How low-key can Thanksgiving be?
November 22, 2023 12:56 PM Subscribe
Almost four months ago, I agreed to host a small Thanksgiving gathering. Then I got severely depressed and wanted to cancel. But, also because of depression, I didn't. So my guests are expecting to have dinner at my house tomorrow, but I am nowhere near prepared. I don't feel like I can cancel the day before.
Is there a way to salvage this gathering? How would you make sure Thanksgiving is as simple as humanly possible?
It's just four guests. We're all in our thirties and forties. In the past, we would make several pies, a casserole, a big salad, and three vegetable-based sides such as roasted butternut squash. People would, on top of that, bring their own dishes. So, while people are not expecting highly skilled cooking, they are used to variety. A Thanksgiving table is supposed to be colorful, right?
Here's why I'm worried:
- because of other things, I only have a total of about eight hours left to prep
- the bathroom needs to be cleaned, and that will easily take an hour
- floors need to be vacuumed
- table set
- depression symptoms sorted (i.e., there's a pile of cardboard and styrofoam in the living room)
- random little things like cleaning up some cat paw prints from a windowsill
- probably need to get some drinks?
- get some games downstairs, because there is no way anyone can come up to the game cupboard (upstairs is undecorated/unorganized and embarrasses me)
- I don't know where I even put my tablecloth
- I really wanted to find some sort of gratitude or Thanksgiving themed game, but it's too late to buy one and I don't have a printer
I know my friends like me regardless, but I want them to feel comfortable. I'm worried they might hesitate to eat the food, knowing it's been prepared in a kitchen that's not like the ones on TV. One of the people coming is pretty sensitive about unclean surroundings. I don't think my home is unclean, but because it's untidy, others might. There's no visible dirt and the bathroom and kitchen are fine by most people's standards. But bookshelves are cluttered and dusty, the entrance is cluttered with too many coats, and there's many unfinished projects (like missing doors on a bookcase or a wobbly shelf I keep wanting to fix).
So, is there any way to salvage this Thanksgiving? Or should I cancel?
I do have a boyfriend to work with me, but he tends to get very focussed on cooking and ends up not having time to clean his fair share, while also being very slow with the cooking. That's a recurring problem each Thanksgiving, and we've talked about it, but there's no way to know if things will really be better this time until we're done. (Yes, thank you, I do know about weaponized incompetence.)
I just don't think I can handle rushing around for hours, thinking dark thoughts and wanting to cry. So maybe there's a way to avoid that? FWIW, once the guests are there, I will very likely enjoy myself.
It's just four guests. We're all in our thirties and forties. In the past, we would make several pies, a casserole, a big salad, and three vegetable-based sides such as roasted butternut squash. People would, on top of that, bring their own dishes. So, while people are not expecting highly skilled cooking, they are used to variety. A Thanksgiving table is supposed to be colorful, right?
Here's why I'm worried:
- because of other things, I only have a total of about eight hours left to prep
- the bathroom needs to be cleaned, and that will easily take an hour
- floors need to be vacuumed
- table set
- depression symptoms sorted (i.e., there's a pile of cardboard and styrofoam in the living room)
- random little things like cleaning up some cat paw prints from a windowsill
- probably need to get some drinks?
- get some games downstairs, because there is no way anyone can come up to the game cupboard (upstairs is undecorated/unorganized and embarrasses me)
- I don't know where I even put my tablecloth
- I really wanted to find some sort of gratitude or Thanksgiving themed game, but it's too late to buy one and I don't have a printer
I know my friends like me regardless, but I want them to feel comfortable. I'm worried they might hesitate to eat the food, knowing it's been prepared in a kitchen that's not like the ones on TV. One of the people coming is pretty sensitive about unclean surroundings. I don't think my home is unclean, but because it's untidy, others might. There's no visible dirt and the bathroom and kitchen are fine by most people's standards. But bookshelves are cluttered and dusty, the entrance is cluttered with too many coats, and there's many unfinished projects (like missing doors on a bookcase or a wobbly shelf I keep wanting to fix).
So, is there any way to salvage this Thanksgiving? Or should I cancel?
I do have a boyfriend to work with me, but he tends to get very focussed on cooking and ends up not having time to clean his fair share, while also being very slow with the cooking. That's a recurring problem each Thanksgiving, and we've talked about it, but there's no way to know if things will really be better this time until we're done. (Yes, thank you, I do know about weaponized incompetence.)
I just don't think I can handle rushing around for hours, thinking dark thoughts and wanting to cry. So maybe there's a way to avoid that? FWIW, once the guests are there, I will very likely enjoy myself.
Can you leave your boyfriend to do whatever he's actually good at (since you aren't going to solve your relationship problems overnight) and confide to one of your friends that is coming about the issue and ask them to help with food shopping/cleaning/whatever?
Otherwise you could just lie and say you're sick but that will probably exacerbate the depression (no company, guilt, self-criticism, etc).
Alternatively, you could just reach out to the group and instead of cancelling just be like - I've been a bit in the dumps these past few weeks and haven't been able to pull a full meal together this thanksgiving. I still very much want to see everyone and hang out, so how would you feel about a pizza-and-beer thanksgiving this year instead? We could play games or watch some holiday movies, whatever! I just want to spend time with the people I'm grateful for -
That may or may not work for your friend group, but maybe it will?
posted by greta simone at 1:00 PM on November 22, 2023 [42 favorites]
Otherwise you could just lie and say you're sick but that will probably exacerbate the depression (no company, guilt, self-criticism, etc).
