2 favorites]
The social model of disability doesn't work for everything, but for driving it absolutely does. Not driving is only a problem for you because you live in a place which has chosen to force people to engage in expensive and inefficient private transportation to meet even basic life needs. This is a stupid choice which is helping to destroy the planet. I feel zero shame about not driving. While this is location-dependent, I'm also completely certain that even with the occasional emergency Uber/Uber to the airport I am saving hundreds of dollars a month by not driving, which instead I lavish on trying to give my rescue dog with his chronic physical and mental problems the best life possible.
Now--I'm with you in not caring for dependency one little bit, but I live in a city where most people don't drive most of the time. This is not your fault, it's your world's, and getting in an accident and maybe seriously hurting or killing someone to feel less dependent is a poor trade, isn't it?
posted by praemunire at 1:55 PM on June 1 [2 favorites]
Per online searching, rideshares exist in the UK and you can use that instead. A lot of people these days won't bother to learn to drive in the US any more because they no longer HAVE to to get a ride.
It took me a long time to learn how to drive. I was terrified of making a mistake and killing people. For that reason alone, if your body won't cooperate with this, please don't drive. Wanting to drive your dad to excursions isn't worth the guilt of having an accident you caused on your conscience, and if professionals don't think it's a good idea for you to keep trying, they probably have good reason for that. If you legit have a disability, it's not your fault.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:58 PM on June 1
It took me a long time to learn how to drive. I was terrified of making a mistake and killing people. For that reason alone, if your body won't cooperate with this, please don't drive. Wanting to drive your dad to excursions isn't worth the guilt of having an accident you caused on your conscience, and if professionals don't think it's a good idea for you to keep trying, they probably have good reason for that. If you legit have a disability, it's not your fault.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:58 PM on June 1
Average Cost to Run a Car UK 2024. you can get a lot of taxis for the price of a car, and you sound like you might be dangerous on the road, through no fault of your own. I'd support your decision not to drive.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:02 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
posted by Sebmojo at 2:02 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
I think there are more people that do drive that should not than people who want to drive but for whatever reason cannot.
I know your driving instructor has said you are not safe. Do you think or do you recognize not being safe without his comments?
What struck me was the 3k pounds it would take to do lessons for another year. Seems to me that 3k would be better spent on taxis and ride share situations. If it takes you another year or two to get a license, how is your father going to be doing in two years time?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 2:33 PM on June 1 [2 favorites]
I know your driving instructor has said you are not safe. Do you think or do you recognize not being safe without his comments?
What struck me was the 3k pounds it would take to do lessons for another year. Seems to me that 3k would be better spent on taxis and ride share situations. If it takes you another year or two to get a license, how is your father going to be doing in two years time?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 2:33 PM on June 1 [2 favorites]
I had my car written off a few years ago and before getting another one sat down and properly worked out what owning and using one actually cost. It was eye opening to say the least.
Consider doing this with someone who has a car and is familiar with the costs. It may help with feeling that you can throw a bit more money at taxis etc without feeling so guilty.
posted by deadwax at 3:29 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
Consider doing this with someone who has a car and is familiar with the costs. It may help with feeling that you can throw a bit more money at taxis etc without feeling so guilty.
posted by deadwax at 3:29 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
I think the thing you need to do is come to terms with spending a lot of money on taxis. It will probably be cheaper than learning to drive and running a car, it's just that you hand over the money directly.
posted by plonkee at 4:09 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
posted by plonkee at 4:09 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
You've got a lot of good replies but I'd also consider whether you should try another instructor. You've had 14 lessons - assuming that's weekly, three-ish months is way too early to make any big final decisions about driving, especially if the dynamic with your instructor is contributing.
Bit about my driving in the UK - though started late twenties, about 5 years ago. I started with an instructor a friend thought was excellent, but I just didn't gel with - I was nervous / anxious, found myself overwhelmed by trying to keep on top of things but also did not feel calmed by my instructor. I had about 5 months worth of weekly lessons.
I decided to take a break which ended up being 1.5 years. I then found a much calmer instructor who was totally in control and really reassuring. I gradually picked up confidence and about 18 months of regular and intermittent periods of lessons later, I passed.
I've driven a fair bit since then in my dad's car and I think I'm an ok driver.
There is no way I would've felt safe practicing I'm a car after 3 months in.
I don't know how poorly coordinated you are - I thought of myself that way for most of my life - but I would weigh up the possibility that you just need to be more patient, if resources allow.
