On other peoples' aggression, and my response to it
December 15, 2023 3:50 PM Subscribe
How do I best change my responses to someone else's anger, so that I am calmer and less fearful?
When someone directs anger towards me, and expresses it loudly and/or with bad language, my mind blanks. My fight-or-flight response kicks in, and I feel extremely threatened. I then lose the capacity to do anything except react to flee or, barring that, end the situation asap. It seems I am more sensitive to this kind of anger than other people, based on my observations of how friends and co-workers respond to similar incidents of aggression. They are not happy to be treated like this, but do not seem on the point of a complete panic attack, either.
This applies both to situations at my job, and to situations outside of work.
Examples:
As an at-work example, someone who shows up at the counter is told that they booked an appointment, but for a different date than what they have in their head. When informed that the actual date they booked has passed and that unfortunately, their booking is now non-refundable, they refuse to believe that the error is their own, even when shown proof. Some people are fairly polite in expressing their anger and eventually accept the proof. Others refuse to accept it and let loose. They tell me I personally have ruined their (insert appointment type and need), am part of a thieving organization, and so on. Some people hurl insults over their shoulders all the way out the door. I feel my face grow hot and my hands grow clammy.
As an outside of work example, I park my car next to a spot where a motorcycle is
s parked. My car is touching, but not crossing, the white lines of my parking space, and it is somewhat crooked. I could do a better job of getting my vehicle centered in my spot, but I am tired and it has been a long day. Out of nowhere (it seems) the owner of the motorcycle is in my face, screaming abuse and invective about my character at the top of his lungs. His complaint is that I am encroaching on the spot in which his expensive (gives $$$ amount) machine is parked. No amount of asking this man to speak to me in a reasonable manner about the issue, has an effect. I drive away with my hands shaking, my heart pounding, and the guy still giving the middle finger to my rear view mirror.
The examples are in different settings, and the second one is admittedly worse than the first, except that I experience variants of the first example on a regular basis, while the second example is one I have not experienced before and hope never to experience again. Either way, though, it is my reaction I want to subdue, even if I cannot entirely change it. I am tired of the feeling of panic, imminent tears, and the feeling that if someone yells at me like that, I have done something to deserve it. Rationally, I know I have done nothing to deserve such treatment. My anxiety (medicated) has different ideas. I am tired of letting angry people get me to a point where I am so upset that I want to shut down for the rest of the day.
To be clear: I do not know how NOT to take it personally. When people act that way towards me, feels like an attack in my person, and so I perceive it... personally. "Don't take it personally" is not a phrase that makes sense to me. If someone could explain to me why it should, I am all ears.
TL;DR: I respond with panic and fear when a person who is upset is expressing an above-average level of aggression towards me. I would like advice on how to calm down in the moment that it is happening. My goal is to be more in control of the amount of fear I feel, and not let one person ruin my day.
Please note that I do not need advice to quit my job, as issues like this aside, I actually like where I work; and secondly, yes, I have a therapist.
When someone directs anger towards me, and expresses it loudly and/or with bad language, my mind blanks. My fight-or-flight response kicks in, and I feel extremely threatened. I then lose the capacity to do anything except react to flee or, barring that, end the situation asap. It seems I am more sensitive to this kind of anger than other people, based on my observations of how friends and co-workers respond to similar incidents of aggression. They are not happy to be treated like this, but do not seem on the point of a complete panic attack, either.
This applies both to situations at my job, and to situations outside of work.
Examples:
As an at-work example, someone who shows up at the counter is told that they booked an appointment, but for a different date than what they have in their head. When informed that the actual date they booked has passed and that unfortunately, their booking is now non-refundable, they refuse to believe that the error is their own, even when shown proof. Some people are fairly polite in expressing their anger and eventually accept the proof. Others refuse to accept it and let loose. They tell me I personally have ruined their (insert appointment type and need), am part of a thieving organization, and so on. Some people hurl insults over their shoulders all the way out the door. I feel my face grow hot and my hands grow clammy.
As an outside of work example, I park my car next to a spot where a motorcycle is
s parked. My car is touching, but not crossing, the white lines of my parking space, and it is somewhat crooked. I could do a better job of getting my vehicle centered in my spot, but I am tired and it has been a long day. Out of nowhere (it seems) the owner of the motorcycle is in my face, screaming abuse and invective about my character at the top of his lungs. His complaint is that I am encroaching on the spot in which his expensive (gives $$$ amount) machine is parked. No amount of asking this man to speak to me in a reasonable manner about the issue, has an effect. I drive away with my hands shaking, my heart pounding, and the guy still giving the middle finger to my rear view mirror.
