Please share your remembrance rituals
March 24, 2022 1:04 PM Subscribe
I would like to honour the memory of a friend who passed away, but can't really think how. It would be nice to have a private tradition I could do annually, in remembrance. What are some ways you have found to honour people you have lost?
I lost a very dear friend recently. I would love to put into place a kind of annual ritual I could do for their birthday or something, but I can't think of a way to do this.
I do have people I've lost with whom I am able to do a kind of annual remembrance act, whether it's having a specific drink they loved, or eating a particular food, or listening to a specific song.
However when it comes to this friend, we didn't really have specific things we enjoyed doing together, and there are no specific acts, types of food or drink etc that I necessarily associate with this person. We mostly just talked for hours and hours and laughed ourselves silly over ancient in-jokes.
What are some ways that you have found of honouring the people you have lost? I don't mean the fond remembrance that comes out of the blue, which I know will occur spontaneously over the coming years, I mean a specific ritual that I could instate and do annually. It comforts me to think that there is a particular act I can continue to do that will keep this person's memory alive for me.
I lost a very dear friend recently. I would love to put into place a kind of annual ritual I could do for their birthday or something, but I can't think of a way to do this.
I do have people I've lost with whom I am able to do a kind of annual remembrance act, whether it's having a specific drink they loved, or eating a particular food, or listening to a specific song.
However when it comes to this friend, we didn't really have specific things we enjoyed doing together, and there are no specific acts, types of food or drink etc that I necessarily associate with this person. We mostly just talked for hours and hours and laughed ourselves silly over ancient in-jokes.
What are some ways that you have found of honouring the people you have lost? I don't mean the fond remembrance that comes out of the blue, which I know will occur spontaneously over the coming years, I mean a specific ritual that I could instate and do annually. It comforts me to think that there is a particular act I can continue to do that will keep this person's memory alive for me.
Lighting a yahrzeit candle on the anniversary of a death is a lovely custom.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yahrzeit_candle
posted by bq at 1:11 PM on March 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yahrzeit_candle
posted by bq at 1:11 PM on March 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
Write down the stories behind those silly in-jokes. Ever year, tell one of them to a person who hasn't heard the story before, in the style of "One time, my dear, departed friend X and I...". It will keep those memories alive and growing.
posted by jedicus at 1:17 PM on March 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by jedicus at 1:17 PM on March 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
I buy myself a birthday gift, something that I think my twin sister might have given me for our shared day, and I tell her about it (sometimes at the cemetery, sometimes I just tell one of her pictures). If you ever gave each other gifts, that can be something you're still "sharing."
posted by kitten kaboodle at 1:19 PM on March 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by kitten kaboodle at 1:19 PM on March 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
Write your friend a letter every year! About anything. And then read it out loud to friend.
Every year I make an angel food cake (since she’s an angel now - not sure I actually believe in angels but it sorta goes along with her not being alive in this realm at least) on my sisters birthday and tell her “happy birthday.” I keep it simple but feel like it’s a nice gesture to remember her.
posted by Sassyfras at 1:33 PM on March 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
Every year I make an angel food cake (since she’s an angel now - not sure I actually believe in angels but it sorta goes along with her not being alive in this realm at least) on my sisters birthday and tell her “happy birthday.” I keep it simple but feel like it’s a nice gesture to remember her.
posted by Sassyfras at 1:33 PM on March 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
My dad was an artist so we like to try to do an art project on his birthday. We've gone to one of those paint-your-own-pottery places and this year I think we're going to do something at our house like paint flowers on our retaining wall or something like that.
posted by dawkins_7 at 1:33 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by dawkins_7 at 1:33 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
If you're Catholic, The Office of the Dead is the ordinary set of prayers for All Soul's Day but can be used as a votive offering almost any time to honor family members, friends, and so on. There's a similar office in the Anglican breviary, but I'm having trouble locating the texts online.
posted by jquinby at 1:53 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by jquinby at 1:53 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
After my father passed, every year at Christmas and on his birthday, my mother would light a candle in the morning when she first got up and just quietly leave it burning all day. She would get up early and light it before we got up so I think that was like her special time to sit and think about him. I know at night when she had to blow the candle out she would sometimes have a little weep, but she found the ritual for the most part very helpful.
posted by wwax at 2:00 PM on March 24, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by wwax at 2:00 PM on March 24, 2022 [11 favorites]
A few times of year, I am out in nature, alone and I think about my friend. We used to camp together when we were kids.
posted by zerobyproxy at 2:00 PM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by zerobyproxy at 2:00 PM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
Unicorn Chaser, I am so sorry for your loss.
