We're downsizing...or are we?

March 28, 2024 6:38 AM

We're looking to downsize to a smaller, less expensive house. My wife, theoretically in agreement with this idea, is balking at making offers or counter offers. We've been at this for two months so far, and I'm losing hope. Advice welcome.

I'm 63, still working (at a startup), and providing most of the income for my wife and I. My wife is 66 and retired. I would like to retire and, given the state of tech employment these days, I may "get" to retire via RIF (the startup isn't doing great). Looking at our expenses and the size of our current home, it makes sense to me to downsize to a smaller and less expensive house. We have pre-approval for a loan for a new house and plan to buy the new house, move, put our house on the market, apply the proceeds to the new house, and re-amortize the loan. My wife, in principal, agrees with this plan. However, when it comes to actually making an offer on a house, she balks.

We've been looking since February 1. In our area, houses are getting multiple offers and going off the market within a week. We have made one offer on a house during this time, despite visiting 5+ houses a week either via open house or with our realtor. The sellers of the house we made the offer on counter-offered. At that point, my wife got incredibly offended and wanted nothing to do with the deal. This week, we visited another house. She liked it and we left the house with our realtor ready to make an offer. The next day, when it came time to sign, she balked again and yelled at me for putting pressure on her.

I'm giving up hope here. Any advice?

posted by elmay to Human Relations (27 answers total)

it makes sense to me to downsize to a smaller and less expensive house

I am wondering a number of things, including: how was the decision to move made? Does she have a history of outwardly agreeing to things she doesn't really want to keep the peace? How does she do with big changes generally? How long have you been in your current home, and what memories/life experiences are tied to it? You stand to gain financially from a move; what might you or she lose from it? Have the two of you talked about what downsizing 'means' on an emotional level (for instance, could there be some resistance tied to feelings about this next phase of getting older)?

It's also just hard to have to make a huge decision about the next number of years of your life without any time to really think about it. You are right about the realities of the housing market right now, but she is right that it sucks and is difficult to have to choose and act under pressure. Right now I'm not hearing that you have any insight into why she is acting and reacting in the ways she is. Houses are an emotional thing for many people, and you'd do well to validate that and engage her on that level.
posted by wormtales at 6:55 AM on March 28 [21 favorites]

Would you consider asking your wife to talk this out with a counselor/therapist? Ideally with you, but maybe in her own first? There are some complex feelings that get dredged up in times like this, and she may or may not be aware of them but working on this situation with a kind, trained professional can be a real help. You might be able to make some movement on this after just one or two 50 minute sessions. It might open up a good line of discussion between the two of you that will persist beyond just the house selling and buying.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:56 AM on March 28 [2 favorites]

Two months is not that long to choose a house...maybe she is just waiting for the right one? Moving after living in the same house for a long time is quite the upheaval and could be emotional. I'd say give her time to process whatever she is going through and don't force her to rush a big life decision.
posted by winterportage at 6:57 AM on March 28 [20 favorites]

I see that you are describing her actions but not the motivation for her actions, which I would hope that she would share with you. It's time for a good talk right now before you see any more houses about what's going on and why she's feeling and reacting the way she is.

I agree with the therapy idea in general, but the key issue I see right now is that you can't even tell us what her reasons might be, as if you haven't enquired or she hasn't felt like she can share. That lack of communication is more of an issue than downsizing a house.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:11 AM on March 28 [10 favorites]

> [she] yelled at me for putting pressure on her.

Well, stop pressuring her.

Listen. She's telling you very clearly that she feels pressured into this while downsizing scheme by you. You have heard her say it. You wrote it down here for us to read. What about this is confusing for you?

You know exactly how she feels. The only question is what you are doing to do with this knowledge.

Will you play dumb? Will you pretend it doesn't matter what she thinks or feels, because she technically said yes when you pressured her and that counts as consent and she's not allowed to back off and you insist on holding her to "her word"?

Or will you be, like, a human being who treats her like a fellow human being, not being a bully who insists on getting your own way, accepting that this decision needs two enthusiastic yesses in order to proceed and if you don't have hers then it's a no? Are you willing to listen to her, have a mutual discussion, a respectful hearing of both parties' concerns, a negotiation without pressure??
posted by MiraK at 7:12 AM on March 28 [38 favorites]

How much work has she done over the years to make your current house a home? There are tons of hidden tasks and skills in this that go unnoticed by one’s partner. Could the prospect of doing all that stuff again be part of what’s overwhelming her?