The examples are in different settings, and the second one is admittedly worse than the first, except that I experience variants of the first example on a regular basis, while the second example is one I have not experienced before and hope never to experience again. Either way, though, it is my reaction I want to subdue, even if I cannot entirely change it. I am tired of the feeling of panic, imminent tears, and the feeling that if someone yells at me like that, I have done something to deserve it. Rationally, I know I have done nothing to deserve such treatment. My anxiety (medicated) has different ideas. I am tired of letting angry people get me to a point where I am so upset that I want to shut down for the rest of the day.
To be clear: I do not know how NOT to take it personally. When people act that way towards me, feels like an attack in my person, and so I perceive it... personally. "Don't take it personally" is not a phrase that makes sense to me. If someone could explain to me why it should, I am all ears.
TL;DR: I respond with panic and fear when a person who is upset is expressing an above-average level of aggression towards me. I would like advice on how to calm down in the moment that it is happening. My goal is to be more in control of the amount of fear I feel, and not let one person ruin my day.
Please note that I do not need advice to quit my job, as issues like this aside, I actually like where I work; and secondly, yes, I have a therapist.
Two tactics offered to me that I've used in similar situations. These work to build internal narrative and are not for use in physically assaultive situations.
The first a friend shared about a heinous person who would not let up over years, advising me, "Don't get any on you." Works as a shorthand to remind yourself that this is their problem. An allied notion is be glad you're you and not them.
The second, a gesture taught by my dearly departed therapist. Your arm at full length with palm indicating "Stop." Likely not used literally, but a useful mental strategy, holding the attacker out there.
Both can give you a sense of distance and power.
posted by xaryts at 4:18 PM on December 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
The first a friend shared about a heinous person who would not let up over years, advising me, "Don't get any on you." Works as a shorthand to remind yourself that this is their problem. An allied notion is be glad you're you and not them.
The second, a gesture taught by my dearly departed therapist. Your arm at full length with palm indicating "Stop." Likely not used literally, but a useful mental strategy, holding the attacker out there.
Both can give you a sense of distance and power.
posted by xaryts at 4:18 PM on December 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
These are scary situations nobody should have to deal with, and you're not some delicate flower for finding them traumatic. But I had a quick look at your previous asks and I get the impression that you're having a harder time dealing with other people's aggression than you used to. In this question, for example, you talk about how you were seething in response to a person behaving aggressively, but you don't talk about panicking. If this panic is new or it's gotten worse, try to trace it to its source. Have you experienced some recent trauma that's made you more sensitive to aggression? Or could it be that people repeatedly freaking out on you at work is wearing you down more than you realize?
As for how to deal with it... perhaps, when you see people just beginning to lose their shit, you could try to do the grey rock thing. Emotionally disengage and become as dull as possible, giving the aggressor nothing to work with. Alternately, you could try to shift your reaction to pity, or contempt. People behave a lot like tiny children when they're really steamed, and when you realize that it can make their anger kind of embarrassing to watch. They've lost control and they're throwing a tantrum. You are the adult in the room. Years ago I heard somebody talking about dealing with nervousness, and they suggested planting your feet and centering yourself. I've tried that since, and it does help a bit. It reminds you that you're not just a helpless, wispy thing borne on the wind; you have weight in the world.
Finally, remember the wise words from Doctor Who about the power of being scared: "Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard, I can feel it through your hands. So much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain, it's like rocket fuel. Right now, you can run faster and you can fight harder, you can jump higher than ever in your life. And you are so alert, it's like you can slow down time. What's wrong with scared? Scared is a super power. It's your super power. There is danger is this room, and guess what? It's you! You feel it?"
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:45 PM on December 15, 2023 [8 favorites]
As for how to deal with it... perhaps, when you see people just beginning to lose their shit, you could try to do the grey rock thing. Emotionally disengage and become as dull as possible, giving the aggressor nothing to work with. Alternately, you could try to shift your reaction to pity, or contempt. People behave a lot like tiny children when they're really steamed, and when you realize that it can make their anger kind of embarrassing to watch. They've lost control and they're throwing a tantrum. You are the adult in the room. Years ago I heard somebody talking about dealing with nervousness, and they suggested planting your feet and centering yourself. I've tried that since, and it does help a bit. It reminds you that you're not just a helpless, wispy thing borne on the wind; you have weight in the world.
Finally, remember the wise words from Doctor Who about the power of being scared: "Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard, I can feel it through your hands. So much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain, it's like rocket fuel. Right now, you can run faster and you can fight harder, you can jump higher than ever in your life. And you are so alert, it's like you can slow down time. What's wrong with scared? Scared is a super power. It's your super power. There is danger is this room, and guess what? It's you! You feel it?"
