How to cope with intense body shame at a public gym?
November 12, 2023 8:28 AM Subscribe
Yesterday, I registered for a public gym membership to work out and be healthier, but I completely fell apart.
The last few years have been rough on my health: I developed a digestive disorder, an eating disorder, drug abuse, self-harm, etc. I hate myself and my body.
I went to the gym to register for a membership, and...wow, I am disgusting. All I could see were beautiful, muscular men and women working out, like living Michaelangelo sculptures. Here I am, a walking stretch mark that has been further disfigured from self-harm and drug abuse. The gym staff was trying to get my information, but I couldn't stop crying the whole time I was there; I felt so ashamed.
I don't know how to do this.
Yes, I know logically that most people at the gym won't be focused on me, but that doesn't help me feel less ashamed of how ugly, disgusting, and pathetic I am. Gymgoers don't need to care about how ugly, disgusting, and pathetic I am; knowing is enough to increase my shamefulness 1000-fold.
Yes, I know I am there to focus on myself and work on my goals, but focusing on how ugly, disgusting, and pathetic I am doesn't make me feel less ashamed and more empowered.
Going to the gym and being my ugly, disgusting, pathetic self publicly feels emotionally overwhelming. I don't know how to cope with this.
The last few years have been rough on my health: I developed a digestive disorder, an eating disorder, drug abuse, self-harm, etc. I hate myself and my body.
I went to the gym to register for a membership, and...wow, I am disgusting. All I could see were beautiful, muscular men and women working out, like living Michaelangelo sculptures. Here I am, a walking stretch mark that has been further disfigured from self-harm and drug abuse. The gym staff was trying to get my information, but I couldn't stop crying the whole time I was there; I felt so ashamed.
I don't know how to do this.
Yes, I know logically that most people at the gym won't be focused on me, but that doesn't help me feel less ashamed of how ugly, disgusting, and pathetic I am. Gymgoers don't need to care about how ugly, disgusting, and pathetic I am; knowing is enough to increase my shamefulness 1000-fold.
Yes, I know I am there to focus on myself and work on my goals, but focusing on how ugly, disgusting, and pathetic I am doesn't make me feel less ashamed and more empowered.
Going to the gym and being my ugly, disgusting, pathetic self publicly feels emotionally overwhelming. I don't know how to cope with this.
That’s so great that you joined the gym! It’ll do you the world of good.
When I’m in there, I see all kinds of people - fit & strong young men & women, skinny little kids, elderly stroke survivors doing their rehab exercises, guys with their bellies hanging over their shorts… everyone. They’re all getting the benefit of moving their bodies, and I love & respect & applaud them all. You’ll be super welcome too.
posted by rd45 at 8:44 AM on November 12, 2023 [19 favorites]
When I’m in there, I see all kinds of people - fit & strong young men & women, skinny little kids, elderly stroke survivors doing their rehab exercises, guys with their bellies hanging over their shorts… everyone. They’re all getting the benefit of moving their bodies, and I love & respect & applaud them all. You’ll be super welcome too.
posted by rd45 at 8:44 AM on November 12, 2023 [19 favorites]
I am so sorry you went through that. I also have issues around my body and gyms, etc. Here are a couple of things that have helped me:
-recruiting help. i.e., see if a friend will join you in the gym and help you get past the first few weeks of going.
-check out a lot of gyms to see the demographics. If you can find one that caters to different ages, weights, fitness levels, etc. it will be more comfortable.
-Look into yoga or Pilates classes as those studios tend to be more kind, accepting, etc.
-There are lots of gentle exercise apps that you can try. I've subscribed to Yoga-Go, but it is hard to stay consistent.
-I have a Cubi (mini under-desk elliptical) that is an easy way to start building strength/endurance at home.
-Go for a walk. That is really all the exercise we need. I find it helps to have a goal (i.e. coffee, store, park, etc.) However lately, I am needed to "recondition" after being off my feet for a while and have been doing 5 min walks in my house. Today I am meeting my brother and sister-in-law at a very level path on top of a levee and we are going to try for 15 minutes! We'll see how that goes.
Whatever you do, be kind to yourself. Set goals and reward yourself with healthy treats (i.e. a new candle, a new book, mani/pedi, etc..) Keep track of your progress to see how well you are doing. For a pep talk I love @akprzy on Instagram (she's on Tik Tok as well as akprzy). You've got this!
posted by agatha_magatha at 8:44 AM on November 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
-recruiting help. i.e., see if a friend will join you in the gym and help you get past the first few weeks of going.
-check out a lot of gyms to see the demographics. If you can find one that caters to different ages, weights, fitness levels, etc. it will be more comfortable.
-Look into yoga or Pilates classes as those studios tend to be more kind, accepting, etc.
-There are lots of gentle exercise apps that you can try. I've subscribed to Yoga-Go, but it is hard to stay consistent.
-I have a Cubi (mini under-desk elliptical) that is an easy way to start building strength/endurance at home.
-Go for a walk. That is really all the exercise we need. I find it helps to have a goal (i.e. coffee, store, park, etc.) However lately, I am needed to "recondition" after being off my feet for a while and have been doing 5 min walks in my house. Today I am meeting my brother and sister-in-law at a very level path on top of a levee and we are going to try for 15 minutes! We'll see how that goes.
