How to write a wedding toast when your brain isn’t working

August 28, 2023 10:46 AM

One of my closest childhood friends is getting married this Saturday, and I’m a bridesmaid. She wants me to write a toast, and I’m honoured, but I can’t come up with anything because I have serious anxiety about anything that feels like “write this, in a particular format, due by a particular time”.

Compounding this is the fact that I’m very good at accidentally running afoul of social norms. We’ve had a pretty wild friendship and I’m not sure what she shares with her family and new spouse. This is making me question and second guess everything, and now I’m drawing a total blank on innocent memories we’ve had together, which seems to be a pretty crucial part of a wedding toast.

How can I jog my memory and write a good toast while anxiety is blocking all of my memories and writing ability? I realize that my fears are pretty overblown and irrational, but that doesn’t take the physical sensation of anxiety away.

posted by wheatlets to Human Relations (33 answers total)

Google "example bridesmaid wedding toast" and alter the examples as needed. I did this for my sister's wedding and everyone cried at my lovely speech. Lol.
posted by leesh at 10:51 AM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Yes, but the issue is that they all ask for specific memories of the bride, and I can’t seem to access those
posted by wheatlets at 10:52 AM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

Are you both on social media at all? A quick scroll back through your mutual history/pages might jog your memory about specific events.

If not, and you really just can't pull any memories out of the bank, you can always simply recall how you two met and how long you've known each other and then give a big wink and say, "and everything besides that is probably best left between us and the cops" or similar.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:55 AM on August 28, 2023 [13 favorites]

anxiety is blocking all of my memories

I guess I've never had this experience, so I can't comment beyond -

Like, really, if you take out a sheet of paper and a pen and attempt to disconnect this from the act of writing a speech and just free-form attempt to jot down any shared experiences and memories with this friend as a jumping off point for something you don't have... anything? Anything at all?
posted by kbanas at 10:56 AM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

Do you have any friends in common? Ask someone to sit with you and help you write the speech, or give you feedback on your ideas. If you can't do it with a mutual friend, then a non-mutual will also do. Sometimes just talking about it together with someone can help bypass all the executive dysfunction stuff.

And yeah, don't go for any dubious stories. Say nice things, wish them a wonderful marriage.
posted by trig at 10:58 AM on August 28, 2023 [5 favorites]

Everyone has different taste but the best toasts share about the couple versus spilling secrets about the bride. Questions to jog some thoughts:
1) How did the bride first mention they were dating, what were her early impressions or likes about this person?
2) When did you know they were going to "make it" as a couple?
3) What affectionate thing have you seen them do when they didn't think their friends were watching?
posted by Narrow Harbor at 11:00 AM on August 28, 2023 [11 favorites]

It sounds like you have stories that you would enjoy telling, but you don't know if she would want you to share them. If that's the case, can you ask her?
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:02 AM on August 28, 2023

Here's the thing about those sorts of speeches - we're all raised on sarcastic, funny movie versions and they're very very hard to pull off.

Be short, be gentle and loving, and if you're trying to be funny the humor needs to be pitched at the whole room, grandparents, work friends at all.

Sharp inside jokes and teasing are great, but they're for smaller gatherings - a bachelorette party, or maybe a late night toast, but not for the big speech.

Here you want six or seven sentences that are happy and talk about the stuff she loves in her self, her soon to be spouse loves about her, and all her friends and family recognize, then a "cheers!" and you're done.
posted by mercredi at 11:03 AM on August 28, 2023 [26 favorites]

Also, if you have any memories about the two of them together that can also make for good material. Doesn't have to be anything much - "the first time I saw the two of you make brownies together I know it was the beginning of something special. And delicious", or whatever.
posted by trig at 11:04 AM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

Do you have a third friend in common? If so, what stories might they tell?

If not, what would the bride say if she was toasting you?