The year my friend died, I wrote down everything I could remember about him. On his birthdays, I read it and add to it if I can. Warts and all - I don't want to remember a cardboard saint. This practice is accompanied by looking at my favorite photos of him. Similar to Sulaine, I also do something he liked to do, (watch a comedy or a stand-up show, usually,) and raise a drink in his honor. Maybe for you, making a voice recording about your memories, or just sitting somewhere private and telling them about your life would feel right.
One ritual I do for his birthday is to consider something good about my friend that his death took away, and try to put some of it back into the world, or support others who also offer that thing. The specifics are kind of personal for me, but if there is something your friend gave or did or was that you love or admire, whether it be cool socks they used to knit their friends or excellent advice they gave or their integrity in their business dealings, maybe find a way to periodically nourish that thing in the world. It doesn't have to mean imitating them, necessarily, although that could be great and beautiful if you are inclined! Anything works so long as it is honors your friend.
posted by prewar lemonade at 2:16 PM on March 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
The year my friend died, I wrote down everything I could remember about him. On his birthdays, I read it and add to it if I can. Warts and all - I don't want to remember a cardboard saint. This practice is accompanied by looking at my favorite photos of him. Similar to Sulaine, I also do something he liked to do, (watch a comedy or a stand-up show, usually,) and raise a drink in his honor. Maybe for you, making a voice recording about your memories, or just sitting somewhere private and telling them about your life would feel right.
One ritual I do for his birthday is to consider something good about my friend that his death took away, and try to put some of it back into the world, or support others who also offer that thing. The specifics are kind of personal for me, but if there is something your friend gave or did or was that you love or admire, whether it be cool socks they used to knit their friends or excellent advice they gave or their integrity in their business dealings, maybe find a way to periodically nourish that thing in the world. It doesn't have to mean imitating them, necessarily, although that could be great and beautiful if you are inclined! Anything works so long as it is honors your friend.
posted by prewar lemonade at 2:16 PM on March 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
The ashes of an aunt who was a friend are buried nearby; no stone, so I go to that pretty cemetery sometimes, sit on a bench and chat with her. I went to talk to her when her son died. Sometimes I talk to my brother, esp. when I visit a p[ark we went to together. My Mom was partly from Maine and loved lobster, and I used to get her tacky lobster fridge magnets and stuff while she was living. Now I get an occasional lobster item, like a dish towel, as a reminder; I also think of her a lot when I cook traditional food. My Dad died in Spring, and I remember him with the 1st violets, and read When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloomed. Reading a particular poem is a good way to hold some one in your heart. Remembering is a great gift to the people who are gone.
posted by theora55 at 2:50 PM on March 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 2:50 PM on March 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
Many years ago, I was unkind with a very nice woman. She was in love with me and I...wasn't in love with her, but she was pleasant and we liked a lot of the same things. We both got married to other people. I realized how unkind I had been and I was able to do some good things for her. The night before her wedding, she and her groom had lost the place they were going to sleep due to family drama and they were going to have to sleep in a car. I sent her money so they could get a good room for a night.