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:45 PM on December 15, 2023 [8 favorites]
At work, try to pass off the verbally abusive customers to the management. (Doesn’t work if you’re the management!) Escalate quickly and proactively, without shame. You should not have to deal with an abusive workplace alone.
It may sound histrionic to call the trauma that you are enduring at work a workplace injury but it is. You prevent injuries by having better systems and processes to prevent injury, not by relying on the heroics of an individual.
posted by shock muppet at 5:01 PM on December 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
It may sound histrionic to call the trauma that you are enduring at work a workplace injury but it is. You prevent injuries by having better systems and processes to prevent injury, not by relying on the heroics of an individual.
posted by shock muppet at 5:01 PM on December 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
I “don’t take it personally” in one of two ways.
I think of them as a child, after all, they are acting like one! They are hungry, being stupid, whatever. They are incapable of regulating their feelings, and while it is not my fault, I can guide them through it.
I focus on the minutiae of the situation. Did the guy think he’d be raging out when he picked the shirt with Hawaiian flowers? Wow, there is a lot of spittle forming on their mouth, that’s gotta be uncomfortable. Her forehead has a lot of wrinkles when she’s shouting so loud. Weird.
posted by Monday at 5:01 PM on December 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think of them as a child, after all, they are acting like one! They are hungry, being stupid, whatever. They are incapable of regulating their feelings, and while it is not my fault, I can guide them through it.
I focus on the minutiae of the situation. Did the guy think he’d be raging out when he picked the shirt with Hawaiian flowers? Wow, there is a lot of spittle forming on their mouth, that’s gotta be uncomfortable. Her forehead has a lot of wrinkles when she’s shouting so loud. Weird.
posted by Monday at 5:01 PM on December 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
I agree that at work you should not be subjected to that. But on a pragmatic level -
Take martial arts. What happens in a martial arts class (after a while in some disciplines; for some, right away) is that as you start sparring/grapling, you will physically have some of those responses (like ducking or feeling pinned down) but in a controlled environment for a short amount of time. And then you can start to have some mastery over them.
After time, I personally found that I was able to be less reactive -- not non-reactive, but much, much less so, particularly to anger. I can't fully explain why (like, it's not that I'm super skilled at self-defense) but I've seen it in other people too.
I went from someone where a chance encounter would trigger me for like 36 hrs of nightmares and high adrenaline to, over Covid, when an enraged parent loomed over me and threatened to punch me in the face, being able to calmly say "go ahead," and mean it (I knew I had backup in the building) and be fine.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:20 PM on December 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
Take martial arts. What happens in a martial arts class (after a while in some disciplines; for some, right away) is that as you start sparring/grapling, you will physically have some of those responses (like ducking or feeling pinned down) but in a controlled environment for a short amount of time. And then you can start to have some mastery over them.
After time, I personally found that I was able to be less reactive -- not non-reactive, but much, much less so, particularly to anger. I can't fully explain why (like, it's not that I'm super skilled at self-defense) but I've seen it in other people too.
I went from someone where a chance encounter would trigger me for like 36 hrs of nightmares and high adrenaline to, over Covid, when an enraged parent loomed over me and threatened to punch me in the face, being able to calmly say "go ahead," and mean it (I knew I had backup in the building) and be fine.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:20 PM on December 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
At work: where I work, there is a level where we go get a manager and/or security. Anything with prolonged raised voice, slamming anything, actual threats however vague, and the first instance of profanity. That is where it is no longer my job. Your work needs to figure out that boundary and make possible for you to defend it. Behavior like you're describing in the worst cases should ideally not be something you deal with and should get that person banned at least for a while.
How you can handle an angry person is 1) Listen to their story and 2) express dismay and 3) offer them the choice on how to move on: when do you want to reschedule? If it goes more than 15 minutes or they start crossing the line, it's time for manager/security. You can give one warning like "Don't raise your voice at me or call me names. Your choices now are reschedule, talk to my manager, or leave. Do you understand?" But it's manager/security time if they can't make the right choice.
Don't take it personally means that their choices have nothing to do with you, but with the situation. You did your part. You showed up for work, scheduled people, and now you are trying to help fix it. They are the one choosing to be a jerk. Nothing here is about you, but about the situation.
