Books/Resources/Advice on Dealing with Homophobic Family
February 3, 2024 10:48 AM Subscribe
I’m a queer woman (well, womanish) in a relationship with a queer woman for the past 8 months. Everyone in my family is happy for me except my very catholic sister, who has tried to talk me out of being queer, and who is extremely resistant to the idea of my being in a queer relationship. I’m looking for things to read about dealing with this kind of situation.
She’s not shutting me out completely, but she has, for example, only just told my nephews about the existence of my girlfriend after 8 months (and only because I asked her to 3 months ago—I did give her till after the holidays before I would do it myself), never asks about my girlfriend though I see my sister multiple times each week, and has expressed zero desire to meet my girlfriend.
I’m hopeful that eventually I’ll be able to have these two relationships exist in the same space. But it’s slow going and it hurts.
I’m so lucky to have only one homophobic relative, I know. But that it’s my only sister (with whom I have an otherwise decent relationship) is so painful. I talk about it with my therapist, and my parents are involved in talking with my sister to get her to be more accepting so that burden doesn’t fall solely on me. But I could really use insight from other queer people on how to get through this. I’m particularly looking for books or other resources to read, but advice from personal experience would also be lovely.
She’s not shutting me out completely, but she has, for example, only just told my nephews about the existence of my girlfriend after 8 months (and only because I asked her to 3 months ago—I did give her till after the holidays before I would do it myself), never asks about my girlfriend though I see my sister multiple times each week, and has expressed zero desire to meet my girlfriend.
I’m hopeful that eventually I’ll be able to have these two relationships exist in the same space. But it’s slow going and it hurts.
I’m so lucky to have only one homophobic relative, I know. But that it’s my only sister (with whom I have an otherwise decent relationship) is so painful. I talk about it with my therapist, and my parents are involved in talking with my sister to get her to be more accepting so that burden doesn’t fall solely on me. But I could really use insight from other queer people on how to get through this. I’m particularly looking for books or other resources to read, but advice from personal experience would also be lovely.
She may never come around. Life is rough for everyone. Concentrate on your relationship with your partner and enjoy it. If the sister keeps pestering you, shut her down.
posted by Czjewel at 12:40 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]
posted by Czjewel at 12:40 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]
I'd just ignore her, change the subject, and make it not up for discussion. I love you, we're not going to discuss this, and what are the niblings up to lately? If she persists, you know what to do--sorry, love you, bye.
Don't waste your energy on her. She's only one that can change her mind. What you can put energy into is making the relationship between you, your partner, and the rest of your family as strong, positive, and as joyous as you can.
Disclosure: I'm not queer, but I'm the older relative of a queer family member and meeting the delightful partner of a queer relative and developing a positive relationship with them gives me tons of ammo to use against familial homophobes -- J and B are so cute together--they dressed up as Alice and the White Rabbit for Halloween. B just got a job promotion; J is so happy for her and they went to dinner at fun place to celebrate. If you have a nasty comment--so sad for you to be like that, byeeee. Plus I have Old Lady authority--I KNOW you weren't raised to be that way, so be nice or go home.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:43 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]
Don't waste your energy on her. She's only one that can change her mind. What you can put energy into is making the relationship between you, your partner, and the rest of your family as strong, positive, and as joyous as you can.
Disclosure: I'm not queer, but I'm the older relative of a queer family member and meeting the delightful partner of a queer relative and developing a positive relationship with them gives me tons of ammo to use against familial homophobes -- J and B are so cute together--they dressed up as Alice and the White Rabbit for Halloween. B just got a job promotion; J is so happy for her and they went to dinner at fun place to celebrate. If you have a nasty comment--so sad for you to be like that, byeeee. Plus I have Old Lady authority--I KNOW you weren't raised to be that way, so be nice or go home.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:43 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Don't try to get them to put pressure on your sister, because that is triangulation. You could end up creating a new conflict between your parents and your sister. Your parents know this and will either decide to go to war on your behalf, or they will not.
