Stood up for yourself, lost your family
December 9, 2015 10:07 AM Subscribe
You disrupt dysfunctional family dynamic. Now your family hates you. How do you deal?
My husband is facing a really hard situation, and I would like to offer support and tips for him to deal. I think I may need a couple of these tips myself.
Since he was a child, he was raised to believe he needed to always appease his sister, whose behavior is very difficult. He was always asked to be the better person, and he has grown into a person who looks emotionally together, but who inside suffers from tremendous anxiety. He shuts down, stops eating, and has in the past developed an ulcer (at age 26) which the doctor explained was probably due to stress.
I don't want to go into details about his sister, but she is overall emotionally demanding, histrionic and during her worst times, she gets really paranoid and believes her own stories about people she thinks are trying to break up her family or hurt her at work. She lies a lot but I think she doesn't do it on purpose. I really think she believes her lies.
The complicating factor is that she hates me. I have worked really hard to create a peaceful home, and my husband has been going to therapy and is overall getting better at being more assertive and taking care of himself. She sees his new confidence as a sign that I am controlling him. I cannot deny that my husband's behavior has changed since he got married, but I feel it's changed for the better. He is a much happier, less anxious person now.
After a particularly crappy incident about 6 months ago, we decided to completely sever ties with her. I know it was hard for my husband to go against his parents' indoctrination to keep her happy no matter what.
Since then, his parents have practically cut him off the family, except when they call him to demand that he stop being difficult. They are mad at him for betraying his sister and siding with me. They are convinced my husband's actions are the result of my controlling him (which infuriates me, because it's like they just can't imagine my husband having any agency whatsoever).
A recent source of trouble is that his sister works in the same field I do. She has started wild, completely insane rumors about my work, and these have reached my supervisor. I feel like I have handled this well, since my supervisor is aware of the whole situation and knows to ignore her, but my husband was so mortified about her behavior. I did interrupt the silence by sending her a very short to the point email telling her my supervisor and I are aware of the things she is saying. This was two days ago. We are brazing for the storm that comes when she reads it and runs to her parents (she doesn't check her email that often).
My husband is trying to keep strong and cheerful, but I know he is devastated. He is going to therapy, but sometimes both of us get really bummed out because it's so unfair we are being treated like we're the problem.
I would like to hear from people who have experienced situations similar to my husband's. How did you cope with the injustice and the grief being cut off by your family?
My husband is facing a really hard situation, and I would like to offer support and tips for him to deal. I think I may need a couple of these tips myself.
Since he was a child, he was raised to believe he needed to always appease his sister, whose behavior is very difficult. He was always asked to be the better person, and he has grown into a person who looks emotionally together, but who inside suffers from tremendous anxiety. He shuts down, stops eating, and has in the past developed an ulcer (at age 26) which the doctor explained was probably due to stress.
I don't want to go into details about his sister, but she is overall emotionally demanding, histrionic and during her worst times, she gets really paranoid and believes her own stories about people she thinks are trying to break up her family or hurt her at work. She lies a lot but I think she doesn't do it on purpose. I really think she believes her lies.
The complicating factor is that she hates me. I have worked really hard to create a peaceful home, and my husband has been going to therapy and is overall getting better at being more assertive and taking care of himself. She sees his new confidence as a sign that I am controlling him. I cannot deny that my husband's behavior has changed since he got married, but I feel it's changed for the better. He is a much happier, less anxious person now.
After a particularly crappy incident about 6 months ago, we decided to completely sever ties with her. I know it was hard for my husband to go against his parents' indoctrination to keep her happy no matter what.
Since then, his parents have practically cut him off the family, except when they call him to demand that he stop being difficult. They are mad at him for betraying his sister and siding with me. They are convinced my husband's actions are the result of my controlling him (which infuriates me, because it's like they just can't imagine my husband having any agency whatsoever).
A recent source of trouble is that his sister works in the same field I do. She has started wild, completely insane rumors about my work, and these have reached my supervisor. I feel like I have handled this well, since my supervisor is aware of the whole situation and knows to ignore her, but my husband was so mortified about her behavior. I did interrupt the silence by sending her a very short to the point email telling her my supervisor and I are aware of the things she is saying. This was two days ago. We are brazing for the storm that comes when she reads it and runs to her parents (she doesn't check her email that often).
My husband is trying to keep strong and cheerful, but I know he is devastated. He is going to therapy, but sometimes both of us get really bummed out because it's so unfair we are being treated like we're the problem.
