Helping a 5 year old process nostalgia for her own babyhood
August 28, 2023 7:33 AM Subscribe
How does an emotionally strong mom help her child process nostalgia? I am not such a mom.
Until she was almost four, we spent all of our time together in domestic glory. I really miss it too. It was wonderful. After summer break, she's now preparing to go back to school in about a week. I think this is exacerbating her desire to stay home with mom forever.
I would like to hear your input on how to help her navigate her feelings, mostly because I don't know how to process them myself. I feel like I am not handling this correctly. The last time we talked about this (yesterday) I teared up and we ended up hugging and crying, which can't be healthy.
On the practical side, we have come up with plans to take days off together once in a while, to have a list of things we want to do (make snacks, have picnics, do crafts). I have internally made myself a promise to be more flexible and spend time with her on her terms (she's recovering from major surgery and I have been very focused on getting things done, and my fuse has definitely shortened, which I think makes her pine for babyhood even more).
It's just the helping with emotions that is so hard for me. I don't know how to have those conversations like a mom should. I feel like even my efforts validating are misguided, and I don't know how to go from (my chaotic) validation to a place that at least feels closer to resolution or peace.
Thank you.
Until she was almost four, we spent all of our time together in domestic glory. I really miss it too. It was wonderful. After summer break, she's now preparing to go back to school in about a week. I think this is exacerbating her desire to stay home with mom forever.
I would like to hear your input on how to help her navigate her feelings, mostly because I don't know how to process them myself. I feel like I am not handling this correctly. The last time we talked about this (yesterday) I teared up and we ended up hugging and crying, which can't be healthy.
On the practical side, we have come up with plans to take days off together once in a while, to have a list of things we want to do (make snacks, have picnics, do crafts). I have internally made myself a promise to be more flexible and spend time with her on her terms (she's recovering from major surgery and I have been very focused on getting things done, and my fuse has definitely shortened, which I think makes her pine for babyhood even more).
It's just the helping with emotions that is so hard for me. I don't know how to have those conversations like a mom should. I feel like even my efforts validating are misguided, and I don't know how to go from (my chaotic) validation to a place that at least feels closer to resolution or peace.
Thank you.
One more to add re: what to do when processing kid’s emotions. I’m working on this too as kid is about six and things are changing. I don’t have to name feelings for them anymore or problem solve. I’m learning my role is to sit still, nearby, very quietly, and make comforting noises and provide comforting touch.
posted by CMcG at 7:52 AM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by CMcG at 7:52 AM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: To some extent, there's no real process. Kids just get over stuff. My daughter is starting "real school" tomorrow (her daycare offered an accredited kindergarten), so today is the first day she's not at the daycare she's been at since she was an infant, with kids she's known since they were also infants. She spent most of the day Friday crying about how she'd lose all her friends and she'd miss the playground and she didn't want to leave, etc. This morning was meet-the-teacher day at the new school, and wouldn't you know, she loves it. She met other kids and has already started being social. She didn't want to leave the library. She's so excited about the playground. She loves her teacher. Ever since we got back, she hasn't stopped talking about how she can't wait to start class tomorrow and how much she's going to love first grade. It's like Friday never happened. That's the thing about kids. They move on extremely quickly. Your kid is upset now, like mine was on Friday, because they haven't yet started the next chapter. As soon as they do, they're fine.
Our jobs, as parents, is not to project our anxieties onto them. I've written frequently about how I moved shortly after my daughter was born, how I hate the place I moved to, and how I want to move back. We vacation there occasionally, and invariably, after we get back, my daughter will say "I wish we could live in Ohio". You couldn't script something to better push my anxiety and depression buttons. But she's not saying that because she spent 37 years living there, 16 of which were in the same neighborhood putting down roots. She's not saying that because most of her friends still live there and she feels left out. She's saying it because we went to a playground while we were there. She wishes we could live in any state we go to visit. All that other shit is MY shit, and she shouldn't have to carry it for me.
Likewise, your daughter saying that she misses the time you spent with her is hitting you as hard as it is because YOU miss that time. (As you should!) You just have to get her to the start of the next chapter, and she'll process things on her own from there. If she seems sad, encourage her that she'll have just as much fun at school as she did at home. You said "back to school", so presumably she's been through this before: remind her of that. And yes, reassure her that you'll still do stuff with her. All you have to do is get her to the first day of school, and the way to do that is not by crying about your own issues. There's a time for that too, but it's when you're by yourself. It's not your daughter's problem.
