To Marry or Not to Marry
August 30, 2023 1:42 PM Subscribe
#metafilterfundraiser2023 I want to know why people choose to marry someone.
I'm single. I don't know if I'll ever get married. I think being queer and late to come out explains a bit about why I'm not married (yet).
I want to know if someone married when they never thought they would and why.
Is it harder to find a partner if you're queer?
Tell me your marriage stories. Especially queer marriage stories.
I signed up for a monthly "subscription" to Metafilter 😀, so here is my chatfilter question.
I'm single. I don't know if I'll ever get married. I think being queer and late to come out explains a bit about why I'm not married (yet).
I want to know if someone married when they never thought they would and why.
Is it harder to find a partner if you're queer?
Tell me your marriage stories. Especially queer marriage stories.
I signed up for a monthly "subscription" to Metafilter 😀, so here is my chatfilter question.
Hi! I never thought I would marry (didn't imagine I could find someone I would feel I could make that level of commitment to) and it wasn't something I was trying to find (indifferent to those societal expectations).
I wound up getting married at 35. if you had told me (before I met Mr Supermedusa) that I would be engaged after less than a year of dating I would NEVER have believed it. but there we were after like 8 or 9 months, getting engaged!
my husband was also a low expectation/hope for marriage person, so its a double whammy.
we just both felt like we had such an unexpected level of compatibility that we couldn't not um, put a ring on it. of course there are also various legal and financial benefits to marriage, so we thought that was a cherry on top.
October we celebrate our 20th. not saying its all been ice cream and unicorns but no regerts here. we are starting to plan some retirement ideas and I really look forward to continuing to build our weird and wonderful life together.
I cannot comment on the queer angle, since I wound up in a het relationship.
posted by supermedusa at 1:55 PM on August 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I wound up getting married at 35. if you had told me (before I met Mr Supermedusa) that I would be engaged after less than a year of dating I would NEVER have believed it. but there we were after like 8 or 9 months, getting engaged!
my husband was also a low expectation/hope for marriage person, so its a double whammy.
we just both felt like we had such an unexpected level of compatibility that we couldn't not um, put a ring on it. of course there are also various legal and financial benefits to marriage, so we thought that was a cherry on top.
October we celebrate our 20th. not saying its all been ice cream and unicorns but no regerts here. we are starting to plan some retirement ideas and I really look forward to continuing to build our weird and wonderful life together.
I cannot comment on the queer angle, since I wound up in a het relationship.
posted by supermedusa at 1:55 PM on August 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
oh, and the weirdest thing for me: my relationship with my parents became so much better, closer, just totally transformed. I cannot really explain it but its definitely due to my marriage.
posted by supermedusa at 1:57 PM on August 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by supermedusa at 1:57 PM on August 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I was happy living with Mr. Blah and had no plans to get married...until I ended up in the hospital, and realized that my dreadful stepfather would have more of a legal right to oversee my treatment than Mr. Blah, who, unprompted, then proposed at my bedside. He got down on one knee, and I said, "Hang on, I've just had surgery so I can't lean over and look at you. Stand up!"
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:13 PM on August 30, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:13 PM on August 30, 2023 [17 favorites]
I never expected I'd want to get married until I met my husband. I'm someone that likes to give without holding back and that was taken advantage of (subconsciously, I'm sure) in previous relationships. I either had to hold back or carry all of both of our stuff 99% of the time and get completely burnt out. My husband also likes to give without holding back though, and we can take care of each other to our hearts content, which I really value! Related to this, if I want something to change or am unhappy, he listens and wants/tries to help. I'm a woman who ended up marrying a man, so not a queer marriage story.
posted by Eyelash at 2:17 PM on August 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by Eyelash at 2:17 PM on August 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
I started a new job in a foreign country. I got married to bring my person to my new location.
He’s now dead. Unless those particular circumstances happen again (unlikely), I won’t remarry.
posted by shock muppet at 2:21 PM on August 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
He’s now dead. Unless those particular circumstances happen again (unlikely), I won’t remarry.
posted by shock muppet at 2:21 PM on August 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm queer, been out for 2/3 of my life and married for 1/4 of it. I never thought that same-sex marriage would be legal in the USA in my lifetime. Never imagined marriage for myself. But when I was in a relationship that I wanted to be permanent, and I knew my now-spouse wanted the same, I proposed. This was before there was any hint that it might become legal.