With the motorcyclist, that is a safety issue. If I could leave, I would. If I didn't want to leave and didn't think I was threatened, I would probably be like "yup, you're right, I'm out to get you personally, uh huh, that's right, go ahead and yell at a stranger, keep going, this makes you look real good, bet you're proud of yourself right now, is this where you need to be? I thought you maybe had somewhere to go?" until they got tired and left. You can only yell so long, you know? But in my case, my mild-to-moderate asshole comes out when I feel bullied. I would also consider "fixing it" by parking worse.
If I felt it was a real threat I'd take their picture, lock my car, and call 911, or I'd go to where people are and call 911. You should always err on the side of safety.
And, this is another situation where you did nothing to that guy-- he's just choosing to be an asshole. He could have said "Excuse me, could you park a little further away? I'm super nervous about my bike." But he's choosing not to do that, and again, none of that choice is caused by you.
posted by blnkfrnk at 8:27 PM on December 15, 2023
How you can handle an angry person is 1) Listen to their story and 2) express dismay and 3) offer them the choice on how to move on: when do you want to reschedule? If it goes more than 15 minutes or they start crossing the line, it's time for manager/security. You can give one warning like "Don't raise your voice at me or call me names. Your choices now are reschedule, talk to my manager, or leave. Do you understand?" But it's manager/security time if they can't make the right choice.
Don't take it personally means that their choices have nothing to do with you, but with the situation. You did your part. You showed up for work, scheduled people, and now you are trying to help fix it. They are the one choosing to be a jerk. Nothing here is about you, but about the situation.
With the motorcyclist, that is a safety issue. If I could leave, I would. If I didn't want to leave and didn't think I was threatened, I would probably be like "yup, you're right, I'm out to get you personally, uh huh, that's right, go ahead and yell at a stranger, keep going, this makes you look real good, bet you're proud of yourself right now, is this where you need to be? I thought you maybe had somewhere to go?" until they got tired and left. You can only yell so long, you know? But in my case, my mild-to-moderate asshole comes out when I feel bullied. I would also consider "fixing it" by parking worse.
If I felt it was a real threat I'd take their picture, lock my car, and call 911, or I'd go to where people are and call 911. You should always err on the side of safety.
And, this is another situation where you did nothing to that guy-- he's just choosing to be an asshole. He could have said "Excuse me, could you park a little further away? I'm super nervous about my bike." But he's choosing not to do that, and again, none of that choice is caused by you.
posted by blnkfrnk at 8:27 PM on December 15, 2023
(I'm autistic so all my resources are about neurodivergence, but they apply to others as well.)
An out of proportion response to anger can be called Rejection Sensitivity. "Out of proportion" not meaning "irrational" or "wrong", but a reaction that feels harmful to you, a reaction that you struggle with.
The following article explains what rejection sensitivity is, and it has some very good, practical advice on how to deal with it.
How to deal with Rejection Sensitivity
posted by Zumbador at 8:51 PM on December 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
An out of proportion response to anger can be called Rejection Sensitivity. "Out of proportion" not meaning "irrational" or "wrong", but a reaction that feels harmful to you, a reaction that you struggle with.
The following article explains what rejection sensitivity is, and it has some very good, practical advice on how to deal with it.
How to deal with Rejection Sensitivity
posted by Zumbador at 8:51 PM on December 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
Either way, though, it is my reaction I want to subdue, even if I cannot entirely change it.
Some of what you want is achievable. The trick is teasing apart what kind of some, and learning to suppress the parts that are actually suppressible, to accept the effects of the parts that are not, and to construct your internal narratives in ways that prevent retriggering of the latter so that you don't need more forbearance than you have available.
I am tired of the feeling of panic, imminent tears, and the feeling that if someone yells at me like that, I have done something to deserve it.
Right there is an opportunity to begin that teasing-apart.
Panic and imminent tears are feelings; they're whole-body emotional responses to sudden stress and as such there is nothing whatsoever that you can or should do about suppressing them. But the thought that you have done something to deserve this feeling is not itself a feeling. Not even if the only time it occurs to you is in the presence of such feelings.
That thought is a Just So story, a plausible-sounding internal explanation or account for the unpleasant feelings you're currently experiencing. It's an explanation that you have been taught. You can and should teach yourself a different one, and the pointers that MiraK provided upthread are all solid foundations for that work.
Apart from being incorrect in almost all cases, the thought that you deserve to have been subjected to the sudden stress that's the actual explanation for an unpleasant emotional reaction is itself a trigger for further distress; and it's very very easy for that further emotional distress to re-prompt the same it's-my-fault belief and become self-reinforcing, piling up layers on top of itself until the result is completely overwhelming.
Rationally, I know I have done nothing to deserve such treatment.
That's a really good start.
My anxiety (medicated) has different ideas.