They have made the decision to have these conversations themselves. I’ve had nothing to do with it.
The fact that she got chosen to be a go between and pass your news on to your nephews instead of you doing it yourself without thinking to ask her, indicates to me that you are not close to them, and by extension not close to her.
On the contrary, I am close to them, but my sister would have lost her shit if I had discussed it with them on my own. (She’s extremely controlling about what information gets to them and how. Guess who tried to give them books for Christmas, and had them literally removed from under the tree.)
posted by ocherdraco at 2:29 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]
They have made the decision to have these conversations themselves. I’ve had nothing to do with it.
The fact that she got chosen to be a go between and pass your news on to your nephews instead of you doing it yourself without thinking to ask her, indicates to me that you are not close to them, and by extension not close to her.
On the contrary, I am close to them, but my sister would have lost her shit if I had discussed it with them on my own. (She’s extremely controlling about what information gets to them and how. Guess who tried to give them books for Christmas, and had them literally removed from under the tree.)
posted by ocherdraco at 2:29 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Potentially also relevant: the whole reason I want to preserve this relationship is to stay close to my preteen nephews.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:55 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 2:55 PM on February 3 [2 favorites]
I'm a queer agnostic person who spends a lot of time in Catholic spaces. You are so kind and patient to keep pursuing a full relationship with your sister. You are extending her love and grace every time you share your genuine self with her. I hope she will be able to see that and acknowledge you as a whole person soon. I want that for you and for your family and for the queer people in her parish and the rest of her life.
I don't know what her faith life is like or what things are like in her particular slice of Catholicism, but there are definitely those seeking to reconcile queerness and Catholicism within themselves and in the world in general. I don't know if she'd be willing to watch or read works and testimonials from queer Catholics or those who minister to them, but maybe that could be one avenue to greater understanding.
Even if you don't think she'd be open to something like that, here are some links that may help you find language, talking points or simply reassurance that change can be possible. Fr James Martin is a notable author and activist in this space, his most recent book is Building a Bridge: How the Catholic Church and the LGBT Community Can Enter into a Relationship of Respect, Compassion, and Sensitivity. There's also this video with a wide variety of folks talking about this work.
Please take good loving care of yourself and your partner. You both deserve to be celebrated and understood by those closest to you. If that one day includes your sister, then that's awesome. If you can find a way forward that is imperfect, but workable, then that's pretty darn good. Your nephews are lucky to have you!
posted by annaramma at 5:05 PM on February 3 [7 favorites]
I don't know what her faith life is like or what things are like in her particular slice of Catholicism, but there are definitely those seeking to reconcile queerness and Catholicism within themselves and in the world in general. I don't know if she'd be willing to watch or read works and testimonials from queer Catholics or those who minister to them, but maybe that could be one avenue to greater understanding.
Even if you don't think she'd be open to something like that, here are some links that may help you find language, talking points or simply reassurance that change can be possible. Fr James Martin is a notable author and activist in this space, his most recent book is Building a Bridge: How the Catholic Church and the LGBT Community Can Enter into a Relationship of Respect, Compassion, and Sensitivity. There's also this video with a wide variety of folks talking about this work.
Please take good loving care of yourself and your partner. You both deserve to be celebrated and understood by those closest to you. If that one day includes your sister, then that's awesome. If you can find a way forward that is imperfect, but workable, then that's pretty darn good. Your nephews are lucky to have you!
posted by annaramma at 5:05 PM on February 3 [7 favorites]
Ties that bind: Familial homophobia and its consequences by Sarah Schulman might be of interest to you. Here's a short interview with her about the book.
posted by happyfrog at 5:49 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]
posted by happyfrog at 5:49 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]
You could consider reaching out to Sweet FA, who might have resources - or at least, empathy?
