I can’t believe I have to ask this age-old question, but…is he interested or am I spending time thinking about him/this situation for nothing?
posted by superfille to human relations (33 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
This is a long story, but I’ll try to keep it as simple and brief as possible. So, I met a guy while on a business trip (we live on opposite sides of the US at this point). We are in connected lines of work and our businesses do have a partnership, however, our positions in our respective workplaces do not require us to work together or interact in any way and we live far away from one another.
I didn’t really notice this guy until a party that occurred during this trip. After I danced with others a bit, he asked me to dance… and then kept asking me (despite the fact that he had little skills in the dance department :) ). At the end of the night, some colleagues/friends of mine planned to go out, so I said he was welcome to come along. He couldn’t come right away since he had to wrap up some business, but asked for my number so he could call when he was done and meet us.
I end up getting a migraine that night, so when he called, I was on my way back to the hotel to get some sleep. He asked repeatedly if I couldn’t just meet him for a minute or two at the hotel bar and I said no. The next day he left, but surprisingly, he continued to contact me via phone and text. I start to get a bit interested. Then 3 weeks later, he announces he is coming to my city on business and asks if I want to get together.
During his visit, I learn he’s a workaholic… or at least, he’s very much in demand at his job and very devoted to doing a good job since he is ambitious, smart, and dedicated. For me, this is very attractive, but it’s a double-edged sword. The first night we are supposed to get together, he cancels because he ends up having to take a client to dinner. The second night, I’m set to meet him and get a call that his boss (who incidentally, IS someone I have to deal with regularly for my job) has asked him to join some colleagues and special clients for dinner. Instead of bowing out, he asks if I will join him at this dinner. I decide to go, but inevitably, I spend 90% of the night caught in conversation with the boss about work-related issues and don’t really talk with him.
After this incident, communication with guy slows down. But, randomly I hear that he is moving to his company’s German office (he is German, but had been in the US for 2 years), so I drop him a line saying I heard the news and I wish him the best. This prompts new correspondence from him. A few weeks (and texts) later, he announces he’s coming back into town for work, so would I be willing to take him on a tour of my city and then go out for drinks/dinner. I find out later that he’s purposely flown in two days early and he’s staying at a different hotel than his colleagues are so we can get together without the “risk” of being interrupted by work like the last time.
The day of our planned meet-up, we end up spending about 10 hours together and have a ton of fun. We have so much in common, think similarly, have similar senses of humor, and never run out of things to talk about. Throughout the day, he insists on paying for everything and in the 8th hour of our day together, he asked me if I he can take me to dinner a few nights later at this nice restaurant he checked out. It also seems like we’re flirting as the day goes on. The evening ends at his hotel bar. After a drink, I decide to leave; he walks me to my car… but he only hugs me goodbye. Yes, there were people around at the time, but it still left me a little confused. Anyway, by the time I get home that night, he’s texted to say he had a great time and is excited to see me again for dinner.
Ok, so two nights later, he has to bow out of our planned dinner for work reasons. I’m completely annoyed. Also confused. Before he leaves town, we talk and he tells me how sorry he is and that he plans to come back in Oct for work and hopes he can make it up to me then. Of note- he is moving back to Germany five weeks from this point.
We talk a few times after that in between some crazy work schedules on both sides and a trip to Australia on his end (note- we Skype while he is on this trip). Two weeks later, he calls to say, "Surprise!" he’s unexpectedly coming back to my city for a cocktail party being held by one of his company’s partners. He wants to know if I will go with him and then go out for dinner and drinks afterwards. This time, we actually do meet up and I definitely feel a surprising level of comfort with him right away. During our car ride, I ask him about how things are going with packing and the impending move and he starts talking about how he’s starting to regret the move, keeps emphasizing that he’ll be back in the U.S. a lot, and that he could move back at any point because he still owns his house in the States. At one point, he also talks about how his parents are harassing him about not settling down and having a family yet, so I say, “I bet they are excited to have you back, so they can set you up with an eligible German woman” and all of a sudden, he gets really quiet. In addition, I mention that I may go on a 3 month overseas assignment through my company and he perks up and wants to know right away is Germany is one of the locations I could go to. Also of note- he was extremely clear that he is still coming back to my city in Oct and that he is coming so we can spend the entire weekend hanging out. Apparently he has back- to- back work assignments in the U.S. - neither assignment is in my city or close to my city. However, he plans to fly in and out or my city during the weekend between these two assignments just to hang out with me.