Then she died and I wish I had been nicer. Now, for the past ten years, on her birthday, I go out and find an act of kindness I can do. I do it and I split, I don't even wait for a thank-you. Pay for a family's groceries, fill up a stranger's tank if he/she looks broke, etc. And I don't tell ANYONE. I do it in her name; she was a nice person and I think she'd appreciate it.
posted by flowerofhighrank at 3:13 PM on March 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
Then she died and I wish I had been nicer. Now, for the past ten years, on her birthday, I go out and find an act of kindness I can do. I do it and I split, I don't even wait for a thank-you. Pay for a family's groceries, fill up a stranger's tank if he/she looks broke, etc. And I don't tell ANYONE. I do it in her name; she was a nice person and I think she'd appreciate it.
posted by flowerofhighrank at 3:13 PM on March 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
I like to do something that the person who passed would still be doing if they were alive. For one friend who passed away after going out during Hurricane Sandy, I volunteered for a mayoral candidate, because said friend was incredibly politically active, and I knew she’d be doing the same if she were still here. For friends and family that I knew well, I like to make and eat their favorite foods, or incorporate a bit of their best personality traits into my own. If you know a book, movie, or tv show that they liked, that can help you feel closer too.
posted by Champagne Supernova at 3:16 PM on March 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Champagne Supernova at 3:16 PM on March 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
One of my former classmates died. On the anniversary of their death, I write an email to our whole class, and another to the person's immediate family. I also privately eat a snack they liked.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:32 PM on March 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 3:32 PM on March 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
After a friend died, a group of her mutual friends took a walk in her honor every year. And we talked about how much we loved her and why. And also just enjoyed ourselves. I moved away so I can’t do that anymore, so thank you for your question. I should come up with a ritual as well. I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:53 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 3:53 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Where Does the Practice of "Pouring One Out for Your Homies" Come From?
posted by zengargoyle at 3:56 PM on March 24, 2022
posted by zengargoyle at 3:56 PM on March 24, 2022
My favorite teacher had a distinctive style of dress that’s not a huge departure from my own. I dress in her style on her birthday. I get compliments, and then I get to share stories about her.
posted by Comet Bug at 4:14 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Comet Bug at 4:14 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Here in Sweden, during all saints day (related to halloween), many go to the local cemetary to light a candle to remember persons who are no longer with us. Where I live, the woodland cemetary (my own pictures) is very popular for this. It's nondenominational, and most people here are not religious at all anyhow. I'm atheist, and I go there every year to light a candle and think about friends and family no longer here.
posted by rpn at 4:18 PM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by rpn at 4:18 PM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
I’ve always liked the idea of planting flower bulbs in memory of a person. If you have a yard and live in an area where crocus or daffodil are possible, buy bulbs in the fall and plant a hundred or more each year and remember your friend in the springtime when they bloom.
posted by sciencegeek at 4:28 PM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by sciencegeek at 4:28 PM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
Mine are more incidental than anniversary-bound, but I imagine some of them could be adapted.
Mom: when I hear some song she liked, wherever I am, I tell her hello under my breath. Same when I see a bottle of Tabasco sauce, or a tie-dye shirt, or any of a dozen other things that "belong" to her still.
Friend L had the ritual of touching the outside of every airplane she boarded. Since she died, I make it my ritual, too, and I think of her as I cross the threshold to board.
Friend E had a particular favorite lipstick, which I buy sometimes in her memory and wear. She also loved the city of Halifax, so when I finally made it there several years after her death, I toasted her memory and told my traveling companion all about her.
Nana loved creme brulee so much, she made me smuggle it into her rehab facility. Since she died, I order it every chance I get, in her honor.
My grandfather: when I was little, I reportedly picked up his accent almost immediately on a family visit from the other side of the continent. (Drove my westerner relatives absolutely around the bend, let me tell you.) Since he died when I was in my late 20s, I've unlearned all the "corrections" that followed and allowed it to leak back into my voice. It feels like home.
When I was very little, my other grandma once cared for me after I got carsick on the long roadtrip to her apartment. She drew me a bath and let me use one of her fancy teal bath oil beads, which truly seemed to make everything better. I found a perfume that smells like those bath oil beads, and I wear it now -- more than three decades since that visit, and more than two decades since she died.
There are others, but they're similar in structure. In sum, I guess it's about picking up their preferences and making some of those preferences your own. May you find ways to keep those parts of your loved ones with you, too.
posted by armeowda at 4:45 PM on March 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
Mom: when I hear some song she liked, wherever I am, I tell her hello under my breath. Same when I see a bottle of Tabasco sauce, or a tie-dye shirt, or any of a dozen other things that "belong" to her still.
