Another messy mental health/relationship question
April 20, 2024 10:44 PM Subscribe
Sourcing the hive mind for a way out of this mess that I've made for myself. In summary - I've been in a situationship for 6 years now. Meaning sex (though rarely these days due to antidepressants and general lack of attraction on my end), cuddles, picking each other up from the airport, hanging out almost every day, and saying I love you. At times I've deluded myself into thinking this is a partnership despite the lack of labels, but last week I identified myself as his partner when speaking with him and he said "no, not really". This is not what I envisioned for my life - it's humiliating to not be chosen as his girlfriend. It’s humiliating to not have met his parents. And I’ve hidden it from my family this entire time - if anything, they think we were good friends that dated briefly. I very much want to get married or at least have a long term committed relationship. I also feel uncomfortable and unhappy around him a lot of the time.
In a rare moment of bravery, I tried to break up with him a few months ago. We both cried, and I left feeling absolutely devastated and empty. Worse than I remember feeling in my entire life. Being alone is my worst fear. I texted one of the few friends I have, from work, and didn’t get much support - basically, it was too much to dump on someone that I am only casually friends with. I have one other friend that I hang out with on occasion. Other than that, I am pretty much alone. I do have great coworkers, great people that I volunteer with, a great roommate, and other various great acquaintances, as well as the support of a very kind therapist. She has not given me much advice besides reminding me of the reasons I expressed not being happy with this situation, but I can’t get myself to take the leap again. I got back together with him within 24 hours after crying hysterically at work and feeling deeply suicidal. Basically I have no support network outside of him. Our relationship is a flawed way of getting my needs met. What he is getting out of it I’m not sure of.
I have very few friends left from high school or after. I tend to burn bridges, sometimes unconsciously. I am very negative, anxious, and avoidant. If someone expresses interest in being friends, I find a way to push them away or convince myself that I’m not deserving of their friendship. I also think very badly of myself. I feel ashamed of who I am. If I think about my life too hard, I feel humiliated about what other people must think of me. I also feel like a bad and selfish person. I dislike the way I interact with people- it is always awkward, and I tend to fawn and play dumb to avoid conflict. I haven’t developed much of an identity because I am always inside staring at my computer or my phone. My relationship with him has also gotten in the way of forming other relationships - both because it takes up a lot of time, and also because it’s an easy way to fulfill my need for socializing without meeting new people or challenging myself.
Anyway, I’m reaching out in hope that someone has experienced something like this or can give me a starting point. Stories about the ending of bad relationships leading to better ones would be deeply appreciated. So far the best ideas I have are trying to build more hobbies and interests that get me out of the house. I also want to try more low stakes socializing - volunteer work, clubs and classes, and doing pottery at a studio near my house. I am medicated and meeting with a psychiatrist again in a few weeks to reevaluate my meds.
In a rare moment of bravery, I tried to break up with him a few months ago. We both cried, and I left feeling absolutely devastated and empty. Worse than I remember feeling in my entire life. Being alone is my worst fear. I texted one of the few friends I have, from work, and didn’t get much support - basically, it was too much to dump on someone that I am only casually friends with. I have one other friend that I hang out with on occasion. Other than that, I am pretty much alone. I do have great coworkers, great people that I volunteer with, a great roommate, and other various great acquaintances, as well as the support of a very kind therapist. She has not given me much advice besides reminding me of the reasons I expressed not being happy with this situation, but I can’t get myself to take the leap again. I got back together with him within 24 hours after crying hysterically at work and feeling deeply suicidal. Basically I have no support network outside of him. Our relationship is a flawed way of getting my needs met. What he is getting out of it I’m not sure of.
I have very few friends left from high school or after. I tend to burn bridges, sometimes unconsciously. I am very negative, anxious, and avoidant. If someone expresses interest in being friends, I find a way to push them away or convince myself that I’m not deserving of their friendship. I also think very badly of myself. I feel ashamed of who I am. If I think about my life too hard, I feel humiliated about what other people must think of me. I also feel like a bad and selfish person. I dislike the way I interact with people- it is always awkward, and I tend to fawn and play dumb to avoid conflict. I haven’t developed much of an identity because I am always inside staring at my computer or my phone. My relationship with him has also gotten in the way of forming other relationships - both because it takes up a lot of time, and also because it’s an easy way to fulfill my need for socializing without meeting new people or challenging myself.
Anyway, I’m reaching out in hope that someone has experienced something like this or can give me a starting point. Stories about the ending of bad relationships leading to better ones would be deeply appreciated. So far the best ideas I have are trying to build more hobbies and interests that get me out of the house. I also want to try more low stakes socializing - volunteer work, clubs and classes, and doing pottery at a studio near my house. I am medicated and meeting with a psychiatrist again in a few weeks to reevaluate my meds.
Does it help at all to think of ending a relationship, not as a single act like flicking a switch, but as a process, like recovering from an addiction? Where there are many interlocking problems and challenges you'll have to deal with?