I would also suggest that going through the hump of finding something physically difficult that then gets easier with practice and patience will help you get more confidence and to believe in your & body's capability to learn. Learning to cycle before learning to drive helped me with this - maybe there's something that could work for you.
I agree 100% with all the other comments about trying to adapt.in an awfully car centric society - if that's the right choice I hope it works for you. I just thought it worth throwing in my experience in case it gives you an idea of how long this kind of thing can take.
posted by lethologues at 4:49 PM on June 1 [4 favorites]
Bit about my driving in the UK - though started late twenties, about 5 years ago. I started with an instructor a friend thought was excellent, but I just didn't gel with - I was nervous / anxious, found myself overwhelmed by trying to keep on top of things but also did not feel calmed by my instructor. I had about 5 months worth of weekly lessons.
I decided to take a break which ended up being 1.5 years. I then found a much calmer instructor who was totally in control and really reassuring. I gradually picked up confidence and about 18 months of regular and intermittent periods of lessons later, I passed.
I've driven a fair bit since then in my dad's car and I think I'm an ok driver.
There is no way I would've felt safe practicing I'm a car after 3 months in.
I don't know how poorly coordinated you are - I thought of myself that way for most of my life - but I would weigh up the possibility that you just need to be more patient, if resources allow.
I would also suggest that going through the hump of finding something physically difficult that then gets easier with practice and patience will help you get more confidence and to believe in your & body's capability to learn. Learning to cycle before learning to drive helped me with this - maybe there's something that could work for you.
I agree 100% with all the other comments about trying to adapt.in an awfully car centric society - if that's the right choice I hope it works for you. I just thought it worth throwing in my experience in case it gives you an idea of how long this kind of thing can take.
posted by lethologues at 4:49 PM on June 1 [4 favorites]
"About 85% of people in their fifties have a licence."
15% of people is a large minority. If you choose to not drive from here, you will have plenty of company.
And what would you say to another person if they told you they don't drive? Would you be as hard on them as you are on yourself right now?
One possible way forward is to think of the £3k that a year of lessons would cost as a transport budget. How many taxi rides/Ubers could you get with that? (The ongoing costs of simply owning a car after the initial outlay of buying one are considerable so maybe that sum could justifiably be even bigger).
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:33 PM on June 1 [2 favorites]
15% of people is a large minority. If you choose to not drive from here, you will have plenty of company.
And what would you say to another person if they told you they don't drive? Would you be as hard on them as you are on yourself right now?
One possible way forward is to think of the £3k that a year of lessons would cost as a transport budget. How many taxi rides/Ubers could you get with that? (The ongoing costs of simply owning a car after the initial outlay of buying one are considerable so maybe that sum could justifiably be even bigger).
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:33 PM on June 1 [2 favorites]
Please know you are not alone. Sure, a lot of people drive and most of them learn before they are old enough to really understand the risks. Others do manage to learn later in life. Some of us, like me, never learned. I’m in my 50s, and the older I get, the less I want to do so. Yes, I’m limited to living in cities with good public transport. Incidentally, my aged parents no longer drive, but made the transition to taxis and other car services, some of which cater to elderly people with special needs (they are in Canada, but perhaps something similar exists in the UK?).
The points mentioned by others on being carless and saving money that can be used for car services are valid. Incidentally, my vision is so terrible now and my peripheral vision is so poor (I can’t wear contacts) that I don’t feel bad about not driving. When people in car-obsessed America ask why I don’t drive, I cheerfully admit I’d be a danger to others and also to a severe lack of hand-eye coordination. In fact, I feel quite smug about my lower carbon footprint and absence of car payment debt! The only thing I have to avoid is taking lifts from friends for granted, which I work hard not to do. Be kind to yourself! There are options for you and your father.
posted by mollymillions at 9:19 PM on June 1 [2 favorites]
The points mentioned by others on being carless and saving money that can be used for car services are valid. Incidentally, my vision is so terrible now and my peripheral vision is so poor (I can’t wear contacts) that I don’t feel bad about not driving. When people in car-obsessed America ask why I don’t drive, I cheerfully admit I’d be a danger to others and also to a severe lack of hand-eye coordination. In fact, I feel quite smug about my lower carbon footprint and absence of car payment debt! The only thing I have to avoid is taking lifts from friends for granted, which I work hard not to do. Be kind to yourself! There are options for you and your father.
posted by mollymillions at 9:19 PM on June 1 [2 favorites]
If you spend any amount of time in neurodivergent spaces, you'll encounter a lot of people who can't drive because of dyspraxia, sensory overwhelm, differences in sense of direction, and differences in processing input under pressure.
