The one true [condiment] is [brand].

August 28, 2023 2:52 PM

Brought to you by metafilterfundraiser2023 and inspired by the talk in this thread, my question is: what are the condiments/sauces/dressings/etc that you will swear to your bones there is only one correct version of... maybe one and an acceptable alternate. As an example, for me, the one true mayonnaise is Duke's.

(Although if you're going to push, I will also take the pan-Asian store version of kewpie mayo.)

posted by DirtyOldTown to Food & Drink (102 answers total)

The one true ranch dressing is Hidden Valley.
posted by samthemander at 2:53 PM on August 28, 2023 [12 favorites]

Response by poster: @JasonIsbell: I would literally rather you not have a working toilet in your house than try to feed me any ketchup other than Heinz.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 2:55 PM on August 28, 2023 [8 favorites]

Heinz ketchup. There are no acceptable alternates.
posted by dearwassily at 2:55 PM on August 28, 2023 [22 favorites]

Of yeast spreads there is vegemite; marmites and other competitors are for sickos, perverts and the morally compromised.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:01 PM on August 28, 2023 [8 favorites]

>The one true ranch dressing is Hidden Valley.

I'd go one further and say the real stuff where you mix the powder, mayo and milk/buttermilk, not the bottled stuff.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 3:03 PM on August 28, 2023 [8 favorites]

Agree with all on Heinz ketchup.

However, Miracle Whip is utter trash. There is only Hellmann's.

And if we are talking about trash peanut butter, there is only JIF.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:06 PM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

I'd go one further and say the real stuff where you mix the powder, mayo and milk/buttermilk, not the bottled stuff.

An "Italian" restaurant I worked at got a LOT of mileage out of their "homemade" ranch, which was just this. People poured it on their spaghetti, dipped their pizza in it. They LOVED IT.

If we start talking about mustards I think we need subclasses though.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 3:08 PM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

There are lots of delicious similar condiments, some are even better for certain uses. But Lao Gan Ma is the one true Chili Crisp.
posted by SaltySalticid at 3:12 PM on August 28, 2023 [8 favorites]

The only Tabasco is Tabasco, and I mean the original Tabasco not the green stuff or chipotle stuff or what-have-you. I will be confused and think you want Crystal if you ask for "hot sauce" -- it's just Tabasco.
posted by credulous at 3:13 PM on August 28, 2023 [6 favorites]

Sriracha is called rooster sauce. Accept nothing else.
posted by A Blue Moon at 3:13 PM on August 28, 2023 [7 favorites]

Likely UO: Crystal Hot Sauce -- it has a taste instead of just being hot.

Malt vinegar for fries.

My own homemade mayo and ranch (no packet involved) and other salad dressings.

Trader Joe's Cocoa Almond Spread instead of excessively sweet Nutella in which the first impression is sugar.

I am getting pretty attached to Trader Joe's Truffle Aioli and Truffle Ketchup.

Real maple syrup, in what used to be called Grade B but I think is now Grade A -- darkest, most mapley.

Still looking for a good corn relish! Giant's isn't bad.
posted by jgirl at 3:16 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: The one true "yellow mustard" is a fair question, but yeah, otherwise, lots of variations.

For me, the thing on yellow mustard is that any true one will top out at like five ingredients, none of them anything a 19th century person wouldn't immediately recognize.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:17 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

Frank's Red Hot is the definitive Buffalo wing hot sauce.
posted by box at 3:21 PM on August 28, 2023 [11 favorites]

I used to feel that way about Heinz ketchup but then Canada got mad at them and I tried French's for kicks and actually I like it just as much if not more than Heinz. The one true abomination remains restaurants serving house-made ketchup.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:22 PM on August 28, 2023 [11 favorites]

I am surprised at the Heinz partisanship, only because I thought I was the only one -- I thought this was one of those things that made me a deviant child. I've been secretly proud recently that my household has almost made it through a full bottle of subpar store brand. #personalgrowth
posted by eirias at 3:23 PM on August 28, 2023