TLDR don't assume that just because she's saying the same thing you are, that the reasons she's saying it are the same.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:20 AM on August 28, 2023 [35 favorites]
Our jobs, as parents, is not to project our anxieties onto them. I've written frequently about how I moved shortly after my daughter was born, how I hate the place I moved to, and how I want to move back. We vacation there occasionally, and invariably, after we get back, my daughter will say "I wish we could live in Ohio". You couldn't script something to better push my anxiety and depression buttons. But she's not saying that because she spent 37 years living there, 16 of which were in the same neighborhood putting down roots. She's not saying that because most of her friends still live there and she feels left out. She's saying it because we went to a playground while we were there. She wishes we could live in any state we go to visit. All that other shit is MY shit, and she shouldn't have to carry it for me.
Likewise, your daughter saying that she misses the time you spent with her is hitting you as hard as it is because YOU miss that time. (As you should!) You just have to get her to the start of the next chapter, and she'll process things on her own from there. If she seems sad, encourage her that she'll have just as much fun at school as she did at home. You said "back to school", so presumably she's been through this before: remind her of that. And yes, reassure her that you'll still do stuff with her. All you have to do is get her to the first day of school, and the way to do that is not by crying about your own issues. There's a time for that too, but it's when you're by yourself. It's not your daughter's problem.
TLDR don't assume that just because she's saying the same thing you are, that the reasons she's saying it are the same.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:20 AM on August 28, 2023 [35 favorites]
Best answer: I'm not a parent so hesitate to comment, but... if she's recovering from major surgery, that might be making her feel more clingy and tender than she otherwise would. Physical challenges to our systems, like surgery, can create real emotional responses. In which case, it may well pass as she continues to recover, rather than being a deep-seated emotional issue which will endure unless you work out how to handle it perfectly.
In the meantime, you're obviously doing a great job of acknowledging her emotions and showing her it's fine to be emotional about something. Maybe also then showing her that those emotions don't have to take over, a kind of "Well look, we feel sad, let's do something nice now to cheer ourselves up," move, and then distract her with other activities. I think distraction doesn't have to mean denial, if you've already acknowledged and spent some time with her feelings.
posted by penguin pie at 8:37 AM on August 28, 2023 [7 favorites]
In the meantime, you're obviously doing a great job of acknowledging her emotions and showing her it's fine to be emotional about something. Maybe also then showing her that those emotions don't have to take over, a kind of "Well look, we feel sad, let's do something nice now to cheer ourselves up," move, and then distract her with other activities. I think distraction doesn't have to mean denial, if you've already acknowledged and spent some time with her feelings.
posted by penguin pie at 8:37 AM on August 28, 2023 [7 favorites]
I liked the way my son's preschool helped kids process big transitions. They helped create a handwritten and stick figure book about the event in a really safe, child-appropriate way to talk about the transition. My son has a baby book they created together with different things from when he was a baby to now. They had a string cut at the same length of his baby length and a string cut with the length of how he is now. They talked about important things (to him) that happened when he was a baby and what he is like now. They created another book called the Important Book of all the things important to him. They wrote the words and he drew the pictures. They also created another picture book about his family. I feel creating these books really helped process who he was and where he is going. I think the creative process together and the length of time spent thinking through it helped get to the next stage.
posted by ichimunki at 8:41 AM on August 28, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by ichimunki at 8:41 AM on August 28, 2023 [5 favorites]
RN we're doing a mix of things that mostly involve accepting how she's feeling. She talks about things she liked then and now. We talk about privileges she has now, but also just go with it if she requests us to treat her like she's younger, knowing we're meeting something and it'll pass.
We're learning things too, like "remember when we played with clay on a wheel? I really liked that" and working to incorporate that moving forward.
I think part of this has to do with a solidifying view of time and past (hey, I ate this exact lunch once when I was three!) but really, I just go with stuff I liked then and for stuff I didn't like, I chat about how I like how she can do x now.
posted by bindr at 8:43 AM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
We're learning things too, like "remember when we played with clay on a wheel? I really liked that" and working to incorporate that moving forward.