My experience is that the wider world, at least in the USA, understands what marriage is, and takes it seriously, in a way that they do not take other forms of relationships seriously. Even if you call them Civil Unions and make them legally identical. This is a problem! I would prefer that folks could choose the forms of legal and social togetherness they want to take on, and not have to have lawyers on call to protect their rights, or be disrespected in social situations, or have kids they're raising together be treated differently.
Anyway, marriage comes with a lot of bundled legal rights, and a huge load of baggage. I decided I wanted the baggage, dammit! Call it Baggage Equality.
posted by expialidocious at 2:32 PM on August 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
My experience is that the wider world, at least in the USA, understands what marriage is, and takes it seriously, in a way that they do not take other forms of relationships seriously. Even if you call them Civil Unions and make them legally identical. This is a problem! I would prefer that folks could choose the forms of legal and social togetherness they want to take on, and not have to have lawyers on call to protect their rights, or be disrespected in social situations, or have kids they're raising together be treated differently.
Anyway, marriage comes with a lot of bundled legal rights, and a huge load of baggage. I decided I wanted the baggage, dammit! Call it Baggage Equality.
posted by expialidocious at 2:32 PM on August 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
I want to know if someone married when they never thought they would and why
I was dead certain I would never marry. I proposed to my husband within a year of dating him. We've been married for almost sixteen years and if I could propose to him and marry him all over again today I would.
Why I got married:
Before I met my husband people were all scary animals and so was I. When we began to spend time together he changed my whole world. I knew that he was incredibly special and that I was lucky to have connected with him. I knew that I wanted to be with him for as long as I could. That old story people in love tell about how they just knew? That's how it felt for me. I just knew that he was my jam. We had talked about marriage and how we both hadn't planned on it but here we were madly in love and why not declare that love to our community so.. What pushed me to ask him to marry me was that I had a good feeling that he would say yes and I knew that if he did that I would be very happy.
I can't tell if you're curious about why I didn't want to get married but here it is: I am a heterosexual woman and when I was growing up my father told me that All Men Are Pigs and They Only Care About One Thing* and then I dated some typical heterosexual men so that was off-putting. My husband is a gem and has been a huge help in showing me what a man can do for people he loves. Marriage is even more beautiful than I imagined it could be and I am so thankful that it happened for me.
*Doing The Nasty With You So Watch Out
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 2:58 PM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I was dead certain I would never marry. I proposed to my husband within a year of dating him. We've been married for almost sixteen years and if I could propose to him and marry him all over again today I would.
Why I got married:
Before I met my husband people were all scary animals and so was I. When we began to spend time together he changed my whole world. I knew that he was incredibly special and that I was lucky to have connected with him. I knew that I wanted to be with him for as long as I could. That old story people in love tell about how they just knew? That's how it felt for me. I just knew that he was my jam. We had talked about marriage and how we both hadn't planned on it but here we were madly in love and why not declare that love to our community so.. What pushed me to ask him to marry me was that I had a good feeling that he would say yes and I knew that if he did that I would be very happy.
I can't tell if you're curious about why I didn't want to get married but here it is: I am a heterosexual woman and when I was growing up my father told me that All Men Are Pigs and They Only Care About One Thing* and then I dated some typical heterosexual men so that was off-putting. My husband is a gem and has been a huge help in showing me what a man can do for people he loves. Marriage is even more beautiful than I imagined it could be and I am so thankful that it happened for me.
*Doing The Nasty With You So Watch Out
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 2:58 PM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I was always the kid who said I'd never get married and settle down. I catted around a lot in my 20s, then met my shitty (male) former partner and stayed with him for 10 years but had no interest in getting married. Got to talking to my now wife after that ended. We were engaged after 3 months and married at a year. (This isn't as dramatic as it sounds, we've known each other since we were 15). We've been married for 9 years and together for 10.