Whatever you do, be kind to yourself. Set goals and reward yourself with healthy treats (i.e. a new candle, a new book, mani/pedi, etc..) Keep track of your progress to see how well you are doing. For a pep talk I love @akprzy on Instagram (she's on Tik Tok as well as akprzy). You've got this!
posted by agatha_magatha at 8:44 AM on November 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
That sounds terrible, I’m so sorry. It’s doubly unfair that you should feel bad about your body just when you’re trying to fix it. Different gyms have different types of clients, some gyms are for budget-conscious newbies, some are for hardbody athletes, it’s very individual. I go to a gym affiliated with a hospital for this reason, there’s a huge range of body types and I feel like I can blend in. This place that you’re going to is saddled with a lot of baggage for you now, can you try out a different place with a different vibe?
You’re so close, you’ve done so much work just to get yourself to a gym, I hope you keep looking until you find a place that works for you.
posted by Vatnesine at 8:46 AM on November 12, 2023 [12 favorites]
You’re so close, you’ve done so much work just to get yourself to a gym, I hope you keep looking until you find a place that works for you.
posted by Vatnesine at 8:46 AM on November 12, 2023 [12 favorites]
I am sorry you are having these strong feelings about yourself. That is all they are - feelings. They are not true, and you are not ugly, disgusting, or pathetic. Joining a gym when you don't fit in to the gym culture takes bravery and strength and resilience.
I would suggest giving this a day or two, then going to the gym for 20 minutes. If you want to leave after 20 minutes, then leave. Show up already dressed to workout, and leave in the same clothes. Use one machine. Bring headphones and listen to something that you enjoy.
Another mental strategy would be to consider thinking of yourself the way you would think of a good friend or family member. I, for instance, am fat. I have gained a bunch of weight in the last year and haven't been working out regularly, even though I love working out. I have stretch marks, I had to buy all new larger clothes, and my feet hurt. I know for certain that you would never call me ugly disgusting and pathetic merely for not being perfect and for existing in the world.
posted by lizard music at 8:47 AM on November 12, 2023 [19 favorites]
I would suggest giving this a day or two, then going to the gym for 20 minutes. If you want to leave after 20 minutes, then leave. Show up already dressed to workout, and leave in the same clothes. Use one machine. Bring headphones and listen to something that you enjoy.
Another mental strategy would be to consider thinking of yourself the way you would think of a good friend or family member. I, for instance, am fat. I have gained a bunch of weight in the last year and haven't been working out regularly, even though I love working out. I have stretch marks, I had to buy all new larger clothes, and my feet hurt. I know for certain that you would never call me ugly disgusting and pathetic merely for not being perfect and for existing in the world.
posted by lizard music at 8:47 AM on November 12, 2023 [19 favorites]
I first want to say, I'm so sorry you've had the years you've had, and good on you for trying to get to a healthier place. It's not easy. The gym rattles open a lot of doors we closed for good reasons.
The thing about spaces to work out is that there are lots of them. They cater to lots of different clienteles. Some gyms just hit you wrong. I spent many years trying to force myself to work out at the gym at my office, because it's free, but going there makes me want to drop dead. I instead joined a gym where I would say the average member age is 62. Everyone is just trying to keep surviving in comfort. There are lots of different shapes and sizes. It's more expensive than working out at the office but it's worth it to me because I go and I feel better afterwards instead of worse.
Can you shop around a little? I can say from too long experience that if you cry the minute you walk into the gym you'll never make yourself go.
posted by potrzebie at 8:49 AM on November 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
The thing about spaces to work out is that there are lots of them. They cater to lots of different clienteles. Some gyms just hit you wrong. I spent many years trying to force myself to work out at the gym at my office, because it's free, but going there makes me want to drop dead. I instead joined a gym where I would say the average member age is 62. Everyone is just trying to keep surviving in comfort. There are lots of different shapes and sizes. It's more expensive than working out at the office but it's worth it to me because I go and I feel better afterwards instead of worse.
Can you shop around a little? I can say from too long experience that if you cry the minute you walk into the gym you'll never make yourself go.
posted by potrzebie at 8:49 AM on November 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
Agree with a previous poster about shopping around for a gym that has a diverse clientele - there can be huge differences in gyms and finding one with fewer body-builder types can be very freeing.
Also, you refer to yourself as “disgusting, ugly, and pathetic”.
Please be kind to yourself. Imagine saying those word to and about someone you love and care about deeply. Please see gym-going (or exercise) as a positive step that you - a kind, loving person - are doing for the most important person in your life - you.
posted by dbmcd at 8:58 AM on November 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, you refer to yourself as “disgusting, ugly, and pathetic”.
Please be kind to yourself. Imagine saying those word to and about someone you love and care about deeply. Please see gym-going (or exercise) as a positive step that you - a kind, loving person - are doing for the most important person in your life - you.
posted by dbmcd at 8:58 AM on November 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't for a second believe you are as gruesome as you describe, but even if you are...do you believe ugly people deserve to work out? Be healthy? Do things that make them feel good? In my personal belief system, I think all humans deserve the space and resources to live their lives in a healthy and happy matter. Looks, physical ability, etc don't really factor into that belief. I wonder if you believe something similar. If you do, I wonder what it would feel like to apply that belief to yourself?
posted by Otis the Lion at 9:04 AM on November 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by Otis the Lion at 9:04 AM on November 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
I'm not sure where you're located, but if you have a YMCA gym near you, I've often found they have a more diversity of ages/body types/etc. Also the time of day that you go can make a difference.
