Is there a middle way in dealing with a toxic situation?

September 18, 2023 5:40 PM

I want to know if things we hear on MetaFilter and other psychological spaces such as: doing the Gray Rock method, cutting off ties with abusers, labeling one's self a child of emotional immature parents, all basic domestic violence literature in the west, narcissistic parents, etc. What does this look like through a multicultural lens? What do these things look like through a non-western lens? Are there matriarchal ways and other cultural ways to deal with abuse?

I have a scheduled intake for a new therapist soon. Old therapist no longer takes insurance and we were at a good end point (need someone who can offer different modalities and has some cultural competency).

In the meantime, I need a bit of help before then.
According to how western society defines emotional abuse or a toxic family system, I am currently in a toxic situation. At the same time, I acknowledge that over time, I have found things like CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, may not have been the best answer for treatment because it does not take into account any systems issues such as: capitalism, racism, sexism, white supremacy, the patriarchy, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.

If I dig deep into my roots, I might find something there that will help me endure, but I've been so indoctrinated into this western lens of: get out, stop contact, etc. When quite frankly I do not have the financial means to get out right away.

I'm not excusing any of the behavior. I just wonder if there's a smarter way for me to endure this shit. Right now, I'm avoiding toxic people in the household as much as I can but I rely on them for things, too.

As an example, reading the book, Untigering by Iris Chen helped explain a lot of things that western therapy could not because it was written through a cultural lens by someone who has experienced upbringing like mine.

Any resources or books that are similar but focus on emotional and abuse in multi generational family systems?

posted by AnyUsernameWillDo to Human Relations (6 answers total)

Response by poster: Because I mentioned "middle way" which comes from Buddhist thought, I want to add that this was a cultural way for me to endure emotional abuse by an ex partner. But at the same time, it feels like I was gaslighting myself. Or it was spiritual bypassing. Just a caveat that, it's not that I don't want to deal with a situation. I don't want to meditate through it per se. I hope this added context makes sense.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 5:48 PM on September 18, 2023

I think I understand what you're getting at, that you want to treat your abusers with more empathy and compassion than to simply label them as "narcissists" and cut contact (even if it's just emotional contact)? While still protecting and nurturing yourself?

Yes, that's possible, imo. But not if you are being abused right now. There is no 'middle way' in the presence of abuse. No kindness possible, no tolerance allowed, only survival must be your focus. The survival of your inner self and the survival of your psyche, if the abuse is emotional. This is a nearly impossible task in the presence of abuse, so stop focusing on anything else. Train all your efforts on protecting yourself. You don't have to feel vindictive or hateful towards them, in fact, forget about them as much as you can. Focus on yourself. Hold yourself gently. Nurture and protect yourself. Survive this.

Someday you will get out, and someday you will not be abused anymore. THEN you can try the 'middle way' instead of cutting contact.

I will say this: often, adult survivors of abuse tend to *feel* we are still being abused even though the power imbalance that made the abuse possible no longer exists, and thus abuse no longer exists. It is possible for family members to treat us abusively while we are still under their thumb (or worse, their roof) but once we are no longer under their thumb, the same treatment that used to qualify as abusive becomes "merely" cruel, triggering, hurtful, mean, disrespectful, etc. instead. Abuse cannot exist without a power imbalance. If you're not under their thumb in some way, then you aren't being abused (even though it may feel exactly as bad as abuse).

And under these circumstances, when we are no longer being abused by these cruel, triggering, mean, hurtful, disrespectful people, it IS possible to embark on the 'middle way'.

For me the middle way looks like: starting from the position of feeling fully secure in myself and my own autonomy. Reminding myself that there is no way they can abuse me anymore because I am not under their thumb anymore. That I now have the power to be my own protector and I can count on myself. This gives me a feeling of calm. It removes the feeling that I am in danger. That helps me deal calmly with my former abusers, even when they get up to their old shenanigans.

For me the 'middle way' looks like: treating former abusers like toddlers: firmly, respectfully, calmly, and with ironclad boundaries that are communicated clearly & enforced with love.

