bring me up to speed on trans issues
August 1, 2023 5:28 AM Subscribe
I'm familiar with and sympathetic towards transgender people - please trust this being asked in good faith. There are specifically two concepts I've been introduced to which haven't clicked: that you can be trans without dysphoria & that some trans people choose not to "pass" as their target gender. Looking for in depth essays / well written explainers on these subjects which don't use too much jargon.
All of my google searches have given me a slew of listicles which don't say anything substantial, or personal Medium articles which speak to the trans community rather than a newbie like me. Explanations which rely heavily on jargon (cisgender, gender fluid, etc) without explaining the terms makes the information more opaque, not less :(
My understanding of transgender is currently a biology-based one - something in/about a trans person's brain is aligned with the opposite gender rather than their birth gender, which causes deep psychological distress (feeling "born in the wrong body").
Considering how expensive and painful transition is, I don't understand why someone without dysphoria would choose to undergo it.
Similarly, I always thought that trans people aim to "pass" as their chosen gender - but I've seen a lot of statements along the lines of "not passing is valid" from their community. Not passing makes it more difficult to assimilate into society as their chosen gender, and opens them up to a lot more harassment. I don't understand why someone would actively choose to not pass.
I know people like JK Rowling have rejected both of those ideas. However, I am open to them (and braced for any backlash I recieve for asking this). Hit me with your best.
All of my google searches have given me a slew of listicles which don't say anything substantial, or personal Medium articles which speak to the trans community rather than a newbie like me. Explanations which rely heavily on jargon (cisgender, gender fluid, etc) without explaining the terms makes the information more opaque, not less :(
My understanding of transgender is currently a biology-based one - something in/about a trans person's brain is aligned with the opposite gender rather than their birth gender, which causes deep psychological distress (feeling "born in the wrong body").
Considering how expensive and painful transition is, I don't understand why someone without dysphoria would choose to undergo it.
Similarly, I always thought that trans people aim to "pass" as their chosen gender - but I've seen a lot of statements along the lines of "not passing is valid" from their community. Not passing makes it more difficult to assimilate into society as their chosen gender, and opens them up to a lot more harassment. I don't understand why someone would actively choose to not pass.
I know people like JK Rowling have rejected both of those ideas. However, I am open to them (and braced for any backlash I recieve for asking this). Hit me with your best.
I don't know anything off hand that's going to meet your requirements but I'm going to break this down for you in a brief, probably not perfect answer.
When you look at gender identity as something very simple basically "this is how I feel about myself and this is what I want to be called" then it really broadens what gender non confirming ( someone who doesn't conform to society expected gender roles in some way) is and how it is expressed.
Gender identity isn't about the body. It is about the mind. Everyone has a gender idenity. Some feel way more strongly about this than others. When the body mismatches the mind, this can cause distress or not. Some people choose to go through medical interventions that can be long, risky, painful and have complications. Some people may have health conditions in which those things are just not possible. Some people couldn't care because gender roles are social constructs and why even bother with all of this ( or other personal reasons, i just picked a common one). Some people even with all the medical marvels out there won't meet some standards or another just like not everyone can meet arbitrary beauty standards and not everyone can meet arbitrary ideals about strength. All of this is perfectly fine.
This isn't about meeting a check box or being one particular way. It is human expression of lived experience, of peoples priorities, desires and how they want to be be recognized by others.
No one needs a deep reason to be gender non confirming just like people don't need a deep reason for their haircut or for the clothes they wear or the scent of deodorant they buy.
Gender Euphoria resonates with some gender non conforming people more than dysphoria. It is term you may want to look at further.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:54 AM on August 1, 2023 [13 favorites]
When you look at gender identity as something very simple basically "this is how I feel about myself and this is what I want to be called" then it really broadens what gender non confirming ( someone who doesn't conform to society expected gender roles in some way) is and how it is expressed.
Gender identity isn't about the body. It is about the mind. Everyone has a gender idenity. Some feel way more strongly about this than others. When the body mismatches the mind, this can cause distress or not. Some people choose to go through medical interventions that can be long, risky, painful and have complications. Some people may have health conditions in which those things are just not possible. Some people couldn't care because gender roles are social constructs and why even bother with all of this ( or other personal reasons, i just picked a common one). Some people even with all the medical marvels out there won't meet some standards or another just like not everyone can meet arbitrary beauty standards and not everyone can meet arbitrary ideals about strength. All of this is perfectly fine.
This isn't about meeting a check box or being one particular way. It is human expression of lived experience, of peoples priorities, desires and how they want to be be recognized by others.
No one needs a deep reason to be gender non confirming just like people don't need a deep reason for their haircut or for the clothes they wear or the scent of deodorant they buy.
Gender Euphoria resonates with some gender non conforming people more than dysphoria. It is term you may want to look at further.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:54 AM on August 1, 2023 [13 favorites]
First, I am a cis person, and I am not an expert, so please take whatever I say with a grain of salt.
1) Instead of reflexively shying away from "jargon", I actually encourage you to seek out definitions and roll them around in your mind for a bit. The thing is, people use words like "cisgender" and "genderfluid" because it's really helpful to have words for concepts and experiences.
Rather than listicles, start with material that's designed to be accessible and introductory. There is actually a lot of this out there. You could try pflag.org, and books like How to Understand Your Gender (Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker). There isn't one authority, though, so try to read a variety of things.
2) It sounds like you are thinking of sex as a biologically determined binary state. Biology does not actually do binaries very well. Look for info from science communicators for more about this; eg this Sawbones episode: https://www.themcelroy.family/2021/10/26/22745587/sawbones-sex-and-gender (transcript at the link)
3) I think one of the implicit ideas underneath "why would someone transition if they are not severely dysphoric" is the judgment "no one should alter their body without a really good reason." But, society tolerates or celebrates a lot of body modification, like gender-affirming plastic surgery for cis people, or tattoos and piercings. So, I think underneath *that* is the statement "well, no one else should alter their own body in a way that makes *me* uncomfortable, without a reason that *I* approve of".
Can you articulate to yourself what bothers you about the idea of someone wanting to modify their body without a "good reason"? What level of distress is a "good enough reason"? What level of modification?
4) There are a lot of reasons why someone wouldn't want to pass:
- Passing is a moving goalpost.
- We already established that biological sex isn't a strict set of two bins, and definitely isn't one-to-one with whatever our current social definitions are for "men" and "women". Maybe what you want for yourself, what makes you feel right, doesn't conform to whatever the current standard is for "passing" as a particular gender anyway.
