Patriarchy wars: episode vi - return of the feminist
December 25, 2016 8:54 AM Subscribe
What are some big and small actions I can take to stick it to the man??
I am a feminist (I believe in the social/political/economic equality between the sexes). And unfortunately I live in a culture where:
- gender stereotypes are assumed to be true
- women are shamed for getting older (whereas men are praised for their career achievements)
- women are shamed for not being super thin, feminine, and permanently 21 years old
- I have been encouraged by several of my mom's friends to stop taking my school work so seriously and just find a rich husband
- there's a lot of slut shaming
- there's a lot of spinster shaming
- I keep hearing stories about women giving up their careers to be stay at home moms who are then left with nothing when their husbands run off with a younger woman
- women are underrepresented in government/the judiciary/executive positions...
I'm really, really, REALLY sick of it. It just seems so false and wrong to me, and I don't know how to channel my anger into productive actions! Every time I raise this topic or challenge these assumptions I feel like I repulse my companions and alienate them. I'm surrounded by sexists!! *sighs exasperatedly* and nobody else seems to find gender equality appealing or important.
Feminists of askmefi, how do you survive/thrive in a culture that seems stubbornly and unapologetically sexist? What are some effective steps you take to fight these annoying, false, oppressive gender stereotypes (without alienating people)?
I am a feminist (I believe in the social/political/economic equality between the sexes). And unfortunately I live in a culture where:
- gender stereotypes are assumed to be true
- women are shamed for getting older (whereas men are praised for their career achievements)
- women are shamed for not being super thin, feminine, and permanently 21 years old
- I have been encouraged by several of my mom's friends to stop taking my school work so seriously and just find a rich husband
- there's a lot of slut shaming
- there's a lot of spinster shaming
- I keep hearing stories about women giving up their careers to be stay at home moms who are then left with nothing when their husbands run off with a younger woman
- women are underrepresented in government/the judiciary/executive positions...
I'm really, really, REALLY sick of it. It just seems so false and wrong to me, and I don't know how to channel my anger into productive actions! Every time I raise this topic or challenge these assumptions I feel like I repulse my companions and alienate them. I'm surrounded by sexists!! *sighs exasperatedly* and nobody else seems to find gender equality appealing or important.
Feminists of askmefi, how do you survive/thrive in a culture that seems stubbornly and unapologetically sexist? What are some effective steps you take to fight these annoying, false, oppressive gender stereotypes (without alienating people)?
This doesn't answer the question of how do you fight it from inside, but why not move to an organization that has the cultural values you support and help them to succeed and provide an example to others.
The company I work for has a culture where people are valued entirely for their skills (technical company). Needless to say, we have a bunch of superstar women who are highly respected. It's a refreshing exception to other companies that have cultures like what you described. So there are good environments out there.
posted by duoshao at 9:12 AM on December 25, 2016
The company I work for has a culture where people are valued entirely for their skills (technical company). Needless to say, we have a bunch of superstar women who are highly respected. It's a refreshing exception to other companies that have cultures like what you described. So there are good environments out there.
posted by duoshao at 9:12 AM on December 25, 2016
When someone makes a sexist comment, I find it more effective to express disapproval the way I would if sexism was already outmoded i.e. taking an "I'm so embarrassed for you" tone rather than an outraged tone, even though I often do feel outraged and sometimes just exhausted. Imagine you are talking to your well meaning great aunt who just used the word "oriental" to refer to a person and you need to let her know this is not acceptable anymore. This method exerts social pressure by inviting the other person to feel embarrassed rather than to match your outrage with their own anger in a debate. It's effective enough that it helps me feel better in day to day interactions.
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 9:24 AM on December 25, 2016 [32 favorites]
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 9:24 AM on December 25, 2016 [32 favorites]
I tentatively suggest that you look for allies. You're probably not the only one who's uncomfortable in that toxic culture.
It's easier to notice people who say awful things, but is there anyone who goes quiet when the awful things are said? Can you talk with them privately?
This really is tentative advice-- can anyone with more experience weigh in on the idea?
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 9:30 AM on December 25, 2016
It's easier to notice people who say awful things, but is there anyone who goes quiet when the awful things are said? Can you talk with them privately?
This really is tentative advice-- can anyone with more experience weigh in on the idea?
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 9:30 AM on December 25, 2016
Response by poster: Thanks for the suggestions so far! I just realized how angry I sounded HAHA (it's accurate, I'm so angry).
I also included a typo 'I believe in the social/political/economic equality between the sexes' should be 'I believe that men and women are equal in value and deserve the same social/political/economic opportunities'.
posted by Crookshanks_Meow at 9:38 AM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
I also included a typo 'I believe in the social/political/economic equality between the sexes' should be 'I believe that men and women are equal in value and deserve the same social/political/economic opportunities'.
posted by Crookshanks_Meow at 9:38 AM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
There are a few things that I have recently started to try to do in this context:
- In a group conversation, be aware of the gender balance of who's doing the talking. Steer if needed.
- When selecting candidates for a position, be aware of the genders of the candidates and make sure that appropriate attention is paid to the women. (I work in a highly gender-skewed field, so sometimes I don't even notice the gender balance in a group.)
- In public affairs, avoid taking the bait of style-slagging. Steer the discussion back to substance.
