dating a smoker

November 9, 2023 12:11 AM

How to make the smell easier on me, a non-smoker. He isn't quitting or switching to vaping.

If you go through my previous posts you'll see that I have struggled to find people I connect with/am attracted to who also don't see various major aspects of my life (tubes tied, sex worker) as deal breakers. The good news is I met someone promising, handsome, sweet who also is interested in me, the problem is that he smokes heavily and doesn't seem interested in quitting (he started when he got sober 5 years ago and believes it helps with that).

I fully believe it's his body, his choice AND I've noticed he is always considerate and careful never to smoke when we spend time together. But his clothes, car, and mouth really smell like cigs, which irritates my eyes, nose, and throat for hours (feels like a burning sensation).

So my question is whether there is anything he can do about this: special detergents, mouthwashes, etc? And/or is there anything I can do (eyedrops, allergy meds?) to make it more bearable? I am determined to at least try a few things before calling it because this guy is special.

If you're sensitive to cigarettes and in a relationship with a smoker, what has helped you?

Want to stress that this is neither merely "I find the smell unpleasant" nor as serious as "It's triggering my asthma" but falls somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

posted by cboggs to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I've used astepro nasal spray and ketotifen fumarate eye drops to lower my histamine response. I shower as soon as I get home and throw all my clothes and bags in the wash. HEPA air purifiers help a lot, he should get one too. I've heard bowls of baking powder, activated charcoal and vinegar will absorb odors but I haven't tried.

Sweat carries the scent, will he take a shower and wear fresh laundered clothes before meeting you? Here's a long list of options.
posted by lloquat at 3:21 AM on November 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

I am a smoker.
What i do to mitigate the odor is washing hair daily, change / wash clothes often, Air outer wear Out over night , wash hands after smoking (or use wet wipes), smoke outdoors only.
But i think the most effective was finding a brand of cigarettes. Different tobaccos smell very different when smoked. I live in Europe so cannot recommend US Brands. The one i smoke is a brand that is light not dark tobacco and unperfumed.
The difference is very noticable even to myself.
posted by 15L06 at 3:36 AM on November 9, 2023 [4 favorites]

Does he smoke in his car? In his house? Only smoking outside can help a bit. Smoking in a car can really intensify the smell on a person and their clothes.

That said--I too have felt I have a more limited range of people that make sense for me to date and I've tried to date smokers and I've learned I just can't.
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:37 AM on November 9, 2023 [4 favorites]

This may be a bridge too far for him but I know of at least one smoker who in addition to wearing a smoking jacket will wear a latex glove on their smoking hand (they are in their smoking jacket pockets always) to avoid yellowing fingers/carrying the smell. I think they also keep strong mouthwash and face wipes in their car.
posted by openhearted at 4:13 AM on November 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

Maybe therabreath (peroxide), or a charcoal based mouthwash.
posted by snuffleupagus at 4:38 AM on November 9, 2023

My partner is an occasional smoker (which is to say, he often quits for months at a time, but when he goes back he smokes fairly heavily) and my downstairs neighbors are Very heavy smokers. One thing I'll say is that you do go nose blind to it after awhile. My partner will definitely only smoke outside or in the car with windows wide open, and he uses mouthwash religiously. Apart from noticing at first when he's picked it up again, I can hardly tell anymore. Whereas his friends who don't see him often can tell immediately. So if this guy is worth it, know that it'll likely get way better in time.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:51 AM on November 9, 2023 [3 favorites]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, given your difficulties in finding a good partner. Like you, I'm in that in-between category where smoking goes way beyond unpleasant but is short of full asthma attack for me. And when Mr. Blah and I met, he'd quit smoking several months beforehand -- there were many times when I was grateful for that, because if he'd been a smoker when we met, I'd have never dated him at all.

However there was a period in the middle of our relationship when he did resume smoking, and it was very, very difficult for me. The only thing that made it at all bearable was the fact that he'd smoke in the outside world or in our yard, then come inside and brush his teeth, put those clothes in the hamper and take a shower. And then not smoke for the rest of the day. Anything less than that was unbearable for me, smell-wise. It helped that he had a job with extremely long hours, so on weekdays he could easily be gone 14-18 hours. This smoking era lasted about one year.