I think part of this has to do with a solidifying view of time and past (hey, I ate this exact lunch once when I was three!) but really, I just go with stuff I liked then and for stuff I didn't like, I chat about how I like how she can do x now.
posted by bindr at 8:43 AM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
Oh, welcome to being me. Seconding the idea that she is not thinking these things in the same way you are for the same reasons you are. She is likely to be channeling complicated feelings about change, the surgery, new school, general brain growing, etc., and if she gets a reaction from you re: "nostalgia" that is going to reinforce itself, and fast.
It is hard but you need to get her looking FORWARD despite the temptation to look back (for both of you). Buy new shoes! Get new pencils! Practice writing! Pack lunch! Play at the playground by the school! Have playdates with school friends asap!
Time keeps on slippin slippin slippin into the future and one of the best skills / capacities you can teach her is excitement for "what's next!??"
posted by nkknkk at 8:59 AM on August 28, 2023
It is hard but you need to get her looking FORWARD despite the temptation to look back (for both of you). Buy new shoes! Get new pencils! Practice writing! Pack lunch! Play at the playground by the school! Have playdates with school friends asap!
Time keeps on slippin slippin slippin into the future and one of the best skills / capacities you can teach her is excitement for "what's next!??"
posted by nkknkk at 8:59 AM on August 28, 2023
Best answer: I think hugging and crying is totally healthy. Especially after things like major surgery or when living through a pandemic.
It sounds to me like you are doing a great job even it feels chaotic for you emotionally. Life is complicated and it is okay to have complicated feelings. While you don't want to center your emotions in these interactions, and you don't want to be going to your kid for comfort, it's good to show kids that grown-ups cry about sad stuff. Grown-ups get scared and nervous. And then after crying and hugging for a while most grown-ups feel better and are more ready to talk about the parts they are excited about, or just go make dinner, or spend some time reading or relaxing.
You are already a strong mom. Strong moms also cry.
posted by ewok_academy at 9:15 AM on August 28, 2023 [10 favorites]
It sounds to me like you are doing a great job even it feels chaotic for you emotionally. Life is complicated and it is okay to have complicated feelings. While you don't want to center your emotions in these interactions, and you don't want to be going to your kid for comfort, it's good to show kids that grown-ups cry about sad stuff. Grown-ups get scared and nervous. And then after crying and hugging for a while most grown-ups feel better and are more ready to talk about the parts they are excited about, or just go make dinner, or spend some time reading or relaxing.
You are already a strong mom. Strong moms also cry.
posted by ewok_academy at 9:15 AM on August 28, 2023 [10 favorites]
If your daughter is recovering from major surgery, regression and clinginess is to be expected. But the good new is that as she recovers she will probably stop needing you and needing so much extra support. Not only that, but kids usually recover from surgery faster than adults do, so there is a strong chance the regression period will be brief - briefer than the same manifestations of post surgical trauma in adults. Remember, her having major surgery was trauma for you too.
You are handling this correctly by giving her space for it, although crying with her may have made her feel that going to school is a much sadder transition than it is. But at least it didn't deny her feelings. Your goal now is to make sure that your feelings do not displace hers. Let her know that you were having a bad day so you took it harder than you really needed to and you are confident that she just needs a little bit more time to adjust and that she will adjust happily.
But try to keep the focus on her feelings not yours, and how she will manage them. You mustn't try to manage them for her but instead fill her with confidence that she can manage them. It's important that she does make the transition because having spent those years in domestic glory she is probably more emotionally dependent on you than other kids who didn't get to stay with their parent and who spent time at play school or with a child minder. This can lead to her having less ability to manage her feelings and less confidence in her own independence than her peers.
Building a kid's independence is a tricky balance - you don't want to make the kid feel ignored and bereft, but you also don't want to get them used to you meeting all their needs for support and stimulation. It's harder with sensitive anxious kids, because everyone else in their life can seem cold and unfeeling compared to the parent who catered to all their needs and played with them, but at the same time as they work on the appropriate separation from the parent and building their own independence they may resent a parent who can no longer make the whole world right with a cookie and a cuddle. If they become used to the parent solving their woes and don't have the understanding or the skills to manage their own challenges, they will think its the parents fault when the cookie and the cuddling is insufficient to smooth their path at school.