Crystal Hot Sauce. Accept no substitutes.
posted by Kangaroo at 3:23 PM on August 28, 2023 [7 favorites]

The one true peanut butter is any brand where the list of ingredients is "100% peanuts"
posted by Homer42 at 3:23 PM on August 28, 2023 [14 favorites]

Paketon are "The Real *Mexican* Japanese Peanut", it says so right on the bag!
posted by SaltySalticid at 3:23 PM on August 28, 2023

Oh, huh, I have plenty of food opinions, but I honestly cannot think of a single condiment about which I have a strong brand preference. I will credit/blame this on shopping at a lot of places with store brands growing up?
posted by eponym at 3:23 PM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

Crystal Hot Sauce. Accept no substitutes.

YES
posted by jgirl at 3:25 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

Maille is best dijon mustard. All mayo is worst mayo ew yuk no.
posted by supermedusa at 3:26 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

I love condiments and hot sauces and will try them all. I think my strongest preference is that prepared horseradish should be Bookbinder's.
posted by the primroses were over at 3:29 PM on August 28, 2023

Sadly, the only truly correct hot fudge sauce is the Trader Joe fudge sauce, which has tragically been discontinued. I keep trying other brands - or homemade versions - and none of them are right. We shall not see its like again!
posted by darchildre at 3:31 PM on August 28, 2023

Pizza sauce is the only sauce for pizza. Not alfredo, not olive oil and, for the love of all things -- not bbq sauce.
posted by OHenryPacey at 3:35 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

The one true peanut butter is any brand where the list of ingredients is "100% peanuts"

I said TRASH peanut butter.

I forgot about Tabasco. I have my own personal stash of the stuff as kiddo loves it as well.

RE: Ranch dressing. My first year of graduate school I worked as a waitress for a local chain of restaurants called Ham's (I just found out now that the place did not survive Covid, which makes me a bit sad). Ranch dressing was made from scratch - a packet of seasoning, a ton of buttermilk and a ton of mayo (which I believe was Hellmann's). It was fabulous.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:38 PM on August 28, 2023

Tapatío is the one true hot sauce (salsa picante, not vinegary tabasco/crystal style - which is a totally different condiment). Possible acceptable substitute would be Cholula.
posted by niicholas at 3:44 PM on August 28, 2023 [13 favorites]

The one true grape jam is Smuckers. Nothing else compares.
posted by Roger Pittman at 3:47 PM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

Almond butter must be raw, unsweetened, and unsalted.
posted by jgirl at 3:49 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

+1 for Lao Gan Ma, I didn't try it until relatively recently in my life and I really do want to put it on almost everything. Does it really work on vanilla ice cream? I might try that.
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 3:49 PM on August 28, 2023

Beaver brand hot cream horseradish is my go-to for that condiment. It's more eye-watering than the brand's "Extra Hot" grated variety.

Tabasco (regular) is what I use if I want more heat than flavor in my vinegary condiment. I put it atop certain things.
Frank's is what I use if I want more flavor than heat. I stir it in to dishes (e.g., red beans & rice) while they're simmering.
Crystal is what I use if I can't find Frank's. (Sorry)
Búfalo chipotle sauce is what I use if I want something smoky + hot.
On preview, Tapatío is what I use on other foods that require heat but not much vinegar flavor. Good thinking, niicholas.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 3:50 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

Tabasco is good (although I prefer the green jalapeno one) but the all time best hot sauce is Encona West Indian Hot Pepper Sauce.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:50 PM on August 28, 2023

Bonne Maman strawberry preserves. The little french bakery downtown serves a little glob of it with their french bread rolls in the mornings, alongside a pat of ice-cold unsalted butter that looks and feels like a Scrabble tile.

I'd had it for years, like 30 years now, and it was only five years ago or so that I realized what brand it was.

