How did you survive parenting
February 13, 2024 5:56 PM Subscribe
Looking for your personal anecdotes (not books or podcasts) or shorts essays of how you or someone realized they needed to change their parenting style or do something radically different.
Parenting is really freaking hard. I want to hear about how others have handled it. Maybe you hit "rock bottom" and realized you needed to change things and then things started looking up. Or maybe things got worse! I guess I want to hear from other parents who have had unusually difficult time parenting whether it is because of circumstances outside of your control and/or your children or yourself are neurodivergent which makes things harder.
Parenting is really freaking hard. I want to hear about how others have handled it. Maybe you hit "rock bottom" and realized you needed to change things and then things started looking up. Or maybe things got worse! I guess I want to hear from other parents who have had unusually difficult time parenting whether it is because of circumstances outside of your control and/or your children or yourself are neurodivergent which makes things harder.
Response by poster: Like preschool / kindergarten 4-7. mostly looking for stories of hard time during these young stages
posted by mxjudyliza at 6:06 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]
posted by mxjudyliza at 6:06 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]
I don't know if it applies to you, but getting treated for a mental health condition can do wonders for one's ability to parent. Once I began treatment for a late-in-life diagnoses of Bipolar II Disorder and ADHD my abilities to parent improved drastically and made space for my child to start to heal from having grown up around *that*.
Many parents (myself included) could benefit from looking at their relationship with alcohol. Much modern socially acceptable drinking is often actually a level of alcohol abuse that can keep a parent from being fully present for a child in the way a child needs. I suspect that for most people chronic alcohol consumption is not complementary to fully participative parenting. And, it's a habit that saps a lot of energy that could be spent on so many things, including of course all the parenting things.
Parenting is hard. It gets even harder when we are hard on ourselves for how we do it. When they're young, our kids don't care. They're not judging us, they're not keeping score. They're just needing to be seen, to be heard, to be loved. Whatever we can give in service of those three needs will do so much for them both in the moment and in the longterm, and much of the rest of what we're told is important in the domain of parenting actually matters so little in comparison. Seen, heard, loved.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 6:57 PM on February 13 [26 favorites]
Many parents (myself included) could benefit from looking at their relationship with alcohol. Much modern socially acceptable drinking is often actually a level of alcohol abuse that can keep a parent from being fully present for a child in the way a child needs. I suspect that for most people chronic alcohol consumption is not complementary to fully participative parenting. And, it's a habit that saps a lot of energy that could be spent on so many things, including of course all the parenting things.
Parenting is hard. It gets even harder when we are hard on ourselves for how we do it. When they're young, our kids don't care. They're not judging us, they're not keeping score. They're just needing to be seen, to be heard, to be loved. Whatever we can give in service of those three needs will do so much for them both in the moment and in the longterm, and much of the rest of what we're told is important in the domain of parenting actually matters so little in comparison. Seen, heard, loved.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 6:57 PM on February 13 [26 favorites]
Also I remember parenting got somewhat easier when i realized my child would learn a lot more and be better off if instead of me doing or managing everything for them, I made space both for them to do it and for whatever mess might result from them trying to figure it out. I learned to get comfortable with the mess -- and stopped judging myself for there being a mess -- and started to see amazing things happen for the kid who got to learn to feel comfortable trying things on his own.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 7:13 PM on February 13 [22 favorites]
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 7:13 PM on February 13 [22 favorites]
Had some extraordinary challenges with one of my kids at that exact age for reasons I won’t go into. We got him into therapy, which also turned out to be parent therapy/coaching. It was like night and day. Totally shifted our approach to parenting and my kid’s behavior. That kid made dinner tonight (he’s much older now).
posted by bluedaisy at 10:44 PM on February 13 [5 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 10:44 PM on February 13 [5 favorites]
Being of a neurodivergent persuasion myself, nearly all the people I considered friends in my age cohort were the same, even if they weren’t diagnosed. One kid in particular was totally all over the place for years. His mom was friends with my mom and we went to the same synagogue and were in Hebrew school together. Often we were the only two kids who would speak to either of us in class, but also I learned after the fact that our moms would get together without us and worry and complain and trade tips about their difficult children. We had different things going on, but definitely were outside the norm. This was in the nineties so times were significantly different in this regard.