You don't need to explain this to the kid, but tell her that she is going through a hard time because surgery makes her tired, and regression is a thing that happens to everyone periodically, and then encourage her to believe that school will be an opportunity. After all she will still come home to spend time with you, but if she stayed trapped at home with you all day she would get bored and cranky and resentful and scared of going out, the way so many kids did during Covid.
And school does present her with invaluable opportunities - learning to interact with other kids is critical and most kids absolutely crave it instinctively. When it was just you and her she is stuck in the dependent incompetent position. You can do everything better than she can and you have all the power. When she is with a peer group she will have the chance to take on all the roles that you occupy. She can be the smart one, or the kind one, or the creative one, or the one that encourages others. She has a chance to be the strongest one or the fastest one and so many more things. And even if she is the third best reader in her class the kids who are better readers will not be so much better at reading that there is no point her even comparing or competing. When she is with other kids she will have a chance to keep up - whereas now the most she can do is admire you and want to be like you some day.
Going to school offers her opportunities to contribute, rather than the relative helplessness of the child in the parent-child relationship. These are things to focus on and offer her insight on how to manage them. Just telling her "You will make lots of friends!" is a guess on your part and could easily turn out wrong and make you a liar. Instead you can assure her that she can tell you about making friends and you can offer her suggestions on what to try to make it easier.
As for managing your own emotions - that's not easy, and sometimes what you need to help you do that is some distance from the kid. If you are too worried about her and too protective, her emotions will tip you over. When she is sad, you are sad. When she is angry, you are angry. But this doesn't leave her room to be sad safely, because you sharing her sadness magnifies it. If the thought of me going to school is unbearable enough to make Mum cry, then it MUST be truly a terrible thing.
You may need to 'fake it until you make it'. Put on a act of not being worried and sad, and take some breaks from her company so that you can regulate your own emotions while you are alone, even if you are only alone in the kitchen while she is in the next room. Focus on some of the benefits to you of not having a child underfoot all day, but don't mention these things to her. You will be able to read without interruption, watch media that would bore and frustrate her because it's all just adults talking, think on a more adult level. Of course you are going to miss her company but you also will be able to walk out of the house on an impulse without having to interrupt her and get her into shoes and outdoor clothes.
It's not like she won't need you once the domestic glory stage is over - she's going to need you in other ways. Right now she needs you to be strong and calm and encouraging. She needs to not worry about your emotions. "I don't want to go to school because Mommy will miss me..." is the last thing she needs. You've got the strength to change the support and help you provide for her and you have future closeness to look forward to - the kid winging home from school to tell you about her day, the kid comparing you to some other child's mother and telling you that you are the cool Mom, the kid knowing stuff you don't know and broadening your horizons, the kid handling things and not needing you.
The more independent she gets the more chances you will have to be proud of her and admire her. So you are looking at your relationship with her growing stronger with her increasing independence. It's fine to be sad right now - but you can both look to the future as having even more promise than the days of domestic glory.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:22 AM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
You are handling this correctly by giving her space for it, although crying with her may have made her feel that going to school is a much sadder transition than it is. But at least it didn't deny her feelings. Your goal now is to make sure that your feelings do not displace hers. Let her know that you were having a bad day so you took it harder than you really needed to and you are confident that she just needs a little bit more time to adjust and that she will adjust happily.
But try to keep the focus on her feelings not yours, and how she will manage them. You mustn't try to manage them for her but instead fill her with confidence that she can manage them. It's important that she does make the transition because having spent those years in domestic glory she is probably more emotionally dependent on you than other kids who didn't get to stay with their parent and who spent time at play school or with a child minder. This can lead to her having less ability to manage her feelings and less confidence in her own independence than her peers.
Building a kid's independence is a tricky balance - you don't want to make the kid feel ignored and bereft, but you also don't want to get them used to you meeting all their needs for support and stimulation. It's harder with sensitive anxious kids, because everyone else in their life can seem cold and unfeeling compared to the parent who catered to all their needs and played with them, but at the same time as they work on the appropriate separation from the parent and building their own independence they may resent a parent who can no longer make the whole world right with a cookie and a cuddle. If they become used to the parent solving their woes and don't have the understanding or the skills to manage their own challenges, they will think its the parents fault when the cookie and the cuddling is insufficient to smooth their path at school.