- Also, as you said, some procedures are really expensive and painful. Maybe you literally just can't afford the procedures or the hormones or taking the time off work.
- Maybe it's not safe for you to be out as trans.
- Maybe your body is shaped in such a way that it would be really difficult to "pass" even if you did everything "right".
- I am a cis woman. There are a bajillion expectations for women that I don't follow because I just don't want to. In some cases, it would cause me a lot of distress to follow them. I'm sure that I'm being judged for it, but I'm fortunate enough that for the most part, I can fly under the radar because of the way my body is shaped. I "pass". One (but certainly not the only) reason that people are encouraging others that it's okay not to "pass" is to push against gender expectations and to bolster people who find passing painful or just don't want to do it. To focus on loving themselves, not on trying to keep up with someone else's bullshit judgment.
posted by esker at 7:10 AM on August 1, 2023 [16 favorites]
1) Instead of reflexively shying away from "jargon", I actually encourage you to seek out definitions and roll them around in your mind for a bit. The thing is, people use words like "cisgender" and "genderfluid" because it's really helpful to have words for concepts and experiences.
Rather than listicles, start with material that's designed to be accessible and introductory. There is actually a lot of this out there. You could try pflag.org, and books like How to Understand Your Gender (Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker). There isn't one authority, though, so try to read a variety of things.
2) It sounds like you are thinking of sex as a biologically determined binary state. Biology does not actually do binaries very well. Look for info from science communicators for more about this; eg this Sawbones episode: https://www.themcelroy.family/2021/10/26/22745587/sawbones-sex-and-gender (transcript at the link)
3) I think one of the implicit ideas underneath "why would someone transition if they are not severely dysphoric" is the judgment "no one should alter their body without a really good reason." But, society tolerates or celebrates a lot of body modification, like gender-affirming plastic surgery for cis people, or tattoos and piercings. So, I think underneath *that* is the statement "well, no one else should alter their own body in a way that makes *me* uncomfortable, without a reason that *I* approve of".
Can you articulate to yourself what bothers you about the idea of someone wanting to modify their body without a "good reason"? What level of distress is a "good enough reason"? What level of modification?
4) There are a lot of reasons why someone wouldn't want to pass:
- Passing is a moving goalpost.
- We already established that biological sex isn't a strict set of two bins, and definitely isn't one-to-one with whatever our current social definitions are for "men" and "women". Maybe what you want for yourself, what makes you feel right, doesn't conform to whatever the current standard is for "passing" as a particular gender anyway.
- Also, as you said, some procedures are really expensive and painful. Maybe you literally just can't afford the procedures or the hormones or taking the time off work.
- Maybe it's not safe for you to be out as trans.
- Maybe your body is shaped in such a way that it would be really difficult to "pass" even if you did everything "right".
- I am a cis woman. There are a bajillion expectations for women that I don't follow because I just don't want to. In some cases, it would cause me a lot of distress to follow them. I'm sure that I'm being judged for it, but I'm fortunate enough that for the most part, I can fly under the radar because of the way my body is shaped. I "pass". One (but certainly not the only) reason that people are encouraging others that it's okay not to "pass" is to push against gender expectations and to bolster people who find passing painful or just don't want to do it. To focus on loving themselves, not on trying to keep up with someone else's bullshit judgment.
posted by esker at 7:10 AM on August 1, 2023 [16 favorites]
When you come across a term you don't know, the LGBTQ+ Glossary from PFLAG is a great resource!
posted by sugarbomb at 7:21 AM on August 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by sugarbomb at 7:21 AM on August 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Hi! Trans nonbinary person here.
First, "transgender" is a huge umbrella with lots of different approaches and understandings of gender that fall under it. This is a good overview of that concept. I point this out first because the underlying understanding in your question is that trans = man becoming woman or woman becoming man, and that's a very narrow interpretation. "Transgender" can include people like me who have no gender (agender), people who aren't "committed" to a gender (genderfluid), etc.
With that said, to address some things in your post:
that you can be trans without dysphoria
something in/about a trans person's brain is aligned with the opposite gender rather than their birth gender, which causes deep psychological distress (feeling "born in the wrong body").
that some trans people choose not to "pass" as their target gender.
I think all of these thoughts have an underlying assumption that I'd like to gently challenge you on, which is that gender is solely related to your physical form.
For lots of trans people, myself included, yes, their body parts play into their understanding of their gender, but they're not the be-all end-all of their gender identity. I feel like this is particularly true of nonbinary and genderfluid people like myself. In my case, I elected to have my breasts removed because I had never really liked them much anyway, but it wasn't a "I need to get my breasts removed so people will see me as non-female" thing. It was a way to make my body feel like my own that wasn't necessarily related to how I present to others.
All that said, "passing" is a concept that I find cis people think is really important to every single trans person, but it's just not. It's why a lot of anti-trans sentiment includes "we can always tell!!!" as a way to try to hurt trans people.
Some trans people "pass" as their chosen gender ("targeted" is kind of a loaded word that I would avoid using). Others don't. Some people desperately want to be viewed as a cis person of their chosen gender. Others don't. Some people really could not care less what gender you think they are; they just want to live their lives in their own way with their own look and style. Some people want to pass today and don't want to pass tomorrow. esker offered a lot of other good reasons, too.
posted by anotheraccount at 7:46 AM on August 1, 2023 [31 favorites]
First, "transgender" is a huge umbrella with lots of different approaches and understandings of gender that fall under it. This is a good overview of that concept. I point this out first because the underlying understanding in your question is that trans = man becoming woman or woman becoming man, and that's a very narrow interpretation. "Transgender" can include people like me who have no gender (agender), people who aren't "committed" to a gender (genderfluid), etc.
With that said, to address some things in your post:
that you can be trans without dysphoria
something in/about a trans person's brain is aligned with the opposite gender rather than their birth gender, which causes deep psychological distress (feeling "born in the wrong body").
that some trans people choose not to "pass" as their target gender.
I think all of these thoughts have an underlying assumption that I'd like to gently challenge you on, which is that gender is solely related to your physical form.
For lots of trans people, myself included, yes, their body parts play into their understanding of their gender, but they're not the be-all end-all of their gender identity. I feel like this is particularly true of nonbinary and genderfluid people like myself. In my case, I elected to have my breasts removed because I had never really liked them much anyway, but it wasn't a "I need to get my breasts removed so people will see me as non-female" thing. It was a way to make my body feel like my own that wasn't necessarily related to how I present to others.