- Spend some time with fellow feminists to recharge and remember what Normal should look like!
posted by heatherlogan at 9:40 AM on December 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
- In a group conversation, be aware of the gender balance of who's doing the talking. Steer if needed.
- When selecting candidates for a position, be aware of the genders of the candidates and make sure that appropriate attention is paid to the women. (I work in a highly gender-skewed field, so sometimes I don't even notice the gender balance in a group.)
- In public affairs, avoid taking the bait of style-slagging. Steer the discussion back to substance.
- Spend some time with fellow feminists to recharge and remember what Normal should look like!
posted by heatherlogan at 9:40 AM on December 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
If you have the time, money or other resources (connections, special skills, real estate) you can work with organizations that support women in the most tenuous of situations. Things like women's shelters, safe houses, programs for mothers to take classes and other extended education, low-cost daycare, groups that run phone-in help lines for abuse victims, programs for free bus tickets to the elderly, support and safe spaces for transgender women, the list goes on.
Even if you don't have the things needed to be of help to these organizations, just the process of looking for and finding them is going to be heartening - and you can do little things like asking for future gifts be donations to that charity so other people know they exist, too. If you look and you truly can't find any, well, there's clearly a need. What can you do to help fill that need? Can you find someone who does have the resources who just doesn't realize the need?
The thing about helping women whose need is greater than your own isn't some kind of "oh well at least you're better off than THEM, those poor unfortunate souls". It's about women helping each other to cut through the crap you're all wading through every day. It's good to be a little angry - shouldn't you be angry if you're up to your neck in crap? Use what you have, be it money or anger or a kind word, to give other women opportunities and good experiences. The more women who have these chances, the less crap they'll put up with, the less acceptable the attitudes in your question become. It's slow, non-linear progress, but it's vital.
posted by Mizu at 9:44 AM on December 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
Even if you don't have the things needed to be of help to these organizations, just the process of looking for and finding them is going to be heartening - and you can do little things like asking for future gifts be donations to that charity so other people know they exist, too. If you look and you truly can't find any, well, there's clearly a need. What can you do to help fill that need? Can you find someone who does have the resources who just doesn't realize the need?
The thing about helping women whose need is greater than your own isn't some kind of "oh well at least you're better off than THEM, those poor unfortunate souls". It's about women helping each other to cut through the crap you're all wading through every day. It's good to be a little angry - shouldn't you be angry if you're up to your neck in crap? Use what you have, be it money or anger or a kind word, to give other women opportunities and good experiences. The more women who have these chances, the less crap they'll put up with, the less acceptable the attitudes in your question become. It's slow, non-linear progress, but it's vital.
posted by Mizu at 9:44 AM on December 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
A couple more things: In a conversation involving different positions (I don't quite want to say "argument"), I find it helps to try to [appear to] be the most reasonable person in the room. If you can implicitly treat sexism as childish behaviour, it may help reinforce the norm of equality. I really like what Waiting for Pierce Inverarity said above.
And regarding stereotyping, it is very hard for another person to argue with your own personal experience. When someone expresses a gender stereotype, think about the people you personally know and come back with that.
posted by heatherlogan at 9:45 AM on December 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
And regarding stereotyping, it is very hard for another person to argue with your own personal experience. When someone expresses a gender stereotype, think about the people you personally know and come back with that.
posted by heatherlogan at 9:45 AM on December 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
I take up space. I have opinions and I don't apologise for them. I don't take shit. I don't volunteer to do crappy jobs that nobody else wants to do and I don't manage men's emotions. I store away the anger and occasionally bring it out when I need it and focus it like a laser and use it to bulldoze through nonsense.
It helps more than I imagined it might.
posted by emilyw at 9:47 AM on December 25, 2016 [54 favorites]
It helps more than I imagined it might.
posted by emilyw at 9:47 AM on December 25, 2016 [54 favorites]
On the tack of language: Whenever someone mentions their doctor, lawyer, scientist, senator, etc- assume that person is female and use those pronouns.
In my experience this is subtle, inoffensive, and potentially powerful. Also I've found it helps me notice some of my own assumptions and biases.
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:11 AM on December 25, 2016 [16 favorites]
In my experience this is subtle, inoffensive, and potentially powerful. Also I've found it helps me notice some of my own assumptions and biases.
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:11 AM on December 25, 2016 [16 favorites]
Whenever someone mentions their doctor, lawyer, scientist, senator, etc- assume that person is female and use those pronouns.
If you're not allergic to space opera, read "Ancillary Justice" by Ann Leckie. The point-of-view character speaks a language that does not distinguish gender, and it is rendered into English in terms of female pronouns. It blew my mind in a way I entirely had not expected: I found that my mental framing / first impressions of newly introduced characters was way different, and I loved it to bits.
posted by heatherlogan at 10:20 AM on December 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
If you're not allergic to space opera, read "Ancillary Justice" by Ann Leckie. The point-of-view character speaks a language that does not distinguish gender, and it is rendered into English in terms of female pronouns. It blew my mind in a way I entirely had not expected: I found that my mental framing / first impressions of newly introduced characters was way different, and I loved it to bits.
posted by heatherlogan at 10:20 AM on December 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
Any person can do any job or hobby. Any person can wear anything or be attracted to anyone.