You have started the process. The fact that you went back to him doesn't negate the fact that you've started the process of ending the relationship.
Look at what happened, and learn from it. You know yourself better now. When you take the next step, how will you do it differently? What's more likely to succeed?
You're wrenching yourself into a entirely different life. Your body, brain, and heart are going to take a little while to adjust.
Watch that negative self talk, and replace it with realistic self talk. Change "when x happens I'll fall apart" to "if x happens, it will totally suck but I will cope, I will survive. "
Don't try to force a different internal narrative, don't argue with yourself. Note the negative thought, challenge it in an unjudgemental way, and move on.
Just because you can't imagine how things could possibly work out OK, doesn't mean you're going to be stuck like this. This will be a memory you look back on one day, it will be over, you'll have figured it out.
posted by Zumbador at 12:49 AM on April 21 [20 favorites]
You have started the process. The fact that you went back to him doesn't negate the fact that you've started the process of ending the relationship.
Look at what happened, and learn from it. You know yourself better now. When you take the next step, how will you do it differently? What's more likely to succeed?
You're wrenching yourself into a entirely different life. Your body, brain, and heart are going to take a little while to adjust.
Watch that negative self talk, and replace it with realistic self talk. Change "when x happens I'll fall apart" to "if x happens, it will totally suck but I will cope, I will survive. "
Don't try to force a different internal narrative, don't argue with yourself. Note the negative thought, challenge it in an unjudgemental way, and move on.
Just because you can't imagine how things could possibly work out OK, doesn't mean you're going to be stuck like this. This will be a memory you look back on one day, it will be over, you'll have figured it out.
posted by Zumbador at 12:49 AM on April 21 [20 favorites]
last week I identified myself as his partner when speaking with him and he said "no, not really".
What an absolute jerk, please don't be ashamed of this. This sounds like a him thing and not a you thing. I have been in a bad relationship before and stayed way too long. When I really admitted to myself how unhappy it was making me, I finally ended it. I found a new partner who could not be a better fit for me and I would have missed that opportunity if I'd still been with the guy who wasn't. I love Zumbador's framing of this as a process you've already started, that's so true.
As far as how I got to the point of leaving my own bad relationship, morals played a big part. I see this throughout your question too. You seem unhappy with how you spend your time and how you interact with others. I like your ideas at the end for how to get your actions more in line with your ideals. To come up with more of them, I think it could be useful to get in touch with what your values are. So much of the time, our own values get mixed up in what society tells us we should value and it just turns into this depressing mass of what you "should" be feeling or doing. Here's an article similar to the one that helped me start thinking more about my own values. Once you have those, it will be more obvious if a habit is helpful or hindering your ideal life.
Of course, depression can also lie and tell you that nothing you do is good enough, so I'm glad you have support with that. Passing on this website I found through MetaFilter that has helped me when I've been extremely down and didn't have the energy to try and figure out how to help myself: you feel like shit
posted by Eyelash at 2:24 AM on April 21 [7 favorites]
What an absolute jerk, please don't be ashamed of this. This sounds like a him thing and not a you thing. I have been in a bad relationship before and stayed way too long. When I really admitted to myself how unhappy it was making me, I finally ended it. I found a new partner who could not be a better fit for me and I would have missed that opportunity if I'd still been with the guy who wasn't. I love Zumbador's framing of this as a process you've already started, that's so true.
As far as how I got to the point of leaving my own bad relationship, morals played a big part. I see this throughout your question too. You seem unhappy with how you spend your time and how you interact with others. I like your ideas at the end for how to get your actions more in line with your ideals. To come up with more of them, I think it could be useful to get in touch with what your values are. So much of the time, our own values get mixed up in what society tells us we should value and it just turns into this depressing mass of what you "should" be feeling or doing. Here's an article similar to the one that helped me start thinking more about my own values. Once you have those, it will be more obvious if a habit is helpful or hindering your ideal life.
Of course, depression can also lie and tell you that nothing you do is good enough, so I'm glad you have support with that. Passing on this website I found through MetaFilter that has helped me when I've been extremely down and didn't have the energy to try and figure out how to help myself: you feel like shit
posted by Eyelash at 2:24 AM on April 21 [7 favorites]
I think you're on the right track with getting out of the house more, expanding kn your hobbies and your network. It sounds like you've built strong relationships with coworkers, roommate, and acquaintances- maybe you can ask one of those people to do something low-stakes or casual and see if it develops into something closer. The more your life feels fulfilled and the less lonely you feel, the better supported you will be if you leave this relationship.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I've been in a very similar situation and I know how incredibly painful it is. You don't feel worthy of love, or some part of you doesn't, and every day you're in this relationship reaffirms that notion. And yet, I know how painful and lonely it feels to leave, in the beginning. But I think you're going to get through to the other side and be happier. I think you've already started that proceaa.
posted by bearette at 5:03 AM on April 21 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I've been in a very similar situation and I know how incredibly painful it is. You don't feel worthy of love, or some part of you doesn't, and every day you're in this relationship reaffirms that notion. And yet, I know how painful and lonely it feels to leave, in the beginning. But I think you're going to get through to the other side and be happier. I think you've already started that proceaa.
posted by bearette at 5:03 AM on April 21 [1 favorite]
I also think very badly of myself. I feel ashamed of who I am. If I think about my life too hard, I feel humiliated about what other people must think of me. I also feel like a bad and selfish person.