Anyway, that night we go to the cocktail party, but after 45 mins, he wants to leave. OK… so he flew across country for work and only spends 45 mins at the work event? So, we leave, go to dinner then to drinks, have a great time, and flirt quite a bit. Strangely though, on the way back to his hotel, he started to get really quiet. Then we pull up to his hotel, talk for a bit, I lean in for the hug. He hugs back...and nothing else.
Again, I go home and have a text message waiting for me already about how he had a great time, etc. The next night, I send him a friendly text saying I hope he got home alright, etc. He writes back right away saying, he’s been thinking about me and glad I wrote, reiterates that he had a great time, teases me about some things from the night before, etc.
After that, we talked a few more times- nothing too extensive. But once he moved, things started to dry up. In the limited communications I have received he stated that the move back was a bit more hectic in terms of all the things he was required to do to set up residency and then his company was acquired, so there were a lot of changes and things to do. In addition, he’s still doing a lot of international travel. Bottom line is, I’ve sent him 2 emails, but I’ve barely heard from him. His first email (in response to my first email) was fairly short and just said that things were absolutely insanely busy, but he would call me in a couple of days. He didn’t. Then I went out of the country for business for awhile. While I was gone, I sent him another email. I don’t hear from him for a week and half, so I decide this is so over. But then he calls me (of course, I miss the call, but get the vm). I call him back a couple of days later and then a few days after that, he texts saying he’s on another international trip for work (this is on a weekend), it’s really late and he has to give a speech in the morning, things are still really hectic and he wants to tell me the full story, so when can he call me during the week. I tell him that it’s pretty difficult to call during the week given the time difference, but give him some not-great options.
At this point, I assume he is not interested in me. If he was, he wouldn’t have made other plans to see me on nights he cancelled, and he would be calling or emailing me, even if things were hectic. He also would have kissed me. However, a few things give me pause:
1) Culturally, German men are not used to making first moves, apparently. Guys wait for women to be explicit about their interest. A quick internet search yields quite a bit of discussions about this, and I have also heard this from a friend who is living there. Unfortunately, I am very shy when it comes to dating (although very outgoing in every other situation) so being explicit about my feelings is pretty difficult.
2) The times we went out really felt like dates, honestly. However, there was no “action,” which is why I’m confused.
3) He’s still flying here this month for a whole weekend to hang out with me? I mean, honestly, it’s not like we are old friends or best friends at this point. It just seems odd, but then maybe he’s just trying to find a way to make his work trips more fun and less devoid of social interaction.
I’ve spent way too much time mulling this over and, due to a fragile heart from previous experiences, I’m pretty reluctant to make a move. I just can’t deal with any more rejection. Should I just try to cut my feelings off now or is there a chance he’s actually interested in being more than a friend?
P.S. I’m sure some people may be wondering why I would want to start a long distance deal with someone who just moved out of the country. While not ideal, this guy and I both have jobs that require a lot of international travel. Because of this, I have started to see the world differently (as in, the world seems smaller, any flight under 12 hours is not that big of a deal, and I have plenty of frequent flier miles to go to far flung places at will. Also, both of our jobs are likely to take us to places close to where the other lives). Plus, I’ve never interacted with a guy that I had such a fun, easy, effortless time with that was also smart, interesting, and attractive. And then there are the butterflies...So, if there is any possibility this could be something, I would like to pursue it.
P.P.S. He is straight- or at least, he has mentioned past girlfriends.