The jars also make for cute drinking glasses.
posted by mochapickle at 3:53 PM on August 28, 2023 [17 favorites]

As far as mayo goes, I was loyal to Best Foods until Kewpie came along.

Taco sauce? Cholula.

We go through a lot of peanut butter and lately my partner has been grinding it up DIY in our knockoff, counterfeit vitamix. If we get it from the store, it’s the oily mess kind, from whatever niche-market brand the bougie grocery store has on the shelf.
posted by notyou at 3:59 PM on August 28, 2023

I was a Heinz snob my entire life until I moved to Texas and discovered Whataburger Spicy Ketchup - which is available in a standard squeeze bottle in grocery stores around here, no need to save the little tubs. (The Fancy Ketchup is no slouch either.)

But I'm also a Louisiana hot sauce guy. Best all-rounder IMO.

Daisy for sour cream. The aqueezy kind.
posted by eschatfische at 3:59 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

The one true Miracle Whip is Kewpie. For alcoholics, the one true Kewpie is Gin Mayo.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 4:03 PM on August 28, 2023

When I started a college in Madison, a fluke meeting with a friend led me to move into an anarchist vegan co-op for a few years. For this sheltered white kid from Wisconsin, the experience ended up opening my eyes on many, many issues, and was also formative in a lot of ways.

One of which was food. One of the co-op mates was from Texas, and on a trip back to home? He came back with a few precious jars of his favorite hot sauce, Mrs. Renfros salsa. This was in the early '90's, when there was barely an internet, much less online ordering. I had some, I loved it, but then when I moved to Seattle? Life intervened, and I forgot of its existence.

A routine grocery shopping trip in QFC a decade later had me in the Salsa Aisle, and I saw the rows of Mrs. Renfros sitting there. I bought some, and yes - I still loved it. It tasted just as good as when I originally tried it, and it also brings back many memories. Are there salsas that are of better quality? Sure. But, it's not the same.
posted by spinifex23 at 4:06 PM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

I favor Log Cabin "Maple" Syrup, even if its flavor is artificial - I find the real stuff too runny.
posted by Rash at 4:18 PM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I favor Log Cabin "Maple" Syrup, even if its flavor is artificial - I find the real stuff too runny.

Flagged and reported.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:19 PM on August 28, 2023 [41 favorites]

There are lots of delicious similar condiments, some are even better for certain uses. But Lao Gan Ma is the one true Chili Crisp.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:12 PM on August 28 [3 favorites +] [!]

Agreed 100%, but does the person on the jar have to look like their family is being held hostage and they're being forced to produce chili sauce?
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 4:19 PM on August 28, 2023

The one true brown mustard is Gulden's.
posted by May Kasahara at 4:20 PM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

Garner's Piccalilli is by far superior to all the others. But it looks as if it's no longer made, so I will have to make my own.
posted by Morpeth at 4:22 PM on August 28, 2023

Whenever I see Heinz yellow mustard or French’s ketchup I feel like it’s one of those experiments where they flash the word “blue” in green letters and it slows down recognition time.
posted by staggernation at 4:27 PM on August 28, 2023 [17 favorites]

Why Heinz Ketchup is number 1.
posted by brookeb at 4:28 PM on August 28, 2023 [6 favorites]

I came in here to say exactly what niicholas said. And I would have said Lao Gan Ma was the one true chili crisp until like two months ago when my friend blew my mind with homemade chili crisp. Oh my god you guys it's so much better fresh, just out of this world good
posted by potrzebie at 4:30 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

The best mayo is Thomy.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 4:31 PM on August 28, 2023

Did anyone else grow up with Hellman's and know the jingle by heart and then move West and suddenly it's called Best Foods and the jingle is exactly the same except they sing Best Foods instead of Hellman's and your spouse looks at you funny when you protest and your extended family says "who is Hellman?"

FYI Hellman's is the one true mayo-from-a-jar (again, homemade is a different condiment altogether)
posted by niicholas at 4:34 PM on August 28, 2023 [9 favorites]

The only acceptable brown sauce is HP Sauce.

