Survival tips for a socially anxious Maid of Honour

October 6, 2023 5:19 AM

My younger sister is getting married tomorrow and I'm the Maid of Honour. I love her dearly and am incredibly happy for her. I'm also terrified in advance of the 500-person event. Hope me?

For background, I'm dealing with a few health issues that make this a bit more tricky: chronic pain, stress-induced IBS and cranio-facial hyperhidrosis, as well as medicated anxiety and unmedicated ADHD (on the waiting list).

It's also relevant that I'm unmarried and presumed single by those in attendance. My partner and I have been together for years, but because he is white, my father doesn't want to acknowledge his existence until we're engaged to be married (we are brown Muslim). This is better than my previous relationship, where I was disowned for a period when I told my parents I was dating a white man.

My sister is marrying a brown Muslim man from a nice family. She is extremely conventionally attractive and is getting married at the 'right' age. I am fat and left on the shelf and that's ok, I like being me. But I hate that, in this one-off context, I am going to be judged as 'less than' and pitiable. And convention requires that I tour the room kissing the babies of those judging me.

My mum and sister know about all my health issues, but they haven't really asked me how I am in about six months, which is understandable. Both are highly anxious about the wedding, it's all that they can think about. I have no desire to add to their stress. That is my main goal for this weekend: being supportive and not adding to anyone's stress. This weekend is the culmination of several weeks of wedding events, before which there was a bachelorette trip abroad. My cousin got married at the beginning of the summer, also a big deal with multiple events, and our grandma's (also 500-person) funeral was in-between the two weddings. This is the bare minimum I could attend without being considered unsupportive, but it has been a lot and I am worn down.

I feel some unspoken resentment coming from my mum and sister that I haven't been around for more of the admin, like helping to choose venue, food, making decorations etc. In our culture it is expected that sisters are heavily involved in this stuff. My mum and sister have said they understand why I can't do this, and I have taken them at their word. At the same time, I know them well enough that I can detect their irritation at my absence through some passive-aggressive comments.

Please could you give me some advice on:

- Responding to nosy questions about my personal life without giving away any details whatsoever, and without being rude.

- Staying calm in a loud, busy, stressful environment, and helping others to stay calm too

- Staying cool and not sweating too much while wearing an extremely heavy, ornate gown

- Giving a 1-minute speech (more of a toast? except we don't drink) to celebrate my sister and her husband. I know what I want to say, but how do I stay calm and get my words out?

Thanks a lot in advance

posted by guessthis to Human Relations (19 answers total)

This sounds very difficult. One thing that helps me when going into socially difficult situations is to take several ibuprofen tablets. For some reason the phrase "mental pain is still pain" comes to mind. It really helps tamp down some of the jagged edges. (I am also medicated for anxiety, taking citalopram. The ibuprofen helps.)

I think you should have a script in mind for responding to questions, you can say something like "I'm doing well, thank you for asking, how are you?" and if they attempt to pry further you can deflect with "Oh, let's not talk about me, this is sister's day to shine, don't you love her dress?" etc. If they dig they're being rude and you squint your eyes into the distance and say "oh there's [some person you like] I have to go say hi to them, have a great party!"

I would also recommend invisible musician's earplugs as a very good way of reducing social anxiety. If you can find a pair short notice (do you have a musical instrument shop nearby) they will cut the sound level down significantly without hampering your ability to understand speech.

If you can avoid eating anything heavy the day of, that will help your body stay cooler. Digestion takes a lot of energy and produces a lot of heat that will build up under your gown.

It's okay to have a written prompt for your speech, just put a few notes down on a cocktail napkin and address them one by one.

You'll get through this!
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:37 AM on October 6, 2023 [4 favorites]

A few ideas:

1. Have something with positive associations that you can touch (wear a piece of jewelry or keep a small stone/shell in a pocket) to remind you to take a moment to breathe and remember that you like being you

2. Take regular bathroom breaks where you close your eyes, slowly breathe, and tell yourself that you are doing a good job and it will be over soon

3. Before you leave for the wedding, set out cozy clothes and comforting food/drink so that it is ready for you when you get home. If you think a bath would be nice, set that up as well.
posted by mcduff at 5:56 AM on October 6, 2023 [7 favorites]

- Responding to nosy questions about my personal life without giving away any details whatsoever, and without being rude.

"Aww you're sweet to ask! I'm doing very well, especially today seeing [sister] shine. Isn't she radiant? I'm so happy for her!"

- Staying calm in a loud, busy, stressful environment, and helping others to stay calm too

Focus on your sister, fluff her gown, keep tissues on hand for her to dab her eye when she tears up or her cheeks when she gets hot, keep concealer on hand to keep that one blemish covered in photos, just generally keep your attention on your role for the day. Fuss over your mother too if that's part of the job. A "today is about sister" mantra for the day might be helpful too.

