I love myself and I love my mom but do I love the stuff?

August 28, 2023 7:08 AM

My mom passed away two years ago, two years after I got divorced and moved out of a three-bedroom house. Now I have a storage closet full of her stuff and my stuff, which has not really been touched since it was put in there. Adult children of Metafilter, how did you know it was time to get rid of stuff even if it might be meaningful? Is there a way to do this that doesn’t exhaust me and doesn’t involve feeling like I’m shoving part of my life into a dumpster?
posted by deliriouscool to Grab Bag (23 answers total)

Been there. There's no magic solution - I'd keep it as long as it comforts you. What really helped me was when I reached a point where I heard my Mom's voice in my head saying "What the hell are you doing holding yourself back with that junk? Give the clothing to goodwill, those trinkets to friends, save some pictures, go have a glass of whisky and move on". When you hear that voice: it's time.
posted by scolbath at 7:32 AM on August 28, 2023 [12 favorites]

This is part of grieving and grief doesn’t have rules.
I have quite a few big plastic totes of things I moved from my parents’ home when I sold it after my dad died and my mom went into assisted living. Most of those totes are unopened and exactly where I put them over a year ago. Some are full of very mundane objects. Some are photos, scrapbooks, etc. I’m simply not ready yet to sort through them. And that’s ok. Grief can be complicated and hard and confusing and exhausting and lots of other things.
I can’t give you directions or a process, but I can tell you that you’re not the only one who wishes there was a roadmap for this.
posted by bookmammal at 7:32 AM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

Sorry for your loss. I don’t have a full solution but I do know that it helps me to take photos of items before I give them away.
posted by leslievictoria at 7:36 AM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

I’m so sorry about your mom’s passing! I understand how hard it can be to let go of stuff that reminds us of loved ones, even when we understand that logically it may be best to let go. Have you read or watched anything by The Minimalists? While I don’t like everything they say, they are great at exploring the psychology behind our attachment to stuff. One of them talks in great depth about going through his mother’s belongings and how he was able to let go. Their first documentary is now available for free on Netflix as is a short version of their weekly podcast online.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:45 AM on August 28, 2023

My mom died in 1988 and I still have a few photo albums and diary pages, and I scan a few and throw out the physical artifacts when I have emotional bandwidth. Grief is individual, do your best.

It can be helpful to have a friend step in occasionally and help you go through a few objects, asking if you still want to keep or chuck them, and if you want to chuck them, taking a memento photo or scan as appropriate.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:47 AM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

A few years ago I realized I have all of my late father's stuff, my late mother's stuff, and my late father's late parent's stuff. We are childless by choice, so why the heck do I have all of this stuff which will eventually fall only wife or other loved ones to go through when I pass?

I just started giving nearly everything away. The grandparent's stuff to cousins, and the rest to anyone who needed it. For the cousins, I didn't even ask. I boxed stuff up and sent it to them. Thankfully they were ok with that.

It took me nearly 20 years to reach that point even though I knew all that time that we weren't going to have children.

It was tough to get rid of the items, but once they were out of sight they were out of mind.

Good luck.
posted by terrapin at 7:49 AM on August 28, 2023 [8 favorites]

Is there a good friend or trusted party who can be there to help you sort? It can help to have someone as emotional support, and as a sounding board. I imagine grief makes executive functioning even harder. Sometimes it might be easier to let something go if you can share aloud why it meant something to you (like sharing stories at a wake). Or, if there's something too painful to sort through, they could inventory it for you so you can decide about it later?

Count on this being a multi-step process? Like, just one afternoon to inventory everything without deciding, another day with a two hour timer to go through clothes? etc.

Something Roz Chast did when she went through her parents' apartment was to take photos of the things she wanted to remember but not keep.

The useful point that books about the emotional dimension of cleaning (Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, etc) make is that Things have emotional resonance in our lives, and the process of living with them or letting them go is a deeply meaningful, deeply human and universal process. When I remove things, I feel like I'm saying goodbye to certain stages of my life (sometimes that's hard and so the Same Books move with me from apartment to apartment, unread; and sometimes that's easy because I've become ready to part with them). Sometimes that feels like saying goodbye to a past set of hopes, or a past me I don't want to lose. Sometimes it makes me feel my own mortality. And letting go of stuff after someone dies can feel a bit like another death.

The Swedish Death Cleaning author talks about the gift of space that you give yourself when you declutter - that the extra room and emotional space is worth moving towards. It can help to have a kind thing you're giving yourself be a goal with this.

Be kind to yourself? take breaks? good luck
posted by Geameade at 7:50 AM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

We made a point of trying to give my dad's stuff to people or organizations who would use it. And then we threw away the not useful stuff because leaving it stuffed in a closet isn't inherently more respectful than disposing of it. If you aren't going to use it or look at it, it may be more of a burden than a comfort and I am certain your mother would not have wanted to be a burden.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:51 AM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

This may sound ghoulish, and I apologize to anyone for whom it hits that way, but -- I'm actually waiting for my dad to pass to move a lot of my parents' stuff out of my house. He would absolutely be upset if I sold, gave away, or tossed it now, but once he's gone he doesn't get a vote.

