Staying with a friend while they recover from top surgery?
February 1, 2024 4:34 PM Subscribe
Visiting and staying with a dear friend for days 7–14 after their top surgery. What should I know and how can I be most helpful?
A dear friend (AFAB) is doing top surgery soon, and I will be staying with them for days 7–14 after the surgery. I'm unable to visit earlier, but they have local friends who will be around for the days immediately afterwards.
I am planning to be there to help with basic household tasks: cooking, cleaning, lifting objects, tidying. I'd appreciate any tips on what would be most helpful, what I should be prepared for, objects/supplies I can bring…
Advice I've already received (but more thoughts welcome!)
Thank you for your help!
A dear friend (AFAB) is doing top surgery soon, and I will be staying with them for days 7–14 after the surgery. I'm unable to visit earlier, but they have local friends who will be around for the days immediately afterwards.
I am planning to be there to help with basic household tasks: cooking, cleaning, lifting objects, tidying. I'd appreciate any tips on what would be most helpful, what I should be prepared for, objects/supplies I can bring…
Advice I've already received (but more thoughts welcome!)
- Pulling shirts/sweaters over one's head is challenging. Button-up shirts and cardigans are probably better.
- Necessary items, like toilet paper and so on, should be placed at a comfortable height to avoid reaching upwards.
- Might be helpful to remind my friend to take pain meds on schedule.
- Friend may not be very mobile, so plan to do activities at home (film nights, board games, video games.)
- Moving between positions, like lying down to sitting, is challenging. Having a recliner chair might help, and/or sleeping in a reclining position.
- May need to help with changing bandages or dressings.
- A straw and other easy to eat foods (soup, applesauce) might be helpful.
- Will I still be able to work remotely, or should I expect to take some/all of the days off to care for my friend?
- How much physical support might I need to provide? E.g. help changing dressings, lifting my friend up/down, etc. I am not very strong and a little bit squeamish so just want to prepare myself.
- I'm visiting from out of town and don't live in this city. Any supplies/useful things I should try to source or know how to find in advance?
- Anything that will help with recovery and scarring? Skincare products, routines, etc.
Thank you for your help!
When I helped a friend through this, he could walk around just fine, and could gently do a lot of normal tasks as long as they weren't strenuous and didn't involve any lifting. He played a lot of video games. A lot. Helping your friend make better food than he'd bother with by himself sounds nice, and hanging out to keep the boredom away is good. If your friend is social, maybe you could help let other friends know when good times to visit are?
posted by fritley at 5:17 PM on February 1
posted by fritley at 5:17 PM on February 1
I wouldn't expect to have to do anything squeamish. Usually they put on strips that don't need to be changed. On drains, when I had drains, I was able to manage them myself. Might not always be true, but I didn't have to lift my arms much to empty them.
Your friend may have to sleep facing up - for this I found a four pillow system (head, each side, knees) worked best. I didn't have an issue with sitting up after a day or two as far as I recall.
With pain meds, keeping on a schedule is helpful, and setting alarms. Along with emptying drains, I had a paper tracking system for this.
On the whole, I found the effects of the general anesthetic and general effects of surgery meant being fairly tired overall. I would plan for low key activities like watching movies. An engaging TV series to binge watch would be ideal, or video games. I wasn't up for anything intellectually involved. To avoid becoming stir crazy, short outings and visiting friends may be helpful.
The main things that it was good to have someone there for were company (above all), cooking and getting groceries and snacks, dishes, picking up prescriptions. Doing some cleaning maybe though it's a short enough time. But on the whole, the company was more important than the physical help.
posted by lookoutbelow at 5:25 PM on February 1 [1 favorite]
Your friend may have to sleep facing up - for this I found a four pillow system (head, each side, knees) worked best. I didn't have an issue with sitting up after a day or two as far as I recall.
With pain meds, keeping on a schedule is helpful, and setting alarms. Along with emptying drains, I had a paper tracking system for this.