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:07 AM on November 12, 2023 [18 favorites]
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:07 AM on November 12, 2023 [18 favorites]
You are not going to “fix” your body, you are going to work toward achieving some physical goals. Good for you! But I hope another of your goals can be self acceptance. Your body is amazing no matter what shape you are in. Your body is you, and you are a lovable person who deserves love. As you work to bring your body more into line with your hopes and plans, work on mental exercises to love your whole self, too. Loving kindness meditation helps me break mental habits that make me think I’m a bad person. I have to remind myself that I’m not, and reinforce positive thinking. Withholding self-love until you achieve goals is a recipe for failure.
posted by rikschell at 9:08 AM on November 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by rikschell at 9:08 AM on November 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Would it feel OK to call the gym and ask to speak the manager? You could explain that you've had a tough few years (no need to go into detail if you don't want to) and are feeling some shame about starting back exercising. I am 100% sure this is something they've heard a million times. You could ask if there is a trainer or staff person who is particularly gentle and experienced working with people who are experiencing shame. If so, see if they will accompany you for a few visits, showing you around and encouraging you. If there isn't such a person on staff, that's a good clue that this is not the right gym for you.
Please know that I will be cheering you on whatever you do and whatever feels right for you.
posted by mcduff at 9:23 AM on November 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
Please know that I will be cheering you on whatever you do and whatever feels right for you.
posted by mcduff at 9:23 AM on November 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
Can you find a Battered Body Buddy to go with you? There are a lot more people out there with battered bodies than there are Michaelangelos.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:25 AM on November 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:25 AM on November 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Can you flip it, Missy Elliot style? I have had some success "gaming" those "are you a racist/sexist/fat-phobic person? click 'yay' or 'boo' when you see people who fit two arbitrarily opposed phenotypes" quizzes. I spend a couple of minutes "cramming for the test" by thinking of all the reasons the subaltern images are the "good, clean, safe, beautiful" ones and the fit white dudes are the "bad, filthy, dangerous, ugly" ones, and it lasts the duration of the test so that I reliably end up with "You are slightly to majorly biased against thin people/men/white people/not-disabled people/whateverthehell." I know that in reality I'm likely biased the same way as everybody else: against my own body type, age, and gender, and for my own race. But I can switch it up long enough to fool those tests.
This is useful to me because I find that if I start some pernicious horrifying internal monologue when I see myself in a mirror or I'm caught on camera, or if I see someone on the street who either meets or doesn't meet some qualification I've internalized from the pernicious and horrifying culture, I can use the same cramming technique to flip that long enough that I'm not spending my drive to the grocery store or my stroll past the WalMart security screen drinking gross racist, fat-phobic, sexist mind-tea. This improves my existence immeasurably. My first thought is always going to be "HUMAN SPOTTED fails to meet/meets/exceeds cultural standard in x y z way!" and then I consciously de-rail and re-rail. (Actually out in the world I don't think I bother to fiddle with "exceeds" unless the person is a frat boy [I live in a state university town in the South, so they're legion]. In that case it may even be that the guy's insufferable ATO-ness dislodges my usual "hottie spotted!" response and I feel annoyed immediately. I think in this one category I'm legitimately biased against. Too many of them have sucked for too long in too close proximity to my observing eye for the cultural bias to be mine, anymore.)
Also maybe helpful: investigate this thing I heard about called "body neutrality." As far as I understand it, it means basically, the body exists so that you can live. Is it maintaining you in an alive state? Awesome: then you're fine. No need to expend energy try to "love" your body or find the beauty in it or in loving/finding the beauty and various superiorities in the bodies of others. The important thing about bodies that we need to expend mental energy on is maintaining them so that they can maintain life in us. If you can also improve your body's capacity to keep you alive and maybe even keep you freer of pain or better able to experience more good feelings, super, icing on the fantastic cake that is not being dead. But divorce yourself from efforts to love your body because that's a heavy lift and not all that useful given how difficult it is. Just be polite to your body and offer it what practical support you can, is all you really need to do.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:41 AM on November 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
This is useful to me because I find that if I start some pernicious horrifying internal monologue when I see myself in a mirror or I'm caught on camera, or if I see someone on the street who either meets or doesn't meet some qualification I've internalized from the pernicious and horrifying culture, I can use the same cramming technique to flip that long enough that I'm not spending my drive to the grocery store or my stroll past the WalMart security screen drinking gross racist, fat-phobic, sexist mind-tea. This improves my existence immeasurably. My first thought is always going to be "HUMAN SPOTTED fails to meet/meets/exceeds cultural standard in x y z way!" and then I consciously de-rail and re-rail. (Actually out in the world I don't think I bother to fiddle with "exceeds" unless the person is a frat boy [I live in a state university town in the South, so they're legion]. In that case it may even be that the guy's insufferable ATO-ness dislodges my usual "hottie spotted!" response and I feel annoyed immediately. I think in this one category I'm legitimately biased against. Too many of them have sucked for too long in too close proximity to my observing eye for the cultural bias to be mine, anymore.)
Also maybe helpful: investigate this thing I heard about called "body neutrality." As far as I understand it, it means basically, the body exists so that you can live. Is it maintaining you in an alive state? Awesome: then you're fine. No need to expend energy try to "love" your body or find the beauty in it or in loving/finding the beauty and various superiorities in the bodies of others. The important thing about bodies that we need to expend mental energy on is maintaining them so that they can maintain life in us. If you can also improve your body's capacity to keep you alive and maybe even keep you freer of pain or better able to experience more good feelings, super, icing on the fantastic cake that is not being dead. But divorce yourself from efforts to love your body because that's a heavy lift and not all that useful given how difficult it is. Just be polite to your body and offer it what practical support you can, is all you really need to do.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:41 AM on November 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
I know the marketers work 24/7 to make us all as vain, insecure and appearance-obsessed as possible. But in truth our bodies are there to do things in the world, not be stared at by other people.