We got married twice - the first time was May 2014, when somehow1 the VA was recognizing same-sex marriage even while the rest of the federal government was not. We ran up to Maryland with her GF as a witness and got legaled. GF bought us dinner at our favorite Bmore fancy restaurant. It was a really nice weekend.
The second time was August 2014, in front of our community and family. The original plan had been to get legal on our honeymoon (joke was on us, NC rolled in October 2014 though Texas didn't go until Obergefell so I'm glad we did it in the order we did). We did a pig picking. It was really nice.
I thought the social wedding was going to mean more to me, she thought the legal wedding would mean more to her, we both cried at both and were pleasantly surprised.
We got married because we needed to be able to make medical decisions for each other (see also, we were married if we were at a VA hospital...) She's my person. We talk in unison. We finish each other's sentences. We literally do that thing folks do when they say three words and know the rest of the paragraph. But mostly, we got married because of medical decisions (her mom kicked her out of the house for being gay in her 20s. They've got an okay relationship now, but.) (Her GF is the executor on the wills and the backup power of medical and legal attorney). We could be the couple we were without being married, but the medical decision making ability trumped all... and you know, there was a power in standing in front of our folks and saying "this, this person, this is it."2 People take us more seriously as a coupe because we're married. And I look at her every day and say "my wife" and grin like woah. It's not always easy, but it's always good.
1. I'm not a lawyer, so don't ask me how this worked.
2. Yes, we're poly, but she's my person.
posted by joycehealy at 3:27 PM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
We got married twice - the first time was May 2014, when somehow1 the VA was recognizing same-sex marriage even while the rest of the federal government was not. We ran up to Maryland with her GF as a witness and got legaled. GF bought us dinner at our favorite Bmore fancy restaurant. It was a really nice weekend.
The second time was August 2014, in front of our community and family. The original plan had been to get legal on our honeymoon (joke was on us, NC rolled in October 2014 though Texas didn't go until Obergefell so I'm glad we did it in the order we did). We did a pig picking. It was really nice.
I thought the social wedding was going to mean more to me, she thought the legal wedding would mean more to her, we both cried at both and were pleasantly surprised.
We got married because we needed to be able to make medical decisions for each other (see also, we were married if we were at a VA hospital...) She's my person. We talk in unison. We finish each other's sentences. We literally do that thing folks do when they say three words and know the rest of the paragraph. But mostly, we got married because of medical decisions (her mom kicked her out of the house for being gay in her 20s. They've got an okay relationship now, but.) (Her GF is the executor on the wills and the backup power of medical and legal attorney). We could be the couple we were without being married, but the medical decision making ability trumped all... and you know, there was a power in standing in front of our folks and saying "this, this person, this is it."2 People take us more seriously as a coupe because we're married. And I look at her every day and say "my wife" and grin like woah. It's not always easy, but it's always good.
1. I'm not a lawyer, so don't ask me how this worked.
2. Yes, we're poly, but she's my person.
posted by joycehealy at 3:27 PM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I never expected to get married but after twelve years of repeatedly getting together and breaking up with the same woman I concluded that the only way out was through. I committed fully, married her, and over a period of years learned the lesson I needed to learn. Unfortunately the lesson I learned was that I should never have been married to anyone, period. I feel really guilty about the whole thing.
It's been 20 years since those events and I have had zero interest in pursuing relationships much less getting married. I've had a few lovers, but anything beyond that is simply not for me.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:52 PM on August 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
It's been 20 years since those events and I have had zero interest in pursuing relationships much less getting married. I've had a few lovers, but anything beyond that is simply not for me.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:52 PM on August 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
I’ve been with the same person for nearly 20 years and we have few objections to marriage but no overwhelming reason to do it. I don’t expect to ever get married, have children, or have any regrets about either.
posted by aspersioncast at 9:02 PM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by aspersioncast at 9:02 PM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Was with partner for 11 yrs before getting married. A bit petty but I got sick of the pervasive attitude that our partnership was not as real as the marrieds (this happens socially but also officially for things like health insurance, buying property, and having the power to speak and make decisions for each other). I also super enjoyed the big party and fun dress etc, not gonna lie.