And I don't want to overdramatize, but yes, this did threaten my marriage. If he went back to it now, it would likely end our marriage. I grew up in a household of heavy smokers and I do not want to live that way ever again.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:08 AM on November 9, 2023 [3 favorites]

Does he already shower, brush his teeth, and put on clean clothes before he sees you?

(The car there's no hope for unless he quits; don't get in it.)
posted by metasarah at 8:01 AM on November 9, 2023

I remember your last Ask, and am so pleased that you were able to find a good partner! I think that switching to smoking outside is probably the best bet - if he smokes in the car, have him roll the windows down, etc. These are pretty normative 'I smoke but I'm in a relationship now' asks. This will make some of the smoke dissipate and not cling to him as much.
posted by corb at 8:04 AM on November 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

Febreze helped with clothes, and once, in a tipsy state, with my (long) hair after a night of being out in bars that permitted smoking. It's not too expensive and worth a spritz to see if it helps with outerwear, car interiors, etc.
posted by spamandkimchi at 8:18 AM on November 9, 2023

I really hate the smell of smoking, and I even asked a question here about it once, when I was going to visit a relative who smoked in the house before going to a professional event. And I have rarely dated a smoker. But, I have recently dated a smoker who doesn't smell like smoke! A few things I've noticed:

He always smokes outside. Always. Even at his own house, where he lives alone, you'll never find him smoking inside. And, he steps several steps away from the door when he smokes. If we were hanging out, and it was cold, he'd go outside in the cold, several steps away. He doesn't smoke inside at any places, whether he's with others or not.

He always washes his hands after smoking.

I'm not sure, but he might have smoked cigarettes that had less of an aftertaste.

Would your fella be willing to change some habits, to not smoke in his car or house, to start the process of making smoking into an outside only habit? It's a big shift. It'll likely serve him well in other contexts, though that's not really your place to say. But it sounds like he's considerate around you. Can he extend that consideration to the time when you're not together?

The guy I dated was a very heavy smoker, but also incredibly considerate of others, and that made a big difference.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:38 AM on November 9, 2023 [5 favorites]

My husband was a smoker for about the first 5ish years we were together -- he always smoked outside, and didn't smoke heavily, and would always wash his face/beard thoroughly when he came in after his final cigarette of the night which seemed to help. He also smoked American Spirits which I don't think smell quite as bad as some other brands.

After that he switched to mostly chewing tobacco for several years (he'd chewed in high school before he became a smoker in his 20s) which, I gotta be honest, I personally liked much better than cigarettes. The spit bottles were gross but he always emptied/cleaned them out after using chew. Another amazing thing about chew is that it irritated his gums and I think gave a lot more urgent/visual "hey this is a bad habit" than smoking which you can't visually see the health effects of as readily.

He's neither chewed nor smoked for the last ~7 years, but it was having a stroke that caused him to stop all the tobacco usage.
posted by jabes at 1:34 PM on November 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

As a child of divorced parents, I regularly had to go between a nonsmoking house and smoking house. My entire respiratory system hated the smoking house, and I took a ton of antihistamines (mostly Sudafed) and smeared strong smelling Mentholatum under my nose and in my nostrils while there to try to find some relief. Also eye drops to soothe watering eyes. I love that all the solutions above are mostly for changes your partner can make and there are tons of good ideas, but you may find some additional relief experimenting with various creams and salves that both soothe and distract your nose.
posted by luzdeluna at 7:27 AM on November 10, 2023

Heavy smoker here.

Ask him to stay outside your home for an extra couple minutes after he finishes a cigarette. This will allow more of the smoke to stay outside rather than travel in his lungs into your home.

Having a smoking jacket, hat and gloves helps. When he comes inside after smoking, he can not only scrub his hands (some smell may come through even latex gloves) but also his face. Brush teeth and mouthwash.

Have him keep his laundry separate from yours if staying over, and have him put his in a sealable plastic bag after it's been worn.

Wiping heavy sweat areas with body wipes a few times a day can help as well.

I know my body odor can get bitter from the nicotine, so adding extra citrus to his diet (or even stuff like celery that can also make other bodily fluid taste better) can help.
posted by Vigilant at 11:52 AM on November 10, 2023