If you step back and think about it for even a second, every single human body is pretty disgusting, at least by comparison with pretty, clean animals like birds and fish. Gross naked mole-rat-like skin with sparse tufts of hair, exuding oil and sweat. Weird flaps and folds, slimy orifices ringed with teeth and bristles, our horrible white veiny eyes that are basically extensions of our brain poking out moistly from our head. Across the board we're just not nice to look at; doesn't make much sense to obsess over an extra lump here or missing bump there.
Can you try to find a set of concrete, purely functional goals, ideally with practical relevance to your daily life (I want to be able to lift this much/ do Y push-ups/ cycle for X time/ jog this distance without getting tired) and focus on those so hard that you only see your body as a power tool you're trying to incrementally bring back to working condition?
posted by Bardolph at 9:42 AM on November 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
If you step back and think about it for even a second, every single human body is pretty disgusting, at least by comparison with pretty, clean animals like birds and fish. Gross naked mole-rat-like skin with sparse tufts of hair, exuding oil and sweat. Weird flaps and folds, slimy orifices ringed with teeth and bristles, our horrible white veiny eyes that are basically extensions of our brain poking out moistly from our head. Across the board we're just not nice to look at; doesn't make much sense to obsess over an extra lump here or missing bump there.
Can you try to find a set of concrete, purely functional goals, ideally with practical relevance to your daily life (I want to be able to lift this much/ do Y push-ups/ cycle for X time/ jog this distance without getting tired) and focus on those so hard that you only see your body as a power tool you're trying to incrementally bring back to working condition?
posted by Bardolph at 9:42 AM on November 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
If you have some flexibility in your schedule, consider your timing of when you go to the gym. I found that the morning/evening crowd is definitely more type-A power yoga types. But 10am or 2pm? Even after 7pm? Postpartum mom bods, older saggy bodies, everyone there to be kind to their bodies and each other. I took a "healthy women" class which was for older women to build bone mass, and the women there were so nice and supportive, and definitely NOT judgmental. Would recommend!
posted by Toddles at 9:43 AM on November 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 9:43 AM on November 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don’t want to discourage you if this is what you want to do, but you don’t have to go to a gym to exercise. IMO gyms suck and it’s not like we have endless time and money to find the right one that sucks less.
I can’t be in a gym (I’m a weight yo-yo-er, and my weight has no bearing on this.) I just can’t handle it and I don’t like it and it’s a bad vibe, and as I mentioned, I think it sucks. It’s not for me. And frankly it’s not a lot of bang for my buck, because I figured out with the money others spend on gyms, I could get good running shoes and free weights and eventually a stationary bike (which are always for sale cheap and barely used.)
Going from zero to gym seems like a lot. I went from zero to walking, then walking to jogging, then added some weights, and when the weather is bad I have that stationary bike. Rowing machines can be had cheap and fit in smaller spaces. If I really want to access the equipment and the atmosphere at the gym one day I can always change my mind. If there’s a class I want to take I’m sure I can find that without joining a gym.
posted by kapers at 10:18 AM on November 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
I can’t be in a gym (I’m a weight yo-yo-er, and my weight has no bearing on this.) I just can’t handle it and I don’t like it and it’s a bad vibe, and as I mentioned, I think it sucks. It’s not for me. And frankly it’s not a lot of bang for my buck, because I figured out with the money others spend on gyms, I could get good running shoes and free weights and eventually a stationary bike (which are always for sale cheap and barely used.)
Going from zero to gym seems like a lot. I went from zero to walking, then walking to jogging, then added some weights, and when the weather is bad I have that stationary bike. Rowing machines can be had cheap and fit in smaller spaces. If I really want to access the equipment and the atmosphere at the gym one day I can always change my mind. If there’s a class I want to take I’m sure I can find that without joining a gym.
posted by kapers at 10:18 AM on November 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
I mean the first thing, which I know is easier said than done, is to stop calling yourself "ugly, disgusting, and pathetic" on repeat.
I agree with kapers that it sounds like you might not be in the best headspace for at least this particular gym (as noted upthread, different gyms can have different clientele - many YMCAs do attract a wide age-range and body-type range), and if your goal is to just start incorporating physical activity into your life, this might not be the best option.
If part of it is that you find that it's harder to commit to an exercise practice unless you have some ritual/$ commitment to it (like paying a gym membership) consider some other options:
1. Checking your local MeetUp.com options - if you are in a city, there are probably people meeting up to do a range of different physical activities at a range of skill levels.
2. Find some group exercise class that will work for you. Maybe I got lucky, but my first yoga class was taught by someone who might be described as "fit-fat" to a room of a diverse students (age/body/gender/race/etc.). This was clear based on reading Yelp reviews and their website. Anyway, it doesn't have to be yoga - my point is that some businesses under the umbrella of "fitness" prioritize being inclusive and more about feeling good in your body vs. "hardcore workout," and you can generally suss this out through seeing how they advertise themselves, and what people praise about the classes in online reviews.
posted by coffeecat at 10:51 AM on November 12, 2023
I agree with kapers that it sounds like you might not be in the best headspace for at least this particular gym (as noted upthread, different gyms can have different clientele - many YMCAs do attract a wide age-range and body-type range), and if your goal is to just start incorporating physical activity into your life, this might not be the best option.
If part of it is that you find that it's harder to commit to an exercise practice unless you have some ritual/$ commitment to it (like paying a gym membership) consider some other options:
1. Checking your local MeetUp.com options - if you are in a city, there are probably people meeting up to do a range of different physical activities at a range of skill levels.