This is pretty much the definition of feminism. Unfortunately, at the moment, there are still problems that need to be addressed by specifically looking at gender. Just like how I don't think Black Lives Matter should change its name to All Lives Matter, and I don't think the Missing & Murdered Indigenous Women inquiry should be expanded to include men.
posted by heatherlogan at 10:44 AM on December 25, 2016 [34 favorites]
This is pretty much the definition of feminism. Unfortunately, at the moment, there are still problems that need to be addressed by specifically looking at gender. Just like how I don't think Black Lives Matter should change its name to All Lives Matter, and I don't think the Missing & Murdered Indigenous Women inquiry should be expanded to include men.
posted by heatherlogan at 10:44 AM on December 25, 2016 [34 favorites]
Best answer: Take that anger and channel it into purpose.
Make money, save money, invest money, buy property. Build your power base.
Earn degrees and credentials. Network with peers and mentor the younger generation.
Plan your own move into a position of power - government, the judiciary, executive positions.
And vote for and support women who are on those trajectories.
You can't change what people say and think, but you will care a whole lot less when you have money, property, and power.
posted by metaseeker at 10:48 AM on December 25, 2016 [15 favorites]
Make money, save money, invest money, buy property. Build your power base.
Earn degrees and credentials. Network with peers and mentor the younger generation.
Plan your own move into a position of power - government, the judiciary, executive positions.
And vote for and support women who are on those trajectories.
You can't change what people say and think, but you will care a whole lot less when you have money, property, and power.
posted by metaseeker at 10:48 AM on December 25, 2016 [15 favorites]
Do you consume any pop culture -- movies, TV, music? I've largely stopped, and am much more careful with what I do consume, due to my contempt for its way of framing the world.
posted by Borborygmus at 11:30 AM on December 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Borborygmus at 11:30 AM on December 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
Is there a local Planned Parenthood or similar entity you could volunteer at, perhaps to give anti-slut-shaming, positive sex/health education to teens? This is what I'm going to start doing after the new year. I'm in my late-20s so I can still pass for a peer even though I don't get new kids and their snapstigrams.
I grew up in a blue state so I had sex education at my public school, but things like consent and sex for pleasure and not just babies wasn't really touched on. Thankfully I had an awesome group of friends to bumble along with and we all came out of our teen and college days with (mostly) good experiences, and ways of talking about and working through the not-so-good experiences. It pains and angers me to my feminist core that other people may not have this kind of support, and are shamed into all the horrible, self-hating ways that slut-shaming and sexist culture can mess someone up. We can help be that support network, though!
posted by Drosera at 11:43 AM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
I grew up in a blue state so I had sex education at my public school, but things like consent and sex for pleasure and not just babies wasn't really touched on. Thankfully I had an awesome group of friends to bumble along with and we all came out of our teen and college days with (mostly) good experiences, and ways of talking about and working through the not-so-good experiences. It pains and angers me to my feminist core that other people may not have this kind of support, and are shamed into all the horrible, self-hating ways that slut-shaming and sexist culture can mess someone up. We can help be that support network, though!
posted by Drosera at 11:43 AM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Seek out woman-owned businesses and if relevant, do business with them and tell them WHY.
Don't do volunteer work in your free time, unless it is to assist women *specifically.*
Try hard not to adjust yourself to help men "feel more comfortable." Call them on man-spreading, mansplaining, and arrogance. Do not sink to their bait. (it's taken me years to learn this!)
This might seem like a small thing, but it's effective: when at a gathering or a party, look at and address the women in that gathering. Don't look to men (either figuratively or literally) to affirm your opinions.
Hope this helps...your questions are good ones.
posted by BostonTerrier at 11:45 AM on December 25, 2016 [33 favorites]
Don't do volunteer work in your free time, unless it is to assist women *specifically.*
Try hard not to adjust yourself to help men "feel more comfortable." Call them on man-spreading, mansplaining, and arrogance. Do not sink to their bait. (it's taken me years to learn this!)
This might seem like a small thing, but it's effective: when at a gathering or a party, look at and address the women in that gathering. Don't look to men (either figuratively or literally) to affirm your opinions.
Hope this helps...your questions are good ones.
posted by BostonTerrier at 11:45 AM on December 25, 2016 [33 favorites]
This is an unprecedented point in history for women. We have full control over reproduction. We can keep the money we earn, we can own property, we have legal standing in court, we can seek higher education, we can vote. We can decide who we marry and if we divorce. We have it incredibly good. All the elements are there for us to live full independent lives.
The pervasive bias you mention is real, and annoying, but railing against it doesn't get you much at the end of the day. Live a serious, purposeful life and gather people and power to you. Advocate for women who don't have the hard rights that we have.
And always have a Fuck off fund.
posted by metaseeker at 11:53 AM on December 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
The pervasive bias you mention is real, and annoying, but railing against it doesn't get you much at the end of the day. Live a serious, purposeful life and gather people and power to you. Advocate for women who don't have the hard rights that we have.
And always have a Fuck off fund.
posted by metaseeker at 11:53 AM on December 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
I like the idea of being a role model, and admire Angela Merkel as I did Margaret Thatcher during her time, for rising to the top in professions that are still overwhelmingly male dominated. Become the woman you want your (future) (possible) (hypothetical) daughter to emulate.
