How to nicely turn down donation/meal $ offers?
October 13, 2023 12:29 PM Subscribe
During my surgery and chemo, some friends contributed and helped gift meal/DoorDash money my way, including a MealTrain. A few friends still want to donate meal money my way, even though I've finished the surgery and chemo rounds. I feel funny/wrong taking that money, but they seem to really want to donate. How should I turn them down?
I really appreciate their kindness! I just feel wrong taking any further donations/gifts/money, especially now that my journey is done. I'm not sure exactly how to say that, though, without hurting any feelings (aha, hello, good ole people pleaser!), so any suggestions or scripts would be wonderful.
Thanks!
I really appreciate their kindness! I just feel wrong taking any further donations/gifts/money, especially now that my journey is done. I'm not sure exactly how to say that, though, without hurting any feelings (aha, hello, good ole people pleaser!), so any suggestions or scripts would be wonderful.
Thanks!
Alternative take: your friends love you and want you to take it easy. Find a way to get the word out that you’re better but allow them some grace period. Or pay it forwards to anyone else you might have met through your medical travels.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:50 PM on October 13, 2023 [22 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:50 PM on October 13, 2023 [22 favorites]
Response by poster: I love Narrow Harbor's response! I used most of that response and also, mentioned that if something came up again with my cancer journey, I would be sure to let them know. Seems like the best compromise.
Thanks again!
posted by dubious_dude at 1:05 PM on October 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
Thanks again!
posted by dubious_dude at 1:05 PM on October 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
Do the graceful decline, as well as "I'll donate X amount to charity in your name", perhaps?
posted by kschang at 1:46 PM on October 13, 2023
posted by kschang at 1:46 PM on October 13, 2023
You could definitely do as described above, or you could see it another way. This is not a donation; it's a gift. People give gifts when someone is celebrating something good ("Happy You Got a Job Day!") and to buck you up when something bad has happened ("I wish I could take away the pain of this breakup, but let me treat you to an evening eating nachos with me!").
If it's a dear friend who'd likely take you to dinner (or who would have brought over meals) if you lived in the same place, you might want to accept it with grace, because it's a gift of love and they might be affronted to think of it as a donation instead of a gesture of love. But if it's a not-that-close friend, someone who sees it more as a belated kindness during your journey, then yes, Narrow Harbor's got it exactly right.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 2:01 PM on October 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
If it's a dear friend who'd likely take you to dinner (or who would have brought over meals) if you lived in the same place, you might want to accept it with grace, because it's a gift of love and they might be affronted to think of it as a donation instead of a gesture of love. But if it's a not-that-close friend, someone who sees it more as a belated kindness during your journey, then yes, Narrow Harbor's got it exactly right.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 2:01 PM on October 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
What I have said lately in pretty much exactly the same situation is
"Things feel very manageable for now, I'll let everybody know if things get tricky again, thank you so much for your kindness, it means so much to know that our friends have our back."
There's a part 2 for some people:
" We would love to see you though! Let's get together, when is good for you?"
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 2:26 PM on October 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
"Things feel very manageable for now, I'll let everybody know if things get tricky again, thank you so much for your kindness, it means so much to know that our friends have our back."
There's a part 2 for some people:
" We would love to see you though! Let's get together, when is good for you?"
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 2:26 PM on October 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Having read your previous questions--when you were going through chemo, weren't you struggling with not having enough support? And in general, you do a lot for people and end up feeling resentful when the same level of care and concern isn't returned? Now you have some friends who want to show up for you and support you now, but you're not comfortable with accepting it now that the worst of the crisis is over.
If you had a friend who had just finished chemo, would you think they were "done" with needing help, or still recovering from an extremely difficult experience? Based on your previous questions, I think you'd be the person who was organizing the mutual friends to set up something like what your friends are trying to do here. And your friends know that. It's really ok to accept a nice thing your friends want to do for you even when you're not in dire need.
posted by Mistaken for Strangers at 3:42 PM on October 13, 2023 [26 favorites]
If you had a friend who had just finished chemo, would you think they were "done" with needing help, or still recovering from an extremely difficult experience? Based on your previous questions, I think you'd be the person who was organizing the mutual friends to set up something like what your friends are trying to do here. And your friends know that. It's really ok to accept a nice thing your friends want to do for you even when you're not in dire need.
posted by Mistaken for Strangers at 3:42 PM on October 13, 2023 [26 favorites]
Response by poster: Now you have some friends who want to show up for you and support you now, but you're not comfortable with accepting it now that the worst of the crisis is over.