It looks like: when they say something mean, telling them, "Wow, that was mean," in a neutral and noncombative tone, and then sticking to, "Well, I'm not arguing about this," (because they are toddlers and nobody argues with a toddler). I speak my truth so that I don't build up resentment which would poison our relationship. I speak the truth in a gentle tone like saying, "oh, look, you did an oopsie," in an effort to not trigger feelings of shame and defensiveness in them, which is NEVER productive and generally causes them to have a tantrum. (They may be triggered anyway but at least I'm trying.)

It looks like: turning boundary-enforcement into a three step process -
Step 1: Make your request without getting their hackles up. (Remember, they are toddlers, you're making common-sense efforts not to trigger a tantrum.) "Ma, stop asking when I'll get married, or I swear I'll marry the dog, I read about a woman who did that just to shut her mom up!"
Step 2: Enforce your boundaries with cheerful, loving firmness. "Whoa, no marriage talk for me, I'm outta here. See you next week! Love ya! Make sure you water the roses extra this week. Bye!"
Step 3: Check in with them to ask how your boundary enforcement felt for them. "Hey, so I had to leave today because your marriage talk was bumming me out so much. Just wanted to check in and make sure everything's cool. Are we okay?" You give them a chance to say their piece, and make sympathetic noises, but you don't budge an inch. "Yeah, mhm, I hate conflict too. Aww, I love you too. Well, I'm glad we're having an argument. It feels good that you understand my side of it (say this even if it's blatantly false). See you next week!"

It looks like: *internally* (i.e. within your own mind) forgiving your abusers because you have a deep understanding of their limitations and capacities, and also at the same time holding the same empathy and endless compassion & softness for yourself. IDK maybe you can be open about this forgiveness with them too but I personally prefer to keep it to myself!

But most importantly of all, and FIRST of all, the middle way looks like: making for yourself an intentional, regular safe space of some kind (art? therapy? a meditation practice? journaling? support group?) taking plennnnnnnnnty of time for all your unfinished anger, resentment, hating, lashing out, grieving, wailing, berating, screaming, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, more anger, and healing. Yes, you can do it on your own. No, you do not need your abusers to participate, not even to just provide the answers you so desperately wish for. This is between you and you, and you can put in the effort -- if you want.

It took me *years*. Four years, give or take, of weekly therapy - plus journaling plus writing plus insane amounts of reading - that much time and that much money and that much effort before I could spend a couple of weeks of vacation time with my abusers feeling 90% caring and 10% exasperation towards them (because they are exactly like toddlers to me now!), instead of the 90% seething resentment and 10% explosive anger that was my norm with them 5 years ago.

I don't let my abusers get away with even a single iota of bullshit, not because I'm vindictive and I'm watching them closely to pounce on them for making a mistake, but because not taking their bullshit is necessary to safeguard my relationship with them. I can't allow resentment to build up. They are toddlers, they don't know shit. It's on me to make sure I keep cleansing the detritus they throw between us, so that we can remain on these hard won good terms.

I like this space. There is so much room here for laughter and relaxed hanging out, something that has never been possible for us together. It's my proudest achievement in life so far, which feels weird to say because I'm a mom to two wonderful kids - but damn, being a mom, as insanely hard as it was, was less punishing and less optional than rebuilding good relationships with my abusers. But I did it anyway. I hit it out of the ballpark. Feels good, man.
posted by MiraK at 8:07 PM on September 18, 2023 [52 favorites]

I think lived experience is really important for this, meaning, I would seek out perspectives from others with the same or similar background (ethnicity, immigrant generation if applicable, and maybe social class if you think that is relevant). I know that others in my sort of location (first generation immigrant to North America, Eastern European, gen x) have a shared understanding that maybe people in even a slightly different place (eg as above, but millennial) might not get as completely. Talking = sharing survival adaptations that make sense to people in that location, and maybe not quite as much to others.

