Loss with Grief

February 6, 2024 12:05 PM

The new song I'm writing is about loss, especially loss that causes significant grief. For example I have a verse about the death of a loved one. What loss can you tell me about? To be clear, I'm looking for kinds of loss other than the one I mention.
posted by falsedmitri to Human Relations (30 answers total)

The loss of Home, when you go back after being away for many years, and it's not the same.
posted by Rash at 12:08 PM on February 6 [5 favorites]

I was just talking today to the parent of a teenager and reminding them about the unimaginable, incomperable grief of your first in-love breakup. You've never felt this bad before and you literally cannot imagine that this much pain is surviveable because you don't have the experience to know that you will, in fact, get through this.

The next 27 times suck as well but at least you know you will surivive because you already did survive.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:12 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Some types of loss are really a type of disillusionment. As in "the person I was in love with turns out to be different from the person I thought I was in love with." But they were always that person, and now you need to reckon with the mismatch between your perception and reality.

Sometimes that person is you yourself. As in, "I had this image of myself as being a certain type of person, but when push came to shove, it turns out I was not."

The loss of a pet is different from the loss of a (human) loved one.
posted by adamrice at 12:21 PM on February 6 [11 favorites]

Best answer: Losing a person before they're gone. I helped care for a family member in the final few years of their life, as they slipped into severe dementia. I had to mourn them before they had passed, because despite being around them daily, the version of them I knew was already gone. By the time the actual "loss" happened I was already at the acceptance stage.

I also feel like a type of loss we don't often talk about in society is the loss of platonic friendships. We can often have friendships that take up just as much of our time and emotional energy as romantic partnerships, but we're not supposed to grieve them when they end. Grief from the loss of a friendship is often seen as weak or pathetic, whereas we never ascribe this judgment to loss of familial relationships or romantic ones, which just adds to the sting of it all.
posted by Pemberly at 12:25 PM on February 6 [13 favorites]

Best answer: I lost my "youth" overnight. That is, I was in my sixties already but still felt young. I was independent, active, and putting in too many hours at work. Since my injury, I use a walker to get around outside the house and I'm hunched over like the old woman I've apparently become. As a grey-haired woman in her sixties in a modern city, I was used to being invisible, but after my injury and now as an old woman, I am suddenly unwanted.

Probably not the stuff of a hit song, but a loss nonetheless.

PS: I'm also trying various ways to recover from that loss, and fighting my hardest.
posted by angiep at 12:26 PM on February 6 [13 favorites]

Best answer: I had to reckon with grief recently over the loss of the childhood I did not have, and the parents I deserved but did not get, and how that loss has caused so many other losses over the years. That is the biggest grief I have ever felt.
posted by biblioPHL at 12:42 PM on February 6 [12 favorites]

I had to decide to let my mum go, turn off the machines. It feels like a different grief than when my dad died unexpectedly, but that death was also a relief, which seems to be similar to the grief from when my MIL died. Relief that her pain was gone, but sad about her death.

The platonic friendship that Pemberly mentioned- I've just lost one and I'm struggling with the unfairness of it all. Of that person making a decision about me, and not having the opportunity to defend myself. So the loss of the friendship, plus the loss of my reputation? Not sure that's the right word, but I know its what I'm trying to come to terms with
posted by Ftsqg at 12:44 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

Loss of your home country, as felt by immigrants is a real thing. These sculptures are supposed to evoke that and the article discusses the feeling.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:53 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Today I just threw out half of my old photographs. Lots of them were just of people and places I didn’t care about, and just as many were painful reminders (my mother selling her house, a trip abroad in high school that was miserable, an ex-friend’s wedding) that I didn’t need to see again, and whoever finds my stuff will give even less of a shit. But it was such a sad reminder of loss, of time passing by, of experiences I will never have again. We are here for such a short time.
posted by Melismata at 12:56 PM on February 6 [6 favorites]

- Relationship (divorce, breakup)
- Freedom (incarceration, slavery)
- Fertility and parenthood (miscarriage, pregnancy loss, infertility, loss of parental rights)
- Innocence (children that suffered abuse, especially sexual abuse)
- Health (illness or injury)
- Culture (genocide, colonization)
- Wealth (layoffs and other unpredictable events leading to poverty are triggers)
- Home (fire, flood, natural disaster)
- Safety (war, harassment, violence)
posted by shock muppet at 1:08 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

Loss of employment.