2. Find some group exercise class that will work for you. Maybe I got lucky, but my first yoga class was taught by someone who might be described as "fit-fat" to a room of a diverse students (age/body/gender/race/etc.). This was clear based on reading Yelp reviews and their website. Anyway, it doesn't have to be yoga - my point is that some businesses under the umbrella of "fitness" prioritize being inclusive and more about feeling good in your body vs. "hardcore workout," and you can generally suss this out through seeing how they advertise themselves, and what people praise about the classes in online reviews.
posted by coffeecat at 10:51 AM on November 12, 2023
I am sorry you are feeling this way.
One practical thing to try, in addition to some excellent advice you already got, if that is available where you are, is a "dark exercise" class -- it's rarely pitch black but usually so dark you can barely see your classmates or yourself. I know several women with body insecurity/shame who found that to be a more comfortable space for group exercise.
posted by virve at 11:00 AM on November 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
One practical thing to try, in addition to some excellent advice you already got, if that is available where you are, is a "dark exercise" class -- it's rarely pitch black but usually so dark you can barely see your classmates or yourself. I know several women with body insecurity/shame who found that to be a more comfortable space for group exercise.
posted by virve at 11:00 AM on November 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yeah the obvious solution (to me) seems to be "don't go to the gym!" Going to the gym is not some mandatory requirement for basic fitness. For some people going to the gym is easier or more fun than working out at home or outdoors or whatever. It doesn't sound like that's the case for you, at least in your current state of mental health. Personally, I hate going to the gym and do it only as a last resort if I'm, like, training for something specific and I don't have the equipment at home or the weather's too bad to go outside or whatever. I think I've been in a gym like twice in the last ten years (I do go to yoga class semi-regularly).
Don't go to the gym if it's just going to be another trigger for your self-loathing. You don't need to wear those grooves any deeper than they already are.
posted by mskyle at 11:17 AM on November 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
Don't go to the gym if it's just going to be another trigger for your self-loathing. You don't need to wear those grooves any deeper than they already are.
posted by mskyle at 11:17 AM on November 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
Do you have professional support? Because when I read the things you have dealt with this year I don't think you necessarily need to muscle through going to the gym - you need really good support.
Is there a sport or activity you love that is active? I would start there. Do something you love, don't focus on the appearance. Bodies are for doing.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:49 AM on November 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
Is there a sport or activity you love that is active? I would start there. Do something you love, don't focus on the appearance. Bodies are for doing.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:49 AM on November 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
I have "severe" body dysmorphia (constant thoughts about how ugly I am!) as well as a sometimes-visible disability, and for me the key thing is going to a gym (or studio for boxing, dance, yoga, etc) that has at least one room without mirrors (or realistically, 3 walls with no mirrors so I can position myself accordingly) - it can be hard to find, but to focus on the movement I cannot be seeing my reflection. When I've not had this option, I exercise by watching Youtube videos in the privacy of my home, and/or taking walks.
I empathize with your feelings of crying, and I hope things get better! It can be so overwhelming.
posted by cboggs at 11:57 AM on November 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
I empathize with your feelings of crying, and I hope things get better! It can be so overwhelming.
posted by cboggs at 11:57 AM on November 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
I live in Germany and and I was cured of thinking my body was ugly when I started going to naked mixed sauna. Wow!!!!! You would not believe how flabby and wrinkled and weird everyone (mostly) really are underneath their clothes, and yet the people I saw were all taking time to self care and relax and rub their wrinkly selves with salt and lay out unembarressed. All ages up to their 90’s… thin, medium, many many many large people. Veins, big ones, spider ones. But all so relaxed about it. Lots of young perfect people, but the majority 99.9 percent were normal and imperfect.
posted by flink at 12:42 PM on November 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by flink at 12:42 PM on November 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
Do you know why you picked the gym for your goal of working out and being healthier?
I ask because most of the time, I would not describe myself as ugly or disgusting, but I still don't want people to see me exercising - it feels embarassing to me.
I have found other ways of exercising that don't do this, and I don't suppose I'll ever go to a gym now.
Maybe we can help you figure out a way to work out that you can feel good about?
(In my case, it was Ring Fit Adventure. It's ridiculous and good for you at the same time.)
posted by demi-octopus at 2:01 PM on November 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
I ask because most of the time, I would not describe myself as ugly or disgusting, but I still don't want people to see me exercising - it feels embarassing to me.
I have found other ways of exercising that don't do this, and I don't suppose I'll ever go to a gym now.
Maybe we can help you figure out a way to work out that you can feel good about?
(In my case, it was Ring Fit Adventure. It's ridiculous and good for you at the same time.)
posted by demi-octopus at 2:01 PM on November 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am obese and 65 years old. I used to live in a small town and there were only two gyms. I joined one and it was dreadful. The men looked like Adonis and the women looked like Jane Fonda during her workout video days. I dropped out of that gym and went to the other gym that was the "gym rat" place - not where I thought I'd belong. Surprisingly enough, the folks there were in sweats, and were all so focused on what they were doing themselves, I felt like I could do my own thing without anyone noticing me. A much better choice.
I would like to recommend Paul Eugene's workout videos on YouTube. He helped me get out of a bad place regarding my body and back to a place where I could exercise. He is very positive and makes exercising about the joy of moving and being healthy. He has a million different videos so you can find something that appeals to you and is at your level of fitness.
Good for you for taking this first step. It is incredibly hard and you are on your way now!
posted by furtheryet at 4:01 PM on November 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
I would like to recommend Paul Eugene's workout videos on YouTube. He helped me get out of a bad place regarding my body and back to a place where I could exercise. He is very positive and makes exercising about the joy of moving and being healthy. He has a million different videos so you can find something that appeals to you and is at your level of fitness.