(Caveat: straight)
posted by Tandem Affinity at 9:28 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
(Caveat: straight)
posted by Tandem Affinity at 9:28 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Oops forgot about the thought-I’d-never-get-married aspect: I never understood the point - I’ve always had the deep sense that if I wasn’t sure about somebody without marriage, a wedding wasn’t going to change that and I am still 100% that way.
I actually wrote a little manifesto in high school about this in the presence of my girlfriends saying that I would never marry and why unless it was for convenience (ie my boyfriend needed a green card - I had just seen the movie with Gérard Depardieu). My friends made me sign it and kept it. One of them became my best woman 15 years later and read the manifesto as her speech. It was hilarious but in the end, I kind of did marry for convenience, even though no green cards were involved…
posted by Tandem Affinity at 9:35 PM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I actually wrote a little manifesto in high school about this in the presence of my girlfriends saying that I would never marry and why unless it was for convenience (ie my boyfriend needed a green card - I had just seen the movie with Gérard Depardieu). My friends made me sign it and kept it. One of them became my best woman 15 years later and read the manifesto as her speech. It was hilarious but in the end, I kind of did marry for convenience, even though no green cards were involved…
posted by Tandem Affinity at 9:35 PM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I was perpetually single until my mid-thirties and felt like an absolute comic-book-guy loser type, when I met the woman who would be my wife. I knew right away -- literally, after the second date I thought "You know, if the choice was marry her or never see her again, I'd marry her." But because I knew she was the one, I didn't feel like we needed to get married.
But after four plus years, she sort-of-proposed; she said she wanted to get married. And I thought about it for an hour. And she was right. It's been nice calling her my wife and hearing her call me her husband; it's been nice having that clarity made official. Honestly, though, maybe one of the best things about being married is that now when she does something that reminds me of why she's so great, and why I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I can just turn to her and say "Will you marry me?"
We got married on the 5th anniversary of our first date. The tenth anniversary of that date is a little over a week from now; our flight to Paris leaves in the morning.
posted by Superilla at 10:09 PM on August 30, 2023 [8 favorites]
But after four plus years, she sort-of-proposed; she said she wanted to get married. And I thought about it for an hour. And she was right. It's been nice calling her my wife and hearing her call me her husband; it's been nice having that clarity made official. Honestly, though, maybe one of the best things about being married is that now when she does something that reminds me of why she's so great, and why I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I can just turn to her and say "Will you marry me?"
We got married on the 5th anniversary of our first date. The tenth anniversary of that date is a little over a week from now; our flight to Paris leaves in the morning.
posted by Superilla at 10:09 PM on August 30, 2023 [8 favorites]
I never thought I'd get married, and was quite adamantly against it as an institution. Then met my husband at 30 and married him after 3 months. It's been 7 years and I would marry him again tomorrow. I can't believe how much I love being married. For me, it was an extra layer of 'we are family now'.
posted by thereader at 11:38 PM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by thereader at 11:38 PM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
We married 19 years ago, the first year same sex marriage was legal in out jurisdiction. We knew we wanted kids and we were buying a house together. It was the easiest, fastest and cheapest way to deal with a bunch of legal stuff. We were married at city hall with two witnesses, also fast and inexpensive. We just updated our wills yesterday and I had to pull out the marriage certificate, which I found I had stored in an old milk bag to keep safe. We love each other, but we married because we are practical and frugal, and because, especially as queer people, it made our lives easier.
posted by Cuke at 11:55 PM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Cuke at 11:55 PM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
So my partner could be on my health insurance.
posted by oldnumberseven at 12:27 AM on August 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by oldnumberseven at 12:27 AM on August 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
I got married at 40. Before that I never thought I'd marry because I'd worked really hard to establish myself financially and independently after a shitty, abusive childhood. I never thought I could trust anyone enough to risk the stability I'd created for myself. But my husband is the best person I've ever met and I now trust him even more than I trust myself. I'm so much happier now, more psychologically healthy, less angry and less afraid. We've been married over 10 years.
posted by hazyjane at 12:34 AM on August 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 12:34 AM on August 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
Longish story warning.... I was 18 going on 19 at university as a sophomore and working and this campus dining services little place as a grill cook. My co-worker and I were y'know both trying to pick up a cute girl in the lines of people waiting for our meat. (Don't go there, I'm just a dining services grill cook with lines of people waiting for their burger/chicken/fries made to order).