They are a drag king act as a Catholic priest - I have the impression they spend or used to spend time in Catholic spaces so might have insight into the headspace your sister is in. Entertaining, passionate, and a lovely person.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 7:56 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]
They are a drag king act as a Catholic priest - I have the impression they spend or used to spend time in Catholic spaces so might have insight into the headspace your sister is in. Entertaining, passionate, and a lovely person.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 7:56 PM on February 3 [1 favorite]
the whole reason I want to preserve this relationship is to stay close to my preteen nephews.
Your sister's mind may well have been broken by a lethal dose of the toxic propaganda that equates being gay with being a "recruiter" for the "homosexual agenda", leaving her constantly shit-scared that your intent is to corrupt rather than help nurture her kids.
It would probably pay you to start making contingency plans for keeping yourself safe if it turns out that a nephew is queer, a circumstance she'd instantly leap to blaming you for creating. Hell hath no fury like a parent unhinged.
posted by flabdablet at 9:09 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]
Your sister's mind may well have been broken by a lethal dose of the toxic propaganda that equates being gay with being a "recruiter" for the "homosexual agenda", leaving her constantly shit-scared that your intent is to corrupt rather than help nurture her kids.
It would probably pay you to start making contingency plans for keeping yourself safe if it turns out that a nephew is queer, a circumstance she'd instantly leap to blaming you for creating. Hell hath no fury like a parent unhinged.
posted by flabdablet at 9:09 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]
This is a academic study of LGBTQ+ people maintaining ties with non-accepting parents, but you might find some frameworks for thinking about the work that you're doing to maintain your relationship with your sister.
I've got two dear friends navigating maintaining relationships with homophobic family, and it's terribly difficult. It really makes me mad that these wonderful people aren't loved and appreciated for all they are. I'm sorry that you're going through this with your sister.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:41 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]
I've got two dear friends navigating maintaining relationships with homophobic family, and it's terribly difficult. It really makes me mad that these wonderful people aren't loved and appreciated for all they are. I'm sorry that you're going through this with your sister.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:41 PM on February 3 [3 favorites]
Pope Francis’ approval for Catholic priests to offer blessings to same-sex couples is widely considered a message of tolerance. I used the 1st link I got; choose a good link and send it to your sister, noting that the Pope, as head of the Church, the stand-in for Jesus, accepts same-sex couples. She is being a Bad Catholic*. For me, the Pope's acceptance is a day late and a dollar short, but faithful Catholics may be swayed. I'm sorry your sister is bigoted. ill-informed, and mean. Thanks for being a good auntie.
*Bad Catholic is my new band name.
posted by theora55 at 1:55 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]
*Bad Catholic is my new band name.
posted by theora55 at 1:55 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]
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This is the hill she has chosen for her conflict with you. You could look at this as specifically a homophobic person you need to have a relationship with, who is disrespecting you, or you could look at it more as being a problem in the sibling relationship. Depending on how close you are and if you ever see her in a context outside of your familial one, you might handle this better if you regarded it as the problem of your sister being a dick, rather than the problem of living in a world with homophobia.
If you discuss the issue with your other family members, you will likely get more traction with them if you phrase it as your sister behaving like a dick to you, than if you make it a political thing, simply because your family is unlikely to feel as strongly about the gay political side of things as you do. If you do want to get support from your family, you can focus on them celebrating you, rather than them helping you win the conflict with your sister. So instead of getting your mother to talk to your sister, get your parents to discuss which political candidates show the most support to gay people and commit to voting for them, or get them to host a birthday party for your girlfriend. Don't try to get them to put pressure on your sister, because that is triangulation. You could end up creating a new conflict between your parents and your sister. Your parents know this and will either decide to go to war on your behalf, or they will not. But don't encourage them to do so, let alone ask them to. Doing so is divisive to your family and unfair to your parents.