Anyway, when we were about ten or so, his mom went through a whole thing. She got licensed in some kind of way (I want to say nutritionist? Possibly dental hygienist? Either way she started making her own cash) and evidently separated from her husband (in retrospect she was so totally comphet, wow I haven’t thought about her for ages! I hope she is living her best life!) and also got herself and her kid into therapy.
From there my friend had his own transformation because he was diagnosed bipolar and started on meds, spending time away from his evidently shitty dad, and given tools to understand himself. Also, I only put together the dots later when we were in highschool, but as a younger kid he had been tormented in those evil autistic ABA classes because he was loosely labeled an Asperger’s kid, so he had a lot of unlearning horrendous bullshit to do, that he could only really do once his BPD was being wrangled. By the time we were having our bar and bat mitzvahs he was in a much better place and so was his mom. Me, not so much, 11-14 were easily some of the worst years of my life, but again, our shit was different. But he grew up to be big into drama club in high school and was friends with all the grips and techs and did all the quirky roles in the musicals every year. He got a theater scholarship for college, met a nice boy there, and these days iirc does a lot to support his mom because they are still pretty close.
By all accounts his mom managed to wrench her and her kid out of the depths on her own. I don’t know what caused the change; maybe she started therapy first and then got the job and money and willpower, maybe she did another thing first, maybe it was community support from the other women in the group her and my mom were involved in, maybe it was something I have no clue about. But it’s nice to remember her success story, so thanks for the reason to think about it! She kicked ass.
posted by Mizu at 11:52 PM on February 13 [2 favorites]
Anyway, when we were about ten or so, his mom went through a whole thing. She got licensed in some kind of way (I want to say nutritionist? Possibly dental hygienist? Either way she started making her own cash) and evidently separated from her husband (in retrospect she was so totally comphet, wow I haven’t thought about her for ages! I hope she is living her best life!) and also got herself and her kid into therapy.
From there my friend had his own transformation because he was diagnosed bipolar and started on meds, spending time away from his evidently shitty dad, and given tools to understand himself. Also, I only put together the dots later when we were in highschool, but as a younger kid he had been tormented in those evil autistic ABA classes because he was loosely labeled an Asperger’s kid, so he had a lot of unlearning horrendous bullshit to do, that he could only really do once his BPD was being wrangled. By the time we were having our bar and bat mitzvahs he was in a much better place and so was his mom. Me, not so much, 11-14 were easily some of the worst years of my life, but again, our shit was different. But he grew up to be big into drama club in high school and was friends with all the grips and techs and did all the quirky roles in the musicals every year. He got a theater scholarship for college, met a nice boy there, and these days iirc does a lot to support his mom because they are still pretty close.
By all accounts his mom managed to wrench her and her kid out of the depths on her own. I don’t know what caused the change; maybe she started therapy first and then got the job and money and willpower, maybe she did another thing first, maybe it was community support from the other women in the group her and my mom were involved in, maybe it was something I have no clue about. But it’s nice to remember her success story, so thanks for the reason to think about it! She kicked ass.
posted by Mizu at 11:52 PM on February 13 [2 favorites]
Parenting IS really hard. It's not just you/your family.
I'm hesitant to get into the weeds here, but I would say the fit-for-public-consumption recipe for success is:
posted by eirias at 6:38 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]
I'm hesitant to get into the weeds here, but I would say the fit-for-public-consumption recipe for success is:
- A good team outside the family. This means:
- Teachers who share your values and see your child as a full person.
- Therapists included as needed, with the same stipulation. For your child, for you, for your partner.
- Patience, and time. A wise person once told me: kids grow and change, that's the only way it happens.
posted by eirias at 6:38 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]
I got through a lot of hard parenting times by turning to my online discussion groups. It was very helpful to be able to say "Hey, this is happening & I don't know what to do" or "Is this normal or something I should worry about?" I definitely learned a lot from the other parents & changed how I approach some things.
I'd like to invite you to join the Metafilter parenting group on Facebook. It's a great group of people with kids at many ages & stages & levels of neuro-spicyness. Message sestaaak to join.
posted by belladonna at 7:00 AM on February 14 [7 favorites]
I'd like to invite you to join the Metafilter parenting group on Facebook. It's a great group of people with kids at many ages & stages & levels of neuro-spicyness. Message sestaaak to join.
posted by belladonna at 7:00 AM on February 14 [7 favorites]
Two things that helped me (neurodivergent, from a household that didn't always deal with kids kindly) were:
1) There is rarely any value in getting up in your feelings about something your kid did wrong. This includes being mad, but it also includes being sad if they break something, disappointed if they did something really crappy, overly amused if they did something hilariously stupid, etc.