Alternatively, you could just reach out to the group and instead of cancelling just be like - I've been a bit in the dumps these past few weeks and haven't been able to pull a full meal together this thanksgiving. I still very much want to see everyone and hang out, so how would you feel about a pizza-and-beer thanksgiving this year instead? We could play games or watch some holiday movies, whatever! I just want to spend time with the people I'm grateful for -
That may or may not work for your friend group, but maybe it will?
posted by greta simone at 1:00 PM on November 22, 2023 [42 favorites]
Have you purchased all the food already? Is one of your guests someone who keeps a very clean house? If so, maybe you can ask them to host and you can come get the food ready in their space?
posted by OrangeDisk at 1:01 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by OrangeDisk at 1:01 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
Do you know these guest well enough to ask for their help? If those guests came by tonight and/or tomorrow and pitched in in their own ways, perhaps you could all have a good time and you’d get some needed support.
For example, someone can take care of the cardboard and styrofoam for you. Another can run the vacuum. Someone else can run to the grocery store and grab what they can, etc.
posted by meowmeowdream at 1:04 PM on November 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
For example, someone can take care of the cardboard and styrofoam for you. Another can run the vacuum. Someone else can run to the grocery store and grab what they can, etc.
posted by meowmeowdream at 1:04 PM on November 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
Group message your friends and say that you're struggling a bit with the cooking etc, and would it either work for anyone to bring a main rather than just a side, or switch who is hosting?
Or at least tell you what they're bringing?
People will probably bring a bigger dish, which takes the pressure off cooking off you.
With your boyfriend:
Write in really big letters on a piece of paper or whiteboard the essential tasks to be done, where you can both see it, so that he can visually see there are not-cooking tasks to complete.
For untidy, grab a box for 'things out place' and just make a doom box to go in your room and sort out later. Vacuum.
Dishes. Wipe down table and kitchen benches.
There, you're good.
Think potluck, not 'TV' thanksgiving. That sounds more fun than doing nothing.
posted by Elysum at 1:10 PM on November 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
Or at least tell you what they're bringing?
People will probably bring a bigger dish, which takes the pressure off cooking off you.
With your boyfriend:
Write in really big letters on a piece of paper or whiteboard the essential tasks to be done, where you can both see it, so that he can visually see there are not-cooking tasks to complete.
For untidy, grab a box for 'things out place' and just make a doom box to go in your room and sort out later. Vacuum.
Dishes. Wipe down table and kitchen benches.
There, you're good.
Think potluck, not 'TV' thanksgiving. That sounds more fun than doing nothing.
posted by Elysum at 1:10 PM on November 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
I think you could still pull this off if you want to. Order or pick up whatever you can today, fridge them overnight, warm them tomorrow and decant the items into your own dishes. Of course, you can still make from scratch whatever you want to. Ask your guests to bring drinks.
Your boyfriend can be the games-fetcher. Clean the bathroom together tonight before bed so it’s done for tomorrow. Move the cardboard/clutter to a room upstairs guests won’t see.
Remember: your friends are grateful for you, not your sweet potatoes. Do what you need to do to let you and your people have a nice meal and forget the rest.
posted by mdonley at 1:12 PM on November 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
Your boyfriend can be the games-fetcher. Clean the bathroom together tonight before bed so it’s done for tomorrow. Move the cardboard/clutter to a room upstairs guests won’t see.
Remember: your friends are grateful for you, not your sweet potatoes. Do what you need to do to let you and your people have a nice meal and forget the rest.
posted by mdonley at 1:12 PM on November 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
PS you can fetch the games when it's time to play games, you wouldn't send a friend to go get them, and you don't need to take someone with you. Just ask what people want to play then go fetch it. Less stuff in your lounge.
posted by Elysum at 1:14 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Elysum at 1:14 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
Don't stress. Clean the bathroom. Go to the store and buy a couple of pies and some ice cream and a paper tablecloth. In the morning take a shower, dress up a little, and chill. It will be fine.
posted by mareli at 1:15 PM on November 22, 2023 [23 favorites]
posted by mareli at 1:15 PM on November 22, 2023 [23 favorites]
If you haven't shopped yet and want to push through and go for it, buy everything pre-chopped/prepped if you can afford to. Pre-cubed butternut squash, shaved brussels sprouts in a bag, bagged salad, and maybe a frozen casserole (like mac & cheese if that's within your Thanksgiving tradition). Buy a pie or cake or ice cream, or all of them! If you have a Trader Joe's near you, they have pre-cut everything for Thanksgiving at pretty reasonable prices. Then you just have to empty the bags onto trays/into pans, season and roast/saute. Plenty of time left to clean (and your boyfriend can't get sidetracked from cleaning by getting overly involved in cooking since there's barely any cooking to do).
posted by snaw at 1:17 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by snaw at 1:17 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
Sending love and compassion.
If you have a Costco membership, they have a nice tray with stuffing with half a turkey over it, and mashed potatoes, green beans, and cranberry sauce. That and a couple store bought pies, and you could have all the basics covered with little effort. Many nicer grocery stores will have something like this too. Grab a simple drink. For my friends, a six of seasonal beer and a jug of apple cider is plenty.
I'm very much a doom box maker, so you can totally tidy by putting it all in a box labeled with where it came from and when, and maybe move it back later.
Run the vacuum and wipe down (but don't deep clean) the bathroom.
See if you can call in your friends to help make this easier.
posted by advicepig at 1:24 PM on November 22, 2023 [7 favorites]
If you have a Costco membership, they have a nice tray with stuffing with half a turkey over it, and mashed potatoes, green beans, and cranberry sauce. That and a couple store bought pies, and you could have all the basics covered with little effort. Many nicer grocery stores will have something like this too. Grab a simple drink. For my friends, a six of seasonal beer and a jug of apple cider is plenty.
I'm very much a doom box maker, so you can totally tidy by putting it all in a box labeled with where it came from and when, and maybe move it back later.
