Was it a date? Or just a friendly hangout?

November 17, 2023 9:36 AM

I ran into this nice bloke in my building a few times and last week, we ran into each other in the building and chatted for an hour, and he gave me his number and e-mail. He invited me over to meet his dog and old record collection, and we played some board games and chatted for a little over five hours. He asked if I wanted to play pool table sometime (in our building), and I said yes.

He has Asperger's and seemed a little shy at times. I am not sure if he is looking for a friend. I texted him, thanking him for meeting up, and we chatted for a bit and said we could play pool sometime. He seemed a bit more quiet in his text. Maybe I am reading into things too much (just got out of an 11-year relationship, so the whole dating thing is rusty to me). I am the kind of person that kind of needs to be friends and get to know someone before dating I suppose, but I have mixed vibes? Maybe it takes some time? Honestly, I have no idea how dating works--been a long time.

posted by RearWindow to Human Relations (14 answers total)

So far it sounds like a friendly hangout, but you got along really well. If you want to go on a date with him, I'd say your changes are pretty good if you ask!
posted by Eyelash at 9:41 AM on November 17, 2023 [10 favorites]

This feels like developing a friendship to me, but it's difficult to guess how others are experiencing the same situation.
posted by GrimmblyTuna at 9:52 AM on November 17, 2023 [5 favorites]

Sounds to me like a friendly hangout, however very open to future courtship. See where it goes, but just focus on having a good time. : ) Best of luck!
posted by KathyAnn61 at 11:06 AM on November 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

I read it as a friendly hangout with a possibility for more. As someone who can definitely put myself in his shoes, he's probably interested, but isn't going to make the first move without some strong encouragement. He knows he's prone to misread social cues so he's likely to remain reserved until he knows you really really well or you make the first move.

That's not to say he doesn't just want a friendship, but he's not going to put something more out there unless you broach the subject.

I'm happily married now, but at least 3 female friends who I'd happily have had a relationship with in the past have told me that I straight up did not pick up on their signals when we were hanging out together.
posted by mikesch at 11:07 AM on November 17, 2023 [4 favorites]

Nothing wrong with asking. Clarity is good. I'd flat-out frame it "So, hey, awkward question -- this thing on Friday, are you asking to hang out or go on a date?"
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:14 PM on November 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

Five hours is a long time! He definitely really enjoys your company. If you enjoy his (and it seems you do) you should keep hanging out and see how it goes.
posted by SaltySalticid at 12:23 PM on November 17, 2023 [4 favorites]

Hehe, in ye olden days when I was a teen in Europe, we didn't go on official dates. We hung out and if it was one on one and the guy didn't bring his friends it was a SIGN and if it was for several hours it was a SIGN. And eventually, if one of us wanted more, we would escalate by, you know, finding reasons to touch hands or snuggle up or something.

So I totally think you just could hang out some more and see if you want more. Though, once you decide that, you should probably use your words. Parsing SIGNS was exciting for teen me, but also led to unfortunate misunderstandings.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:41 PM on November 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Frankly if someone I just met and who lived in my building went from "friendly hangout" (which is what I think you experienced) to "let's go on a date after one encounter." I would politely high tail it in the other direction.

However if I continued to have friendly hangouts and allowed for some time to get to know this person and maybe have some chemistry develop, then the transition to dating would be something I would entertain.

All this is to say. Go a little slow. Nice and Easy does it every time.
posted by brookeb at 1:15 PM on November 17, 2023 [6 favorites]

the comments you are getting reflect as many points of view based on life experiences, the kinds of places we grew up, our socialized biases etc.

from my biases as a cis white male in a committed relationship, I'd agree with the go slow advice. if you enjoyed the time you spent with this person, then take an opportunity to spend more time with them. Then some more time. If this is a friendship, these are the first of many hours. If more, you have time.

I see no advantage to pushing the question or racing to think of possibilities. if you're on the rebound, the last thing you need is to push into making this romantic. from what I can tell anyhow, anything can be absolutely the wrong advice depending on the individual etc. good luck.
posted by elkevelvet at 2:00 PM on November 17, 2023 [3 favorites]

Rule of thumb: hang out five times then ask what’s up. (It will probably be clear by then anyways.)

Asking after the first hangout is premature.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:13 PM on November 17, 2023 [4 favorites]

It would be helpful if you check-in with yourself first. Do you want to be friends only with this person? Or did you feel potential to date this person? Figure out your self first. It sounds like a nice friend's situation and why force it now? At the same time, would your feelings change if he was looking for more than friends? I say, hang out a few more times and see if you like his company first
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 2:14 PM on November 17, 2023 [4 favorites]

Also just noting that you mention this person has Asperger's. Now that could present in a lot of different ways. However you proceed, I would anticipate the need to be a little bit more explicit (not in a sexual way) about your communications. Hinting, suggesting, dancing around a topic, being indirect will not be useful (never is really). You should also be careful not to assume to much based on behavior or communication styles. If you're not sure what this person wants probably better to ask.
posted by brookeb at 2:30 PM on November 17, 2023 [3 favorites]

How do you feel about him? Were you hoping it was a date? Do you feel any attraction?

Take inventory of your feelings before trying to guess someone else's.
posted by bearette at 10:30 AM on November 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

I agree that it sounds like a friendship with the possibility of dating once you get to know each other better, but of course, it's difficult for strangers on the internet to know for sure!

I also agree that it is important to ask yourself what you want, and IF you want to date him. Sounds like you had a nice time together :) Definitely take things slow, especially since you just got out of a relationship and you are neighbors.
posted by I_carried_a_watermelon at 9:08 AM on November 19, 2023 [1 favorite]