Loss that comes from betrayal (i.e., you've just learned that the person you thought was your BFF for 10 years has secretly been stealing from you all that time or something).

Loss of faith in your country (one of the saddest things I've ever heard my father say was "I used to think this was the greatest country in the world...but I don't think that any more").

Loss of faith in an institution, club, or religion that at one time brought you great comfort but you're realizing you don't fit in any more.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:09 PM on February 6 [6 favorites]

Loss of self, that is, loss of your own identity. This can happen in so many ways. You lose someone who is your link to your identity, say as a mother or a spouse. You see yourself as a careful, conscientious person and then make a grievous mistake that results in harm. You identify strongly with your profession and then fuck something up resulting in the loss of your professional license. You're physically beautiful and suffer a disfiguring injury. You're an accomplished athlete and suffer a disabling injury. All of these things are a loss on the surface (the loss of the loved one, the license, the beauty, etc.) but they are also a loss of identity.
posted by HotToddy at 1:17 PM on February 6 [4 favorites]

There was a television show I really loved (bear with me) and a character I adored who I felt really connected to and the shows creator killed him off in this really violent abusive way after making him suffer all season long.

And it had, originally, been this incredibly fun, playful, joyous, funny show.

It was so sadistic that I can't re-watch any of the shows or read any fan fiction or anything, and it was this really fun thing I had going on for a few years, just kind of like 'feeling blue? Watch a couple of these shows. You'll cheer right up.' It was a sanctuary, a respite. Comforting.

And then it was gone.

And it was real grief, not just like 'show/book/movie gave me the sads, didn't work out like I wanted' it was like a real betrayal that scorched everything that came before. I understand the concept of stories, having consumed popular culture for five decades like all the other fifty-somethings. I have a masters in English (and a BA, because I never learn apparently), which I mention only to reinforce: oh boy am I used to characters being treated badly, roughed up, and breaking my heart by dying. Then having to write calm essays about it.

This was not that.

Contemptible.

Breaking the contract with the reader/audience....oooof.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:34 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

Being permanently childless-not-by-choice, whether through infertility, ill-health or circumstance, is generally recognised as a form of grief these days. It's disenfranchised grief, because you're greiving for someone/people who never actually got to exist, as well as grieving the loss of the life you'd hoped you might have.
posted by penguin pie at 2:44 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]

Oh, I have another: loss of one's country, or the idea of a country.

After the 2016 US election, a couple of times I just sat in parking lots and cried. I have never had a patriotic cell in my body, never sang the national anthem, was one of those kids who wouldn't say the pledge of allegiance, so I was shocked by the sorrow I felt. I always felt like countries were sort of arbitrary and stupid, as if you'd wander from one country to another and there would be like an outline you crossed over. It seemed ludicrous. Everybody is born somewhere. It's not like we work for it.

It took a long time, maybe the full four years, to get through mourning my country, but to be honest, it doesn't really exist to me anymore. It's like a fake marriage. Sure, I'm here, but where else could I go? Where could I take my family? It doesn't ache like it did, but it's definitely a thing.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:45 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