I do drive but it was very hard to learn, dealing with all the decisions you have to make all at once, with such high stakes is overwhelming.
I'm not suggesting that you might be neurodivergent necessarily, but just pointing out that a lot of us can't drive because of the way or brains and bodies work and that's just how things are. Nothing to do with nervousness or laziness or whatever else your inner critic is telling you.
posted by Zumbador at 10:23 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
I do drive but it was very hard to learn, dealing with all the decisions you have to make all at once, with such high stakes is overwhelming.
I'm not suggesting that you might be neurodivergent necessarily, but just pointing out that a lot of us can't drive because of the way or brains and bodies work and that's just how things are. Nothing to do with nervousness or laziness or whatever else your inner critic is telling you.
posted by Zumbador at 10:23 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
Some thoughts:
I agree you should stop driving - if you like this teacher and don't think his assessment has malice, then I would be inclined to really trust him as he should have a pretty good sense of who's a safe driver.
In your shoes, I would frame your driving issues as a kind of disability, just like if your eyesight was poor, or you had paralysis that prevented you from steering, etc - and certainly don't blame yourself for it! Whether it's due to sensory overwhelm, panic, dyspraxia, depth perception, situational awareness, motor control, working memory, attention issues, etc etc - just like poor vision, these are all real things, they are not anyone's fault, and most importantly, they are very dangerous on the road!
Just as we'd all hopefully avoid driving if we were drunk and it was affecting our reflexes, or if we'd been to the optometrist and the eye drops were affecting our vision, well - we should also avoid driving if our emotions are affecting our reflexes. They actually teach this in driving school - if you're crying or furious, you're supposed to pull over and calm down. If you're experiencing panic, flooding, or freezing, it's the same thing - strong emotions make it unsafe to drive, period.
I would reframe this sitiation to see yourself as a Very Good Person for not persisting in driving if you have a higher-than-average possibly of causing a very serious crash that could affect many people! I truly wish more senior citizens and substance users would take themselves off the road for the same reason!
So, how to solve the travel concerns? Remind yourself that owning a car is SUPER expensive, and just take taxis and Ubers! Give yourself that 3K lesson budget in unlimited Ubers and taxis, and I bet it will last you a year, maybe 2. Then take the money you'd spend on car purchase, insurance, or rentals, (look it up! It's 'spensive!), gas, getting tickets, and paying for parking, repairs, maintance, and paying for damage. Last year I gently backed into a pole in a parking garage, and even though it was low speed, my bumper disintegrated, and it cost me $1200 to fix! A random unknown stranger knocked my mirror off while I was parked and that was $200. Winter tires are $1000. Putting them on every year is $300. It adds up! Give yourself that money as an Uber budget too.
I own a car and love driving and even still, I take like 4 Ubers a week because it's actually cheaper and more practical when I'm going downtown where parking sucks. Before I owned a car I took Ubers to and from work every day, to the grocery store, to social events. I took at least 10, often 20 Ubers a week! And it was still cheaper than owning my car is!!
So please, let the shame and blame go, and chill out in an Uber, every single day!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:26 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
I agree you should stop driving - if you like this teacher and don't think his assessment has malice, then I would be inclined to really trust him as he should have a pretty good sense of who's a safe driver.
In your shoes, I would frame your driving issues as a kind of disability, just like if your eyesight was poor, or you had paralysis that prevented you from steering, etc - and certainly don't blame yourself for it! Whether it's due to sensory overwhelm, panic, dyspraxia, depth perception, situational awareness, motor control, working memory, attention issues, etc etc - just like poor vision, these are all real things, they are not anyone's fault, and most importantly, they are very dangerous on the road!
Just as we'd all hopefully avoid driving if we were drunk and it was affecting our reflexes, or if we'd been to the optometrist and the eye drops were affecting our vision, well - we should also avoid driving if our emotions are affecting our reflexes. They actually teach this in driving school - if you're crying or furious, you're supposed to pull over and calm down. If you're experiencing panic, flooding, or freezing, it's the same thing - strong emotions make it unsafe to drive, period.
I would reframe this sitiation to see yourself as a Very Good Person for not persisting in driving if you have a higher-than-average possibly of causing a very serious crash that could affect many people! I truly wish more senior citizens and substance users would take themselves off the road for the same reason!