My co-worker friend learned that I wasn't planning on going home for christmas... he had a friend who was also staying over the holidays and we should hang out "you'll like her" (a thrice repeated phrase from him over the years that is it's own sort of danger).
So we finally meet up on christmas eve.... There was LSD involved. It was a long night. Not sure of timeline but before/during/after there was sex and we were best friends.
We stayed best friends forever. She was smart and had graduated high school at sixteen and we were both just the right sort of neuroatypical aligned that we could complete each other's sentences and almost had some sort of telepathy going on. We were both not interested in any sort of commitment thing and went on about our own wicked ways. We even went out and got tattoos on her eighteenth birthday.... (only tattoo I have).
I was 22 when she came over for a visit, nothing at all exceptional about that, we were frequent same parties come on over best friends like that.
That's when she told me the tale that she was having financial difficulties because her father didn't want to do the whole school thing but they required his tax stuff for financial aid and that shit. Her counselor told her about legal emancipation and that process to get off of her fathers tax returns.....
Or she could get married. That was the question. Her then boyfriend drove us downtown and all justice of the peace simple we got married. Then back home like nothing ever happened.
We did start with the "hubby" and "wifey poo" and had this sort of "technically I'm married" sorta conversation piece.
I left university shortly after and it was like seven years or so later that I ran into an old friend who was all like "your wife was looking for you to sign some papers". We met up briefly a while later, she had traveled to like Tibet and shit and was now married and living in Alaska. Telepathy, she got the summary divorce maybe because of abandonment or maybe I've even dead and we never even consummated the relationship after marriage (there was this one time.... we were both too fucked up to fuck.... went back to the party we came from).
She did once ask me to check and see if my girlfriend was open to a three-way or just sex. I also was her wingman and took her to a lesbian bar in West Hollywood, and once we went out to a rave and I ended up leaving her with this older woman (not sure who picked up whom).
Wifey-Poo was her own thing and still I consider her as one of my bestest ever friends.
There is something queer in there about us and our relationship. It was very non-normative and odd. But that's me and my bff-ex-wife-not-wife marriage.
(I had had a girlfriend the year earlier that I would have married for her green card... didn't really need it).
posted by zengargoyle at 12:49 AM on August 31, 2023
My co-worker friend learned that I wasn't planning on going home for christmas... he had a friend who was also staying over the holidays and we should hang out "you'll like her" (a thrice repeated phrase from him over the years that is it's own sort of danger).
So we finally meet up on christmas eve.... There was LSD involved. It was a long night. Not sure of timeline but before/during/after there was sex and we were best friends.
We stayed best friends forever. She was smart and had graduated high school at sixteen and we were both just the right sort of neuroatypical aligned that we could complete each other's sentences and almost had some sort of telepathy going on. We were both not interested in any sort of commitment thing and went on about our own wicked ways. We even went out and got tattoos on her eighteenth birthday.... (only tattoo I have).
I was 22 when she came over for a visit, nothing at all exceptional about that, we were frequent same parties come on over best friends like that.
That's when she told me the tale that she was having financial difficulties because her father didn't want to do the whole school thing but they required his tax stuff for financial aid and that shit. Her counselor told her about legal emancipation and that process to get off of her fathers tax returns.....
Or she could get married. That was the question. Her then boyfriend drove us downtown and all justice of the peace simple we got married. Then back home like nothing ever happened.
We did start with the "hubby" and "wifey poo" and had this sort of "technically I'm married" sorta conversation piece.
I left university shortly after and it was like seven years or so later that I ran into an old friend who was all like "your wife was looking for you to sign some papers". We met up briefly a while later, she had traveled to like Tibet and shit and was now married and living in Alaska. Telepathy, she got the summary divorce maybe because of abandonment or maybe I've even dead and we never even consummated the relationship after marriage (there was this one time.... we were both too fucked up to fuck.... went back to the party we came from).