The loss of someone you haven't seen or thought about in a long time. Of an author whose work was formative. Of a dog, and its unconditional love. Of a place you once knew. Of an object you dismissed as unimportant but now understand as a link to the past. Of senses. Of someone who was a loose bond in your community or neighborhood. Of a species. Of seasonal things you took for granted (the lack of Japanese beetles against the windshield in summer). Of a dish that was made a certain way (the sous chef who made an inspired wild mushroom cream soup, and I will never eat it again at the staff meal). Of safety. Of being able to imagine a calm and happy future for your children. Of a teacher or mentor. Of the belief that many things are open to you. Of the ideals of marriage. Of your understanding of a thing, when you realize how wrong you were about it and how many decisions you made on the basis of that understanding. Of your understanding of self. Of the possibility to make things right, to get an apology, to forgive.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:28 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

Loss of a community, or your membership in that community
Loss of a place that was more than a place, like a favorite restaurant
Loss of an item, like a sentimental object down a storm drain
posted by knile at 3:31 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

When my wife left it was a complete loss. I have a co-worker whose spouse died around the same time and they say they don't envy me because at least their spouse didn't *choose* to leave. They didn't have to deal with rejection and betrayal, just a tragic death.

I've shared it before on here but I'll say it again: my spouse left me and immediately married my best friend. And I lived 2,000 miles from my family, so my extended family (to hang out with on holidays) disappeared too. And my "best friend" was the son of an elder at our church, so I had to stop going there too. And I lost my kids four nights a week (I tucked them into bed every single night of their lives pre-divorce with stories and songs). Basically I was left stranded in a city where I suddenly didn't know anybody and my only connections were my co-workers.

In many ways it was worse than death because I still have to interact with the people who hurt me the most.
posted by tacodave at 4:36 PM on February 6 [4 favorites]

Coping with the loss of a thing you never had, like the love and acceptance from a parent.
posted by beccaj at 6:09 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

Finding out that an ex-lover from several decades ago died a number of years back.
posted by matildaben at 6:11 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]

I have chronically ill kid. He was a normal kid until one day he wasn't, and there's currently no way to fix him. It's not life threatening, but the quality of life isn't great.

With every surgery there's a new list of things he'll never be able to do. It's like losing him a little more each time.

As a parent I expected we'd get to experience all the usual things. He'd have friends from school and they'd come over to the house, watch movies, eat pizza. He'd go to middle school, high school, I'd teach him how to drive. We'd go camping, we'd do a million things.

It's hard to look at pictures of him from before he got sick. I lost my happy little kid, and we lost our potential healthy futures.

Nobody writes songs about sick kids. Maybe it's too sad.

Anyways, there are bright spots, and good times. Gotta keep focused on those.
posted by DrumsIntheDeep at 6:46 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]

Loss of culture: Either you grow old and the culture changes, or you change locations. It's so many tiny things - idioms, the spices, knowing what to buy, the familiar palette of colours, the rhythms of the music that you hear throughout the day in public spaces, the shared literature...

Loss of someone to mental illness

Becoming handicapped

Loss of freedom of movement: Kids are no longer free range, and in many parts of the world adults aren't either.

No longer being of use to anybody. Not having someone to do for.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:05 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

*** I know you wanted something different than loss of a loved one, and this is the loss of a dream... see the end note below.

The loss of dreams you shared with a loved one that will never be realized, and knowing that life will never be the same again.
The amazing and incredible, interwoven plans that could only be possible through knowing each other's skill sets, appreciating each other's uniqueness and desires ~ only to have those dreams dashed in one fell swoop of fate. You know there will never be another who would have the capacity to dream like that and make headway into manifesting that life together. You know that your world/the universe has to contract, just like an elastic band stretched so far that it breaks --- but the tiny piece of it remains in your hand, whilst your heart and soul trajectory was already anticipating the wild yonder of flying in clientele for remote wilderness experiences with organic food and rustic accommodations. You will never again find anyone who makes you believe it to be possible, or who will trust that you too, have the knowledge and capacity to make it happen... in fact, your elastic is broken and your heart and soul cannot find its way back to its physical self. You are broken, because the dream that kept you alive is no longer possible. The future is tenuous, just like the elastic had been before it broke, but you didn't see that you were already stretched beyond your limits. Anything was possible when it was the two of you, but now all you can see is the pathetic shred of ribbon lying on the floor, curled up and misshapen after dreaming so large.