This is the thing in your post, even more than the situationship, that sounds really, really hard.
You say your therapist is very kind - but have they been effective at working on this shame with you? Have you talked about it with them? It might be time to do some therapist shopping - a therapist can be very kind but also not great at figuring out a way to help you move forward.
posted by Jeanne at 5:19 AM on April 21 [21 favorites]
This is the thing in your post, even more than the situationship, that sounds really, really hard.
You say your therapist is very kind - but have they been effective at working on this shame with you? Have you talked about it with them? It might be time to do some therapist shopping - a therapist can be very kind but also not great at figuring out a way to help you move forward.
posted by Jeanne at 5:19 AM on April 21 [21 favorites]
Being alone is my worst fear.
What if you spent 5 minutes a day thinking about what a life alone would look like? If it makes you afraid, breathe through it, and then think of what you would do anyway. What if you thought about all the things you would have energy for if you weren’t dealing with this relationship and your own fear? Where would you travel to? What would you save up your money for? What classes would you take or hobbies would you start?
Read stories and narratives about women getting fine on their own two feet.
Fear is a feeling. It can be absolutely flooding. But you can, for example, go for a dash of a run and spend that fear, run until you can’t breathe and then start walking and still be totally alive and okay. You can go out to a park and cry with it, and then still see all the tulips.
If fear is holding you back, confront it.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:22 AM on April 21 [13 favorites]
What if you spent 5 minutes a day thinking about what a life alone would look like? If it makes you afraid, breathe through it, and then think of what you would do anyway. What if you thought about all the things you would have energy for if you weren’t dealing with this relationship and your own fear? Where would you travel to? What would you save up your money for? What classes would you take or hobbies would you start?
Read stories and narratives about women getting fine on their own two feet.
Fear is a feeling. It can be absolutely flooding. But you can, for example, go for a dash of a run and spend that fear, run until you can’t breathe and then start walking and still be totally alive and okay. You can go out to a park and cry with it, and then still see all the tulips.
If fear is holding you back, confront it.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:22 AM on April 21 [13 favorites]
Could you plan a short trip without him to clear your head? Either alone or with a friend (does not need to be a close friend, just someone chill enough to spend a weekend with no pressure)?
Also, to comment on the "no, not really" talk - that was a pretty chilling thing to say. Personally, a few times when someone said something that chilling to me, it was almost like a gift - whenever I was tempted to go back to an unhealthy situation (relationship-wise or work-wise) I remembered what they said and bam! - it gave me the resolve to nope out.
Also, breaking up is hard and sometimes takes more than one try. But it seems like you are clear in your head about this situation not being healthy for you and that is a huge step.
Please hang in there, and good luck.
posted by M. at 5:56 AM on April 21 [12 favorites]
Also, to comment on the "no, not really" talk - that was a pretty chilling thing to say. Personally, a few times when someone said something that chilling to me, it was almost like a gift - whenever I was tempted to go back to an unhealthy situation (relationship-wise or work-wise) I remembered what they said and bam! - it gave me the resolve to nope out.
Also, breaking up is hard and sometimes takes more than one try. But it seems like you are clear in your head about this situation not being healthy for you and that is a huge step.
Please hang in there, and good luck.
posted by M. at 5:56 AM on April 21 [12 favorites]
Your ideas for getting out, socializing, building skills and getting happier doing things without him sound like Really Good ideas! I think that while your brain wants to tell you that you can't do this, you've already got a good sense about how to go about it.
A lot of us (especially one metafilter, heh) are awkward, struggling more or less with mental health issues, and muddling along pretty well. I did one of those terrible break up/be "friends" relationships in my 20s and it was Terrible for my mental health. But getting away from it and trying a bunch of things (including pottery classes!) helped me get to the point where I could work (in therapy and out) on being in healthy relationships. Life if So much better on the other side! Definitely talk with your meds person about needing to tweak things if your last attempt to break up led to suicidal ideation. And talk with your therapist about your concrete ideas for change and what you can do to make them happen.
Also, it's easy for me to say now, but don't worry about the personality thing. I agonized about that in my 20s, too, and reality is that I'm still a people pleaser in too many ways, but when I started paying attention to things I care about (nature, hobbies) I didn't care so much about my own personality, I could just be me. You're enough!