She did once ask me to check and see if my girlfriend was open to a three-way or just sex. I also was her wingman and took her to a lesbian bar in West Hollywood, and once we went out to a rave and I ended up leaving her with this older woman (not sure who picked up whom).
Wifey-Poo was her own thing and still I consider her as one of my bestest ever friends.
There is something queer in there about us and our relationship. It was very non-normative and odd. But that's me and my bff-ex-wife-not-wife marriage.
(I had had a girlfriend the year earlier that I would have married for her green card... didn't really need it).
posted by zengargoyle at 12:49 AM on August 31, 2023
I'm a 43 year old cis gay man. I grew up thinking marriage was just a part of life and culture that I wouldn't be allowed, so I turned against it. I became overtly, outwardly surly toward marriage and weddings. And then... life happened! Marriage became legal for me. I met and moved in with a man, and became a dad, and was proposed to. And... I said yes. And I meant it! I was married for a very long time. It came to mean something very real and worthy of respect for me. When my marriage ended, I was genuinely heartbroken for the loss of it. Weirdly enough, having an actual divorce involved seemed to provide a focal point for my gried and healing that surprised me in a positive way. Not to mention, I ended up having legal protections during the divorce that I hadn't even remotely considered I'd have needed when I agreed to get married for romantic reasons. Had I not been married, my house would've been swept right out from beneath me. Instead, my marriage meant that was not a legal possibility. They don't tell you to consider what would happen if your partner has a head injury that kills the personality you know and love and replaces it with a complete stranger. Marriage, in the end, was a kind of security against the personally upending after effects of a transition like that.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:39 AM on August 31, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:39 AM on August 31, 2023 [7 favorites]
It's still too fresh to romanticise but I got married in January for love and visas. Previously, I wasn't particularly bothered by it.
We both have dual citizenships, all different, which complicate things in many special ways (such as Brexit, he was in London on an Italian passport, I became British and could sponsor him) — but usually there's a way around it.
However, 2023 bought a new problem: moving to a non EU but European country for work... and finding out that the EU's unmarried partner/family reunification rights don't hold up as well here. So, we got hitched!
posted by socky_puppy at 6:23 AM on August 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
We both have dual citizenships, all different, which complicate things in many special ways (such as Brexit, he was in London on an Italian passport, I became British and could sponsor him) — but usually there's a way around it.
However, 2023 bought a new problem: moving to a non EU but European country for work... and finding out that the EU's unmarried partner/family reunification rights don't hold up as well here. So, we got hitched!
posted by socky_puppy at 6:23 AM on August 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
I got married in 2016 to a woman I had met three years previous. When we started dating, I moved in with her (we would have been long-distance otherwise) and after a year+ of that, we were both very happy living together and being each other's primary person. Getting married has many bureaucratic benefits and we wanted to make the public statement that we were intending our relationship to be long-term.
I'm not much of a romantic, I would have been fine with not marrying if Alex hadn't wanted to, but I was also very happy to do it. Either way, our relationship has been great, but it definitely makes a lot of things easier to be one unit for paperwork purposes.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:10 AM on August 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm not much of a romantic, I would have been fine with not marrying if Alex hadn't wanted to, but I was also very happy to do it. Either way, our relationship has been great, but it definitely makes a lot of things easier to be one unit for paperwork purposes.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:10 AM on August 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
We don’t have the cultural, familial, or religious pressures that often push people towards marriage. I just felt (and feel a decade in) that it was a really special thing to formally tell my person I intend to build my life going forward with them and importantly (was part of our vows) I was committed to doing the work to make that a reality.
I’m not normally big into ceremony but I spent about a decade previous in transitory life status and to have put my roots down somewhere was really great. No regrets.
posted by openhearted at 7:28 AM on August 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’m not normally big into ceremony but I spent about a decade previous in transitory life status and to have put my roots down somewhere was really great. No regrets.
posted by openhearted at 7:28 AM on August 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: How do you know this is your person? I thought I was going to marry twice. One a hetero relationship, one queer. For reasons, I left the hetero partner after nearly a decade. Second partner and I thought we were going to marry for sure. But again, really bad life circumstances outside of our control (plus my feeling that there was some things I could not compromise on, I left).