I would like to hear from people who have experienced situations similar to my husband's. How did you cope with the injustice and the grief being cut off by your family?
Best answer: While I haven't been cut off, I'm also the sibling being assumed to be the reasonable one and asked to be accommodating to the sibling that's been acting out and claiming that everyone is against him when in truth he always gets his way as everyone else is walking on eggshells. It took me a really long time to realize that I can't change him or my parents and that I need to accept that. I need to put my oxygen mask on first and disengage as needed. I moved far away and I'm trying to limit contact to superficial pleasantries. I don't always succeed. But distance, boundaries, and giving up on trying to change everyone has helped.
posted by meijusa at 10:28 AM on December 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by meijusa at 10:28 AM on December 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
I did interrupt the silence by sending her a very short to the point email telling her my supervisor and I are aware of the things she is saying.
This was a huge, HUGE mistake. She will now step up her attacks on you, because she knows they reach you.
It would be easier to answer your question if you relayed something your husband has said. Something he has decided, etc. This is all from your perspective.
I appreciate that you want to help your husband grieve, but if he is in therapy, then he is learning to cope with family-of-origin injustices via his therapist. Being actively supportive of that process is probably the most effective help you can give him.
posted by headnsouth at 10:28 AM on December 9, 2015 [13 favorites]
This was a huge, HUGE mistake. She will now step up her attacks on you, because she knows they reach you.
It would be easier to answer your question if you relayed something your husband has said. Something he has decided, etc. This is all from your perspective.
I appreciate that you want to help your husband grieve, but if he is in therapy, then he is learning to cope with family-of-origin injustices via his therapist. Being actively supportive of that process is probably the most effective help you can give him.
posted by headnsouth at 10:28 AM on December 9, 2015 [13 favorites]
The thing about cutting ties is that it only works if you actually cut ties. The best way to deal with this sort of loss is, well, roughly the same grieving process as other things. It hurts until it hurts less than it used to. You form other significant connections with people and you make new holiday traditions and eventually it feels normal. But that's mostly on him. What you do is move on with your life and cut yourself out of it as much as possible. This isn't really the sort of thing where you support someone by giving them tips. This is more the sort of thing where you support someone by giving them a hug to make waiting out the hurty bits more tolerable.
posted by Sequence at 10:44 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Sequence at 10:44 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It would be easier to answer your question if you relayed something your husband has said. Something he has decided, etc. This is all from your perspective.
I am not sure what you mean, but I will give it a try. Except for the part with my job, I have been a witness more than an active participant.
- All the background info I have on things that happened before we got married has been relayed by him.
- He stopped interacting with his sister May this year. It was 100% his decision. I said "we" decided, because I made the exact same decision to stop speaking to her at the same time. I made it really clear that his and my decisions were independent, and he assured me he felt no pressure from me.
- The last thing he told his sister was that unless it was an apology to both of us, and unless she is willing to go to therapy, he is not interested in having a relationship with her.
- He told his parents that he will welcome them in his life the moment they are ready to treat him fairly, but that until then he is done with them. This was maybe a month ago, after he had been still hopeful that they might understand, and realized they wouldn't.
- He also decided to move cities and change jobs, which we did 6 months ago. This was the biggest betrayal in the eyes of his family. I was okay with this because I liked the city we were moving to, and I thought it would mean less drama to him (it has seriously improved things for both of us)
About the things he has said, just what you would expect. He tells me he feels really hurt, that his parents are being unfair and that his parents are enabling his sister and preventing her from realizing she needs help (she has serious issues in her marriage too, but her parents are convinced she is blameless).
She will now step up her attacks on you, because she knows they reach you.
I doubt it, but I am ready for it anyway. She abhors confrontation and is very passive aggressive. I am more senior than her at work and I sent her the email with my supervisor's approval, just to get the message across that she will lose her job if she continues. And if she escalates, she will lose her job. At this point I don't care anymore.
posted by ADent at 10:55 AM on December 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
I am not sure what you mean, but I will give it a try. Except for the part with my job, I have been a witness more than an active participant.
- All the background info I have on things that happened before we got married has been relayed by him.
- He stopped interacting with his sister May this year. It was 100% his decision. I said "we" decided, because I made the exact same decision to stop speaking to her at the same time. I made it really clear that his and my decisions were independent, and he assured me he felt no pressure from me.