See if you can guess what their voice would be, and it might unlock a few things to work with.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:07 AM on August 28, 2023

Response by poster: Kbanas - I can come up with memories, but either:
- they aren’t suitable for a general audience
- they’re inside joke-y “you had to be there” moments that wouldn’t translate well

Added complication - I barely know her spouse. She met him in my city, I met him once while they were dating, and they moved together to another province. I’ve met him a couple times since and I like him but he’s very quiet so I don’t know much about him or how they are together (well, aside from having helped her through a difficult patch with him at first, but… here we are again with the stuff that isn’t very shareable)

Although… she is the friend I mentioned in my “How to be more persuasive?” question. Maybe I can work that in somehow? Can you just praise someone’s personality if you can’t remember the details of any specific incidents to back it up?
posted by wheatlets at 11:11 AM on August 28, 2023

Best answer: I thought my sister-in-law gave a pretty memorable toast. She started with a line about how great it is when someone meets their soulmate, which set up the punchline: "for me, that was when I met [my wife/her sister]". Then she went on about how ever since then, they've been inseparable and how much they loved each other and how they've had so much fun together. Then I came along and she was jealous, but she saw how happy I made my wife/her sister, it made it easier for her, and now she's happy that my wife/her sister found someone who cares about her as much as she does, etc. etc..

You don't actually have to give examples. Most people will assume that, if you're a bridesmaid and you say you've had fun times with the bride, that you have in fact had fun times with the bride. This isn't court. You don't have to swear to tell the whole truth.

You don't really have to say anything of substance at all. Nobody cares. It's just a formality. I've given two best man toasts, and I don't remember either of them except that I was happy for the couples (both of whom divorced before their first anniversary, incidentally - probably best that I didn't waste too much time on my speeches). That's all you need to say. The bride used to be a bachelorette, you two had fun times together, then she met her husband, and, hey! She's still fun, and he's fun too (it doesn't matter if this is true), and now they're going to have a lot of fun together, and that makes you happy.
posted by kevinbelt at 11:24 AM on August 28, 2023 [18 favorites]

Can you just praise someone’s personality if you can’t remember the details of any specific incidents to back it up?

Of course.
posted by beagle at 11:27 AM on August 28, 2023 [8 favorites]

Keep it short! No need to share funny and potentially embarrassing anecdotes- short, sweet, and heartfelt gets the job done.
.Basic formula:
Brief introduction (can just be "hi, I'm Name, a friend the bride)
How you know the bride (childhood friend, met at work, college, in city x, whatever)
Why you are glad to have bride as a friend/describe her best qualities (She is one of the funniest, kindest, people I know)
How happy you are that she has found a wonderful partner in Groom
Thrilled that you are all are able to celebrate together today
Wishing them a lifetime of love and happiness
Close with the actual toast: "please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the bride and groom"

You can jot out some notes on a piece of paper to have in case you freeze up. Good luck!!
posted by emd3737 at 11:28 AM on August 28, 2023 [12 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you kevinbelt, that helps a lot. I have an unfortunate tendency to assume life is going to play out like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, where people would actually stand up and go “Wait a minute, you just say you’ve had fun together. What kind of fun? Oh, ‘can’t remember’? Do you even KNOW the bride???”
posted by wheatlets at 11:28 AM on August 28, 2023 [6 favorites]

I have cribbed from this beautiful Henry Rollins speech from a wedding about how unlikely and amazing it is for any two people to find each other, on several occasions.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:29 AM on August 28, 2023 [5 favorites]

Do the same thing you always do when you have anxiety block. Take a walk, get some exercise, get some sun, have your favorite tea, call a good friend, talk to your counselor, write a draft and burn it, whatever works normally— do that now.

Maybe one of those things is ask a Mefi question. If so, then good, you’re already working on it. If that hasn’t been effective previously, then go back to your usual anxiety tricks.

This is just like any other anxiety block and you can overcome it with the same tools.
posted by nat at 11:29 AM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I wonder if you're getting blocked by all the stories you definitely don't want to tell. Just to tame your anxiety and get things flowing, how about writing a fast draft of the speech you would write if you didn't have to worry about embarrassing the bride, offending grandmothers, and so on? Let loose with all the wildest, raunchiest things that have ever happened to you?

I wonder if that might jog some memories - or help you strategize, "Well, I definitely can't tell that whole story, but I can skip over the really wild parts" - or, at worst, give you a foundation for writing "I won't embarrass the bride by telling you about all the wild antics we got up to in our youth, but even then, I was always impressed by [say something nice about her here.]"
posted by Jeanne at 11:35 AM on August 28, 2023 [7 favorites]

I gave a MOH toast for my childhood best friend's wedding, and I cribbed the basic format of it from the first answer to this AskMe. I kept it super short, mentioned only three events in our lives (how we met as kids, being roommates in college, and that we were now "celebrating the big events in our lives together." Everybody appreciated that it was short, especially after the nearly 10 minute speech delivered by the best man.
posted by little king trashmouth at 11:52 AM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

Turn your weakness into strength: make stuff up.