One last idea: if the idea of "breaking up" is too hard right now, you could instead just work on getting stronger on your own without making any grand statements or officially breaking things off. Like sometimes you can be busy going to pottery or volunteering without breaking up. (On the other hand, if your gut felt bad reading that, like you'd really rather break up, and move on, as hard as that sounds? Listen to your gut! Feeling better is So Great!). Good luck, we know you can do it!
posted by ldthomps at 6:32 AM on April 21 [4 favorites]
A lot of us (especially one metafilter, heh) are awkward, struggling more or less with mental health issues, and muddling along pretty well. I did one of those terrible break up/be "friends" relationships in my 20s and it was Terrible for my mental health. But getting away from it and trying a bunch of things (including pottery classes!) helped me get to the point where I could work (in therapy and out) on being in healthy relationships. Life if So much better on the other side! Definitely talk with your meds person about needing to tweak things if your last attempt to break up led to suicidal ideation. And talk with your therapist about your concrete ideas for change and what you can do to make them happen.
Also, it's easy for me to say now, but don't worry about the personality thing. I agonized about that in my 20s, too, and reality is that I'm still a people pleaser in too many ways, but when I started paying attention to things I care about (nature, hobbies) I didn't care so much about my own personality, I could just be me. You're enough!
One last idea: if the idea of "breaking up" is too hard right now, you could instead just work on getting stronger on your own without making any grand statements or officially breaking things off. Like sometimes you can be busy going to pottery or volunteering without breaking up. (On the other hand, if your gut felt bad reading that, like you'd really rather break up, and move on, as hard as that sounds? Listen to your gut! Feeling better is So Great!). Good luck, we know you can do it!
posted by ldthomps at 6:32 AM on April 21 [4 favorites]
This man is stealing your time and it’s time to reclaim it. You mention you are not sure what he’s getting out of this situation, but it seems pretty clear that he’s getting all the benefits of a relationship with no need to do his part of the relationship work of providing commitment and caring for your feelings.
If you want a relationship and potentially marriage, this man is never going to give it to you and he will use up your time for years until you don’t have time left to build a relationship with others. Plus he thinks you’ll keep coming back because he knows you feel lonely. It’s exploitative.
I’m going to give you the advice that I would give and have given my closest friends. Go cold turkey. Get the rest of your life ready to roll. Look up fun things to do and places to visit and hobbies you’re interested in. Then when that is all set, text him “This isn’t working” and then block him on literally everything. Delete his number from your phone, block him on social media, filter his emails to go straight to trash, tell all your common friends that you’re not together, and then don’t respond to any attempts of his to reach out. Then listen to Taylor Swift’s song about never ever getting back together on repeat and allow yourself to get mad at his sorry a$$ for monopolizing your time in a way that prevented you from building a real supporting community.
Then finally, take yourself out to dinner and get to work. Get your hair done, get your nails done, get some exercise, and then busy yourself with all those activities you had planned. You got this. Treasure yourself in a way this jerk doesn’t know how to.
posted by donut_princess at 7:57 AM on April 21 [10 favorites]
If you want a relationship and potentially marriage, this man is never going to give it to you and he will use up your time for years until you don’t have time left to build a relationship with others. Plus he thinks you’ll keep coming back because he knows you feel lonely. It’s exploitative.
I’m going to give you the advice that I would give and have given my closest friends. Go cold turkey. Get the rest of your life ready to roll. Look up fun things to do and places to visit and hobbies you’re interested in. Then when that is all set, text him “This isn’t working” and then block him on literally everything. Delete his number from your phone, block him on social media, filter his emails to go straight to trash, tell all your common friends that you’re not together, and then don’t respond to any attempts of his to reach out. Then listen to Taylor Swift’s song about never ever getting back together on repeat and allow yourself to get mad at his sorry a$$ for monopolizing your time in a way that prevented you from building a real supporting community.
Then finally, take yourself out to dinner and get to work. Get your hair done, get your nails done, get some exercise, and then busy yourself with all those activities you had planned. You got this. Treasure yourself in a way this jerk doesn’t know how to.
posted by donut_princess at 7:57 AM on April 21 [10 favorites]
Also fwiw when I finally got up the will to do the above for my own terrible situationship, it freed me up to eventually meet the love of my life. A better partner is out there, and to meet them, you need to get rid of this leech.
posted by donut_princess at 8:04 AM on April 21 [6 favorites]
posted by donut_princess at 8:04 AM on April 21 [6 favorites]
it is profoundly understandable that since you fear being alone, you choose an imbalanced, humiliating relationship with an unsatisfying man over no relationship with nobody - you feel like something is better than nothing. as long as you believe in your heart that something is better than nothing it is going to be hard to believe people who say that being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel bad. it is better, but they mean it feels better, too. and things that are better for you do not always feel like it.
but: you want to be both happy and not alone, and you will have to cross over a period of being alone before you can ever get to being with someone in the way you want. because nobody meaningfully better than this guy is going to let himself get attached to you while you are still attached to him. you can’t even look around for options until you free yourself, it won’t work.
being unhappily stuck to him while fearing temporary solitude is like being the little girl in the old joke who keeps walking around and around the same block, finally explaining that she is running away from home but she’s not allowed to cross the street.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:35 AM on April 21 [13 favorites]
but: you want to be both happy and not alone, and you will have to cross over a period of being alone before you can ever get to being with someone in the way you want. because nobody meaningfully better than this guy is going to let himself get attached to you while you are still attached to him. you can’t even look around for options until you free yourself, it won’t work.
being unhappily stuck to him while fearing temporary solitude is like being the little girl in the old joke who keeps walking around and around the same block, finally explaining that she is running away from home but she’s not allowed to cross the street.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:35 AM on April 21 [13 favorites]
What an absolute jerk, please don't be ashamed of this. This sounds like a him thing and not a you thing.