- The last thing he told his sister was that unless it was an apology to both of us, and unless she is willing to go to therapy, he is not interested in having a relationship with her.
- He told his parents that he will welcome them in his life the moment they are ready to treat him fairly, but that until then he is done with them. This was maybe a month ago, after he had been still hopeful that they might understand, and realized they wouldn't.
- He also decided to move cities and change jobs, which we did 6 months ago. This was the biggest betrayal in the eyes of his family. I was okay with this because I liked the city we were moving to, and I thought it would mean less drama to him (it has seriously improved things for both of us)
About the things he has said, just what you would expect. He tells me he feels really hurt, that his parents are being unfair and that his parents are enabling his sister and preventing her from realizing she needs help (she has serious issues in her marriage too, but her parents are convinced she is blameless).
She will now step up her attacks on you, because she knows they reach you.
I doubt it, but I am ready for it anyway. She abhors confrontation and is very passive aggressive. I am more senior than her at work and I sent her the email with my supervisor's approval, just to get the message across that she will lose her job if she continues. And if she escalates, she will lose her job. At this point I don't care anymore.
posted by ADent at 10:55 AM on December 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Your husband is entitled to do what is necessary for his self-preservation. My husband is in a similar situation to yours except that the difficult relative is his mother. He has had almost no contact with her since he was thirteen. He is now in his forties. His mother gave him an ultimatum on Christmas Eve that she did not want to see him ever again if he did not leave his father's home as had been long planned and spend Christmas with her. This was not the first such ultimatum and so he told her that they would not see each other again.
His maternal grandmother, his two uncles and all other relatives on that side of the family shunned him from that point on for standing up for himself. They called him at first and told him he was wrong for doing that to his mother. He did not back down. He has had minimal contact with the relatives and see his mother only at his place of business because it is a retail store and she happened to see him one day while she was shopping.
I feel much sadder for him than he feels for himself about this but I respect his stance on it. He has told me that he does not need or want the endless dysfunction in his life that his mother would bring. She regularly feuds with his uncles so they don't have much contact from what he can gather from their brief interactions while he is at work.
He had already been in this situation with his mother and her family for ten years by the time we met so he had mostly come to terms with it. He said that thirteen years of her machinations and mental illness was enough. He endured enough as a helpless child in that environment. And he is resolute that he is far better off without the constant agitation and manipulation that his mother would bring not just to him but to both of us.
Like my sweet man, your husband is no longer helpless. He does not need to expose himself to a toxic dynamic that is damaging his mental health. My husband said it was difficult in the early days especially when he was the one told by others that he was "a bad son for abandoning his mother" but he did not relent. He was lucky to have a somewhat more stable situation at his father's house during his teen years. Unfortunately, your husband is shut off from both parents.
The holidays were not easy for my husband when we first met because of the trauma from that Christmas even after ten years. I am sure this is also the case for you and your husband. You can always try to arrange a lunch or dinner at a neutral site during this month with just the parents. Proffer an invitation to see if he can reestablish ties with them without the sister being involved. It is worth trying so that you both know that the attempt was made. Both of you do need to recognize that they may always perpetuate the unhealthy family dynamic because it is all they know.
From my husband's perspective, the earliest days were the toughest but he is certain that he made the right choice for his adulthood by eliminating the major source of the dysfunction in his life. It is heartbreaking that it is a family member causing this for your husband as well as mine. Good luck! Me-mail me if you would like.
posted by narancia at 10:59 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
His maternal grandmother, his two uncles and all other relatives on that side of the family shunned him from that point on for standing up for himself. They called him at first and told him he was wrong for doing that to his mother. He did not back down. He has had minimal contact with the relatives and see his mother only at his place of business because it is a retail store and she happened to see him one day while she was shopping.
I feel much sadder for him than he feels for himself about this but I respect his stance on it. He has told me that he does not need or want the endless dysfunction in his life that his mother would bring. She regularly feuds with his uncles so they don't have much contact from what he can gather from their brief interactions while he is at work.
He had already been in this situation with his mother and her family for ten years by the time we met so he had mostly come to terms with it. He said that thirteen years of her machinations and mental illness was enough. He endured enough as a helpless child in that environment. And he is resolute that he is far better off without the constant agitation and manipulation that his mother would bring not just to him but to both of us.