"I know a bridesmaid's speech is supposed to include shared memories to make you all go "aawww", but I regret to inform you that my anxiety demons have temporarily fritzed all my memories of real life. So I am forced to conclude that [bride] and I met on a tropical island where we had both been abducted by pirates.... Ruggedly handsome pirates whose captain bore an uncanny resemblance to [bride's celebrity crush] from that movie." Go on to describe how, with her charm and experience at [subterfuge/Powerpoint/provocative dancing] you easily outwitted the pirates, stole their pirate ship and sailed away to become the far-famed scourge of the seas. Yet one day, in the heat of battle, [Bride] took prisoner a comely [data-entry clerk or whatever the groom does]. Their eyes met across a crowded poop deck, and she knew in that moment that this was no ordinary [data-entry clerk] but a soulmate worthy of a pirate queen's heart. Fate had brought them together at last. With one stroke of her sword, she severed his bonds and escorted him to her cabin. Fade out. (pause for laughter) "I wish the bride and groom a joyful day and a blissful honeymoon, which I understand they plan to spend pillaging the coasts of [wherever they're from]. Friends and family, raise your bottles of rum and wish [name & name] fair winds and a following sea, and bon voyage."

You can tweak this according to what media you and your friend are into. If sci-fi, then make it aliens or space pirates.

Or you met on a fateful day in London on Baker Street when you both sought the help of the world's greatest detective.

Or you met working as casino girls on the day of the million-dollar heist.

Just... tell a little story, have fun but keep it more or less G-rated. Don't get bogged down in details, just use bold strokes. They'll love it.
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:00 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

They can ask all they want for specific memories of the bride but you don’t actually have to provide those if you can’t think of anything appropriate. Nobody is going to stand up and make you do it over again, and if they give you static about it later, let them pout. They’ll survive.

Does the bride have any qualities you admire? You could base a short toast on those, saying something about how the groom clearly admires them too. You could say something about how happy you are that she’s marrying the right person. You can do what one of my cousins did, and read a short poem or excerpt of a longer text (look up the speech about being “real” in The Velveteen Rabbit, you will not have a dry eye in the house.)

It can be so hard to try and encapsulate someone who has been an important part of your life and it is perfectly fine to say something general about love or partnership or happiness instead. If you’re someone who has a hard time gauging appropriate social interactions, be very, very careful with using Chat GPT. At the very least, have someone vet any AI scripts first. (The one above would be seen as kind of rude in my circles.)
posted by corey flood at 12:00 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

A wedding toast is not actually a persuasive speech, because anyone who doesn’t already feel good wishes towards your friend can get stuffed. You don’t have to “show your work”, give specific examples, or do anything that a high school teacher would give a pencilled comment in the margin about.

You don’t have to prove anything.

Also a toast should be short.

It would be just fine to cover the basics given by emd3737 above.
posted by Hypatia at 12:03 PM on August 28, 2023 [9 favorites]

I'm wondering, how much do you need to say for a toast? Just a few words along the lines of how you know the bride and how happy you are that the groom has made her an honest woman (hint hint) should suffice. Conclude with the actual toast.
posted by Stuka at 1:11 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

Almost all the best toasts I have heard were extremely short and to the point. It is rare when a long toast is riveting and you almost always learn later that the person giving it has a job where they have to speak in front of strangers.

Likewise, all the bad toasts I have heard were long and involved references that almost no one understood.
posted by mmascolino at 2:10 PM on August 28, 2023 [5 favorites]

Do you have someone who you can talk to in conversation and tell them all about your friend, because that might be a good way to get one or two nice memories out that fit in well.
posted by ambrosen at 2:31 PM on August 28, 2023

You don't really have to say anything of substance at all. Nobody cares.

Seriously, this is the truth. On occasions like this, you will never go wrong with platitudes. You are so happy for them, when you saw them together (that one time you met him) you could tell they were perfect for each other/were going to make each other so happy, etc etc.