After six years, there's no way he doesn't know how you feel and doesn't know he doesn't return those feelings--but he's nonetheless been happy to enjoy all the benefits of the relationship, while salving his conscience/enjoying a spot of sadism with the occasional "not really." What an total turdblow.
You can take care of yourself on your own so much better than he can, friend, and--while I know depression and self-loathing are tough to beat, they will be less tough to beat without the person supposedly closest to you acting like he's ashamed to have that known! That would eat away at the confidence and self-worth of anyone!
posted by praemunire at 9:38 AM on April 21 [9 favorites]
After six years, there's no way he doesn't know how you feel and doesn't know he doesn't return those feelings--but he's nonetheless been happy to enjoy all the benefits of the relationship, while salving his conscience/enjoying a spot of sadism with the occasional "not really." What an total turdblow.
You can take care of yourself on your own so much better than he can, friend, and--while I know depression and self-loathing are tough to beat, they will be less tough to beat without the person supposedly closest to you acting like he's ashamed to have that known! That would eat away at the confidence and self-worth of anyone!
posted by praemunire at 9:38 AM on April 21 [9 favorites]
You're alone now, this person isn't your partner and doesn't want to be. You know what you need to do, but do you recognize that it will feel bad for a bit, and it will feel like a change, but that's not something that's wrong or should be avoided?
If someone came on here and said "I'm unhappy with my body, and I'd like to increase my fitness, and I'm willing to lift half pound weights for hours but I've been avoiding anything heavier because I'm afraid of muscle soreness" what would you say? You'd tell them to stop using the small weights, start with the 10 pounders, and go from there. They don't need to be in constant pain but there will be some soreness, especially at first, but it will get better. They don't really know all the good moves right now but they can start with some simple arm curls and learn the complicated stuff as they go. And then they'll be strong and meeting their goals and wonder why they spent all that time in the gym lifting tiny weights instead of doing what they meant to do.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 9:42 AM on April 21 [2 favorites]
If someone came on here and said "I'm unhappy with my body, and I'd like to increase my fitness, and I'm willing to lift half pound weights for hours but I've been avoiding anything heavier because I'm afraid of muscle soreness" what would you say? You'd tell them to stop using the small weights, start with the 10 pounders, and go from there. They don't need to be in constant pain but there will be some soreness, especially at first, but it will get better. They don't really know all the good moves right now but they can start with some simple arm curls and learn the complicated stuff as they go. And then they'll be strong and meeting their goals and wonder why they spent all that time in the gym lifting tiny weights instead of doing what they meant to do.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 9:42 AM on April 21 [2 favorites]
Staying with him is a guarantee you’ll be alone. Making a clean break from him is giving yourself a fighting chance to have a partner.
I feel like whichever you choose, the pain and loneliness is already happening, so you might as well choose the one that gives you a chance at the life you want.
What a devastating thing he said to you! The worst has already happened—he’s told you you don’t have a partner. Yes, breaking up with him will be very painful all at once, but then it will get better. Staying with him doles out the pain over every moment of your life with no chance of relief. It also gives this person who does not care for you an enormous amount of control over your life and happiness. Please don’t leave your destiny in the hands of someone so careless.
I ended something with someone who was basically my entire social life and sense of self-worth and yes, it was difficult and took several attempts. And no, I didn’t wake up the next day with a million new friends and the perfect partner. But it forced me to forge my own way and get to a place of acceptance of myself and I don’t regret it for a second.
If you don’t have a pet I can’t recommend one enough. They are such good companions during tough times. A dog will get you out of the house. A cat will literally lie on your heart and soothe you with purrs. Both are good listeners.
posted by kapers at 9:50 AM on April 21 [12 favorites]
I feel like whichever you choose, the pain and loneliness is already happening, so you might as well choose the one that gives you a chance at the life you want.
What a devastating thing he said to you! The worst has already happened—he’s told you you don’t have a partner. Yes, breaking up with him will be very painful all at once, but then it will get better. Staying with him doles out the pain over every moment of your life with no chance of relief. It also gives this person who does not care for you an enormous amount of control over your life and happiness. Please don’t leave your destiny in the hands of someone so careless.