I am hopeful but at the same time. I've grown a lot and that means I'm picky. I would rather be single than be with someone who isn't right. I think I might never get married because pickings are super slim. I'd rather be in a queer relationship but compulsory heterosexuality rears its head in my family. And there are more men (but I need the right one).
Thanks everyone for sharing. Enjoy reading these.
Hope this follow-up is OK since this is part of the chatfiltery donation challenge. 🙏🏼
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 9:55 AM on August 31, 2023
I am hopeful but at the same time. I've grown a lot and that means I'm picky. I would rather be single than be with someone who isn't right. I think I might never get married because pickings are super slim. I'd rather be in a queer relationship but compulsory heterosexuality rears its head in my family. And there are more men (but I need the right one).
Thanks everyone for sharing. Enjoy reading these.
Hope this follow-up is OK since this is part of the chatfiltery donation challenge. 🙏🏼
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 9:55 AM on August 31, 2023
I fundamentally don't believe in a "your person"/soulmate sort of dynamic. I enjoyed my now-wife's company, we had great conversations together, we tried living together and found that our rythmns match well and we're good at supporting each other through rough times, and I didn't (and don't) see any foreseeable reasons those things would change. Are there other people in the world that might be true of for me? Probably! But I *found* this one, and I'm keeping her.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:44 AM on August 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 10:44 AM on August 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: @restless_nomad, but that all sounds like a description of finding your person! I agree, we may find more than one person in this lifetime who could be a person for us in that moment. And then there is polyamory which I'm not opposed to, but I've tried it and it hasnt worked for me. Just, how come I haven't found _at least_ one person for me? 🤓 (rhetorical question)
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 11:23 AM on August 31, 2023
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 11:23 AM on August 31, 2023
How to Know When to Get Married Using the Optimal Stopping Theory - YouTube
The mathematics of love | Hannah Fry | TEDxBinghamtonUniversity - YouTube (Original source, she's funny)
Short story, if you've gone through 37% of your dating life... pick the next person who's better than the previous people. Time to settle down.
posted by zengargoyle at 11:54 AM on August 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
The mathematics of love | Hannah Fry | TEDxBinghamtonUniversity - YouTube (Original source, she's funny)
Short story, if you've gone through 37% of your dating life... pick the next person who's better than the previous people. Time to settle down.
posted by zengargoyle at 11:54 AM on August 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
He was hot.
I was dumb and shallow but it worked. 15 years married to the best guy in the world.
I always tell my friends it's a crapshoot when they ask me about my happy marriage. I'm sure other people are more analytical but you never really know in the end.
posted by Tarumba at 1:02 PM on August 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
I was dumb and shallow but it worked. 15 years married to the best guy in the world.
I always tell my friends it's a crapshoot when they ask me about my happy marriage. I'm sure other people are more analytical but you never really know in the end.
posted by Tarumba at 1:02 PM on August 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
I was a militant nonnonogamist who thought I knew everything when I (22) met my wife (19) by accident in 2018. We dated for a year, moved across the country together, and after a year she started asking me point-blank why I hadn't proposed yet. I spent another year processing the fact that at 22 I hadn't known everything (what a shock) and then proposed. That and transitioning are the two best decisions I ever made. Both required me to reconsider past assumptions to figure out what would actually make me happy. Keeping that in mind has kept me open to the compromises we need for a happy marriage :)
posted by Summers at 4:52 AM on September 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Summers at 4:52 AM on September 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
Not an answer to your question but from the sidelines I wish for as many same-sex marriages as possible to make it maximally costly for people of ill-will to take that recent and hard-won civil right away from those who want to exercise it.
posted by sy at 10:26 AM on September 1, 2023
posted by sy at 10:26 AM on September 1, 2023
We both married for our first times in our forties. We are almost at our first anniversary!!
It was a combination of things. Some financial and property endeavors that would have been difficult to share evenly without leaning on my states very good family property laws.
But also (also!) It really really was different than all the other things. I'd been in love. He is my absolute best friend and I've never been so comfortable around a partner. I can be completely myself. We both wanted to do it because it felt right.