On the whole, I found the effects of the general anesthetic and general effects of surgery meant being fairly tired overall. I would plan for low key activities like watching movies. An engaging TV series to binge watch would be ideal, or video games. I wasn't up for anything intellectually involved. To avoid becoming stir crazy, short outings and visiting friends may be helpful.
The main things that it was good to have someone there for were company (above all), cooking and getting groceries and snacks, dishes, picking up prescriptions. Doing some cleaning maybe though it's a short enough time. But on the whole, the company was more important than the physical help.
posted by lookoutbelow at 5:25 PM on February 1 [1 favorite]
Unless there are complications it should be a fairly straightforward recovery. They will be sent home with aftercare instructions, ask permission to read them and do what they say. If your friend is especially zonked at first bringing them meds on time is helpful - reducing pain leads to better rest which leads to faster healing. Your friend should be able to handle most stuff on their own like drains and getting around home.
You should be able to work remotely, especially if your schedule is flexible - your friend will probably sleep a lot at first followed by an extremely boring period of recovery, so if you can do work tasks when they are asleep and then plan for some chunks of friend entertaining later on it will likely work out well. But you may prefer to use that quiet time prepping food and doing other caretaking tasks instead. Your friend will also tucker out quickly so on bored days you can probably encourage a nap and get some work done then. Use your best judgement.
There won’t be any problems with their mouth so while a lot of traditional sick foods will be wonderful and comforting you can also eat pretty much anything. Don’t do like, a whole lobster they have to dismantle, or a giant sandwich they have to hold up. Maybe avoid tacos because of head angle and spillage concerns. But any kind of rice bowl, stir fry, curry, salad, etc should be okay. They might be taking antibiotics and those combined with pain meds often lead to gastro intestinal issues so ask how that’s going, offer yogurt and other things to help gut flora repopulate, and suggest foods that are easy to digest. Coincidentally those are traditional sick foods a lot of the time. Smaller amounts of food more often may be better for a while, so go for crackers with toppings, small bowls of stew, some fruit and nuts, little portions of comforting favorites.
You might look into grocery delivery since you won’t have a car. A lot of regular supermarkets do this now, since 2020. It can be more affordable to do delivery than to pay for a Lyft to and from the market, as ridiculous as that may seem.
You friend will be immunocompromised so wear a mask while traveling and when out and about. Be vigilant about washing your hands, too. Gaping wounds are no joke! Don’t feel like you are trapped at home though, just practice reasonable precautions.
I suggest creating a queue of low energy films and shows to watch with them. Nothing that they will need to be riveted for but stuff they can feel fine falling asleep during or stopping and starting a lot. It’s helpful to make a list ahead of time so nobody has to choose in the moment.
Tell your friend congrats on the teat yeet!
posted by Mizu at 6:50 PM on February 1 [3 favorites]
You should be able to work remotely, especially if your schedule is flexible - your friend will probably sleep a lot at first followed by an extremely boring period of recovery, so if you can do work tasks when they are asleep and then plan for some chunks of friend entertaining later on it will likely work out well. But you may prefer to use that quiet time prepping food and doing other caretaking tasks instead. Your friend will also tucker out quickly so on bored days you can probably encourage a nap and get some work done then. Use your best judgement.
There won’t be any problems with their mouth so while a lot of traditional sick foods will be wonderful and comforting you can also eat pretty much anything. Don’t do like, a whole lobster they have to dismantle, or a giant sandwich they have to hold up. Maybe avoid tacos because of head angle and spillage concerns. But any kind of rice bowl, stir fry, curry, salad, etc should be okay. They might be taking antibiotics and those combined with pain meds often lead to gastro intestinal issues so ask how that’s going, offer yogurt and other things to help gut flora repopulate, and suggest foods that are easy to digest. Coincidentally those are traditional sick foods a lot of the time. Smaller amounts of food more often may be better for a while, so go for crackers with toppings, small bowls of stew, some fruit and nuts, little portions of comforting favorites.
You might look into grocery delivery since you won’t have a car. A lot of regular supermarkets do this now, since 2020. It can be more affordable to do delivery than to pay for a Lyft to and from the market, as ridiculous as that may seem.