I ended something with someone who was basically my entire social life and sense of self-worth and yes, it was difficult and took several attempts. And no, I didn’t wake up the next day with a million new friends and the perfect partner. But it forced me to forge my own way and get to a place of acceptance of myself and I don’t regret it for a second.
If you don’t have a pet I can’t recommend one enough. They are such good companions during tough times. A dog will get you out of the house. A cat will literally lie on your heart and soothe you with purrs. Both are good listeners.
posted by kapers at 9:50 AM on April 21 [12 favorites]
The entire paragraph that begins with "I have very few friends left..." is heartbreaking to read. If you're assessing yourself accurately, it paints a portrait of a very lonely and painful life; if you're not, it speaks to a fearsome hostility and capacity for attacking yourself. Likely the truth is some blend of the two, which: it's heartbreaking.
But in reading that paragraph, and the rest of your ask, I see how you yourself already know that this situationship quandary is only an expression of much more pervasive and long-standing difficulties you have in relating to others and--more importantly--to yourself.
So I won't offer anything on how to deal with the situationship quandary itself; there's a lot of good advice and suggestions that others have offered above. Rather, I'll offer just a specific, concrete suggestion on something to address the underlying difficulties: speak with your therapist about finding and joining an interpersonal process group.
This suggestion is based on the way you describe your difficulties as inhering in how you relate to yourself and others. A process group would much more directly touch on these difficulties and give you the space to work on them, live, in a way that is much harder to do through individual therapy alone. This is not a suggestion to immediately join such a group, and definitely not one to do it in lieu of individual therapy (it's usually recommended to have an individual therapist if one joins a process group). But this may be something worth exploring with your therapist (FYI it'll be important to use the specific term "process group," as there are many kinds/formats of group therapy).
Feel free to MeMail me if you have any questions. Wishing you the best.
posted by obliterati at 12:44 PM on April 21 [4 favorites]
But in reading that paragraph, and the rest of your ask, I see how you yourself already know that this situationship quandary is only an expression of much more pervasive and long-standing difficulties you have in relating to others and--more importantly--to yourself.
So I won't offer anything on how to deal with the situationship quandary itself; there's a lot of good advice and suggestions that others have offered above. Rather, I'll offer just a specific, concrete suggestion on something to address the underlying difficulties: speak with your therapist about finding and joining an interpersonal process group.
This suggestion is based on the way you describe your difficulties as inhering in how you relate to yourself and others. A process group would much more directly touch on these difficulties and give you the space to work on them, live, in a way that is much harder to do through individual therapy alone. This is not a suggestion to immediately join such a group, and definitely not one to do it in lieu of individual therapy (it's usually recommended to have an individual therapist if one joins a process group). But this may be something worth exploring with your therapist (FYI it'll be important to use the specific term "process group," as there are many kinds/formats of group therapy).
Feel free to MeMail me if you have any questions. Wishing you the best.
posted by obliterati at 12:44 PM on April 21 [4 favorites]
Oh, many (((hugs))).
One thing that stood out to me: he may have cried when you broke up with him, but he's perfectly ok with you being absolutely miserable with how things currently are.
That's because HE is getting what he wants out of the situation, whatever that is.
Generally, people who act like they're in a full time relationship (as you're describing it with the extensive time you're together) but aren't willing to call it what it is are those who want to keep their options open in case something better comes along they wish to pursue.
You'll be so much happier when you're able to move beyond him.
Cool thing is, you don't have to "break up" with someone you're not in a relationship with. You just start making other choices about how to spend your time; where to go, who to talk to, etc. If he questions how you're "drifting apart", it's perfectly ok to say with a shrug, well, we weren't in a relationship anyway...
posted by stormyteal at 3:34 PM on April 21 [11 favorites]
One thing that stood out to me: he may have cried when you broke up with him, but he's perfectly ok with you being absolutely miserable with how things currently are.
That's because HE is getting what he wants out of the situation, whatever that is.
Generally, people who act like they're in a full time relationship (as you're describing it with the extensive time you're together) but aren't willing to call it what it is are those who want to keep their options open in case something better comes along they wish to pursue.
You'll be so much happier when you're able to move beyond him.
Cool thing is, you don't have to "break up" with someone you're not in a relationship with. You just start making other choices about how to spend your time; where to go, who to talk to, etc. If he questions how you're "drifting apart", it's perfectly ok to say with a shrug, well, we weren't in a relationship anyway...
posted by stormyteal at 3:34 PM on April 21 [11 favorites]
It takes an average of seven attempts to leave a bad relationship. There are lots of people who manage one the first or second attempt, and so it really is almost logarithmic if you don’t have the tools etc to do it the first time. Like a boss fight where you have no health restored at the recovery point and the boss is just as strong each time.
You’re not failing. It’s really hard. Took me years and years. Thinking of it in steps and stages helps. First you cut down on time, then you separate finances, then you stop answering calls, then you look for an apartment etc. In the movies, it’s one big fight and you cry over ice cream and then bounce off to a new better life. Reality is this’ll take about 6-18 months and then you’ll wake up and feel relieved and happy you don’t have to see him.