If you're not from the UK you're highly unlikely to understand this, or even what "brown sauce" is, but it's Very, Very Important. Like, I would agree that Heinz is the Ur-ketchup, and very fine indeed, but I have actually had objectively better ketchups, no really, I have some in my fridge right now. But there is no better brown sauce than HP Sauce, and on a bacon-and-fried-egg sandwich there is no better condiment than HP Sauce, and there's very little better to eat than a bacon-and-fried-egg-sandwich with HP Sauce on it, and I'll wave a flag and dig trenches and stick a tin hat on my head to defend that statement if necessary, by George.

Ironically, post Brexit, HP Sauce is now made in the Netherlands...
posted by tomsk at 4:39 PM on August 28, 2023 [10 favorites]

Did anyone else grow up with Hellman's and know the jingle by heart and then move West and suddenly it's called Best Foods and the jingle is exactly the same except they sing Best Foods instead of Hellman's and your spouse looks at you funny when you protest and your extended family says "who is Hellman?"

I did the opposite, growing up with "Bring out the Best Foods and bring out the best!" and then moving east to hear "Bring out the Hellman's" and automatically complete it in my head to "...bring out the hell!" It's still the one true mayo, though.

The one true multipurpose hot sauce is El Yucateco Chile Habanero (the green version, not the red or the black).
posted by moonmilk at 4:42 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

I actually have my refrigerated condiments sorted by “essential” and “non-essential”. Essentials:

Heinz ketchup
French’s yellow mustard
Stadium Mustard
Grey Poupon deli mustard (brown mustard with horseradish)
Hellman’s mayo (I just recently tried Duke’s but Hellman’s is better)
A-1
Ortega medium taco sauce
Montgomery Inn barbecue sauce
Trader Joe’s Carolina Gold barbecue sauce
Litehouse blue cheese dressing
Kraft Zesty Catalina
Hidden Valley Ranch
Newman’s Own honey mustard
Nathan’s pickles
Frank’s Red Hot

On the topic of mustards, allow me to put in a word for Woeber’s, based in my hometown and without whom I might not be here. My grandparents’ first dance was at the Woebers’ wedding reception. They also make good horseradish (Sandwich Pal brand). As evidenced by the fact that I have three separate mustards and two mustard blends on my essentials list, mustard is a crowded space, but they make good stuff. I just don’t eat dijon or spicy brown mustard enough to call them essential.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:53 PM on August 28, 2023

I favor Log Cabin "Maple" Syrup, even if its flavor is artificial - I find the real stuff too runny.
posted by Rash at 7:18 PM on August 28

Permaban from my universe. How dare you. HOW DARE YOU
posted by chasles at 4:54 PM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

They also make good horseradish (Sandwich Pal brand).

Inglehoffer Horseradish or GTFO.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 5:00 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

ctrl-f "Pace"

Okay, I'll be the first.

If it's just me eating salsa alone with no company I am getting the Pace jug

don't look at me
posted by Sauce Trough at 5:04 PM on August 28, 2023 [8 favorites]

Gonna throw a bit of fuel on the fire: I've found that I prefer fruit syrups or jam in a pinch over maple or pancake syrup, despite growing up using pancake syrup. I find maple syrup runnier than I'd like and the flavor can be on the strong side depending on the type you get, and I really don't want a finicky topping to my dessert masquerading as breakfast. And pancake syrup, despite the nostalgic familiarity, generally doesn't have much flavor at all beyond its sweetness.