- Staying cool and not sweating too much while wearing an extremely heavy, ornate gown

Keep a bit of fabric on ice or in a small cooler under the table with ice packs and dab them at your pulse-points behind your ears and inside your wrists at every opportunity. Take something ice-cold with you whenever you go to the loo and hold it against the inside of your thigh while you pee.

- Giving a 1-minute speech (more of a toast? except we don't drink) to celebrate my sister and her husband. I know what I want to say, but how do I stay calm and get my words out?

Write them down and start the speech by saying "I'm quite nervous about this so I've written some notes in order to be sure to remember every word I want to say about my beloved sister and her wonderful new husband on this auspicious day..." then you're free to just read your notes, ignoring the crowd and looking up to smile at your sister and her husband now and then instead. The speech isn't for the guests anyway, it's your love letter to your sister and they're all just fortunate to be in the room to hear it.
posted by headnsouth at 6:42 AM on October 6, 2023 [16 favorites]

Ive seen online a lot the little plastic usb charging fans that fit in a purse, that might be nice to have on hand to pull out in a quite moment in a bathroom/outside/quite moment. Air circulation just helps me calm especially if I'm wearing something heavy and getting anxious.

Go to wedding phrases: Oh doesn't bride/groom look so happy! This is just such a pretty day!Thanks so much for coming, i know how much it means to mom/dad/bride groom that you are here! How is the family! Thanks so much for traveling, how was your flight? Im doing great but enough about me its sisters day! Wasn't the ceremony was so lovely? Deflection and questions are your friends here. It doesn't matter if you actually listen/care.

Also, I tend to try to be super helpful to bride/mom (fluffing/finding/making sure they have water/snacks, talking to vendors ect) because then they see you helping and then you are just so busy that you cant socialize! Ooops. Also a great excuse if you get pulled into a conversation you dont want to have "oh i want to catch up but i have to go check in with the planner! Ill be right back! (you will not be right back).

Write out your speech and practice it a couple times/ time it too. Just focus on getting through it and it will be done. It doesnt have to be amazing, take that pressure off yourself.
posted by zara at 6:48 AM on October 6, 2023 [3 favorites]

I was the best man for my sister's wedding, and I was extremely anxious about it. I felt awful leading up to it and almost threw up in the bathroom right before my speech. But apparently the practice I did while hiding in the bathroom helped and my speech went fine (I asked someone I trusted to tell the truth). It was kind of an awful experience for me to be honest although I didn't hate all of the reception. I sweated a lot and was uncomfortable the whole time.

And... that was all totally fine! Yes I was awkward and probably made some people slightly uncomfortable but it didn't effect the ceremony at all and everyone had a good time. Your family already knows you are worried about it based on what you wrote so they won't care if you do something wrong, and the strangers will probably never see you again. Your family probably does have a bit of resentment about some details, but that's normal for high stress family events like weddings. It's also probably good that you're doing this, a friend of mine said no when her sister asked her to be maid of honor and that caused a huge amount of resentment (that they did work through in family counseling).

You really only have two important goals for tomorrow: perform the tasks you have agreed to do (the speech etc), and don't do things that very obviously take attention away from the bride/groom or disrupt the ceremony. I've been to a lot of weddings (of various cultures) and the only time the maid of honor was a problem was when one of them told an extremely embarrassing and inappropriate college story about the bride so I would avoid that. Based on what you've written I'm sure you can handle the important things even if you are upset or worried and other posts have good suggestions.
posted by JZig at 6:49 AM on October 6, 2023 [1 favorite]

I have an additional suggestion.

I was also the maid of honor for my BFF. That family situation was a lot less fraught; no nosy people asking me about my dating history or any health issues. But I'm also similarly shy, and the other two bridesmaids were high school friends who'd been sometimes kind to me, but also sometimes cruel. (In fact, they were such drama queens that my friend didn't declare me her maid of honor until 1 am the day of her wedding, because she simply didn't want to deal with the tantrums the other two would have thrown if she'd announced that any sooner.)

One of the things a maid of honor needs to do is be a sort of "problem-solver", and I decided to really lean into that a bit - being on the lookout for situations that I could help address. That helped me excuse myself from a lot of conversations ("Excuse me, I've just noticed that it looks like the caterer needs a hand with something"), and also took me out of the party for chunks of time here and there (I was able to hide from everyone for about a half hour when one of the other bridesmaids got blind drunk - by bringing her to the toilet and sitting there while she puked, shat herself, and sobbed). Granted that there are some things you won't be able to do while you're in your full gown (another thing I did was to clean up some dog poo at 5 am the day of the wedding), but everyone knows that the maid of honor is expected to be a bit of a problem-solver, and so they wouldn't think it ill of you at all if you stop a conversation mid-sentence and excuse yourself because "I think there's something I need to address, please excuse me".