Make that happen in 2025, not 2026. Baby steps you can do this!
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:13 PM on April 21 [4 favorites]
You’re not failing. It’s really hard. Took me years and years. Thinking of it in steps and stages helps. First you cut down on time, then you separate finances, then you stop answering calls, then you look for an apartment etc. In the movies, it’s one big fight and you cry over ice cream and then bounce off to a new better life. Reality is this’ll take about 6-18 months and then you’ll wake up and feel relieved and happy you don’t have to see him.
Make that happen in 2025, not 2026. Baby steps you can do this!
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:13 PM on April 21 [4 favorites]
... identified myself as his partner when speaking with him and he said "no, not really"
The fact that he does not view you as his partner and that he's comfortable with telling other people he's not your partner tells me that you're already alone, apart from having a housemate. You don't need to 'break up' because that's already happened.
Read the advice above from stormyteal and dorothyisunderwood carefully. Then read it again. If nothing else, taking positive steps to move on means you won't be as blindsided when he inevitably comes across someone 'better' and walks away without a care in the world.
posted by dg at 7:00 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]
The fact that he does not view you as his partner and that he's comfortable with telling other people he's not your partner tells me that you're already alone, apart from having a housemate. You don't need to 'break up' because that's already happened.
Read the advice above from stormyteal and dorothyisunderwood carefully. Then read it again. If nothing else, taking positive steps to move on means you won't be as blindsided when he inevitably comes across someone 'better' and walks away without a care in the world.
posted by dg at 7:00 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]
Ask Polly has a lot of great advice about being alone, like this column, but also honestly many of her others because she got questions like this a lot:
https://www.thecut.com/2019/10/ask-polly-how-do-you-learn-to-be-happy-alone.html
I think - once you make a clean break with this man, as you must at this point - your priority should shift as completely as you’re able to making as many different types of friends you possibly can. I get it that making friends is difficult, it’s something I also am currently working on and it can sometimes be excruciating to put yourself out there with a platonic relationship in a way that romantic or sexual ones aren’t. I think your goal should be to find a handful of people you regularly go get coffee with and chat about life and work and dating when you start doing that, be introduced to new ideas and new perspectives - friends are very important! Agree with others that if your therapist isn’t helping you address the shame, fear of being alone or working on these goals then it may be time to get a new therapist and go in with a list of goals you want them to help you achieve.
posted by chives at 12:28 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]
https://www.thecut.com/2019/10/ask-polly-how-do-you-learn-to-be-happy-alone.html
I think - once you make a clean break with this man, as you must at this point - your priority should shift as completely as you’re able to making as many different types of friends you possibly can. I get it that making friends is difficult, it’s something I also am currently working on and it can sometimes be excruciating to put yourself out there with a platonic relationship in a way that romantic or sexual ones aren’t. I think your goal should be to find a handful of people you regularly go get coffee with and chat about life and work and dating when you start doing that, be introduced to new ideas and new perspectives - friends are very important! Agree with others that if your therapist isn’t helping you address the shame, fear of being alone or working on these goals then it may be time to get a new therapist and go in with a list of goals you want them to help you achieve.
posted by chives at 12:28 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]
>Being alone is my worst fear.
And yet:
>I also feel uncomfortable and unhappy around him a lot of the time.
And also:
>I am pretty much alone.
But this is really the core of it:
>I feel ashamed of who I am. If I think about my life too hard, I feel humiliated about what other people must think of me. I also feel like a bad and selfish person.
This is not about your relationship with him, this is about your relationship with yourself. You say your therapist is kind, which is great, but have you talked about how you feel ashamed with her? This is really where you need to start. When and where did you learn to feel shame? What kinds of messages did your caregivers give you about yourself growing up? Why do you feel and think these things?
>I tend to fawn and play dumb to avoid conflict.
Fawning and avoidance can be a trauma response, so if your therapist is not trauma-informed, I encourage you to find one that is.
chives mentioned Ask Polly and I also recommend reading her substack. Previously she wrote for The Cut and The Awl so you can find her free stuff there. She writes a lot about shame and her writing is incredible. If you can't afford a subscription, you can email her and I think she'll give you a free sub for a limited time (don't quote me on this). https://www.ask-polly.com/ her last two articles are free and it's about the stories you tell yourself and how you can crush those and make new stories. I think that's so timely for you.
Honestly, I think you have a lot going for yourself already but shame will tell you all sorts of lies about yourself. This sounds woo, but have a conversation with it. Out loud, by writing, thinking in a forest, whatever. What is shame telling you? Ask it why it's telling you these things. What does it want and why? How are you a bad and selfish person? What do you think people re thinking about you and why do you think that?
Things you have going for yourself: you're really honest and a great writer. You know this relationship isn't right for you and have begun the breakup process, even if you went back to him.