Like my sweet man, your husband is no longer helpless. He does not need to expose himself to a toxic dynamic that is damaging his mental health. My husband said it was difficult in the early days especially when he was the one told by others that he was "a bad son for abandoning his mother" but he did not relent. He was lucky to have a somewhat more stable situation at his father's house during his teen years. Unfortunately, your husband is shut off from both parents.
The holidays were not easy for my husband when we first met because of the trauma from that Christmas even after ten years. I am sure this is also the case for you and your husband. You can always try to arrange a lunch or dinner at a neutral site during this month with just the parents. Proffer an invitation to see if he can reestablish ties with them without the sister being involved. It is worth trying so that you both know that the attempt was made. Both of you do need to recognize that they may always perpetuate the unhealthy family dynamic because it is all they know.
From my husband's perspective, the earliest days were the toughest but he is certain that he made the right choice for his adulthood by eliminating the major source of the dysfunction in his life. It is heartbreaking that it is a family member causing this for your husband as well as mine. Good luck! Me-mail me if you would like.
posted by narancia at 10:59 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In a support group I learned this was a common tale. The one who holds the truth of the dysfunctional dynamic is blamed for breaking up the family. To the ones I knew who lived it, it was a source of incredible pain.
One thing I will offer is that the only path towards healing is holding on to the truth. I would like to reassure your husband that his narrative is true. And that if speaking the truth causes the family to "break up", then there never was a family to begin with -- only a lie, only the illusion of a family. It may feel like he is being 'cut off' now, but likely the connection he has desperately tried to maintain has just been missing from the start, and it's finally being made clear, with such an obvious message that his well-being comes last. Personally, I think the path towards healing goes through acknowledging this. Not focusing on the incident that caused them to "cut him off" at the moment, but recognizing the truth that they have been doing that all along for his entire life.
Speaking from experience this is a big pain, healing from which is a major life project. I would suggest to your husband that he need not try to stay strong and cheerful. If there is ever a time to feel sad, or angry, or whatever, this is it.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:08 AM on December 9, 2015 [31 favorites]
One thing I will offer is that the only path towards healing is holding on to the truth. I would like to reassure your husband that his narrative is true. And that if speaking the truth causes the family to "break up", then there never was a family to begin with -- only a lie, only the illusion of a family. It may feel like he is being 'cut off' now, but likely the connection he has desperately tried to maintain has just been missing from the start, and it's finally being made clear, with such an obvious message that his well-being comes last. Personally, I think the path towards healing goes through acknowledging this. Not focusing on the incident that caused them to "cut him off" at the moment, but recognizing the truth that they have been doing that all along for his entire life.
Speaking from experience this is a big pain, healing from which is a major life project. I would suggest to your husband that he need not try to stay strong and cheerful. If there is ever a time to feel sad, or angry, or whatever, this is it.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:08 AM on December 9, 2015 [31 favorites]
Mod note: This is an answer from an anonymous commenter.
I handled it by marrying someone whose career took us elsewhere. I informed the spouse that I did not want to live within 1000 miles of my relatives and them moving us back home was grounds for divorce. I visited. I called. I sent Christmas cards. I arranged my life such that almost no one was willing to visit me and there were substantial limits on the ridiculous expectations they could place on me. For example, being at least 1000 miles away meant no one was going to harangue me to come home for every three day weekend.posted by cortex (staff) at 11:14 AM on December 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
As more and more relatives mostly stopped speaking to me, I mostly let them get away with their bullshit assertions that they were merely "busy" or whatever excuse they preferred. It made it easier to make my own assertions that life was merely getting in the way.
I hear from a couple of relatives once in a while. They have stopped being blatantly asshole-ish to me. Our contact is brief, infrequent and civil. They have grown warmer in the last year or so.
My life is relatively drama free.
Best answer: If his parents want to have a relationship with him, they are fully able to speak and act civilly. He should set some boundaries for himself: I will not argue with them or defend myself. If the conversation turns negative, I will say I need to end it because of the criticism, and hang up. I will speak calmly but be firm about not participating in family drama and conflict. The parents will hate this, but they won't be able to wear him down. Eventually, if they want more contact, they will start treating him more fairly.