2) It's far more valuable to discuss process than to critique results/assign blame. "You got in trouble at school because you were cranky from staying up too late!" may be true, but it isn't useful. "Why do you got so mad at school? You were tired? Remember how you didn't want to go to sleep? How could we make that easier for you so you don't wake up cranky from not getting enough sleep?" That is useful.
Being someone who is always supportive, always loving, always acknowledges the kid's feelings, and will always talk things through calmly and respectfully will get you and your kid better results and a happier life than any lecture, regime, or punishment you can try to impose.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:09 AM on February 14 [7 favorites]
1) There is rarely any value in getting up in your feelings about something your kid did wrong. This includes being mad, but it also includes being sad if they break something, disappointed if they did something really crappy, overly amused if they did something hilariously stupid, etc.
2) It's far more valuable to discuss process than to critique results/assign blame. "You got in trouble at school because you were cranky from staying up too late!" may be true, but it isn't useful. "Why do you got so mad at school? You were tired? Remember how you didn't want to go to sleep? How could we make that easier for you so you don't wake up cranky from not getting enough sleep?" That is useful.
Being someone who is always supportive, always loving, always acknowledges the kid's feelings, and will always talk things through calmly and respectfully will get you and your kid better results and a happier life than any lecture, regime, or punishment you can try to impose.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:09 AM on February 14 [7 favorites]
One of ours went through A Phase of behavior that we simply couldn't fix, even with the experience of older siblings. Rewards, threats, begging, time-outs, giving orders, making ultimatums, doing the thing for them.... It was super discouraging for the two of us, and was spilling over to the other kids in the family.
At our pediatrician's suggestion, we sought professional counseling for our child (at a center run by a nearby university) -- and holy hell IT WORKED. This helped the entire household, and it was like a weight coming off of our shoulders. Their solution wasn't much more than a kind of light talk therapy for the child, and specific advice to us for identifying the behaviors and rewarding the good ones. If someone had described this to us I would have said "We already tried that" -- so maybe it was having the two therapists involved (and not us)??
Anyway, definitely ask your network of doctors, teachers, and everyone for ideas, and then try them.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:13 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]
At our pediatrician's suggestion, we sought professional counseling for our child (at a center run by a nearby university) -- and holy hell IT WORKED. This helped the entire household, and it was like a weight coming off of our shoulders. Their solution wasn't much more than a kind of light talk therapy for the child, and specific advice to us for identifying the behaviors and rewarding the good ones. If someone had described this to us I would have said "We already tried that" -- so maybe it was having the two therapists involved (and not us)??
Anyway, definitely ask your network of doctors, teachers, and everyone for ideas, and then try them.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:13 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]
There have been several "rock bottom" moments for me, especially during the lockdown phase of the pandemic.
- Crying uncontrollable at the breakfast table in front of my daughter
- Disassociating and sitting like a rock while my child tried to get me to play
- Crying every time we would drive somewhere and trying to do it secretly
- Crying in the bathroom at night
These have all been moments when I "can't take it anymore" and I've realized that something about our *system* was broken (props to my partner for helping me learn it was our system not *me*). The first thing to take care, always, is some sort of break for me. This has taken the form of choosing not to do something and napping every day, a hotel night away from the house, a visit to our local aquafloat (some people recommend massages but I don't like them). But breaks can be smaller too --- like washing my hands very slowly under warm water, doing an extra long conditioning treatment for my hair, taking time to apply lotion after a shower, or even just doing the "full cycle" of the electric toothbrush. I recognize that these are hygiene tasks and therefore not true breaks, but what I try to do is really *feel* the sensations of doing them and take pleasure in those sensations.
Next up, identify the things that make me mad and frustrated and either stop doing them for a time period or off load them. I know that this may look different in different households, but unless it's going to kill us or seriously harm us, it's on the table to stop doing it. I stop brushing hair. I put shoes in backpacks if its a battle to get them on feet. I ask my partner to do school drop off for a week or even a day. I stop folding clothes. We have PBJ every night. We miss our extracurriculars. We watch.a lot of screens. It's temporary, it's not forever, and its necessary for me to collect myself and make a plan.