(He has a history of dumping stuff he doesn't want but doesn't want to bother selling, donating, or throwing out on me "in case I can use it." I have no compunction about ridding myself of it. Did get caught once, but oh well.)

Is there a way you can dispose of anything that would be meaningful to your mom? My dad, for example, has a thing about being out of debt, so I plan to sell the silver service I never use and put the proceeds toward retiring my mortgage.
posted by humbug at 8:22 AM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

Oof, this is so hard. My mom passed in 2018 and I got "lucky" in that we had to move her out of her apartment quickly a few weeks before she did, so we did a lot of culling (with her help) then. We still had a storage unit full of her furniture and keepsakes with the intention that she would move into another place, but obviously that didn't happen.

We ended up paying junk haulers to take away the furniture but went through everything else and kept a few boxes' worth of keepsakes. My sister has a few; I have one. It has her high school yearbook, her final planner (she always kept a planner), some of my childhood letters and drawings. I went through and got rid of some things a few years after she passed, like a teddy bear that she had given me when I went to college. One tip that really helped me was to take a picture of anything that I threw away, so even if it was gone physically I could revisit the photo later if I had regrets.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with this.
posted by anotheraccount at 8:23 AM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

It sounds as if there are quite a few boxes of your stuff and her stuff so that in itself sounds overwhelming.

Start with the category (hers or yours) that is less emotionally fraught. You don't have to inventory it all unless you thrive on lists and inventories. You can just dedicate an timeslot (1hr, 2 hrs max) /week to sorting through one box at a time.

Open a box and sort through it. Survey what's there, identify things you actually want/use and find a place where they will now live. Take photos of things you want to remember but won't use and thus won't keep. Divide the things you have photographed and anything else into a donate pile and a toss pile. Take out the toss stuff immediately, collect the donate stuff until you have a box or bag full and bring that to goodwill.

Repeat as many weeks as you have boxes. If you find you have a lot of your slot left when you finish the box you either get back that time or, if you are on a roll, do a 2nd box.

By doing a box/wk the process remains manageable and sustainable in terms of time commitment and ability to process any emotions that come up. You also move things out of your home as you go.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:26 AM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

My mantra is from the financial world but it is “people first, then be present in the present, then things” (the original is people first, then money, then things.) I come from multigenerational hoarders and each generation left stuff to the next, which then passed both down, to the point that people have felt bad about their homes or been cramped.

So I would say…for the people, your mother cannot be replaced by things. But maybe there are people you would connect with through passing those things on, or people who could benefit from some of them.

After that, what do you want for your present? I have, besides memories and pictures, really just one artifact from my grandfather - his license plate, which was also his ham radio call sign. I have room to display it. It reminds me of his love of engineering, his love of and ability to connect with people, sitting on his lap calling in, driving with him as he chatted with truck drivers. I don’t need anything more to ride those memories. So as you go through things, maybe thing of it as a treasure hunt for the one or two things that will make that connection for you.

And finally, the things you want to have or pass on. For me, I have a single banker box size “family box” for each child for the really precious things. Again for me, that’s all I need. Maybe decide what space to want to devote for an archive (a box, a shelf, a dresser) and use that to select what you want.

The rest is excess and can be let go of. I’ve adopted the Marie Kondo method of having a little gratitude ritual and then - goodbye.

Good luck! I’m sorry for your loss.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:16 AM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

I'm a Certified Professional Organizer; this is part of what my colleagues and I do with a lot of our clients who are having trouble making decisions regarding whether, when, and how to let go of things that are either theirs (but not part of their active lives anymore) or possessions of someone else.

First, almost nothing needs to go into a dumpster. Most non-personalized things have a value to someone via charity, and personalized things (letters, photos, awards) can be dealt with by evaluating a little at a time, scanning or taking photos, and reducing it to what's truly meaningful vs. what just happens to have been your loved one's possession. We often feel like we should have a sentimental attachment to something, so we assume that we do.

Walking through the items with someone else is key to making progress. Professional organizers are trained to ask you the right questions and, based on your reactions, know how to prompt you toward healthy ways of thinking about the items. However, even having a friend come over and spend an hour at a time with you, in small chunks, can help. Often, just "telling the story" behind an item is enough to help you feel confident that you can let it go.

Preventing yourself from being exhausted or weary comes down to a) doing it in small chunks*, particularly if you're doing it on your own or not with a professional, b) letting some items marinate if you can make a decision with a sense of confidence. (Just put them in a second box or bin for round 2, rather than mixing them in with the not-yet-examined items.) However, if you find that you're not able to make any decision on item after item, that's a sign that you're not ready for the process yet, or at least not without guidance. Give yourself grace; everyone's timetable is different. (Focusing on your own items, before dealing with your mother's, may also be an easier path for you.)