It can be very hard to be firm with bad parents. They trained him to do whatever it takes to keep things calm in the family; it's not easy to change one's outlook overnight. And it's very hard to keep standing up to them. But this method will work in that he will be free of the nagging and negativity. They might even decide to treat him differently at some point. If the parents' approval was largely based on his willingness to appease them and his sister, it could be that their love is contingent on that "helpfulness." If so, he'll figure out that he's never going to be able to please them if he does the right thing for himself. This knowledge hurts.
posted by wryly at 11:32 AM on December 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
It can be very hard to be firm with bad parents. They trained him to do whatever it takes to keep things calm in the family; it's not easy to change one's outlook overnight. And it's very hard to keep standing up to them. But this method will work in that he will be free of the nagging and negativity. They might even decide to treat him differently at some point. If the parents' approval was largely based on his willingness to appease them and his sister, it could be that their love is contingent on that "helpfulness." If so, he'll figure out that he's never going to be able to please them if he does the right thing for himself. This knowledge hurts.
posted by wryly at 11:32 AM on December 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Having your husband in their lives is a privilege, and they're not meeting baseline standards of respect which have been very clearly outlined. He's changing a lifelong pattern and it is very very stressful. Of course he's agonizing over something so drastic, that's an artifact of the priorities instilled in him by these same people!
Ultimately, setting these very reasonable boundaries is how you establish your own marriage-family as a healthy, serene, peaceful sanctuary home like it's supposed to be.
He's heartbroken because he asked them to show their true colors, and they are doing so. It's worth mourning, and that deep disappointment will take some time. But he is very much on the right path with regards to these people - they're living like hostages to his sister.
Life without recreational tumult and histrionics is so lovely. Hug each other and hang in there, it's worth it.
posted by Lou Stuells at 12:30 PM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ultimately, setting these very reasonable boundaries is how you establish your own marriage-family as a healthy, serene, peaceful sanctuary home like it's supposed to be.
He's heartbroken because he asked them to show their true colors, and they are doing so. It's worth mourning, and that deep disappointment will take some time. But he is very much on the right path with regards to these people - they're living like hostages to his sister.
Life without recreational tumult and histrionics is so lovely. Hug each other and hang in there, it's worth it.
posted by Lou Stuells at 12:30 PM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I dealt with it by living the best life I knew how and being as kind as I could be. I never had the most interesting life in the world, but what I have is mine and I share with anyone who's deserving.
I was angry for a long time, and I wondered what I needed to do about it. One day I realized I was angry because people had acted shitty toward me and then tried to dump it all on me. So, yes, I take responsibility for my own actions, and I've apologized where appropriate, and I've forgiven them as much as I can. Which brings us to today, and I don't have relationships with people who continue to act shitty toward me.
In your husband's situation, I would frequently remind myself that these people are choosing to act this way, and by doing so, they don't get to be a part of my life.
posted by disconnect at 1:23 PM on December 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
I was angry for a long time, and I wondered what I needed to do about it. One day I realized I was angry because people had acted shitty toward me and then tried to dump it all on me. So, yes, I take responsibility for my own actions, and I've apologized where appropriate, and I've forgiven them as much as I can. Which brings us to today, and I don't have relationships with people who continue to act shitty toward me.
In your husband's situation, I would frequently remind myself that these people are choosing to act this way, and by doing so, they don't get to be a part of my life.
posted by disconnect at 1:23 PM on December 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
If I can share some wisdom from a similar situation: when I got together with my husband, he was dealing with the death of his mom, who had dealt with alcoholism for a long time. He found the principles of Al-Anon (for people who are close to someone with addiction) very helpful, and he shared them with me as he discussed them.
In turn, I found those principles very helpful for dealing with my own family dynamic, even though addiction wasn't a factor. The constantly shifting standards, the outlandish behavior to justify what my mom was doing, the seeming ignorance of having done awful things at other people's expense... and my own behavior trying to fit into someone else's sick system. All of those were much easier to understand once I saw them through the lens of addiction (to drama? Who knows).
Consider looking at some of those principles. I think I even considered going to an Al-Anon meeting, even though -- as I said -- substances weren't part of my situation. You might learn some good techniques for building boundaries and sticking to them, whether or not there are certain aspects of family life that you'd like to preserve in the long run.
Good luck. It's a hard road, but it's worth it.
posted by St. Hubbins at 1:51 PM on December 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
In turn, I found those principles very helpful for dealing with my own family dynamic, even though addiction wasn't a factor. The constantly shifting standards, the outlandish behavior to justify what my mom was doing, the seeming ignorance of having done awful things at other people's expense... and my own behavior trying to fit into someone else's sick system. All of those were much easier to understand once I saw them through the lens of addiction (to drama? Who knows).