My biggest growth/change always comes from going "too far" with gentle or respective parenting. Over and over again, I've realized what I'm actually doing is having NO BOUNDARIES about my self and what I need. I've been ignoring my anger, my needs, my autonomy to put everyone else first. I don't give up on gentle/respective parenting, but I do decide that some things are a hard no for me. What I've found is that I need to constantly reset to remember to stand up for myself.
You are not alone. This stuff is hard. And it's bullshit that it's all happening in the private sphere without real support set up.
posted by CMcG at 7:16 AM on February 14 [9 favorites]
- Crying uncontrollable at the breakfast table in front of my daughter
- Disassociating and sitting like a rock while my child tried to get me to play
- Crying every time we would drive somewhere and trying to do it secretly
- Crying in the bathroom at night
These have all been moments when I "can't take it anymore" and I've realized that something about our *system* was broken (props to my partner for helping me learn it was our system not *me*). The first thing to take care, always, is some sort of break for me. This has taken the form of choosing not to do something and napping every day, a hotel night away from the house, a visit to our local aquafloat (some people recommend massages but I don't like them). But breaks can be smaller too --- like washing my hands very slowly under warm water, doing an extra long conditioning treatment for my hair, taking time to apply lotion after a shower, or even just doing the "full cycle" of the electric toothbrush. I recognize that these are hygiene tasks and therefore not true breaks, but what I try to do is really *feel* the sensations of doing them and take pleasure in those sensations.
Next up, identify the things that make me mad and frustrated and either stop doing them for a time period or off load them. I know that this may look different in different households, but unless it's going to kill us or seriously harm us, it's on the table to stop doing it. I stop brushing hair. I put shoes in backpacks if its a battle to get them on feet. I ask my partner to do school drop off for a week or even a day. I stop folding clothes. We have PBJ every night. We miss our extracurriculars. We watch.a lot of screens. It's temporary, it's not forever, and its necessary for me to collect myself and make a plan.
My biggest growth/change always comes from going "too far" with gentle or respective parenting. Over and over again, I've realized what I'm actually doing is having NO BOUNDARIES about my self and what I need. I've been ignoring my anger, my needs, my autonomy to put everyone else first. I don't give up on gentle/respective parenting, but I do decide that some things are a hard no for me. What I've found is that I need to constantly reset to remember to stand up for myself.
You are not alone. This stuff is hard. And it's bullshit that it's all happening in the private sphere without real support set up.
posted by CMcG at 7:16 AM on February 14 [9 favorites]
It seems like different kids are hard at different stages (though not all equally hard overall). And of course the younger stages are particularly hard for most people.
Some kids are especially challenging in some way. I have a kid who hates sleep. She's always fought sleep and needed far less total sleep than average, and I see no signs of that changing. It was particularly hard at the newborn stage when she was also struggling with eating, so it would be a 45-60minute feed followed by maybe 20-30 minutes of sleep, which is coincidentally also the exact time I need to fall asleep. She would also scream for hours straight - even while being held and comforted - every night for the first 6-8 months, for reasons that never became completely clear (likely some combination of "colic", reflux, milk allergy, and/or just not wanting to sleep). What little I recall of the baby stage is a blur of misery. This gradually lessened and things are much much better now at age 2.5, but she still doesn't sleep well and has some nights with a lot of crying for unclear reasons (last night she woke up crying literally every 15-30 minutes all night and was hard to resettle every time, which is unusually bad even considering the cold that she has). I am neurodivergent and sensitive to sounds, and the intense infant screaming was extremely difficult for me to get through. The occasional loud tantrum now is hard for me to tolerate too. I suspect that my child is neurodivergent as well, although she's not having very many struggles at the moment besides sleep.
I also had an unusually difficult time for a long time because my partner insisted on certain things that made our lives much harder than they needed to be (e.g. no babysitting even from family, no hired cleaners or any help from family who offered, extensive OCD-related "cleanliness" rules that were non-negotiable and made every minute of everyday life more difficult, and the list goes on). Although he at least tried to do half the work, it wasn't always fair (e.g. I was the one up with the baby all night every night without exception, while he slept late both weekend days) and we both had almost no time to relax and breathe a little. After I left, life got so much easier. Not suggesting that this is the case for you, but in my case, I didn't realize how much those things were crushing me until I was living separately and the weight was gone.