I live in a similar society which still views women as incomplete if, past a certain age, they have no husband or children. So the women who manage to live full, independent lives, are likely to be giving back by sponsoring all sorts of programmes aimed at pushing school girls towards technical fields, or empowering village women through income generating activities, or starting women-in-business caucuses in their companies, etc.
Well, metaseeker said it better.
posted by Kwadeng at 12:22 PM on December 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
I live in a similar society which still views women as incomplete if, past a certain age, they have no husband or children. So the women who manage to live full, independent lives, are likely to be giving back by sponsoring all sorts of programmes aimed at pushing school girls towards technical fields, or empowering village women through income generating activities, or starting women-in-business caucuses in their companies, etc.
Well, metaseeker said it better.
posted by Kwadeng at 12:22 PM on December 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Thank you so much for asking this question, I am loving the answers and getting lots of ideas for things to do myself.
In my case, I've found a few things highly effective:
1. In my professional/public life, I make sure my energies are going towards things that I want to see happen for whatever reason (eg they benefit me or advance a cause or project that I care about), and where I am going to see appropriate recognition and rewards. It's far too easy for women in the workplace to be backed into a "helper" role where you are expected to prop up some guy. I see this in my current organization where, for some reason, males are allowed to be "deep thinkers" and females are expected to take care of all the "petty" logistics to make things actually happen. I am good at turning ideas into reality but now I prioritize my own ideas. If some guy can't get it together to implement his grand plan, that's not usually my problem.
2. I make sure credit goes where it's due, and I head off the situations where it might not at the pass. There is a pattern in my workplace where people, most often men, start off a collaboration by saying something along the lines of "I don't care who gets the credit." I always reply, with a smile that I actually do care, and that I believe that those who work hard and make strong contributions should be recognized and rewarded. Then I make sure to do that, whether the contributor was male or female. (Over the years, I've noticed that if you make the expected "oh of course I don't care either," reply, you will often find the guy somehow claiming the work as his. And if you raise it, you get the "hey, we're a team..." crap.)
3. I do not support, smooth over, placate, normalize, or otherwise make nice with people who denigrate or disrespect me or other women. I don't necessarily confront them, but I will actively avoid them, fail to notice opportunities to make things go easier for them, and refuse to deny or minimize their bad behaviour. Sadly, this sometimes means I am avoiding anti-feminist women, too.
4. I run "blind" competitions etc whenever possible, and have found that, when gender identifying information is stripped off application material, women are almost always "screened in" in higher numbers.
I am going to actively start doing the pronoun thing, too. I already write s/he as a matter of course, but I'm going to start using she when speaking as well.
posted by rpfields at 12:23 PM on December 25, 2016 [20 favorites]
In my case, I've found a few things highly effective:
1. In my professional/public life, I make sure my energies are going towards things that I want to see happen for whatever reason (eg they benefit me or advance a cause or project that I care about), and where I am going to see appropriate recognition and rewards. It's far too easy for women in the workplace to be backed into a "helper" role where you are expected to prop up some guy. I see this in my current organization where, for some reason, males are allowed to be "deep thinkers" and females are expected to take care of all the "petty" logistics to make things actually happen. I am good at turning ideas into reality but now I prioritize my own ideas. If some guy can't get it together to implement his grand plan, that's not usually my problem.
2. I make sure credit goes where it's due, and I head off the situations where it might not at the pass. There is a pattern in my workplace where people, most often men, start off a collaboration by saying something along the lines of "I don't care who gets the credit." I always reply, with a smile that I actually do care, and that I believe that those who work hard and make strong contributions should be recognized and rewarded. Then I make sure to do that, whether the contributor was male or female. (Over the years, I've noticed that if you make the expected "oh of course I don't care either," reply, you will often find the guy somehow claiming the work as his. And if you raise it, you get the "hey, we're a team..." crap.)
3. I do not support, smooth over, placate, normalize, or otherwise make nice with people who denigrate or disrespect me or other women. I don't necessarily confront them, but I will actively avoid them, fail to notice opportunities to make things go easier for them, and refuse to deny or minimize their bad behaviour. Sadly, this sometimes means I am avoiding anti-feminist women, too.
4. I run "blind" competitions etc whenever possible, and have found that, when gender identifying information is stripped off application material, women are almost always "screened in" in higher numbers.
I am going to actively start doing the pronoun thing, too. I already write s/he as a matter of course, but I'm going to start using she when speaking as well.
posted by rpfields at 12:23 PM on December 25, 2016 [20 favorites]
It is fine if you want to help other women worse off than you, but ...
A) They may not want your help. (Ask me how I know.)
B) They may not appreciate your help. (Ask me how I know.)
C) They may have no goal of living the empowered, post patriarchy life you imagine your are helping them find. (Ask me how I know.)
I spent a lot of years wanting to combat this out in the world and wanting people to love me for saving them or whatever. And then one day it dawned on me that I would be happier and would be doing more to further real progress if I just went and pursued my own personal and career goals. It turns out I am much less angry and it takes a whole lot more time and energy than I thought it would and this means I don't have all kinds of leftover time and energy for trying to "fix" everyone else. And that's better for me and everyone else. They don't need me deciding what is best for them.