All that said, "passing" is a concept that I find cis people think is really important to every single trans person, but it's just not. It's why a lot of anti-trans sentiment includes "we can always tell!!!" as a way to try to hurt trans people.
Some trans people "pass" as their chosen gender ("targeted" is kind of a loaded word that I would avoid using). Others don't. Some people desperately want to be viewed as a cis person of their chosen gender. Others don't. Some people really could not care less what gender you think they are; they just want to live their lives in their own way with their own look and style. Some people want to pass today and don't want to pass tomorrow. esker offered a lot of other good reasons, too.
posted by anotheraccount at 7:46 AM on August 1, 2023 [31 favorites]
It's easy to confuse a desire to "pass as a certain gender" with a desire to "pass as someone who's not trans".
In a community where trans people are seen as a normal, respected part of society, a trans woman can be accepted and treated as a woman without needing to perfectly disguise her trans-ness, because trans women are women and her friends, colleagues and neighbours agree about this. Their concept of "what a woman looks like" includes "what a trans woman looks like", and that might include cues that are relatively subtle.
If you come from somewhere that isn't like this, then you might think such a woman doesn't "pass" because your idea of "what women look like" doesn't include her. But she doesn't have to adapt to that way of seeing the world if she doesn't want to.
About surgery - can you imagine a woman who's not trans, getting a boob job or a nose job or something, not because she hates her body, but just because she thinks she'll like the new version better? It's possible!
posted by quacks like a duck at 8:24 AM on August 1, 2023 [17 favorites]
In a community where trans people are seen as a normal, respected part of society, a trans woman can be accepted and treated as a woman without needing to perfectly disguise her trans-ness, because trans women are women and her friends, colleagues and neighbours agree about this. Their concept of "what a woman looks like" includes "what a trans woman looks like", and that might include cues that are relatively subtle.
If you come from somewhere that isn't like this, then you might think such a woman doesn't "pass" because your idea of "what women look like" doesn't include her. But she doesn't have to adapt to that way of seeing the world if she doesn't want to.
About surgery - can you imagine a woman who's not trans, getting a boob job or a nose job or something, not because she hates her body, but just because she thinks she'll like the new version better? It's possible!
posted by quacks like a duck at 8:24 AM on August 1, 2023 [17 favorites]
"Passibility" is important only in that it is good to be "passable" to oneself. To be content with the image in the mirror. If you can achieve that, you should be proud of it.
posted by SPrintF at 9:13 AM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 9:13 AM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
Perhaps the Gender Unicorn can help! Our culture often conflates sex, gender identity, and gender expression. I was assigned female at birth, I see myself as a woman, and I'm somewhat feminine....but there are thousands of other possible combos. For example, I could be a female woman with a masculine presentation. Or a male woman with a masculine presentation. Or a female man with a feminine presentation.
I confess that I find it a little surprising when folks have a gender expression that matches the sex they were assigned at birth, but a different gender identity. It feels easier to me to have an identity that matches the gender I was assigned at birth and to vary my gender expression occasionally. But not everyone is me! And thank goodness for that! I know plenty of folks who were, for example, assigned male at birth and have a masculine presentation but have a gender identity as a woman, and that's ok even if it's isn't how I feel.
Our culture does some real weird stuff around sex, gender identity, and gender expression. For example, our kids' summer camps ask if they're a boy or a girl. Why does it matter? Is the camp going to be interacting with their genitalia, in which case they want to know sex, not gender....but either way, we should not go to a camp that plans to interact with our kids' genitalia! Or does the camp want to know their gender so they can make a bunch of assumption about what our kids want to play with and who they want to play with? In which case, that's a little better...but still inappropriate!
So it's great that you're asking these questions, because there's so much to learn and unpack on this topic. Another great resource is genderspectrum.org - they have a ton of information about gender creativity. Good luck!
posted by equipoise at 9:22 AM on August 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
I confess that I find it a little surprising when folks have a gender expression that matches the sex they were assigned at birth, but a different gender identity. It feels easier to me to have an identity that matches the gender I was assigned at birth and to vary my gender expression occasionally. But not everyone is me! And thank goodness for that! I know plenty of folks who were, for example, assigned male at birth and have a masculine presentation but have a gender identity as a woman, and that's ok even if it's isn't how I feel.
Our culture does some real weird stuff around sex, gender identity, and gender expression. For example, our kids' summer camps ask if they're a boy or a girl. Why does it matter? Is the camp going to be interacting with their genitalia, in which case they want to know sex, not gender....but either way, we should not go to a camp that plans to interact with our kids' genitalia! Or does the camp want to know their gender so they can make a bunch of assumption about what our kids want to play with and who they want to play with? In which case, that's a little better...but still inappropriate!
So it's great that you're asking these questions, because there's so much to learn and unpack on this topic. Another great resource is genderspectrum.org - they have a ton of information about gender creativity. Good luck!
posted by equipoise at 9:22 AM on August 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
A framing that has helped some folks in my life: do you have any friends or family members that changed their name or nickname, or who use different names in different contexts? Nobody argues that Thomas is biologically different because he preferred Tommy as a kid and now sometimes goes by TJ. He doesn’t need surgery to be more or less Thomas-ish. He’s got a combination of socialization and the way society perceived him and how he perceives himself that led to his preferences.
Gender is more complicated, but from the point of view of meeting a new person, “this person likes being called TJ” is not that different than “this person likes he and they pronouns.” They are figuring out what words feel like them, or feel fun, or feel like what they want to present to the world. Whether they always felt like that is a bit irrelevant, to me.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:32 AM on August 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
Gender is more complicated, but from the point of view of meeting a new person, “this person likes being called TJ” is not that different than “this person likes he and they pronouns.” They are figuring out what words feel like them, or feel fun, or feel like what they want to present to the world. Whether they always felt like that is a bit irrelevant, to me.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:32 AM on August 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
A podcast that covers a lot of these ideas quite well: My NB life.
It's by a nonbinary person but covers all kinds of aspects of being trans - e.g being intersex, gender identity, gender presentation, etc.
Episode 5 deals with bodies and dysphoria specifically, as well as the idea that a trans person might not want to pass at all and still be known as trans, even if they've undergone surgery:
Warning for some graphic descriptions of surgery and dysphoria.
Transcript
Episode.
posted by Zumbador at 9:43 AM on August 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
It's by a nonbinary person but covers all kinds of aspects of being trans - e.g being intersex, gender identity, gender presentation, etc.
Episode 5 deals with bodies and dysphoria specifically, as well as the idea that a trans person might not want to pass at all and still be known as trans, even if they've undergone surgery:
Warning for some graphic descriptions of surgery and dysphoria.