Very rarely brand-loyal when it comes to condiments tho. Heinz Ketchup, I guess, Hellman's/Best Food mayo 'cause it comes in a squeeze-bottle, Miracle Whip 'cause my partner prefers it and sometimes it actually does work better for certain things. Oh, also Heinz yellow mustard 'cause it comes in a container with that you can store dispenser-side down, unlike French's or w/e with the stupid pointy dunce cap which forces me to remember to shake it if I don't want gross mustard-flavored water to come out of the bottle instead. Seriously, how does this continue to be a thing we have to deal with anymore?
posted by Aleyn at 5:09 PM on August 28, 2023 [5 favorites]

Tapatio
posted by Windopaene at 5:18 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

I prefer Kraft mayonnaise over other brands, but I believe Miracle Whip is devilry. (My mom always makes her own mayo for Passover, and I think it tastes better than Kraft, but the consistency is not quite as thick, and I often want mayo for structural integrity.)

Soy sauce, preferably Kikkoman, but never LaChoy (which is what my mom served all through my childhood, leading me to believe I didn't like soy sauce).

Heinz Gourmet Malt Vinegar for fries (Crystal Beach (Ontario)-style) but it's been so long, I'll accept even apple cider vinegar and hate myself for it.

As a Buffalonian, I was raised on Bison-brand French onion chip dip, but living as long as I have in the southeast, I'll accept Mayfield's version. But I'd rather have my chips dipless than Dean's or any other pretenders. I'd prefer Buffalo hot sauces (Ted's Hot Dog Hot Sauce, Duff's Buffalo Wing Sauce, Mighty Taco Hot Sauce), but Frank's or Tabasco are good enough for the rare times I use them.

Sriracha has to be Huy Fong (AKA: rooster sauce).

I won't bother with any cream cheese other than Philadelphia (brick over tub, 1/3-fat for eating, but any version for cooking), and I really dislike any peanut butters but Peter Pan (though they broke my heart when they discontinued their whipped version). As Roger Pittman said about grape jam, so goes my feelings about grape jelly. Smuckers. Everything else is the wrong texture and flavor and sweetness.

If I'm in Buffalo, Chiavetta's Italian Salad Dressing Marinade (a vinaigrette), but out in the world, it's Marie's Creamy Garlic. I think Wishbone Italian is a monstrosity, though I still have fondness for the DIY-ish Good Seasons Italian.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 5:18 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

Milo, and it needs to be the local version to your country because of course the Australians would mess up theirs. All other hot chocolate mixes attempt to some idea the platonic ideal of a chocolate drink, but none can meet Milo. From Milo dinosaur to Milo on a spoon to Milo made with hot frothed milk, she is infinite in her varieties and superior to all.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:22 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

Autocrat = the one true coffee syrup
posted by not just everyday big moggies at 5:23 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

I know it's only been around for like a decade, but Red Boat has become the one true fish sauce.
posted by theory at 5:23 PM on August 28, 2023

The one true brown mustard is Gulden's.

This is so.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 5:24 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

Sriracha has to be Huy Fong (AKA: rooster sauce).

We don't have kids, meaning we have to supply our own 12-year-old humor, so in this house we call it cock sauce.

Honestly, I don't use condiments a ton. Every so often I have to go through the fridge and discard condiments that have been there so long that even with all the preservatives I get suspicious. But since I use so little, the cost difference between name brand and generic is irrelevant. So I mostly buy the same brands, without feeling a lot of loyalty.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:26 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Among the various Heinz ketchups, "Simply Heinz" (which is basically Heinz stripped of additives and preservatives) is the clear winner. It tastes exactly like you want Heinz to taste, but ever so subtly cleaner and simpler, too.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 5:33 PM on August 28, 2023 [7 favorites]

Can you even find Rooster Sauce anywhere...?

It is totally unavailable here in Seattle.

My Sriracha loving family suggest that Yellow bird Jalapanoes sauce is Sirachia, but better. Not a big Sriracha fan. but this stuff is good.
posted by Windopaene at 5:36 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

If it's just me eating salsa alone with no company I am getting the Pace jug
posted by Sauce Trough at 5:04 PM on August 28

New York City!?
posted by sacrifix at 5:36 PM on August 28, 2023 [11 favorites]

Heinz ketchup + mayo of preference + original tony chachere seasoning to taste.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:37 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

Heinz Ketchup
Miracle Whip (although I have been not unpleased by a couple store brand versions of this) (and there is no one true mayo because it's Miracle Whip)
French's yellow mustard
My husband would murder me in my sleep if I didn't mention Sweet Baby Ray's Hickory & Brown Sugar BBQ sauce. He used to buy it by the gallon until Menards stopped carrying it that way.