You friend will be immunocompromised so wear a mask while traveling and when out and about. Be vigilant about washing your hands, too. Gaping wounds are no joke! Don’t feel like you are trapped at home though, just practice reasonable precautions.
I suggest creating a queue of low energy films and shows to watch with them. Nothing that they will need to be riveted for but stuff they can feel fine falling asleep during or stopping and starting a lot. It’s helpful to make a list ahead of time so nobody has to choose in the moment.
Tell your friend congrats on the teat yeet!
posted by Mizu at 6:50 PM on February 1 [3 favorites]
Honestly, it sounds like most of the advice people have given you is applicable to the first week. Drains typically come out one week post-op. There are no dressings to change. (I did buy giant bandaids for nipple protection.)
My mom was there for the first week and a friend came the second week. I really didn't need anyone week two (I was in grad school and went to campus for class; I wasn't teaching that semester), but having someone do the cooking was nice. Day six was the turning point where I felt basically "normal" albeit with restricted movement. I want to say that changing position was fine from day three or so. Remember that it was routine not so long ago for people to be on a plane home 8 or 9 days post-op, sometimes travelling alone. I would expect to be able to work more or less as normal.
I did go to a surgeon who was atypical in that he banned showers for three weeks (one week is more common), so if your friend has long hair and is in a similar boat, they may appreciate help washing it. I just kneeled in the bath and stuck my head under the tap.
One other thought is that you use your arms and chest when you stand up while the bus is still moving in preparation for getting off. I stayed seated longer than usual and basically braced my legs against the seat in front to stand, but I couldn't ride the bus standing for several weeks. Likewise, I drove to the two week post-op (again, somewhat unusual to have more than one), which was fine, except I'm someone who reverses by reaching around the passenger seat and physically turning around, so I suddenly had to be a rearview mirror-only reverser.
posted by hoyland at 9:06 PM on February 1
My mom was there for the first week and a friend came the second week. I really didn't need anyone week two (I was in grad school and went to campus for class; I wasn't teaching that semester), but having someone do the cooking was nice. Day six was the turning point where I felt basically "normal" albeit with restricted movement. I want to say that changing position was fine from day three or so. Remember that it was routine not so long ago for people to be on a plane home 8 or 9 days post-op, sometimes travelling alone. I would expect to be able to work more or less as normal.
I did go to a surgeon who was atypical in that he banned showers for three weeks (one week is more common), so if your friend has long hair and is in a similar boat, they may appreciate help washing it. I just kneeled in the bath and stuck my head under the tap.
One other thought is that you use your arms and chest when you stand up while the bus is still moving in preparation for getting off. I stayed seated longer than usual and basically braced my legs against the seat in front to stand, but I couldn't ride the bus standing for several weeks. Likewise, I drove to the two week post-op (again, somewhat unusual to have more than one), which was fine, except I'm someone who reverses by reaching around the passenger seat and physically turning around, so I suddenly had to be a rearview mirror-only reverser.
posted by hoyland at 9:06 PM on February 1
Honestly, it sounds like most of the advice people have given you is applicable to the first week.
Omg hoyland thank you for pointing this out! Reading comprehension fail, sorry. Everything hoyland says lines up with the experiences of my friends who have shared about their top surgery recovery. By week two they will probably be fully mobile, just with some issues with arm strength and reach. You will probably be the most help in doing stuff they couldn’t get to during the first week and don’t have the full strength to do, like general cleaning and food prep, and tasks that are much easier with another person, like the showerless hair washing mentioned or changing bed sheets. Also laundry; lugging hampers around and bending over and moving heavy wet clothes is hard.
