Tips for introvert children successfully leading a parent’s memorial

April 21, 2024 3:48 PM

Our mother passed away and we are putting together a casual memorial in a local arboretum. We want it to be as successful (people sharing memories) as possible, but we children are all introverts and feel like we don't know how best to do/encourage that. Help.

Our mother passed away last winter. We put off having a memorial until Spring so that we could have it outside. We are planning a very casual memorial in a local arboretum (our mother loved trees).

My siblings are I are all pretty introverted; my sister (the eldest) the least so, but she also may be the most emotional during the memorial, so I don't want her to have to lead and feel she has to choke down her tears.

We grew up agnostic, so we don't have much experience with (or frankly, interest in) churchy funerals.

We have invited my mother’s elderly friends and a couple lovely people who worked with her at her retirement home.

Other than each of us getting up and saying/reading something we want to say about our mother, I am a little at loose ends about the best way to encourage the others to share their remembrances of our mother.

Like, we can say

"If anyone would like to share a memory or funny story about our mother, please do so...",

but my worst fear is that that will be met with no one saying anything
(out of either nerves, or them feeling put on the spot and they can't just quickly think of one).

I hope to be able to put together a slideshow of photos and a few video clips, which I guess I would play after my siblings and I spoke. (maybe that would give people some time/inspiration to think of something they might want to say?)

I'm rambling, but basically I guess my question is this:

• If you have been to a funeral/memorial where there were good/great "ice-breaker" things that helped people share their memories, what were they?

Other than a blank guest book for people to write in (which I feel might be limiting because only one person could do it at a time, and might feel rushed), I was thinking we could maybe put some blank watercolor-paper cards on each table with some pens, and if people wanted to write a memory on it, they could, and then have a box/basket where people could leave them (or we also have some pre-addressed envelopes if people want to write something at home and drop it in the mail).

Or—and this may be too weird—we could ask questions as prompts for them to either directly answer on the cards, or just to inspire thoughts/memories about time spent with our mother; something like

"Did you ever have what you thought at the time might be a disaster, but then you and our mother fell into fits of laughter at the situation?" (Mom always found the humor in the absurd),

"Did you have a favorite song you like to sing with our mother (or hear her sing)?" (Mom also loved singing),

"When you think of our mom, is there a specific moment like a photo that comes to mind—like 'us having just successfully moved into our new office, covered in dust, and rewarding ourselves by going to get ice cream at Baskin Robbins'?"

Some of the attendees were part of our multi-family Friendsgiving, so I could ask something about a funny memory from those events...

And I guess I will try to tell a few short little stories and remembrances in my "speech", and maybe that might prime the pump for others...?

So, again, any ways/techniques/things-we-can-hand-out-or-have-on-each-table to encourage sharing, be it vocal or written.

Also, if you have an idea of a basic itinerary/schedule such as

"12:00 noon - greet people as they arrive"
12:15 - children's speeches
12:30 - encouraging others to share
1pm - slide show and ice cream"

that would be helpful (and might include things we hadn't even thought of)

Thank you

posted by blueberry to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Why not tell people in the invitation? "We'd love it if you could spend a couple of minutes sharing a memory of your time together."
posted by yarntheory at 3:59 PM on April 21 [10 favorites]

My recommendation is to specifically ask 2-3 of her friends to prepare something short to say (tell them 5 minutes). If you and your siblings are too shy or introverted to speak, maybe prepare your remarks in writing and ask someone to read them. (This is a good task for a partner or another family member like a cousin or something.) After people have spoken, you can open the mic to remarks but do be aware that sometimes unprepared remarks can be rambly and may fail to land. I’m sure it will all be lovely, I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sure your family and friends will help to make it meaningful.
posted by vunder at 4:13 PM on April 21 [8 favorites]

Combine the above two. Seed two or three prepared non-family speakers (I'm sure I would be honored if someone asked me to be one!), but also make it clear in the invitation that you want this to be a time for people to share good memories of your mother together.

If the venue permits (this would be standard at a funeral home but might be tricky at an arboretum), put up pictures which may help prompt memories or reflections that guests can look at as they arrive. E.g., if you have a picture of your mom and Guests A and B playing on their bowling team.
posted by praemunire at 5:03 PM on April 21

At times like these, people are always saying "let me know if I can do anything," but in the absence of a concrete request, they just dissolve into the woodwork. I think the above examples are great, in that (1) letting attendees know you're eager to have them share their stories might spur some good responses, and (2) asking three (talkative? good friends? best storytellers?) people who very likely would say "let me know if I can do anything" know that there is something! "Come with one or two stories to share" might grease the skids enough that other people share too. If not, 2-3 peoples' worth of reflections is a nice service, and memorable, and will spur little groups to share their stories over ice cream. I'm sorry for your loss but it sounds like you'll have a lovely time.