I know other parents have different challenges too, even if they lucked out in the sleep department. Some of the other kids her age have remarkably intense tantrums, for example. Parenting is really hard for a lot of people and it's usually not something you're doing wrong, more the luck of the draw.
I think we also see a very biased perspective from seeing other kids out in public, because those are much more likely to be the extra-chill kids who rarely fuss (because they're easy to bring everywhere, so why not?), or average kids having one of their better days (because the ones having an epic tantrum that day were already dragged home). The most struggling parents are much more likely to stay home - we almost never left the house for the first 1.5 years. It was inconceivable to bring her out for a casual restaurant or coffee date like so I see so many parents doing, because she was just constantly screaming at that age.
posted by randomnity at 7:33 AM on February 14 [6 favorites]
Some kids are especially challenging in some way. I have a kid who hates sleep. She's always fought sleep and needed far less total sleep than average, and I see no signs of that changing. It was particularly hard at the newborn stage when she was also struggling with eating, so it would be a 45-60minute feed followed by maybe 20-30 minutes of sleep, which is coincidentally also the exact time I need to fall asleep. She would also scream for hours straight - even while being held and comforted - every night for the first 6-8 months, for reasons that never became completely clear (likely some combination of "colic", reflux, milk allergy, and/or just not wanting to sleep). What little I recall of the baby stage is a blur of misery. This gradually lessened and things are much much better now at age 2.5, but she still doesn't sleep well and has some nights with a lot of crying for unclear reasons (last night she woke up crying literally every 15-30 minutes all night and was hard to resettle every time, which is unusually bad even considering the cold that she has). I am neurodivergent and sensitive to sounds, and the intense infant screaming was extremely difficult for me to get through. The occasional loud tantrum now is hard for me to tolerate too. I suspect that my child is neurodivergent as well, although she's not having very many struggles at the moment besides sleep.
I also had an unusually difficult time for a long time because my partner insisted on certain things that made our lives much harder than they needed to be (e.g. no babysitting even from family, no hired cleaners or any help from family who offered, extensive OCD-related "cleanliness" rules that were non-negotiable and made every minute of everyday life more difficult, and the list goes on). Although he at least tried to do half the work, it wasn't always fair (e.g. I was the one up with the baby all night every night without exception, while he slept late both weekend days) and we both had almost no time to relax and breathe a little. After I left, life got so much easier. Not suggesting that this is the case for you, but in my case, I didn't realize how much those things were crushing me until I was living separately and the weight was gone.
I know other parents have different challenges too, even if they lucked out in the sleep department. Some of the other kids her age have remarkably intense tantrums, for example. Parenting is really hard for a lot of people and it's usually not something you're doing wrong, more the luck of the draw.
I think we also see a very biased perspective from seeing other kids out in public, because those are much more likely to be the extra-chill kids who rarely fuss (because they're easy to bring everywhere, so why not?), or average kids having one of their better days (because the ones having an epic tantrum that day were already dragged home). The most struggling parents are much more likely to stay home - we almost never left the house for the first 1.5 years. It was inconceivable to bring her out for a casual restaurant or coffee date like so I see so many parents doing, because she was just constantly screaming at that age.
posted by randomnity at 7:33 AM on February 14 [6 favorites]
Sorry, I realized I got distracted ranting and didn't actually answer the question. Things that helped/still help me survive: ear plugs, improving my sleep hygiene so I could fall asleep faster (for me a weighted blanket, sound machine and avoiding screens before bed all helped), deep breaths (seriously) and doing the absolute bare minimum on things like cleaning. Lowering standards for meals when things are harder. Accepting help from friends/family and trying to get relaxation time for myself when I can (now that I can). And most importantly, accepting that my kid was never going to sleep the number of hours that most kids do, or have the early bedtime that most kids do. Bedtime is a million times easier now that she goes to bed at 9pm (still takes about an hour after that to fall asleep, but usually isn't screaming about it anymore). I can't change the amount of sleep she needs but changing my expectations helped.
posted by randomnity at 7:48 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]
posted by randomnity at 7:48 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]
I have an atypically developing kid, I have multiple disabilities, my husband has his own issues, we have limited support, things just sort of go off the rails, some stages and days are great other times I cry three times by 8 am.
I'm parenting in hard mode.
I haven't radically changed my parenting so much as I've radically changed *myself.*
I have worked my butt off to achieve a sense of inner peace and equilibrium.
And then a lot of things flow from that.