Otherwise your job will probably be company and moral support. Some people have unexpected reactions to surgery, emotionally speaking. It can trigger depression or freak a person out and mess with sleep. So be on the lookout for that and be kind. Also the whole drastically changed body thing can be a doozy, even if it’s really desired changes. Top surgery has gotten a lot more efficient but it can still be pretty gnarly so shortly after the operation and your friend might need some reassurance or maybe even hyping up. They will also probably still sleep more than usual, or at least they ought to be, so don’t plan any late nights out.
posted by Mizu at 10:37 PM on February 1 [1 favorite]
For me the second and third week was when the complications started, so I’d say in addition to everything you’re already planning be prepared to offer a calming and supportive presence if they start to freak out about infections or the possibility of losing a nipple. If there are complications don’t lose your head, see if they have other people in their life who have been through it to check in with and help them stay in contact with their surgical team. Ubers and lyfts are fine for going to and from appointments etc, but local friends with cars are better for morale and community feeling. You should be fine to work while they’re chilling/recovering, they’ll likely want a bit of space and to not feel like they have to ‘entertain’ a guest at all times anyway. Check in with them about how many pillows they’ve got going on and whether they want you to bring more, can never have too many pillows after top surgery.
posted by chives at 2:53 AM on February 2
posted by chives at 2:53 AM on February 2
Also: be on the lookout for them trying to lift their arms above their head to reach for stuff and get those things for them/bring things down off of shelves in advance! Having everything they need within tiny arm reaching distance is essential. It’s the worst to not be able to just reach up and get something out of the cupboard or whatever but doing that causes scar stretching so you have to do the ‘t rex arms’ thing if you want to avoid that. If they’re not walking round in Monty Burns posture they’re using their arms too much, so see if they would like to hear gentle and annoying constant reminders from you (I found those reminders equal parts annoying and helpful and I stopped doing it a little too soon after my support person left, so now I do have some stretch in my scars.)
In terms of how gross it’s likely to be I’d say that just depends on how their recovery is going. Hopefully it all goes super smoothly but it might not do. You might need to help out with some gross stuff so be prepared to be as chill about it as you can. I couldn’t go out at all until at least the third or fourth week because I was just exhausted every time I tried to do anything, so staying at home for the most part is probably the best plan especially if you don’t drive. Skincare and routine wise they should just continue to follow their surgeon’s advice at this stage.
posted by chives at 3:09 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]
In terms of how gross it’s likely to be I’d say that just depends on how their recovery is going. Hopefully it all goes super smoothly but it might not do. You might need to help out with some gross stuff so be prepared to be as chill about it as you can. I couldn’t go out at all until at least the third or fourth week because I was just exhausted every time I tried to do anything, so staying at home for the most part is probably the best plan especially if you don’t drive. Skincare and routine wise they should just continue to follow their surgeon’s advice at this stage.
posted by chives at 3:09 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]
Chores , chores, chores. And cookery. Recovery takes it out of you and at that point low energy will be a big thing. Encourage them to light exercise like short walks in nature (and accompany them) but don't be surprised or passive aggressive if they need a nap afterwards and if vacuuming or scrubbing the bathroom will wait a few weeks unless you take it on yourself.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 6:03 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]
posted by I claim sanctuary at 6:03 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]
It’s the worst to not be able to just reach up and get something out of the cupboard or whatever but doing that causes scar stretching so you have to do the ‘t rex arms’ thing if you want to avoid that.
FWIW, the explicit admonitions about not raising your arms above your head and worrying about scar stretching seem to have originated with one surgeon. He may or may not be correct (we frankly have little way of knowing, though we have many post-op photos from before the surgeon I'm thinking of came on the scene), but tread carefully if you ask your friend about this, as it is easily to fall into acting as if "bad" scars are a moral failure (don't get me started on the implications of this for keloids). However, regardless of whether your friend is actively limiting their range of motion, they're not going to be fetching things down from the top shelf.
posted by hoyland at 6:58 AM on February 2
FWIW, the explicit admonitions about not raising your arms above your head and worrying about scar stretching seem to have originated with one surgeon. He may or may not be correct (we frankly have little way of knowing, though we have many post-op photos from before the surgeon I'm thinking of came on the scene), but tread carefully if you ask your friend about this, as it is easily to fall into acting as if "bad" scars are a moral failure (don't get me started on the implications of this for keloids). However, regardless of whether your friend is actively limiting their range of motion, they're not going to be fetching things down from the top shelf.