Transcript
Episode.
posted by Zumbador at 9:43 AM on August 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
With respect and compassion, consider that you do not have to understand or agree with any of this. If you are cis, consider reframing this to take yourself out of a role of evaluation. Again, not with snark but with love, consider asking yourself, "Why do I care?".
posted by latkes at 9:46 AM on August 1, 2023 [14 favorites]
posted by latkes at 9:46 AM on August 1, 2023 [14 favorites]
I think an analogy might help here.
Imagine a man. He has "male" on his birth certificate. He loves to wear makeup and dresses, and he doesn't have a traditional 'manly' appearance; say, he's not tall or muscular. Does that make him less of a man?
Now imagine the same man, and the only difference is that he has "female" on his birth certificate.
For both these guys, what makes them men is personal, unique, and innate. It has nothing to do with their bodies or their appearance or interests. It's who they are inside.
Another thing that might help you is understanding that "transition" looks different for everybody. It might mean hormones and/or surgeries (and there are lots of different kinds of surgeries that trans people might choose to have - it's a myth that there is a such thing as "the surgery") for one person, and for another it just mean reintroducing yourself with your new name and sharing about your gender.
And one last thing that might help is that "not passing is valid" means two things. It means "it's okay if people can tell you're transgender, even if you'd rather they not. It doesn't mean you did something wrong or that you are less-than". But it also means "it's okay if you want to be openly, proudly transgender". For many people being trans is a source of love, hope, and community, and so that's something they would like to proudly share.
Cisgender means your gender identity matches the one you were assigned at birth. It's just the opposite of transgender. In Latin cis- and trans- are opposite prefixes. (Chemists have been using these prefixes for a long, long time!)
Gender fluid means your gender identity or presentation changes, maybe from day to day or maybe throughout your life, rather than having one fixed gender that you always identify with.
posted by capricorn at 10:30 AM on August 1, 2023 [4 favorites]
Imagine a man. He has "male" on his birth certificate. He loves to wear makeup and dresses, and he doesn't have a traditional 'manly' appearance; say, he's not tall or muscular. Does that make him less of a man?
Now imagine the same man, and the only difference is that he has "female" on his birth certificate.
For both these guys, what makes them men is personal, unique, and innate. It has nothing to do with their bodies or their appearance or interests. It's who they are inside.
Another thing that might help you is understanding that "transition" looks different for everybody. It might mean hormones and/or surgeries (and there are lots of different kinds of surgeries that trans people might choose to have - it's a myth that there is a such thing as "the surgery") for one person, and for another it just mean reintroducing yourself with your new name and sharing about your gender.
And one last thing that might help is that "not passing is valid" means two things. It means "it's okay if people can tell you're transgender, even if you'd rather they not. It doesn't mean you did something wrong or that you are less-than". But it also means "it's okay if you want to be openly, proudly transgender". For many people being trans is a source of love, hope, and community, and so that's something they would like to proudly share.
Cisgender means your gender identity matches the one you were assigned at birth. It's just the opposite of transgender. In Latin cis- and trans- are opposite prefixes. (Chemists have been using these prefixes for a long, long time!)
Gender fluid means your gender identity or presentation changes, maybe from day to day or maybe throughout your life, rather than having one fixed gender that you always identify with.
posted by capricorn at 10:30 AM on August 1, 2023 [4 favorites]
Read a few different books by people whose gender identity is LGBTQ+. I read Gender Queer because it is under attack in my town's school library, and it was really thoughtful. Jenny Boylan's She's Not There is well-written and she tries to anticipate questions. There are lots of books, and I recommend reading a few, because trans people are quite varied. your library should be a good resource. The Washington Post has had a number of good articles in the last 6 months or so, your library should have ungated access.
Trans politics and rights became a public big deal in the last 20 years; things are changing as people begin to have the ability to understand and express their gender. Think of it as an exciting time.
posted by theora55 at 10:34 AM on August 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
Trans politics and rights became a public big deal in the last 20 years; things are changing as people begin to have the ability to understand and express their gender. Think of it as an exciting time.
posted by theora55 at 10:34 AM on August 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't understand why someone would actively choose to not pass.
Many people are angry about how they have been forced to assimilate to cis people's ideas of gender, and do actively choose not to pass. Think of it like women burning their bras.
Many other people (me included) simply find passing to be a lot of work, and would rather put that effort into something more meaningful. Getting cis people to give tacit approval is pretty unfulfilling in my experience. It's wonderful not worrying about how I look 24/7. I would much rather pay attention to my friends, wife, dogs, work, art, etc than worry about what Joe Schmoe at the grocery store thinks.
posted by Summers at 12:44 PM on August 1, 2023 [13 favorites]
Many people are angry about how they have been forced to assimilate to cis people's ideas of gender, and do actively choose not to pass. Think of it like women burning their bras.
Many other people (me included) simply find passing to be a lot of work, and would rather put that effort into something more meaningful. Getting cis people to give tacit approval is pretty unfulfilling in my experience. It's wonderful not worrying about how I look 24/7. I would much rather pay attention to my friends, wife, dogs, work, art, etc than worry about what Joe Schmoe at the grocery store thinks.
posted by Summers at 12:44 PM on August 1, 2023 [13 favorites]
Similarly, I always thought that trans people aim to "pass" as their chosen gender - but I've seen a lot of statements along the lines of "not passing is valid" from their community. Not passing makes it more difficult to assimilate into society as their chosen gender, and opens them up to a lot more harassment. I don't understand why someone would actively choose to not pass.
Respectfully, I don’t want trans people to feel like they have to assimilate into society. Why would someone actively choose to not pass? Because that’s their choice. Their presentation is about them, not you. I don’t know that you need to understand more than that.
posted by kat518 at 1:20 PM on August 1, 2023 [9 favorites]
Respectfully, I don’t want trans people to feel like they have to assimilate into society. Why would someone actively choose to not pass? Because that’s their choice. Their presentation is about them, not you. I don’t know that you need to understand more than that.
posted by kat518 at 1:20 PM on August 1, 2023 [9 favorites]
helpful historical context on how society understands gender identity over time
posted by latkes at 3:18 PM on August 1, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by latkes at 3:18 PM on August 1, 2023 [4 favorites]
Sevenofspades, I appreciate that you are trying to be thoughtful but I find your opinion personally quite offensive: you apparently believe that I don't exist. I am a nonbinary trans person in my 30s, and I promise you that I am not "doing gender as art" because I feel bad that I will "never be able to pass." Trust me when I say that if I wanted to pass as either a man or a woman I could and would, even without having had the benefit of childhood puberty blockers. You should not speak for a group of people of which (I gather from your post) you are not part.
posted by branca at 5:04 PM on August 1, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by branca at 5:04 PM on August 1, 2023 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I'm someone who cruise-controlled into a physics PhD, so I identify a lot more strongly as a scientist than with my birth or assumed gender, and you mentioned having a "biology-based" understanding of gender, so I'm going to start with a bit of a science rant, but trust me, it will get around to gender issues soon enough!
