Tips for a woman negotiating with a sexist man

September 1, 2023 2:50 PM

I'm going into a negotiation today with a man who's pretty sexist and threatened by strong women. I'm a strong woman, and a lawyer, with lots of negotiation experience, but usually with people who are (at least less overtly) sexist. What tactics should I use with him?

I'm not trying to cure sexism; I'm trying to get a contract negotiation resolved with a man I'll be working closely with for the next several months.

Tips? What to wear, how to speak, what tone to take, whether to do a lot of asking/talking/listening? Whether/when to lay down the law? To be evidence based? To flirt? (Kidding on that last one.)

Any advice you have, I'll consider it. Experiences are most valuable to me, i.e., what you did and how it turned out. Advice from sexists particularly welcome ;)

posted by Capri to Human Relations (21 answers total)

This is a "wow" amount of my daily life. I play dumb and make a kind of big gracious deal of giving the shit I was gonna give anyway. Wait until usually the end to bring up some small little bits I HAVE to because of corporate rules and it will take soooo long internally to override, so sorry, hope they can just accept this Itty bitty markups to close the negotiations.
posted by atomicstone at 2:54 PM on September 1, 2023 [10 favorites]

Also, if counterpart really does work for a large organization and says crazy shit (the "mildest" I've reported is "open the kimono" language), you can and probably should be reporting somewhere to their internal structure. My company ethics charter requires it.
posted by atomicstone at 2:56 PM on September 1, 2023

Position yourself as "not like other women". Then he can come to respect you without having his world view threatened.

This can be communicated through many of the areas you mentioned: clothing, language, tone. A good one is hobbies/outside interest. If you like race cars or something, that could help.
posted by amtho at 3:02 PM on September 1, 2023 [13 favorites]

If he appears to be saying sexist things to bait you, don't even hear them.
posted by praemunire at 3:20 PM on September 1, 2023 [11 favorites]

let him explain some shit to you (ideally not anything mission critical) if he is one of those types.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:45 PM on September 1, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best option is to bring a man with you and have that man repeat everything you say.

You can also play around with having men that aren’t in the room influencing the negotiation. One time I was about to walk away from buying a bicycle because I said I had to check with my husband. The seller came back with a better deal if I stayed in. I think you could adapt this strategy to business, using a male senior executive as a foil.

Another tactic is to dress ultra femme, lower your neckline, tallen your heels, and distract the man into agreement.

I don’t know how far apart you are in your negotiating positions. If your positions are pretty close, you should be able lead the man into your position using somewhat of the Socratic method. You want the agreement to sound like it is all his idea, when in fact it is yours.
posted by shock muppet at 4:09 PM on September 1, 2023 [3 favorites]

I think the classic move is to propose that you get, like, 350% more of whatever you're negotiating so he can feel good about whittling you down.
posted by cocoagirl at 4:10 PM on September 1, 2023 [3 favorites]

I would say, be professional. As someone said above, don't hear any of their shit.

The fact that you have to work closely, means you need to establish your rules, now. And don't give in.
posted by Windopaene at 4:14 PM on September 1, 2023 [11 favorites]

He is the one with the contract?

I think you can go one of two ways, but not both. Either you dress very femme, pretend to hang onto his every word, etc. or you wear pants and a blazer in neutral colors with your hair up. In my experience with sexist dbags, I have to pick a lane and remember I’m not there to challenge gender norms.

You can start sentences with “You’re right that…” and it doesn’t always matter if you transition smoothly to the counter argument. A lot of phrases like that work well; sound like you agree even if you don’t. Another phrase I like to use is “Are you open to…” Nobody likes admitting they’re closed to anything. With anyone, I like to observe their values and then speak to those.

Those work well regardless.

If you choose to play in his stereotypes , you can pretend to get emotional about something and see if he comforts you and gives a little in the process.
posted by mermaidcafe at 4:32 PM on September 1, 2023 [15 favorites]

Crush him. Use that stereotype tax to get up inside his brain. If he turns his critical thinking off to operate purely on stereotypes and sexism, serves him right.
posted by fiercekitten at 5:01 PM on September 1, 2023 [9 favorites]

Since you're going to have to work with this person for the next several months, then I would be very careful about the expectations and patterns you set up and would have to continue. I'm assuming this negotiation is starting and ending today, so you can't use the "I'll get back to you after I confer with my colleagues/supervisor/client," excuse.

I would try to be very neutral emotionally/personality wise. Try to be a bit of a cipher.
Dress professionally, neutrals, some tasteful makeup and jewelry.
Invite him to explain and go into detail around any points he makes. Even if you're not going to entertain them in the end; you're showing a little deference.
Ask questions, draw him out, why is he asking for the things he's asking. Again, you're showing interest and "deference" which will probably appeal to him, but you're also getting valuable information that you can use going forward in the working relationship.
Make sure you can "throw a higher up" under the bus. "I'm not authorized to do that" is probably a phrase you'll want to make liberal use of.
Know what you can give in on and start a from a little higher/tougher place so you can give in during the negotiation and let this guy have as many "wins" as possible.
posted by brookeb at 5:19 PM on September 1, 2023 [11 favorites]

This is an interesting question. That link to the Annie Duke article is really insightful.