And then, at our age, it was awesome to throw all our friends and family a fabulous party. It wasn't fancy or expensive but it was GREAT FUN and hosting it was so wonderful.
posted by dazedandconfused at 6:04 PM on September 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
It was a combination of things. Some financial and property endeavors that would have been difficult to share evenly without leaning on my states very good family property laws.
But also (also!) It really really was different than all the other things. I'd been in love. He is my absolute best friend and I've never been so comfortable around a partner. I can be completely myself. We both wanted to do it because it felt right.
And then, at our age, it was awesome to throw all our friends and family a fabulous party. It wasn't fancy or expensive but it was GREAT FUN and hosting it was so wonderful.
posted by dazedandconfused at 6:04 PM on September 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Sy, I think I know what you are saying but I need a little clarification?
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 9:46 PM on September 1, 2023
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 9:46 PM on September 1, 2023
I think you're in a stronger position to know good marriage material when you see it if you are already in a place where you would feel OK if you never did marry. I think many people get so caught up in the need to be paired up with someone, from a societal expectations standpoint, that it can add undue pressure and cloud their decision making and their clarity about what they actually want from life. I think if your default position is to be "not married" unless someone gives you very good reason to want to be married, you can approach relationships with greater wisdom.
As for "how do you know?", it's just one of those ineffables—you do know when it feels right, it feels obvious to both people that life would be better together. You both feel excited by the possibility, and it becomes harder to imagine a future without that person. If you are feeling like maybe this is the person but I'm not sure, to me that points more to the person is not right, or that the timing is not quite right for one or both of you.
I'm a cis het woman who went through a lot of 'maybe' material as a younger person, but luckily never felt pressured into taking the marriage step before getting really comfortable with "remaining single would be fine". I ended up finding my "forever" partner in my late 30's almost by accident, but we knew within the first few months that being "permanent" felt right for us both. We were just comfortable and compatible, and more importantly, excited and motivated by the prospect of sharing a life. We didn't initially see a need to be married, but eventually did so for practical reasons (health insurance and an international move).
I don't think it is necessarily harder or easier for queer people to find a partner or decide to commit to someone in a permanent way (I have queer friends across the single-married spectrum), but getting married might definitely feel like more of a loaded decision, depending on where you live, who your friend/social groups are, and how supported you may feel in your family/community. In a society where homophobia unfortunately persists, queer marriage is still a political act, and some people might see that as all the more reason to get married, where others might see it as a reason to not to.
posted by amusebuche at 12:53 AM on September 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
As for "how do you know?", it's just one of those ineffables—you do know when it feels right, it feels obvious to both people that life would be better together. You both feel excited by the possibility, and it becomes harder to imagine a future without that person. If you are feeling like maybe this is the person but I'm not sure, to me that points more to the person is not right, or that the timing is not quite right for one or both of you.
I'm a cis het woman who went through a lot of 'maybe' material as a younger person, but luckily never felt pressured into taking the marriage step before getting really comfortable with "remaining single would be fine". I ended up finding my "forever" partner in my late 30's almost by accident, but we knew within the first few months that being "permanent" felt right for us both. We were just comfortable and compatible, and more importantly, excited and motivated by the prospect of sharing a life. We didn't initially see a need to be married, but eventually did so for practical reasons (health insurance and an international move).
I don't think it is necessarily harder or easier for queer people to find a partner or decide to commit to someone in a permanent way (I have queer friends across the single-married spectrum), but getting married might definitely feel like more of a loaded decision, depending on where you live, who your friend/social groups are, and how supported you may feel in your family/community. In a society where homophobia unfortunately persists, queer marriage is still a political act, and some people might see that as all the more reason to get married, where others might see it as a reason to not to.
posted by amusebuche at 12:53 AM on September 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
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That being said, marriage is probably the best thing that I've done. My life has gotten immeasurably better as a result of my partnership, on pretty much every dimension - financial, emotional, spiritual, social, physical.
Marriage, on average, has benefits that have been observed in studies. Married people tend to be richer, healthier, and more emotionally stable than their unmarried peers, and also tend to pass these benefits to their progeny.
Of course, this is on average. It's much better to be not married than married to someone unsuitable.
posted by sid at 1:55 PM on August 30, 2023 [5 favorites]