I radically accept my child and teach her to be the happiest, best version of herself, instead of trying to mold her into who I envisioned.
I radically accept that my spouse isn't always going to be on the same page as me, isn't always going to have a growth mindset, and I am not responsible for him or his health. I can only communicate respectfully and let the chips fall where they may.
I've radically accepted myself and that some factors in my life can't be changed, only managed. I also can't live up to everything I imagined for myself as a mother. So I do my best, if I mess up I apologize, and I remind myself that there's always another chance.
As I just told my kid on our walk to school, a bad morning doesn't mean a bad day. We can turn it around.
A tough start to parenting doesn't mean it's tough forever. I can turn it around.
posted by champers at 7:51 AM on February 14 [6 favorites]
I'm parenting in hard mode.
I haven't radically changed my parenting so much as I've radically changed *myself.*
I have worked my butt off to achieve a sense of inner peace and equilibrium.
And then a lot of things flow from that.
I radically accept my child and teach her to be the happiest, best version of herself, instead of trying to mold her into who I envisioned.
I radically accept that my spouse isn't always going to be on the same page as me, isn't always going to have a growth mindset, and I am not responsible for him or his health. I can only communicate respectfully and let the chips fall where they may.
I've radically accepted myself and that some factors in my life can't be changed, only managed. I also can't live up to everything I imagined for myself as a mother. So I do my best, if I mess up I apologize, and I remind myself that there's always another chance.
As I just told my kid on our walk to school, a bad morning doesn't mean a bad day. We can turn it around.
A tough start to parenting doesn't mean it's tough forever. I can turn it around.
posted by champers at 7:51 AM on February 14 [6 favorites]
Also...maybe do some research into whether your kid has some food allergies. See a nutritionist. My daughter had a gluten intolerance that caused her to have crazy mood swings. It wasn't celiac or anything as noticeable, she never got "sick" from it but it still affected her. Things got better after the gluten was gone.
There could be that or other things going on. Diet and food is massively important and affects a lot of things. Good luck.
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:08 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]
There could be that or other things going on. Diet and food is massively important and affects a lot of things. Good luck.
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:08 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]
We tried to be hands-off parents, but one of my kids was getting into fights on-line, so now their media consumption has to be strictly controlled and monitored, which is easier said than done. The other is 100% fine as far as ipads and whatnot goes.
We also had some middle school issues we tried to get a therapist for, but that's been a complete failure so far. Our last therapist just quit, because our daughter didn't say much too her. Thanks, I thought getting kids to talk was part of your job. Guess not.
My other kid has an easy going personality but had some vision problems, and the school was just passing her along. We got that fixed and now she's doing pretty good.
My opinion is that parenting is hard because any issue you get good at, your next kid won't have that same issue, so you are always learning and never really getting to just apply past knowledge.
Our younger literally has no outside interests beyond Roblox, now that she's basically outgrown toys, so trying to find an activity has been a challenge. The other is great at gymnastics, sports, dance, etc.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:41 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]
We also had some middle school issues we tried to get a therapist for, but that's been a complete failure so far. Our last therapist just quit, because our daughter didn't say much too her. Thanks, I thought getting kids to talk was part of your job. Guess not.
My other kid has an easy going personality but had some vision problems, and the school was just passing her along. We got that fixed and now she's doing pretty good.
My opinion is that parenting is hard because any issue you get good at, your next kid won't have that same issue, so you are always learning and never really getting to just apply past knowledge.
Our younger literally has no outside interests beyond Roblox, now that she's basically outgrown toys, so trying to find an activity has been a challenge. The other is great at gymnastics, sports, dance, etc.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:41 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]
When my life became unmanageable, I knew something had to change. Can't keep doing the same thing and expecting new results. I was acting like a deranged person.
So I discovered through trial and error that I needed to talk less and use short direct concrete sentences. I'm an overanalyzer and I process things verbally, my kiddo is not. That took a lot of practice for me. But now stuff gets done.
Through listening to Becky Kennedys podcast I learned to help them verbalize their feelings safely and help them regulate their emotions. We feel more connected and that connection gets us through the inevitable hard times.
Our life is more manageable.
posted by SyraCarol at 8:59 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]
So I discovered through trial and error that I needed to talk less and use short direct concrete sentences. I'm an overanalyzer and I process things verbally, my kiddo is not. That took a lot of practice for me. But now stuff gets done.