I’d be inclined to follow Annie’s strategy of compartmentalize and be aware of his sexism and try not allow it to distract you from your standard methods and exercise of your skills.
posted by bruinfan at 7:28 PM on September 1, 2023 [1 favorite]

> Crush him. Use that stereotype tax to get up inside his brain. If he turns his critical thinking off to operate purely on stereotypes and sexism, serves him right.

Crushing people fits one-off transactional negotiations where you don't have to ever interact with the person again afterwards. It might not be the best fit for the context of needing to establish a tolerable working relationship where you will work closely with someone for several months. Would you be agreeable to working with someone closely for months after they had crushed you?
posted by are-coral-made at 8:13 PM on September 1, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: You be you. Know your limits and stick to them. If he is (or is not) sexist, that should not affect your negotiation. Set your limits and stick to them. Speak in platitudes while holding firm, "I am excited to work with you. I think we will have a terrific partnership. That being said, I cannot agree to the terms as you laid them out. I will agree to XYZ. XYZ will give us both the opportunity to be successful in the endeavor."

I think the advice is pretty much the same regardless of with whom you are negotiating. Know your top price and keep talking until either you agree or you have to walk away. Him being a sexist or an a**hole should not make you give in any more than you would if he was the greatest thing in the world. I happen to think it should make you give in less, but that is an emotional response rather than an analytical detached response.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:02 PM on September 1, 2023 [3 favorites]

Flattery.
posted by KayQuestions at 10:06 PM on September 1, 2023

A former colleague was amazing at handling our two resident sexists. She just said "Yes, thanks Bill, that's great. And what we're going to do now is...". It was like all their tiny reptile brains heard was "she just agreed with you, thanked you, complimented you, and is going to do what you said", even though she only gave lip service to three of those things. It was like a souped-up version of the "yes, and" thing.
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 2:28 AM on September 2, 2023 [13 favorites]

Try name-dropping a male supervisor when proposing things he is likely to disagree with. "I know it's frustrating, but Bob/Dave/Steven is the manager and this is what he wants..." This takes the focus away from you as a powerful lawyer who happens to be female (which he will have a tough time processing) and plays into his assumption that women are subordinate.

On preview this is a variation of the "yes, and" approach described above.

The honeytrap/seductress strategy someone mentioned upthread would make me worried for your safety, to be honest.
posted by wandering zinnia at 2:45 AM on September 2, 2023

As with anyone in negotiations, I match their energy. Sexism isn't typically a motivating factor on its own -- it supports some other character weirdness and, if you're good at negotiating, you're good at digging into that.

Not in being sexist back, but with a "facts don't care about your feelings" d-bag, I've said things like, "Well, there's data and there's feelings. And I've got data" to guys who I knew thought women were too emotional -- downplaying gut and getting on their side, while still saying something I believe to be true (data is important) but saying it in a way that shows I'm not looking for a fight, but I'm not a doormat.

There was a super passive-aggressive sexist dude I worked with who wanted everyone to think he was nice while being super condescending. So I would say things like, "I'm so glad we're aligned on the need to accomplish X, Y and Z, because Z is so important. As you said last week about the (BLAH BLAH BLAH)-" which means that I was positioning my POV as being directly related to his and building off of it. So contradicting me would make him look wishy washy or combative. And if he tried to explain it to me as if I didn't understand it, I'd ask questions like, "And so we should avoid XYZ?" to get him to state his position so I could tangibly push off of it.

I've never found that being overly stereotypically feminine in any way (seductive, quiet, emotional, over-complimentary, etc.) has ever helped me with sexist dudes. Being "not that kind of girl," being kind of smirking at it like sexism is pathetic, and acting oblivious to it has all worked for me in different situations, depending on the type of dude I'm dealing with.
posted by Gucky at 8:05 AM on September 2, 2023 [6 favorites]

Lots of good advice here. A couple details:

Following on to @atomicstone: You are lawyer, you know this, if you are in a one-party consent recording state, record the conversations. Report anything untoward.

Also seconding what @fingersandtoes said. I'm guy and I use this on other guys.
posted by falsedmitri at 10:33 AM on September 2, 2023 [1 favorite]

I go Edwardian schoolmarm, but warmly — think the Miss Manners persona. I’m friendly, but a little over-formal — a perfect lady who would be startled to be mistreated or disrespected in any way. It’s a persona that comes off as femme enough that it doesn’t make sexist dudes angry right out of the box, but it lets you assert yourself fairly naturally. Offensive or aggressive moves from the other side, you can sort of ignore — respond as if whatever it was had been stated rationally and inoffensively. Being a little overly literal, depending on the person you’re dealing with, can help.

But this is all dependent on how you come across yourself. I can pull off Edwardian schoolmarm pretty easily, but it’s not for everyone. The underlying principles that I think make it work is femme but not at all sexually appealing, and coldly rational. Anything you can do along those lines should help some.
posted by LizardBreath at 7:50 AM on September 3, 2023

Looking back, I said both warm and cold. I guess I meant warmly rational — you’re a friendly person, but in a very formal, all rational business kind of way.
posted by LizardBreath at 7:52 AM on September 3, 2023