I’m not just talking about figuring out the best way to function in a new kitchen, although that can be absolutely huge if you are the primary cook of a household, but also a million other things. Fitting furniture bought for a previous place into a smaller one. Organizing closets. Choosing the right window dressings for the different light in the new place according to room usage. Changing the height of bathroom hardware so it fits the people using it and isn’t at “contractor special” height. Changing the lightbulbs to be a warmer temperature. Figuring out how to store seasonal stuff in a new garage or attic or basement. Learning what will make the breakers flip and adjusting tasks accordingly. Where to store the vacuum so you actually use it and don’t give up because it’s not conveniently nearby. Finding nearby places for visiting family who would have previously stayed in a guest room. I could continue this list forever, down to the tiniest granularity.

It’s all stuff that people do a little bit at a time as they go through life phases, if they are in the same home for them. I’m sure you have contributed to them as well. And then suddenly you have to start completely all over again, and you are the primary breadwinner so basically all of it will be up to her, and she is older than she used to be, and and and and… This doesn’t even cover the whole emotional component that it sounds like is there.

I think you need to approach her at a time when you are both calm, and in a place where she does not feel trapped (do not do this in public, or in bed at night) and ask her to tell you how she is feeling. It will be hard to convince her that you genuinely want to understand and you asking is not an attempt to manipulate her into making the choice you want her to. If she brings up some of the things I talk about above, she might be reassured by you thanking her for having done them in the past.

She may also not be fully clear on the financial benefit of downsizing. Apparently my aunt convinced my uncle to move to a little condo by implying that with the money saved, he could travel to Peru, or so the story goes. Did she simply nod and agree when you brought up the idea, or was she involved in doing the budget?
posted by Mizu at 7:18 AM on March 28 [21 favorites]

Have you made a plan with her about how to handle all the work associated with the move? In addition to it being hard to give up a space you're used to, it is exhausting to even think about getting rid of a lot of stuff, packing, hiring movers, unpacking, figuring out how to set stuff up, etc.

If that's a barrier you could spend the next six months working with her on clearing out your current home so the downsizing part of it is basically finished, and then start looking.
posted by metasarah at 7:25 AM on March 28 [5 favorites]

Are you still in the Portland area? If so, how long have you owned your home?

Here's where I'm going with this:

Moving sucks at the best of times and house-hunting is always emotional and fraught.

This time, you're downsizing to save money. So you're going house-hunting for *less* and for *worse*. That's not going to make most people happy. If that happens to me, it will be a shitty thing to endure that really sucks but oh well sometimes ya gotta eat a shit sandwich to not die. If you're in Portland and have owned for a while, I expect that the places you're looking at that would actually save you money are either substantially smaller or substantially worse or both.

The way she's acting makes it seem to me that to her even if she was okay with it in principle, the actual menu of choices available puts this move well into a shitty thing to endure that really sucks.

The other thing is... look, I don't know you from Adam's housecat and don't know the first thing about you or your wife. But have you talked directly or indirectly about where the savings would go towards? That trip she's always wanted to take? Frequent flights across the country to visit family? Or -- again, I have no idea here -- have you been talking about the money you'll save on the house while conspicuously reading _Expensive Model Trains Monthly_?

Either way, clearly she is not actually on board with the reality of this move, and y'all need to figure that out.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:26 AM on March 28 [12 favorites]

Just ask her. If she feels pressured, there is a decent chance either it's going faster than she wants to go, or she feels you are making the decisions without her input. If you have been in your current home for a long time, nostalgia may play a role, too.

It could be she feels overwhelmed by the process of moving. If you're downsizing, how much thought have you (individually, and together) given to what all you have to get rid of? Are you going to give items to family members? Are they close enough to pick stuff up, or do you need to ship box after box? That's a lot of work.

Work with her, find out how she wants to go about it, and really listen to her. Sure it may go slower than you were hoping, but in the end, so what if it does? Getting it done (eventually) and both being happy and involved seems far more important than being done before an arbitrary deadline.
posted by Meldanthral at 7:28 AM on March 28 [2 favorites]

Financially, how urgent is this really? Like, if you were RIF'ed tomorrow, would there be a critical pinch point when the next mortgage payment is due, or is this more of a "we should solve this for the long-term" thing but where you in reality have a solid buffer?