Things to understand about rationality are that (a) it's a complicated undertaking, which makes it inherently slower than most of the other processing our brains and bodies do and (b) the bits of the brain where most of it happens tend to get shut down in moments of stress, as blood flow gets redirected to the more rapidly reactive parts that promote in-the-moment survival.
But there's an end run around that difficulty, which is practice. Practising any activity, done regularly, with specific and conscious intent, builds skill at performing that activity. And what helps anxiety, more than anything else I know, is practising calm.
This is something that needs time set aside for it, and an environment created conducive to pursuing it. Find something that gets you to a place of calm and do it every day while putting your attention on that calm and the sequence of internal emotional states by which it comes to you. Could be a seated meditation, could be a fast walk up a stairwell, could be martial arts training. Whatever works for you. Something will. Several somethings would be better still, because they'd let you compare internal notes and reinforce the common threads.
I am tired of letting angry people get me to a point where I am so upset that I want to shut down for the rest of the day.
Only fair and reasonable. I expect that if you accept that being upset by upsetting things is also completely fair and reasonable, and avoid trying to tackle that upset head-on, and instead make it your goal to reduce the amount of time for which you need to exist in a shut-down state afterwards, then you will reach a point where instead of these things costing you an entire day you can blow almost all of them off with a few minutes of breath focus or a brisk ten-minute walk.
posted by flabdablet at 10:19 PM on December 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Some of what you want is achievable. The trick is teasing apart what kind of some, and learning to suppress the parts that are actually suppressible, to accept the effects of the parts that are not, and to construct your internal narratives in ways that prevent retriggering of the latter so that you don't need more forbearance than you have available.
I am tired of the feeling of panic, imminent tears, and the feeling that if someone yells at me like that, I have done something to deserve it.
Right there is an opportunity to begin that teasing-apart.
Panic and imminent tears are feelings; they're whole-body emotional responses to sudden stress and as such there is nothing whatsoever that you can or should do about suppressing them. But the thought that you have done something to deserve this feeling is not itself a feeling. Not even if the only time it occurs to you is in the presence of such feelings.
That thought is a Just So story, a plausible-sounding internal explanation or account for the unpleasant feelings you're currently experiencing. It's an explanation that you have been taught. You can and should teach yourself a different one, and the pointers that MiraK provided upthread are all solid foundations for that work.
Apart from being incorrect in almost all cases, the thought that you deserve to have been subjected to the sudden stress that's the actual explanation for an unpleasant emotional reaction is itself a trigger for further distress; and it's very very easy for that further emotional distress to re-prompt the same it's-my-fault belief and become self-reinforcing, piling up layers on top of itself until the result is completely overwhelming.
Rationally, I know I have done nothing to deserve such treatment.
That's a really good start.
My anxiety (medicated) has different ideas.
Things to understand about rationality are that (a) it's a complicated undertaking, which makes it inherently slower than most of the other processing our brains and bodies do and (b) the bits of the brain where most of it happens tend to get shut down in moments of stress, as blood flow gets redirected to the more rapidly reactive parts that promote in-the-moment survival.
But there's an end run around that difficulty, which is practice. Practising any activity, done regularly, with specific and conscious intent, builds skill at performing that activity. And what helps anxiety, more than anything else I know, is practising calm.
This is something that needs time set aside for it, and an environment created conducive to pursuing it. Find something that gets you to a place of calm and do it every day while putting your attention on that calm and the sequence of internal emotional states by which it comes to you. Could be a seated meditation, could be a fast walk up a stairwell, could be martial arts training. Whatever works for you. Something will. Several somethings would be better still, because they'd let you compare internal notes and reinforce the common threads.
I am tired of letting angry people get me to a point where I am so upset that I want to shut down for the rest of the day.
Only fair and reasonable. I expect that if you accept that being upset by upsetting things is also completely fair and reasonable, and avoid trying to tackle that upset head-on, and instead make it your goal to reduce the amount of time for which you need to exist in a shut-down state afterwards, then you will reach a point where instead of these things costing you an entire day you can blow almost all of them off with a few minutes of breath focus or a brisk ten-minute walk.
posted by flabdablet at 10:19 PM on December 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
What worked for me was to cultivate a sense of disgust towards the unreasonably angry person. “Oh, you’re gonna do that? Wow, you just lost my respect. I don’t wanna be anywhere near you. Get your cooties off of me.”