Consider looking at some of those principles. I think I even considered going to an Al-Anon meeting, even though -- as I said -- substances weren't part of my situation. You might learn some good techniques for building boundaries and sticking to them, whether or not there are certain aspects of family life that you'd like to preserve in the long run.
Good luck. It's a hard road, but it's worth it.
posted by St. Hubbins at 1:51 PM on December 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
First of all, yay for you guys for setting boundaries! It is hard to do. And I think a lot of the time the even harder thing to do is to accept that setting boundaries doesn't automatically make things right and that people will not accept the boundaries we set. (After all, if they did, we wouldn't need boundaries in the first place...)
So yes, this really is grief. You are right to call it so--and I think, like all grief, you have to go through the stages of grief and there's no real circumventing that process, which sucks, but it is what it is. Ultimately, because you cannot change your in-laws' thoughts or actions, your goal at this time should be getting to acceptance--acceptance that things are the way they are, unfair as they are. I know meditation is cheesy, but it helps. Acceptance is a Buddhist principle, and I believe meditative practice that focuses on acceptance may particularly be of comfort to the two of you here.
posted by capricorn at 2:41 PM on December 9, 2015
So yes, this really is grief. You are right to call it so--and I think, like all grief, you have to go through the stages of grief and there's no real circumventing that process, which sucks, but it is what it is. Ultimately, because you cannot change your in-laws' thoughts or actions, your goal at this time should be getting to acceptance--acceptance that things are the way they are, unfair as they are. I know meditation is cheesy, but it helps. Acceptance is a Buddhist principle, and I believe meditative practice that focuses on acceptance may particularly be of comfort to the two of you here.
posted by capricorn at 2:41 PM on December 9, 2015
Good for you! You've done everything you need to do for now- just keep disengaged- resist all attempts by his sister to keep anything going. Ignore her completely. It does take time to reap the rewards and get used to the lack of stress. I think it was about 4 years before family members stopped trying to get me to relent and rejoin their little circus. I never did, and am much happier for it.
TLDR: It takes time, and gets better all the time.
posted by TenaciousB at 3:00 PM on December 9, 2015
TLDR: It takes time, and gets better all the time.
posted by TenaciousB at 3:00 PM on December 9, 2015
Best answer: Good for you! You've done everything you need to do for now- just keep disengaged- resist all attempts by his sister to keep anything going.
Yes!
I have a SO who has a child with a woman I consider mentally unbalanced. She was overly controlling in a bunch of ways and they were still "entangled" (thought had not been dating or intimate for a decade) when I met him. When he finally disentangled, she acted like they were breaking up and went through the sort of "death throes" thing that a lot of people who escape dysfunction talk about, a last gasp attempt to lure you back into their petty fights and blame and escalation and drama. And I won't lie, it was really hard for us for a long time. She had a lot of free-range anger directed at me (via him, I did not deal with it personally) and would sort of "sic" other family members on him and I via social media and just generally be terrible to him basically controlling him through guilting him about what was better for the kid (which also incidentally helped support her over and above the legal arrangements they had worked out).
Cut to the future, the kid is an adult, dealing with some of his own mental illness, living with his dad and his mom has moved to Puerto Rico to live with her mom because she ran out of people to control and badger into supporting her. She doesn't send us crzed email almost at all anymore. I sound sort of crabby but I think she's had a really hard go of it and would not have chosen this life so I have some empathy for her but also for the stuff we dealt with. AND the deal was really just consistency
- disengage, always
- lower the heated tone, always (even if they are wrong, even if they are lying, even if they are threatening)
- do not respond if they are being inappropriate (especially email or texts, literally just act like you never got them)
- indicate that you are done responding if they become inappropriate in the course of otherwise reasonable interactions
- have a low to no drama way of explaining this to other people who might be tangentially involved briefly and then change the subject, Often people will try to engage you by proxy, do not do this (my mom who was her own piece of work would literally get other people to hassle me about why I was "so mean" to her about things which were largely fabricated, no good comes of having those discussions with near strangers)
- don't draw it out with each other. Support each other with this but don't spend more time with them colonizing your mind than you have to. You should like you're doing okay at this. congrats, that is hard.