You don't need to explain this to the kid, but tell her that she is going through a hard time because surgery makes her tired, and regression is a thing that happens to everyone periodically, and then encourage her to believe that school will be an opportunity. After all she will still come home to spend time with you, but if she stayed trapped at home with you all day she would get bored and cranky and resentful and scared of going out, the way so many kids did during Covid.
And school does present her with invaluable opportunities - learning to interact with other kids is critical and most kids absolutely crave it instinctively. When it was just you and her she is stuck in the dependent incompetent position. You can do everything better than she can and you have all the power. When she is with a peer group she will have the chance to take on all the roles that you occupy. She can be the smart one, or the kind one, or the creative one, or the one that encourages others. She has a chance to be the strongest one or the fastest one and so many more things. And even if she is the third best reader in her class the kids who are better readers will not be so much better at reading that there is no point her even comparing or competing. When she is with other kids she will have a chance to keep up - whereas now the most she can do is admire you and want to be like you some day.
Going to school offers her opportunities to contribute, rather than the relative helplessness of the child in the parent-child relationship. These are things to focus on and offer her insight on how to manage them. Just telling her "You will make lots of friends!" is a guess on your part and could easily turn out wrong and make you a liar. Instead you can assure her that she can tell you about making friends and you can offer her suggestions on what to try to make it easier.
As for managing your own emotions - that's not easy, and sometimes what you need to help you do that is some distance from the kid. If you are too worried about her and too protective, her emotions will tip you over. When she is sad, you are sad. When she is angry, you are angry. But this doesn't leave her room to be sad safely, because you sharing her sadness magnifies it. If the thought of me going to school is unbearable enough to make Mum cry, then it MUST be truly a terrible thing.
You may need to 'fake it until you make it'. Put on a act of not being worried and sad, and take some breaks from her company so that you can regulate your own emotions while you are alone, even if you are only alone in the kitchen while she is in the next room. Focus on some of the benefits to you of not having a child underfoot all day, but don't mention these things to her. You will be able to read without interruption, watch media that would bore and frustrate her because it's all just adults talking, think on a more adult level. Of course you are going to miss her company but you also will be able to walk out of the house on an impulse without having to interrupt her and get her into shoes and outdoor clothes.
It's not like she won't need you once the domestic glory stage is over - she's going to need you in other ways. Right now she needs you to be strong and calm and encouraging. She needs to not worry about your emotions. "I don't want to go to school because Mommy will miss me..." is the last thing she needs. You've got the strength to change the support and help you provide for her and you have future closeness to look forward to - the kid winging home from school to tell you about her day, the kid comparing you to some other child's mother and telling you that you are the cool Mom, the kid knowing stuff you don't know and broadening your horizons, the kid handling things and not needing you.
The more independent she gets the more chances you will have to be proud of her and admire her. So you are looking at your relationship with her growing stronger with her increasing independence. It's fine to be sad right now - but you can both look to the future as having even more promise than the days of domestic glory.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:22 AM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
There's a book called The Kissing Hand that is really sweet. About a little raccoon starting school and his mom makes up a secret gesture to reassure him everything will be okay.
Would recommend reading it to your little.
posted by MadMadam at 9:24 AM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
Would recommend reading it to your little.
posted by MadMadam at 9:24 AM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]
I love the idea of creating books and I feel as if a lot of kids' books address issues of separation and nostalgia on one level or another in the sense that they are often about stages of life and transitions. Once Upon a Memory by Nina Laden is one. For no clear reason, I find it impossible to read that particular book without crying. But books in general are good for these conversations I think.
You sound like the sweetest mom!
posted by BibiRose at 9:39 AM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
You sound like the sweetest mom!
posted by BibiRose at 9:39 AM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
Just so you know, lots of kids are really stressed about starting the school year and the things they SAY are upsetting them aren't really the issue. My kids were cranky pains in the butt for the last two weeks of August every year until they were like 12. And one of them actually liked school, but the anticipation and nervousness were just really hard.