And checking in with your boyfriend now and then will also help. I brought my own then-boyfriend along to that wedding - he didn't know anyone there, so I kept coming back to him to "check in on him", but really it was more an excuse to take a break from the other two bridesmaids (he'd heard all the dirt about them and he was coming up with all kinds of nasty things to say about them, to make me laugh). Maybe try coming up with some kind of secret signal between you that's code for "help get me out of this situation" - like, maybe tell him that if he sees you scratching your left elbow, that means he needs to come over and say "Hey, sorry to interrupt - Guessthis, someone was looking for you in the hallway" or something like that to give you an excuse to leave.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:48 AM on October 6, 2023 [3 favorites]

I think you should have a script in mind for responding to questions, you can say something like "I'm doing well, thank you for asking, how are you?" and if they attempt to pry further you can deflect with "Oh, let's not talk about me, this is sister's day to shine, don't you love her dress?" etc. If they dig they're being rude and you squint your eyes into the distance and say "oh there's [some person you like] I have to go say hi to them, have a great party!"

In the same vein, if you can't deflect them to talk about your sister, try getting them to talk about themselves. Most people jump at the chance to brag (or complain) about their lives at these kinds of big gatherings!
posted by nanny's striped stocking at 8:12 AM on October 6, 2023 [3 favorites]

A tiny piece of xanax. Like 1/4 of an average tablet. Repeat after 3-4 hours. Might be best to test it if possible. Surely someone you know has a tablet for you.
posted by RoadScholar at 8:15 AM on October 6, 2023

But apparently the practice I did while hiding in the bathroom helped and my speech went fine

Actually, "Sorry! I need to go practice my speech a few more times!" could be a really useful way to extricate yourself from conversations with nosy relatives too.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 8:20 AM on October 6, 2023 [1 favorite]

In addition to the great suggestions above, I might think about reframing how you think about others' expectations at the event. Instead of imagining that they are looking down on you, imagine that you are free from complying with restrictive cultural expectations that have trapped the judgy people because you are doing something different. If you can get in that headspace, you can deflect questions more easily and breeze right by without feeling their judgment. Come up with a mantra that you say to yourself -- "I'm doing something different" "Just x more hours!" whatever works for you.

If your health permits, keeping busy with wedding-day chores is a great way to be a lifesaver. My husband is an atheist in a brown Muslim family and everyone loved him because he hopped in a car and rescued people who were left ride-less and got them to the wedding and picked up lost late arrivers from the airport.

It might also help if you have a pocket to have a sachet with a scent you like that is relaxing (lavender, cucumber, etc.) Deep breaths and aromatherapy can slow down incoming stress.

You can also do guided meditation for a few days ahead of the event to prepare.
posted by *s at 9:25 AM on October 6, 2023 [1 favorite]

I'm a singer/actor, so I recognise part of what you're feeling.

From experience: I wouldn't do xanax. I would take a beta blocker (propranolol). That is what performers take for anxiety, where they need to be fully aware & mentally sharp but not have their hands shake or their breathing lock up. It's not mood altering, what it does is regulate your heart rate and slow the physical anxiety response.

You say your anxiety is medicated, so you probably know about these already and maybe you have some in the house. Check that they're in date, and if not, ask your doctor to prescribe new ones. It's a generic, they ought to be affordable.

I don't know whether you watched the season of RuPaul's Drag Race that Jinkx Monsoon won, but while standing onstage waiting to be judged, Jinkx would murmur to herself "Water off a duck's back, water off a duck's back." (video) If you can, find some similar touchstone or phrase to remind you that the judgement of others does not affect your life, your relationship or your value.

Likewise: let go of guilt about the preparations. You're here to do a job: assist the bride, do some stage-management, give a speech. You can't go back in time and do other jobs, so just focus on what needs doing now, today. Let everything else slide.

You: "Mom, the decorations look lovely!"
Mom (passive aggressively): "Thanks, we were up all night doing them, just the two of us"
You: (cheerfully oblivious): "Yes, all the work and love you put into it really shows! Now, let me get you a lemonade..."

Socialising is last priority. Just do a little small talk, smile and then say "Speaking of which, I have to go check if [sister] needs anything. See you soon."