So, how to solve the travel concerns? Remind yourself that owning a car is SUPER expensive, and just take taxis and Ubers! Give yourself that 3K lesson budget in unlimited Ubers and taxis, and I bet it will last you a year, maybe 2. Then take the money you'd spend on car purchase, insurance, or rentals, (look it up! It's 'spensive!), gas, getting tickets, and paying for parking, repairs, maintance, and paying for damage. Last year I gently backed into a pole in a parking garage, and even though it was low speed, my bumper disintegrated, and it cost me $1200 to fix! A random unknown stranger knocked my mirror off while I was parked and that was $200. Winter tires are $1000. Putting them on every year is $300. It adds up! Give yourself that money as an Uber budget too.
I own a car and love driving and even still, I take like 4 Ubers a week because it's actually cheaper and more practical when I'm going downtown where parking sucks. Before I owned a car I took Ubers to and from work every day, to the grocery store, to social events. I took at least 10, often 20 Ubers a week! And it was still cheaper than owning my car is!!
So please, let the shame and blame go, and chill out in an Uber, every single day!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:26 PM on June 1 [1 favorite]
I’m a non driving over 50 year old in the UK.
The way I deal with it is by thinking about the average cost of running a car in the UK (around £4k currently) and thinking of that as £75 a week. I then take off my commute to work costs (£25 a week by train) and allow myself a £50 a week taxi budget. I use this for big Tesco’s and leisure - and have seldom gone over £200 / month on taxis.
Driving is overrated!
posted by Gilgongo at 12:40 AM on June 2 [1 favorite]
The way I deal with it is by thinking about the average cost of running a car in the UK (around £4k currently) and thinking of that as £75 a week. I then take off my commute to work costs (£25 a week by train) and allow myself a £50 a week taxi budget. I use this for big Tesco’s and leisure - and have seldom gone over £200 / month on taxis.
Driving is overrated!
posted by Gilgongo at 12:40 AM on June 2 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you, your answers are all very thoughtful and kind. I will sit with them for a while.
posted by paduasoy at 12:44 AM on June 2 [5 favorites]
posted by paduasoy at 12:44 AM on June 2 [5 favorites]
I spent 22 years learning, 10 tests and 15k to pass.
I had no choice because of my work. It was all excruciatingly painful but the expectation and shamiing drove me on., just. I had some very scary experiences.. a group of builders turn on me with my tiny baby when i froze,
A nut try and get me out of a car when i cut him up a bit on a crazy city street.
I ve been through some very hard shit but driving was up there.
You likely feel shit because of everyone elses attitude.. instructor doesn't soubd the most supportive? Some are better others.
For some reason it appears to be fair game to shame and make a joke out of other people's driving struggles. I don't understand this at all. Every "joke" killed a bit of me.
I eventually realised I have adhd.
You are not alone perhaps more non drivers also need to be more vocal about this? But not an eady thing.
In hindsight it was not a good use of my time and money and i rarely drive.
I have just applied for a job whrre they make reasonable adjustments for folk who can't due yo disability. This is the first time i ve EVER seen this. Lets hope things are changing.
posted by tanktop at 12:24 AM on June 5 [1 favorite]
I had no choice because of my work. It was all excruciatingly painful but the expectation and shamiing drove me on., just. I had some very scary experiences.. a group of builders turn on me with my tiny baby when i froze,
A nut try and get me out of a car when i cut him up a bit on a crazy city street.
I ve been through some very hard shit but driving was up there.
You likely feel shit because of everyone elses attitude.. instructor doesn't soubd the most supportive? Some are better others.
For some reason it appears to be fair game to shame and make a joke out of other people's driving struggles. I don't understand this at all. Every "joke" killed a bit of me.
I eventually realised I have adhd.
You are not alone perhaps more non drivers also need to be more vocal about this? But not an eady thing.
In hindsight it was not a good use of my time and money and i rarely drive.
I have just applied for a job whrre they make reasonable adjustments for folk who can't due yo disability. This is the first time i ve EVER seen this. Lets hope things are changing.
posted by tanktop at 12:24 AM on June 5 [1 favorite]
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It's unusual but not unheard of - one of my dear friends doesn't drive, tried to learn in her 30s and just could not quite get to the point of being safe and has (at least for now, probably for good) stopped trying. She lives with it, and it's fine. It's not a reflection on her, it's just... something she doesn't do.
I suppose you could talk to your doctor about treatments for dyspraxia - I don't know of any but I've never looked into it. That might be worth at least a few minutes of research for general reasons, not just driving reasons. But if you can't drive safely, you can't drive ethically, and that's the end of it, in my opinion.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:38 AM on June 1 [12 favorites]