Run the vacuum and wipe down (but don't deep clean) the bathroom.
See if you can call in your friends to help make this easier.
posted by advicepig at 1:24 PM on November 22, 2023 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Your pals will understand if you cancel even if it's last minute, they would want you to look after yourself and not be running about getting stressed.
That said, if you do decide to go ahead with it you might find this guide from Dana K White useful. She is a popular decluttering advice-giver and I thought this plan was a really realistic and helpful step by step plan for how to sort the house out before having people round. I feel like an hour is pretty optimistic to get all of this done but I definitely think a serious dent could be made in any moderately untidy situation in a couple of hours. I like her emphasis on working out what your guests will see first, where will they spend time, and then focusing on those parts.
Good luck and hope you have a lovely day however you end up spending it.
posted by Lluvia at 1:26 PM on November 22, 2023 [7 favorites]
That said, if you do decide to go ahead with it you might find this guide from Dana K White useful. She is a popular decluttering advice-giver and I thought this plan was a really realistic and helpful step by step plan for how to sort the house out before having people round. I feel like an hour is pretty optimistic to get all of this done but I definitely think a serious dent could be made in any moderately untidy situation in a couple of hours. I like her emphasis on working out what your guests will see first, where will they spend time, and then focusing on those parts.
Good luck and hope you have a lovely day however you end up spending it.
posted by Lluvia at 1:26 PM on November 22, 2023 [7 favorites]
Buy the pies, pre-made. Buy some pre-made cookies, too. Buy some sides (I bet your local grocery store has some great things in the deli you don't even have to heat up like pasta salad or potato salad, right?). Get a turkey breast instead of a whole turkey. Cut up some root veggies and toss them in oil and herbs and roast them-- that always seems fancy but doesn't actually take much prep or cooking time. A cheese and cracker plate also LOOKS fancy but is actually easy. Use the cranberry sauce that comes in the can-- almost everyone has nostalgia for that anyway. Use the boxed stuffing mix and toss in a few extra herbs and spices to make it slightly fancier. Buy two kinds of wine and one kind of beer and some sparkling non-alcoholic thing-- that's more than enough drinks for four people.
Ban the boyfriend from cooking if he's slow and INSIST that he clean while you are getting the food sorted. Remind him about the guest who has high cleanliness standards and tell him that you need him to clean to the standards that person is expecting as much as reasonably possible in the amount of time that you have. Tell him this is a very important thing you are asking him to do and you need him to step up.
posted by BlueJae at 1:28 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Ban the boyfriend from cooking if he's slow and INSIST that he clean while you are getting the food sorted. Remind him about the guest who has high cleanliness standards and tell him that you need him to clean to the standards that person is expecting as much as reasonably possible in the amount of time that you have. Tell him this is a very important thing you are asking him to do and you need him to step up.
posted by BlueJae at 1:28 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
I find myself in your shoes very VERY often. (Except for the boyfriend bit, I got rid of my useless partner a while back.)
I suggest the following steps:
(a) order a big pile of ready-to-eat food from the grocery store, to be delivered to your home. Include drinks.
(b) If it's impossible to get alcohol delivered, send an email to the people who are showing up that they should bring alcohol
(c) set both yourself and your boyfriend on cleaning tasks while you wait for the grocery store delivery, and make it a half-assed cleaning procedure. Dumping things out of sight in unused rooms or closets is okay, for example
(d) once the delivery order arrives, prep and set the table as needed - remove food from packages and into serving dishes, whatever needs to go in the oven should go in the oven, etc. Ban boyfriend from this task if necessary.
(e) if you're still getting ready when guests arrive, so be it! Relax and try to have a lovely time with your friends, don't stress about having a perfect Thanksgiving because what makes Thanksgiving perfect is connecting, chatting, being with each other.
posted by MiraK at 1:28 PM on November 22, 2023 [9 favorites]
I suggest the following steps:
(a) order a big pile of ready-to-eat food from the grocery store, to be delivered to your home. Include drinks.
(b) If it's impossible to get alcohol delivered, send an email to the people who are showing up that they should bring alcohol
(c) set both yourself and your boyfriend on cleaning tasks while you wait for the grocery store delivery, and make it a half-assed cleaning procedure. Dumping things out of sight in unused rooms or closets is okay, for example
(d) once the delivery order arrives, prep and set the table as needed - remove food from packages and into serving dishes, whatever needs to go in the oven should go in the oven, etc. Ban boyfriend from this task if necessary.
(e) if you're still getting ready when guests arrive, so be it! Relax and try to have a lovely time with your friends, don't stress about having a perfect Thanksgiving because what makes Thanksgiving perfect is connecting, chatting, being with each other.
posted by MiraK at 1:28 PM on November 22, 2023 [9 favorites]
If I were in your situation, I think I would be inclined to cancel, if I didn't think everyone involved would respond in a kind and productive manner. I'd give a white lie of ...potentially coming down with something... and not wanting to share the gift of COVID, regretfully needing to cancel. This is a socially acceptable last minute justification.
This is not to say you must cancel! Just you have this internet stranger's 'permission' to cancel if that is what is best for you.
posted by oceano at 1:33 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
This is not to say you must cancel! Just you have this internet stranger's 'permission' to cancel if that is what is best for you.
posted by oceano at 1:33 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
It's a pretty big deal to cancel a Thanksgiving dinner, so I would suggest not doing that if at all possible. It's unkind to your friends, who have made their plans around it and would then have nothing to do for Thanksgiving, and I think it would ultimately make you feel worse.
I think the option you take depends on the friends. You can let them know that you are having trouble getting it together and need them to bring whatever they want to eat. Or you can tell them that you can't manage to cook dinner, so you are ordering pizza or Chinese food or whatever takeout you can get. Or if there's someone in the group you are closer to, you can call that person to brainstorm.