That doesn't mean I am simply callous or unwilling to be helpful to others. But I think dealing with the lady in the mirror the vast majority of time is generally better.
It sets an example that others follow. They still don't love me and I get really grumpy about horrible bitches who benefit from my handiwork, emulate my example and then shit on me instead of thanking me, but it visibly moves numbers if that is what you want to do.
And I highly recommend that fuck off fund. Or some other method of managing to say fuck you, even if you do not have money in the bank. You can memail me if you want a link to my blog post on my twist on FU money.
And that doesn't mean I do not give pushback socially. I do. I just keep it focused on "You are stepping on MY toes, right here, right now. Please get off my toes." instead of being all high handed about some general trend or abstract idea. That, too, does a better job of moving numbers and doing it well/effectively without alienating people is far more challenging than it seems like it should be.
Ironically, when done a certain way, I think women helping women just keeps us all trapped as second class citizens required to do the world's emotional labor. Escaping that yoke can clue other women that they don't have to wear it either.
posted by Michele in California at 12:23 PM on December 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
A) They may not want your help. (Ask me how I know.)
B) They may not appreciate your help. (Ask me how I know.)
C) They may have no goal of living the empowered, post patriarchy life you imagine your are helping them find. (Ask me how I know.)
I spent a lot of years wanting to combat this out in the world and wanting people to love me for saving them or whatever. And then one day it dawned on me that I would be happier and would be doing more to further real progress if I just went and pursued my own personal and career goals. It turns out I am much less angry and it takes a whole lot more time and energy than I thought it would and this means I don't have all kinds of leftover time and energy for trying to "fix" everyone else. And that's better for me and everyone else. They don't need me deciding what is best for them.
That doesn't mean I am simply callous or unwilling to be helpful to others. But I think dealing with the lady in the mirror the vast majority of time is generally better.
It sets an example that others follow. They still don't love me and I get really grumpy about horrible bitches who benefit from my handiwork, emulate my example and then shit on me instead of thanking me, but it visibly moves numbers if that is what you want to do.
And I highly recommend that fuck off fund. Or some other method of managing to say fuck you, even if you do not have money in the bank. You can memail me if you want a link to my blog post on my twist on FU money.
And that doesn't mean I do not give pushback socially. I do. I just keep it focused on "You are stepping on MY toes, right here, right now. Please get off my toes." instead of being all high handed about some general trend or abstract idea. That, too, does a better job of moving numbers and doing it well/effectively without alienating people is far more challenging than it seems like it should be.
Ironically, when done a certain way, I think women helping women just keeps us all trapped as second class citizens required to do the world's emotional labor. Escaping that yoke can clue other women that they don't have to wear it either.
posted by Michele in California at 12:23 PM on December 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
This is an unprecedented point in history for women. We have full control over reproduction. We can keep the money we earn, we can own property, we have legal standing in court, we can seek higher education, we can vote. We can decide who we marry and if we divorce. We have it incredibly good. All the elements are there for us to live full independent lives.
We have full control over reproduction unless we live in one of the 22 states that restrict access to abortion.
We can keep the money we earn, after we pay a 20% chromosome tax.
We can pursue higher education, and earn more degrees than men, but we are less likely to be hired as tenure-track faculty than our male classmates, we are less likely to serve as university president, and we are outnumbered on academic committees by 2:1
We can decide who we marry, unless we live in Alabama; once married, many states allow us to be raped with lesser punishment for the rapist-spouse.
Yes, women in the West have it better now than women did in the 1950s, or the 1850s, or pretty much ever in history. But the struggle for these rights -- which should be just basic human rights -- are within living memory in the US (before 1974, for instance, women couldn't get a credit card without a male cosigner, which seems ludicrous today) and remain tenuous, especially regarding reproductive rights. Compared to previous generations of women, and compared to millions of women even today, we do have it incredibly good, but from what I see, incredibly good still ain't good enough.
posted by basalganglia at 12:42 PM on December 25, 2016 [55 favorites]
We have full control over reproduction unless we live in one of the 22 states that restrict access to abortion.
We can keep the money we earn, after we pay a 20% chromosome tax.
We can pursue higher education, and earn more degrees than men, but we are less likely to be hired as tenure-track faculty than our male classmates, we are less likely to serve as university president, and we are outnumbered on academic committees by 2:1
We can decide who we marry, unless we live in Alabama; once married, many states allow us to be raped with lesser punishment for the rapist-spouse.
Yes, women in the West have it better now than women did in the 1950s, or the 1850s, or pretty much ever in history. But the struggle for these rights -- which should be just basic human rights -- are within living memory in the US (before 1974, for instance, women couldn't get a credit card without a male cosigner, which seems ludicrous today) and remain tenuous, especially regarding reproductive rights. Compared to previous generations of women, and compared to millions of women even today, we do have it incredibly good, but from what I see, incredibly good still ain't good enough.
posted by basalganglia at 12:42 PM on December 25, 2016 [55 favorites]
Best answer: Lots of good advice above.