The important thing to remember about biology, and about science in general is that it's making models of reality. You make observations, you come up with models to make predictions, and then you see how well the real universe matches up to those predictions. And what gets presented as science: biology, physics, what have you, in the public imagination is mostly these models.
Now a lot of them are very good models! But it is important to remember this: They are all to some small degree wrong. That is to say the universe is infinitely complicated and messy, and the only way our puny mortal brains can get a handle on anything is to make huge simplifications. If you're lucky, those huge simplifications don't matter for what you care about. But it also mean that any given scientific model is only going to be valid for a certain domain - a certain set of circumstances. IF reality doesn't match up with the mental scientific model you are using, you need to change the model, not argue with reality.
Considering how expensive and painful transition is, I don't understand why someone without dysphoria would choose to undergo it.
So the observation here, the scientific fact, is that there are many people who value being a different gender than they were born and raised as enough to endure great expense and hardship to achieve that. And you're right, that you're current model of dysphoria doesn't explain that observation. So, scientifically speaking, you need a better model. I think you are a smart person and probably understood that on at least a subconscious level, which is why you came here and asked.
The simple and maybe unsatisfying answer is that people choose to undergo great hardship to transition because it makes them much happier. You don't need to start at a state of suffering to put a great deal of effort into living a better life that leaves you feeling fulfilled. Nor is there a clear dividing line between "i'm doing this because it makes me less sad." and "I'm doing this because it makes me more happy."
But hopefully it will be more satisfying if I explain how these sorts of feelings manifested for me, from a transfemme (started male, decided I like female a lot more) perpective. I've never had any feelings of dysphoria, and perhaps that's why it took me so long to realize I was trans. I don't hate my body, it's just.. there. It's ... OK.
But my attitude for so much of my life has been, I guess, benign neglect? I never wanted to do anything with my body. No particular preference for hairstyle, for clothing. I mean my had crushes, but my fantasies about what we could do.. they were always vague. Not really centered on me being, well male bodied. Honestly, most of my "sex" fantasies were "social acceptance" fantasies, fading to black before anything happened. Because that part wasn't important? And believe me, it's not because I am at all asexual. All of my clothing was all either random things various family members bought me as Christmas presents or plain colored jeans and t-shirts bought to avoid being naked because I did not care.
None of this was any terrible hardship. I'm a total nerd; I like math and reading and science. I value the mental over the physical. I probably play too many video games. So none of that really seemed to matter?
But increasingly, any time I had a choice, video games, online, I'd put myself in a female character or female role. I made a rule for myself in one online game that I had to make one male character for every female character I made. And in retrospect that seems kind of.. unhinged? Having silly little rules to pretend inside of a fantasy pretend game that I didn't prefer being female as much as I did. I just tacitly made it seem like I was like those other guys, the "If I have to watch a butt on a screen for a long time, I'd rather it be a sexy girl's!" sorts. I suppose thinking I was one of those sorts is why my mom sighed at me when I wanted to go watch Xena: Warrior Princess so much when I was younger. But really it took me so, so long to realize that other boys weren't watching the show because they wanted to be her, not even a little bit.
And now that I've discovered places that are truly free and open, and I can just say "yeah, actually I'd prefer to be a gal, not a guy" and everyone's fine with it? I enjoy existing in a way I didn't before. I like being an embodied person. I like to dance. I buy clothes because I like them and want to wear them. All these things I never cared about before and thought I didn't like? It turns out I do.
But I .. don't really know how to bring that to less permissive environments. I don't want some conservative "traditional femininity." That's not how I was raised - and I'm not even talking about the being raised as a boy part. My mom and her friends were engineers and businesswomen and I learned implicitly from their behavior that you had to be twice as aggressive at setting your boundaries and claiming your place as the men, or otherwise people wouldn't respect you. Like, my mom doesn't have a particularly butch style or anything, but for the few super formal occasions where she was in red lipstick and heels? That was weird as heck to me. I don't associate femininity with being weak or slender or demure or any of these things that get read as "feminine" to a lot of more socially conservative people.
Honestly, when presenting as male, I actually feel less conflicted about doing a lot of traditionally feminine stuff, since there I'm at least rebelling against the norm instead of feeling like it's forced on me. Like shaving? On one hand, yeah I have more body hair in more places than I like to or I would have if I didn't start puberty with a dose of testosterone. On the other hand, the level at which people presenting as women are expected to be unnaturally hairless is legitimately kind of oppressive. So what do I do about that? Shave a little bit? Go around being hairy some time to make a point, and other times shave it all? I don't know. There isn't a good answer. Same with so many other little choices I have to make about my body.
I don't think I ever go the punk riot grrrl "fuck the patriarchy" rebellion out of my system. On one hand, it feels a little embarrassing to say fuck the patriarchy when one has been trapped in and benefiting from it for so long. On the other hand fuck the patriarchy. You don't have to present as a woman for long at all to get a real quick crash course in "why do women have to be like that?" and why a lot of dudes suck. And really how much do I try to "pass" as a cisgender woman is very nearly the same question as how much do I visibly rebel against oppressive gender norms for women, except that's a question I have to be facing now instead of twenty years ago. It's the question of how much of myself do I sand away or suppress in order to live in a world that will fuck with me for not conforming.
I mean that's kind of a lot and kind of personal, and honestly everyone's experience is going to be vastly different. But I hope that helps you understand what all that high level discussion might actually mean in practice. All I have to say is to pay attention to and respect people's lived experiences. Those are the empirical facts of the world. Put that before preconceived mental model you have of how people "should" behave and feel about their gender. It's the scientifically correct thing to do and the morally correct thing to do.
posted by Zalzidrax at 6:43 PM on August 1, 2023 [33 favorites]
The important thing to remember about biology, and about science in general is that it's making models of reality. You make observations, you come up with models to make predictions, and then you see how well the real universe matches up to those predictions. And what gets presented as science: biology, physics, what have you, in the public imagination is mostly these models.