Because historical factors (eg political and economic contexts) change, the problems parents and children faced may differ, parenting styles change, same with acculturation pressures and opportunities, social norms around coping etc, too. For example, people from a given country who leave because of war will definitely have different perspectives and coping mechanisms than people leaving that same country for economic or personal reasons even just a half decade before or afterwards.

I really think peer support will help a lot. Perhaps there are relevant communities on Reddit? As far as choosing a therapist, if you can find someone with a similar location to yours, I think that would be optimal.

As far as responding to abuse when you still need help from the abusers, generally I would say, fill your cup elsewhere as much as possible. Invest as much energy as possible in friendships, work, hobbies and other vehicles of relating and accomplishment. Do what you need to to get by, play the game, but only superficially. Keep yourself safe above all, and trust your instincts on what that means. (Again peers I think can be so helpful here, when it comes to being tactical.)

An example - in my family’s country of origin for most of the last century, where people were largely broke and divorce was extremely rare and frowned upon, women of my grandmother and even mother’s generation more or less stayed away from their husbands except when it came to practical household tasks and reproduction. Their entire social world other than that took place among other women. They would laugh at their husbands behind their backs, offer an even sarcastic deference to their face, and refuse to take offence at any bullshit that came their way. (This is really a sort of last line of defence that involves a belief that there’s no chance of change, obviously. But, it was enough to help them cope.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:18 PM on September 18, 2023 [10 favorites]

You might appreciate Stephanie Foo's "What My Bones Know", which is a memoir about her work to heal CPTSD after enduring significant childhood abuse and includes quite a bit of reflection, discussion, and research about how her experience was shaped by elements of Asian immigrant culture (in her case, Malaysian) and generational trauma -- although, and I think I can say this without it being a spoiler, she does ultimately choose to cease contact.

I think it's really important to be in therapy with someone who understands your cultural context or is at least in the ballpark, both because it's exhausting to have to explain fundamentals to someone who doesn't really get it and because if you know they don't, it can be a barrier to processing their suggestions. (I'm white and speaking from my experience working with cishet therapists as a queer trans person). I just want to name that this can be really hard to come by, and I hope your counselor ends up feeling like a good fit and that you feel empowered to find someone else if the first one isn't.

Take any of the rest of this with a grain of salt considering that it departs somewhat from the framing of your question, but: I also think you're probably asking the wrong question, which your added context points to you knowing is a possibility. When I went to therapy for the first time in 2014, the therapist asked in the intake session why I was there. I told her I 'needed help coping with a bad marriage.' And that's where I was at the time, and the therapist did not tell me I was wrong for having that goal, but therapy did over time help me realize that 'how can I be more at peace with this shitty situation that's actively bad for me' was.. not it. I couldn't get out at the time either, but I did gain tools and perspective about what my responsibilities were and weren't, what I didn't and did deserve, and why I was engaging the situation in certain ways (including what I learned from my interactions with my own abusive and neglectful family of origin). It's a reasonable goal, while you are where you are, to focus on finding ways to cope, maintain your sense of self and what's okay vs. not okay, and minimize damage as you work towards finding a safer living situation. But you cannot sustain those repeated blows to your emotional self without being affected by them. Intellectual understanding that someone is messed up and saying/doing messed up things is not an actual shield for the tender parts of your humanity. You deserve safety. I don't think you have to make any decisions about what your long-term relationships with your family look like right now, but I do think this is a 'put on your oxygen mask first' situation. Best of luck.
posted by wormtales at 7:07 AM on September 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

Once again, my phone is eavesdropping on me because this popped up on YouTube. https://youtu.be/k2oDeOmNqbA?si=7dzwgJWHdYUXgXfg it speaks to what MiraK talks about too.
posted by foxjacket at 5:29 PM on September 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

I found the book Stop Walking on Eggshells to be useful in the Take what works for you sense. I started setting boundaries and trying to do it calmly and without anger. It's so much work, but had some good effect. It was important to me to be non-violent as much as possible. Yes, there aer definite cultural differences, and some of those differences offer benefits, too.
posted by theora55 at 2:13 PM on September 27, 2023 [1 favorite]