I'd recommend keeping it short and cheerful and avoiding mentioning your own anxiety, because at the end of the day, this whole exercise is not about you at all, which is a great thing. There really is no way to do it wrong as long as you stick to the basics.
posted by rpfields at 5:41 PM on August 28, 2023 [6 favorites]

Kind of what Jeanne said -
because your anxiety is only offering up 'inappropriate' stories, let it get all those out.

Bullet point /numbered list *20* inappropriate anecdotes/memories.
Doesn't matter if they'd be no good for wedding speech, quantity, not quality, just list as many as possible, 1 line summaries only.
Ironically, because you have to stretch to fill that many, you'll probably find some acceptable anecdotes in amongst, or you'll get all those out and get to the 'heart warming' anecdotes.
posted by Elysum at 8:48 PM on August 28, 2023

Can you talk around the inside jokey ones?

Maybe you went on a road trip together, or to the mall, or made dinner, and had a blast and now there's inside jokes from that hangout. You can just say:

"As you all know, Bride is a [hilarious/silly/fun-loving] person. In her company, even something as mundane as [task] or [event] is a great memory we still laugh about. I feel so fortunate in my friendship with Bride, and to appreciate her [characteristic] and wonderful self. And Groom is very lucky man to be marrying Bride. His [mundane outing] is also now a chance for laughter, silliness, and lifelong memories. Please join me in toasting... Etc"

IMO as someone doing a toast from the Brides side, your toast can mostly focus on the bride as long as you say something token about the groom being great and then being happy together in the future. Let the grooms side people describe him better in their toasts.
posted by foodmapper at 9:06 PM on August 28, 2023

Remember this toast isn't about you at all, but about celebrating your friend and sort of a send off into the land of marriage. Agree with keep it short, simple, and sweet.

I've been friends with X for ten years, and experienced how, (kind, funny, etc) she is, and now that shes found her groom, X she can share these qualities with him. What a lucky/wonderful couple! I wish them the best on their marriage and the next stage of their lives. Cheers!

Please don't make this a creative story assignment (as some have suggested). You're already anxious, do not draw it out. It's not a storytelling contest but a private event.

Keep it simple and stick to a script. Smile and toast to them. You'll be great!

P.s. I didn't stick to a script for my sister's wedding and it was dumb and I went on tangents. Also this happens a lot ... people going on tangents. Save that for the Bachelorette party or girls trip. Not for the entire party.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 10:10 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

This is a time where any variation on ChatGPT is so helpful to get the creative writing juices flowing. I have been amazed at how the google version really helps me break out of my writing anxiety spirals. You can just ask it to write a Maid of Honor Speech to start, and then you can ask for humorous or serious etc.
posted by momochan at 4:52 AM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

You can allude to the wild things without actually describing them - name drop the time/place/event and gently joke about how young and crazy you both were. Guests will assume it involved alcohol, which is socially acceptable compared to crime, hard drugs or sexual encounters.

A very rough script would be something like...

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending the wedding of Bride and Groom. As a longtime friend of Bride I am so proud to see my friend enter the next stage of her life.

I knew they were a great match when Groom brought homemade soup for Bride when she was sick.* It's a loving and kind gesture which I am sure will continue to characterise their relationship as it blossoms into a marriage.

Bride has been a wonderful friend to me and she gives as much - no, more - love and care to her partner - even if she's a wild child sometimes. I still remember Christmas 2013!**

Let's all give a toast to Bride and Groom to wish them a long and happy marriage."

* Replace with something kind and sweet Groom actually did for Bride.

** Replace with an event where you and Bride had a lot of crazy fun. Turn to look at her while you say it in a knowing way.
posted by wandering zinnia at 5:53 AM on August 30, 2023

I agree that you can say any short collection of nice words and it will go over well. I actually don't think a wedding toast has to have any biographical details at all. People appreciate a short speech - trust me. I quoted a couple of nice lines from an Elvis Presley song and then said how my friend and her new husband were meant to be, right for each other, etc. And then "please raise your glasses to X and X". It can be that simple.
posted by reshet at 9:37 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I ended up going with: how we met, what it is I like about her character that made me want to befriend her in the first place, aspects I like about our friendship, how the groom is lucky because of those traits, and best wishes for their lives going forward. Mine was the shortest by far, but I think people appreciated that because I got compliments on it all night.
posted by wheatlets at 2:48 PM on September 4, 2023 [4 favorites]