Now a lot of them are very good models! But it is important to remember this: They are all to some small degree wrong. That is to say the universe is infinitely complicated and messy, and the only way our puny mortal brains can get a handle on anything is to make huge simplifications. If you're lucky, those huge simplifications don't matter for what you care about. But it also mean that any given scientific model is only going to be valid for a certain domain - a certain set of circumstances. IF reality doesn't match up with the mental scientific model you are using, you need to change the model, not argue with reality.
Considering how expensive and painful transition is, I don't understand why someone without dysphoria would choose to undergo it.
So the observation here, the scientific fact, is that there are many people who value being a different gender than they were born and raised as enough to endure great expense and hardship to achieve that. And you're right, that you're current model of dysphoria doesn't explain that observation. So, scientifically speaking, you need a better model. I think you are a smart person and probably understood that on at least a subconscious level, which is why you came here and asked.
The simple and maybe unsatisfying answer is that people choose to undergo great hardship to transition because it makes them much happier. You don't need to start at a state of suffering to put a great deal of effort into living a better life that leaves you feeling fulfilled. Nor is there a clear dividing line between "i'm doing this because it makes me less sad." and "I'm doing this because it makes me more happy."
But hopefully it will be more satisfying if I explain how these sorts of feelings manifested for me, from a transfemme (started male, decided I like female a lot more) perpective. I've never had any feelings of dysphoria, and perhaps that's why it took me so long to realize I was trans. I don't hate my body, it's just.. there. It's ... OK.
But my attitude for so much of my life has been, I guess, benign neglect? I never wanted to do anything with my body. No particular preference for hairstyle, for clothing. I mean my had crushes, but my fantasies about what we could do.. they were always vague. Not really centered on me being, well male bodied. Honestly, most of my "sex" fantasies were "social acceptance" fantasies, fading to black before anything happened. Because that part wasn't important? And believe me, it's not because I am at all asexual. All of my clothing was all either random things various family members bought me as Christmas presents or plain colored jeans and t-shirts bought to avoid being naked because I did not care.
None of this was any terrible hardship. I'm a total nerd; I like math and reading and science. I value the mental over the physical. I probably play too many video games. So none of that really seemed to matter?
But increasingly, any time I had a choice, video games, online, I'd put myself in a female character or female role. I made a rule for myself in one online game that I had to make one male character for every female character I made. And in retrospect that seems kind of.. unhinged? Having silly little rules to pretend inside of a fantasy pretend game that I didn't prefer being female as much as I did. I just tacitly made it seem like I was like those other guys, the "If I have to watch a butt on a screen for a long time, I'd rather it be a sexy girl's!" sorts. I suppose thinking I was one of those sorts is why my mom sighed at me when I wanted to go watch Xena: Warrior Princess so much when I was younger. But really it took me so, so long to realize that other boys weren't watching the show because they wanted to be her, not even a little bit.
And now that I've discovered places that are truly free and open, and I can just say "yeah, actually I'd prefer to be a gal, not a guy" and everyone's fine with it? I enjoy existing in a way I didn't before. I like being an embodied person. I like to dance. I buy clothes because I like them and want to wear them. All these things I never cared about before and thought I didn't like? It turns out I do.
But I .. don't really know how to bring that to less permissive environments. I don't want some conservative "traditional femininity." That's not how I was raised - and I'm not even talking about the being raised as a boy part. My mom and her friends were engineers and businesswomen and I learned implicitly from their behavior that you had to be twice as aggressive at setting your boundaries and claiming your place as the men, or otherwise people wouldn't respect you. Like, my mom doesn't have a particularly butch style or anything, but for the few super formal occasions where she was in red lipstick and heels? That was weird as heck to me. I don't associate femininity with being weak or slender or demure or any of these things that get read as "feminine" to a lot of more socially conservative people.
Honestly, when presenting as male, I actually feel less conflicted about doing a lot of traditionally feminine stuff, since there I'm at least rebelling against the norm instead of feeling like it's forced on me. Like shaving? On one hand, yeah I have more body hair in more places than I like to or I would have if I didn't start puberty with a dose of testosterone. On the other hand, the level at which people presenting as women are expected to be unnaturally hairless is legitimately kind of oppressive. So what do I do about that? Shave a little bit? Go around being hairy some time to make a point, and other times shave it all? I don't know. There isn't a good answer. Same with so many other little choices I have to make about my body.
I don't think I ever go the punk riot grrrl "fuck the patriarchy" rebellion out of my system. On one hand, it feels a little embarrassing to say fuck the patriarchy when one has been trapped in and benefiting from it for so long. On the other hand fuck the patriarchy. You don't have to present as a woman for long at all to get a real quick crash course in "why do women have to be like that?" and why a lot of dudes suck. And really how much do I try to "pass" as a cisgender woman is very nearly the same question as how much do I visibly rebel against oppressive gender norms for women, except that's a question I have to be facing now instead of twenty years ago. It's the question of how much of myself do I sand away or suppress in order to live in a world that will fuck with me for not conforming.
I mean that's kind of a lot and kind of personal, and honestly everyone's experience is going to be vastly different. But I hope that helps you understand what all that high level discussion might actually mean in practice. All I have to say is to pay attention to and respect people's lived experiences. Those are the empirical facts of the world. Put that before preconceived mental model you have of how people "should" behave and feel about their gender. It's the scientifically correct thing to do and the morally correct thing to do.
posted by Zalzidrax at 6:43 PM on August 1, 2023 [33 favorites]
Trans people are not a monolith, and while different framings/descriptions/explanations/personal understandings rise and fall in prominence over time, you're not going to find universal agreement from all trans people about all the fine--or even rough--points at any given time. And that's okay.
I'd also caution against leaning too heavily on Wikipedia articles like the one mentioned already. There are a lot of contentious ideas floating around and any single particular article is not reliably going to be the most authoritative or nuanced source with the full context.
posted by Pryde at 6:48 PM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'd also caution against leaning too heavily on Wikipedia articles like the one mentioned already. There are a lot of contentious ideas floating around and any single particular article is not reliably going to be the most authoritative or nuanced source with the full context.
posted by Pryde at 6:48 PM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi everyone, thanks for these responses. The message I got is: gender identity/expression is based on an internal sense of who you are, not how you want to fit into society. That clears up a lot.
To those who ask "why do you care" - understanding the viewpoints of others is important (for me at least) in order to develop empathy for them. Without empathy, it's easy to dehumanise and devalue people you don't understand; a path I do not want to go down with a group that is already maligned in the media.