Not a condiment but Mission tortillas.

Most of the rest of the stuff I thought had to be name brand just...doesn't anymore. I've found enough store and non-national brands of basically everything else that I don't worry about it much now.
posted by tubedogg at 5:40 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

Trader Joe’s cilantro salad dressing is the One True Dressing.
posted by sacrifix at 5:55 PM on August 28, 2023

Inglehoffer Ghost Pepper is the one true really hot mustard (American), and Panda is the one true really hot mustard (American Chinese).
posted by box at 6:10 PM on August 28, 2023

I always thought Miracle Whip was better than mayo for tuna salad.
posted by jgirl at 6:37 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

May I offer a counterexample? For Japanese soy sauce, NOT Kikkoman.

As for the "one true" version...an alternative that's widely available in the US (and the one preferred by Japanese cooks/restaurateurs/foodies/expats I know) is Yamasa, though some family members would probably nominate the one my mother's side used to brew themselves...
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 6:49 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

The only acceptable brown sauce is HP Sauce.

In Canada, they have bastardized HP sauce so hard it isn't even a little bit good anymore. I am not sure if they did it to make it cheaper or just to make it come out of the squeeze bottles better but if I wanted watery brown muck that tastes like a dishrag that was once used to wipe real HP sauce off the floor, I would just buy A1 to start with.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:52 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

The yellow mustard is Plochman’s in the barrel shape.
posted by Bunglegirl at 7:07 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

The One And Only True Spicy Chili Crisp is Lao Gan Ma. Accept no substitutes, they are all pretenders to the throne.
posted by googly at 7:11 PM on August 28, 2023

The one true cherry soda is Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry.
posted by soy_renfield at 7:26 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

I don't know that this is the one true anything - but Pickapeppa sauce is a go to secret ingredient in many things I cook.
posted by brookeb at 7:27 PM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

Malkins fruit jams were amazing and then the company failed and then it got brought back (employees bought it out or something??) and you can get it again but the names changed though the label is mostly identical.

But Bonne Mamman have the great jars that turn into killer drinking glasses.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:49 PM on August 28, 2023

In North America, French's is the best yellow mustard. Outside NA it's Thomy's.

Bonne Mamman make the best jams (and saved a lot of Jews during the war).

The one great universal condiment is Saltspring Kitchen's Onion and Thyme spread. Great on omlettes, great on burgers, great in sandwiches.
posted by dobbs at 8:19 PM on August 28, 2023

The one true salt (for cooking) is Diamond Kosher.
The one true Caesar dressing is homemade from Jamie Oliver’s recipe.
The one true vinaigrette is James Beard’s version.
The one true nacho cheese sauce is Velveeta with your choice of salsa (back in the day, we used Pace, now we’d probably use Kirkland) don’t @me, it’s delicious. And Velveeta is 99% real food.
posted by dbmcd at 9:54 PM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

Something has gone wrong with Hellmann's/Best Foods. The last two jars we got were absolutely rank. We've switched to Duke's, which tastes like Hellmann's used to. (Kewpie is awesome but kept for fancy occasions.)

I don't eat sugar jelly anymore but if I did it would be Smuckers seedless raspberry, on a toasted Thomas' English muffin with plenty of melted butter.

Heinz always; now it's the no sugar version, but no other brand will do.
posted by bink at 10:19 PM on August 28, 2023

I’m spoiled in that my partner makes ketchup and mayo from scratch whenever we need some.

We were once caught out of Lao Gan Ma chili crisp and couldn’t get a large replacement jar right away. I bought four alternate brands to sample in the meantime. Some had interesting, novel qualities, but I’ve become so accustomed to the salt and crunch of Lao Gan Ma that I never find myself reaching for the others if we have LGM on hand.