So it might be easier for you to recognize that ALL of her sadness likely isn't due to nostalgia. Making fun but low-key plans for the next week might be a good distraction.
posted by metasarah at 9:45 AM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
So it might be easier for you to recognize that ALL of her sadness likely isn't due to nostalgia. Making fun but low-key plans for the next week might be a good distraction.
posted by metasarah at 9:45 AM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: What's wrong with crying and hugging together? Your plans sound reasonable and appropriate, your emotions (hers and yours) sound normal and healthy, and the way you are expressing them also sounds healthy. If you have a short fuse with her and are losing your temper with her, it's a good time to both model healthy apologies and also model the "parent time out" and giving yourself a chance to self-soothe and take a minute to take a breath before reacting. But both of you crying and hugging as you navigate a hard transition at a stressful time is very healthy and loving and fine parenting. You have taught her that people of all ages have and show feelings, and that connecting warmly with someone you love helps and feels good when you do.
posted by shadygrove at 9:46 AM on August 28, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 9:46 AM on August 28, 2023 [5 favorites]
We found that Little eirias regressed a lot when she was going through something painful or scary. I think surgery is an obvious candidate explanation in your case. The good news is that’s time limited and in all probability her pining for the past will be, too. Kindergarten is great fun. I wish you both the best with this change!
posted by eirias at 10:31 AM on August 28, 2023
posted by eirias at 10:31 AM on August 28, 2023
You say you "don't know how to have those conversations like a mom should. And I am not a parent, but I hear from most of my parent friends that they regularly feel out of their depth in conversations with their kids about emotions. Just wanting to help, wanting to talk with your child about her feelings is very important. Wanting to do it as well as you can is really admirable. Be gentle with yourself about navigating challenging territory.
posted by EvaDestruction at 11:20 AM on August 28, 2023
posted by EvaDestruction at 11:20 AM on August 28, 2023
The last time we talked about this (yesterday) I teared up and we ended up hugging and crying, which can't be healthy.
Oh my gosh, this sounds super healthy! Help your daughter name her emotions by naming yours. "Are you feeling sad? I am sad too." Or, "It sounds like you are having some big feelings right now."
I think we parents haven't done nearly as much to talk about how we can be modeling emotional maturity and teaching our kids how to talk about feelings in healthy ways.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:56 AM on August 28, 2023
Oh my gosh, this sounds super healthy! Help your daughter name her emotions by naming yours. "Are you feeling sad? I am sad too." Or, "It sounds like you are having some big feelings right now."
I think we parents haven't done nearly as much to talk about how we can be modeling emotional maturity and teaching our kids how to talk about feelings in healthy ways.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:56 AM on August 28, 2023
My kids school did the kissing hand book and then a craft activity in which parents made a hand and kid made a hand for eachother. Parent hand stays at school to look at when they miss you and kid hand stays a home in an visible place for when you miss them. My kid really likes the visible reminder we think of her when we aren't together.
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:00 PM on August 28, 2023
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:00 PM on August 28, 2023
One thing that helped our kid with baby memories: we made several Chatbooks of baby/toddler photos, and we keep them on a shelf in her room. She enjoys being able to pick them up and page through them whenever she wants, and talks about them much like she talks about her other storybooks.
posted by hovey at 5:13 PM on August 28, 2023
posted by hovey at 5:13 PM on August 28, 2023
Thousands, nah millions of parents/guardians are feeling a bittersweet grief right along with you! You are no doubt having an extra difficult time, considering that your child has just had major surgery. But your feelings, and your child's feelings, are very normal and very common.
That is not meant to dismiss your feelings; this time is SO HARD. As a Person Who Has Big Feelings And Cries Easily, I have ugly sobbed in the bathroom today (again) because my kiddos are going to school soon, and it's not even their first year.
I do worry about showing the full depth of my feelings, hence the crying in the bathroom. Regularly having VERY big feelings in front of kids feels dangerously close to putting those feelings ON them, especially with sensitive kiddos.
It's a difficult line to walk, being a safe, stable haven for your child while also being a real person who can personally understand their feelings, and who they may show their feelings to. (And perhaps rather a modern line? My own parents were the epitome of stoic through most of my childhood.)