posted by hoyland at 6:58 AM on February 2
One helpful thing to bring that I haven't seen mentioned is some kind of body wipes. They won't be able to shower for a while and a way to feel clean is really valuable. :)
Edited to add: if you can make some easy to grab foods while you're there, they will be really appreciate after you leave (lunch salads, hand pies, anything that will need little to no prep work to eat.)
posted by tangosnail at 8:07 AM on February 2
Edited to add: if you can make some easy to grab foods while you're there, they will be really appreciate after you leave (lunch salads, hand pies, anything that will need little to no prep work to eat.)
posted by tangosnail at 8:07 AM on February 2
Just wanted to add that this: By week two they will probably be fully mobile, just with some issues with arm strength and reach was NOT my experience at all. For me, week 2 and 3 were much worse than week 1, since the good pain meds were wearing off, coming off of gabapentin was giving me constant panic attacks, I still had drains in, and I still really couldn't do simple things like open the freezer door or walk around the block. Fingers crossed your friend has an easy type of recovery and not a hard type, but do be prepared for all outcomes.
Things that were especially helpful to me that haven't been mentioned yet or that I want to +1: keeping my giant sippy cup of ice water full at all times without me having to ask, suggesting dumb TV shows and movies to watch so I didn't have to spend brain power deciding, super gentle shoulder massage or head massage, someone helping to strip and dump my drains for me (I could do it myself, but it was pretty gross), lots of little treats that made the experience feel celebratory (various friends brought flowers, party balloons, coloring books, candies, and a fancy new shirt for me to wear after recovery and all of those things made me feel really warm and fuzzy).
Also, your friend's milage might certainly vary, but I remember being a little bummed out that none of my friends were effusive about how I looked after surgery. I'm sure I looked like I had been run over by a truck, but a simple "your chest is looking so fantastic, you're going to be so hot, I'm so happy for you" would have been great to hear.
posted by LeeLanded at 11:14 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]
Things that were especially helpful to me that haven't been mentioned yet or that I want to +1: keeping my giant sippy cup of ice water full at all times without me having to ask, suggesting dumb TV shows and movies to watch so I didn't have to spend brain power deciding, super gentle shoulder massage or head massage, someone helping to strip and dump my drains for me (I could do it myself, but it was pretty gross), lots of little treats that made the experience feel celebratory (various friends brought flowers, party balloons, coloring books, candies, and a fancy new shirt for me to wear after recovery and all of those things made me feel really warm and fuzzy).
Also, your friend's milage might certainly vary, but I remember being a little bummed out that none of my friends were effusive about how I looked after surgery. I'm sure I looked like I had been run over by a truck, but a simple "your chest is looking so fantastic, you're going to be so hot, I'm so happy for you" would have been great to hear.
posted by LeeLanded at 11:14 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]
To what hoyland said - I agree that it’s best not to assume they want to take this advice into account or be reminded about it. It makes sense to check with them first about whether scar stretching is a concern for them or whether they’d appreciate those reminders. Obviously don’t go into a conversation about that acting as though ‘bad scarring is a moral failure’ because that would be wildly inappropriate, but hopefully that goes without saying! For me (and every other trans person I know who’s had top surgery who I’ve talked about recovery with) it was part of the advice I got from my surgical team - no heavy lifting and don’t be reaching up to the top shelf to get things because of risk of stretching. I know I and my partner both had to be consistently reminded about it since it’s so easy to forget and unnatural not to stretch your arms out to their full range of motion once it becomes not-painful to do so. I personally found the reminders helpful and ultimately I would have liked to have had less obvious scarring than I ended up with, and I think at least partly that’s because I had to do more with my arms than would have been ideal toward the tail end of healing. Obviously it’s different for different people so gently check with your friend to see whether this advice is something they care about and are planning on doing/whether they want your help with reminders about doing too much. Or feel free to disregard this advice entirely, just sharing what was helpful for me in my own recovery.
posted by chives at 11:38 AM on February 2
posted by chives at 11:38 AM on February 2
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