It is by far our most-used condiment, except for maybe Greek yogurt (which I put on just about everything)
posted by itesser at 11:11 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

TIL this thread is just jam-packed full of people who have never had Portland ketchup, because if you had that H-word would never again pass your lips.
posted by genehack at 12:03 AM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

I don't have strong feelings about condiment brands, except for Healthy Boy Thin Soy Sauce. And right now, it is hard to find where I live. We have lots of other soy sauces, but I really prefer the Healthy Boy Thin Sauce for a lot of stuff, like stir fries and fried rice and Thai curries.
And my tahini paste has to be the pale and smooth ME style, not the dark crunchy health-food style. I like the Chtaura brand, but can live with others if they fit the description.
posted by mumimor at 2:16 AM on August 29, 2023

The one true malt vinegar is Sarson's. Accept no substitutes.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 4:03 AM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

I used to think Tapatio was great, until I tried Valentina. Now I know that IT is the superior Mexican hot sauce, and I won't buy another.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:41 AM on August 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

The one true mustard is Ba-Tampte.
posted by jindc at 6:16 AM on August 29, 2023

TIL this thread is just jam-packed full of people who have never had Portland ketchup, because if you had that H-word would never again pass your lips.

Like anyone who has eaten at McMenamins, I've had it many times, and I'm not the biggest fan. It's ok, but I don't find the flavors all that balanced. I do like the texture, though.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:26 AM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Not so much [brand] is better than [other brands] things, so much as all-purpose recs of things to have on hand, but Killer Hogs AP Seasoning and Cornhusker Duck Fat Cooking Spray are never far from me when I'm cooking.

AP Seasoning is a low sodium mix of salt, pepper, garlic, onion powder, and sweet sweet MSG. It is perfect and amazing as a base seasoning for anything.

Cornhusker Duck Fat Spray is great for cooking but even better for reheating, as a quick spray of that stuff will make it possible to reheat grilled things without them turning dry.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:54 AM on August 29, 2023

The one true restaurant ketchup packets are the ones that look like little ketchup bottles, not the stupid tiny tear open kind.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:07 AM on August 29, 2023

I'm not picky about brands for most things but these have no substitutes:

Frank's Red Hot
Tabasco
Maggi Sauce
Willie's Zuchini Relish
Strubb's Kosher Dill Pickles
posted by fimbulvetr at 7:10 AM on August 29, 2023

Response by poster: Also: Eastern European people will back me up on this but Vegeta seasoning is *the stuff* and it makes chicken, fries, or anything else savory you would bake/roast entirely magical.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:25 AM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

Sweet Baby Ray's Hickory & Brown Sugar BBQ sauce

I see a vote for a different barbecue sauce as well, but if you aren't going to make your own (and you should sometimes! Like mayo, it's not hard, it's a great payoff, and you can add all kinds of interesting things, but sometimes you just want something ready NOW), then I agree that Sweet Baby Ray's is The Way. They're a relative newcomer, but I haven't found a single sauce of theirs that hasn't been delicious.

Lea & Perrins for Worcestershire sauce. Dale's Steak Seasoning for beef marinade. Zatarain's Creole Seasoning (and their Blackened Seasoning, and their shrimp boil). Lawry's Seasoned Salt. And yes, McIlhenny's Tabasco is always in our fridge, along with Frank's Red Hot, Cholula, and Huy Fong Sriracha (along with a rotating selection of local hot sauces).
posted by solotoro at 10:03 AM on August 29, 2023

Response by poster: If you like the taste of Sweet Baby Ray's, I encourage you to level up by ordering either the signature mild or hot sauce from Central BBQ from Memphis. Same smoky brown bbq sauce style, but better. More complex, less processed.