In addition to using female pronouns for hypothetical people, I always refer to adult female people as women. Some people think this sounds stilted and formal. I think we still live in a society that too often treats adult women like children, and referring to them as such only normalizes and tacitly approves of those behaviors.
posted by telegraph at 1:10 PM on December 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
In addition to using female pronouns for hypothetical people, I always refer to adult female people as women. Some people think this sounds stilted and formal. I think we still live in a society that too often treats adult women like children, and referring to them as such only normalizes and tacitly approves of those behaviors.
posted by telegraph at 1:10 PM on December 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
I have children so this may not apply to you but when I read them books I switch all genders to "she". It was shocking to me when I started reading kids books and realized the default gender in 90% + of them is male. My daughter got a book for Christmas and the lion, giraffe, and elephant were "he" while the kangaroo was a "she" because, of course, she had a baby in her pouch.
posted by TheLateGreatAbrahamLincoln at 1:35 PM on December 25, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by TheLateGreatAbrahamLincoln at 1:35 PM on December 25, 2016 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Study and practice things related to your job in your spare time.
posted by michaelh at 1:37 PM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by michaelh at 1:37 PM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
As a theologian, I became Anglican because I believed in female leadership, and I refer to God as She.
posted by PinkMoose at 2:39 PM on December 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by PinkMoose at 2:39 PM on December 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
I listen to podcasts that are mostly women's voices and audiobooks narrated by women, like BBC Women's Hour. It is helpful to hear the news from women and to have literature from women's voices. I mostly look for books written by women by default in any case, as my to read pile is so long, a book has to be exceptional if I'm going to consider giving my time to a male author over a woman, because of the Ginger Rogers effect - they have to pass a higher barrier in general to just get published, so a woman is likely to be a better author.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:47 PM on December 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:47 PM on December 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
If you're a waiteress or waiter don't come to the table asking if everything is ok, if anything is needed, and really address yourself to the man. I am a woman and whenever I am eating with a man, when the waitress or waiter comes by for assurance that the food is ok, we have what we need, it almost always seems like he/she is really talking to the man/looking at the man/ wanting the authority of the man, before they can feel assured everything is too our liking and they can move on. I am often near invisible. Even if we speak in unison that the food is good, they will look at him first, have a half glance at my face, and have a settled finishing look on his, before they leave. They of course make the point of letting me order first, but when actions are not clear cut as that, it shows immensely who really matters at the table.
Also, don't cover over things by making them into something they're not when women tell you stories, or complain to you, explain something that happened, etc. I don't mean by explicitly contradicting something they explicitly say, but by your understanding, and response, and face. I find it extremely common that if I relate something to someone that was not good in some way, where things transpired in some way, and it was clearly partly because I was a woman, they act like they don't notice by their words and their reaction. In other words, like it was nothing, or not as big as what I seem to be saying, like I was treated as a women should be treated in that case, or that of course that was the response I got. I also find it very common for women to tell me some horrible way they were treated (where it's clear it all transpired that way because she's a woman), and seem to be upset to some degree (for example, if the men at the table were talking so much she couldn't contribute, and she's say she never got to say that much because they were all talking), but then really brush it aside and brush her feelings aside. Often with an assured positive, laughing tone, and a "sorry for complaining!", or a "I didn't mean to be negative!", before she returns to talking with happiness and reason. This happens continually in so many ways.
The first comment by fingersandtoes is my favorite suggestion of all, however. I also do this, and I agree that it is jarring even to my own ears, as I say it. And that convinces me most of all how needed it is. I also call cats and dogs on the street a she (and never boats and cars, they can be hes, similarly jarring). People always look at me like I am crazy, and I don't think they know what I am doing, it gets lost in the conversation as it simply carries on, but I still think it's great. It shows more than anything how we see the default human as a man, the default experiencing, living, thinking, feeling, aspiring (insert any verb) as a man ( unless it's a human who is being irrational, or caring, or emotional or complaining, or unsatisfied, of course).
Oh, and watch movies and read books that are supposed to be about "universal" human experiences and conditions and responses, that center on a female protagonist rather than a male. They are pretty rare, it's always male stories that are like this.
posted by Blitz at 6:20 PM on December 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
Also, don't cover over things by making them into something they're not when women tell you stories, or complain to you, explain something that happened, etc. I don't mean by explicitly contradicting something they explicitly say, but by your understanding, and response, and face. I find it extremely common that if I relate something to someone that was not good in some way, where things transpired in some way, and it was clearly partly because I was a woman, they act like they don't notice by their words and their reaction. In other words, like it was nothing, or not as big as what I seem to be saying, like I was treated as a women should be treated in that case, or that of course that was the response I got. I also find it very common for women to tell me some horrible way they were treated (where it's clear it all transpired that way because she's a woman), and seem to be upset to some degree (for example, if the men at the table were talking so much she couldn't contribute, and she's say she never got to say that much because they were all talking), but then really brush it aside and brush her feelings aside. Often with an assured positive, laughing tone, and a "sorry for complaining!", or a "I didn't mean to be negative!", before she returns to talking with happiness and reason. This happens continually in so many ways.
The first comment by fingersandtoes is my favorite suggestion of all, however. I also do this, and I agree that it is jarring even to my own ears, as I say it. And that convinces me most of all how needed it is. I also call cats and dogs on the street a she (and never boats and cars, they can be hes, similarly jarring). People always look at me like I am crazy, and I don't think they know what I am doing, it gets lost in the conversation as it simply carries on, but I still think it's great. It shows more than anything how we see the default human as a man, the default experiencing, living, thinking, feeling, aspiring (insert any verb) as a man ( unless it's a human who is being irrational, or caring, or emotional or complaining, or unsatisfied, of course).