Very often our family members don't respect us and do things that are neglectful or not supportive or which actively tear us down where we need to be built up. That's families for you. Rivalry and lack of mutual support is typical of siblings because so much of the time they are rivals for the same resources. If you look at your sister out of the context of her homophobia, how good IS she at respecting your wishes and caring about things you care about? Because that baseline is unlikely to change unless your relationship with her changes substantially. The lack of respect and support is showing the underlying relationship, where she doesn't need to show you more respect and support than she is doing, and either she doesn't need you because she would be glad to push you away, or has figured out that she can get away with being a dick about things and you will just suffer it for the sake of the relationship.
You probably don't need to get into a big conflict with her. You probably won't get much traction if you get into a game of tit for tat with her - "If you don't acknowledge my girlfriend I won't invite your husband to our Mum's birthday dinner" etc. You are unlikely to be able to negotiate with her at all. She'll simply argue that the situations aren't equal. "I am legally MARRIED to my husband. You are simply having an unwholesome pretend relationship with that girl..." You do not want to go there. The more you argue the more hurt feeling and indignation and polarized points of view.
One thing to consider is that many people do not include new members to the family easily. It could be be as much that your sister doesn't want to accept your partner, because to her your partner is an outsider, and she simply doesn't want to accept any new family members, and that underlying resistance to new people is manifesting as homophobia - she might have found emotional grounds to justify excluding your partner, and this might actually be part of the natural progression of time where siblings form new families that break away from the original one. The root emotion going on with your sister could be that she needs to draw away from your entire family and focus on her new family with her kids and any partner she might have, and your partner is being used as a wedge issue.
If your sister is part of your tribe, you want her to have shared values with you. You and I know she's being a dick. You want your tribe to be the good people. Your parents have managed to change with the times or else they never even needed to change because they have accepted gay people for ages. Why can't your sister? The problem is, where you and your sister are naturally getting more distant, the longer that you live separately from each other building your own lives, you don't have much leverage to make her change or stop it. Getting into conflict with her is likely to just make life even more unpleasant for you, your parents and your girlfriend. All she has to do is withdraw, with hurt feelings and go tell her friends that you are the one who is the dick.
Managing your own emotions around the sub-optimal sibling relationship is a different issue than standing up for your rights or trying to change her, and is where I think you should focus your efforts. Focusing on strengthening your relationship with your parents, and with your girlfriend and your community can compensate for the increased distance with your sister. Grieving the distance is also something you may need to do. You used to be able to rely on her (I hope) and now you can't anymore. If you want her in your life, you can try strengthening your relationship with your nephews. If they are older, there is no reason why you can't chat with them and mention her in passing, the same way you mention things like a new job or a new hobby or a continued interest in your old hobby. Unless they are so very young, that they didn't need to know you had a girlfriend because they don't understand concepts like partner yet, I don't see a reason why you couldn't mention it in passing to them without having made an ultimate. You are already granting your sister an enormous amount of power.
The fact that she got chosen to be a go between and pass your news on to your nephews instead of you doing it yourself without thinking to ask her, indicates to me that you are not close to them, and by extension not close to her. If you build your relationship with them it will strengthen your link to her in a positive way. You may see her almost every week but whatever it is you are doing is not helping to sustain a close, mutually supportive relationship. So that is something you can also do - figure out if there is any way to improve that relationship so that she values you enough to celebrate what is important to you. Maybe there isn't a way. But if she looks forward to the time she spends with you, because she spends it with you, then you'll have the leverage to make her stop being a dick.
It's perfectly possible that there is no way you can make her value you enough to stop being a dick. That could be because there just isn't room in her life for you to get that much empathy from her because her kids and her partner and her job etc. all have to come first, or it could be because being a dick is so much a part of her personality that she'd be a dick to you, even if you had a kidney to spare that was a donor match and she would die without out.
The main thing is to work on your own emotional needs rather than try to force her to come around to your wishes.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:16 PM on February 3 [4 favorites]