Live and let live is a perfectly fine attitude to take with strangers you run into on the street - but it's not unlikely that I'll become friends with a trans or nonbinary person in the future - and "I think your identity is silly but I'm going to keep that to myself" is an awful attitude to have towards someone you're close with!
posted by wandering zinnia at 7:19 AM on August 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
To those who ask "why do you care" - understanding the viewpoints of others is important (for me at least) in order to develop empathy for them. Without empathy, it's easy to dehumanise and devalue people you don't understand; a path I do not want to go down with a group that is already maligned in the media.
Live and let live is a perfectly fine attitude to take with strangers you run into on the street - but it's not unlikely that I'll become friends with a trans or nonbinary person in the future - and "I think your identity is silly but I'm going to keep that to myself" is an awful attitude to have towards someone you're close with!
posted by wandering zinnia at 7:19 AM on August 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
I am a trans man who generally is read as a cis man. Being read as a cis man makes many day to day transactions easier but it also erases my history and who I am. I am proud to be a trans man - I’ve been through a lot to get here and, as one of many examples that being happy and being trans can go hand in hand, I feel it is very important for me to be seen both for other people who are trans as well as for allies and opponents. I also very much value the experience I have from walking through the world perceived as a woman. It gives me a deep understanding of what the world is like for women and keeps me aware of the privilege I have for being seen as a cis white man and I think it is important for women I work and interact with to know I have that understanding.
To be read as a cis man also means that other parts of my identity that I hold very dear, being queer and trans, become invisible/less visible. I remember the first time I was aware of this. I was out dancing with three queer femme (cis and trans women) friends. One guy looked at me dancing with my friends and gave me a thumbs up for being the guy on the dance floor with three beautiful women. Later I realized that a couple of the women that were dancing around me were giving me the type of space that a woman gives men on the dance floor when they are concerned they are going to be hit on. It was pretty surreal to be perceived that way. Another way this happens is when I go out with my partner - we appear as a heterosexual couple but neither of us are straight, alternatively my husband and I are seen as a gay married couple which also isn’t exactly how I see myself (but is how my husband sees himself). My queer community means so much to me and I want to be a visible member of my community.
FWIW my goal has never been to “pass”. I have experienced very little dysphoria with my body. I had top surgery simply because I didn’t want to have breasts not because I found my body distressing. I don’t feel any need for any other surgeries because I am fine with the rest of my body as it is. About two years after top surgery I decided to try low dose testosterone and it felt so right for my body that I was on a typical dose of testosterone within a couple of months. My body happened to take really well to testosterone and after 6 months people started calling me “sir”.
I am about two weeks shy of a year on testosterone and I am never misgendered anymore.The fact I am never misgendered feels great but that I am often not perceived as trans feels less so. As with everything my experience is unique to me - there are many other reasons why people are not interested in “passing” and why “being in the wrong body” isn’t a requirement for being trans (although sometimes people have to say that to get medical care covered by insurance) but I thought it might be helpful to get some personal perspective.
posted by a22lamia at 10:35 AM on August 2, 2023 [9 favorites]
To be read as a cis man also means that other parts of my identity that I hold very dear, being queer and trans, become invisible/less visible. I remember the first time I was aware of this. I was out dancing with three queer femme (cis and trans women) friends. One guy looked at me dancing with my friends and gave me a thumbs up for being the guy on the dance floor with three beautiful women. Later I realized that a couple of the women that were dancing around me were giving me the type of space that a woman gives men on the dance floor when they are concerned they are going to be hit on. It was pretty surreal to be perceived that way. Another way this happens is when I go out with my partner - we appear as a heterosexual couple but neither of us are straight, alternatively my husband and I are seen as a gay married couple which also isn’t exactly how I see myself (but is how my husband sees himself). My queer community means so much to me and I want to be a visible member of my community.
FWIW my goal has never been to “pass”. I have experienced very little dysphoria with my body. I had top surgery simply because I didn’t want to have breasts not because I found my body distressing. I don’t feel any need for any other surgeries because I am fine with the rest of my body as it is. About two years after top surgery I decided to try low dose testosterone and it felt so right for my body that I was on a typical dose of testosterone within a couple of months. My body happened to take really well to testosterone and after 6 months people started calling me “sir”.
I am about two weeks shy of a year on testosterone and I am never misgendered anymore.The fact I am never misgendered feels great but that I am often not perceived as trans feels less so. As with everything my experience is unique to me - there are many other reasons why people are not interested in “passing” and why “being in the wrong body” isn’t a requirement for being trans (although sometimes people have to say that to get medical care covered by insurance) but I thought it might be helpful to get some personal perspective.
posted by a22lamia at 10:35 AM on August 2, 2023 [9 favorites]
Just wanted to thank Zalgrix for your comment - super helpful for me! I want to push back a little on this:
On one hand, it feels a little embarrassing to say fuck the patriarchy when one has been trapped in and benefiting from it for so long. On the other hand fuck the patriarchy.
In my mind, you've illustrated exactly why patriarchy sucks and is unhealthy for everyone. :) Those (two!) rigid gender boxes we're 'supposed to' fit into? - they aren't good for anyone, even those society helps the most.
I've had a lot of convos with my little brother (we're both cis) about all the bad crap that comes with masculinity. As a cis woman, I could only see how much he was getting away with at work, in relationships, and was angry about the way people would let him do anything he wanted without repercussions!
It took much longer than I'd like for me to be able to see his perspective more clearly. Yes, he got a lot more grace and freedom than everyone else, but he's also not allowed to cry, to have feelings other than anger, be sad or anxious or scared about things, or to talk about problems. He can't say 'I'm too tired' or 'I'm not strong enough' when it comes to lifting things or 'I don't know how/don't think I have the skills to do that' about home or car repair projects.
That it took me so long to get it scares me *in the same way that I and (I think?) the OP want to understand being trans*. I'm queer and supportive as hell of all of my lgbtqiq+ siblings, but unlike sexual orientation, I've never felt dysphoric or euphoric or anything much about my body/gender, so I don't 'get' trans friend's experiences in the same intuitive ways I do with every flavor of sexual orientation I've encountered.
Anyway, long way of saying thank you to the OP for asking, and for caring. I'm in a similar place but felt like as long as I was loudly supportive, that was good.
I think it's not - it feels like for me, to be actively supportive requires some sort of deeper knowledge and effort to understand more and more diverse first-hand experiences. Until your question, I hadn't realized I needed to go find those and actively educate myself to be the person I hope that I am.
Thank you for asking, and O M G, thank you to everyone here who replied.