Disgust is a healthy emotion that we experience when something or someone is bad for us. It creates an impulse to get away from whatever is causing it and avoid it in the future. Disgust also creates emotional separation, which sounds like it could be helpful regardless of whether you can get away.
posted by danceswithlight at 11:22 PM on December 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Disgust is a healthy emotion that we experience when something or someone is bad for us. It creates an impulse to get away from whatever is causing it and avoid it in the future. Disgust also creates emotional separation, which sounds like it could be helpful regardless of whether you can get away.
posted by danceswithlight at 11:22 PM on December 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Don't take it personally means don't assume it's appropriate or accurate or otherwise happening because of something you did or deserve. It means that the behavior you're witnessing is someone else's tantrum, you just happen to be standing there.
People act in the ways you describe because of their own anxiety and trauma. It can make a huge shift in perspective just to feel sorry for them, and embarrassed for them, that whatever is going on with them is SO bad this is how they're engaging with the world. (And this appears to be getting worse generally, which I'm sure has absolutely nothing to do with with a widely-spread virus that includes brain damage in its risks.)
The number one way to control your startle/fear reaction when it happens is to have a plan, one that you have made and practiced without the massive adrenaline spike you'll have in a real confrontation. For work, talk to your management. I personally do not call the police on anyone anymore unless I really really have to, but the threat of doing so will often snap people out of the tantrum. So will gesturing to (nonexistent?) security cameras. Know what phrases you're going to use, like "I understand this is frustrating" or "This happens to a lot of people; we try to call and confirm in advance" (or whatever you actually do - or implement confirmations if you haven't), and you can say that soothingly and you can also a little bit talk to them like a child, which will absolutely piss some people off but a lot of times they'll still accidentally lower their voice and tone to match your soft measured one.
There are courses you can take in conflict management, particularly geared toward customer service, that will teach you other techniques. It's training, you need training for dealing with this.
Most of the same techniques work on rando freakouts, but the number one thing to practice is NOT to respond as if y'all are having a reasonable debate. You are not, and you cannot win this. If someone freaks out at you, just keep saying "okay" until you are safely locked in your car and making a show of (not) dialing 911. Nobody is starting shit with you hoping to have a meaningful engagement; they just want the dopamine and adrenaline, they are angry at someone/thing else entirely and you just happen to be there when they snap, and you do not have to consent to be their neurochemical dealer.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:14 AM on December 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
People act in the ways you describe because of their own anxiety and trauma. It can make a huge shift in perspective just to feel sorry for them, and embarrassed for them, that whatever is going on with them is SO bad this is how they're engaging with the world. (And this appears to be getting worse generally, which I'm sure has absolutely nothing to do with with a widely-spread virus that includes brain damage in its risks.)
The number one way to control your startle/fear reaction when it happens is to have a plan, one that you have made and practiced without the massive adrenaline spike you'll have in a real confrontation. For work, talk to your management. I personally do not call the police on anyone anymore unless I really really have to, but the threat of doing so will often snap people out of the tantrum. So will gesturing to (nonexistent?) security cameras. Know what phrases you're going to use, like "I understand this is frustrating" or "This happens to a lot of people; we try to call and confirm in advance" (or whatever you actually do - or implement confirmations if you haven't), and you can say that soothingly and you can also a little bit talk to them like a child, which will absolutely piss some people off but a lot of times they'll still accidentally lower their voice and tone to match your soft measured one.
There are courses you can take in conflict management, particularly geared toward customer service, that will teach you other techniques. It's training, you need training for dealing with this.
Most of the same techniques work on rando freakouts, but the number one thing to practice is NOT to respond as if y'all are having a reasonable debate. You are not, and you cannot win this. If someone freaks out at you, just keep saying "okay" until you are safely locked in your car and making a show of (not) dialing 911. Nobody is starting shit with you hoping to have a meaningful engagement; they just want the dopamine and adrenaline, they are angry at someone/thing else entirely and you just happen to be there when they snap, and you do not have to consent to be their neurochemical dealer.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:14 AM on December 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think the first thing you need to do is calm the immediate flight/fight panic. You won't be able to get it all the way down to zero but you need to give your logical brain a chance to take over. Some different ideas:
- have a plan and practice. if you know exactly what you want to do and say then you do that (without having to figure it out in the moment) even if your insides are still freaking out
- Visualize something that makes it clear that they can't hurt you (obviously I'm talking about mild cases, not where the fear is valid) My choice might be a wall of solid clear ice between me and the customer. Imagine their hot words hit the ice and either bounce off or slow way, way down so by the time they get to your side they are no longer hot flames but just small little balls of ice that you can hear but can't hurt you.