To answer your big question, Thanksgiving can be as low key as you need it to be. If you have people and something for the people to eat, it will be fine.
posted by FencingGal at 1:35 PM on November 22, 2023 [28 favorites]
I think the option you take depends on the friends. You can let them know that you are having trouble getting it together and need them to bring whatever they want to eat. Or you can tell them that you can't manage to cook dinner, so you are ordering pizza or Chinese food or whatever takeout you can get. Or if there's someone in the group you are closer to, you can call that person to brainstorm.
To answer your big question, Thanksgiving can be as low key as you need it to be. If you have people and something for the people to eat, it will be fine.
posted by FencingGal at 1:35 PM on November 22, 2023 [28 favorites]
Lots of others have covered the food and games. I want to cover the tidiness part. I'm a total neat freak, people often comment on how obsessively shiny and clean my home is when they visit, and I want to assure you strongly that I cannot possibly care less about the state of other people's bookshelves or coats or unfinished house projects when they're cooking for me. You don't need to spend time clearing that all up! tbh in your shoes I wouldn't even bother with the cardboard and styrofoam.
Send the boyfriend out for drinks!
posted by capricorn at 1:50 PM on November 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Send the boyfriend out for drinks!
posted by capricorn at 1:50 PM on November 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Clean the bathroom and tidy up the main gathering space. Task the boyfriend with batching some drinks or make it a BYOB affair. Buy some heat-and-eat appetizers and a pie or two for tomorrow and order Chinese takeout as the Thanksgiving meal.
posted by mezzanayne at 1:50 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by mezzanayne at 1:50 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't think there's anything to salvage, just get as ready as you can and write off the rest. Friends don't care, they just want to be together.
Do a few big things (bathroom, gathering area) and outsource what you can through potluck or grocery delivery (drinks, desserts, sides). Do any friends have a gratitude/Thanksgiving game they can bring or find on the internet or print for you? Is there one person you could pick to come by an hour early to do the little things with you if you need them? Friends usually are happy not to have to host so are extra willing to help.
With this triage, you won't need 8 hours. You just need enough, not perfection. I always have recycling in a pile and people love coming over to my weird messy plant-filled house that's always got good drinks and music and company.
posted by *s at 2:03 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
Do a few big things (bathroom, gathering area) and outsource what you can through potluck or grocery delivery (drinks, desserts, sides). Do any friends have a gratitude/Thanksgiving game they can bring or find on the internet or print for you? Is there one person you could pick to come by an hour early to do the little things with you if you need them? Friends usually are happy not to have to host so are extra willing to help.
With this triage, you won't need 8 hours. You just need enough, not perfection. I always have recycling in a pile and people love coming over to my weird messy plant-filled house that's always got good drinks and music and company.
posted by *s at 2:03 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
Please don’t hesitate to recruit a helper to come tonight or early in the day. If these friends are spend-the-holidays together close, one of them should be able to. I know it’s so hard to ask, but I would be HONORED if a friend trusted me enough to be transparent with me that they were thinking of cancelling because the house wasn’t ready yet due to depression. What is insurmountable to you is easy for someone who doesn’t live there. Simple tasks like box-breakdown duty are great to hand off. People like to feel useful.
Also if everyone’s bringing food at least you won’t starve. Make a trip in the morning and pick up whatever is done/close to done but don’t knock yourself out. Also is there any takeout open? A beautiful tray of Chinese dumplings would be a thrill.
Worst case scenario, it’s not a showstopper this year. Anyone who is judgmental about it doesn’t deserve your hospitality. (And at least they’re enjoying themselves…judgmental people love to complain.) Turn the lights down, enjoy your friends. It’s just a Thursday.
Caveat: if you are in crisis, cancel.
posted by kapers at 2:09 PM on November 22, 2023 [20 favorites]
Also if everyone’s bringing food at least you won’t starve. Make a trip in the morning and pick up whatever is done/close to done but don’t knock yourself out. Also is there any takeout open? A beautiful tray of Chinese dumplings would be a thrill.
Worst case scenario, it’s not a showstopper this year. Anyone who is judgmental about it doesn’t deserve your hospitality. (And at least they’re enjoying themselves…judgmental people love to complain.) Turn the lights down, enjoy your friends. It’s just a Thursday.
Caveat: if you are in crisis, cancel.
posted by kapers at 2:09 PM on November 22, 2023 [20 favorites]
The first Thanksgiving I hosted, which was my first holiday away from my parents, I was not at all prepared, and dishes were sparse, and I forgot to turn the oven on so the turkey breast wasn't ready until like an hour+ after people showed up. The memories are still happy ones because they're of the people who came and laughed with me. If you can find a way to stay the course without taxing yourself unduly, I think you might find that being surrounded by warmth and love is a really good thing. I wholly second the idea of drafting one or two of these people to help you in some way -- I too would be so happy to be asked.
posted by eirias at 2:17 PM on November 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by eirias at 2:17 PM on November 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
If a friend asked me to come over early to help, I would be very happy to—I have more fun at the pre-party with a list of tasks than at the party at loose ends. Ask one of those friends to come over 2-3 hours before showtime, give them non-gross time consuming tasks like potato peeling, making a fruit salad, or shoving all the coats onto an upstairs bed.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:29 PM on November 22, 2023 [15 favorites]
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:29 PM on November 22, 2023 [15 favorites]
The more cooking that happens outside your kitchen, the fewer pain points in your future. Today's a good day for you/ boyfriend/ other trusted agent to purchase as much premade (or at least easy to prepare) food as possible. Alternatively, do the research tonight for carry out, and maybe place the order.
I think I might send out a group text tonight... let them know that you are looking forward to sharing a meal of x, y, and z together. Let folks know that they are welcome to bring sides/ additions/ drinks/ games.