Ethically, I don't feel right taking the money, even though it's a very nice thought. It just doesn't feel right, especially if it's to help with getting through the situation. The situation is over and done (until/if I get cancer again, which I'm hoping does not happen).
This situation applies to more surface-level friends who live far away and didn't get the chance to donate when I was in surgery/chemo.
It would be different if, for example, a local friend offered to take me out to dinner and insisted on treating me as a celebration of finishing chemo.
I don't know, it just doesn't feel right to me. Some here might disagree, and that's fine. I just don't want them to resent me later on and feel "cheated" because when they gave me the money, I was perfectly fine and healthy.
posted by dubious_dude at 7:25 AM on October 14, 2023
Ethically, I don't feel right taking the money, even though it's a very nice thought. It just doesn't feel right, especially if it's to help with getting through the situation. The situation is over and done (until/if I get cancer again, which I'm hoping does not happen).
This situation applies to more surface-level friends who live far away and didn't get the chance to donate when I was in surgery/chemo.
It would be different if, for example, a local friend offered to take me out to dinner and insisted on treating me as a celebration of finishing chemo.
I don't know, it just doesn't feel right to me. Some here might disagree, and that's fine. I just don't want them to resent me later on and feel "cheated" because when they gave me the money, I was perfectly fine and healthy.
posted by dubious_dude at 7:25 AM on October 14, 2023
Tell these friends how helpful they've been, how much it means to you, and suggest getting together for dinner now that you're (hopefully) getting back your energy. I'd write notecards to thank your friends. Yay for being on the other side of it!
posted by theora55 at 8:59 AM on October 14, 2023
posted by theora55 at 8:59 AM on October 14, 2023
> This situation applies to more surface-level friends who live far away and didn't get the chance to donate when I was in surgery/chemo.
Perhaps they care more about you than the term "surface level" gives them credit for?
You have been sick very recently, you are still recovering (and so very glad for you that you are!) - it would help you, I think, to learn to accept the care and concern and generosity of people without feeling the pressure of being somehow beholden to them, without feeling the pressure that you now need to consider them close friends, without feeling the pressure to make it "ethical" by whatever standard you're imaginign apply to you, without in fact feeling any pressure at all. It's just NICE, right? Say thank you, and enjoy! This is okay. This is great.
posted by MiraK at 2:54 PM on October 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
Perhaps they care more about you than the term "surface level" gives them credit for?
You have been sick very recently, you are still recovering (and so very glad for you that you are!) - it would help you, I think, to learn to accept the care and concern and generosity of people without feeling the pressure of being somehow beholden to them, without feeling the pressure that you now need to consider them close friends, without feeling the pressure to make it "ethical" by whatever standard you're imaginign apply to you, without in fact feeling any pressure at all. It's just NICE, right? Say thank you, and enjoy! This is okay. This is great.
posted by MiraK at 2:54 PM on October 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
If someone I cared about—even in a detached, friend-of-a-friend, see them a couple times a year kind of way—went through chemo and was newly done with treatment, and I offered them DoorDash money or whatever, it wouldn’t be because I thought they needed it. It would be because going through a prolonged medical treatment is exhausting and hard, and as they acclimate to being on the other side of it, they still deserve love and care.
You don’t have to accept any gift that makes you uncomfortable, but do keep in mind that these are gifts meant to support your well-being (by literally feeding you, by giving you convenience and comfort as you continue to heal, and by providing tangible evidence that these people care about you). This isn’t an ethical dilemma. It’s about how you relate to others.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:19 PM on October 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
You don’t have to accept any gift that makes you uncomfortable, but do keep in mind that these are gifts meant to support your well-being (by literally feeding you, by giving you convenience and comfort as you continue to heal, and by providing tangible evidence that these people care about you). This isn’t an ethical dilemma. It’s about how you relate to others.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:19 PM on October 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
I don't know, it just doesn't feel right to me. Some here might disagree, and that's fine. I just don't want them to resent me later on and feel "cheated" because when they gave me the money, I was perfectly fine and healthy.