Good for you for taking this first step. It is incredibly hard and you are on your way now!
posted by furtheryet at 4:01 PM on November 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
Fuck this gym!! Is there a YMCA or JCC or city-run municipal gym in your town away from the skinny young people?
I think there is a lot going on for you mental-health wise and you likely need more support outside of metafilter, but getting your body moving is a great step in that direction. So if the gym is just too triggering, maybe start with walking. Walk in the woods, walk at your closest body of water, or put on a good podcast and walk at a track.
Best to you.
posted by latkes at 4:27 PM on November 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think there is a lot going on for you mental-health wise and you likely need more support outside of metafilter, but getting your body moving is a great step in that direction. So if the gym is just too triggering, maybe start with walking. Walk in the woods, walk at your closest body of water, or put on a good podcast and walk at a track.
Best to you.
posted by latkes at 4:27 PM on November 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Nthing "screw this gym, try something else." I finally found My Walk along the nearby lakeshore in the early morning, and it doesn't matter how ugly I am, the sandhill cranes and green herons and great blue herons and redwinged blackbirds and so on don't care -- and they're beautiful and I love to watch them as I walk by.
I'm really looking forward to being able to take My Walk again. (Been sick, still recovering, back won't let me walk far without vociferous complaint.) It's because for me there's more to My Walk than just exercise.
I hope you find Your Thing, whether it's a walk or something else.
posted by humbug at 6:18 PM on November 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm really looking forward to being able to take My Walk again. (Been sick, still recovering, back won't let me walk far without vociferous complaint.) It's because for me there's more to My Walk than just exercise.
I hope you find Your Thing, whether it's a walk or something else.
posted by humbug at 6:18 PM on November 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
I've talked about this elsewhere on here but I make a practice of walking away when I start the negative internal dialogue. It's often about mirrors so I don't spend much time in front of them. Doing some very conscious thing when the internal insults start is a really efficient way to make you notice exactly when you do them, how often, and also how useless they are. It's just droning noise.
Unlike a lot of fellow fat people I had some good gym experiences. But I found it terrifying. I got over it the first time by focusing very strongly on my goals and my plan. Then I got sick. And going back was harder and harder.
So I have a personal trainer now. He came recommended by friends and is extremely well versed in the psychology side of exercise. Before I started with him I drew an outline of myself and noted areas that I had injured or were in some way a problem. NOTHING AESTHETIC. No attention to that. Just the series of injuries I thought he should be aware of and that I know I forget sometimes (I did manage to leave two pretty significant ones off it). Then I noted my similarly non-aesthetic but precise goals - not specific times or weights, but ones very much about me like "walking without pain" and "standing up easily" (the exception was "I want big shoulders").
That whole process was really useful for me. It was a kind of meditation on just how much my body has been through, what I've survived, and that I'm still here kicking on. It gave my PT a good idea of what to start with. And he was similarly pleased I didn't note weightloss or vague 'healthier' as a goal. Mostly because I have the kind of build that goes dense with weight training, so I look thinner but don't change weight much.
Working out with him for one hour a week has honestly changed so many things. Not just the obvious (I saw a muscle in my calf and can deadlift 50kg) but also daily things (balance and proprioception are better, I can pick up my kid again), and weird psychological things (old injuries and trauma). He is kind and helps, and personally has a lot of experience with rehab himself, and with managing brain stuff while also acknowledging his own bias and preferences.
Also, importantly, I am much safer now. If you don't like your body much, or don't have good awareness, it's really easy to hurt yourself. I'm slowly getting to the point of doing things on my own that are more challenging, but my form was so off and I had no idea how hypermobile I was, how badly I was injuring myself on a regular basis.
posted by geek anachronism at 8:48 PM on November 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
Unlike a lot of fellow fat people I had some good gym experiences. But I found it terrifying. I got over it the first time by focusing very strongly on my goals and my plan. Then I got sick. And going back was harder and harder.
So I have a personal trainer now. He came recommended by friends and is extremely well versed in the psychology side of exercise. Before I started with him I drew an outline of myself and noted areas that I had injured or were in some way a problem. NOTHING AESTHETIC. No attention to that. Just the series of injuries I thought he should be aware of and that I know I forget sometimes (I did manage to leave two pretty significant ones off it). Then I noted my similarly non-aesthetic but precise goals - not specific times or weights, but ones very much about me like "walking without pain" and "standing up easily" (the exception was "I want big shoulders").
That whole process was really useful for me. It was a kind of meditation on just how much my body has been through, what I've survived, and that I'm still here kicking on. It gave my PT a good idea of what to start with. And he was similarly pleased I didn't note weightloss or vague 'healthier' as a goal. Mostly because I have the kind of build that goes dense with weight training, so I look thinner but don't change weight much.
Working out with him for one hour a week has honestly changed so many things. Not just the obvious (I saw a muscle in my calf and can deadlift 50kg) but also daily things (balance and proprioception are better, I can pick up my kid again), and weird psychological things (old injuries and trauma). He is kind and helps, and personally has a lot of experience with rehab himself, and with managing brain stuff while also acknowledging his own bias and preferences.
Also, importantly, I am much safer now. If you don't like your body much, or don't have good awareness, it's really easy to hurt yourself. I'm slowly getting to the point of doing things on my own that are more challenging, but my form was so off and I had no idea how hypermobile I was, how badly I was injuring myself on a regular basis.
posted by geek anachronism at 8:48 PM on November 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
Nthing the suggestion to try out a YMCA gym. Typically the Y caters to a diverse group of people, of varying ages and fitness levels. As a result, there's less pressure to look "perfect."