Oh, and watch movies and read books that are supposed to be about "universal" human experiences and conditions and responses, that center on a female protagonist rather than a male. They are pretty rare, it's always male stories that are like this.
posted by Blitz at 6:20 PM on December 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
Donate to Planned Parenthood and/or volunteer there. Volunteer for a women's shelter. Also, if you live in a state with insane abortion restrictions, offer free transportation for women who don't live near an abortion provider.
Speak openly about abortions. Take away the stigma. 1/3 women has an abortion at some point in their life. That means people who vociferously oppose abortion are highly likely to know or love a woman who's needed an abortion. Spread this like wildfire.
Never rely on a man for money. Even if you choose to marry a man, or if you already are married to a man, keep your own money that he doesn't have access to and always have savings for yourself (and at least one credit card with a high balance for emergencies). Encourage your female friends to do the same.
At your workplace, talk to HR about implementing policies that help women get hired -- for example, censoring names on resumes that hiring managers look at, so they don't know if a candidate is male or female, and have multiple managers (including female managers) conduct interviews and decide who gets hired.
Mentor other women in your workplace. Create a safe space for them to be vocal, have strong opinions, and not be seen as bitchy/bossy/mean by coworkers. I have a female coworker who is very opinionated and I frequently hear other coworkers call her angry, rude, belligerent, etc even though I have NEVER heard her raise voice or state anything other than plain facts in meetings I've had with her. I defend her to these other coworkers and say "She's not rude, she is very experienced and smart and is stating her opinion." Defend your female coworkers when they are being unfairly judged by others.
Generally: be vocal and firm and a friend to other women, and don't let anyone else convince you you need to be "nicer". Be the kind of woman you look up to and that you want to see more of.
posted by a strong female character at 7:28 PM on December 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
Speak openly about abortions. Take away the stigma. 1/3 women has an abortion at some point in their life. That means people who vociferously oppose abortion are highly likely to know or love a woman who's needed an abortion. Spread this like wildfire.
Never rely on a man for money. Even if you choose to marry a man, or if you already are married to a man, keep your own money that he doesn't have access to and always have savings for yourself (and at least one credit card with a high balance for emergencies). Encourage your female friends to do the same.
At your workplace, talk to HR about implementing policies that help women get hired -- for example, censoring names on resumes that hiring managers look at, so they don't know if a candidate is male or female, and have multiple managers (including female managers) conduct interviews and decide who gets hired.
Mentor other women in your workplace. Create a safe space for them to be vocal, have strong opinions, and not be seen as bitchy/bossy/mean by coworkers. I have a female coworker who is very opinionated and I frequently hear other coworkers call her angry, rude, belligerent, etc even though I have NEVER heard her raise voice or state anything other than plain facts in meetings I've had with her. I defend her to these other coworkers and say "She's not rude, she is very experienced and smart and is stating her opinion." Defend your female coworkers when they are being unfairly judged by others.
Generally: be vocal and firm and a friend to other women, and don't let anyone else convince you you need to be "nicer". Be the kind of woman you look up to and that you want to see more of.
posted by a strong female character at 7:28 PM on December 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
Blitz, could you recommend some movies or books which present women's experiences as universal?
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 5:57 AM on December 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 5:57 AM on December 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
One thing you can do is embrace the extant power structure of women, don't disdain it. Well-turned-out moms with rich husbands have a huge amount of power and they wield it quite intentionally in support of the women's issues they think are important. I guarantee you that at least one thing you are passionate about they can supercharge. You don't need to agree with them about everything.
posted by MattD at 6:56 AM on December 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by MattD at 6:56 AM on December 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Treat menstrual products (tampons, pads, etc) with as little stigma as you would hand soap or toilet paper or facial tissue. Call them by their names out loud, leave them in plain sight in your bathroom, and if you need to carry one to the restroom (e.g. at work), hold it in your hand instead of hidden up your sleeve.
posted by telegraph at 8:51 AM on December 26, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by telegraph at 8:51 AM on December 26, 2016 [6 favorites]
Many years ago, I saw some kind of study I can't find now where people studied gendered walking patterns, and there was a distinct tendency for women to move aside and make room for men, and for men to barrel through in a straight line.
At the time, there was some sort of conservative men's convention going on near where I worked, so I did a little experiment where I didn't move out of the way for men, and it was pretty much like an unruly mosh pit. I got pummeled. It was very, very difficult to do, because it was a very ingrained behavior, but it was really enlightening, and I want to think it gave some of those men pause when they ran straight into a woman half their size.
I don't do it all the time, because as I said it's hard, and because you do take some hits, but I try to do it again when I'm up to it. I walk in straight lines, and I don't yield to men who aren't making any attempt to yield to me. I also don't let men steal my footroom or my armrests, and I don't apologize to them if they run into me or invade my personal space. Sometimes I say, "Excuse me," but not in the nice way. Sometimes I yell "MOVE!" or tell them to back off and step away from me, and sometimes I just let them hit me full force.