Regarding the menu, you don't need all the variety. You just need enough food so that folks don't leave hungry. (People generally prefer a simple meal served on time than an elaborate one served late). I think you can lean into simplicity aspect this year since it's been challenging year for you and a lot of other people. Maybe propose that the group do some sort of charitable activity together this holiday season.
De prioritize tracking down the table cloth. If you can easily track down other table decorations (e.g. candles), than do that. Otherwise, the food will be your decoration. Bring downstairs a selection of boardgames.
Make sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page.
posted by oceano at 2:42 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think I might send out a group text tonight... let them know that you are looking forward to sharing a meal of x, y, and z together. Let folks know that they are welcome to bring sides/ additions/ drinks/ games.
Regarding the menu, you don't need all the variety. You just need enough food so that folks don't leave hungry. (People generally prefer a simple meal served on time than an elaborate one served late). I think you can lean into simplicity aspect this year since it's been challenging year for you and a lot of other people. Maybe propose that the group do some sort of charitable activity together this holiday season.
De prioritize tracking down the table cloth. If you can easily track down other table decorations (e.g. candles), than do that. Otherwise, the food will be your decoration. Bring downstairs a selection of boardgames.
Make sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page.
posted by oceano at 2:42 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
Hands down one of the best thanksgiving celebrations I’ve ever been to consisted of turkey burgers, a salad, a cake, and afterwards we watched Punkin’ Chunkin’ on discovery. It was perfect. There even were paper plates and plastic cups. Everyone loved it, especially the host. This time of year is so stressful and we were all grateful to have a low-key day to hang out with minimal expectations from/for everyone. You might he surprised how happy your friends are if the day is dialed back.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 3:00 PM on November 22, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 3:00 PM on November 22, 2023 [11 favorites]
You can do this if you buy more premade food at one of the more full serve groceries around. Get a pie and a few veggie dishes that are pre-made. Get something festive and super simple to "prepare," like a gallon of apple juice and a packet of mulling spices (also makes the house smell great). Variety doesn't have to involve work. A cheese plate you can cut when they arrive, or olive sampler. If you have time you can make it feel more homemade via little things like buying a pre-made pie, but *you* whipping the homemade whipping cream (or whatever).
Then you can focus on cleanup and set up. Podcasts or music can help you keep moving steadily instead of worrying about all of this. Also, could any of them come over ahead of time to help set up?
I'm a huge fan of the low key Thanksgiving. You can go get the games after they're here while they do the dishes. Good luck!
posted by slidell at 3:05 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Then you can focus on cleanup and set up. Podcasts or music can help you keep moving steadily instead of worrying about all of this. Also, could any of them come over ahead of time to help set up?
I'm a huge fan of the low key Thanksgiving. You can go get the games after they're here while they do the dishes. Good luck!
posted by slidell at 3:05 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
To answer the question in the title: it can be so, so low-key. This is totally salvageable, if you want to salvage it! It is okay to cancel if you truly want to cancel, but if it's any reassurance, I'm in a fairly similar situation prep-wise (minus the depression) and it hadn't even occurred to me to be concerned.
If I were one of your friends, I would be happy to come early and help out with cleaning or cooking, or to stop at the store on the way over and grab drinks or pies or a disposable holiday tablecloth--don't be afraid to ask for help. It sounds like you've been putting together a pretty elaborate meal for these folks every year, and I'm sure they'd be glad to contribute a bit more this year. In general, it feels good to be able to help, and people especially like to pitch in at Thanksgiving.
As others have said, you can definitely scale back the cooking (buying all the pies will save SO much time) and triage the cleaning (all bookcases are dusty! no one preps food on a bookcase, it's fine) and focus on preparing yourself for the fun parts of this gathering: decorate the table, pick out the games, etc.
posted by dizziest at 3:08 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
If I were one of your friends, I would be happy to come early and help out with cleaning or cooking, or to stop at the store on the way over and grab drinks or pies or a disposable holiday tablecloth--don't be afraid to ask for help. It sounds like you've been putting together a pretty elaborate meal for these folks every year, and I'm sure they'd be glad to contribute a bit more this year. In general, it feels good to be able to help, and people especially like to pitch in at Thanksgiving.
As others have said, you can definitely scale back the cooking (buying all the pies will save SO much time) and triage the cleaning (all bookcases are dusty! no one preps food on a bookcase, it's fine) and focus on preparing yourself for the fun parts of this gathering: decorate the table, pick out the games, etc.
posted by dizziest at 3:08 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also: if there are things you like to cook, cook those. If there are things that feel like a chore, buy those pre-made.
posted by dizziest at 3:09 PM on November 22, 2023
posted by dizziest at 3:09 PM on November 22, 2023
Asking someone else to plan a game is an easy thing to delegate if someone else is into that sort of thing. If not, the board games might be enough. Going around the circle talking about what you're all thankful for is also a classic.
posted by slidell at 3:11 PM on November 22, 2023
posted by slidell at 3:11 PM on November 22, 2023
We had an emergency a few days ago and now I am making such a low-key Thanksgiving. I'm not making a turkey, I'm purchasing pre-cooked rotisserie chickens. I bought some supermarket pies. I'm making mashed potatoes just because I really like doing that and have a favorite recipe. I'll take a wet rag and wipe down the surfaces of the bathroom. I will do one pass of the floors with a (dry) swiffer. I will light a couple of candles, just because that makes everything festive. And voila! My friends don't care.
Other ideas: bagged salad, store-bought rolls or cornbread if that's your thing.
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:12 PM on November 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Other ideas: bagged salad, store-bought rolls or cornbread if that's your thing.