- Put your hand on your chest and tell yourself (silently) "Everything is fine, this is OK, I can handle it" and maybe add "and if it gets too much, then I can [backup plan]
- treat it like a boggart from Harry Potter - say "Ridiculous" and imagine them transformed in a way that makes it laughable instead of scary
posted by metahawk at 11:36 AM on December 16, 2023
- have a plan and practice. if you know exactly what you want to do and say then you do that (without having to figure it out in the moment) even if your insides are still freaking out
- Visualize something that makes it clear that they can't hurt you (obviously I'm talking about mild cases, not where the fear is valid) My choice might be a wall of solid clear ice between me and the customer. Imagine their hot words hit the ice and either bounce off or slow way, way down so by the time they get to your side they are no longer hot flames but just small little balls of ice that you can hear but can't hurt you.
- Put your hand on your chest and tell yourself (silently) "Everything is fine, this is OK, I can handle it" and maybe add "and if it gets too much, then I can [backup plan]
- treat it like a boggart from Harry Potter - say "Ridiculous" and imagine them transformed in a way that makes it laughable instead of scary
posted by metahawk at 11:36 AM on December 16, 2023
For me, personally, I can keep calmer than my body wants to be by treating people like animals. Literally. If a dog or a horse or a cow is aggressive or scared (and it is not like we humans can clock this 100%), I go chill. So if I have a client issue where they are frothing at the mouth, I picture a feral cat in a live-catch trap on the way to the spay-neuter clinic and act according. As if they have no idea what is going on and it will be best for both of us if we can get through this calmly.
So, in the spirit of picturing the audience as naked and vulnerable to get over your fear of public speaking, just imagine this angry client is a trapped animal freaking out and relying on our calm to get through.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:31 PM on December 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
So, in the spirit of picturing the audience as naked and vulnerable to get over your fear of public speaking, just imagine this angry client is a trapped animal freaking out and relying on our calm to get through.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:31 PM on December 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
And remind yourself that they don't know you're about to spay-neuter them, they're just not happy being where they are.
posted by flabdablet at 9:29 PM on December 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 9:29 PM on December 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
You got a terrific reply from MiraK right out of the gate, about the mental acts of taking it personally or not. As a concrete approach to practicing those mental acts, I recommend writing in a journal. Write about an experience like that, big or small, every day. Optionally take a break and do something else -- let your mind rest for a few minutes, do something creative with your hands, take a short walk, do some stretches. Then write back at some of the personalizing beliefs from MiraK's reply that showed up in that experience.
I will second all the replies that say your response to these experiences is appropriate in its intensity, it's the duration of your response that seems to be the problem. After a really alarming experience, it's normal to need 20 minutes to get back to baseline. It's the fact that the stress is getting stuck for the rest of the day that's the problem. I can suggest two approaches and an idea.
The idea may or may not apply. I don't know you. But for myself, keyed-up emotions getting stuck is an ADHD symptom.
Approach 1: Mindfulness in Daily Life is a meditation path that revolves around softening your relationship with your experiences. Behind that link there are also options for two more specific, shorter sequences of practice that you might decide to start with -- one for retraining anxious breathing patterns, one for establishing a daily meditation habit.
Approach 2: Find some pieces of music, 3 or 4 minutes long, that invoke a feeling for you: anger, hate, grief, caring love, erotic desire, joy, reverence. Make sure and get one for either love or joy; fill in the rest as you can. ("Ode to Joy" works well for me, or Holst's "Jupiter, the bringer of jollity.") Put them in that order. A couple times a week, or every day if you want, listen to them and express them with some kind of movement. The movement can be as subtle as setting one finger on a slightly yielding surface and pressing on it along with the music in ways that feel angry, woeful, loving, joyous, etc.
Within the first 3 times you try this, you will probably have the experience of needing a minute to get into each emotion, and then being in tune with it, and then getting a little bit satiated with it by the time the piece ends. Then, hopefully, over time you will find that you get into the emotions more agilely and let them flow away more freely.
(Approach 2 is an adaptation of "Sentic Cycles" by Manfred Clynes. Until his death, you could order a sound recording that contained cue words for the emotions and appropriately timed knocking sounds cueing you to express them. But that was based on his research into musical expression, so music is an appropriate substitute.)
posted by eritain at 10:51 AM on January 8
I will second all the replies that say your response to these experiences is appropriate in its intensity, it's the duration of your response that seems to be the problem. After a really alarming experience, it's normal to need 20 minutes to get back to baseline. It's the fact that the stress is getting stuck for the rest of the day that's the problem. I can suggest two approaches and an idea.
The idea may or may not apply. I don't know you. But for myself, keyed-up emotions getting stuck is an ADHD symptom.