Also, as others have mentioned, taking walks outside is a great way to get some exercise! Nature and wildlife won't ever judge you, which is something that I really appreciate.
posted by carnival_night_zone at 6:41 AM on November 13, 2023
Also, as others have mentioned, taking walks outside is a great way to get some exercise! Nature and wildlife won't ever judge you, which is something that I really appreciate.
posted by carnival_night_zone at 6:41 AM on November 13, 2023
I've found that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a great way to address the type of self-deprecating thoughts that you are having. You can do CBT yourself -- you don't need to see a therapist. There are lots of books and resources. Just Google it.
Another thing that's useful to me is understanding that the "spotlight effect" makes you (falsely) believe that people are focused on your perceived faults. In fact, people generally are preoccupied with their own lives and their own concerns, and they don't really care about you nearly as much as you think.
posted by alex1965 at 7:13 AM on November 13, 2023
Another thing that's useful to me is understanding that the "spotlight effect" makes you (falsely) believe that people are focused on your perceived faults. In fact, people generally are preoccupied with their own lives and their own concerns, and they don't really care about you nearly as much as you think.
posted by alex1965 at 7:13 AM on November 13, 2023
i hate my body. i hate other people being able to see it. and i hate seeing it in mirrors etc. i went to a gym for a few years and i always felt worse after because it was so bright and loud and smelly and there were mirrors everywhere. luckily my favorite trainer quit and now does training out his garage. this is perfect for me. it has a rocky 4 montage training vibe. maybe see if there are independent trainers in your area that you can do 1:1 sessions with not at the gym.
i also second the y. the 2 i've been to have been a lot less awful than a regular chain gym.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:01 AM on November 13, 2023
i also second the y. the 2 i've been to have been a lot less awful than a regular chain gym.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:01 AM on November 13, 2023
My Spanish is a horrible train wreck, to the point that I refuse to speak it. This is a logistical problem as I live in Mexico. I am constantly ashamed by my lack of ability and my meager efforts at getting better. Walking around I can feel people judging me.
When I do muster the courage to speak I always learn (and quickly forget) the same lesson: people really appreciate that I’m trying and want to help when they can. The fact that I’m pathetic gives them a chance to be friendly and useful to someone. My incompetence is a public service.
I think that’s the approach you should take at the gym. The more pathetic you look the more people (as well as yourself) are going to be impressed by the fact that you’re in there working on it.
That said, I agree with those who advise skipping the gym entirely at the beginning. Among other things you’ll find out how dedicated you really are to the project without putting a major roadblock in your own way.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:51 AM on November 13, 2023
When I do muster the courage to speak I always learn (and quickly forget) the same lesson: people really appreciate that I’m trying and want to help when they can. The fact that I’m pathetic gives them a chance to be friendly and useful to someone. My incompetence is a public service.
I think that’s the approach you should take at the gym. The more pathetic you look the more people (as well as yourself) are going to be impressed by the fact that you’re in there working on it.
That said, I agree with those who advise skipping the gym entirely at the beginning. Among other things you’ll find out how dedicated you really are to the project without putting a major roadblock in your own way.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:51 AM on November 13, 2023
Dear 8LeggedFriend,
I went through a similar struggle: I developed a drinking and drug habit and gained 35 pounds of body fat over the pandemic. That ended simultaneously with the most heartbreaking end to a relationship that I've ever endured, in which, after my "partner" grew verbally and psychologically abusive, I learned that she had only been using me all along, cheating on me covertly, and trashing me in conversations all around town. She triangulated mutual friends against me and usurped relationships with people I'd introduced her to and known ten times longer.
After that I was beside myself, profoundly traumatized, transformed in a terrible way. As someone who's suffered from major depressive disorder for most of his life, I barely survived it all, and by the end I was deeply ashamed of what I saw in the mirror.
Fortunately, I managed to turn things around. I've now stuck with the gym and low-intensity aerobic exercise (but mostly lifting at the gym) since last July, and I've gone from the worst shape (phys. and mentally) to the best shape of my life. I believe this was only possible because I went back to therapy first, and because I committed to doing everything I could to heal.
Given what you've said here, it sounds like the gym is surfacing deeper issues of self-esteem and self-image. Unless these issues only ever apply when you compare yourself to people at the gym, I can't imagine that you don't need to do some heavy psychological lifting in addition to gym-going and a healthy diet. You have a very harsh inner critic, as do I. It could be helpful to should prioritize changing your self talk, and explore other possible issues in a therapeutic context if you're not doing that already. Learning not to do that will take commitment, time, and intentional work to resolve.
As many here have suggested, I started with a dumbbell routine at the Y, and I can tell you that would be a fine way to go until you outgrow the equipment available. Body weight exercises can also be good for beginners. If you keep going, I suspect you'll feel better regardless of how you or anyone else looks in the mirror. It feels good regardless of that, just knowing that you're doing something healthy for yourself.
If you're interested in fat loss, you might or might not like to take up a diet log with an app like MyFitnessPal in addition to strength training. That was a game changer for me. Calorie deficit + lifting = fat loss without becoming skinnyfat. Taking 1,000 mg of EPA omega-3s along with vitamin D, creatine and other supplements daily have helped me enormously with my depression...
I am sorry to stray off topic there, but it's in service of a point: If you're like me, you'll need to replace the unhealthy habits with better ones. For me, throwing myself into learning from YouTube, talk therapy and self-help books--first about narcissistic abuse, then about my codependency, then weightlifting and nutrition, and now human health--was the key to turning things around. I no longer so much as desire to drink or get high. I have become a health nut. During the pandemic, on the contrary, it was a bottle of wine or more every day, with plenty of drugs.