Through listening to Becky Kennedys podcast I learned to help them verbalize their feelings safely and help them regulate their emotions. We feel more connected and that connection gets us through the inevitable hard times.
Our life is more manageable.
posted by SyraCarol at 8:59 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]
My kids were challenging for all sorts of reasons. I never thought of myself as an authoritarian parent, but ended up realizing that I needed to step back even more with my autistic and oppositional kids, and take their perspectives and problem solving abilities even more seriously than my own. When a conflict arose (which happened 20+ times a day...), asking them how to solve it was the most productive first step.
And developing my positive relationship with them was the best way to improve all of our lives. Each positive interaction paid off in reducing the number of future negative interactions because they had more faith that we were on the same team.
posted by metasarah at 9:07 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]
And developing my positive relationship with them was the best way to improve all of our lives. Each positive interaction paid off in reducing the number of future negative interactions because they had more faith that we were on the same team.
posted by metasarah at 9:07 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]
I have a group of friends that I've known since high school. My kids are the youngest of all of our kids and whenever I went to visit my friends, I'd notice how polite and helpful their kids were and would be upset with myself over it. Then one day I realized, "wait, her kids are at least 5 years older than my kids. They've had 5 more years to help their kids get to this stage." That really helped me to stop beating myself over it and start looking at the qualities that I liked about their kids and use that as a goal for how I wanted my kids to be. That one moment really took a big weight off of my shoulders and helped me focus on what I can do now instead of thinking I was behind the curve and would never catch up.
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:07 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:07 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]
Going through this now, with a kiddo who's neurodivergent AND gifted ("twice exceptional", if you're googling), who was asked to leave multiple schools before kindergarten, who had 2 tutors during the pandemic quit because they couldn't handle him in 1st grade, and whose cope rope is so short, he's constantly triggered into fight-or-flight mode. (He's never taken to flight.) In his early years I read all the parenting books I could get my hands on, but the kids they described were nothing like mine.
We're a couple years further into this journey than you are, and still by all means a work in progress as parents and humans. Our answer so far has been building knowledge and support in equal measure. This kid needs a lot of scaffolding.
- Had a neuro psych evaluation done privately, not through school. This helped us understand the underlying issues that were creating various symptoms. Addressing symptoms was like playing whack-a-mole, but understanding the underlying differences and needs let us have greater impact with fewer interventions.
- Figured out the types of adults he responds best to, and worked hard to make sure his daily caregivers fit that type. If things are not set up for success at school/daycare/aftercare, it bleeds into every other aspect of life. Having a hard kid means having to find people who see him as needing more/specific support, rather than being bad. For a minute in preschool he started to internalize the "bad kid" narrative about himself, which is hard to come back from. Prevent this if you can!
- Tried all the different types of support, to see what works. We've tried OT, speech therapy, play therapy, social skills groups, solution oriented family therapy, parenting courses, specific sports/activities, individual aides, medical support, private school, public school, moving to a smaller town with better services... it takes a while to find equilibrium, but his behavior and demeanor shows us when we have it right. Then it changes, and we keep tweaking. Getting it right the first time is the hardest because there are so many variables.
- Learned what we're actually entitled to, support-wise. We learned that private schools don't offer the kind of support our kid needs unless they're specifically geared toward that type of support, but public schools are legally required to supply it once we put an IEP in place. There's a lot available if you ask for it, and there are advocates you can pay if you are having a hard time getting the school to cooperate or follow through.
- Found trauma-informed parenting. This was the thing that eventually resonated with our family. Let's be honest: anyone who lived through the pandemic qualifies as having had trauma in their lives. Your kids may be showing the effects of it even if their trauma didn't register to you as being traumatic. At any rate, it's a whole different toolkit to draw from and see what works.
- Learned to take ideas from everywhere. I borrow tactics from the autism playbook even though my son isn't autistic. I listen to the Neurodiversity Podcast even when they're not talking about an issue I think applies to my family. Anyone who's had to be creative in parenting has something to teach me.
- Self care is tricky. When your kid is Extra, and you've learned the precise ways to structure life for the smoothest outcomes, it can be nigh on impossible to get what you need as a parent. I always have to laugh at the mismatch between people's suggestions and my real life. But I once read that there are 2 kinds of self care, the long-term kind that fortifies and nourishes you as part of your routine, and the acute kind for moments when you're at the end of your cope rope. Brainstorm one or two from each of those categories, and work hard to integrate them.
