Perspectives from other cultures on deathbed regrets?

February 14, 2024 8:19 AM

People often say things along the lines of “If you don’t take risks, you’ll regret it later in life, I wish I had listened less to my fears, etc” … and I’ve become sort of obsessed with trying to live a life that I won’t regret later. It’s hard, though, to tell the difference between fear and reasonable caution. That seems to be a difference that’s more apparent in hindsight.

This sort of thinking - that you should take risks, not be afraid, do certain things now so that you won’t regret not having done them later in life - seems like a very western way of looking at things. I’m curious how other cultures look at risk taking, unreasonable fear versus reasonable caution, and late in life regrets.

posted by wheatlets to Religion & Philosophy (10 answers total)

I recall chatting over lunch with the Boss of the Institute I worked for in one of China's top 2 universities. He was a great guy, very sophisticated, cultured, widely read, spoke better English than I. I liked him a lot. He had a ferocious work ethic and expected the same from us. He looked tired that day. I guess I was reaching out to him in some way when I said, " in the West, it is often said that no man on his death bed says I wish I'd spent more time in the office." He looked at me quietly for a second before asking, "why do they say that?" He had absolutely no idea. The notion was so culturally remote as to sound something between incomprehensible and perverse to Chinese ears.
posted by dutchrick at 8:47 AM on February 14 [12 favorites]

Forgive the tangent and my not addressing your question. I'm still scratching my head about Chinese attitudes to risk.
posted by dutchrick at 8:52 AM on February 14

I can't speak to non-Western perspectives, but in my particular subculture of white low-income New Englanders, I don't perceive a lot of value placed on risk-taking. My family would be more likely to regret taking a risk which didn't turn out well than to regret playing it safe.
posted by metasarah at 9:00 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]

FWIW I'm watching a kdrama with a main character who can foresee his death and decides he's not afraid of dying, only of dying with regrets, so he's going to go ahead and do the thing he's been holding back on. The show is presenting that as the right decision.

Is that a Korean attitude or an individual one? Is it an attitude influenced by "Western" culture or by other cultures, or is it indigenous to Korea? How old actually is this attitude in any culture? I have no idea.

(I say "Western" in quotes because I think that's way too broad a term and concept. Like metasarah, I come from a family and, in my opinion, cultural background (connected to Europe) where risk is not generally seen as smart, and being safe is a high virtue. I also I think to some extent that's more prominent among the older generations than the younger ones.)
posted by trig at 9:22 AM on February 14

Yeah, from media consumption (Chinese, Japanese, some Korean) "no regrets" is the cliche, not "take risks". This tends to be no moral regrets, no dirty compromises or giving in to peer pressure. Think the incorruptible official who denounces crime even though he knows there'll be a cover up. The old farmer who's the last one of their village but holds on to their ancestors' graves. "I'll walk my narrow path until darkness falls" even if others take the wide road.

(Again, lots of media consumption but I'm Eastern European personally.)
posted by I claim sanctuary at 10:04 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Not exactly an answer but perhaps relevant: personally I have found solace in the idea of infinitely many universes. There's nothing for me to regret because in some other universe I made a different choice. There is a "me" experiencing both/all outcomes.

(but if one of them ever shows up here, well... most sci-fi has suggested that I be mighty suspicious of his intentions. But it's also just another me so maybe we just go fuck off work and get a beer.)
posted by booooooze at 10:15 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

I will say, in some of the East Asian shows I've seen where characters decide to go live their wild lives or whatever, there is often a lot of emphasis on how they get to that decision even though they feel responsible for making their parents happy or taking care of family members or seeming respectable and so on. The thing holding them back is often less lack of confidence or fear for themselves and more a sense that doing what they want would be selfish.

There is also a cliche in a lot of Korean/Japanese/Chinese romcom series where a character goes through a stage, usually late in the season, where they're apart from or in conflict with the love interest, decide that love isn't everything, and focus on their own career/friendships/personal life and take all kinds of steps they'd been afraid to take before for an episode or two. And then of course the love interest comes back/reconciles and so the character gets both romance and independent personal growth.

In romance dramas it's also not uncommon for characters to be all "if I don't give this relationship (or, occasionally, other endeavor) everything I have (despite conflicts/lack of confidence/scheming in-laws/etc), I will regret it. I'm going to do this such that I have no regrets."

In a different, and less 21st-century vein, a classic Japanese movie where a protagonist facing death decides to do something meaningful with his life is Akira Kurosawa's Ikiru (which means "to live" or "living"). It's very very good. Although I watched it a long time ago and can't say for sure but I don't think the emphasis there was exactly on "no regrets" - what I remember is more an older man feeling completely lost in the face of a terminal diagnosis and stumbling on a sense of purpose outside of the conventional mold he's lived in so far.
posted by trig at 10:51 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Since you are interested in a cross-cultural perspective, if you like Ikiru, you should also watch Living, a recent remake of older film, set in the UK.
posted by metahawk at 8:25 PM on February 14

Living a life with no regrets is the dumbest goal. There are always going to be regrets. Doing things now so you won't regret not having done them later is why people have kids they should never have had and regret having.

Also worth noting: if you live long enough to regret shit, you're winning.

Just find a basis for making decisions you can live with. Your own basis. Mine is "do I want to expend my energy on this, and will doing it or not doing it cause any harm that should guide my decision?" That's it. Any choices made within that framework are morally neurtral so whatever.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:26 PM on February 15

“If you don’t take risks, you’ll regret it later in life, I wish I had listened less to my fears, etc”

Usually people aren't referring to things that would even call for "reasonable caution" with this, it's more about how you will regret not doing things because you are afraid someone will say no if you ask them out, afraid that you might feel awkward if you go to a party where you don't know anyone, afraid you will feel foolish to try for a job you don't feel qualified for, etc.

Basically it's an encouragement to get past being afraid of things where the only risk to you is that you might feel some kind of way if it doesn't work out.
posted by yohko at 8:11 PM on February 15 [1 favorite]