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:12 PM on November 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: How to get ready in an hour and a half:
- the bathroom needs to be cleaned -- Yes, clean the toilet and sink, will take 10 minutes apiece
- floors need to be vacuumed -- forget the floors, they'll get dirty during your party anyway
- table set -- put out your utensils in a pile, people can pick them up buffet style. 10 minutes
- pile of cardboard and styrofoam in the living room -- leave it, no one cares
- random little things like cat paw prints from a windowsill -- leave it, no one will notice nor care
- probably need to get some drinks? -- email your friends they should bring drinks, 10 minutes
- get some games downstairs -- go pick out a few games, 30 minutes
- I don't know where I even put my tablecloth -- forget about it, I don't own a tablecloth, have hosted many get-togethers, no one ever remarks on the lack of table covering
- I really wanted to find some sort of gratitude or Thanksgiving themed game, but it's too late to buy one and I don't have a printer -- not this year
- Order in pizza. This year is different!
Your friends just want to get together with you and each other. They are not conducting a home inspection. Do it! You will be glad you did.
posted by olopua at 3:21 PM on November 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
- the bathroom needs to be cleaned -- Yes, clean the toilet and sink, will take 10 minutes apiece
- floors need to be vacuumed -- forget the floors, they'll get dirty during your party anyway
- table set -- put out your utensils in a pile, people can pick them up buffet style. 10 minutes
- pile of cardboard and styrofoam in the living room -- leave it, no one cares
- random little things like cat paw prints from a windowsill -- leave it, no one will notice nor care
- probably need to get some drinks? -- email your friends they should bring drinks, 10 minutes
- get some games downstairs -- go pick out a few games, 30 minutes
- I don't know where I even put my tablecloth -- forget about it, I don't own a tablecloth, have hosted many get-togethers, no one ever remarks on the lack of table covering
- I really wanted to find some sort of gratitude or Thanksgiving themed game, but it's too late to buy one and I don't have a printer -- not this year
- Order in pizza. This year is different!
Your friends just want to get together with you and each other. They are not conducting a home inspection. Do it! You will be glad you did.
posted by olopua at 3:21 PM on November 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Send your boyfriend out into the world and tell him not to come back without a table full of colorful Thanksgiving food and a bunch of candles. While he's out, throw everything that's out of place into your bedroom closet and slam the door. Vacuum, wipe down the counters, and clean the bathroom toilet and sink. Tomorrow, turn the lights down low, light all the candles, put on some chill music, and hand everyone a glass of wine as they come in the door. Done.
posted by HotToddy at 3:26 PM on November 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 3:26 PM on November 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
1. Ask for help & reduce expectations for yourself and guests:
Text the guests: "Hi friends, I am overwhelmed. I've been dealing with some heavy depression and I won't be able to meet the usual Thanksgiving standards but I still want to enjoy your company for the holiday. If anyone would like to bring drinks or a tablecloth, that would be much appreciated. I also need some help with cleaning."
+You can use disposables instead of setting the table.
+You're 6 people total. Your usual list of dishes would be overkill.
+It's okay if you don't have a tablecloth.
2. Read the Unfuck Your Habitat Emergency Cleaning Guide
3. Divide & conquer with your partner
posted by meemzi at 3:28 PM on November 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
Text the guests: "Hi friends, I am overwhelmed. I've been dealing with some heavy depression and I won't be able to meet the usual Thanksgiving standards but I still want to enjoy your company for the holiday. If anyone would like to bring drinks or a tablecloth, that would be much appreciated. I also need some help with cleaning."
+You can use disposables instead of setting the table.
+You're 6 people total. Your usual list of dishes would be overkill.
+It's okay if you don't have a tablecloth.
2. Read the Unfuck Your Habitat Emergency Cleaning Guide
3. Divide & conquer with your partner
posted by meemzi at 3:28 PM on November 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Depression tells us "no one will want to help me, I'm awful."
Depression says "Everyone will notice all the things I don't like about myself/ my space, and hate it, and judge me for it."
*****Depression is lying to you.
Your friendships are real and your friends will want to help!
Telling people what you're going through is hard, I know. But you don't have to tell them everything. All they need to know is what they can do.
Send out a message, either to a trusted few or to your whole guest list:
- Tell them you're looking forward to seeing them, but this week's been a bit rocky and you'll need some help with preparation.
- Ask people to bring desserts, side dishes or drinks.
- Ask if someone can come early to help you prepare your space.
- Ask someone to bring a tablecloth, or to get a paper one. (Also paper plates, cups and napkins if you don't have them.)
- Ask people to bring their favourite games, or to print them for you.
Depression tells us we're alone.
We're not alone.
You just need to ask.
As a "Can I help??"-type friend myself, if I got this email I would leap into action like I saw the Bat Signal. Just quickly type it and send it. You can.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:40 PM on November 22, 2023 [20 favorites]
Depression says "Everyone will notice all the things I don't like about myself/ my space, and hate it, and judge me for it."
*****Depression is lying to you.
Your friendships are real and your friends will want to help!
Telling people what you're going through is hard, I know. But you don't have to tell them everything. All they need to know is what they can do.
Send out a message, either to a trusted few or to your whole guest list:
- Tell them you're looking forward to seeing them, but this week's been a bit rocky and you'll need some help with preparation.
- Ask people to bring desserts, side dishes or drinks.
- Ask if someone can come early to help you prepare your space.
- Ask someone to bring a tablecloth, or to get a paper one. (Also paper plates, cups and napkins if you don't have them.)
- Ask people to bring their favourite games, or to print them for you.
Depression tells us we're alone.
We're not alone.
You just need to ask.