- Surrounded ourselves with people who understand. Nothing is worse than watching other people judge both you and your child, especially for things you're actively working really hard on. We have to mix with these folx sometimes, but if we can spend more time with people who can accept that the journey we're on is hard and that we're doing the best we can, we feel much better about ourselves and even our missteps. Parenthood takes a village, and making one is worth the effort in spades.
- Found things we all actually like to do. It's so tempting to let our son be the "majority of 1" and to just do what he needs and wants all the time. We've worked hard to find things we all like to do, and integrate those into our routines. For us it's hiking, board games, and watching sports. There's a lot more we used to like doing pre-kiddo that we can't do now (yet?), but this way at least we still have some of our interests.
Good luck with this. It IS hard, and you ARE working harder than most. But how much worse would your life be if you weren't?!
posted by nadise at 11:32 AM on February 14 [9 favorites]
We're a couple years further into this journey than you are, and still by all means a work in progress as parents and humans. Our answer so far has been building knowledge and support in equal measure. This kid needs a lot of scaffolding.
- Had a neuro psych evaluation done privately, not through school. This helped us understand the underlying issues that were creating various symptoms. Addressing symptoms was like playing whack-a-mole, but understanding the underlying differences and needs let us have greater impact with fewer interventions.
- Figured out the types of adults he responds best to, and worked hard to make sure his daily caregivers fit that type. If things are not set up for success at school/daycare/aftercare, it bleeds into every other aspect of life. Having a hard kid means having to find people who see him as needing more/specific support, rather than being bad. For a minute in preschool he started to internalize the "bad kid" narrative about himself, which is hard to come back from. Prevent this if you can!
- Tried all the different types of support, to see what works. We've tried OT, speech therapy, play therapy, social skills groups, solution oriented family therapy, parenting courses, specific sports/activities, individual aides, medical support, private school, public school, moving to a smaller town with better services... it takes a while to find equilibrium, but his behavior and demeanor shows us when we have it right. Then it changes, and we keep tweaking. Getting it right the first time is the hardest because there are so many variables.
- Learned what we're actually entitled to, support-wise. We learned that private schools don't offer the kind of support our kid needs unless they're specifically geared toward that type of support, but public schools are legally required to supply it once we put an IEP in place. There's a lot available if you ask for it, and there are advocates you can pay if you are having a hard time getting the school to cooperate or follow through.
- Found trauma-informed parenting. This was the thing that eventually resonated with our family. Let's be honest: anyone who lived through the pandemic qualifies as having had trauma in their lives. Your kids may be showing the effects of it even if their trauma didn't register to you as being traumatic. At any rate, it's a whole different toolkit to draw from and see what works.
- Learned to take ideas from everywhere. I borrow tactics from the autism playbook even though my son isn't autistic. I listen to the Neurodiversity Podcast even when they're not talking about an issue I think applies to my family. Anyone who's had to be creative in parenting has something to teach me.
- Self care is tricky. When your kid is Extra, and you've learned the precise ways to structure life for the smoothest outcomes, it can be nigh on impossible to get what you need as a parent. I always have to laugh at the mismatch between people's suggestions and my real life. But I once read that there are 2 kinds of self care, the long-term kind that fortifies and nourishes you as part of your routine, and the acute kind for moments when you're at the end of your cope rope. Brainstorm one or two from each of those categories, and work hard to integrate them.
- Surrounded ourselves with people who understand. Nothing is worse than watching other people judge both you and your child, especially for things you're actively working really hard on. We have to mix with these folx sometimes, but if we can spend more time with people who can accept that the journey we're on is hard and that we're doing the best we can, we feel much better about ourselves and even our missteps. Parenthood takes a village, and making one is worth the effort in spades.
- Found things we all actually like to do. It's so tempting to let our son be the "majority of 1" and to just do what he needs and wants all the time. We've worked hard to find things we all like to do, and integrate those into our routines. For us it's hiking, board games, and watching sports. There's a lot more we used to like doing pre-kiddo that we can't do now (yet?), but this way at least we still have some of our interests.
Good luck with this. It IS hard, and you ARE working harder than most. But how much worse would your life be if you weren't?!
posted by nadise at 11:32 AM on February 14 [9 favorites]
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posted by slidell at 6:01 PM on February 13 [4 favorites]