You have a therapist and psychiatrist. Great roommate (those seem so rare!), great co-workers, great people you volunteer with, great acquaintances. That's a lot of great in your life! You already have ideas about getting out of the house to socialize. It's clear you have a lot of capacity to love, and you want to be loved... It's the shame that gets in the way and has gotten you into this completely unfulfilling relationship where you don't feel comfortable with him (because I'm guessing that's what you're used to, based on maybe your relationship with your caregivers - sorry for armchair psychologizing).
>I haven’t developed much of an identity because I am always inside staring at my computer or my phone.
In addition to getting outside and socializing, I recommend keeping a notebook where you get to know yourself. Write things about yourself. "E.g. My favourite food is ___ because I love __ about it." If the shame comes up, again, talk to it. This might not be easy to do, to write about yourself. Start small about the things that you notice about yourself. Even the smallest, most mundane things, like, "I'm really good about brushing my teeth every night." This is how you can develop an identity about yourself - by noticing the things about yourself and loving those things.
In terms of talking to people, I just watched this earlier, don't know if it will help: https://youtu.be/Cl_bNkVzdQg?si=RyBTK2Q8dFsp5cFL
posted by foxjacket at 8:57 AM on April 27
And yet:
>I also feel uncomfortable and unhappy around him a lot of the time.
And also:
>I am pretty much alone.
But this is really the core of it:
>I feel ashamed of who I am. If I think about my life too hard, I feel humiliated about what other people must think of me. I also feel like a bad and selfish person.
This is not about your relationship with him, this is about your relationship with yourself. You say your therapist is kind, which is great, but have you talked about how you feel ashamed with her? This is really where you need to start. When and where did you learn to feel shame? What kinds of messages did your caregivers give you about yourself growing up? Why do you feel and think these things?
>I tend to fawn and play dumb to avoid conflict.
Fawning and avoidance can be a trauma response, so if your therapist is not trauma-informed, I encourage you to find one that is.
chives mentioned Ask Polly and I also recommend reading her substack. Previously she wrote for The Cut and The Awl so you can find her free stuff there. She writes a lot about shame and her writing is incredible. If you can't afford a subscription, you can email her and I think she'll give you a free sub for a limited time (don't quote me on this). https://www.ask-polly.com/ her last two articles are free and it's about the stories you tell yourself and how you can crush those and make new stories. I think that's so timely for you.
Honestly, I think you have a lot going for yourself already but shame will tell you all sorts of lies about yourself. This sounds woo, but have a conversation with it. Out loud, by writing, thinking in a forest, whatever. What is shame telling you? Ask it why it's telling you these things. What does it want and why? How are you a bad and selfish person? What do you think people re thinking about you and why do you think that?
Things you have going for yourself: you're really honest and a great writer. You know this relationship isn't right for you and have begun the breakup process, even if you went back to him.
You have a therapist and psychiatrist. Great roommate (those seem so rare!), great co-workers, great people you volunteer with, great acquaintances. That's a lot of great in your life! You already have ideas about getting out of the house to socialize. It's clear you have a lot of capacity to love, and you want to be loved... It's the shame that gets in the way and has gotten you into this completely unfulfilling relationship where you don't feel comfortable with him (because I'm guessing that's what you're used to, based on maybe your relationship with your caregivers - sorry for armchair psychologizing).
>I haven’t developed much of an identity because I am always inside staring at my computer or my phone.
In addition to getting outside and socializing, I recommend keeping a notebook where you get to know yourself. Write things about yourself. "E.g. My favourite food is ___ because I love __ about it." If the shame comes up, again, talk to it. This might not be easy to do, to write about yourself. Start small about the things that you notice about yourself. Even the smallest, most mundane things, like, "I'm really good about brushing my teeth every night." This is how you can develop an identity about yourself - by noticing the things about yourself and loving those things.
In terms of talking to people, I just watched this earlier, don't know if it will help: https://youtu.be/Cl_bNkVzdQg?si=RyBTK2Q8dFsp5cFL
posted by foxjacket at 8:57 AM on April 27
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I was in terrible relationships. One about 5 years, a few months into it, I almost left. And I should have. They begged me to stay together. I was miserable and afraid but I stayed. For many of the same reasons you mention. Lessons learned.
My courage came from knowing each second I wasted my time was precious time I could be happy. Life is short and we don't know how much time we have. Look around at your life and ask yourself, is this how I want to live? If not, get rid of what doesn't serve you and find out what does. Learn about yourself and be the kind of person that you want to be.
Don't be the reason you are holding yourself back. Choose to be happy, to be lovely, to be filled with joy, love and light. Find the love within yourself. If your garden of self-love is an arid wasteland, you gotta till that soul and water it. Stop settling for crumbs of affection and give yourself that love and attention. You deserve the happiness you allow yourself to feel. Decide what that means for you. You sound like you're in a lot of pain.
You can walk away from this. You can be happy. You do not need to live like this. You get to choose what your life is like.
posted by VyanSelei at 12:37 AM on April 21 [36 favorites]