So I might understand where you're coming from, worrying about crying with your kid. I don't think you're in the wrong! This is such an emotional time. Give your kiddo emotional space to feel her own feelings without worrying about yours, but I really feel like you're likely already doing that. You might like to pick one of the bajillion variations on a "kid's mood chart" (just internet search that term), print it & put it on your wall. That might facilitate conversations with your kid about emotions; personally, I feel that recognizing and naming the specific emotion is the hardest part but it may be different for you & your child.
Your child's school almost certainly anticipates a fair amount of...well, angst, from kids and parents/guardians. If you haven't had a meeting with your child's teacher and won't before the school year starts, it might ease you to send them an email alerting them to recent events that may make this transition particularly difficult for your child. My children's elementary school teachers have requested/appreciated this sort of info every year to understand each kid's personality & background better, but your YMMV depending on the district, the school, & the teacher.
For your kid, I would affirm that this IS a big change! It is also an exciting one, and SO many other kids are starting school too! If she's feeling nervous or sad, that's totally okay and other kids are definitely feeling that too. Some kids might be feeling so sad and nervous that they'll really need a friend (if that's the sort of thing that motivates your kiddo). Maybe focus on fun details like backpack, lunch bag/plans, supplies, bus, whatever is applicable. I like the previous advice of telling your kiddo about your going-to-school experiences.
(I told my kids about getting put in Time Out for growling, yes literally growling at the kid in front of me in line when I was a little girl in kindergarten. (I was feeling impatient that day.) I told them very solemnly that it is actually not allowed to growl like an angry cat at other children and they found this hilarious. If your child might also find this hilarious, feel free to tell her about this Real Actual Adult Mom who made angry cat noises in kindergarten.) (I did not hiss or spit, only growled, but feel free to embellish.)
For you.... trust me, set aside that first day if you're able. Cry a lot if you want. Your emotions are yours and they're going to be hard to deal with that first day especially. Let yourself hurt because oh my god does it ever, so you can be SO EXCITED and happy for your kiddo when she comes home! She's growing up, she's such a big girl now! Tell her how much you love her, and how wonderful it is that she's growing and learning new things, and you can't wait to hear all about it.
You are doing so good. I base this on the fact that you're worried about doing a good job with emotions. You're attentive and you care!
----------------------------
Haha, I see that I don't know where you live, but if you are in the US
please don't THINK about what I'm saying, just stick it in your mind for later
(particularly in certain specific areas like me, and if you are emotional like me) some anniversaries are probably going to be hard for you like they never were before. Even if you have no real connection. If you have some big feelings, please know that's okay and normal and it's very hard but there's lots of us out there feeling like you.
posted by Baethan at 7:10 PM on August 28, 2023
That is not meant to dismiss your feelings; this time is SO HARD. As a Person Who Has Big Feelings And Cries Easily, I have ugly sobbed in the bathroom today (again) because my kiddos are going to school soon, and it's not even their first year.
I do worry about showing the full depth of my feelings, hence the crying in the bathroom. Regularly having VERY big feelings in front of kids feels dangerously close to putting those feelings ON them, especially with sensitive kiddos.
It's a difficult line to walk, being a safe, stable haven for your child while also being a real person who can personally understand their feelings, and who they may show their feelings to. (And perhaps rather a modern line? My own parents were the epitome of stoic through most of my childhood.)
So I might understand where you're coming from, worrying about crying with your kid. I don't think you're in the wrong! This is such an emotional time. Give your kiddo emotional space to feel her own feelings without worrying about yours, but I really feel like you're likely already doing that. You might like to pick one of the bajillion variations on a "kid's mood chart" (just internet search that term), print it & put it on your wall. That might facilitate conversations with your kid about emotions; personally, I feel that recognizing and naming the specific emotion is the hardest part but it may be different for you & your child.
Your child's school almost certainly anticipates a fair amount of...well, angst, from kids and parents/guardians. If you haven't had a meeting with your child's teacher and won't before the school year starts, it might ease you to send them an email alerting them to recent events that may make this transition particularly difficult for your child. My children's elementary school teachers have requested/appreciated this sort of info every year to understand each kid's personality & background better, but your YMMV depending on the district, the school, & the teacher.