Friend L had the ritual of touching the outside of every airplane she boarded. Since she died, I make it my ritual, too, and I think of her as I cross the threshold to board.
Friend E had a particular favorite lipstick, which I buy sometimes in her memory and wear. She also loved the city of Halifax, so when I finally made it there several years after her death, I toasted her memory and told my traveling companion all about her.
Nana loved creme brulee so much, she made me smuggle it into her rehab facility. Since she died, I order it every chance I get, in her honor.
My grandfather: when I was little, I reportedly picked up his accent almost immediately on a family visit from the other side of the continent. (Drove my westerner relatives absolutely around the bend, let me tell you.) Since he died when I was in my late 20s, I've unlearned all the "corrections" that followed and allowed it to leak back into my voice. It feels like home.
When I was very little, my other grandma once cared for me after I got carsick on the long roadtrip to her apartment. She drew me a bath and let me use one of her fancy teal bath oil beads, which truly seemed to make everything better. I found a perfume that smells like those bath oil beads, and I wear it now -- more than three decades since that visit, and more than two decades since she died.
There are others, but they're similar in structure. In sum, I guess it's about picking up their preferences and making some of those preferences your own. May you find ways to keep those parts of your loved ones with you, too.
posted by armeowda at 4:45 PM on March 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
You might find the Dumb Supper useful. If you search online you might run into some Halloween/neo-pagan meanings for it, but I've been using it for years as a remembrance ritual.
Dumb supper basics:
1) You make their favorite food (or buy!)
2) Invite friends over to bring a favorite food of their departed loved ones
3) You pass the dishes while sharing the reason or memories behind the food. Everyone gets a bite of everyone's food and a chance to speak about the person they are remembering.
4) Once the food is passed, you all eat in total silence (dumb= silent), you might wish to imagine eating with your loved one throughout the meal
5) Once everyone is done, make a plate of food for the departed and bury it the next day
I am sorry for your loss.
posted by haplesschild at 6:07 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Dumb supper basics:
1) You make their favorite food (or buy!)
2) Invite friends over to bring a favorite food of their departed loved ones
3) You pass the dishes while sharing the reason or memories behind the food. Everyone gets a bite of everyone's food and a chance to speak about the person they are remembering.
4) Once the food is passed, you all eat in total silence (dumb= silent), you might wish to imagine eating with your loved one throughout the meal
5) Once everyone is done, make a plate of food for the departed and bury it the next day
I am sorry for your loss.
posted by haplesschild at 6:07 PM on March 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am so sorry for your loss, Unicorn Chaser. I love that you want to find a way to keep them present in your life
Both my sisters died in March, but one was born in September, and the other in May. On my September sister’s birthday, I buy spring bulbs and plant them. They come up in March. On my May sister’s birthday, I buy brightly colored annual flowers and plant them, they usually last until September.
It hasn’t been very long, so these are fairly new traditions, but I envision a day in the future where my gardens are filled to bursting with flowers and I will know that my sisters are with me.
posted by msali at 9:50 PM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
Both my sisters died in March, but one was born in September, and the other in May. On my September sister’s birthday, I buy spring bulbs and plant them. They come up in March. On my May sister’s birthday, I buy brightly colored annual flowers and plant them, they usually last until September.
It hasn’t been very long, so these are fairly new traditions, but I envision a day in the future where my gardens are filled to bursting with flowers and I will know that my sisters are with me.
posted by msali at 9:50 PM on March 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
I go walking with my dog in the nearby cemetery almost everyday, and today I saw that someone had left their loved one a giant cupcake and orange flowers that gave me enough feels to take the photo. I've also seen people throw picnics and arrange tiny flasks/cans of soda (favorite drink, one imagines). I really love seeing people leave letters, and the thought of writing someone a letter to update them on your life.
posted by blazingunicorn at 3:59 PM on March 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by blazingunicorn at 3:59 PM on March 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
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posted by sulaine at 1:08 PM on March 24, 2022 [4 favorites]