As a "Can I help??"-type friend myself, if I got this email I would leap into action like I saw the Bat Signal. Just quickly type it and send it. You can.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:40 PM on November 22, 2023 [20 favorites]
I have seen friends struggling with cleaning (due to depression or not) and wondered if it would be rude to ask if I could take care of all those dishes for them. Your friends want to help you and will be happy they can make your hard time a little easier.
posted by meemzi at 3:48 PM on November 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by meemzi at 3:48 PM on November 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
Buy pre-made food/chinese/holiday snack boards ...whatever. Thanksgiving doesn't have to be turkey. Non-traditional is good.
Clean the bathroom, vacuum, take a box or basket around the house and pick up all the items that should go somewhere else. Then use candles. Candlelight is festive and hides a lot (cat paws, dust, etc)
Good luck!
posted by mulcahy at 3:57 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
Clean the bathroom, vacuum, take a box or basket around the house and pick up all the items that should go somewhere else. Then use candles. Candlelight is festive and hides a lot (cat paws, dust, etc)
Good luck!
posted by mulcahy at 3:57 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
Clean the bathroom. Order Chinese food or pizza or both or whatever you want. I'm telling you to order because it's manageable not because your kitchen doesn't look like a TV kitchen. Nobody cares if you keep a TV kitchen.
Get paper plates.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 4:57 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Get paper plates.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 4:57 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: - random little things like cleaning up some cat paw prints from a windowsill
Do not do any of those random little things. Just don't.
Let the boyfriend do all the cooking and feel free to enlist helpers for shopping, prep and cooking. BF and helpers can take all the time in the world and they do not have to help clean. Dinner at 8 can be dinner at 9, or whatever.
You don't have to help clean. How about just don't clean? (Maybe the bathroom, if you really care.)
Before I was married*, I was one of those clean, tidy, organized people. Because that is how I like my stuff and it makes my life easier. Your friends don't live with you, they don't need to care about your house. And they won't!
I agree that your friends will probably be happier if you have an ad hoc whatever-you-can-manage thanksgiving rather than canceling.
*As part of a couple, standards have to change.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:08 PM on November 22, 2023
Do not do any of those random little things. Just don't.
Let the boyfriend do all the cooking and feel free to enlist helpers for shopping, prep and cooking. BF and helpers can take all the time in the world and they do not have to help clean. Dinner at 8 can be dinner at 9, or whatever.
You don't have to help clean. How about just don't clean? (Maybe the bathroom, if you really care.)
Before I was married*, I was one of those clean, tidy, organized people. Because that is how I like my stuff and it makes my life easier. Your friends don't live with you, they don't need to care about your house. And they won't!
I agree that your friends will probably be happier if you have an ad hoc whatever-you-can-manage thanksgiving rather than canceling.
*As part of a couple, standards have to change.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:08 PM on November 22, 2023
Best answer: Ask in your local facebook group if anyone has a cleaner who can come and clean tomorrow for 2 hours for $50 or $60. Get them to clean the bathroom, and the main areas your friends will see. Grab a few games and bring them to the main floor. Ask boyfriend to do whatever, ask each friend to bring something, and Uber Eats the rest. I don't mind if my friends' houses are messy, I actually kind of prefer it. It can be low key and I bet you'll be glad you did it!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:18 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:18 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I hope you've done what you needed to do, whether that was cancel or ease your way into hosting. Depression sucks, and all the extra pressure around the holidays sure doesn't help.
I will just offer this, and hope it may help, because this was huge advice for me: if it's worth doing, it's worth half-assing (because that's better than not doing it at all).
Things don't have to perfect to be fun, meaningful, and worthwhile. Your whole house doesn't have to be photoshoot-worthy, your kitchen and bathroom don't need to be antiseptic. Nothing needs to be made from scratch. Even half-assed hosting is still ultimately doing something generous for people you care about. So Thanksgiving can be extremely low-key. Tablecloths are overrated - it's who's around the table that makes for a celebration.
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:45 PM on November 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
I will just offer this, and hope it may help, because this was huge advice for me: if it's worth doing, it's worth half-assing (because that's better than not doing it at all).
Things don't have to perfect to be fun, meaningful, and worthwhile. Your whole house doesn't have to be photoshoot-worthy, your kitchen and bathroom don't need to be antiseptic. Nothing needs to be made from scratch. Even half-assed hosting is still ultimately doing something generous for people you care about. So Thanksgiving can be extremely low-key. Tablecloths are overrated - it's who's around the table that makes for a celebration.
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:45 PM on November 22, 2023 [10 favorites]
If I was scheduled to be at your house today, and you were overwhelmed and sad, I'd be thrilled to help you out.
And I'm a notorious fusspot who alphabetizes shoes by color.
But tell me you're having a hosting emergency, and I'll roll up with armloads of food and some decorations to jazz the place up.
I don't care if that food is pasta salad and cheesy poofs, or the decor is weird dollar store nonsense.
I know depression tells another story, but you'll often find people want to help.
And that goes double for people who seem tightly wound or particular about cleanliness - we tend to love a project.
(I'm downright giddy, in fact. Point me at that pile of junk, I want to make it lovely.)
posted by champers at 4:32 AM on November 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
And I'm a notorious fusspot who alphabetizes shoes by color.
But tell me you're having a hosting emergency, and I'll roll up with armloads of food and some decorations to jazz the place up.
I don't care if that food is pasta salad and cheesy poofs, or the decor is weird dollar store nonsense.
I know depression tells another story, but you'll often find people want to help.
And that goes double for people who seem tightly wound or particular about cleanliness - we tend to love a project.