For your kid, I would affirm that this IS a big change! It is also an exciting one, and SO many other kids are starting school too! If she's feeling nervous or sad, that's totally okay and other kids are definitely feeling that too. Some kids might be feeling so sad and nervous that they'll really need a friend (if that's the sort of thing that motivates your kiddo). Maybe focus on fun details like backpack, lunch bag/plans, supplies, bus, whatever is applicable. I like the previous advice of telling your kiddo about your going-to-school experiences.
(I told my kids about getting put in Time Out for growling, yes literally growling at the kid in front of me in line when I was a little girl in kindergarten. (I was feeling impatient that day.) I told them very solemnly that it is actually not allowed to growl like an angry cat at other children and they found this hilarious. If your child might also find this hilarious, feel free to tell her about this Real Actual Adult Mom who made angry cat noises in kindergarten.) (I did not hiss or spit, only growled, but feel free to embellish.)
For you.... trust me, set aside that first day if you're able. Cry a lot if you want. Your emotions are yours and they're going to be hard to deal with that first day especially. Let yourself hurt because oh my god does it ever, so you can be SO EXCITED and happy for your kiddo when she comes home! She's growing up, she's such a big girl now! Tell her how much you love her, and how wonderful it is that she's growing and learning new things, and you can't wait to hear all about it.
You are doing so good. I base this on the fact that you're worried about doing a good job with emotions. You're attentive and you care!
----------------------------
Haha, I see that I don't know where you live, but if you are in the US
please don't THINK about what I'm saying, just stick it in your mind for later
(particularly in certain specific areas like me, and if you are emotional like me) some anniversaries are probably going to be hard for you like they never were before. Even if you have no real connection. If you have some big feelings, please know that's okay and normal and it's very hard but there's lots of us out there feeling like you.
posted by Baethan at 7:10 PM on August 28, 2023
I would just say, it depends on how you were crying. Uncontrollably weeping might make it seem bigger than it is, and also communicate to her that her strong emotions destabilize my parent and that’s not a good thing for her future confidence and faith in your ability to be her foundation. But if you’re just warmly tearing up then that’s great.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:09 PM on August 28, 2023
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:09 PM on August 28, 2023
Yes, to surgery will make a child more insecure or seek out comfort from their grownups. This is normal. "The hospital book" is a children's book about a child getting surgery. Got it from the library and it's helped my child process their hospital stay. The repetition of reading the book lots of times has made the memories less scary for them.
Starting school is also new and something to be processed for both the child and grownup. For you, it might help to chat with fellow parents about the transition. That helped me normalize my feelings. You're not alone.
I guess, it's important to have an outlet for your emotions so that you can support your child's emotions wholeheartedly when they need you. I think you sensed that in your saying it wasn't good to just be weeping together. Meaning, she shouldn't be doing too much comforting of you because it would be good for you to find a shoulder for you to cry on.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 10:31 PM on August 28, 2023
Starting school is also new and something to be processed for both the child and grownup. For you, it might help to chat with fellow parents about the transition. That helped me normalize my feelings. You're not alone.
I guess, it's important to have an outlet for your emotions so that you can support your child's emotions wholeheartedly when they need you. I think you sensed that in your saying it wasn't good to just be weeping together. Meaning, she shouldn't be doing too much comforting of you because it would be good for you to find a shoulder for you to cry on.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 10:31 PM on August 28, 2023
We have these moments as parents all the time, wondering was that too much, etc. We are human. It's OK that you did that. But just to affirm what you thought, perhaps try to set a time for yourself to process your emotions by yourself or with other grownups. So she isn't helping you process.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 10:34 PM on August 28, 2023
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 10:34 PM on August 28, 2023
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A good “reconnect” activity is using a blanket to make her into a burrito. If you want to pretend she’s swaddled like a baby, you could pretend that.
Pick out three baby pictures to hang on the fridge and look at together. Do you have baby pictures of you and your partner? Find some of those too and hang them up.
I think the trick is to mix delight with the past and excited anticipation for the future. Do you talk excitedly about future milestones like loosing a tooth, learning to ride a bike/swim, tying own shoe, or whatever is next for your kid?
Our family goal is to let our kid know that at every age and stage she was/is cherished and there were/are things to be excited about.
Edit to add: the stuff about your own childhood is to help everyone grasp that everyone grows up and it’s neat to grow up.
posted by CMcG at 7:49 AM on August 28, 2023 [14 favorites]