Of course you don't have to accept a gift that makes you uncomfortable and doesn't feel right to you. I also like the suggestions about to counter with another idea, if there is a nice thing your friends could do for you that you are more comfortable with.
However, and I mean this kindly as someone who has related to a lot of your questions, the second sentence sounds a lot like something that is coming from your social anxiety and how growing up with a beyond unsupportive family changes your perspective.
Like I don't know any of these people, but I can 100% guarantee that they are not going to feel "cheated" later and resent you because they are giving you a gift a bit after the time you were most in need of it. (They might, however, be feeling a little bad that they didn't do this earlier.) This just isn't how normal, reasonably well-adjusted people behave. If any of them did end up feeling this way, that would be coming from their own exceptional dysfunction, and those feelings would not be something you are responsible for managing or protecting them from.
If you were taught that you have to hit a certain level of need and deservingness before accepting a gift, lest that person hold it against you later because you didn't "need" it enough, I'm sorry and that sucks. It's not true. Your distant friends just want to do a nice thing that is really pretty low-effort. They're not going to stew over it and analyze it afterwards. They won't even think about it at all.
posted by Mistaken for Strangers at 7:18 PM on October 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
Of course you don't have to accept a gift that makes you uncomfortable and doesn't feel right to you. I also like the suggestions about to counter with another idea, if there is a nice thing your friends could do for you that you are more comfortable with.
However, and I mean this kindly as someone who has related to a lot of your questions, the second sentence sounds a lot like something that is coming from your social anxiety and how growing up with a beyond unsupportive family changes your perspective.
Like I don't know any of these people, but I can 100% guarantee that they are not going to feel "cheated" later and resent you because they are giving you a gift a bit after the time you were most in need of it. (They might, however, be feeling a little bad that they didn't do this earlier.) This just isn't how normal, reasonably well-adjusted people behave. If any of them did end up feeling this way, that would be coming from their own exceptional dysfunction, and those feelings would not be something you are responsible for managing or protecting them from.
If you were taught that you have to hit a certain level of need and deservingness before accepting a gift, lest that person hold it against you later because you didn't "need" it enough, I'm sorry and that sucks. It's not true. Your distant friends just want to do a nice thing that is really pretty low-effort. They're not going to stew over it and analyze it afterwards. They won't even think about it at all.
posted by Mistaken for Strangers at 7:18 PM on October 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
I give people money / gift cards sometimes because I feel bad I wasn't there for them when they needed me most. Or I just want to do something nice for them. It's not conditional on them feeling a certain level of bad. I would feel sad and rejected if they didn't take it. Weird as it sounds, a gift isn't entirely about the recipient, it's also about the giver. Honestly, don't be fraught or weird or prolong it or impose conditions about when it's ok for them to give you a gift.
Gently- you have asked a lot of questions about friends not treating you to drinks or dinner - now they are, and you still aren't happy? Change your mindset about this!
You get a lot of feedback here that you sometimes can be socially a bit controlling.... this is another example of that.
Your friend is trying to be kind, they can spare the money, and they wanted to use their own money to make you feel nice. They're trying to build warmth between you. Don't tell them they did it wrong for Pete's sake.
What to do: Take the kindness and thank them warmly. "Wow, you're so thoughtful, I really appreciate it!" Then yse the opportunity to build even more warmth and deepens the friendship by texting them a photo when you order your delicious dinner and saying thanks again and start a fun light convo.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:57 AM on October 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Gently- you have asked a lot of questions about friends not treating you to drinks or dinner - now they are, and you still aren't happy? Change your mindset about this!
You get a lot of feedback here that you sometimes can be socially a bit controlling.... this is another example of that.
Your friend is trying to be kind, they can spare the money, and they wanted to use their own money to make you feel nice. They're trying to build warmth between you. Don't tell them they did it wrong for Pete's sake.
What to do: Take the kindness and thank them warmly. "Wow, you're so thoughtful, I really appreciate it!" Then yse the opportunity to build even more warmth and deepens the friendship by texting them a photo when you order your delicious dinner and saying thanks again and start a fun light convo.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:57 AM on October 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by Narrow Harbor at 12:37 PM on October 13, 2023 [11 favorites]