In other words, is there genuine pressure (aside from the very reasonable anxiety/uncertainty that you must be feeling) to solve this ASAP, or could it become a slower process with more talking, more looking around, and then making a move (with both people in mutual support) in six months or a year? Because if you can slow this process down, it sounds like that would help alleviate things with your spouse.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:43 AM on March 28 [7 favorites]

That's really not a long time to be house hunting, if you're not in dire need. Are you in a dire, urgent need to move ASAP? If so, then yes, you may need to sit down and really talk about the numbers and the timeline and the need to pick something less-than-great and just move on it. But if this pressure is just coming from you because you want this done, then why not listen to what your wife is telling you and slow down and just keep looking until you find something you both feel good about making an offer on?
posted by Stacey at 7:51 AM on March 28 [5 favorites]

This is also just not a great time to sell a house in the US. Interest rates are high, but likely to drop in the coming year. The national association of realtors just settled a lawsuit that will likely lead to lower agent fees. Traditionally, most houses enter the market in April-May, so you’ll have more choice. Unless your finances are more dire than you’re letting on, you’re not losing anything by waiting. Are there things you can do now to prep for sale (small repairs, declutter)? That might be a way to feel like you’re making progress without pressuring your wife.
posted by momus_window at 7:56 AM on March 28 [6 favorites]

It took me two years to buy a house the first time, I didn’t put an offer on any until 8 months into looking. The second time, with more experience and looking with a partner it only took 6 months. I also saw a lot of places that I liked when I walked through, but after sleeping on it decided I didn’t want to make an offer. This drove my partner up the wall, but in the end they are really happy with where we ended up and will, out of the blue, comment on how glad they are that we didn’t end up in some of the other places.

I think it’s a little premature to lose hope, this isn’t a fast process and it’s worth waiting for the right house. That doesn’t mean this isn’t frustrating when you’re ready and have to wait though!
posted by lepus at 8:02 AM on March 28 [5 favorites]

Yeah we looked at over 100 houses over 3 years and out in offers on 2 before succeeding with the third. Two months is not a lot. I mean sure in a hot market you need to be ready to jump at the right thing, but you also need to be really sure ANY time you buy a house that it’s the right thing; it’s not JUST your largest asset it’s also the place where you will literally be spending most of your time for years. It’s a big decision. I’m not shocked anyone is reluctant to jump after two months of looking.
I will say that by the end of our time looking I had seen so many houses that I knew exactly what I wanted and didn’t want to the extent that when I was touring with an agent and had 6 houses on the list I’d walk into one that was wrong and say ‘this sucks, let’s leave’ because i knew it wasn’t right and I wasn’t in the mood to waste time. When both of you have that kind of knowledge then you will be able to choose correctly and move swiftly.

You seem pretty antsy. My advice: get used to spending your weekends (and mid-week if possible) at open houses and see everything on the market. And then put the rest of that energy towards the rest of the immense amount of work that a move, especially a downsizing move, requires. Have you already gotten rid of half of your stuff? No? Then work on that. Half of you clothing, especially everything you don’t wear any more. Half of everything in the crawl space. The exercise machine you haven’t used in a while. But you can’t just dump it you need to donate it or find a sporting goods consignment store. Get rid of half of your books! The three extra laptops you have sitting around from the last ten years! But don’t forget to wipe and encrypt the hard drives first and you have to take them to the special electronics recycling place. And now that I mention it you probably have a load of broken portable batteries, Bluetooth headsets, whatever that can’t go in the trash or recycling - those need to go to the quarterly hazardous waste collection event. I bet you have a big drawer full of cords. Get rid of most of them. You may have a box of papers and textbooks from college. It’s time to look through that again. You probably have twenty years of tax and accounting records boxed into a closet - go through those and shred everything except the most recent seven years.

This type of thing is an immense amount of bullshit work and I would bet $20 that you are NOT ready to move. So get ready to do it instead of trying to do it.
posted by bq at 8:29 AM on March 28 [27 favorites]

Time to engage a 3rd party. Make an appointment with a financial planner and have them tell you what the $ value of downsizing will be.

Also perhaps airbnb a downsized house for a weekend.