My thanks
posted by esoteric things at 2:00 PM on August 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
On one hand, it feels a little embarrassing to say fuck the patriarchy when one has been trapped in and benefiting from it for so long. On the other hand fuck the patriarchy.
In my mind, you've illustrated exactly why patriarchy sucks and is unhealthy for everyone. :) Those (two!) rigid gender boxes we're 'supposed to' fit into? - they aren't good for anyone, even those society helps the most.
I've had a lot of convos with my little brother (we're both cis) about all the bad crap that comes with masculinity. As a cis woman, I could only see how much he was getting away with at work, in relationships, and was angry about the way people would let him do anything he wanted without repercussions!
It took much longer than I'd like for me to be able to see his perspective more clearly. Yes, he got a lot more grace and freedom than everyone else, but he's also not allowed to cry, to have feelings other than anger, be sad or anxious or scared about things, or to talk about problems. He can't say 'I'm too tired' or 'I'm not strong enough' when it comes to lifting things or 'I don't know how/don't think I have the skills to do that' about home or car repair projects.
That it took me so long to get it scares me *in the same way that I and (I think?) the OP want to understand being trans*. I'm queer and supportive as hell of all of my lgbtqiq+ siblings, but unlike sexual orientation, I've never felt dysphoric or euphoric or anything much about my body/gender, so I don't 'get' trans friend's experiences in the same intuitive ways I do with every flavor of sexual orientation I've encountered.
Anyway, long way of saying thank you to the OP for asking, and for caring. I'm in a similar place but felt like as long as I was loudly supportive, that was good.
I think it's not - it feels like for me, to be actively supportive requires some sort of deeper knowledge and effort to understand more and more diverse first-hand experiences. Until your question, I hadn't realized I needed to go find those and actively educate myself to be the person I hope that I am.
Thank you for asking, and O M G, thank you to everyone here who replied.
My thanks
posted by esoteric things at 2:00 PM on August 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
And a22lamia - this sounds dumb but I couldn't imagine any downsides to passing as a cis man. The social/life ease always seemed like paradise to me, but an important part of yourself, your life, and your experience being invisible is a drawback your comment helped me understand - thank you!
posted by esoteric things at 2:04 PM on August 2, 2023
posted by esoteric things at 2:04 PM on August 2, 2023
The Washington Post has been doing a lot of articles about trans people and trans issues. Probably free at your library.
posted by theora55 at 12:57 PM on August 3, 2023
posted by theora55 at 12:57 PM on August 3, 2023
I'm non-binary. I'm not a man or a woman. What exactly should I try to pass as?
I'm not the only one with a less simple situation. Some of us are in the middle of genders, more or less, whether it's staying still or moving back and forth. (Or staying as far from them as we can.)
And somedays I care how I'm seen and wish people would use they/them pronouns from my buttons for me, and maybe see if my clothing helps with that and other days I just can't summon up the energy for people at all. And I shouldn't have to keep telling them or wear androgenous clothing to not get misgendered. People should be able to use my pronouns no matter how I'm dressed and no matter how my body looks, because it's what I've told them.
posted by blueberry monster at 9:47 PM on August 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm not the only one with a less simple situation. Some of us are in the middle of genders, more or less, whether it's staying still or moving back and forth. (Or staying as far from them as we can.)
And somedays I care how I'm seen and wish people would use they/them pronouns from my buttons for me, and maybe see if my clothing helps with that and other days I just can't summon up the energy for people at all. And I shouldn't have to keep telling them or wear androgenous clothing to not get misgendered. People should be able to use my pronouns no matter how I'm dressed and no matter how my body looks, because it's what I've told them.
posted by blueberry monster at 9:47 PM on August 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
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It sounds like your ideas about trans people are influenced by popular notions of "born in the wrong body" or, for example, "a man trapped in a woman's body." These conceptions of trans-ness are quite prevalent in society, but many trans people consider them outdated and harmful because the actual experiences of trans people do not fit so neatly into that framework. You might be thinking, "if being trans is not about being born in the quote-unquote wrong body, then what is it?" To which many trans people would say, what if my body is perfect for who I am, no matter what society says it should be? What if my body is not a problem to be solved?
Those born-in-the-wrong-body ideas are related to an idea called transmedicalism. I know you asked for no jargon, but I'll mention this one piece of jargon. Wikipedia says, "Transmedicalism is the idea that being transgender is primarily a medical issue related to the incongruence between an individual's assigned sex at birth and their gender identity, characterized by gender dysphoria. Some transmedicalists believe individuals who identify as transgender without experiencing gender dysphoria or desiring to undergo a medical transition [...] are not genuinely transgender [emphasis mine]."
In other words, this line of thinking says, "To be trans, you MUST desire certain physical characteristics and you MUST hate the body you were born with. Why? Because (for example) you can't POSSIBLY be a woman if you aren't interested in having boobs!"
This kind of thinking may initially look progressive compared to the rest of society because at least it accepts the existence of trans people and encourages transitioning for those who need it. However, it is still caught up in very rigid, binary ideas of what men and women (*only* men and women, mind you) are supposed to be, how they are supposed to look and behave. It's so caught up in society's gender binary (a little more jargon, sorry) that it believes if your gender identity is a man but you don't have a deep-seated need to physically resemble what society considers a man as closely as possible, then guess what? Your gender identity isn't really a man at all. This is really harmful because some trans folks are (for example) perfectly comfortable being men who don't present as "manly" to society, but the born-in-the-wrong-body framework will try to convince these men that their lived and felt identities aren't even real because they don't feel the need to fit into the box labeled "MAN STUFF."
Similarly, I always thought that trans people aim to "pass" as their chosen gender - but I've seen a lot of statements along the lines of "not passing is valid" from their community. Not passing makes it more difficult to assimilate into society as their chosen gender, and opens them up to a lot more harassment. I don't understand why someone would actively choose to not pass.
Not passing is valid! Society's ideas about how men and women are supposed to look and act are completely absurd! To paraphrase Michael Bolton from Office Space, "Why should I change? Society is the one who sucks!" Also, I will caution against thinking of gender as a choice. I don't wake up every morning and choose to be a cisgender man... I just am one. I might decide to present myself in a way that society considers "unmanly," even with something as benign as a little bit of nail polish, but the way I present myself to the world doesn't invalidate my identity as a man. Same goes for everyone.
As a final disclaimer, I will stress once again that gender is vastly more nuanced than the two boxes society has tried to throw us all into. I may have gotten things wrong in this description, and what I have described may not fit everyone's experience.
posted by cubeb at 6:52 AM on August 1, 2023 [58 favorites]