Approach 1: Mindfulness in Daily Life is a meditation path that revolves around softening your relationship with your experiences. Behind that link there are also options for two more specific, shorter sequences of practice that you might decide to start with -- one for retraining anxious breathing patterns, one for establishing a daily meditation habit.
Approach 2: Find some pieces of music, 3 or 4 minutes long, that invoke a feeling for you: anger, hate, grief, caring love, erotic desire, joy, reverence. Make sure and get one for either love or joy; fill in the rest as you can. ("Ode to Joy" works well for me, or Holst's "Jupiter, the bringer of jollity.") Put them in that order. A couple times a week, or every day if you want, listen to them and express them with some kind of movement. The movement can be as subtle as setting one finger on a slightly yielding surface and pressing on it along with the music in ways that feel angry, woeful, loving, joyous, etc.
Within the first 3 times you try this, you will probably have the experience of needing a minute to get into each emotion, and then being in tune with it, and then getting a little bit satiated with it by the time the piece ends. Then, hopefully, over time you will find that you get into the emotions more agilely and let them flow away more freely.
(Approach 2 is an adaptation of "Sentic Cycles" by Manfred Clynes. Until his death, you could order a sound recording that contained cue words for the emotions and appropriately timed knocking sounds cueing you to express them. But that was based on his research into musical expression, so music is an appropriate substitute.)
posted by eritain at 10:51 AM on January 8
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But the rest of your Ask is also valid:
> "Don't take it personally" is not a phrase that makes sense to me. If someone could explain to me why it should, I am all ears.
I hear ya! I used to have the same issue, in that I literally didn't understand the meaning of that sentence. Then I did understand it and ... surprisingly, it helped me a lot. Just knowing what those words meant made it possible for me to start practicing it. So:
"Taking it personally" involves any combination of the following beliefs:
- this person is talking to you
- this person's judgment of you might be accurate
- this person's angry feelings are a problem YOU need to solve
- this person's anger necessitates your remorse and amends
- this person's anger is your fault
- this person's complaints about you are valid
- this person's feelings towards you matter in your life
- this person's anger might have serious repercussions for you
- this person's anger might end your career/ your reputation/ etc.
To "stop taking it personally", you need to let go of alllllll those beliefs except maybe the last two, which are realistic depending on the situation. (Like in the second scenario, yeah, that person's anger might have ended your physical safety or he might have damaged your car in a rage. And in the first scenario, that person might have complained about you to your manager and dinged your rating/reputation at work, idk, you know best!)
So. To begin at the beginning, ESPECIALLY because you're a customer-facing worker, you need to understand that:
- Angry customers are not talking to you. They are ranting out loud because they have no manners and they think this is an acceptable way to vent. Anything they say to you has as much relevance to you as a dog barking. It isn't addressed to you. It's just some sounds coming in your direction.
- Angry customers don't know shit about you, and therefore their judgements of you are worthless, invalid, automatically wrong. Always.
- Angry customers have angry feelings. These feelings are their own. You don't get to manage their feelings for them. You don't get to solve their feelings for them. You don't even have to pay any attention to their feelings. Their anger as wholly unconnected to you as the bark of a stray dog's anger. It would be silly to even try to manage their anger. Let them be angry. Let them bark.
- Angry customers can continue to be angry for all you care. You can try to help them to the extent your job allows, if you like, but you don't have to be remorseful or contrite ON THE INSIDE. Their anger is their own. Not your problem. You are a separate person unconnected to them.
- Angry customers' feelings are their own. You do not have control over their feelings. It can't possibly be your fault. It has nothing to do with you at all.
- Angry customers' complaints about you are as valid as a stray dog's barking is a valid criticism of the way you walk. They don't know anything about you. They don't know anything about your job. They are ignorant fools who are barking pointlessly. Pay them no heed.
- Angry customers can hate you all they like, they can wish to roast you on a spit, they might wish you would go to hell, they might blame you for their mortgage being underwater and they might never ever want to get a beer with you. That is just fine, because you don't care about them at all, and would gladly never think of them again. It doesn't matter how they feel about you.
... are you getting the picture? It is a supreme sense of detachment and otherness and APARTNESS that you have to cultivate. The next time you see an angry customer, start narrating their actions to yourself in an amused tone. "Oh, look, they're getting angry. Isn't that rude. Haha. Do they really think I'm going to be crushed by their insult? LOL who do they think they are? They don't even know me, how can they believe their feelings matter to me? Hehehe look at their ears go red. Wow they really have no idea how to do my job, they're so fucking clueless! What a cartoon of a person." While you think these things, smile gently at those poor dears and let them go on their way.
posted by MiraK at 4:15 PM on December 15, 2023 [18 favorites]