Exercise is one of the best things you can do for your mental health, so I hope you'll stick with it. Getting fit can really fun, especially as part of a holistic healing journey--a term that no longer makes me cringe super hard. Give yourself full marks for showing up, even if you do just a few reps of a single exercise before you leave. For me, going to the gym has become the highlight of many of my days. I hope that happens for you, too.
posted by tovarisch at 11:58 PM on November 13, 2023
I went through a similar struggle: I developed a drinking and drug habit and gained 35 pounds of body fat over the pandemic. That ended simultaneously with the most heartbreaking end to a relationship that I've ever endured, in which, after my "partner" grew verbally and psychologically abusive, I learned that she had only been using me all along, cheating on me covertly, and trashing me in conversations all around town. She triangulated mutual friends against me and usurped relationships with people I'd introduced her to and known ten times longer.
After that I was beside myself, profoundly traumatized, transformed in a terrible way. As someone who's suffered from major depressive disorder for most of his life, I barely survived it all, and by the end I was deeply ashamed of what I saw in the mirror.
Fortunately, I managed to turn things around. I've now stuck with the gym and low-intensity aerobic exercise (but mostly lifting at the gym) since last July, and I've gone from the worst shape (phys. and mentally) to the best shape of my life. I believe this was only possible because I went back to therapy first, and because I committed to doing everything I could to heal.
Given what you've said here, it sounds like the gym is surfacing deeper issues of self-esteem and self-image. Unless these issues only ever apply when you compare yourself to people at the gym, I can't imagine that you don't need to do some heavy psychological lifting in addition to gym-going and a healthy diet. You have a very harsh inner critic, as do I. It could be helpful to should prioritize changing your self talk, and explore other possible issues in a therapeutic context if you're not doing that already. Learning not to do that will take commitment, time, and intentional work to resolve.
As many here have suggested, I started with a dumbbell routine at the Y, and I can tell you that would be a fine way to go until you outgrow the equipment available. Body weight exercises can also be good for beginners. If you keep going, I suspect you'll feel better regardless of how you or anyone else looks in the mirror. It feels good regardless of that, just knowing that you're doing something healthy for yourself.
If you're interested in fat loss, you might or might not like to take up a diet log with an app like MyFitnessPal in addition to strength training. That was a game changer for me. Calorie deficit + lifting = fat loss without becoming skinnyfat. Taking 1,000 mg of EPA omega-3s along with vitamin D, creatine and other supplements daily have helped me enormously with my depression...
I am sorry to stray off topic there, but it's in service of a point: If you're like me, you'll need to replace the unhealthy habits with better ones. For me, throwing myself into learning from YouTube, talk therapy and self-help books--first about narcissistic abuse, then about my codependency, then weightlifting and nutrition, and now human health--was the key to turning things around. I no longer so much as desire to drink or get high. I have become a health nut. During the pandemic, on the contrary, it was a bottle of wine or more every day, with plenty of drugs.
Exercise is one of the best things you can do for your mental health, so I hope you'll stick with it. Getting fit can really fun, especially as part of a holistic healing journey--a term that no longer makes me cringe super hard. Give yourself full marks for showing up, even if you do just a few reps of a single exercise before you leave. For me, going to the gym has become the highlight of many of my days. I hope that happens for you, too.
posted by tovarisch at 11:58 PM on November 13, 2023
Some ideas that might help:
- wear comfy clothes (sweats! baggy shirts!) not the currently-in-fashion workout clothes (body hugging leggings and crop tops)
- work out in an area of the gym where you aren't facing a mirror - if there's a mirror in front of you, turn around! Use a different machine (for now)!
- put on your favorite podcast or audiobook and listen while working out - if you are engrossed in the story you'll have less time to focus on your body
- for the first week or two just do whatever workouts are easy and automatic: walk on the treadmill, use the rowing machine, etc. Something meditative that can be done "in your sleep" so you can focus on your podcast and put your body on autopilot, as opposed to workouts where you must focus on form
Essentially, take your mind off of your body. Yes, this is avoidance. But right now you need to just get into the groove of going to that gym without feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, and if avoidance is what gets you there, great! Next month, after you're no longer feeling so much like you're on display in a totally unfamiliar place, then you can start doing workouts that focus on form and letting yourself look in the mirror and become conscious of your body.
posted by MiraK at 9:03 AM on November 15, 2023
- wear comfy clothes (sweats! baggy shirts!) not the currently-in-fashion workout clothes (body hugging leggings and crop tops)
- work out in an area of the gym where you aren't facing a mirror - if there's a mirror in front of you, turn around! Use a different machine (for now)!
- put on your favorite podcast or audiobook and listen while working out - if you are engrossed in the story you'll have less time to focus on your body
- for the first week or two just do whatever workouts are easy and automatic: walk on the treadmill, use the rowing machine, etc. Something meditative that can be done "in your sleep" so you can focus on your podcast and put your body on autopilot, as opposed to workouts where you must focus on form
Essentially, take your mind off of your body. Yes, this is avoidance. But right now you need to just get into the groove of going to that gym without feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, and if avoidance is what gets you there, great! Next month, after you're no longer feeling so much like you're on display in a totally unfamiliar place, then you can start doing workouts that focus on form and letting yourself look in the mirror and become conscious of your body.
posted by MiraK at 9:03 AM on November 15, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
1. It gives you a specific thing to do rather than being overwhelmed by a million possibilities of exercises and pieces of equipment
2. It's an immediate connection with at least one person who can be more than just a "living Michaelangelo sculpture"
posted by xxx9038709992203 at 8:42 AM on November 12, 2023 [2 favorites]