(on preview I'm too slow, and faster people than me have given great advice above)
posted by adekllny at 5:10 PM on April 21 [1 favorite]

I went to a memorial service run by a "life changes" celebrant or some sort of title, like a non-denominational officiant for weddings and funerals. If you don't feel up for it, or know someone with a similar skill set, you could potentially hire someone to do it. Their whole purpose is to run these things so the family doesn't have to put themselves through it.
posted by fiercekitten at 6:21 PM on April 21 [5 favorites]

I would strongly, strongly recommend you do not have an open mic. You have no idea what someone will say, and most of people who do talk, won't do a very good job of it.

Identify people in advance who you want to speak, find out if they are willing to do so, and then create an agenda for the session so everyone knows who is speaking when.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 6:25 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]

For your schedule - I think it's fine.

But as you asked, typically when I've been at a funeral (or organizing one) the arrival period has been longer, closer to half an hour. If that's the case, it gives people a bit longer to sign books/cards and also get their thoughts together if they wish to speak.

In my experience as well, the open mic remarks are common. And sometimes they don't land, but that's fine - it's about the community coming together, not about the production value. I do know families who have chosen not to for Reasons, though, and that's fine too.

This may be by design, but your schedule doesn't have a lot of ritual in it. An opening and closing poem or reading might make those used to a more formal approach feel comforted, but again - it really is up to you.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope the day brings more about feeling the connection of your mother's community coming together, and less about feeling whether it's 'right' or not. It will be right, because it's the space to honour and remember your mother. That's really all it's about.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:33 PM on April 21 [3 favorites]

I want to add to remember, you are the bereaved. You do not have to do this perfectly or be super extroverted.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:45 PM on April 21 [8 favorites]

You don’t have to (though you can) be the emcee for the day. Pass that off on someone else. Prepare what you’d like to share and have a friend read it for you. Print it out and let people read comments. Basically, it will already be a more difficult day, don’t add to it unnecessarily
posted by raccoon409 at 7:55 PM on April 21

One thing that I think worked really well at a couple of memorials I've been to was besides the speakers, having photo displays and guestbooks. That way people could stand around and reminisce about what was going on in the photos, and could express themselves in writing if they wanted.
posted by LadyOscar at 9:34 PM on April 21

Having run a number of public ritual spaces, two ideas:

1) Consider having some pre-printed notes with a prompt ("what made you laugh with our mother/name", kinds of things - I'd say maybe 3-5 to choose from, assume people won't all answer all of them). Give people time to fill them out during the mingling phase, have someone go through them (to group like replies together and remove any that would be upsetting or inappropriate) and then have someone read them out as part of the gathering.

It might start up some conversations once you're through the all together part.

2) You absolutely do not need to be the people to make the extroversion go. Two classic ways to handle this are a) identify a suitable extrovert, give them guidelines, and let them engage with people. This could be keeping the gathering moving from point to point, or it could be encouraging responses.

The other common method is having a couple of people for each "response" like activity who agree to say something early on. These can be cousins, friends, people who knew your mother well, whatever. You let them know what you're going to be asking (a favourite memory, etc.) in advance so they can think about it before they're on the spot. Once you get through the first few people you've got prepared, then you can go from there if others want to share.

The key is a) someone is saying something in response (so you don't have silence) and b) those people are giving a model (subtle, but powerful, often!) of about how long to take, how personal to be, etc. You can reinforce that in the general instructions ("we want to make sure people have a chance to share, so please keep it brief right now, a few sentences, we'll have more time to share memories once we've moved onto the mingling and refreshments") but having models really helps. If you know people who are comfortable with any kind of improv conversation (including tabletop gaming, comedy, theatre, performance) or who are teachers or any other kind of public speaker, consider asking them to help with this.

And nthing that you don't have to do this perfectly, or do things that you're not up for to make it a meaningful experience for others.
posted by jenettsilver at 1:54 PM on April 22

If you can spend a little money,I would definitely find someone who can run a nice secular service for you. That way you can be free to have whatever emotions you need to have. I’m an introvert and I’d prefer advance planning over email or phone so the officiant can say “caviar will now tell a story …” instead of me emceeing.

If you search for “secular memorial service “ and call a couple of places you can get a vibe.
posted by caviar2d2 at 2:58 PM on April 22