Consider if you are retired you are going to be spending a lot of time at home and what you downsize to matters. If I could afford it I'd definitely want individual offices and bathrooms so we d be out of each other's hair. It depends on what you have now versus what you are aiming for.
posted by jello at 8:57 AM on March 28 [3 favorites]

This is sort of me and my husband, except we are looking for a slightly larger house as we are at a different life phase (currently have two small kids). My problem is that I already love my current house, so in order to want to move and go through the effort and CONSIDERABLE expense, I want to move somewhere noticeably better. My husband and I have been looking for about 4 months. My timeline is to find something between about now and mid-2025; my husband would have been happy to move 4 months ago. We’re trying our best to just accommodate each others frustrations by knowing that we do, ultimately, want the same end result: a home that works for our family.
posted by samthemander at 9:22 AM on March 28 [2 favorites]

You're planning to retire. That implies you'll be spending a lot more time at home. That implies that you will be doing things at the home. The things that you do will need significantly more space, and supplies (which also need space). You'll also be eating at home more, which probably implies either you taking up more space and time in the kitchen, or your wife spending more time and thought in and on the kitchen.

You'll also be reducing the time your wife will have alone to focus on getting things done and just keeping her mind calm. This is relevant, especially if she's an introvert. You're also probably not a 100% perfect person, so you might have some habits or practices that she ignores because they're not important, but if you're at home all the time they'll become more prominent to her; having space to be away from each other is important for this.

One way to handle this reduced space is for her to maximize efficiency to reduce stress. She's worked out countless methods to do this that are predicated on being where you currently live: errand routes refined over years that match the frequency and types of things you need; parks and friends to visit without driving; neighbors who will help out with a ride to the airport or the loan of a dehumidifier or garden tools.

Another is to enjoy what you yourself hope to enjoy: the fruits of decades of hard work. Hers happen to be attached to your living space. You may not recognize their value, but it's immense and affects everything.

Much of the value _you've_ been able to provide at work has come from the strength, calm, health, and joy that a truly good home provides. You don't see the lack of it in your coworkers, but you do notice that they're a bit more grumpy or judgmental or tired or mistake-prone. You probably assume that's just the kind of people they are. Maybe look up the fundamental attributional error.

I'm not saying you're wrong to downsize, but I am saying that it's extremely likely that she's been working just as hard as you have, and that you are asking for more here than you realize. I'm also saying that you may not know what you truly need in a home going forward (kudos if you already did), and that you'll lose more than you know even if your next home were to be a mansion in a walkable Eden.
posted by amtho at 9:30 AM on March 28 [17 favorites]

You surely can see what we can plainly see in your question. Your wife doesn't want to move house. It's not clear whether she doesn't want to move at all or just not at this pace. The only advice is to find out why that is from her.

What's the problem you're really trying to solve here? I think it's that you want to be able to retire as well, and sooner rather than later, and with comfortable finances. Whatever your goal, perhaps you need to spend some more time exploring how you can reach it. That should include more than just downsizing, even if you think you had already agreed to that.
posted by plonkee at 9:42 AM on March 28 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for the kind and constructive feedback.
posted by elmay at 10:46 AM on March 28 [6 favorites]

I'm kind of in your position, I would like to be doing something to make retirement more possible/comfortable. Reducing expenses is a good idea, and housing costs are an easy target. It's also real common to have a lot of money tied up in a house, and maybe you would eventually need to move for financial reasons.

I agree with the responses about thinking about what you (plural) want retired life to look like more broadly. And talk with a financial advisor so you both know your limitations.

But within that, maybe beware of being too sensible? When my parents were shopping for a home after retirement one of them had a list of wants like 'no flooding' and the other's list was more 'near a compatible church, has a garden'. And flooding is important, so the compromises were all things that seemed less critical and one of my parents was miserable for years. That was not great, and more care at the planning stage may have helped.

Good luck to you both!
posted by mersen at 11:16 AM on March 28 [3 favorites]

We're looking to downsize to a smaller, less expensive house. My wife, theoretically in agreement with this idea

The word "we're" is doing a loooooot of work in that sentence, from the sounds of it. You and your wife need to have an honest, two-way conversation about what you both want to do, housing-wise, and not make it about what you assume you both want to do.

If your wife says she doesn't want to move yet, listen to her, and from there the two of you can maybe strategize some other retirement/financial downsizing plan (if finances are truly your worry going forward) that might let you stay in the house that clearly seems to mean much more to your wife at this point in time than it does to you.