The sister in this case may not have a relationship with you that is salvageable but the other family members might. Live your life. Allow them space in your life if they deserve it and if they are respectful to you and your boundaries. Remember you are your own family now and you are on TEAM US which is the most important team. Best of luck, it's hard but it usually winds down.
posted by jessamyn at 6:13 PM on December 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Yes!
I have a SO who has a child with a woman I consider mentally unbalanced. She was overly controlling in a bunch of ways and they were still "entangled" (thought had not been dating or intimate for a decade) when I met him. When he finally disentangled, she acted like they were breaking up and went through the sort of "death throes" thing that a lot of people who escape dysfunction talk about, a last gasp attempt to lure you back into their petty fights and blame and escalation and drama. And I won't lie, it was really hard for us for a long time. She had a lot of free-range anger directed at me (via him, I did not deal with it personally) and would sort of "sic" other family members on him and I via social media and just generally be terrible to him basically controlling him through guilting him about what was better for the kid (which also incidentally helped support her over and above the legal arrangements they had worked out).
Cut to the future, the kid is an adult, dealing with some of his own mental illness, living with his dad and his mom has moved to Puerto Rico to live with her mom because she ran out of people to control and badger into supporting her. She doesn't send us crzed email almost at all anymore. I sound sort of crabby but I think she's had a really hard go of it and would not have chosen this life so I have some empathy for her but also for the stuff we dealt with. AND the deal was really just consistency
- disengage, always
- lower the heated tone, always (even if they are wrong, even if they are lying, even if they are threatening)
- do not respond if they are being inappropriate (especially email or texts, literally just act like you never got them)
- indicate that you are done responding if they become inappropriate in the course of otherwise reasonable interactions
- have a low to no drama way of explaining this to other people who might be tangentially involved briefly and then change the subject, Often people will try to engage you by proxy, do not do this (my mom who was her own piece of work would literally get other people to hassle me about why I was "so mean" to her about things which were largely fabricated, no good comes of having those discussions with near strangers)
- don't draw it out with each other. Support each other with this but don't spend more time with them colonizing your mind than you have to. You should like you're doing okay at this. congrats, that is hard.
The sister in this case may not have a relationship with you that is salvageable but the other family members might. Live your life. Allow them space in your life if they deserve it and if they are respectful to you and your boundaries. Remember you are your own family now and you are on TEAM US which is the most important team. Best of luck, it's hard but it usually winds down.
posted by jessamyn at 6:13 PM on December 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: He stopped interacting with his sister May this year ... He told his parents that he will welcome them in his life the moment they are ready to treat him fairly, but that until then he is done with them. This was maybe a month ago
That's not very long ago. Things are going to feel pretty rough and raw for a while yet. Grieving is just a slow process.
He tells me he feels really hurt, that his parents are being unfair and that his parents are enabling his sister and preventing her from realizing she needs help (she has serious issues in her marriage too, but her parents are convinced she is blameless).
On a rational level he already knows that this is no longer his problem to try to solve; that's presumably why he cut contact. It's just going to take time for that knowledge to seep through to the emotional level as well.
You've already made all the changes you need to. All the rest of what has to happen is being kind to each other and hanging in there while you wait for them to take effect.
posted by flabdablet at 5:48 AM on December 10, 2015
That's not very long ago. Things are going to feel pretty rough and raw for a while yet. Grieving is just a slow process.
He tells me he feels really hurt, that his parents are being unfair and that his parents are enabling his sister and preventing her from realizing she needs help (she has serious issues in her marriage too, but her parents are convinced she is blameless).
On a rational level he already knows that this is no longer his problem to try to solve; that's presumably why he cut contact. It's just going to take time for that knowledge to seep through to the emotional level as well.
You've already made all the changes you need to. All the rest of what has to happen is being kind to each other and hanging in there while you wait for them to take effect.
posted by flabdablet at 5:48 AM on December 10, 2015
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Again, talk only to complicit parents about, yours and yourself. No cross discussions about any other family member's dynamic. Helpful statements.
Happy holidays, we so enjoy this time of year.
We can't get involved with this dynamic and enjoy family.
Person X is actually the one responsible for how she feels.
Oh I have a work call coming in.
Screen calls, don't read or reply to messages from person X.
Do not recognise messages or calls about person X.
Forward derogatory emails from person X to parents and especially work emails that may disrupt your family financially.
Do not interact with emotional blackmailers.
If you have to, forward the work emails to her bosses.
posted by Oyéah at 10:26 AM on December 9, 2015 [4 favorites]