This has been my experience, and yes it was the loss of my soulmate, partner, and cheerleader, at age 32... but this could also be just some life-changing circumstance (perhaps disease or trauma) that makes these dreams impossible... and you know that you have to contract into the smallest little ball possible (which is excruciatingly uncomfortable), and spend time healing if you are to regain any more elasticity and energy or even desire to formulate another dream that is different enough, big enough, yet possible to achieve... if you yourself have any chance to thrive again.
posted by itsflyable at 9:07 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

Sorry for multiple posts. It's been on my mind, and now I can't stop thinking of grief and loss. I'm not even especially depressed. But I mean, there's a reason we have collectively sent Elmo into what must be a tailspin of muppet nihilism. "Elmo feels like Elmo is gazing into a big, deep hole from which nothing emerges!"

But there are so many incredibly good reasons to be sad, personally and globally....

Another one:
Climate change grief; the loss of the planet that we had. The winters without snow. The summers where crops are wiped out because of non-stop rain, the summers where crops are wiped out due to drought, the crops wiped out due to bizarre late freezes in the spring, leading to summers without peaches.

A more personal one, too, but I swear I will stop because if I keep going on I'll skip the gym and make a 5 AM martini instead, because fuck it:

I'm a woman in my fifties. I got laid off five years ago. I knew at the time, dimly, I'd never work again, but it took a full year for to wake up in the middle of night and burst into tears about it. I was in denial. I applied to over 100 jobs and worked with coaches/resume professionals, etc before I stopped and started to determine what my life was going to look like without work. People don't hire women executives over fifty. (If someone comes at me with 'My sister's best friend's mom's neighbor's sister-in-law got a job over fifty, she's senior director at blah, it can happen!!!!' my brain will trickle right out of my ears and it will probably be for the best.)

Our workplace's male toxic bully who got fired for toxic bullying (publicly--covered on the news) was hired within a year and is currently on the board of like three local organizations *on top of getting an equivalent job*.

I liked making money and felt like what I was doing was meaningful. We live in a culture where what we do is how a lot of us define ourselves, and I had a lot of control. So it took a lot to let it go and recognize that wasn't something that would happen for me again in the entirety of my life, and that was a lot to wrap my head around, and I mourned it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:12 AM on February 7 [6 favorites]

The loss of having lost someone when they're right there is a big one - for example, two people who are in love with each other, but for societal reasons, or one of them is married, or what have you, never being able to be together. Or a friend that you've irrevocably injured, but still love, but can never get back.
posted by corb at 4:54 AM on February 7 [3 favorites]

As a child, your parents getting divorced.
posted by *s at 8:45 AM on February 7 [3 favorites]

The Death of Opportunity. Sometimes that is paired with an actual death - the death of an abuser, for example, which means the %0.01 chance they might forge a repair is now just 0, permanently - or just taking (or realizing you took in the past) a path that negates the possibility of taking some other path, whether that's in love, career, education, culture, who you are as a person. It's not really about regret, it's just more about coming to terms with there being no real hope for the other thing.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:52 AM on February 7 [2 favorites]

Another example of "loss of opportunity" is having - or not having - kids, whether that's a decision you take or one that's decided for you by life events. You'll never know what it would have been like to take the other path, and I think a lot of people grieve the loss of that other option, even when they're completely happy with the road they're on.
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:41 AM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Loss of sense of belonging with colleagues as I realised my neurodiversity while "adorable" made me too different to be a personal friend.

Loss of hope when 15 years of retirement age, I became too sick to work, but the 15 years I'd had working as a professional hadn't been enough to secure a safe old age.
posted by b33j at 3:22 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I am once again humbled by your willingness to share your stories and grateful for your ideas.
Thank you.
posted by falsedmitri at 6:53 AM on February 8 [1 favorite]