Don't get frustrated and give up hope - take this as an opportunity to reimagine how you communicate with your wife about making important joint life decisions.
posted by pdb at 11:28 AM on March 28 [3 favorites]

we downsized our house, and I cried after our first viewing excursions because while I was on board with the financial reasons for downsizing (in fact it was my idea) the reality of buying a smaller, shittier house wasn't that fun?

I knew in my head that a house that cost 200k less than our house would be worse, but it did take a little while to really get my heart on board with our plan. and now I love our little house and am glad we followed through but I'd be lying if I said my emotions were excitement at the time.
posted by euphoria066 at 1:17 PM on March 28 [11 favorites]

Did you decide together to downsize and move after looking through various options, or did you decide this was Objectively the Best Plan and start selling her on the idea?

Few things provoke an emotional allergic reaction like a partner coming along and telling them This Is How It's Going to Be, Because I Know Best.

Particularly if the person who Knows Best isn't doing the bulk of the work of thinking, planning, decluttering, organizing and packing. If your wife is retired and you're in the office, all of that is going to mostly be on her.

I would go back to the beginning. Sit down with her to discuss any and every option on the table. Staying, moving, delaying the move, moving somewhere else entirely with cheaper real estate, one or both of you working part time. Be open to her ideas.
posted by champers at 2:37 AM on March 29 [4 favorites]

I would like to retire and, given the state of tech employment these days, I may "get" to retire via RIF (the startup isn't doing great).

I assume that your spouse understands that you want to retire and that you may, in fact, be forced to retire sooner rather than later because your company isn't doing well.

If you haven't been completely explicit about those things, you need to be. It is easy to think someone knows stuff because you have said something ... and it turns out that you said something but they did not hear you or you said something but not nearly enough.

So check to see if your spouse fully understands why you want to move, then follow the excellent advice above and listen to your wife with an open heart. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:51 PM on March 29

Some personality types — I am one of them — just can’t make big decisions fast. When I read your questions I thought you were going to say you’d been looking for a house for 12 or 18 months, but if you’ve only been looking seriously for eight weeks - that’s not long at all. And, as others have pointed out above, the thing about downsizing is that it necessarily involves moving somewhere smaller and/or in a less desirable location.

My parents are older than you, and at one point they decided to downsize, but when they started looking at houses, they found one or the other didn’t actually want to give up anything they already had, in terms of space and amenities. Dad wanted to keep a house big enough for a study, mum wanted somewhere she could walk to the shops. They stopped looking when they found a house they liked, asked why the seller was selling, and the agent told them THOSE people were downsizing.

All of which us to say, it’s one thing to understand and agree with the rational reasons to downsize, and quite another to be ready to do it emotionally.
posted by damsel with a dulcimer at 12:54 PM on March 29 [3 favorites]

The nature of the decision has so many impacts it's probably triggering your wife's flight-freeze-fight responses. If you think about the total realm of things that go into a move, it's a lot to take on. Community, finances, roots, habits, material goods, risks and and lots of changes packed into one decision. No wonder people get their fear buttons pushed.
This guy on Medium talks a lot about he and his wife's retirement decisions, including downsizing, which for him involved selling his home and moving to a smaller home in AZ.
Merely downsizing your stuff for such a move is a major task and probably triggers a lot of risk avoidance right there.
If I were you, and I am to some extent in a similar situation, I'd focus on financial planning, getting your affairs in order and being able to make a succinct and understandable statement of your finances including your monthly spend and costs to remain where you are and project forward for your life changes.
The move you want to make...it has to seem like a major plus, a clear set of advantages and rewards for doing so or your wife is going really just classify this under 'this sucks' and not go for it. More money, more financial stability, better neighborhood, less stuff to manage...focus on all the positives.
posted by diode at 5:19 AM on March 30 [1 favorite]

This is an assumption but if your wife loves her current home, looking at it from a purely selfish point of view, there may be no benefit for her to sell and a whole lot of downside.

I can see why you want to move because it will enable you to retire but from your wife’s angle she’s already retired and in a home she likes.

Now she has to move into a smaller home in a new area, declutter, move, set up a new house that she doesn’t even have time to decide if she likes it or not etc etc and everything that come with moving

Looks like a whole lot of work for her with not much upside. If she’s feeling forced out of her family home and considers this a bad trade I’m not surprised she’s resisting.

She could well be telling you what you want to hear and then throwing up obstacles in the hope you just drop it. Maybe have a think about what’s in it for her?
posted by Jubey at 6:45 PM on April 2 [1 favorite]