(I'm downright giddy, in fact. Point me at that pile of junk, I want to make it lovely.)
posted by champers at 4:32 AM on November 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Re cleaning: it is amazing how much handwaving you can do around cleanliness by making shiny things shiny., because it's the touchstone of how people read cleanliness. A shiny faucet outweighs a swept bathroom floor or a pristine sink. Not a clean toilet, but in that case dump some bleach in it, close the lid, put the bleach bottle on it so you don't forget and use it, come back in an hour and flush. For the toilet itself, spray windex on paper towels and wipe the cat hair off and forget it. This should not take more than fifteen minutes of actual work. Same with mirrors, the kitchen faucet. So give four things fifteen minutes of being made. Dim the lights/add some candles, forget vacuuming.
Assign everything else to individuals.
Don't worry about the cat paws, it's adorable and no one is going to notice anything. I have never in my life walked into someone's house on any 'occasion' and thought 'wow this person didn't clean enough'. Never. Not once. I'm 54.
And people love to help. Social occasions are awkward, especially at first. Assigning me moving a bunch of cardboard would be a blessing.
Cut yourself MAJOR slack.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:14 AM on November 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
Assign everything else to individuals.
Don't worry about the cat paws, it's adorable and no one is going to notice anything. I have never in my life walked into someone's house on any 'occasion' and thought 'wow this person didn't clean enough'. Never. Not once. I'm 54.
And people love to help. Social occasions are awkward, especially at first. Assigning me moving a bunch of cardboard would be a blessing.
Cut yourself MAJOR slack.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:14 AM on November 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
I do hope you swing by and let us know how it went!
posted by kensington314 at 6:00 PM on November 23, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by kensington314 at 6:00 PM on November 23, 2023 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: This was so helpful!!
I kept re-reading all answers. I stayed relatively calm. Took breaks to read and watch TV and play with the cat. I focussed on the things that seemed important to me (bathroom, living space, decoration, table, music, candles, and a house that smells good). I left Boyfriend alone to do his own thing (only cooking, but he was fast this year and did a lot of work).
I followed your amazing advice. Candles for atmosphere and less glaring light on paw prints = genius, keeping that forever. Focussing on making a few things sparkly and forgetting about the small stuff = yes! Ignoring floors and bookshelves = so right, I don't ever notice stuff like that when I'm the guest. At most, I might think that a cluttered bookshelf is charming in a "scatterbrained professor" kind of way. Scaling down and asking for help = I need to remember this. I asked friends to bring pies and a couple sides, plus print out the game. They were all happy to help out some more.
I'm very glad I didn't cancel, though it was also helpful to be reminded that canceling would not be the end of the world. But I had a really good time, and so did my guests. At least, they said so. The picky person even complimented several things about our house, I think because the lighting and music and decorations and sparky taps very much created a festive atmosphere, and it was not at all obvious that shortcuts were used.
Most rooms, including the upstairs, stayed firmly shut. Picky person hinted about a house tour, but I just laughed and said "Next time, it's too chaotic in there." That was fine. Thank you, people, for teaching me an important fact: I never realized that house tours rarely include bedrooms! That takes much of the pressure off. I always thought the entire house needed to be presentable. Childhood hosting memories, I think. My parents went a bit crazy.
Thank you for taking the time to write a thoughtful response. I marked as Best Answer the ones that surprised me the most, but not a single answer was unhelpful. I got something out of all of them. I'm re-reading this for my next gathering, too. I think I feel a lot more relaxed about people seeing my place because I know what to focus on, and that's so helpful...depression is lonely, and it would feel so much better to let people in without shame.
I love you all for making my Thanksgiving a lovely day instead of a panicked rush (there was still some rushing around. I'm not a wizard!)
posted by PurpleDragon at 2:17 AM on November 26, 2023 [31 favorites]
I kept re-reading all answers. I stayed relatively calm. Took breaks to read and watch TV and play with the cat. I focussed on the things that seemed important to me (bathroom, living space, decoration, table, music, candles, and a house that smells good). I left Boyfriend alone to do his own thing (only cooking, but he was fast this year and did a lot of work).
I followed your amazing advice. Candles for atmosphere and less glaring light on paw prints = genius, keeping that forever. Focussing on making a few things sparkly and forgetting about the small stuff = yes! Ignoring floors and bookshelves = so right, I don't ever notice stuff like that when I'm the guest. At most, I might think that a cluttered bookshelf is charming in a "scatterbrained professor" kind of way. Scaling down and asking for help = I need to remember this. I asked friends to bring pies and a couple sides, plus print out the game. They were all happy to help out some more.
I'm very glad I didn't cancel, though it was also helpful to be reminded that canceling would not be the end of the world. But I had a really good time, and so did my guests. At least, they said so. The picky person even complimented several things about our house, I think because the lighting and music and decorations and sparky taps very much created a festive atmosphere, and it was not at all obvious that shortcuts were used.
Most rooms, including the upstairs, stayed firmly shut. Picky person hinted about a house tour, but I just laughed and said "Next time, it's too chaotic in there." That was fine. Thank you, people, for teaching me an important fact: I never realized that house tours rarely include bedrooms! That takes much of the pressure off. I always thought the entire house needed to be presentable. Childhood hosting memories, I think. My parents went a bit crazy.
Thank you for taking the time to write a thoughtful response. I marked as Best Answer the ones that surprised me the most, but not a single answer was unhelpful. I got something out of all of them. I'm re-reading this for my next gathering, too. I think I feel a lot more relaxed about people seeing my place because I know what to focus on, and that's so helpful...depression is lonely, and it would feel so much better to let people in without shame.
I love you all for making my Thanksgiving a lovely day instead of a panicked rush (there was still some rushing around. I'm not a wizard!)
posted by PurpleDragon at 2:17 AM on November 26, 2023 [31 favorites]
Thanks for the report back! Really glad it went well.
posted by kensington314 at 8:05 PM on November 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by kensington314 at 8:05 PM on November 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by nkknkk at 12:59 PM on November 22, 2023 [12 favorites]