At this point, people having barbecue at my house and remarking, "WHOA, this is much better than [whatever bullshit they've been using]!" is a cliche on the level of people walking into the TARDIS and saying "It's bigger on the inside!" Yes, I know.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:49 AM on August 29, 2023

if you want a strong ginger ale, you want Blenheim's. Maximum flavor, maximum warmth. Available in regular, unleaded, and high-test for those who really like ginger.

I have no idea how this mixes into a cocktail. I save the cheap stuff for cocktails.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:48 PM on August 29, 2023

Sometimes the texture and flavor of Hellman's is the same it's always been, but at other times it's oddly smooth and tastes substantially different. I switched to Duke's for the same reason you did, and really wonder about that inconsistency.

I noticed a textural change in Hellmann's a while ago, where it was suddenly spreading differently and not quite as tangy (I thought it was just five or six years ago, but I remember reading this Slate article back in 2015 and agreeing strongly with it at the time. Fortunately a store in Brooklyn started importing Duke's from the South right around that time, and Duke's made its big Northeast push shortly after that, because I always felt a bit silly making pimento cheese with anything else.

Years ago, Tropicana was the only orange juice but there are other not-from-concentrate brands now that are just as good (and I drink grapefruit juice now anyway).

Huy Fong was the only sriracha for a while, but the shortage is definitely going to break that up. We're buying other brands by necessity, as are all our friends, so it's likely that at least a few of us are going to land on something we like better. (I can't imagine having one true hot sauce, anyway, because there are so many different styles. What I put on eggs is different than what I put on stir fries is different than what I put on shellfish.)

That said, dijon mustard has to be Grey Poupon, worcestershire sauce has to be Lea & Perkins, and you can have other bitters on your bar but you must have Angostora as the default.
posted by thecaddy at 12:49 PM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

Koon Chun is the only hoisin sauce worthy of the name.
posted by DrGail at 2:48 PM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

I don't know if I'd call my preferences the "one true" as that sounds like a pronouncement for all people for all time, and I know my tastes are not sophisticated. But I no longer like any Italian salad dressing except for Olive Garden (I buy it at the grocery store.) And the only pasta sauce I really like is Ragu Traditional Style. The tomato flavor is rich and there are minimal chunks.

The one true multipurpose hot sauce is El Yucateco Chile Habanero (the green version, not the red or the black)

I have not tried the green or red versions yet, though I keep meaning to. But I discovered the black about a year ago and I've gone through bottle after bottle... it's so good.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:31 AM on August 30, 2023

I used to use rooster sauce -- I even have the t-shirt - - but these days I use more Secret Aardvark and Joey's.. We use Aloha soy sauce and Best Foods mayo.
posted by Tool of the Conspiracy at 2:15 AM on August 30, 2023

Best hot sauce for me is Marie Sharp's Red Hornet sauce. It gives an initial "Shit that's hot" sting to the tongue but doesn't linger so you get those jabs of ouch this hurts but can still keep eating.
posted by downtohisturtles at 4:09 AM on August 30, 2023

The only plain yogurt I will allow in my house is Fage 5%. Everything else is a sour cream and protein powder slurry and I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.
posted by rouftop at 7:53 AM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]

The one true honey is leatherwood honey (I feel sorry for you poor benighted souls who don't live in Australia and can't easily get it) and as far as I'm concerned, the best kind of leatherwood honey is Golden Nectar honey.
posted by Athanassiel at 12:45 AM on September 1, 2023

Response by poster: I will try those types of honey, if I can find them.

For cooking and all of the various medicinal things people use honey for, we use acacia honey, aka locust honey. It's very nice, but mild. It also stores much longer without turning to sludge.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:10 AM on September 2, 2023

At least in my part of the country, Melinda’s is the canonical bougie-Mex restaurant hot sauce, and all the meat-and-three joints have bottles of Tabasco and Louisiana vinegar peppers on the tables.
posted by box at 5:05 PM on September 2, 2023

Trader Joe’s and Yellowbird are the grocery-store’s-out-of-Huy-Fong srirachas.
posted by box at 5:35 PM on September 20, 2023