What I like the most about this is that it really puts the lie to the patronizing jerks who consider themselves to be chivalrous.
posted by ernielundquist at 12:44 PM on December 26, 2016 [15 favorites]
At the time, there was some sort of conservative men's convention going on near where I worked, so I did a little experiment where I didn't move out of the way for men, and it was pretty much like an unruly mosh pit. I got pummeled. It was very, very difficult to do, because it was a very ingrained behavior, but it was really enlightening, and I want to think it gave some of those men pause when they ran straight into a woman half their size.
I don't do it all the time, because as I said it's hard, and because you do take some hits, but I try to do it again when I'm up to it. I walk in straight lines, and I don't yield to men who aren't making any attempt to yield to me. I also don't let men steal my footroom or my armrests, and I don't apologize to them if they run into me or invade my personal space. Sometimes I say, "Excuse me," but not in the nice way. Sometimes I yell "MOVE!" or tell them to back off and step away from me, and sometimes I just let them hit me full force.
What I like the most about this is that it really puts the lie to the patronizing jerks who consider themselves to be chivalrous.
posted by ernielundquist at 12:44 PM on December 26, 2016 [15 favorites]
As someone who edits company materials, I update all the people in the examples to women (or nearly all, like 90%) so instead of Joe Smith I might put Tiffany Jones. It's very small but it's where I can have an effect.
When I teach a class I make a concerted effort to call on women, or ask their opinions.
I have also begun working on not apologizing for everything that isn't my fault (I might say "that's terrible!" but not "I'm sorry" about someone having a bad day, for example. If they bump into me, I try to say "Look out!" or "Careful!" and so on).
I made it politely plain to my boss from the beginning that if I send out documents with a meeting invite, everyone is expected to print those themselves; I don't make copies for people. If someone asks me to do a task that is not mine normally, and that is something their assistant or admin should see to, I politely let them know that I have other projects ongoing and can't take care of that for them. My boss backs me up on that too.
I mentor younger women when I can; I let them know when someone else is being unfair or expecting them to do emotional labor and tell them I have their back when saying no. Or wander casually into conversations where it looks like they're being intimidated and politely suggest that the speaker might be able to find another solution.
I seek out chances to socialize with and learn from other skilled women in my company. We don't always hit it off, but when we do, we both feel more powerful.
In fact, making networks with other women at work is one of the most powerful things you can do. You will know it's working by the fact that it makes some people a little nervous. It can be purely social (like the Blue Zones/"Moai" stuff, or book clubs, or happy hours) but you will be sharing information and maybe able to help one another succeed.
posted by emjaybee at 1:37 PM on December 26, 2016 [7 favorites]
When I teach a class I make a concerted effort to call on women, or ask their opinions.
I have also begun working on not apologizing for everything that isn't my fault (I might say "that's terrible!" but not "I'm sorry" about someone having a bad day, for example. If they bump into me, I try to say "Look out!" or "Careful!" and so on).
I made it politely plain to my boss from the beginning that if I send out documents with a meeting invite, everyone is expected to print those themselves; I don't make copies for people. If someone asks me to do a task that is not mine normally, and that is something their assistant or admin should see to, I politely let them know that I have other projects ongoing and can't take care of that for them. My boss backs me up on that too.
I mentor younger women when I can; I let them know when someone else is being unfair or expecting them to do emotional labor and tell them I have their back when saying no. Or wander casually into conversations where it looks like they're being intimidated and politely suggest that the speaker might be able to find another solution.
I seek out chances to socialize with and learn from other skilled women in my company. We don't always hit it off, but when we do, we both feel more powerful.
In fact, making networks with other women at work is one of the most powerful things you can do. You will know it's working by the fact that it makes some people a little nervous. It can be purely social (like the Blue Zones/"Moai" stuff, or book clubs, or happy hours) but you will be sharing information and maybe able to help one another succeed.
posted by emjaybee at 1:37 PM on December 26, 2016 [7 favorites]
I found this extension to chrome for gmail surprisingly enlightening! http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2015/12/29/new_chrome_app_helps_women_stop_saying_just_and_sorry_in_emails.html
posted by eglenner at 3:18 PM on December 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by eglenner at 3:18 PM on December 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have a couple of suggestions:
Remember intersectionality: disabled women exist, POC women exist, disabled POC women exist, etc. Make sure that in concentrating your gaze on women that it's not just white, able bodied women. Work to make sure these women's voices are amplified as well.
Also, trans women are women - it doesn't matter if they are on HRT, have had surgeries, if they 'pass' in the cis world, etc. There are some strains of feminism what work to obliterate trans rights in the name of feminism and 'women's spaces'; don't fall into that trap. (They're generally known as 'Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists').
posted by spinifex23 at 8:33 PM on December 26, 2016 [11 favorites]
Remember intersectionality: disabled women exist, POC women exist, disabled POC women exist, etc. Make sure that in concentrating your gaze on women that it's not just white, able bodied women. Work to make sure these women's voices are amplified as well.
Also, trans women are women - it doesn't matter if they are on HRT, have had surgeries, if they 'pass' in the cis world, etc. There are some strains of feminism what work to obliterate trans rights in the name of feminism and 'women's spaces'; don't fall into that trap. (They're generally known as 'Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists').
posted by spinifex23 at 8:33 PM on December 26, 2016 [11 favorites]
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posted by fingersandtoes at 9:06 AM on December 25, 2016 [38 favorites]