Sweating: I love a good old-fashioned folding fabric fan. Stylish and effective. See if you can find one to match your outfit. (Fabric not too light or lacy, or it won't throw enough air)

When you give your speech, stay close to the mic and speak slowly at normal volume. Remember, the mic is an ear. Close and clear. As you speak, breathe slowly and feel your feet on the ground. You've got this.
posted by Pallas Athena at 9:27 AM on October 6, 2023 [10 favorites]

Some really good suggestions above. I would just like to say that, given the wedding is tomorrow, I would not suggest trying any kind of new medication (Xanax, propranolol etc) on the day itself. You have no idea how you will react to it. Even relatively innocuous drugs like propranolol can make you feel dizzy and give you a crashing headache, for example.
posted by snipsnapsnoop at 12:20 PM on October 6, 2023 [4 favorites]

Absolutely do NOT internalize their “sad sack” narrative of you. Because it’s simply not true!

I once went to a cousins wedding as the 30+ presumed sad sack single; little did I tell them that I’d already met someone just hadn’t announced yet. (We later got married.)

So instead laugh at them inside your head for being so off the mark. If they had any idea the life you lead. You’re the woman of mystery! Too bad for them. If they get nosy you could shut it down with some tales: I was seeing someone but recently broke it off, didn’t tell anyone cuz you know how Auntie X can be… or hey check your lists and see who’s still single. Keep it in your back pocket that you’re juuust fine. You have a guy! No worries.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:21 PM on October 6, 2023 [3 favorites]

And… hold in your heart how good you’re being, saving some people from some pearl clutching on your sisters special day. You’re being dignified and classy, because you’re dignified and classy. So wear that as your armor. And keep directing the spotlight where it belongs “yes but doesn’t my sister look so fabulous.”

PS the moms of the babies you’re kissing are exhausted and the dads are exhausted. Remember that too.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:19 PM on October 6, 2023 [3 favorites]

In response to rude questions about your status, say something vaguely positive and then ask them about their wedding. Then move on to someone else. Whatever niceties are expected, whatever appropriate filler and segue from one sentence to another.
+"My wedding? Oh, yes, wouldn't that be something! What was your wedding like?"
+"You want to introduce me to someone? Thank you for thinking of me! When you and (spouse) met the first time, what was it like?"
+"What were weddings like when you were young/What are the differences between weddings here and weddings in [place of origin]?"
Another version is asking them about something you know from their past or a memory of them. (I was just remembering how you would bring me a sweet every time you came to visit!) (You lived in Elsewhere when you were in college, right? What was that like?)

You can also make a point of introducing your side of the family to the groom's side of the family. Appear constantly harried, make an introduction, disappear.

Lastly, think of a boring baroque answer in advance. Anytime sometime asks something you don't want to answer, launch into a monologue so tedious that they will take any opportunity to let you move on. You can use the same topic over and over again. "I'm so glad you asked, that reminds me of ordeal sister had to go through to find this caterer. My piano teacher told us such stories about her college catering job, blah blah blah."
posted by meemzi at 10:14 PM on October 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

Remember that virtually every question anyone is going to ask you is meant as a space-filling pleasantry, and should be responded to in like spirit. It's never about you, and so you are absolved from making it about you.

"How are you?" "Great, so happy for my sister. How are you?"

"What have you been doing?" "Working and traveling, life is great. Yourself?"

"When are you getting married?" "Sometime soon I'm sure! How are your kids doing?"

"Do you have a boyfriend?" "That would be telling! Is your son dating?"
posted by MattD at 10:53 AM on October 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

Once you've recovered, if you feel like saying, I'd love to know how the day went. I hope it was lovely and that everything was OK.
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:20 PM on October 7, 2023 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks so much everyone for your advice and support. Nearly all were a 'best answer' in one form or another, as I took little bits of advice from lots of people, and the moral support as a whole was a source of strength in itself.

In the end I really threw myself into the 'helper' role and that was a great excuse to get away from people, as well as a way to focus my energy away from the negative. I couldn't find ice or something cold but having a paper fan was a great, somewhat elegant solution that matched my dress. Deep breathing was also very useful. I snuck back into the bridal suite a couple of times just to breathe deeply with no one else around. Meds were a no-go as valium/diazepam is not easily prescribed over here, and I have asthma so beta blockers are contra-indicated.

I also decided to go super short with my speech and make sure I put as much warmth and sincerity into those few words as I could -- I think that was the best approach, as I could maintain eye contact with my sister for a lot of it, and it made for a special moment between us.

She had an incredible day. I survived and I'm so, so glad I was able to be present not just physically but also emotionally.
posted by guessthis at 1:31 AM on October 9, 2023 [9 favorites]

Response by poster: And in a final epilogue, it turns out I also managed to get COVID at the wedding. The enforced rest is doing me good, but as a final tip for other anxious maids of honour: don't forget the hand sanitiser.
posted by guessthis at 11:21 AM on October 12, 2023