*By small chunks, I usually advise people working on their own to do no more than 45 minutes per day. Then pack up and take one box to donate (rather than letting things pile up in your house, not in the storage closet). Then see how you feel. Think progress, not perfection. Don't overwhelm yourself.

You'll often find that you're going to come down to "why?" over and over. Why did this come into your (or her) life? Why is it still here? Why (under what circumstances) might I ever use/wear/read/enjoy this thing again.

If possible, depending on how your storage is set up, focus on practical items that do things. It's easier to make decisions about blenders or draperies than letters or photos. When I work with clients to downsize in advance of moving to senior living, for example, we start with bathrooms, laundry rooms, linen closets, and kitchens, because it works the decision-making muscles on things for which there are few emotional connections. If you can start with clothing, furniture, and things that "do stuff," you'll feel more capable.

Most importantly, know that (notwithstanding legal/financial documents, for which there are rules and timelines for keeping/destroying), you can't make a wrong decision if you are being mindful about these questions. Our stuff has no feelings; our relationships with our past selves or are loved ones are not severed by letting go of possessions.

Your mother wouldn't have wanted you to experience stress over this, I'm sure, so please be patient with yourself.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 9:27 AM on August 28, 2023 [46 favorites]

It’s hard. I stlll have a box full of photos from my mom, and I just can’t bring myself to toss them. Thing is, they’re largely from the 1910s, 20s, and 30s. When I look at them, I see physical historical artifacts, and that really complicates things for me. They’re real, tangible things, some over a century old, that no scanning can duplicate.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:03 AM on August 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

The Wrong Kind of Cheese has great advice here. My mom passed away this year and I have been sorting through her stuff, which is all in our house. (She had a sizeable house and hadn't gotten rid of anything before she died.) I had planned to do one box a day, but I find myself doing it in bursts instead. It isn't easy. Usually after a burst of dealing with stuff I find myself grieving for several days, and I usually get a migraine. You have my sympathy.
posted by rednikki at 11:40 AM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

I just listened to the book The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter by Margareta Magnusson. It really addresses this problem in a caring, poignant and humorous manner. I highly recommend it.
posted by maxg94 at 12:11 PM on August 28, 2023 [5 favorites]

So sorry for your loss. The happy memories will remain always.
I agree with the idea to take pictures of items. Photos from through the years, and some letters are what I kept.
posted by ragtimepiano at 1:06 PM on August 28, 2023

A friend of mine had too much of her own childhood stuff and parents' stuff, and she decided to have a physical framework: she was going to keep one display case or cabinet of her parents' and then she'd keep no more than could fit on the display case. I think that notion of a literal amount of physical space helped her work through some of the emotions of saying goodbye to other things.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:23 PM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

I didn't seriously go through my mother's stuff in the basement until three years after she died (I was her family caretaker). I was able to dispose most of the objects and clothes pretty fast then.

I didn't throw out some of the stuff until last year after my husband died. She died in 2008. But I have a spacious and dry basement.

It was a while longer before I could process her photos, but it went faster once I decided that if I didn't know anyone in the picture I could safely toss it, and then I scanned the rest and shared them with my sister and brother.

Her writings (she was an Episcopal priest and she kept her excellent sermons as well as her seminary papers) had personal significance, and I ended up spending a long time going through them and saving the really interesting stuff as digital files. Then I shipped her sermons and physical photos to my brother.
posted by Peach at 3:11 PM on August 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

if you like reading (or audiobooks), i will recommend peter walsh’s let it go: downsizing your way to a richer, happier life. a lot of the book specifically deals with handling parents’ belongings and inheritance items. i particularly liked his strategies of: picking one of the thing (e.g., not all the dishes, just one special pie plate), and only keeping things you will use or display. this book helped me identity many of the bereavement items i was keeping which made me feel bad (not necessarily for any obvious reason; some items really bummed me out), and this realization helped me make some clear decisions about things that had to go.

and yes: it’s exhausting work. <3 The Wrong Kind of Cheese’s answer is everything. love all these strategies for tackling this incredibly difficult work.
posted by tamarack at 9:20 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

There are now apps that let you use your phone to take a series of photos around an object and turn it into a 3D model. So you can view it again in AR on the phone, or in VR. It's a step above just taking a 2d photo.
posted by Sophont at 10:33 PM on August 28, 2023

Perhaps dead parents what now May help…
posted by pmaxwell at 11:06 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

There were a bunch of plastic totes of my dad’s dying possessions in my brother’s basement. We always meant to go through them and get rid of most of it but there was definitely stuff we wanted to keep. Basement flooded, everything got destroyed.

I guess I’m saying I would do it as soon as you have the bandwidth.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:07 AM on August 30, 2023